Sunday, May 22, 2016

Hello, Old Me

Long time no see... 
I guess life finally hits you, eh?
What makes you decide to come back? 
Is it time? Reality? Happiness? Or heartache? 

So now that you realize that being yourself is the best way, what is it that you will do exactly? Do keep in mind that certain things have changed for the best. It means follow your intuition and passion but always remember that your actions will turn into a chain of events. Which certainly will in some ways affect your most precious one. And then one day or even sooner, your Godsend will ask you where, when, who, what and why. And by that time, you better have the answers already. 

While you’re preparing for the correct and truthful answers, do enjoy life. With your loving family, your faithful friends and most importantly, with yourself. Because of all people, you should be the one who knows best that... Well... Life is too precious and too short to spend by being somebody but yourself. Remember that you don’t have to be in a clique to feel good. You don’t have to dress or be someplace that you don’t like. You don’t have to own things just because the others have it. You just have to be you. Because once you fill it with the wrong things and the wrong people, it will not be very easy to detached yourself. To hell with others. Yup. You just said “to hell”. Or in german you’d say “Die andere kann doch schei├čen gehen.” Hah! Feels good to say it!

And there’s another thing to look forward to. Unpredictability. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Yesterday you were weeping on your bed because you felt so lonely. Today all of a sudden everybody wants to be with you. Then the day after suddenly you are with him and only him. Talking, snuggling, reminiscing and kissing until the sun sets and rises again. Who would’ve guess, right?!

Hey, Old Me! Do remember that the content of your heart is for you to keep. Yet don’t forget to open it up at the right moment for the right person to fill in the existing void. Because many times that void turns out to be pretty seductive. There’s always a possibility to be lost in it and many times it actually feels good. Those things that broke your heart to pieces? It seems that they just vanished! Which will make you even more vulnerable and dangerous. Why?
Because along with it, your true self will start to fade away. 
Then after a while you will become this person you don't like and most sadly, 
somebody you used to hate. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

  • to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
  • to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
  • to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
  • to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
  • to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
  • to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 


Sunday, May 01, 2016

Siblings Yearning

Alarm! Alarm!! Alarm!!! You might have read my last post Why This, Why That. The one about how intense my precious Godsend has been asking me about babies lately. How parents “make” them, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides the baby to be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, etc. Now Kukka’s questions have evolved into wishes, requests.

People, my beloved Godsend is officially on this stage where she wants to have a sibling. 2 to be exact!!! #SiBubufainting. I can’t remember how it started but  Kukka’s baby questions have turned into a specific demand. Almost every day Kukka tells me that she wants a sister and a brother. Yup. 2 siblings. #SiBubufaintingagain. She even has names already!!!! #LOL 

One day we had a convo more or less like this:

Kukka : So Bubu, you already have a daughter, me, right?!?

SiBubu : Yyyyeeeessss.... #worried.

Kukka : So if you had another child, it should be a boy, right? A son, which means he will be my baby brother. 

SiBubu Mmmm...... Not necessarily...... What if ALLAH gives us a girl instead #stillworried.

Kukka : But if you do have a son, he will be my baby brother, right? What name will you give him?

SiBubu : ....................................Trent Reznor? 

Kukka : That’s your favorite singer!!! Cool! I love it! But it’s too long.

SiBubu : ...............................................Treznor?

Kukka : Hmmm..... Treznor Lawendatu. I love it!!! Now if ALLAH gives your next baby a girl, which makes her my sister, I will name her Kiki. No no! With a “q”. Qiqi. It's better. Is it a cool name??

SiBubu : .................Yes.... Very cool. 

So, ladies and gents, after having that convo, almost every day my daughter talks about Treznor and Qiqi #LOL. How she would love them, take care of them, share her toys with them, etc. When Kukka saw me giving away her old toys, she would say “No! That’s for Qiqi or Treznor! Don’t throw it away!”. When we stroll in the mall and Kukka sees something that she likes, she would say “Oh Treznor will love this!” or “I’m sure Qiqi wants this!”. Oh man!!! #LOL

Last night I finally asked Kukka why she would love to have a sibling that much. Her answer....and her expression broke my heart. Kukka said, with her sweet, super cute and please-give-me-what-I-want voice: 

“Because I’m lonely...”

I’ve shared Kukka’s latest request in my Twitter and Path accounts and most of my friends replied with funny comments. Aaaaaaaaaand all of them are on Kukka’s side!!! They said “Give Kukka a sister, Bubu!!!” or “Start making a sister and a brother for Kukka, Bapa and Bubu!!!” and so on and so on. All of the comments made me laughed so hard. I didn’t know what to say to her. Finally I said to Kukka that I don’t want another child. I only want her because I don’t want to share my love for her with another one. Then Kukka said:

“Don’t be selfish, Bubu. That’s not nice. 
You have to share. And you do want to make me happy, right?!?”

*Kukka pretending to hold her baby sister/brother*

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

SiBubu : Well..... Let me talk to Bapa, okay?

And that, ladies and gents, is how I got out of the conversation. At least for now!!! #LOL