Eid Is Coming

It's the time when families and friends get together to ask and give each other forgiveness. It's the time when families and friends enjoying delicious food and naturally each other's company. It's the time when families and friends share funny stories and making new beautiful memories. It's the time to be grateful and happy. Together.

So be nice and stop saying or asking dumb and useless things such as:

1. Kapan nikah? (When are you gonna get married?/Still single?)

2. Jangan terlalu gemuk. (Wow you're fat!)

3. Kok kurus?!? (Why are you so skinny!?)

4. Kemana aja nih? (Where have you been?)

5. Belum isi nih? Keburu tua lho! (You're not pregnant yet? You'll be too old!)

6. Ngga mau nambah lagi? (Don't you want another child?)

And this list can go on and on and on until the end of the world. Feel free to post it on the comment section if you come up with another one. And these are ONLY the things that come out of the mouth. Imagine what's inside the heart??? 

"Wow he's ugly now... Good thing I didn't marry him." 

"Is she getting lips botox injection and facelift?"

"How can he afford that expensive car?"

"That Rolex watch... Is it real?"

"So she got divorced.. She must be cheating on her husband."

"Is he wearing the same baju koko from yesterday's iftar?"

"No hijab? She's definitely not praying hard enough. That's why no enlightenment for her."

Blablablablablablablabla... 

Now my question is: WHY??????????????? If you can't or don't know what to say to the person in front of you, just smile, be nice and MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! Don't make small talks which can lead to anger or even worse, heartbreak and silent tears.

She might still be single because it's her choice and she's happy with it. He might be fat because of some illness he suffering and he's been working his butt off to lose it. She is skinny maybe because it's just the way she is. He might not come to 1001 bukbers (buka bersama) because he's been busy making a living until midnights. She might not be pregnant because she can't and she's trying very hard to accept it. She might not want to have another child because she and her husband only want one or cannot afford it. He might stay inside the house all the time because he's trying to be his own boss and making a home business. The point is you don't know what other people is dealing with and again, it's none of your business.

Lately I consider some gatherings like bukber or in this case Eid as events where people sadly judge each other's condition badly, openly or not, blood-related or not. I'm not a saint. That's obvious. I've made a lot of mistakes. Since I don't live in the jungle and obviously need other people, all I can do now is choosing the kind of gathering which I consider as meaningful and...harmless :)) Like enjoying a cup of coffee or two with friends who we can pour each other's heart out with. Or accepting a friend's invitation just to maintain a good relationship. One thing is definite: if you do want to spend Eid, enjoy the blissful day with the ones you love. So stay healthy, enjoy the rest of this fasting month and remember to finish all the must-dos. 

Because yeah... 

"No Phone, Be There More."

This is my new... Well... You can say it's a motto or whatever. It's just something that I’m trying to tell/remind myself. Especially when I’m together with my loved ones, like families & friends who really matter to me. Why? Because lately I just don’t get it. You say you want to spend time with your families, your friends, or whoever it is, yet you’re busy with your cell phone. I’m not saying that I’m throwing my iPhone away or totally keeping it inside my bag like 100% whenever I'm spending time with someone. Because for those who know me well, I really like to take pictures. First of all I’m a photo hoarder & photos help me to remind things (another way to cheat :D). Especially moments that are to me personally are too precious to forget. BUT playing games or talking or chatting on the cell phone while you are actually WITH someone? I think it’s totally rude. Sadly it’s becoming a common sight though… Where everybody is busy with his/her phone instead of having a real conversation with the person next to him/her. A family gathering for example looks more like people being in a same room but don’t really care about each other's presence. 

A couple of days ago my aunty came to our house with her daughter & son in-law. I didn’t invite her. She was just passing by. I was surprised, in a good way of course. I was delighted that she made some time to visit me. But it didn’t take long for me to be disappointed or should I say…confused? Why? Well… Because almost the entire time she was here, my aunty was busy talking on her 2 cell phones on both ears. Yes. I say it again: 2 cell phones, 2 ears. Obviously she wasn’t talking to me, her niece who was sitting right in front of her. I did however had conversation with my cousin & her husband. But there were definitely lots of awkward moments. Such as silence or they were busy with themselves instead of talking to me. The person who they visited. I didn’t know what to do. So I started to walk around the house, playing with Moochi & I even went to my bedroom, closed the door & sat on my bed for awhile. When they said goodbye, I was actually relieved. 

