What is success?

A couple days ago I had a long talk with an old friend. We talked about our lives, before - now and then. About dreams, goals, achievements and...other stuff. Eventually the conversation lead to the magic word: success. What does it take so people will see you as a successful person? 

Does it involve a big well-paid job? Becoming an accomplished businessman/woman? Company owner? Celebrity? Charity worker? Start-ups owner? Instagram influencer or Youtuber with millions subscribers? Or looking at the current "trend": becoming a highly religious person? I bet most of you will say yes. Those are considered the successful ones. The ones who have "meaningful" lives. What about you? You agree?

Meanwhile way behind lots of closed doors in parts of the world, there are housewives who lay their heads low and bust their sweet asses off to take care of their hubsands, children, households and everything that comes with it. From the eyes of the "successful" ones, it doesn't seem much. Or even nothing! It's nothing to be proud of. What they have in their minds might be "What so special about being a housewife??? What's so difficult about it anyway! Especially if she has a maid! All she has to do is giving orders. Every woman can do it! I can do it!"

Can you? Really?

Can you deal with the pressure that if something is going wrong at home, then it's your fault? Unpaid bills, wrong choice of soap, untrimmed grass, out of stock cooking ingredients? Can you deal with the mean whispers that if your child grows up not as the big family expected she/he would be, then it's your mistake? Poor grades, lack of socializing, bad manners? The list still goes on and I haven't even mention anything about patience, strength, fortitude, acceptance, forgiveness, content, confidence? And don't forget in our circle something crucial belongs to the list: religious.

Oh come on! Lots of career women can and already achieved what you've put on those list, Farika! Oh really? I say: bullshit. Flaunt all those colorful accomplishments you said you've got. I don't buy it. Whether you like it or not, life is about making choices and nobody gets it all. Obviously there's nothing wrong by being a working mother. It's about knowing what you want in life. 

I've always knew I wanted to be a mother, specifically to a daughter. Those who are close to me probably still remember what I had to go through to become one, physically and mentally. Some even labeled me as a very tenacious person and a survivor. Well... I'd like to say I'm lucky. So when I've been finally blessed with what I've always wanted: why on earth I would "waste her away"???????

This month my beloved Godsend will turn 13. Time goes by so fast. Too fast! Kukka is already in junior high and "suddenly" she will move out from our house and has a life of her own. I would love to spend time with her as much as I can before that time comes. I would love to put her to bed and still have our girl talk. I'd die to be the one who she would trust to tell that she's in love for the first time or telling me what she wants to do with her life. I hope I will be the one who hug her when she's heartbroken. I would pray that God would give me more time so I can always be there for her. And when I do, that is what I would call a success. If Kukka does see me as her biggest part of her life, that would be my achievement, my success, my evidence that I have a meaningful life. 

But that's just me. What about you?

Just Another Manic Sunday

It's just another Sunday. I'm at home with my daughter & our kitty, doing our own things, & we are all healthy. What more can I ask for? 

Loud noises are starting to come from everywhere. Kids laughing & screaming. Cars & motorcycles. Right now I can hear the ambulance siren blaring loudly from outside the cluster. I hope it's nothing serious... Birds are chirping right outside the windows. Sometimes I wonder whether they are the same birds with the ones who always sing in the morning. I can hear Moochi snoring. He's taking a nap on the dining chair next to mine. That's his current favorite spot. In short, nothing is unusual. Someone once asked me if I ever get bored because it seems that what I do every day is always the same. My answer was: no. Because it true. Nothing is the same, really. 

Since this whole COVID-19 School-At-Home thing I'm at home 24/7 with our 12yo daughter. Sometimes I wish she'd go out with her dad more. But oh well... I think it should be them who solve it out. Not me 😋 I just hope SiBapa won't be too sad or disappointed or too late to realize that his daughter keeps on growing. Then just like that #FINGERSNAP The time when Kukka chooses friends over her parents will come #bigsigh Even now the things she does-says-asks-wonders-and others are already different. AND CHALLENGING! In shāʾ Allāh in 2 months Kukka will turn 13. An official TEENAGER. Oh god... I know this might sound cliché & boring but it's true. My baby girl doesn't have the mind of a typical (almost) teenager. The comments she gives. The questions she asks. The actions she makes. Lately I have this weird feeling that my daughter will be the one who teaches me about life. Not the other way around. Many times I even think that our daughter might be psychic 😂 Well... That's another blogpost to tell. 

Every weekdays I have 2 maids who work in our house from morning until late noon. They have totally different personalities but they get along quite well. Dewi & Yuli like to tell me stories about their lives, here in Jakarta & in their villages. What kind of traditional food they cooked with their mothers & grandmothers, what games they played when they were kids, what kind of troubles they've done. Sometimes, after a lot of "Maaf, Bu..." it is them who ask me questions. The range of questions can be from what is it about that I'm watching on CNN to what is the english word for- 😁 Yes. Dewi & Yuli are learning how to talk in english & it involves a lot of laughters. It was SiBapa's idea & both of them are enjoying it. Of course there are times when the maids are frustrated about it but I think they are grateful too. And then there are times who is ME who's wondering what on earth the maids are talking about. They talk in javanese & most of the times it includes lots of loud laughters. Dewi said one of the reasons why she gets along with Yuli is because they come from the same part of Java & both are the same age. So what they experience, from childhood to marriage life are pretty much the same. So you see? The maids are another reason why my day-to-day life is always different 😋

Taking my daily walk around the block is another story. To you it might sound boring but to me 30 minutes walk feels like a month of adventure. Because of my health walking around 3 houses can be tough & challenging 😅 But also fun! Our cluster is pretty big to walk around & there's lot of things to see. There's a basketball court where the boys shout, fight & play, usually with no sandals. Even now I'm still wondering how they do it. I mean doesn't it hurt their bare feet??? Then there are 2 playgrounds. Usually full of smaller kids with their mba/nannies who feed them milk & snacks, sometimes even very early dinner. Awkward part of my daily walk is when I meet the same person over & over again. Which means we (have to?) smile at each other or at least nod our head again & again 😝 There is though, 1 woman who always takes her daily walk at the same time & never says or even smiles at me whenever we cross each other. I think she takes her walk very seriously 😉 Me? I just enjoy it. Eventhough I walk quite fast I do take the time to "observe" other people's houses. You can tell a lot about a family from how the house look. And of course the kids. You can tell quite a few things about a family from how the kid behaves.

