Sunday, January 31, 2016

Dear Kukka: Peace!

Today we had an argument. Quite a big one. There were screaming, arguments, throwing things, slamming doors and tears. The reason? Oh nothing big! Just... Homework drama #LOL But seriously, it was quite dramatic. Your exact words to me were: “You’re mean! I don't like you! I don’t love you anymore!”. You also said “This is the worst place ever!” and then you slammed your bedroom door. Honestly I tried to hold my laugh quite hard when you said that. I don’t know why but the fact that you know that particular term and that you finally in *that* stage, makes me want to laugh. I thought I still have 10 years to prepare myself for it but nope. Not with you, baby :)) Apparently drama comes early if you have a smart and sensitive daughter. Actually I’m still smiling as I type. I still have the vivid image of your face and the way you said it. Sooo dramatic! It was like watching a typical mother vs daughter scene from a Hollywood teen movie :)))) 

But let’s be serious now. As you know by now, as much as your Bapa and Bubu love you to death, we don’t take any rude and inappropriate words or behaviors from you. For any kind of reasons. If you make a mistake, you admit it and you apologize. That’s it. If you have an argument, okay. Let’s hear it. But still in a civilized way. No cursing, no screaming, no throwing, no slamming doors whatsoever. If you couldn’t hold your tears, then do it. Cry. If you need some time to calm yourself down and be away from us for a while, fine. Yet still. If you’re the one who make the mistake, apologize. I would do the same. And if you want to say sorry, do it the right way. Choose the right moment, come close, pick the correct words and apologize. Not the way you did tonight. 

Yes, baby. I saw you when you were peeking behind my bedroom door while I was on the phone. And yes, I also saw the way you roughly erased the mistakes you’ve made on your homework. You were so rough, you almost teared up the paper. After that you wrote and pressed your pencil so hard, it was like you almost broke it. Yes. I noticed all those things you did. And the way you gave the paper to me? No way, young lady. There’s no chance I would take the paper from you if you gave it to me the way you did earlier. First, you threw it to me while I was watching tv. The paper fell on the floor. You picked it up and put it next to my computer while I was typing. I did nothing. Then you put the paper on the keyboard without saying anything. Which made me finish my writing, went to the kitchen and made coffee instead. And then you slowly approached me while I was sitting on the sofa. You put the paper on my lap. Again. Without saying anything. I continued to enjoy my coffee. The paper fell on the floor. There was silence. Finally after a couple of minutes, you picked up the homework paper, came closer to me and said “Bubu, is this okay?” Still, I didn’t say anything. Instead I looked you in the eyes. We started to look at each other’s eyes intensely in silence for... Oh I don’t know! A couple of seconds? A minute or two? It was like a staring contest :)) Then you started to sob and said softly “I don’t know what to say to you, Bubu...”. And finally with super teary eyes, you apologized. We started to talk. I told you my reasons for being so hard on you and at the end we finally hugged each other. And yeah... I had a couple of tears in my eyes too :p 

Long story short, at that moment I realized (again) that I have a stubborn... No. Let me rephrase that! I have a strong-willed/headstrong/strong-minded daughter. And I don’t know why but I’m proud of it :)) Why? Well I'm sure it can be useful one day. For you personally or even for us as a family. But baby, just make sure you use this particular trait of yours the right way, okay?!? Because if you don’t........... Oh, just remember that you have a father AND a mother who are just as “strong” as you, or even stronger and with more.......“experiences” :)) 

Ich liebe Dich, meine kleine Katze :*

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Terrible Lie

Terrible lie
My head is filled with disease
My skin is begging you please
I’m on my hands and knees
I want so much to believe

-nine inch nails-

Do you believe that the longer you lie, the more you believe in it? I guess it’s understandable. I mean, if you believe in something so strong and so long enough, even if it is a lie, it would feel like it IS the truth. The power of belief, they say. 

Now. It doesn’t matter if the lie you’ve been keeping doesn’t have to do with anybody else. But what if it does? What if your lies affect somebody else's life? And is there such thing as a good lie? Or as people call it, a white lie? What if, no matter how “white” your lie is, it still makes the person close to you restless, sick or so stressed out, she ruins her life without even realizing it? Or even worse, she realize it. 

Which way would you choose:

  1. You tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. you ruin a person’s life but then makes her stronger and leads a better life. b. you ruin a person’s life for good. 
  2. You never tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. the other person will lead a happy life knowing nothing, yet you’ll live all your life carrying a burden of lies. b. the other person will lead a happy yet fake life and you have to spend the rest of your life knowing that you are responsible for it. 

Decisions, decisions. I myself had been a pro white liar. Well actually I’ve been a liar. I’m not sure whether I was a good or bad one. But yeah... I used to lie a lot to get myself out of troubles. Especially when I was young. I also used to think that it’s better to keep things a secret than to hurt somebody’s feeling. But now? I’m not sure. Ever since I found out that all my life I’ve been lied to, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this white lie thingy. 