Yes. I’m very much aware that my aunty or at least my cousin would read this posting. But I’m not worried. Am I sorry? No, I’m not sorry for writing this. Why should I? I'm not doing anything wrong. This is my way to tell everybody who wants to visit, meet or spend time with me that: if you DO want to meet me, then BE here with me. Spend time with me like... Oh I don't know! Just talk to me, tell me what’s going on in your life lately, where are you going to, what’s happening, what’s the latest movie you’ve watched, what are your plans, who is your latest crush, ANYTHING!!! JUST. TALK. Don’t come here or tell me that you want to see me but then your eyes are more fixated on your cell phone. Because if you do that, you’re wasting my time. 

Yesterday on Idul Adha day Hubster, Kukka & I went to Bogor to visit Mom & Dad. And alhamdulillah my big sister & her family were also there. It was such a great time. We had some coffee. We talked about the kids: Namira, Alyna & Kukka, who were also there & shared their stories. We had meals together. We talked about the past. We laughed, hugged & kissed. There was a moment when it made my eyes all teary. When we were all set to go home, I hugged & kissed my mom. Then she said “Sering-sering atuh ngumpul kaya gini… Kan seneng ngobrol, cerita-cerita. Mani rindu…” (More or less: “We should spend more time together like this. It’s fun to share stories. I miss it very much.”). I still shed some tears when our car was already far away from Mom’s house… Heck I'm crying right now as I'm typing this!!!

Anyways later on I tried really hard to remember everything & wrote the things that happened in my diary. It was really hard but I took it as a brain exercise. I must say I did pretty good :) Minutes later when I was reading my writing (I always do this because many times I write the same stuff over & over again.), something just hit me & I had to write it down: “No phone, be there more.” And I was like... Okay I have to blog about this & share it. Maybe it'll do something good. Maybe by reading this piece, you'd realize that you actually spend more time with your cell phone rather than with your kids, parents, other family members or friends in real life. Then that sad day will come, when you can't be with your loved ones anymore. Together. Ever again.

And then you'd finally fully aware that you certainly can't turn back the time.

Why Wait?

It's just another Sunday night... Nothing new really. I put my baby to sleep, played some games, read books, watched the news, Netflixing, wrote some stories, replied messages etc.. Still. I'm having a hard time to sleep. Might as well make the most of it by blogging about stuff. There are so many things going on in my head right now. Statements, questions, random words... And just minutes ago I had this...thing in my head which I have to get it out. An epiphany? Maybe... All I know is that if I don't start writing about it, I'd be up all night. 

You see... Don't you think it's kind of sad that most people tend to say nice things about you but only when you're already gone? Gone as in... Dead. Deceased. Passed away. Even if you don't know that person very well but still. When you die and your friends are asked to make a comment or say a few words about you, I bet it will be good things. Well... Nowadays you don't even have to ask! I bet she would leave touchy goodbyes on your twitter or Path. He would share thoughtful prayers on your Facebook or apologies to your Whatsapp. She'd blogged about her sweet experiences with you, the deceased. He would let everybody know how he truly felt about you but only when you're already gone. It makes me wonder. What's the point? Why not now while you still can hear it? Why not now while you are able to say something back? And same thing goes to you!

Why don't you tell her NOW that you love her? Why don't you tell her NOW that you are sorry? Why don't you tell her NOW that her hair looks pretty? Why don't you call him NOW and tell him that you miss him? Why don't you tell him NOW that his writing is mindblowing? Why don't you tell him NOW that his pictures look cool? Why wait? Or even worse, why don't you say anything until all that's left will be if onlys and regrets? So again...

WHY. NOT. NOW?

Who Do You Think You Are?

"Sekali ini aja kok!" or "Just this once!"

This 'magic' sentence... The one you say in moments when you actually think you are God. You think you can control what will, is, and going to happen. 

An innocent and curious child who thinks that putting his hand inside a cage full of dogs won't hurt him. That no dog will bite him. But who knows??? - A woman lets her friend kiss her for old time sake. Just this once. She will not let anything happen further than a harmless kiss. But who knows??? - A man gets drunk and drives his car afterwards. Nothing ever happens before. So he's sure that he'll arrive safely at home. But who knows???

