Why Wait?

It's just another Sunday night... Nothing new really. I put my baby to sleep, played some games, read books, watched the news, Netflixing, wrote some stories, replied messages etc.. Still. I'm having a hard time to sleep. Might as well make the most of it by blogging about stuff. There are so many things going on in my head right now. Statements, questions, random words... And just minutes ago I had this...thing in my head which I have to get it out. An epiphany? Maybe... All I know is that if I don't start writing about it, I'd be up all night. 

You see... Don't you think it's kind of sad that most people tend to say nice things about you but only when you're already gone? Gone as in... Dead. Deceased. Passed away. Even if you don't know that person very well but still. When you die and your friends are asked to make a comment or say a few words about you, I bet it will be good things. Well... Nowadays you don't even have to ask! I bet she would leave touchy goodbyes on your twitter or Path. He would share thoughtful prayers on your Facebook or apologies to your Whatsapp. She'd blogged about her sweet experiences with you, the deceased. He would let everybody know how he truly felt about you but only when you're already gone. It makes me wonder. What's the point? Why not now while you still can hear it? Why not now while you are able to say something back? And same thing goes to you!

Why don't you tell her NOW that you love her? Why don't you tell her NOW that you are sorry? Why don't you tell her NOW that her hair looks pretty? Why don't you call him NOW and tell him that you miss him? Why don't you tell him NOW that his writing is mindblowing? Why don't you tell him NOW that his pictures look cool? Why wait? Or even worse, why don't you say anything until all that's left will be if onlys and regrets? So again...

WHY. NOT. NOW?

Who Do You Think You Are?

"Sekali ini aja kok!" or "Just this once!"

This 'magic' sentence... The one you say in moments when you actually think you are God. You think you can control what will, is, and going to happen. 

An innocent and curious child who thinks that putting his hand inside a cage full of dogs won't hurt him. That no dog will bite him. But who knows??? - A woman lets her friend kiss her for old time sake. Just this once. She will not let anything happen further than a harmless kiss. But who knows??? - A man gets drunk and drives his car afterwards. Nothing ever happens before. So he's sure that he'll arrive safely at home. But who knows???

"Who knows?" 

I'm not saying that you should live in fear, that you should worry all the time and end up doing nothing, or not going anywhere anymore. Just like that boy Oskar Schell in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close movie. It just amazes me really. How some people think of themselves above everybody else. Which makes it even worse, she/he thinks above The One who created her/him. Just because she wears a hijab. Or he has dark spots on his forehead. Or she goes to the church more often than others. And so on and so on. No. That's not a guarantee. A sinful man who gives his last rupiah to the poor could be the one who'll enjoy heaven. While the man who goes to the mosque everyday but treats other people like shit will end up in hell. Human. The most intelligent and somewhat arrogant being ALLAH SWT has created. Obviously intentionally. Because why would HE give the complete package only to us: a brain to think, a heart to feel, and a mind to decide. Heaven or hell. Where you will end up is affected by what you do and for ALLAH SWT to decide. Yes. I'll write it again: it's totally up to The Almighty. Not you. So don't you even bother to act like you are god. It just makes you like an idiot instead.

Ah what am I saying! This is a complicated random thought that I just have to write down :)) I'm not sure why I'm thinking about these things. I guess... It's because the older I get, the more people I meet and...man!!! Humans are complicated!!! Men. Women. Young and old. You think you know them but then... BOOM!!! Something happens which makes you think "What. The. Fuck???" And just like that you lose the trust, the respect or the love you used to have for that certain person. And also from those who you think were and would always be there for you. Perfect timing too. Just when I was trying to be more "social"...

I guess at the end of the day since The Almighty give me the ability to heal myself it’s just me. The one who can mend my own broken heart. Me, myself and only me.

What Did I Do To You?

Did I do something bad? 

Did I hurt your feelings?

Did I break your heart?

Did I do stupid things?

Did I turn a blind eye to your friendly gestures?

Did I reply your sincere hello with a fake smile?

For all the yes or even a slight nod, please let me apologize.