Healthwise is still a very big adventure. Not only for me but sadly also for the people around me. Especially my pretty girl, who I've mentioned above, spends every minute of her day with me. Although now Kukka can take very good care of her Bubu but still... I can see the worry in her eyes whenever I have the lightest seizure. 15 minutes ago I had to stop typing because I could feel a light seizure was...on the way. Which means second seizure of the day, 4th this week. I didn't want to make my baby worried but I also didn't want to get another chipped tooth or a bruised eye. So I laid down on our new super comfy sofa & just breath. Later I realized it was time for the pills... AND next month I have to see The Rocksy! Okay! That one will require a special blogpost 😆

So you see? I'm having 24/7 adventure every single day. Don't you agree? 😉

The New Normal

Normal. 

What does it mean exactly? I guess everybody has his/her own opinion about what is normal. It's a subjective matter after all. Especially since this horrible pandemic began. According to Wikipedia: A new normal is a state to which an economy, society, etc. settles following a crisis, when this differs from the situation that prevailed prior to the start of the crisis. The term has been used following the financial crisis of 2007-2008, the aftermath of the 2008–2012 global recession, and the COVID-19 pandemic.

Yeah... It's the Corona virus guys... Real. Hoax. Self-quarantine. Mingling in a crowd. Mask. No mask. I heard that there's even some big conspiracy theories about the COVID-19. Whatever I don't know... #bigsigh What I do know for sure is that I don't want to gamble with life. Especially the lives of my loved ones. My families and my Precious Godsend in particular.

Avoiding crowds might be a little bit tricky for some. Especially for those who eventually have to start working outside their homes. But it sure is stressing me out, this -fromhome thing. I miss doing unimportant things outside the house. I miss my friends. I miss picking Kukka up from school. I miss our pizza time before her Skaci class. I miss going to the movies. I miss my pilates session. I miss just sitting around and enjoying a cup of coffee in a small coffeeshop. I miss my me-time outside the house. I miss having lunch with my BFF. I miss a lot of things! Unfortunately as a person who suffer from an autoimmune disease, which makes me even more vulnerable to catch COVID-19, I have to be extra patient and super extra careful. The risk is too high. Not only for me but also for everybody around me. Then again, stress is very bad for my health :)) 

So for my well-being I still go out even if it's as simple as driving around Bintaro. Or just relaxing on the patio, enjoying the weather with my girl, SiMoochi and SiBapa. I let all doors in our house wide open to get some fresh air. SiBapa's team also still come to our house and work and do whatever it is that they do up there :)) In some weird ways I do enjoy having SiBapa's team working here :) What I'm trying to say is that we are not being paranoid to be with other people. Once or twice we also go out to meet our parents. Making other people happy can also make you and others healthy you know :)

So yeah... Again. If it's as easy as wearing a mask which can save lives and at the same time can let you live a new normal life, then what's the hold up? Uncomfortable? Yes. Ruining the look? Probably. But so what?!? There's too many "what ifs" involved. Too many questions, doubts and uncertainties. Too much is at stake if you're not wearing a mask. 

What if that one time I didn't wear my mask it caused a family member sick and pass away? What if that one time I forgot to wash my hands it made some stuff I've touched "infected" by this god forsaken virus? What if that one time I chose to ignore all the necessary precautions it made this virus transmission easier? What if that one time YOU chose to be ignorant?

At the end I guess it's all about choice. If you choose to be reasonable, you follow the extra precautions. Wear a mask and have a new normal life. They might spare you and your loved ones a couple more years to live life as healthy beings. If you choose to be as dumb and ignorant as Donald Trump, who said "It is what it is.", better think it through how your stupidity at the end of the day could effect not only you, but also your loved ones. Salute ;)

*I'm wearing this super cool mask by Wickana Laksmi Dewi. Visit Masker Untuk Indonesia and get one ;) 

Dear Kukka: Live It Loud!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Today you're officially one of Sekolah Alam Tangerang's 6th graders! One of the big kids. 5th grade was quite a ride. It surely did have its ups and downs. Now Bapa and Bubu are looking forward to join the ride with you on the last grade of elementary school. Am I worried? To tell you the truth, yes :)) But I have faith in you. As long as you keep your promise not to be lazy, pay attention and ... Well just read this post again! Dear Kukka: Please Learn Your Lesson. You know what things I want to say. Bapa will probably add some more later. In private.

Anyways, being a 6th grader (and tomorrow 11 years old tween, In shã Allãh!!) will have its differences, more or less. Surely you will have more responsibilities, from - at school, surrounding and home. This might sound cliché but just be the best of yourself and show it to everybody that you do enjoy the ride! Ask questions when you have doubts and confusions. Share your happiness and help others who need it. Have lots of friends inside and outside the school and do spend time with them. Be nice and always be polite to your teachers. Be brave and don't be scared to be different. Live the life you're excited about. Have goals and try your best to reach them. 

And baby, remember this. Most importantly you always have me. To get some answers, to share your feelings, to show your excitements or just to be with. No words needed. Ich liebe Dich, Mein Ein und Alles. Good luck and have fun! 

43

I’ve died a thousand times and ways.

Until the day I choose to be reborn.

To be the fire. To be the flame.

