It’s been 4 months going on 5 since I’m becoming a stay-at-home mother again. But this time almost maid-less (read my raging post about my ex maids & driver) AND nanny-less. Kalo soal ngga punya nanny, itu masalah pilihan. Sejak Mella resign aku emang ngga pernah berniat untuk nyari mba baru buat Kukka. Apalagi sejak kejadian-kejadian menyebalkan dengan PRT setelah Mella. Alhamdulillah selama aku masih kuat, ngurus Kukka sendiri aja deh... Lumayan juga jadi turun 6kg tanpa harus bayar jutaan ke tempat fitness :p
Tapi seorang ibu juga manusia. Ada saatnya stress banget ngurus anak sendiri. Apalagi balita, yang katanya emang lagi nempel-nempelnya sama ibunya. Kemana-mana dibuntutin. Literally it’s like being followed by another shadow. Almost like having a tail on my big butt. Mandi ditungguin. Pipis diintip “What are you doing, Bubu?”. Lagi BAB, ditanya-tanya “Are you finished? Are you finished, Bubu?”. Kalo mood lagi bagus, liat mukanya Kukka nongol mendadak di pintu kamar mandi suka bikin ngakak. Tapi kalo lagi bad mood, rasanya kesel banget. Kaya dikejar deadline setiap detik. Aku hilang dari pandangannya sedetik aja, Kukka langsung teriak “Bubuuuu! Where are youuuu?”. Cute, yes. Annoying, also. There are times when I really want to be by myself & just scream outloud. Not forgetting to put a pillow on the mouth before. Unless I want to scare off the neighbors.
And there are also times when I want to be with someone who I can share my feelings with. An adult who can reciprocate by saying soothing, loving & comforting words. Not reasoning with obvious logic that I already know. And that perfect adult would be my husband. Tapi apa daya punya suami yang alhamduilillah sibuknya setengah mati... Yang susah dicurhatin lewat telepon atau BBM karena ngga fokus nanggepinnya. Mau curhat pas dia pulang, kasian juga. Udah sebulan terakhir ini Ica cuma tidur ngga lebih dari 4 jam. Pulang pagi, berangkat beberapa jam kemudian. As a wife, I feel obligated to hear his curhatan rather than me curhat to him. Almost every time we end up discussing his work. It’s good to see him doing his job so passionately & proud about it. So I try to put my sorrow aside.
Things would be okay for awhile. But a little “mistake” by Kukka can tick me off easily. A spilled glass of milk would be totally fine on a good day. But when I’m stressed, I would raise my voice & naturally Kukka would cry. She’s the easiest & weakest target in the house. She becomes the victim of my depression. After that, seeing her teary droopy eyes break my heart & makes me feel really guilty. Which leads to more stress because now I think of myself as a bad mother. This has been going on for weeks. And I know it’s bad. And dangerous. For everybody. To us, Kukka is an almost perfect child. And it will kill me if she turned out to be “imperfect” just because I couldn’t feel content & make peace with myself.
So now here I am sitting in a cafe while Kukka is at school, blogging, drinking coffee, eating cream cheese bagels. All by myself. Trying to figure things out, how to make myself a better person, a better & loving mother & wife. And just now it hit me. I think it’s okay to be pissed sometimes.
Mothers & wives are not some sort of a super human who can be happy, cheerful, perfect & look pretty all the time. Mothers & wives need their husbands & children to comfort them too. Mothers & wives need excitements & kisses & hugs & gentle words whispered in their ears. Mothers & wives need love to give more love.
Because it’s just how a human is.