I must have been so stupid or too foolish to realize.

How much pain a word can effect somebody's feeling.

That it can even break someone else's heart. 

Yours to be precise.

There's nothing I can offer other than regrets.

I'm taking my share by feeling the ache. 

I'll begin with saying "I'm sorry."

Let me mend our precious bond back.

Wow

It's been 23 days since my last post. That's too long. I don't know why... But lately I've lost my passion to write and I don't know why. That is not good. Not good at all. First it's because writing is something that I actually REALLY LOVE. Some might even say that I'm good at it. Second it's sort of a therapy for me. Especially for my memory. But now it's more than that. And that is the reason why I'm back "here" and I intend to be back more often. Or at least just like the old days. 

I realize that these couple of days my fingers/hand or my legs and my brain don't synchronize very well with each other. They simply don't work together very well anymore. It started with simple things like for example texting. Lately I've made lots of mistakes while typing messages. In my mind I intend to type A but I type B instead. Imagine how messed up that sort of mistake can be in a message :D Or sometimes I also misunderstand the message I receive because I overlook some words. Or again, instead of reading C I see D.

At home I often walk around because I forget where I want to go. Or I intend to go to the bathroom but I go to the kitchen instead. Then I would stand in the kitchen, walk around the island because I am confused. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to take. This problem is really annoying when I go shopping. Not only I forget what I want to buy and who I am with, I'm also lost between the aisles. I try to take this problem lightly by strolling around, looking at some stuff and just chill. So going to the supermarket has become like some kind of a relaxation for me. But not for the people who are with me. Usually Kukka and our maid Dewi are the ones who become worried or panic when I'm out of their sight. 

Texting long messages or writing like *this* is also difficult for me now. Because sometimes my fingers just won't type the words that I have in my mind. It's like the fingers have their own will. Maybe when you're reading my post here you''ll find repeated words or sentences. If you do, then you understand more what I'm talking about here. That is also the reason why I don't fix the mistakes I might have made in this posting. I want you to know how am I really doing now... And it's also for me. By reading this post, unedited, I can see how am I doing now. 

I haven't tell my doctor about this yet but I will. I already put it on my journal so I won't forget. There are times when I find it funny. But then after awhile when I think about it more... It's actually scary. Don't you think? 

What’s Your Story?

There’s a saying that there’s a story behind every person. That there is a reason why a person is the way he or she is. Do you agree? I mean, can’t a person be just the way she has always been? Because she is just born that way?

For example this woman, who... Oh I don’t know... Laughing (too) loud in a crowd... Dressing up too much, too weird, too short, too tight, too bright, too gloomy, too sexy... Or being disturbingly flirty to the men who are already taken or basically to everybody. Why does she constantly seek attention from others? What is her reason to be a cheater? Is it because she doesn’t or never get enough affection from the person who supposed to love her? Like her parents? Her husband? Her children? Her friends? Anybody?

Or a man who keeps sending lame jokes, inappropriate pictures or whatever to chat groups like almost all the time. Out of the blue!!! Is this man trying to prove to others that he’s the funniest, the coolest or whatever? Could it be that it’s because he doesn’t get enough attention? Or is he waiting for recognition from anybody at all? Why? Because he is THAT lonely? He feels THAT unappreciated? So he’s looking for it from the replies of the people in the group, RANDOMLY?

There’s this person I know who is always trying to look tough by talking, behaving and looking “rough”. Why does he have to be like that? Turns out it’s because all his life he has to be the “protector” of his family. Because his father is long gone, he has to be “the man” of the house. He couldn’t afford to look soft. Although deep inside he is a cry baby. That's his story.

Then again... It doesn’t always have to be bad things that are happening. It could also be good ones. Like... There’s this another guy I know. All his life he’s done good things. To his family, to his friends, to anybody that he met for all I know. Why is he being so nice? What is his story? Unfortunately I don’t remember much but I do remember that his early life was tough and his mother is his hero. She taught him to be nice, work hard and do good things. He listened. And now he has a good life. The kind of life that he deserves. 