"Who knows?" 

I'm not saying that you should live in fear, that you should worry all the time and end up doing nothing, or not going anywhere anymore. Just like that boy Oskar Schell in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close movie. It just amazes me really. How some people think of themselves above everybody else. Which makes it even worse, she/he thinks above The One who created her/him. Just because she wears a hijab. Or he has dark spots on his forehead. Or she goes to the church more often than others. And so on and so on. No. That's not a guarantee. A sinful man who gives his last rupiah to the poor could be the one who'll enjoy heaven. While the man who goes to the mosque everyday but treats other people like shit will end up in hell. Human. The most intelligent and somewhat arrogant being ALLAH SWT has created. Obviously intentionally. Because why would HE give the complete package only to us: a brain to think, a heart to feel, and a mind to decide. Heaven or hell. Where you will end up is affected by what you do and for ALLAH SWT to decide. Yes. I'll write it again: it's totally up to The Almighty. Not you. So don't you even bother to act like you are god. It just makes you like an idiot instead.

Ah what am I saying! This is a complicated random thought that I just have to write down :)) I'm not sure why I'm thinking about these things. I guess... It's because the older I get, the more people I meet and...man!!! Humans are complicated!!! Men. Women. Young and old. You think you know them but then... BOOM!!! Something happens which makes you think "What. The. Fuck???" And just like that you lose the trust, the respect or the love you used to have for that certain person. And also from those who you think were and would always be there for you. Perfect timing too. Just when I was trying to be more "social"...

I guess at the end of the day since The Almighty give me the ability to heal myself it’s just me. The one who can mend my own broken heart. Me, myself and only me.

Lost.

Do you have that so-called “safe place”? You know... That certain place, hideaway, den, sanctuary, shelter, haven,... A place where you feel... Well, safe, obviously. And as a bonus it’s also a place where you always feel welcomed, missed and certainly loved. A place where you can always be yourself, say whatever you want to say, do whatever you want to do. Without ever worrying or even give a shit that somebody out there will judge or scold you? Do you have one? And do you think you need one? Better yet, does anybody need one? 

Anyways... Lately I’ve just realized that a safe place could also be a person. That certain someone who can make you enjoy the moments, together or apart. A person who makes you feel comfortable. A person who lets you be yourself completely. No judging, no pretending. A person who makes you always feel wanted and like I’ve mentioned above: loved. No. I'm not talking about a family member or a BFF aka Best-Friend-Forever. Because a family member or a BFF will always be on your side, no matter what. His or her comments and opinions are not objective. They will always be about you. But a "safe place"... That's a different thing.  

Eventhough he or she knows that you are wrong, you feel fine about it. Both of you feel okay about it. Advices and consolations will be there. But you won't feel any guilt nor shame. Because she'll never say, in Bahasa Indonesia: "Harusnya tuh kamu...." or in english: "You should've...". Nope. None. There's just listen, listen and listen. Then, only then, when you ask for advices, he'll give them to you. With nice and comforting words, calm and encouraging. And most importantly: objective. 

Well... If you do have one, don't let her go. Stay close and keep on sharing. It doesn't mean that you have to talk to each other every single day. This is also the beauty of having a safe place. Eventhough you don't communicate with each other every day, but when you do, it will be intense. It will be more than enough. It will be soothing. And if you do have one, take good care of your relationship. Because when it's broken, you will feel lost. And lonely.

Dream, Dream, Go Away. Never Come Again In Any Other Day.

Have you ever had a dream that is so, so sad, you wake up having actual tears in your eyes? Then you couldn't stop sobbing and panting for quite a while... Not until you finally realized that it was just a dream. A sad one. A very, very sad one.

 

Lately I've been having that kind of a dream. Or should I say a nightmare? I don't know why... Sadly (or luckily?) I couldn't really remember what the dream was. Not always. All I can remember that it always involves me losing someone I love. Once it was about the death of someone who I loved very much and the saddest part is... He is actually already passed away. It was like experiencing the sadness all over again... Another time the nightmare was about me...losing my mom...

