Monday, May 28, 2018

Why Wait?

It's just another Sunday night... Nothing new really. I put my baby to sleep, played some games, read books, watched the news, Netflixing, wrote some stories, replied messages etc.. Still. I'm having a hard time to sleep. Might as well make the most of it by blogging about stuff. There are so many things going on in my head right now. Statements, questions, random words... And just minutes ago I had this...thing in my head which I have to get it out. An epiphany? Maybe... All I know is that if I don't start writing about it, I'd be up all night. 

You see... Don't you think it's kind of sad that most people tend to say nice things about you but only when you're already gone? Gone as in... Dead. Deceased. Passed away. Even if you don't know that person very well but still. When you die and your friends are asked to make a comment or say a few words about you, I bet it will be good things. Well... Nowadays you don't even have to ask! I bet she would leave touchy goodbyes on your twitter or Path. He would share thoughtful prayers on your Facebook or apologies to your Whatsapp. She'd blogged about her sweet experiences with you, the deceased. He would let everybody know how he truly felt about you but only when you're already gone. It makes me wonder. What's the point? Why not now while you still can hear it? Why not now while you are able to say something back? And same thing goes to you!

Why don't you tell her NOW that you love her? Why don't you tell her NOW that you are sorry? Why don't you tell her NOW that her hair looks pretty? Why don't you call him NOW and tell him that you miss him? Why don't you tell him NOW that his writing is mindblowing? Why don't you tell him NOW that his pictures look cool? Why wait? Or even worse, why don't you say anything until all that's left will be if onlys and regrets? So again...


Thursday, May 17, 2018

Dear Kukka: Give Me (More) Time

First I would like to thank you for making me laugh like crazy today. You said something that made me laugh so hard I had tears all over my face. I really couldn't stop! Not until I saw your expression started to change. I noticed that you looked... Sad if not upset. And fortunately just like that I remember when you told me that you didn't like it if somebody is laughing at you. Especially whenever you talk in Bahasa Indonesia. But wait! That's another story. Let me write about what just happened in the car this afternoon. 

When you were still in Kumon class I was checking your twitter account and I saw something funny posted by Majalah Bobo. I told myself "I'm gonna show this to Kukka!" and I did. But unfortunately I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. Seconds after I showed you the tweet, instead of commenting about it, you cringed and complained with a serious yet still very cute face: "I don't want to follow BOBO!" I was... I mean... I thought... I was like... My eyes got bigger, my mouth was opened wide and then I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I laughed sooo hard and soooo long! I really couldn't stop!!! By the time I managed to stop I asked you why you didn't want to follow Bobo. I told you that Bobo is a very nice magazine and that you can learn Bahasa Indonesia by reading it etc. Yet your expression didn't change and you kept saying "I don't want to follow Bobo!". After I managed to control myself, I opened your twitter account and unfollow Majalah Bobo right in front of you. Eventhough I am still in control of every social media account you have, I told you that I was sorry and that next time I will ask you first who you do want to follow. Anyways... Later on it got me thinking... I just realized (maybe for the gazzilionth times) that you, my baby girl, are not a baby anymore and I have to (learn to) accept it. Because you, obviously, don't want to be treated like one.

Now here I am, sitting on the dining chair, with my fingers on the keyboard and looking straight at you, my beautiful 9-going-on-10 year old girl. Today is the first day of fasting month and you spent the day without complaining. Well... You did mention that you could eat all the food on the table but no. Whining? A bit. But no. You didn't complain much. Now you're watching tv while having your all time favorite menu: spaghetti bolognese and broccoli. I can't help not to smile and feeling grateful. ALLAH SWT knows how much I love you, mein Schatz and I am very proud of you. That goes without saying. And it's quite difficult to accept the fact that now you prefer to watch some teenage-highschool serials instead of Pocoyo. That you really like to listen to adult songs on Mustang FM instead of watching Mickey-Minnie-Donald singing and dancing on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And the questions you ask me? I mean the adult-related questions? Dear god... I just can't believe it :)) But I guess I just have to learn harder to be a mother of a 9yo girl. A good friend of mine who has an older child told me that I should be prepared. Because the time will come when you, my precious, angelic kid of mine soon CAN and WILL make me angry, insulted or sad on daily basis. Well actually the time IS already here, isn't it? :)) There's one "drama" that got stucked in my head. You screamed to my face "You don't love me anymore!" and me sobbing on the floor like a lonely old lady? What happened? I don't remember and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a matter of life and death :)) But yeah... It already happened. Good thing Bapa wasn't there huh?! If he was, both of us could be "scolded and grounded" :)))

So yes.. Kukka... As a normal human being with all my limitations, can you please give Bubu more time to accept, to understand and to learn how to be a mother to a super smart, sensitive, beautiful inside-and-out girl like you? Because to be honest it's not easy, you know... Before satisfying your curiousity, I have to google or ask around first. Before giving you some motherly advices, I have to think really careful and really hard. Because I only want to tell you the right things. I only want to give you the best ones. And to do that, I need time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Maybe for as long as I shall live. So again... Give Bubu more time. Please?

Monday, May 14, 2018

To The Most Annoying & Demanding BFF

True friends show it how it is. 
No fake smiles when you greet.
No cold hugs when you meet.

True friends tell it like it is.
No sympathy when her attitude sucks.
No sweet words when she looks like crap.

A true friend sees the truth and pain,
in you when nobody else can.
Many times it seems like too good to be true.
Yet she does exist. 
And her birthday today is the undisputable proof.

Happy birthday Neng!
May ALLAH SWT. bless you with health and happiness,
now and forever.
I love you.