So... Is there always a story behind somebody’s action? I’m wondering because lately there are lots of incidents that I just can’t understand why they are happening in the first place. How could it happened and why? How could anyone do this? Why did she do it? Is it something that she has done before? What is the reason for her to do this and that? Is it some kind of a punishment? Or even a reward????  

Anyways, how is your story doing so far? In what chapter are you now? The exciting one? The sad one? The boring one? Me? As my friend, you would know that I'm currently in my mind-blowing episode. Pun intended! :)) Well... Whichever chapter you are now, I wish that your story is going great, has more seasons than Game of Thrones and it will have a very happy and blissful ending. Amen. :)

 

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. It used to be special to me. Why? Because I’m that kind of person who love to celebrate stuff and make ceremonial things a big deal. Well... At least I used to... I think. But now? Not anymore. Nothing ceremonial seems/feels special anymore. New Years, Valentine’s Days, anniversaries... Even birthdays!!! I wonder why... Does it have to do with age? Does it have to do with someone? Does it have to do with my illness? Does it have to do with anything? 

I’ve been thinking... So this is how those people feel. Those who always rolled their eyes at me whenever they saw me running here and there, thinking hard and save money like crazy. Just because I wanted buy something extra special for someone special on special occasions. But now it doesn’t feel like that anymore and I can’t stop wondering why. No. This is not a big thing. It’s just weird. It’s just... So... Not... Me. 

I think it’s also sad because it feels like I'm losing something inside me, you know... Something special. It doesn’t mean that I love him/her/something less than before or that I'm losing a particular interest or a certain faith about certain things. Or that I’m less happy to be somewhere or to celebrate something with someone or many. It’s just... Nothing. And the saddest part about this is that Kukka couldn’t see or get the enthusiasm that I used to have about these kind of things. It’s like she’s missing quite a big chunk of the person I used to be. 

Way before Kukka was born, I would imagine that someday I would have a daughter and with her I would do a lot of fun and exciting things. One of those things is...this. Celebrating. I’ve imagined that the two of us would brainstorm like crazy to find the perfect birthday’s, anniversary's or Valentine’s present for our beloved SiBapa. I could totally picture the two of us arguing because each of us would think that our gift idea for SiBapa was better. “I understand him more than you.” or “I love him more than you.” would come up in those brainstorming sessions. Or the two of us would totally agree on something and excitedly prepare everything to be perfect. Just for our beloved SiBapa. Or for each other. But now? 

Ya ya ya! The part of me who likes to make a big deal of things like THIS is still here. That's for sure. Haha. But the other part? Did something happened? Something so bad it made a part of me gone just like that? Where is it? Where did it go? I think I want it back. I want ME back. The whole package. At least for me and for my girl. I miss the thrills. I miss the moments. I miss the chance to write about those special moments in my blog and in my personal diary. I just... I ..................................

Terrible Lie

Terrible lie

My head is filled with disease

My skin is begging you please

I’m on my hands and knees

I want so much to believe

-nine inch nails-

Do you believe that the longer you lie, the more you believe in it? I guess it’s understandable. I mean, if you believe in something so strong and so long enough, even if it is a lie, it would feel like it IS the truth. The power of belief, they say. 

Now. It doesn’t matter if the lie you’ve been keeping doesn’t have to do with anybody else. But what if it does? What if your lies affect somebody else's life? And is there such thing as a good lie? Or as people call it, a white lie? What if, no matter how “white” your lie is, it still makes the person close to you restless, sick or so stressed out, she ruins her life without even realizing it? Or even worse, she realize it. 

Which way would you choose:

1. You tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. you ruin a person’s life but then makes her stronger and leads a better life. b. you ruin a person’s life for good. 
2. You never tell the truth and 2 possibilities will come out of it: a. the other person will lead a happy life knowing nothing, yet you’ll live all your life carrying a burden of lies. b. the other person will lead a happy yet fake life and you have to spend the rest of your life knowing that you are responsible for it. 