 

There is one particular dream that I do remember though. Even to this second. I guess it was THAT scary and sad to me... It was about Kukka. We were in this big and empty building... I held Kukka's hand and we were trying to find out how to get out. The building...or was it an old, creepy house? It looked like a typical old house or abandoned building that you see in horror movies. Anyways... Suddenly, somehow Kukka was gone. When I looked at my side and I looked at my hand, Kukka wasn't there. I wasn't holding her hand anymore. I started to panic. I ran in and out of the rooms inside that big empty building. I screamed and called Kukka's name like million times. Nothing. All I could hear was the echo of my voice, screaming my precious godsend's name. I was out of breath and sweating like crazy... And then I woke up. Crying, sweating, panting, out of breath. For real.

 

The first time I had this kind of nightmare I immediately ran to Kukka's bedroom to check her out. I was so relieved when I saw her still sleeping safe and sound. I hugged Kukka and I started to kiss her until she almost woke up. Then I stopped. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her sweet face. And while doing it I remember that I was still crying... But I guess it was tears of happiness. I was happy that it was just a dream... Well... Happy is not the right word. Because even though it was a dream, it did drain my energy and my emotion. And it's not a very nice thing to feel.

 

Unfortunately that was not the first and the last nightmare I had. As a matter of fact, I just had one this morning. And again, I woke up in tears, still sobbing and panting. Luckily Hubster woke me up and asked me to sit with him on the patio. Just like that I stopped sobbing and woke up like nothing happened. Perfect timing, Schatz :) What was the nightmare about? Luckily I can't remember the detail. But like I said. It was about me losing Kukka. Again.

 

Man, this sucks. Why can't I just dream about something happy? Like... Well I don't know... Traveling around the world? Suddenly speaking 10 languages fluently? Magically being able to make beautiful paintings? Being able to go back and forth to the past to fix the future? Anything! Anything but about me losing my precious godsend. That one dream, I tell 'ya! It really is the one that I wish would never ever come true. 

 

 



What’s Your Story?

There’s a saying that there’s a story behind every person. That there is a reason why a person is the way he or she is. Do you agree? I mean, can’t a person be just the way she has always been? Because she is just born that way?

For example this woman, who... Oh I don’t know... Laughing (too) loud in a crowd... Dressing up too much, too weird, too short, too tight, too bright, too gloomy, too sexy... Or being disturbingly flirty to the men who are already taken or basically to everybody. Why does she constantly seek attention from others? What is her reason to be a cheater? Is it because she doesn’t or never get enough affection from the person who supposed to love her? Like her parents? Her husband? Her children? Her friends? Anybody?

Or a man who keeps sending lame jokes, inappropriate pictures or whatever to chat groups like almost all the time. Out of the blue!!! Is this man trying to prove to others that he’s the funniest, the coolest or whatever? Could it be that it’s because he doesn’t get enough attention? Or is he waiting for recognition from anybody at all? Why? Because he is THAT lonely? He feels THAT unappreciated? So he’s looking for it from the replies of the people in the group, RANDOMLY?

There’s this person I know who is always trying to look tough by talking, behaving and looking “rough”. Why does he have to be like that? Turns out it’s because all his life he has to be the “protector” of his family. Because his father is long gone, he has to be “the man” of the house. He couldn’t afford to look soft. Although deep inside he is a cry baby. That's his story.

Then again... It doesn’t always have to be bad things that are happening. It could also be good ones. Like... There’s this another guy I know. All his life he’s done good things. To his family, to his friends, to anybody that he met for all I know. Why is he being so nice? What is his story? Unfortunately I don’t remember much but I do remember that his early life was tough and his mother is his hero. She taught him to be nice, work hard and do good things. He listened. And now he has a good life. The kind of life that he deserves. 

So... Is there always a story behind somebody’s action? I’m wondering because lately there are lots of incidents that I just can’t understand why they are happening in the first place. How could it happened and why? How could anyone do this? Why did she do it? Is it something that she has done before? What is the reason for her to do this and that? Is it some kind of a punishment? Or even a reward????  