I decide to rise brighter and live stronger.

Emerging from the darkness, the broken, the remains.

It’s all me, from me and for me.

Or just like Rumi said: 

“You’ve seen my descent. Now watch my rising.”

Eid Is Coming

It's the time when families and friends get together to ask and give each other forgiveness. It's the time when families and friends enjoying delicious food and naturally each other's company. It's the time when families and friends share funny stories and making new beautiful memories. It's the time to be grateful and happy. Together.

So be nice and stop saying or asking dumb and useless things such as:

1. Kapan nikah? (When are you gonna get married?/Still single?)

2. Jangan terlalu gemuk. (Wow you're fat!)

3. Kok kurus?!? (Why are you so skinny!?)

4. Kemana aja nih? (Where have you been?)

5. Belum isi nih? Keburu tua lho! (You're not pregnant yet? You'll be too old!)

6. Ngga mau nambah lagi? (Don't you want another child?)

And this list can go on and on and on until the end of the world. Feel free to post it on the comment section if you come up with another one. And these are ONLY the things that come out of the mouth. Imagine what's inside the heart??? 

"Wow he's ugly now... Good thing I didn't marry him." 

"Is she getting lips botox injection and facelift?"

"How can he afford that expensive car?"

"That Rolex watch... Is it real?"

"So she got divorced.. She must be cheating on her husband."

"Is he wearing the same baju koko from yesterday's iftar?"

"No hijab? She's definitely not praying hard enough. That's why no enlightenment for her."

Blablablablablablablabla... 

Now my question is: WHY??????????????? If you can't or don't know what to say to the person in front of you, just smile, be nice and MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! Don't make small talks which can lead to anger or even worse, heartbreak and silent tears.

She might still be single because it's her choice and she's happy with it. He might be fat because of some illness he suffering and he's been working his butt off to lose it. She is skinny maybe because it's just the way she is. He might not come to 1001 bukbers (buka bersama) because he's been busy making a living until midnights. She might not be pregnant because she can't and she's trying very hard to accept it. She might not want to have another child because she and her husband only want one or cannot afford it. He might stay inside the house all the time because he's trying to be his own boss and making a home business. The point is you don't know what other people is dealing with and again, it's none of your business.

Lately I consider some gatherings like bukber or in this case Eid as events where people sadly judge each other's condition badly, openly or not, blood-related or not. I'm not a saint. That's obvious. I've made a lot of mistakes. Since I don't live in the jungle and obviously need other people, all I can do now is choosing the kind of gathering which I consider as meaningful and...harmless :)) Like enjoying a cup of coffee or two with friends who we can pour each other's heart out with. Or accepting a friend's invitation just to maintain a good relationship. One thing is definite: if you do want to spend Eid, enjoy the blissful day with the ones you love. So stay healthy, enjoy the rest of this fasting month and remember to finish all the must-dos. 

Because yeah... 

Doc Rocksy Menjelaskan:

..........

Akhirnya saya puas banget nih! Ketemu gelombang kejangnya. Bahkan saat dites Ibu lagi kejang. Ini KLASIK sekali! Ini namanya Gelombang Epilepsi. Ada gelombang tajam, diikuti oleh gelombang lambat. Namanya Kompleks Paku Ombak. Spike and Wave. Adanya dominan di daerah otak sebelah kiri. Yang bekas dulu itu. Dulu pernah radang encephalitis kan? Sisanya jadi Jaringan Parut. Parutnya itu yang jadi sumber listrik berlebihnya. Disebut berat kalau gelombangnya ini menyebar ke seluruh otak. Itu yang baru jadi #teethclattering. Konsisten hanya di otak kiri. Yang di otak lain bersih. Tapi kalau dia makin lama, kalau dia memanjang, bisa menyebar ke semua. Tapi saya udah makin tenang... Bukan makin tenang :)) Tapi jadi nggak usah nyari kemana-mana. 

Ini bukan dibuat-buat. Ini takutnya kalau ada yang masih nanya ya... Bukan juga psikis. Meskipun pemicunya bisa karena stress. Dosis obat sedikit dinaikkan. Tapi memang di samping kenaikan dosis, betul, faktor-faktor pemicu mesti dikontrol. Emosi. Cemas. Khawatir. Takut. Marah. Sedih. Senang. Mesti kayanya lempeeeng aja gitu! Ngga beremosi. Makanan jangan sampai terlalu lapar deh... Gula turun, laper, makanan buat otak berkurang. Bisa jadi pemicu. Nanti bulan puasa, latihan dulu beberapa hari supaya terbiasa.

Selain makanan, cape, emosi, sinar terlalu terang juga kadang-kadang bisa memicu. Tapi biasanya kalau yang temporal lobe ini karena emosi atau stress sih... Bener kata si kecil ya :)) Olahraga paling bener, paling rileks pilates. Jalan sore bagus banget sebetulnya. Jam 4an aja. Jangan menjelang maghrib. Secara medisnya, dari terang ke gelap, tubuh kita mengeluarkan hormon sebagai persiapan untuk tidur. Tapi kadang-kadang hormon tidurnya itu bikin ada nggak seimbang yang lain-lainnya juga. Yang kedua, dari terang ke gelap, mata kita juga adaptasi. Jadi kadang-kadang karena masalah ada perubahan aja sih... Karena ini lebih sensitive aja...

.......... (Actual conversation shortened and edited)

Why I Don't Tell Kukka That She's Pretty (Very Often)

And even if I do, I always tell her only after I say prayers in her ears. That she will grow up to be a shalihah woman, healthy, smart, generous, and more. Last I say to Kukka that I hope she will grow up to be a beautiful woman, inside and outside. Usually I say it to her in Sundanese, more or less like this: 

"Sing shalihah ya neeeeeng! Sing pinter, sehat cantik lahir batin yaaaa!" 