Decisions, decisions. I myself had been a pro white liar. Well actually I’ve been a liar. I’m not sure whether I was a good or bad one. But yeah... I used to lie a lot to get myself out of troubles. Especially when I was young. I also used to think that it’s better to keep things a secret than to hurt somebody’s feeling. But now? I’m not sure. Ever since I found out that all my life I’ve been lied to, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this white lie thingy. 

Lies. I guess no matter how small or “white” it is, it's still a terrible thing. That how good the intention might be, you'd still hurting another person's feeling. Or even worse, sooner or later, another person's life. Don’t you think? 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!?!”

That’s the first thing that popped up in my mind when somebody asks how I could forget something or someone that is really important/significant/fun/terrible/anything for that matter.

Yes. I know. It must be really hard to believe and to understand how a person can forget something that has happened just minutes earlier. Not to mention 1-2 days before. But that’s what’s happening with me right now. NO. I’m not making this up. 

I really DO have memory issues. So don’t come to me, suggesting like I’m making this whole “forget this-don’t remember that” problem a make up story. Or even worse, a LIE. Because... Why would I??? Why would I lie??? Why would I lie about having a serious illness? Why would I lie about forgetting someone or something that is really important? It really upsets me, you know. In Indonesian, it’s way better to ask me “Inget ngga?” (Do you remember...)?. Rather than “Masa sih? Ko bisa???” (Come on!?/Are you for real?/Really?/How is that possible??). Because if you ask me THAT... Well.... 

My answer will be (read the title).

The One That Got Away

Remember when I told you about me reconnecting with the past? Well it’s happening again. Recently a certain person just confessed to me that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. He didn’t leave anything behind. From the way he was feeling the first time he met me until the day we had to say goodbye. I was stunned. But after that we talked. Total confession from both sides and it felt good. For both of us. 

As days past by another certain person “came back” into my life. I can’t remember how but we keep in touch ever since. We exchange a simple good morning or a nice good night, making fun of the past and setting dates when we will see each other again... And...yeah... Belated confessions and apologies are among the things we talk about. And yes, he too said that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. Geez! These guys have to go out more :)))) 

Anyways.... It feels good. Reconnecting with the past. Saying things that were left unsaid. Especially the “I’m sorry.” part from my side :D But I have to say it does scare me a little bit. Sometimes I’m thinking “Hey?! Why am I doing this? Is this necessary?”. And yes. It also creeps me out because it feels like I’m racing with time. It’s like I don’t want to wait to say I’m sorry until it’s too late. Too late as in... Well... You know. With my condition and all. I don’t have to spell it out here, right? :D So there you go, guys! To whom it may concern, please do accept my sincere apology :) (Man.. I sound like a total bitch here :)) )

As for the late confessions... Well... It did got me thinking... Is there such thing? What does it actually mean? Two persons. Love each other. Think that they belong together. But for some unfriendly cosmic reasons they are...not. So? I mean... If two persons are not together then... They are simply not meant to be... Well... Together. As simple as that. Right? 

Just because you have problems with your (current) spouse, it doesn’t have to mean that your (current) choice is wrong. And...that you should’ve been with someone else. Right? Or am I wrong? I mean... Especially if you DO love your other half. Problems will always be there. Health, love, money and others... It’s how you face them. With the problems. Do you want to deal with it or run away from it. I guess that’s the question. Or is it not? 

But then again... Who knows? What I do know is that from now on I want to enjoy my life more. And if it means that I should be making contacts with my past then...so be it. Maybe it will do me some good. Besides that... Well... I just want to have fun with my family and most importantly with myself. So my brain can have a good time while it lasts. :p 

Okay here we go then! Let me start by singing this Katy Pery’s song outloud! Everybody!!! 1...2...3.... :))) 

Was wäre wenn...

...ich jetzt die Freiheit hätte, auf einen Flugzeug zu steigen... 

Welchen Land würde ich aussuchen?

...ich jetzt die Möglichkeit hätte, in einen Ort zu sein... 

Welchen Stadt würde ich auswählen? 

...ich jetzt die Chance hätte, jemanden festzuhalten... 

Wer würde ich gerne in meinem Armen haben? 