Anyways, how is your story doing so far? In what chapter are you now? The exciting one? The sad one? The boring one? Me? As my friend, you would know that I'm currently in my mind-blowing episode. Pun intended! :)) Well... Whichever chapter you are now, I wish that your story is going great, has more seasons than Game of Thrones and it will have a very happy and blissful ending. Amen. :)

 

Sunday

Yesterday was Saturday. It was a very nice day. I woke up in a good shape and in a good mood. Probably because after I took my morning pills, it was easy for me to go back to sleep again. Hence the good mood and fresh feeling. So fresh I decided to start cooking not long after I woke up. The menu was Homemade Carrot Cheese and Chicken Nuggets! Yes. Homemade. It was fun to make and turned out to be quite delicious. How do I know the nuggets were delicious? Because my precious Godsend ate 12 of them in 1 go. Yes. 12. And the nuggets were quite big. Bigger than the ones you find in the supermarkets. Watching Kukka eating my homemade nuggets amazed me. And happy, of course. The tiredness from doing those cutting, chopping, shaping and everything just paid off. And of course, she finished the veggies too. While keeping her company during lunch, I asked Kukka what she wanted to do or where to go today. With a big grin she answered “PIM!”. Specifically. I asked why PIM. She just answered “Because I want to.” Okay. :))

So yes, we went to PIM. Just the two of us because SiBapa had to go to work. When we arrived in PIM, as predicted, it was... F U L L. I was like “Ugh...!”. I really wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but PIM. On Saturday. But I saw Kukka’s happy face. She was so happy and looked very excited. She held my hands and led me the way. Of course. Toys City. The toy store was so crowded and loud. Along the way I reminded Kukka that she was not allowed to buy anymore toys because she already bought a giant Shark and a bunny from Ikea the day before. She just nodded but still she practically dragged me to a specific section in the toy store. And there they were. Pokemon cards. I was like WHAT??????? I asked “So you want to go to PIM just because of these cards???? You want me to buy you these cards????” Kukka picked one pack of cards and with her super cute face and super sweet voice she begged “Please, Bubu... Can I buy this one? Pleeeeeeeeeease??? All of my friends have Pokemon cards. I’m the only one who don’t have them. So when they talk about the cards, I can’t join them and I don’t understand. Because I don’t have the cards. So pleeeeeeease can I just have this one???? Please please please? It’s just one pack and it’s the small one. Not the big one. The mba said it costs 55.000. Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I will be very happy if you buy me one.”

Now. Tell me how a mother could resist such a sweet and polite request from her super cute angelic-looking daughter? And she had a reason too. A good but quite saddening reason. I didn’t know that peer pressure already comes at this stage, 3rd grade. So yes, I bought her a small pack of Pokemon cards. Kukka was very, very happy. I could see the happiness and excitement on her face more than that day when her Bapa bought her a bicycle :)) Afterwards we went to have dinner. Like always, she picked a Japanese restaurant. The restaurant was so full but we were lucky. There was a table for two. While waiting for our dinner to come, Kukka opened the cards and explained them to me one-by-one. To be honest, I didn’t understand it at all. But I went along and asked her questions about them. Then while we were having our dinner, we had our usual girl talk. I asked Kukka if she and her beloved Bapa have secrets that I don’t know about. She answered yes. I said good. It means that she and I could have our secrets too that Bapa doesn’t have to know about. She said yes and we laughed so loud and gave each other a high-five.

While we were having dinner, I had the chance to look around and see the people at the other tables. One thing I’ve noticed and it made me sad... I’ve noticed that maybe 95% of the guests at this restaurant were holding and concentrating on their cellphones. Most of the guests were families. Some with small kids, some with big ones. Some were probably husbands and wives, some maybe lovers. Almost all of them were so busy with their cellphones instead of talking to each other. Right next to our table there were a teenage girl and her mom. Both were busy with their cellphones. And because our tables were so close, I could practically see that they were chatting. Obviously not with each other. The mother who sat close to me? She was chatting via Whats app. Yes. The seats were THAT close. But not close enough for me to be able to read what she was typing :)) And then suddenly I felt so sad...

So this is what we have become... Instead of spending a nice time together, looking eye-to-eye, having coffee, sharing secrets and slices of cakes, people are having conversations with somebody who isn’t there AND ignoring the one who sits right in front of them. Nowadays lots of people would rather talk with others using chat apps instead with the ones who are actually sitting next to them. Or even worse, many use their cellphones to play games instead of having conversations... I don’t know... Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe deep down inside I AM an old soul, who would rather snuggle under a blanket together in silence than exchanging love messages via cellphones. I’d choose walking hand in hand anywhere over sending selfies from everywhere.

