Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Story of Me

So... Back then, when somebody asked me what was one of the most important things that I’ve been taking for granted all my life, I would probably answer....I don't know. 

But now, I will answer it loud and clear. It’s one of my abilities to use my brain correctly, which is to remember. Being forgetful is.... A pain in the ass. Pardon my french but trust me. Not being able to remember things, especially important ones that involve the most important moments, people or knowledge in your life, is hard. Really hard. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it’s.... 

Well it’s actually very hard to describe. I thought I could describe it correctly by writing it down. Because sooooo many people has been asking me the same questions like what's happening to you; what are you suffering from; how do you feel; how does it feel like; do you remember when blablabla; do you know that now blablablabla. Now I’m writing the answers down so whenever somebody ask me, I would just send him the link of this posting #LOL 

Let’s start with what am I suffering from. Please note that most of the sentences I write will start with the word: "THINK". Why? Read on and you will know :) 

Okay let's start with: my illness is called Anti NMDA Autoimmune Encephalitis, which means there’s something serious going on in my brain. For details, don’t be lazy and click THIS. How did it happened??? Well in my case, unfortunately it’s still unknown. So as far as I know, it’s rare and there’s no cure yet. That’s why the doctors sent my body fluid/blood to Spain to be further examined. So I’m donating my fluids in the name of science :)) And like I said before, it’s very hard to describe. My ability to remember things is very random. For example I remember many things that happened in the past but I couldn’t remember what happened 5 minutes ago. And this goes vice versa. I thought the moment that already happened like 5 years ago, is happening like...now... Or 5 minutes before. Ooooooor I don't remember it at all. This is the best explanation I can give you about what I’m feeling and thinking now. 

As for my mental condition, my family said it has been.....very unstable. Especially when I was in my worst state. Apparently I was submitted in the hospital for a long time. I still have the scar from the IV tubes. I think I got it because I had it for too long and once I pulled the IV tubes by myself when I was having a seizure or an episode or something. And I think Hubs said there was blood all over me. You better double check and ask him because I could probably make these things up :)) 

I could be laughing out loud this minute and the next second I could end up crying uncontrollably for hours. And I also would see things that were actually not there. For instance I would swipe iPad screen....in the air :))  In short, it seemed like I lost my mind. Like...going crazy... Literally.  Why is this happening to me? Well... I wish I could give you a clear answer. But honestly I don’t know. What I do know is that I wasn’t always been the healthiest person on earth. I don’t exercise regularly. I often eat junk food. I took over-the-counter-medicines like they were candies and I don’t get enough sleep. But many also said that it’s happening because I’m under a lot of pressure. That something really bad had happened to me and made me stressed out. So I’m losing my mind because unconsciously there are things that I don’t want to remember. Things that I wanted to get out of my head. And well... What do you know. Voila! They’re gone! Along with other things. Important things. -_- 

It sucks. Really. You don’t want to have what I’m having now. And no, you wouldn't understand it either. Not when you are the healthy one. So be careful in giving me advices because I would probably respond with: "What the hell do you know?!" :) 

I almost don’t have any privacy anymore. Because I still can’t be really be left alone like completely by myself. Especially for a long time. Why? Because I could end up doing something that is dangerous to myself or anybody else or ended up somewhere...strange. And what’s worrying is that I can have seizures like...anywhere anytime. I’ve seen myself having a seizure on our home CCTV recording and man, it was.... Well let’s just say that I understand why the person who is next to me while I'm having a seizure would be terrified, panic and all. Because from what I’ve heard, it was scary. You don’t want to know the details. Trust me. It’s not a pretty situation to describe. And yes, I don't remember any of those terrible moments myself. 

Long story short, my condition was bad. Really bad. Now I’m recovering from it and it seems that I’m doing better. Much better. At least that’s what everybody is saying. I still have a lot of medicines that I have to take for like...2 years. I still can’t be left alone and thank God I have BiYeni, my aunty, with me all the time. She’s been taking care of me for months now. She’s my aunty, my nurse, my personal cook, my bodyguard, and most importantly, my friend :) The only thing she doesn’t do is bathe me :)))

Kukka? Well that’s another story to tell but so you know, my darling Godsend is fine, considering what is happening around her... But she knows that her mom is sick and she’s been my guardian angel ever since. Once when I was having an episode and there was saliva or foam coming out of my mouth, she ran to call my aunty and came back with a tissue in her hand. Can you believe that a 6yo could do that?? She really is a Godsend. My Godsend :)

Hubster? He’s been dealing with all the house work now :)) Paying bills and staffs’ salaries, buying groceries, taking care of Kukka from bathing to school projects and 6yo-girl-problems :D Basically everything. Whenever he whines about it, I just grin and occasionally pat his back. Now he knows what kind of problems a housewife and mother has to deal with everyday :)) #highfivehousewives! 

Back to me. I’m still confused. I’m still worried. I’m still sad. I’m still devastated. I’m still angry. I’m still ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 

Help......


30 comments:

sekar laksita wangi said...

i love you mba farika..you are an amazing lady that i ever met...i believe that everything will be normal sooner...

Farika said...

Aaaaaaw Wangiiiii thank you so much for your sweet words :*
Mohon doanya yaaaa! Ditunggu di Bintaro :)

Theresia Warsito said...