................................ Du jetzt vor mir stehst, nur Du und ich... Uns. 

Wo, warum und endlich einmal.... 

Wann?

Baby Girl No More

I just finished putting my baby girl to sleep. Miraculously tonight it took less than 10 minutes to make her snore comfortably. All I did was just telling Kukka a couple of stories and singing some short lullabies. As I stroked her soft hair and watched her slowly close her sleepy eyes, tears began to fill my eyes. 

This girl... This sweet, cheeky and cute little girl is getting bigger and bigger everyday... And I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I stroke Kukka’s hair and covering her body with a warm blanket, I just realized how much my precious Godsend has grown up now... 

I can't believe how tall my Godsend has become... Her legs are not chunky anymore. Now they are long and lean. Kukka’s cheeks are still full but her sharp chin make them look not as chubby as they used to be... 

I started to kiss Kukka's cheeks again and again and again. And then I started to kiss her eyes, her forehead, her hair, her nose, her hands, her...everything! And my tears kept falling and falling. Oh, only God knows how much I love this sweet little girl! And only God knows how I’m so not ready for her to grow up yet... 

How do you do this? How do you prepare yourself and be ready to accept that your baby is.... Well... Not a baby anymore?! That one day she might not come to you for advices, hugs and kisses anymore. That one day she might choose to keep things to herself rather than tell you about what she wants and what she likes. Or about everything for that matter!! How does a mother do it??? When will a mother be ready for all these things to happen to her precious daughter? Or then again... 

Do I want to be ready????? 

Missing Links

Lately I’ve been trying to collect the parts that have been missing from my memory chain. Based on my blog posts, the months of April and early May are missing. And no, I’m not making this up. I really don’t remember what went on during those period of time. That’s why I’m writing this. I’m hoping that you can help me because I really want to know. Why? Just for the sake of fulfilling my satisfaction. And...because to me not knowing about things...sucks. And hey, maybe it will do some good for my health :)

Let’s start with the first time I got sick. Hubster took me to the hospital and I had to stay there for several days. All I know is that I was admitted to the RS Premier Bintaro because I was suspected of catching the dengue. Which of course as we all know by now, it turned out to be a false diagnosis. Then I got out and at some point was admitted again but in a different hospital, which was Siloam Hospital. April is gone, no blog posts at all. In May there’s one posting only and that was on the 31st. Aaaaaand on that date I already wrote about what happened to me, which means that the major drama happened in.... Mid March - April until early May? 

NOW....!!! What happened exactly? I would love to know the sequence but it seems that all of *this* is quite traumatic for those who are close to me. It’s not very easy to get straight answers from them but I do want to know. So.... Do YOU know what happened to me? When did you found out? How did you hear the news about me being ill? Were you there in the hospital? Did you visit me? Was I awake or unconscious? What did you have in mind when you saw me lying on the hospital bed? Have you ever thought that I was not gonna make it? Did you hold my hand? Did I hold yours back?

Can you fulfill my curiosity? :) 

Mood Changer

What could change your mood for the better? Like...in a second. New shoes? A plate of a juicy steak? A simple “Hi” message from a long lost love? A shot of tequila? Hours of playing piano? A nice song with meaningful lyric? A passionate kiss from your loved one? Or a super silly meaningless convo with your besties? 

What?

Mood. A short and simple word. But oh how powerful it can be to affect how you spend a day in your life! Some people even proudly declare themselves as a moody person. I don’t know what’s so great about it but okay... Whatever. 

Me? Well... I consider myself as a moody person and I'm certainly not proud about it. I think a lot of people would agree :D Especially those who are close to me and know me very well. There are times that I can’t hide my mood. If I’m pissed about something...or someone, you could see it immediately on my face. And if I’m happy? Well... You could also notice it easily. Some say I smile more when I am in a good mood. Hmmm... Does it mean I frown most of the time? I wonder :))) And a lot of people also say that they can “see” it in my writings. That makes sense... Since I write a lot about how I feel... 