Lies. I guess no matter how small or “white” it is, it's still a terrible thing. That how good the intention might be, you'd still hurting another person's feeling. Or even worse, sooner or later, another person's life. Don’t you think? 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Dear Kukka: Live The Moment

You know how much I love to take photos, right? Especially of you. I love it too much that now it looks like it’s starting to bother you. Lately you’d cover up your face with your hands whenever I aim my iPhone camera on you. And while doing it, you’d say “Never!”, stick out your tongue and do that funny wrinkly thingy with your super cute nose. I used to be able to “force” you to take pictures. But now??? Many times I’ve failed. You’re a strong-willed little kid, that I’ve noticed. When you say no, it means... Well... No. I wonder where you got that particular trait from. #leeringatSiBapa 

So as I was saying... Lately I’ve failed to take pictures of you. The ones that I wanted. It makes me sad because to me it feels like I’m losing moments that I want to store forever. Your Bubu is a sentimental and sensitive woman. Go check my closet. I’m sure you can find restaurant receipts, some trinkets and lots of other meaningless stuff that I’ve kept since centuries ago. And all of them must have something to do with a special someone, moment, or...anything! 

Same thing as writing in my diary. And blogging. And tweeting. And Facebooking. And Instagraming. And Pathing. And so on. I do all of that because I want to keep all those special moments that I’ve been through with you. To me it’s all about storing memories. Not flaunting the places we’ve been or the persons we were with. It’s not about showing off your cuteness nor your intelligence. Nope. I do all of that for me. Not even for you or SiBapa. Only for me. Yes. I’m THAT selfish. Do you know how many times I wished I’ve recorded our conversations? Especially lately, when the things we talk about and the questions and comments you give are... Incredible. I always know you’re a very curious and smart girl. Objectively speaking, of course. But seriously, many times your questions and comments are just... Phenomenal. But... Like I said before. Lately I’ve failed to take your pictures, videos or voice. Because you didn’t allow me to and I’ve been wondering why. And then something happened. 

It was bedtime. 3 books later we turned off the light, lying side-by-side on the bed and held hands. And then you started to ask me questions. A lot of them. And it wasn’t kids stuff. Apparently you are already too smart for that, eh?! The questions you asked me... They blown me away. I was in awe and needed a couple of seconds before I could give you answers. I had to be very careful in answering because you, young lady, are also keen in giving sharp feedbacks. Then our Q&A conversation turned into some kind of a discussion. A very interesting one about all sort of stuff. Some were kids stuff, some were... Well... Pretty grown-up subjects. Our discussion was also fun and hilarious. The comments you gave, made me laugh so hard until tears were coming out of my eyes. Why? Because your comments were sharp, smart, funny and very much unpredictable. 

Slowly as the night drifted away, I heard your voice got softer, your questions and comments lesser and your breath heavier. Yet your hand held mine tighter and you snuggled up to me even closer. I kissed your head and I stroked your hair, while continuing telling stories. Mostly about you and me. Then I heard your soft snore and I looked at your sweet face. Seconds gone by and turned practically into minutes. Yet I still hadn’t have enough looking at you. You, my precious, are so pretty. To me you are the prettiest human being I’ve ever seen. I haven’t realize that you’ve grown this much. You don’t look like a baby anymore. You are now officially a “girl”. And then it hit me. 

All this time I've been too busy trying to record everything. I didn't fully enjoy the moments because I was constantly storing them. Yes, by this time, I can't recall every single thing we've talked about and my illness makes it even harder to remember. But I DO REMEMBER that we had so much fun yesterday evening before bed. I do remember I had to wipe my tears again and again because your comments were so funny. I do remember how smart you were. I do remember how you startled me and caught me off guard by your sharp questions. I do remember the feeling and the moment... It was... Beautiful. And most of all, irreplaceable

My beloved Godsend,
if you asked me now what kind of questions or comments you've made yesterday and how "serious" our pillow talk went, I'm sorry but I can't give you any answer. Why? Well... Because... You know heheh... Damn AE! But what I can tell you for sure is that we had fun. That we shared a beautiful moment together and we enjoyed every second of it. We might not remember everything but one thing is certain. 

We were living the moment. And we shall continue to do so. Until the end. 

*Picture above is not candid. Thank you for posing, baby #LOL

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

Sunday, January 03, 2016


Write often. 
Make it happen. 
Be brave. Speak up. 
Judge less, help more. 
Spend time with Kukka. 
Shit happens. So what!??! 
Accept my flaws. And others. 
Listen to my body, soul and heart. 
Meet my friends in real life more often. 
Make lots of phone calls. Use less chat apps. 
Embrace my old self. Yes. The fun part that is. 
Do whatever makes me happy. Yup! WHATEVER. 
Do crazy things sometimes, or often, IS necessary. 
If shit happens, sit back and relax. Let life do its magic. 
Make new friends, stay in contact with old ones and maintain. 
Haters can kiss my ass. Lovers do come, let’s smooch and hug. 
Never lie to my daughter. Teach her to accept the truth instead. 
Read, remember, read again, recall and actually do all the #frikis2016