That angry and devastated feeling, its just a cloud. It will go away and you will live with it. I dont know whether things can and will go back to normal but these feelings you have is just temporary. Dont wallow too much in it-you are still you, you just have to dig deeper. Just take it easy and keep writing!

Tina Prie said...

Subhanallah...Farika, so amazed to read this. Really speechless. What I can say is you dont need to worry and sad on your condition now as Allah gives you this because He loves you, and knows you'll be strong. Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil...Allah is the best Helper...I believe Allah will help you. Thanks for sharing this as I see that it's a kind of a lesson for me and probably others that health is really the most important thing in life so we have to keep it perfect. Moreover, by sharing this, it shows that you're really a super duper strong woman as not many people will do the same thing, writing about their real condition. Really proud of you, dear! My best prayer for you all the time!...#loveandhugs

Imelda Alini Pohan said...

Farikaaa...be strong...and please have faith that this will go away very soon and you're gonna be okay...thanks for sharing this, it might help others... hugs

Vera Sutanto said...

Hugsss @Farika R. Lawendatu] ikut sedih baca ceritamu... Tersentuh bgt. semoga Tuhan cepat kasih kesembuhan ya. Tetaplah kuat dan percaya keajaiban itu ada. Xoxo

Anindita Rahardjo said...

i feel you dear.. believe me. hugs n kisses n lots of love from me

Ossy Indra Wardhani said...

Seneng udah bisa baca blognya lagi. Thanks God, you're back. Semoga semuanya cepat pulih seperti sediakala ya, neng. Be strong.

Gaby Josephine said...

*peluk Farika*

Wenni Setiorini said...

Berdoa semoga dicepatkan penyembuhan 100%, ALLAH mah bageur pisan pasti kasih yg terbaik buat yang terbaik. Peyuuuk peyuuuk

Asmara L Wreksono-Usuluddin said...

You're one strong lady! I admire your strength through this. Get better, Farika R. Lawendatu lots of love surrounds you. God is great!

Fely Eryquartanti said...

Rikrik.... ikhlas dan sabar ya, sayang.... in Syaa Allah sehat.. sehat.. sehat... #pelukkangeningetwaktudikost2andulu

Sanny said...

Tetap semangat Farika! I always pray for you 😘

Hakim Lubis said...

πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ my copywriter is back πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

DeeDee said...

i've read it too mbak farika, and right now i only wish i could give you a great big hug. You know you are one of the few people in life who never fails to inspire me. And please stay strong and stay happy because you are loved by many. And thank you for writing it on your blog, now all my questions in my head about you have been answered. I hope you never forget our NIN s'pore concert in 2009 ever! (Bighugs) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Reni said...

I wish you've passed the worst. So you can only get better. Speed healing for you, Bubu ❤️

Conny said...

Tetap semangat ya Farika... Semoga semakin pulih pulih dengan sempurna ya... Amiiin... ������

Nadia said...

In Syaa Allah sesudah kesusahan itu, ada kemudahan...tetap semangat teteh...😘😘😘😘😘

Edhya said...

Semoga farika selalu diberikan kesehatan dan kebahagiaan...stay strong and be patience. You'll get better...kisses and hugs from me and minks 😘😘😘

Ario Anindito said...

Friki, stay strong, keep on praying, and think only the happy things. Hundreds of your friends, whether you remember them or not -are praying for you, so you can be better and better every single day. We love you, Friki. :)

Anisinam said...

frikaa...nggak perlu ingat semuanya yang penting kamu ingat punya banyak teman yang sayaaaaaang sama dirimu :*)

Fely Eryquartanti said...

Rikrik.... ikhlas dan sabar ya, sayang.... in Syaa Allah sehat.. sehat.. sehat... #pelukkangeningetwaktudikost2andulu

Alia Helianthi Kardin said...

Just read your blog Far... I hope you're feeling much much much better now *hugs* In your first paragraphs, I somehow kept thinking about the movie "50 First Dates.. it's a romantic movie, but in real life - which is your case- it does becomes scary. Rest well and speedy recovery, strong lady! :)

Erna Nurwulandari said...

aku baca blog kamu ini udah 3x. Dan setiap baca selalu nangis. I love u so much Bubu πŸ˜‡

Heru Susanto said...

Yang penting adalah, temen-temen kamu ingat terus sama kamu, Farika... Untuk hal hal yang ada hubungannya dengan kamu, nggak ada kata lupa dalam pikiran mereka... Semoga mereka diberikan pahala dan berkah atas kebaikan mereka. Amin...

Monica Indriyati said...

Send my hug to Farika R. Lawendatu be strong ya Bubu Kukka. Whenever you feel devastated read all of our comments or supports just to remind you that we all care about you, pray for your and that you are loved. Kisses for Kukka, she's an angel godsend indeed

Astri Paramitha said...

:* :* :*
Tuhan tidak pernah memberikan ujian yang kita tidak mampu melewatinya.

Iranita Hervi said...

Mbakkk...udah sehat bener to? jaga kondisi yaa....muah2...peluukk eraatt...

Wury Handayani said...

Yes. I was about to say that after whats been happening, you got love all around you. Your beloved kukka, your aunty who cooks and takes care of you, a husband who is willing to run the house and good friends around. Alhamdulillah. Huggggs

LillBuzz said...

sehat dan bahagia selalu, farika!