But... I think my mood doesn’t change that easy. I think. If I am in a bad mood, not even a kiss could change it. I could just do it for the sake of doing it. But it won’t change how I feel. Is that a bad thing? How about a pair of new shoes? Nah. I’m not exactly the kind of girl who’s into fashion. So... I don’t think new shoes, bag or even clothes can change my mood. So retail therapy is out of the list. 

Movies? I love to watch. Anything. Movies, news, talk shows, sitcoms or even cartoons. But mmmm.... Nope. I can spend a whole day having a movie marathon yet still feel shitty. Hmmm... What then?

Ah yes! Of course. Friends! But only the right ones! Not the kind who makes stupid jokes and annoying remarks. They have to be the kind of friends who could make me laugh until my tears come out and my tummy feels like it’s going to explode. They also have to be the kind of friends who I could have meaningful and useful conversations with. The kind who could fill my brain with interesting knowledges yet makes it feel at ease at the same time. Especially now. With me and my brain being....not well...and all.... What else?

................................... Being alone. Yup. I love being alone. At home or in the middle of a crowd. As long as I can enjoy some time all by myself. With a good cup of coffee, a delicious slice of cake or a bar of chocolate, a nice book, my diary and my Mac. That’s it. Those are my mood changers. Sadly it’s kind of hard to be alone these days. Since I CAN’T be left completely alone. So I guess that’s why I’m kinda (more) moody lately. The only time I can be completely alone is inside my walk-in-closet, where my vanity table is. Inside my walk-in-closet I can be alone with my Mac and my diary. Oh and my iPhone! Just in case my mood changes and I want to chat with someone, you know ;) But I guess that’s it. Oh how I miss spending some time all by myself!! Outside my walk-in-closet, obviously! #bigsigh

So....... I guess.... That's it. That’s how I change my mood. How do you change yours??? 

How To Break A Kid

I think the cruelest kind of people are the one who hurt children. They deserve the most terrible punishment the world has to offer. They are the most obvious cowards and they must be mentally disturbed. It’s easy to judge a person who hurt children and then leave the aftermath scars visible to the eyes. But how about people (read: parent) like me? 

A parent could never hurt her child, right? Keeping her child safe is what a mother does. Sure we can’t create a perfect world for our children and there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. But I keep telling myself “TRY. HARD.” It shouldn’t be...too hard... Should it? 

It made me thinking... About that time I yelled at my daughter just because she felt unlocking the door was hard. I accused her for not willing to try harder. And then there was a time when she saw me having a heated argument with somebody. She heard my loud and angry voice and it made her afraid. I also thought about that time when she saw me crying. I let her see the vulnerable side of me and therefore I made her really, really sad. She cried beside me. 

Because I have hurt her... 

And then there are overprotective parents, home wreckers who break up families, parents who always say yes, parents who always say no, cheaters who consciously damage their families and their children's souls, parents who give their kids everything they want, pregnant mothers who hate their unborn babies, grandmothers who say A is prettier than B, grandfathers who favor one grandchild to another, parents who push their kids and don’t accept if they’ve reached their limits. 

It’s tough being a kid. And it’s very easy to break one. 

Dear Kukka: Please Remind Me

The last couple of days I’ve been contemplating about what kind of a mother I want to be for you, my dear child. The best answer I could come up with so far is... Well... The best kind, naturally. But how? 

By being your best friend? By being your “boss”? By giving you the ultimate freedom to choose? By putting restrictions wherever danger could possibly occur? By telling you about absolutely everything? Or by protecting you with lies? 

I am very aware that every angle has its consequences. I realize there will always be someone, something, somewhere, somehow that can hurt you. After all, I can’t protect you from...life. But I’m willing to try as hard as I can. And these are the things I can do and have come up so far:

I will never underestimate your feelings nor your intelligence in figuring out things about your personal life and ours.

I will never force you to do the things that I myself can't or won't do. 

I will be truthful to you and will never answer your questions with lies. 

White lies, black lies. No. No lies. 

I will warn you about the evil people and reveal the persons whom you can trust. 

I will respect you, as my only child and as an independent person. 

I will let you decide how you want to live your life. 

I will always show and remind you the right path to choose, Allah’s path. 