I do this every day, almost every time whenever I have the chance.. Why? Because I believe in a mother's prayers for her child. And then I would shower Kukka with kisses until she becomes majorly annoyed and runs away :)) It gets harder by the day though. Since she's becoming bigger, stronger, taller and already has that preteen attitude. Yeah... Kukka already considers my hugs and kisses are bothering.

So... Why don't I tell Kukka that she's pretty very often? Well... First of all I don't want her to grow up to be the kind of woman who thinks that she's so pretty and then behave like a pompous bitch. In Bahasa Indonesia we say it "Sok kecakepan". :)) I also don't want Kukka to think that appearance is everything. I do remind her to take good care of herself, like physically. I always remind her to brush her teeth really well so her mouth won't smell. I remind Kukka to take a shower every day. While having our girls talk, I (still) brush Kukka's hair before bed. I said it'll make her hair healthy and shiny. But I always tell Kukka that being kind and polite will make her even more beautiful.

Lots of my friends or even strangers say to me that I have a beautiful daughter. I just smile and say thank you. Am I proud? Well of course! What kind of mother would I be if I'm not proud to have a pretty daughter?!? The most recent comment about Kukka is from the school. Ever since Kukka got into Sekolah Alam Tangerang she gets teased a lot by the boys. Especially the 6th graders. Kukka doesn't like it. She hates it so much she even gets into fights with them. Hitting the boys with a broom until it broke, coming home crying, looking angry with red puffy eyes. I asked the school what happened. One of their explanations was because Kukka is a new student and she's pretty. So she's an "easy target". The It Girl :)) When the teachers told me and SiBapa, we didn't say anything. We just kept listening to the teacher. I did take a glimpse at SiBapa's face. It was flat. No proud smile or any kind. I smiled and even laughed a bit. In my heart. Not because of the teacher's story. It's because of SiBapa's face! FYI SiBapa is not the kind of person who easily gives praises. Not even to his only daughter. And in this special case I know why. We have the same reasons. And maybe he has more.

Being ungenerous with praises does has its own price though. Especially now that she's in her preteen age, Kukka is becoming even more sensitive and moody. Many times, like out of nowhere, she would come to me and asks "Bubu, do you think I'm pretty?" or "Bubu, do I look beautiful wearing this?" or "Bubu, how do I look? Do I look cute?". Again. I would answer her questions with hugs and kisses and I-love-yous. Sometimes it makes me kind of sad and feel guilty. But again, I answer her questions with prayers, encouragements, hugs and kisses. Aaaaand of course like always, there's a lot of I-love-yous involved :)

I've personally seen and heard stories what lack of love and compassion, physically and verbally, can do to a child. Kukka is my everything. She is Mein Ein und Alles. She is my Precious Godsend. I would take a bullet for her. But again, everything doesn't mean spoiling her like crazy with physical praises and giving her every single thing that she wants. Maybe one day Kukka will blame me for being stingy of praises like this. But one thing for sure, as she gets maturer and smarter, Kukka will be grateful that she has tough parents. Not exactly the best. But SiBapa and SiBubu are pretty...okay? Right, baby girl? :)    

"No Phone, Be There More."

This is my new... Well... You can say it's a motto or whatever. It's just something that I’m trying to tell/remind myself. Especially when I’m together with my loved ones, like families & friends who really matter to me. Why? Because lately I just don’t get it. You say you want to spend time with your families, your friends, or whoever it is, yet you’re busy with your cell phone. I’m not saying that I’m throwing my iPhone away or totally keeping it inside my bag like 100% whenever I'm spending time with someone. Because for those who know me well, I really like to take pictures. First of all I’m a photo hoarder & photos help me to remind things (another way to cheat :D). Especially moments that are to me personally are too precious to forget. BUT playing games or talking or chatting on the cell phone while you are actually WITH someone? I think it’s totally rude. Sadly it’s becoming a common sight though… Where everybody is busy with his/her phone instead of having a real conversation with the person next to him/her. A family gathering for example looks more like people being in a same room but don’t really care about each other's presence. 

A couple of days ago my aunty came to our house with her daughter & son in-law. I didn’t invite her. She was just passing by. I was surprised, in a good way of course. I was delighted that she made some time to visit me. But it didn’t take long for me to be disappointed or should I say…confused? Why? Well… Because almost the entire time she was here, my aunty was busy talking on her 2 cell phones on both ears. Yes. I say it again: 2 cell phones, 2 ears. Obviously she wasn’t talking to me, her niece who was sitting right in front of her. I did however had conversation with my cousin & her husband. But there were definitely lots of awkward moments. Such as silence or they were busy with themselves instead of talking to me. The person who they visited. I didn’t know what to do. So I started to walk around the house, playing with Moochi & I even went to my bedroom, closed the door & sat on my bed for awhile. When they said goodbye, I was actually relieved. 

Yes. I’m very much aware that my aunty or at least my cousin would read this posting. But I’m not worried. Am I sorry? No, I’m not sorry for writing this. Why should I? I'm not doing anything wrong. This is my way to tell everybody who wants to visit, meet or spend time with me that: if you DO want to meet me, then BE here with me. Spend time with me like... Oh I don't know! Just talk to me, tell me what’s going on in your life lately, where are you going to, what’s happening, what’s the latest movie you’ve watched, what are your plans, who is your latest crush, ANYTHING!!! JUST. TALK. Don’t come here or tell me that you want to see me but then your eyes are more fixated on your cell phone. Because if you do that, you’re wasting my time. 