I don’t know... I’m just sad. Really sad and worried. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Well... I think you know exactly what you have. You just think that you'll never ever going to lose it...

Momentum

 noun | mo·men·tum | \mō-ˈmen-təm, mə-\

: the strength or force that allows something to continue or
to grow stronger or faster as time passes

  

Someone who is very close to my heart recently reminded me that NOW is my MOMENTUM and that I need to ride on it. What he meant with now is me in my current state, physical and emotional. At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t even understand much about what the heck momentum is. But after spending a lot of time digesting about what he said to me, I started to get it...

Why did he say that now is my momentum? Well... I think all the drama that has happened and still happening in my life, health and personal life wise, is another way of how life is giving me clues that now is the time for me to keep on moving, to grow stronger. And it seems that health wise, I am getting better. As a matter of fact I do have less seizure attacks. At least now I can see the pattern or the causes of the seizures. It’s almost 95% certain I will have seizures when I’m physically or emotionally exhausted or in pain. As on the personal life wise... Now I also look and feel very much at ease and happier. Objectively speaking. Why? Well... I’m not so sure about this but maybe mostly it’s because I don’t remember my problems??? Does it make any sense at all? Well whatever it is, it's working! #LMAO And it's also because now I can see who my real friends and family are. They are those who still stand by my side, no matter what happens. They are those who are helping me to get through, or better yet, riding along on this exciting "episode" of my life... Not running away or even worse, blaming it.

Anyways... This momentum is supposed to help me to have a new and clear mind. My dear friend said imagine as if my brain/mind is a computer which is currently rebooting or defragging. Which...I guess it’s a good thing? #LOL With a “fresh” mind, I’ve been given a chance to start thinking about things differently, to have a different perspective, to be better from every angle, to be more mature, to act wiser and most importantly: to be stronger, physically and emotionally. And I think... I sure hope... I'm getting there. 

Recently once or twice, my friend said to me that whenever we spend some time together, he doesn’t see anything different in me. He said he still sees me as the Farika he knows for 25 years. Yes. That’s how long our friendship has been. For 25 years our relationship has been on and off. There are cycles in our friendship. Meaning there are moments when we didn’t have any contacts at all. But the second we do have communication with each other, it’s always intense. So I guess it’s pretty safe to trust his judgement about me because he does know me very well. Too well actually. So when my friend says he sees nothing different in me, it means that I'm back in the game, people! Even better! I'm riding on my momentum. But most importantly it also means that my defragmentation is complete!!!  

Now can I get an amen??? #LOL 

40

40 years I’ve been living and...man!!! What a life it has been! From the moment I was born to the second I typed the last word on this blogpost, 40 years later. 40 special years. Yes, friends. It's passed midnight. So I guess I could claim that today is  officially my 40th birthday. Horray. Does it feel special? Well... define “special”. 

Contrary to some people’s belief, if not the birthday celebration itself, I think at least you yourself have to believe that your life IS special. That what has happened to you is special. That YOU ARE special. Yes, other people experience the same or even worse things than you. So what??? It doesn’t mean you're not allowed to think that you are special. So do I think I’m special? Yes. I do. 

But this time I’m not feeling any kind of... Hype. It’s a special day but there’s no excitement. It feels like... Another year has just passed by. It’s kind of sad, actually. Since I think I’ve always feel excited when it comes to celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But not this time. Does it have to do with being 40? 

Talking about special. I think considering that you yourself are special has significant effects. And to me personally it has 2 different meanings and effects. Special in a good way and in a bad way. The bad way is that I feel especially less. Worthless. Unlucky. Miserable. Lost. Unattractive. Clingy. Unworthy. Vengeful. Unwanted. I also feel that 40 years has passed just like that. In fact, in some ways I feel like my life is going back and forth. That it has a certain cycle. And this time I’m currently at the bottom. Or not?

Then again... Being 40, after all the drama I’ve been through and some are still on going, ALLAH SWT. has given me another chance to live. Not everybody is as lucky as me. I do believe that. So I think it’s pretty safe to say that I AM SPECIAL. Which means I’m also currently... at the top? Confused? Tell me about it!!!!!!

And also that at this age I have a healthy and smart 7 year old daughter whom I love to the moon and back. And she loves me too. Very much. That’s what she keeps telling me everyday. While hugging and kissing me. So... I MUST BE SPECIAL to have earned this honor and responsibility to take care of such a beautiful human being from ALLAH SWT. And with all the ups and downs that every human being has and will go through, I'm still here. Surviving. No. Enjoying.  

