Monday, August 20, 2007

No One Lives Forever

Why is it that almost every time I talk about death, somebody thinks it’s so scary or so afraid that it might be a sign that I would die soon? Not to mention the responses like:
“Ih! Ngomong apa sih!? Udah ah! Serem banget!”
“Hus! Jangan ngomong gitu ah!”


Why? Why can’t I talk about this?

Apa salahnya kalo kita inget bahwa suatu hari nanti, kita SEMUA bakal meninggal? Do you really think we’re going to be in this planet for good? Please deh! Example number 1, yang paling gampang. Stroll by a graveyard. What do you see? News flash. THOSE are dead people. Dead. Gone. Vanish. What do you feel? Scared? Okay. Scared of what? Ghosts?? Kunti? Pocong??? Nggg… Alrite, the last one scares the shit out of me too :D But that’s not the point! Do you want to know how I feel if I drove by a cemetery? Do you know what I see?

Well, I see me in the future. That would be ME lying there, somewhere, someday. My heart would pound really fast and hard. Sometimes a little bit dizzy and got chill in my spine. I would be afraid. But then I would think “It’s okay. Everybody dies.”

Wow.

How true is THAT!?!! EVERYBODY DIES. It’s just a matter of time and cause. But yes, I will be, eventually, not in this life anymore. Then I would get a bit dizzy again. This time it’s not becoz I was afraid (doesn’t mean that I’m not either :p). It’s becoz the feeling is sooo overwhelming! Can you imagine!!! Sekarang, kita ngejalanin hidup sehari-hari masih aware bahwa di "ujung sana" bakal ketemu garis finish. Tapi nanti?? Pas kita udah nyampe ke finish, we’ll live “there” forever and ever!!! Can you believe it?? And no man can ever imagine how life is going to be like “up there”. I’ve tried and I got more headaches :D There would be no ending for us. Only eternity awaits.

And you know what? Like I’ve always said, thinking a lot about death is not that bad. It does sound depressing, I admit :D But really, think about this. Thinking that you could die in any random second, (should) makes you rethink what you’re doing/going to do. Misalnya, mau berangkat ke PS jam 17.30. Udah tinggal berangkat, tau-tau adzan Maghrib. Option 1: Ignore it and catch a cabbie to PS. Option 2: Shalat dulu baru ke PS. Yang paling enak sih ya langsung berangkat. Scara temen udah nunggu, Haagen Dasz udah memanggil. Tapiiii kalo kita mikir “Ih, gimana kalo tiba-tiba pas otw ke PS, kecelakaan terus meninggal dalam keadaan belom shalat Maghrib?? Hiii!” Dijamin, option 2 bakal dipilih tanpa mikir lagi! Ya ngga? Atau kamu lebih takut si Ujang marah karena nunggu lama daripada Tuhan yang marah??? Seriously, this kind of thinking ngaruh banget buat aku yang suka bolong-bolong shalat wajibnya. Ato buat yang mau/lagi slingkuh "Apa jadinya kalo gue mati pas lagi berasyik-masyuk sama si Neneng?" ;))

Which leads me to another thought (boy, I sure think a lot these days :D Useful ones I hope). Udah punya bekal apa ya aku untuk “nanti”?

Have I done, the very least, my daily prayers today?
Have I asked enough forgiveness for my sins?
Have I spent lots of time with my family?
Have I said “I love you”s often to my family and friends?
Have I taken out harsh words from my daily conversations?
Have I stopped hurting people's feelings?
Have I forgiven the ones who’ve hurt me?
Have I forgiven ME?

In overall, am I good enough as a person? I’m not talking about udah cantiknya make-up aku, udah perfect-nya rambutku, udah kerennya bajuku. Pada akhirnya, what’s the point if I don’t look good in front of The Maker??

Like I’ve been saying. No one lives forever. And neither do you.


- Farika, who's far from being perfect but trying very hard to be the very least of it-

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Men & Their Wounded Women

Alkisah cewe-cewe ibu kota menghabiskan Selasa malem bersama. Formasinya sedikit absurd. Soalnya jarang ato nyaris ngga pernah mereka pergi bareng sebelumnya. But, surprisingly (or not) conversation berjalan lancar. Awalnya topik-topik umum seperti gosip kantor & sedikit diselingi oleh gosip selebriti :p Tapi lama-lama, on the way ke tempat hang out lanjutan, pembicaraan memanas. Topiknya:

Laki-laki.

Kebiasaannya. Kejelekannya. Kebaekannya. Kekurangajarannya. Kelucuannya. Semuanya. Dan yang jadi benang merah semua cerita malem itu adalah saat si cowo bikin si cewe marah, sedih ato sakit hati.

Ada yang tetep pasrah nerima keadaan. Tapi begitu saatnya tiba, langsung unjuk gigi & dress to kill, literally. Ada yang biasanya manis banget, tau-tau jadi gorila betina. Banting ini-itu, tendang sana-sini & meng…aum (?) persis di depan batang hidung si cowo. Ada yang depresi sendiri, ngga mau ketemu atau ngomong sama orang laen. Ada yang nangis meraung-raung sendirian sambil minta tolong sama Tuhan supaya diberi ketegaran. Ada yang ngga ngomong apa-apa, tau-tau pesen taxi & pergi sendiri malem-malem buta. Sebelum pergi, dia ngga lupa ngelempar tatapan mata “Gue bisa hidup tanpa elo, tau!!!” Ngga sedikit juga, meski hanya untuk semalem, langsung berpaling ke laki-laki lain. Yang pada saat itu, tentunya lebih manis, baek & pengertian dibanding si pasangan.

Cewe-cewe ini juga menegaskan bahwa they would never, ever act like that, if they were the one who made the mistake. Mereka ngga akan gengsi untuk ngakuin kesalahannya. They would never need to think twice to ask for forgiveness. Even if they have to beg on their knees. And they would show some remorse. Lots of them. And of course, really mean it.

That is a good thing… Or a very stupid, pathetic move.

Tapi… Toh semarah-marahnya si cewe, at the end, si cowo dimaafin juga. Sometimes the women need some time to heal. Sometimes they don’t even need a second. At the end, every woman who loves her man, forgives. For different kind of reasons.

I guess, if it feels right, then it must (should) be right.

Right??

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Midyear Resolution

From now on...

I will stop trying to be perfect, if I ever came that close
I will stop controlling something that is impossible
I will stop hoping for something that could never be real

I will start being myself again
Yet keeping a tiny bit of my old-new-me for awhile

What the fuck!
I'm saying these things but perhaps will never do it anyway
FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCKINGfuck!!!

Let's just see what happens...
Let's just see if the way I am now is a permanent thing

Or not

Monday, August 06, 2007

I Give Up

I thought...

Being honest supposed to make one a good person.
Being good supposed to have everything right.
Being right supposed to make one feels great.
If it's true...

...then why am I feeling completely lost and miserable??