Yesterday on Idul Adha day Hubster, Kukka & I went to Bogor to visit Mom & Dad. And alhamdulillah my big sister & her family were also there. It was such a great time. We had some coffee. We talked about the kids: Namira, Alyna & Kukka, who were also there & shared their stories. We had meals together. We talked about the past. We laughed, hugged & kissed. There was a moment when it made my eyes all teary. When we were all set to go home, I hugged & kissed my mom. Then she said “Sering-sering atuh ngumpul kaya gini… Kan seneng ngobrol, cerita-cerita. Mani rindu…” (More or less: “We should spend more time together like this. It’s fun to share stories. I miss it very much.”). I still shed some tears when our car was already far away from Mom’s house… Heck I'm crying right now as I'm typing this!!!

Anyways later on I tried really hard to remember everything & wrote the things that happened in my diary. It was really hard but I took it as a brain exercise. I must say I did pretty good :) Minutes later when I was reading my writing (I always do this because many times I write the same stuff over & over again.), something just hit me & I had to write it down: “No phone, be there more.” And I was like... Okay I have to blog about this & share it. Maybe it'll do something good. Maybe by reading this piece, you'd realize that you actually spend more time with your cell phone rather than with your kids, parents, other family members or friends in real life. Then that sad day will come, when you can't be with your loved ones anymore. Together. Ever again.

And then you'd finally fully aware that you certainly can't turn back the time.

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you

Being Bubu

Lately I've been thinking about parenting styles. Eversince I wanted I child I promised myself to be a good mother. An ideal one to be precise. You know... The kind who never scold & yell but give encouragements instead. The kind who is not spoiling the child by giving her everything that she wants. The kind who will only give the child the things that she deserves. The kind who makes a list of must-dos & must-don'ts & make damn sure that the kid follows them all. You know... A too-good-to-be-true kind of mother. For example... I want Kukka to know that if she makes a mistake, she has to realize it & apologize. I don't want to be the kind of mother who thinks that her child is always right. That if something is wrong, it must be the other's side's fault. Or even worse, I don't want my child to realize that she makes a mistake & doesn't even WANT to apologize. But of course there's no such thing as an ideal parent.

The older Kukka gets, the more I realize how hard being a mother can be. Sure. Most of the times we get along very well. For example Hubster & I always make sure that Kukka greets everybody & says thank you. Like every morning when Kukka meets our housecrew she would say "Selamat pagi Mba Dewi. Selamat pagi Mas Ari." She also says "Tolong" & "Terima kasih". Alhamdulillah she does all those things just like we taught her to do. Kukka almost always asks for permission. Even if it's just whether she's allowed to eat Nutella sandwich or drink milk between meal times. Or if she's allowed to hear music while doing her homework. Kukka goes to bed at 8pm, accompanied by me until 10pm with the lights off. If it's passed 10pm & Kukka is still jumping around, I leave her to sleep by herself. She doesn't whine or worse, cry. Sometimes Kukka just asks whether she's allowed to turn the lights on or not. After she finishes her meal, Kukka cleans up our dining table & picks up the scattered food on the floor. Before putting the dirty dishes on the sink, she throws the left-over in the trash bin outside.

Kukka loves to ask questions & I try to answer them...age-appropriately. If I don't have the answer, I ask Kukka to give me some time to find out. We share lots of stories before bedtime like my mom & I used to do. Kukka's idea of bedtime stories are about my childhood and lately it becomes more like a Q&A session. It can be about anything. Starting from love like my ex boyfriends or how I met her beloved Bapa to "Bubu, have you ever wondered why some things are satisfying & some don't?".  Or "Bubu, what happens if Donald Trump & Hitler teamed up?". Kukka is also curious about religion. One time she asked me if it's true that there's absolutely nothing that can kill ALLAH SWT. So yeah...  Parenting is difficult & I'm trying to be the best kind of mother that Kukka deserves. 

But of course now that she's getting older, things are getting tougher. Especially when it involves school stuff. Good god! I think 80% there are yelling, screaming even tears involve when it comes to homeworks! "I don't know." & "I don't remember." Everytime I hear those sentences I feel like pulling out my hair! One time things got very dramatic, Kukka cried & screamed "You don't love me anymore!!!" I must admit it was a pretty dilemmatic situation. I wanted to cry but also laughed my butt off when I heard Kukka said that. I mean... Seriously?????? :))) Anyways, as for punishment, the worse I can give to Kukka is no game time. This is like the end of the world for Kukka. One time she said "I'm sitting in sadness." I think it was because she wasn't allowed to play game before she does her Kumon sheets & Bahasa Indonesia. Yes. I can be tough like that. Meanwhile her Bapa can ruin everything by bending the rules. That's why lately Kukka loves to go out with Bapa even when he's actually working.

I don't know about you, other mothers. But lately I feel like I'm the bad guy here. I'm the one who say NO. I'm the one who say it's bathtime, it's bedtime, it's homework time, it's no-tv time, it's Kumon time, it's Bahasa Indonesia time. I'm the one who is not fun. I'm the one who want only the best for my baby.

Yeah. I am the mother. :) 

Why Wait?

It's just another Sunday night... Nothing new really. I put my baby to sleep, played some games, read books, watched the news, Netflixing, wrote some stories, replied messages etc.. Still. I'm having a hard time to sleep. Might as well make the most of it by blogging about stuff. There are so many things going on in my head right now. Statements, questions, random words... And just minutes ago I had this...thing in my head which I have to get it out. An epiphany? Maybe... All I know is that if I don't start writing about it, I'd be up all night. 

You see... Don't you think it's kind of sad that most people tend to say nice things about you but only when you're already gone? Gone as in... Dead. Deceased. Passed away. Even if you don't know that person very well but still. When you die and your friends are asked to make a comment or say a few words about you, I bet it will be good things. Well... Nowadays you don't even have to ask! I bet she would leave touchy goodbyes on your twitter or Path. He would share thoughtful prayers on your Facebook or apologies to your Whatsapp. She'd blogged about her sweet experiences with you, the deceased. He would let everybody know how he truly felt about you but only when you're already gone. It makes me wonder. What's the point? Why not now while you still can hear it? Why not now while you are able to say something back? And same thing goes to you!

