Monday, February 10, 2014

Dear Kukka: The Reason 

It was just one of those nights before bedtime. Out of the blue you asked me:

"Why did you want me as your kid? Why did ALLAH give me to you? 
Why did you want me, Bubu?"

It was just a simple and honest question, coming out from the most innocent mind. But I was completely stunned. Girl, you really did catch me off guard, here! I forgot how long it took for me to finally answer your question. I remember I laughed and hugged you so tight and you became irritated, impatient and you struggled to get out of my arms. Finally I said something like:

"Because I wanted to have someone who I could love sooooo much 
and that someone would love me back just as much."

Were you satisfied? Of course not. You sat on the bed and looked at me with a straight face. I could see another million of questions in your eyes. And I was secretly wishing that you would just go to sleep. And you did. But not me...

Since that night I couldn't stop thinking about it. Yeah... Why was it exactly? Why did I spent nights and days, praying if not beg, to ALLAH, for giving me the chance to have you? Why did I want a child so bad?

I remember I was so in love with your beloved Bapa. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And because I loved Bapa that much, I also wanted to have another person who was a part of me and a part of him. I was thinking “Oh wouldn't it be nice to have 2 persons who I could love lavishly for the rest of my life?!?” I think that was my first main and most shallow reason... There were obviously a thousand more. But I just realized it now that all of them are plain selfish. Anyway, I never stopped praying for you to come, in whatever ways and conditions.

4 years later... Well...look who finally came :)

A lot has happened since then. Good and bad. Things changed, for the better and the worst. My wishes, my prayers, my goals, my reasons of being and our life together have changed. And naturally, so does my answer to your epic question. 

My dear, my most precious girl,

I think it was never about whether I wanted you or not. It just so happened that I did want you very very very very much! And ALLAH did send you to me. But I think it was more about what I would do and what I would become afterwards. 

Would I be a better wife to your father and he a better husband to me so we could be the best parents for you? Would I be a good mother to you? What kind of values and life experiences would I give and share to you? If I had the privilege to choose, would I be the one who take care of you or the kind that let others do the "job" for me? How strong could I be for you? How far would I go to protect you? And most importantly, what kind of person would I be personally, for me?

If I was given the worst life scenarios, would I pick the right tool to survive? Would I pick the easy way or would I chose the hardest? And would I be on the right path if ALLAH gave me life's gold and glitter? Would I stay humble? Would I be a better individual? Would I at least try to be? Define "better"? Well, the usual standards. Devoted, honest, hard working, loyal, sincere, helpful, caring, brave, patient, smart, humble, careful, happy, fun, faithful wife/daughter/mother... Individual. 

See what you’re doing here to me, babycakes? You’re only 5 yet you already push me to think about things I might never would've thought before. And in a way you also force me to act and live as a better person. Now... Am I? Well I’d like to think that I most definitely am. And I believe that’s why you are here. 

ALLAH loved me so much He made my life easy 
and gave me something visible to hold on to. 


ALLAH SWT. sent you to give me lessons and choices. 
And through you I’ve learned a love that is grander, a will that is stronger 
and a heart that is braver. 
And I’ve chose to be and stay better, stronger, wiser and smarter. 

ALLAH SWT. is being too kind and merciful that while our life keeps changing, 
He had sent you to be, by far, 
the constant good in my life. 
So good that I should never have any reason to derail. 
No reason at all.