Friday, January 25, 2013

What Did I Do Wrong

This is a question I often ask myself whenever an unfortunate event occurs in my life. Especially when I think that I’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t you dare say that I’m one of those people who never think of themselves as the guilty part. I never say I’m never wrong. And I never push anybody to take part of my mistakes to make me less guilty. 

It’s ironic, really. Just when you thought you’ve done almost everything by the book so that you could make a new clean start, something bad happened. And most of the time, it’s because of somebody else’s fuck-ups. Yet the sky slams down exactly on your head. Not his or hers. 

I detest irony. I think it’s one of the many things in life that makes a person just want to quit. It’s one of the reason why a person thinks “Why bother?”. Like, why bother being good if you’re going to be treated bad anyway? Why bother being honest if you’re going to be lied constantly anyway? Why bother being faithful if you're going to be abandoned anyway? 

Sometimes I do think that the best way to survive in this world is to think only for yourself. Being selfish and ocassionaly cruel are the keys of survival. Act like you have nothing to lose and live absolutely carefree. Life seems easier and much more fun if you don’t give a fuck. 

But then again, is that the kind of value you want to teach to your child? 

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Dear Kukka: It's about love

People say that if you loved someone, you would and could talk about the person you love every second in a day. Imagine if that love would last for a life time. It means that you’d be gushing about your loved one until the day you die. 

That is exactly what’s happening to me. 

As you know, you’re not the only one who has new friends over the past six months. As you’ve gained a lot of new friends in your new school, so did I. “The Moms”, you called them. You know, those are the people I’m spending my time with when you’re at school, whom I have breakfast with, share my thoughts and swap stories. Yes, sweetie. Every day :)) Sometimes you would ask me what I do with The Moms. Besides having a quite massive amount of breakfast and caffeine intake (on my side), stalking celebrities on Instagram and shop things which have the price range of Rp 50 thousand to Rp 2mio, we also do a lot of talking. About what, you asked me one day. Unfortunately there are some subjects that I can’t share to you just yet due to its inappropriateness. But today I just realized that most of the time, obviously, inevitably, free-willingly, naturally, and happily, we talk about our kids. 

About you. 

Like today, for instance. Again, for the gazillionth times, I was telling the story about how you came into my life. The process, the waiting, the hoping, the tears, the laughters, the whole ordeal. And you know, every time I’m reliving those moments, the more I realized how lucky I am that Allah have decided to send you to me. My closest friends once told me it all happened because I was commited and strong-willed. 

Yes, I wanted you. Very much. I wanted you so bad, it hurt. The pain of wanting you was more excruciating than all the things I had to go through to be able to have you. Oh baby, I would go through those things over and over again if I had to, in a second! Oh yeah, that’s me I guess. If I wanted something so bad, I just had to have it. Sounds familiar? :p

Well, look at what my persistence has lead me to?! Of course, to the most wonderful child in the/my world. You are the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow after a stormy day. The happiness molecules that were streaming in my blood when I had you inside my tummy must have been good for you. Because here you are, all happy and healthy, smart and cheerful, caring and lovable. My shalihah little Godsend :)

My love for you is big and my will to protect you is also as enormous. I have the size of strength and courage I never knew existed in me. And with Allah’s permission, I will use them to keep you safe and to make sure that you will get your rights and all the things you deserve. Whatever it takes. My own life, if necessary. So that you can value your life and live it to the fullest. 

Babycakes, there will come a time when you probably wouldn’t understand some of the things that I did or do or will do. Some might look unreasonable or even somewhat hurtful to you. But I hope one day you could open your eyes, mind and heart. I sure hope that one day you will realize that this... All of THIS is about you. Always.

Because when I'm with you, I'm living. Anywhere else, I'm merely surviving. 

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Knock, Knock

There are only a few houses that I love and never get tired of visiting. My parents’ and my siblings’. Those are the places where I feel genuinely welcomed, loved, happy and somewhat peaceful. 

And then there’s one particular door that I would love to knock on. I never been there but already makes me miss it so much it hurts. 

It’s a place where I’ve been longing to visit since years.  
A house which I can only see in my dreams. 
Its beauty I can only admire through images.
Its magic I can only feel in my racing heart. 
And its owner I love beyond human words. 

I’ve been waiting patiently for the invitation. Patiently. Because I’m aware that impatience, anger and greed will surely get me nowhere. 

Especially to Your house, my Allah SWT. 

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Doomsday Anniversary

It's inevitable not to remember. 
Consciously. Subconsciously.