Why don't you tell her NOW that you love her? Why don't you tell her NOW that you are sorry? Why don't you tell her NOW that her hair looks pretty? Why don't you call him NOW and tell him that you miss him? Why don't you tell him NOW that his writing is mindblowing? Why don't you tell him NOW that his pictures look cool? Why wait? Or even worse, why don't you say anything until all that's left will be if onlys and regrets? So again...

WHY. NOT. NOW?

Dear Kukka: Give Me (More) Time

First I would like to thank you for making me laugh like crazy today. You said something that made me laugh so hard I had tears all over my face. I really couldn't stop! Not until I saw your expression started to change. I noticed that you looked... Sad if not upset. And fortunately just like that I remember when you told me that you didn't like it if somebody is laughing at you. Especially whenever you talk in Bahasa Indonesia. But wait! That's another story. Let me write about what just happened in the car this afternoon. 

When you were still in Kumon class I was checking your twitter account and I saw something funny posted by Majalah Bobo. I told myself "I'm gonna show this to Kukka!" and I did. But unfortunately I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. Seconds after I showed you the tweet, instead of commenting about it, you cringed and complained with a serious yet still very cute face: "I don't want to follow BOBO!" I was... I mean... I thought... I was like... My eyes got bigger, my mouth was opened wide and then I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I laughed sooo hard and soooo long! I really couldn't stop!!! By the time I managed to stop I asked you why you didn't want to follow Bobo. I told you that Bobo is a very nice magazine and that you can learn Bahasa Indonesia by reading it etc. Yet your expression didn't change and you kept saying "I don't want to follow Bobo!". After I managed to control myself, I opened your twitter account and unfollow Majalah Bobo right in front of you. Eventhough I am still in control of every social media account you have, I told you that I was sorry and that next time I will ask you first who you do want to follow. Anyways... Later on it got me thinking... I just realized (maybe for the gazzilionth times) that you, my baby girl, are not a baby anymore and I have to (learn to) accept it. Because you, obviously, don't want to be treated like one.

Now here I am, sitting on the dining chair, with my fingers on the keyboard and looking straight at you, my beautiful 9-going-on-10 year old girl. Today is the first day of fasting month and you spent the day without complaining. Well... You did mention that you could eat all the food on the table but no. Whining? A bit. But no. You didn't complain much. Now you're watching tv while having your all time favorite menu: spaghetti bolognese and broccoli. I can't help not to smile and feeling grateful. ALLAH SWT knows how much I love you, mein Schatz and I am very proud of you. That goes without saying. And it's quite difficult to accept the fact that now you prefer to watch some teenage-highschool serials instead of Pocoyo. That you really like to listen to adult songs on Mustang FM instead of watching Mickey-Minnie-Donald singing and dancing on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And the questions you ask me? I mean the adult-related questions? Dear god... I just can't believe it :)) But I guess I just have to learn harder to be a mother of a 9yo girl. A good friend of mine who has an older child told me that I should be prepared. Because the time will come when you, my precious, angelic kid of mine soon CAN and WILL make me angry, insulted or sad on daily basis. Well actually the time IS already here, isn't it? :)) There's one "drama" that got stucked in my head. You screamed to my face "You don't love me anymore!" and me sobbing on the floor like a lonely old lady? What happened? I don't remember and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a matter of life and death :)) But yeah... It already happened. Good thing Bapa wasn't there huh?! If he was, both of us could be "scolded and grounded" :)))

So yes.. Kukka... As a normal human being with all my limitations, can you please give Bubu more time to accept, to understand and to learn how to be a mother to a super smart, sensitive, beautiful inside-and-out girl like you? Because to be honest it's not easy, you know... Before satisfying your curiousity, I have to google or ask around first. Before giving you some motherly advices, I have to think really careful and really hard. Because I only want to tell you the right things. I only want to give you the best ones. And to do that, I need time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Maybe for as long as I shall live. So again... Give Bubu more time. Please?

Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned...

It's been 56 days since my last entry. 

And that is NOT good. It's not like I don't have anything interesting to write about or nothing cool to show off. It's just that... It's not...there. The passion to write. One of the things that I love more than anything. It's scary you know... It's sad. Losing passion. It's practically like you are losing yourself really... You don't want that. You shouldn't ever feel it. But well... There are some things you simply cannot avoid. The next step is to find it again. How? That's the big question. As for me... THIS is the answer.

Today I just start to write. To blog to be more precise. About anything that comes out of my mind. Anything that blurts out from my mouth. Yes, I do that sometimes. Especially when I'm alone. I talk to myself while I'm writing. Just like now. It makes writing much easier. It's also fun. Specifically while blogging :)) Try it. But do it whenever you're at home. You don't want people to think you're crazy, right? Now back to this losing passion thing. I don't think I ever feel this way about writing. I still write on my diary though. Sometimes I miss a day or two. But yeah... Besides the fact that it is sort of a must from my doc, writing on my diary is also fun. I love doing it the old way. On a nice looking diary and using a pen. I bring these two things wherever I go. I write while I'm sipping coffee in a cafe and observing my surrounding. Many times also when I'm looking at my beloved Godsend while she's playing with Moochi at home. Usually before I start to write on my diary, I go back a couple of pages or more. I read all the things I've written back in the days. The good and the bad ones. A lot of things could happen afterwards. Sometimes I would feel happy, even laugh outloud like crazy. But many times I also shed some tears. The good thing is after a couple of hours or even minutes later I would forget about the sad things I've written and read. Then I’d start to laugh again, take my pen and use it!