I will always try to put myself in your shoes, at that time and in the future. 

I will always make sure you realize, remember and apologize for all the mistakes you make. Big and small. To yourself and others. 

I will always praise you for all the right things you will say and do. 

I will accept and apologize when you tell me that I skip a thing or two which are stated in this list. Intentionally or accidentally.

I promise that we can always talk to each other, 

with minimum judgement and maximum understanding. 

About everything.

Most importantly I will always tell you how much I love you. 

And how much Allah SWT. loves you even more. 

Always. 

Aaaargh!!!

Ngga abis pikir deh! Kenapa yaaaaaa pembantu itu selalu "BISA" merusak benda-benda yang paling sederhana sekalipun!?!?!?! Dari tadi mencoba memeras otak yang lagi kelaperan ini... Penasaran pengen tau aktifitas sesederhana membuka pager bayi (safety gate) ko bisa sampe bikin copot & dinding sampe jebol yaaa?!?!?!??!?!? Diapain sih bukanya??? Sekuat apa sih ngebukanya??? Ini udah kejadian yang kedua kali lho dia ngejebol safety gate-nya Kukka. And now we're running out of space untuk ngebor yang baru.

Ya Allah.... Sumpah deh... Cobaan code name #PEMBANTU ini mantep benerrrr... :)


PS: Ehm... Ya Allah, kalo marah-marah di blog ngga ngurangin pahala puasa kaaan???? :D

Kukka atau Aiko?

Sementara Ica pengen Si Baiyi dipanggil Kukka, karena itu pilihannya, aku pengen Si Baiyi dipanggil Aiko, karena itu pilihanku :D

Rasionalnya sih dulu waktu nyari nama, pengen punya anak yang namanya ngga berakhiran "A". Bosen :p Tapiii sampe beberapa hari setelah Si Baiyi lahir, nama panggilan ini masih jadi perdebatan. Sampe tiap ada yang nanya, nama panggilannya siapa, Ica & aku ngga bisa ngasih jawaban yang pasti huehuehue...

Tiap orang juga punya preference-nya sendiri. Yang paling asik, jawabannya Sheila "Selama masih kecil Kukka aja. Nanti kalo udah gedean (ABG?), ganti jadi Aiko" Hahahah!

Ica juga akhirnya ngasih rasional begini: "Aku aja gonta-ganti nama berkali-kali. So, sekarang kita panggil Kukka aja. Ntar kalo udah gede, baru Aiko."

So, we let her choose, eh? Oke lah! Toh dua-duanya punya arti yang bagus & kedengeran lucu, don't you think?:)

But, I'm just being curious here. What do you think? Kukka? Atau Aiko?

Bad Days

Ever feel the need to spill your heart out to someone, but that particular someone is hardly there to listen & talk back to you? And even if the person is there with you, the moment never seems right. Or...you’re just too afraid to ruin that small bit of happy moment that you’re finally having & that your words &/ tears would drive that person away...again. Meanwhile, you have all the people in the world, who are willing to listen to you. But sadly, they are not who you need...at this particular moment.

So you end up feeling all sad & depressed when you’re not supposed to be. Feeling alone & lonely when you actually aren’t. Feeling angry & annoyed when you shouldn’t be.

Then what do you do?

Siapa ya...

...yang waktu itu ngomong sama aku kira-kira gini:

"Wah, masih bisa jalan-jalan malem?
Enjoy it while you still can!
Nanti kalo udah hamil tua, ngga bakalan kuat deh!
Yang ada keburu cape. Pengennya tiduran melulu!"

Well... This is how my day went:

10.00 Bangun tidur
14.00 Mandi, lanjut leyeh-leyeh
15.00 Ke Mom's & I dengan semangat shopping tinggi
17.00 Mulai ngos-ngosan di Dharmawangsa Square
18.30 Nyaris tepar di Index Arteri Pondok Indah
19.00 NYERAH!!!
20.29 Sampe sekarang masih tiduran di kamar :D

So... what were "you" saying?
Just want to say, it's sooo true...true...true...