And the list goes on and on and it turns out there are too many things to mention. Good... No. Great things. But the bottom line is this: 

I am special. 

And I'm thanking you for making me feel this way. 

Yes, you. 

And YOU, of course. 
My Great and Almighty. 

Thank You.

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 

I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 

No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 

Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 

Always. 

Hello, Old Me

Long time no see... 

I guess life finally hits you, eh?

What makes you decide to come back? 

Is it time? Reality? Happiness? Or heartache? 

So now that you realize that being yourself is the best way, what is it that you will do exactly? Do keep in mind that certain things have changed for the best. It means follow your intuition and passion but always remember that your actions will turn into a chain of events. Which certainly will in some ways affect your most precious one. And then one day or even sooner, your Godsend will ask you where, when, who, what and why. And by that time, you better have the answers already. 

While you’re preparing for the correct and truthful answers, do enjoy life. With your loving family, your faithful friends and most importantly, with yourself. Because of all people, you should be the one who knows best that... Well... Life is too precious and too short to spend by being somebody but yourself. Remember that you don’t have to be in a clique to feel good. You don’t have to dress or be someplace that you don’t like. You don’t have to own things just because the others have it. You just have to be you. Because once you fill it with the wrong things and the wrong people, it will not be very easy to detached yourself. To hell with others. Yup. You just said “to hell”. Or in german you’d say “Die andere kann doch scheißen gehen.” Hah! Feels good to say it!

And there’s another thing to look forward to. Unpredictability. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Yesterday you were weeping on your bed because you felt so lonely. Today all of a sudden everybody wants to be with you. Then the day after suddenly you are with him and only him. Talking, snuggling, reminiscing and kissing until the sun sets and rises again. Who would’ve guess, right?!

Hey, Old Me! Do remember that the content of your heart is for you to keep. Yet don’t forget to open it up at the right moment for the right person to fill in the existing void. Because many times that void turns out to be pretty seductive. There’s always a possibility to be lost in it and many times it actually feels good. Those things that broke your heart to pieces? It seems that they just vanished! Which will make you even more vulnerable and dangerous. Why?

Because along with it, your true self will start to fade away. 

Then after a while you will become this person you don't like and most sadly, 

somebody you used to hate. 

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

• to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
• to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
• to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
• to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
• to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
• to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. It used to be special to me. Why? Because I’m that kind of person who love to celebrate stuff and make ceremonial things a big deal. Well... At least I used to... I think. But now? Not anymore. Nothing ceremonial seems/feels special anymore. New Years, Valentine’s Days, anniversaries... Even birthdays!!! I wonder why... Does it have to do with age? Does it have to do with someone? Does it have to do with my illness? Does it have to do with anything? 

I’ve been thinking... So this is how those people feel. Those who always rolled their eyes at me whenever they saw me running here and there, thinking hard and save money like crazy. Just because I wanted buy something extra special for someone special on special occasions. But now it doesn’t feel like that anymore and I can’t stop wondering why. No. This is not a big thing. It’s just weird. It’s just... So... Not... Me. 

I think it’s also sad because it feels like I'm losing something inside me, you know... Something special. It doesn’t mean that I love him/her/something less than before or that I'm losing a particular interest or a certain faith about certain things. Or that I’m less happy to be somewhere or to celebrate something with someone or many. It’s just... Nothing. And the saddest part about this is that Kukka couldn’t see or get the enthusiasm that I used to have about these kind of things. It’s like she’s missing quite a big chunk of the person I used to be. 

Way before Kukka was born, I would imagine that someday I would have a daughter and with her I would do a lot of fun and exciting things. One of those things is...this. Celebrating. I’ve imagined that the two of us would brainstorm like crazy to find the perfect birthday’s, anniversary's or Valentine’s present for our beloved SiBapa. I could totally picture the two of us arguing because each of us would think that our gift idea for SiBapa was better. “I understand him more than you.” or “I love him more than you.” would come up in those brainstorming sessions. Or the two of us would totally agree on something and excitedly prepare everything to be perfect. Just for our beloved SiBapa. Or for each other. But now? 