Apparently it's also been forever since the last time I've laughed a lot. How do I know this? Those who are close to me said so. Besides losing the passion to write, I've also lost the passion to have a good time. Why? I don't know. Nobody said anything about this either. You see... Almost all my life I've been known as this girl who likes to have a good time. Too much even. I did what I liked, what I wanted, how I wanted, when and with whoever I chose. No regrets. Well... Not 100% but yeah... But one day, I still don't know why, somehow it changed. I changed. Not in a good way. But now I want to change back to my oldself. So besides (trying) not to give a shit about annoying, insignificant stuff, I start to do the things I love such as:

1. Going to the cinema.

Those who know me wouldn't be too surprised. I LOVE to watch movies. It's one of my biggest hobbies other than writing and drawing. Not only binge watching movies on tv and serials on iPad, I also love going to the cinema. I love to watch new movies on a big screen, in a big theater while munching popcorn and sipping milkshake. Lately I've been doing this particular hobby alone. Why alone? You see... The problem is neither my husband nor my daughter share the same hobby. They can be sooooo boring! Whenever they have some spare time, all they want to do is play game on their computers from dusk ‘til dawn. Meh. But okay. Fine with me. I don't have any problems going to the movies all by myself. It's actually more fun because whenever I watch with Hubster, he always has something to complain about. -_-  Me? I just watch. If the movie turns out to be bad then... #shrug 

2. Me-Timing. This involves enjoying a good book and a decent cup of coffee in a small cafe or browsing books in the book stores. Sometimes I go shopping and check out some new shoes or clothes (Unlike my husband, I don't do this too often :p). Yes. I do have friends. I don't have many of them who I want to spend time with but... Yeah... Most of the time I would rather be by myself. Am I loner? Well I wouldn't say that but... I don't know. Lately I don't know how to behave whenever I'm in a crowd. I don't know what to say or what not to say. I don't know what to wear, what not to wear. I don't know what's in and what's...out. I don't know whether I should laugh or smile, frown or just "Meh." The worst part is I find most people now are phonies, double-faced and annoying like... Big time. I'm afraid the level of my tolerance would suddenly drop to zero. God forbid I'd start to say inappropriate things in return whenever somebody says or does something I don't like. Hence the spending time alone thing is more appealing. And safer :D 

3. Cooking. I've already blogged about this. So I will not write about it again. If you want to know just click this :) 

4. Painting/Drawing. I've also already blogged about this. Sadly to say I didn't finished the Drawtober :( Although I swore that I would finished it. But I will start drawing again. I promise!!! Starting with the painting upstairs which has already been neglected since... I don't know when. 

5. Taking and printing pictures. Choosing the best ones, print and hang them on the walls around the house. This so-called project has been neglected too long. We've been living in this house since 2010 (?) yet there's only 1 big frame with small pictures on the living room wall. I want more. I want Kukka's baby pictures, our wedding pictures, family pictures and also the paintings that I will be making (Wish me luck! LOL). 

6. Last but not least... Finishing my writing. I can't tell you much about this... But as you as my witness, I will finish it! So help me god! :)) 

Adieu!

Lost.

Do you have that so-called “safe place”? You know... That certain place, hideaway, den, sanctuary, shelter, haven,... A place where you feel... Well, safe, obviously. And as a bonus it’s also a place where you always feel welcomed, missed and certainly loved. A place where you can always be yourself, say whatever you want to say, do whatever you want to do. Without ever worrying or even give a shit that somebody out there will judge or scold you? Do you have one? And do you think you need one? Better yet, does anybody need one? 

Anyways... Lately I’ve just realized that a safe place could also be a person. That certain someone who can make you enjoy the moments, together or apart. A person who makes you feel comfortable. A person who lets you be yourself completely. No judging, no pretending. A person who makes you always feel wanted and like I’ve mentioned above: loved. No. I'm not talking about a family member or a BFF aka Best-Friend-Forever. Because a family member or a BFF will always be on your side, no matter what. His or her comments and opinions are not objective. They will always be about you. But a "safe place"... That's a different thing.  

Eventhough he or she knows that you are wrong, you feel fine about it. Both of you feel okay about it. Advices and consolations will be there. But you won't feel any guilt nor shame. Because she'll never say, in Bahasa Indonesia: "Harusnya tuh kamu...." or in english: "You should've...". Nope. None. There's just listen, listen and listen. Then, only then, when you ask for advices, he'll give them to you. With nice and comforting words, calm and encouraging. And most importantly: objective. 

Well... If you do have one, don't let her go. Stay close and keep on sharing. It doesn't mean that you have to talk to each other every single day. This is also the beauty of having a safe place. Eventhough you don't communicate with each other every day, but when you do, it will be intense. It will be more than enough. It will be soothing. And if you do have one, take good care of your relationship. Because when it's broken, you will feel lost. And lonely.

Ied Is Coming

Well what do you know… Fasting month is almost over. In 5 hours to be exact (now: 12:50 pm). So it means that tomorrow is Ied, inSha'Allah. The day when families gather together with extra excitement and love fills the air. Unfortunately it’s also the day when unfamiliar faces pop up in front of you and give you awkward hugs and kisses. For some, it’s also the day when you have to answer cringe-worthy questions or comments, such as “Kapan kawin? (When are you going to get married?)" or “Gemukan ya sekarang! (Gaining some weight, have you?)". For me personally, there’s more. No, I’m not talking about my illness. I’m not going to mention how everybody would ask and comment about it as if they really care. It’s about my precious godsend. 

Hubster and I have been blessed with a daughter who has a super cute face and nice features. Ever since she was still a bald baby, Kukka has been showered with compliments. Although she cried like there was no tomorrow :)) But still… Heads were turned, kisses were given and millions of “Aaaaw!"s were said. Heck! Kukka has fans!!! :)) Now the more she’s growing, the more compliments Kukka is getting. And I think Kukka is starting to realize it. Now you see… Here comes the ”problem”. I’ve always…dislike (read: hate) girls who think that they are sooo pretty! Those girls who are too much aware of themselves, especially of their looks. Actually it also goes for boys (or men!). The bottom line is I don’t like people who think that being good-looking make them better than anybody else. Ugh. No way! 

