Monday, July 25, 2011

A Mother - Wife in Distress

It’s been 4 months going on 5 since I’m becoming a stay-at-home mother again. But this time almost maid-less (read my raging post about my ex maids & driver) AND nanny-less. Kalo soal ngga punya nanny, itu masalah pilihan. Sejak Mella resign aku emang ngga pernah berniat untuk nyari mba baru buat Kukka. Apalagi sejak kejadian-kejadian menyebalkan dengan PRT setelah Mella. Alhamdulillah selama aku masih kuat, ngurus Kukka sendiri aja deh... Lumayan juga jadi turun 6kg tanpa harus bayar jutaan ke tempat fitness :p


Tapi seorang ibu juga manusia. Ada saatnya stress banget ngurus anak sendiri. Apalagi balita, yang katanya emang lagi nempel-nempelnya sama ibunya. Kemana-mana dibuntutin. Literally it’s like being followed by another shadow. Almost like having a tail on my big butt. Mandi ditungguin. Pipis diintip “What are you doing, Bubu?”. Lagi BAB, ditanya-tanya “Are you finished? Are you finished, Bubu?”. Kalo mood lagi bagus, liat mukanya Kukka nongol mendadak di pintu kamar mandi suka bikin ngakak. Tapi kalo lagi bad mood, rasanya kesel banget. Kaya dikejar deadline setiap detik. Aku hilang dari pandangannya sedetik aja, Kukka langsung teriak “Bubuuuu! Where are youuuu?”. Cute, yes. Annoying, also. There are times when I really want to be by myself & just scream outloud. Not forgetting to put a pillow on the mouth before. Unless I want to scare off the neighbors.


And there are also times when I want to be with someone who I can share my feelings with. An adult who can reciprocate by saying soothing, loving & comforting words. Not reasoning with obvious logic that I already know. And that perfect adult would be my husband. Tapi apa daya punya suami yang alhamduilillah sibuknya setengah mati... Yang susah dicurhatin lewat telepon atau BBM karena ngga fokus nanggepinnya. Mau curhat pas dia pulang, kasian juga. Udah sebulan terakhir ini Ica cuma tidur ngga lebih dari 4 jam. Pulang pagi, berangkat beberapa jam kemudian. As a wife, I feel obligated to hear his curhatan rather than me curhat to him. Almost every time we end up discussing his work. It’s good to see him doing his job so passionately & proud about it. So I try to put my sorrow aside.


Things would be okay for awhile. But a little “mistake” by Kukka can tick me off easily. A spilled glass of milk would be totally fine on a good day. But when I’m stressed, I would raise my voice & naturally Kukka would cry. She’s the easiest & weakest target in the house. She becomes the victim of my depression. After that, seeing her teary droopy eyes break my heart & makes me feel really guilty. Which leads to more stress because now I think of myself as a bad mother. This has been going on for weeks. And I know it’s bad. And dangerous. For everybody. To us, Kukka is an almost perfect child. And it will kill me if she turned out to be “imperfect” just because I couldn’t feel content & make peace with myself.


So now here I am sitting in a cafe while Kukka is at school, blogging, drinking coffee, eating cream cheese bagels. All by myself. Trying to figure things out, how to make myself a better person, a better & loving mother & wife. And just now it hit me. I think it’s okay to be pissed sometimes.


Mothers & wives are not some sort of a super human who can be happy, cheerful, perfect & look pretty all the time. Mothers & wives need their husbands & children to comfort them too. Mothers & wives need excitements & kisses & hugs & gentle words whispered in their ears. Mothers & wives need love to give more love.


Because it’s just how a human is.



15 comments:

Shanty Amalia said...

ini sama bgt ama yg lg aku rasain...

Katharina Bohse said...

what happened??? you have trouble with pak rojak too?

Farika said...

@shanty: serius?? Aku kira aku yang lebay :)))

@kitty: aaaargh long story short, he was always a trouble :))

Katharina Bohse said...

so there's no more pak rojak, iis and mbak mella? how the hell do you manage it?

Farika said...

that's why I'm stressed!! HAHAHAHAHA!

Katharina Bohse said...

but you're still having time to post some blogs. crazy... should i ask josh for some easy recipes? we will be back next winter anyway...somehow... haven't booked flights yet..

Farika said...

I blogged this while waiting for Kukka at school. Had to pour my heart out somewhere somehow :))

Eka Dwibhakti said...

aah..i wish i can help you babysitting Kukka (i promise i wont smoking near her *lol*). I know I cant say much about parenting, but your family is my role-model and i know you are a great mother. Cheer up! When my time to parenting finally come, i will learn a lot from you ;)

dinda said...

perlu baby sitter buat jagain kukka sementara dirimu ber me-time ria? sini sini sama tante dinda. baby sitter handal loh! Tapi gak janji gak cium2 kukka sampe bonyok yaaaaa :D

*huuggg*

Indy said...

Don't worry bubu, you're not alone :) kami para ibu2 RT yang bekerja dan yang tidak bekerjapun rata2 merasakan hal yg sama, khususnya kalo ga ada yg bantu (PRT/nanny) :)) you're a superMom, bubu! don't worry you can handle everything. I'm proud of ya! :*

Amelia said...

He..he..he..Enjoy the time while you can. You'll miss this era :)) *~ and of course..G'luck yaaa :)

Farika said...

@dinda: I miss "talking" to you :* Tante Dinda pindah ke Bintaro dooong! Kalo babysitting-nya di Kota Wisata, jatah me-time-nya keburu abis di jalan hahahahaha

@Indy: I know you know exactly how I feel :) Thanks babe

@Amelia: I'm sure I will miss this. Later I'll weep, be stressed & blog about how Kukka prefers to be with her friends rather than spending time with me :))

wulliewullie said...

Sammmmmmmmma! hiks....

Tita said...

Gimana kalo K dititipin aja ke aku, menerima titipan dan insyaallah disayang deeh... hehehee. Not much I can say, tapi namanya mood manusia, naek turun bu.. enjoy aja :)

Farika said...

@wullie: senengnyaaaaaaaaaaaaa ada temeeeen hahahahah


@tita: gimana kalo tante tita nginep di rumah kukka, trus ibunya meluncur dulu ke PS supaya bisa potong rambut? :))