Ya ya ya! The part of me who likes to make a big deal of things like THIS is still here. That's for sure. Haha. But the other part? Did something happened? Something so bad it made a part of me gone just like that? Where is it? Where did it go? I think I want it back. I want ME back. The whole package. At least for me and for my girl. I miss the thrills. I miss the moments. I miss the chance to write about those special moments in my blog and in my personal diary. I just... I ..................................

Terrible Lie

Terrible lie

My head is filled with disease

My skin is begging you please

I’m on my hands and knees

I want so much to believe

-nine inch nails-

Do you believe that the longer you lie, the more you believe in it? I guess it’s understandable. I mean, if you believe in something so strong and so long enough, even if it is a lie, it would feel like it IS the truth. The power of belief, they say. 

Now. It doesn’t matter if the lie you’ve been keeping doesn’t have to do with anybody else. But what if it does? What if your lies affect somebody else's life? And is there such thing as a good lie? Or as people call it, a white lie? What if, no matter how “white” your lie is, it still makes the person close to you restless, sick or so stressed out, she ruins her life without even realizing it? Or even worse, she realize it. 

Which way would you choose:

1. You tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. you ruin a person’s life but then makes her stronger and leads a better life. b. you ruin a person’s life for good. 
2. You never tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. the other person will lead a happy life knowing nothing, yet you’ll live all your life carrying a burden of lies. b. the other person will lead a happy yet fake life and you have to spend the rest of your life knowing that you are responsible for it. 

Decisions, decisions. I myself had been a pro white liar. Well actually I’ve been a liar. I’m not sure whether I was a good or bad one. But yeah... I used to lie a lot to get myself out of troubles. Especially when I was young. I also used to think that it’s better to keep things a secret than to hurt somebody’s feeling. But now? I’m not sure. Ever since I found out that all my life I’ve been lied to, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this white lie thingy. 

Lies. I guess no matter how small or “white” it is, it's still a terrible thing. That how good the intention might be, you'd still hurting another person's feeling. Or even worse, sooner or later, another person's life. Don’t you think? 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

The One That Got Away

Remember when I told you about me reconnecting with the past? Well it’s happening again. Recently a certain person just confessed to me that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. He didn’t leave anything behind. From the way he was feeling the first time he met me until the day we had to say goodbye. I was stunned. But after that we talked. Total confession from both sides and it felt good. For both of us. 

As days past by another certain person “came back” into my life. I can’t remember how but we keep in touch ever since. We exchange a simple good morning or a nice good night, making fun of the past and setting dates when we will see each other again... And...yeah... Belated confessions and apologies are among the things we talk about. And yes, he too said that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. Geez! These guys have to go out more :)))) 

Anyways.... It feels good. Reconnecting with the past. Saying things that were left unsaid. Especially the “I’m sorry.” part from my side :D But I have to say it does scare me a little bit. Sometimes I’m thinking “Hey?! Why am I doing this? Is this necessary?”. And yes. It also creeps me out because it feels like I’m racing with time. It’s like I don’t want to wait to say I’m sorry until it’s too late. Too late as in... Well... You know. With my condition and all. I don’t have to spell it out here, right? :D So there you go, guys! To whom it may concern, please do accept my sincere apology :) (Man.. I sound like a total bitch here :)) )

As for the late confessions... Well... It did got me thinking... Is there such thing? What does it actually mean? Two persons. Love each other. Think that they belong together. But for some unfriendly cosmic reasons they are...not. So? I mean... If two persons are not together then... They are simply not meant to be... Well... Together. As simple as that. Right? 

Just because you have problems with your (current) spouse, it doesn’t have to mean that your (current) choice is wrong. And...that you should’ve been with someone else. Right? Or am I wrong? I mean... Especially if you DO love your other half. Problems will always be there. Health, love, money and others... It’s how you face them. With the problems. Do you want to deal with it or run away from it. I guess that’s the question. Or is it not? 

But then again... Who knows? What I do know is that from now on I want to enjoy my life more. And if it means that I should be making contacts with my past then...so be it. Maybe it will do me some good. Besides that... Well... I just want to have fun with my family and most importantly with myself. So my brain can have a good time while it lasts. :p 

Okay here we go then! Let me start by singing this Katy Pery’s song outloud! Everybody!!! 1...2...3.... :)))