I don’t want my baby girl to grow up to be one of those kids! God forbid. That’s why ever since I could remember, I always give Kukka compliments for being a very caring and very kindhearted girl. Sometimes on her “insecure” days, Kukka would ask me whether I think she’s pretty or not. I have to admit that question makes me feel like I’m a bad and ungrateful mother. Maybe I should praise Kukka more about her looks… Maybe I should give Kukka more compliments everytime she’s all dressed-up whenever we will go out. That’s why lately I’ve been telling Kukka how pretty she looks with her new hairdo or I love the way she mix-and-matches her clothes. 

But afterwards, again and again and again, that along with those physical perks, I tell Kukka that most importantly ALLAH SWT has given her a beautiful heart and a very smart brain. And that is exactly why people love her. Not because she is pretty or because she’s slim and tall. I keep telling Kukka she has a lot of friends because she’s nice, polite and helpful. No matter how difficult she could be, if she does make a mistake, Kukka will apologize (or SiBubu will make her do it! :p). Whenever we come across people how have less, physically or emotionally, I tell Kukka how different our life could be. But look what ALLAH has given us! Good health, comfy home, lots of friends, and most importantly, great love for each other. At the end of the day, I remind Kukka how fortunate her life is and always remember to thank ALLAH for it. Usually after those kind of mother-daughter talk, Kukka will say “I know, Bubu - I understand, Bubu - Yes I will, Bubu.” And most importantly she will hug me tight and say “I love you, Bubu.”

And that, people, 

is how a mother wraps up her day perfectly and the fasting month blissfully. 

Insha'Allah :)

41

I'm still here. 

Holding on to dear life.

With my beloved families and faithful friends. 

And all the other things that I'm still being blessed with.

I'm still here. 

With not much words to say and share.

Yet my heart is bursting with emotions. 

Stuck until I guess only God knows when. 

I'm still here.

To hold grudges slightly and to forgive greatly.

Accepting the fact that world is not always sunshines and rainbows.

That enemies can turn into families and friends can indeed be enemies.

I'm still here.

Aging yet trying. 

Not only to have less life. 

But to appreciate more and take things less for granted.

41. 

Well, here I come.

Bring it on, 2017!

As I’m writing this post, it’s already 00:32 in January 1st 2017. I’ve just realized that I didn’t write anything in December 2016. My last posting was November 24th. That’s not good. Not for me. It’s like I’m losing the only thing that I love to do, which is writing/blogging. I’m not sure why. It’s not like that nothing interesting is happening. But if you ask me now “What-Where-Why-Who-How”... Mmm... I can’t answer it. I have to cheat first by checking out my twitter, instagram and path accounts. #LOL. But what I do remember is that...

My health is getting steadier if not better. Partly because my awesome doctor has figured it out why and when I would get seizures. So yes, my seizure is now “controllable”. And also my appetite. The new pills don’t make me want to eat like every second. All I have to do is taking my pills on time, get enough rest and no stress. Yes. The last part sounds awfully cliché. But it’s true. Because as far as I can remember, the second I worry or overthink about something, my body starts to shiver, my hands shaking and that annoying nausea starts to attack my tummy. And don’t get me started with that awful and strange headache. It’s not just about the pain. It’s that disturbing...feeling of being there and nowhere. You can’t make up your mind what to think, where to be or what to say. You know those swirly scenes in the movies when a person falls into a limbo? When a person just kind of floats around in the middle of nowhere, along with lots of stuff like chairs, tables, books, cats, glasses etc? Yup. That’s how it feels like. No matter how hard you want it to stop, no matter how much you want to...”land”, you can’t. That’s how it feels like. But yes. Now I can control it much better than before.

Besides getting much needed rest, I also try not to give a lot of shit about things that are...shitty anymore :)) I’m trying. But like I said many times before. This illness of mine is some kind of a hidden blessing. Why? Because there are a lot of shitty, sad and awful things that I don’t/can’t remember!!! So yes. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it. It’s because I CAN’T!!! #LMAO Now if that is not a blessing, I don’t know what that is. Hmmm... What else? Oh yeah! I just remember that on January 2016 I did blog about making resolutions! Okay let me check them out. Oh and please do notice that striking one resolution out doesn’t mean that I did it and then stop doing it. It could mean that I already did it and I have to keep doing it and be even better. So let’s see:

Love.
Smile.
Rest!!!
Forgive.
Apologize.
Exercise!!!!!!!
Make it happen.
Write every day!!!
Be brave. Speak up.
Judge less, help more.
Spend time with Kukka.
Shit happens. So what!??!
Accept my flaws. And others.
Listen to my body, soul and heart.
Meet my friends in real life more often.
Make lots of phone calls. Use less chat apps.
Embrace my old self. Yes. The fun part that is.
Do whatever makes me happy. Yup! WHATEVER.
Do crazy things sometimes, or often, IS necessary.
If shit happens, sit back and relax. Let life do its magic.
Make new friends, stay in contact with old ones and maintain.
Haters can kiss my ass. Lovers do come, let’s smooch and hug.
Never lie to my daughter. Teach her to accept the truth instead.
Read, remember, read again, recall and actually do all the #frikis2016, which now changes into #frikis2017

Any changes? Anything new to add? Hmm... Let me see...

Laugh!!!
Dress up!
Be more confident.
Cook (almost) every day.
More girl talk with Kukka!!!
Lose weight!!! At least 10 kilos!!!
Embrace my old self but less crazy!!!
Talk to Kukka in Bahasa Indonesia & German.
Don’t push myself too hard to remember the past.
Create better, healthier and more awesome future instead!!! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!! :)