The New Normal

Normal. 

What does it mean exactly? I guess everybody has his/her own opinion about what is normal. It's a subjective matter after all. Especially since this horrible pandemic began. According to Wikipedia: A new normal is a state to which an economy, society, etc. settles following a crisis, when this differs from the situation that prevailed prior to the start of the crisis. The term has been used following the financial crisis of 2007-2008, the aftermath of the 2008–2012 global recession, and the COVID-19 pandemic.

Yeah... It's the Corona virus guys... Real. Hoax. Self-quarantine. Mingling in a crowd. Mask. No mask. I heard that there's even some big conspiracy theories about the COVID-19. Whatever I don't know... #bigsigh What I do know for sure is that I don't want to gamble with life. Especially the lives of my loved ones. My families and my Precious Godsend in particular.

Avoiding crowds might be a little bit tricky for some. Especially for those who eventually have to start working outside their homes. But it sure is stressing me out, this -fromhome thing. I miss doing unimportant things outside the house. I miss my friends. I miss picking Kukka up from school. I miss our pizza time before her Skaci class. I miss going to the movies. I miss my pilates session. I miss just sitting around and enjoying a cup of coffee in a small coffeeshop. I miss my me-time outside the house. I miss having lunch with my BFF. I miss a lot of things! Unfortunately as a person who suffer from an autoimmune disease, which makes me even more vulnerable to catch COVID-19, I have to be extra patient and super extra careful. The risk is too high. Not only for me but also for everybody around me. Then again, stress is very bad for my health :)) 

So for my well-being I still go out even if it's as simple as driving around Bintaro. Or just relaxing on the patio, enjoying the weather with my girl, SiMoochi and SiBapa. I let all doors in our house wide open to get some fresh air. SiBapa's team also still come to our house and work and do whatever it is that they do up there :)) In some weird ways I do enjoy having SiBapa's team working here :) What I'm trying to say is that we are not being paranoid to be with other people. Once or twice we also go out to meet our parents. Making other people happy can also make you and others healthy you know :)

So yeah... Again. If it's as easy as wearing a mask which can save lives and at the same time can let you live a new normal life, then what's the hold up? Uncomfortable? Yes. Ruining the look? Probably. But so what?!? There's too many "what ifs" involved. Too many questions, doubts and uncertainties. Too much is at stake if you're not wearing a mask. 

What if that one time I didn't wear my mask it caused a family member sick and pass away? What if that one time I forgot to wash my hands it made some stuff I've touched "infected" by this god forsaken virus? What if that one time I chose to ignore all the necessary precautions it made this virus transmission easier? What if that one time YOU chose to be ignorant?

At the end I guess it's all about choice. If you choose to be reasonable, you follow the extra precautions. Wear a mask and have a new normal life. They might spare you and your loved ones a couple more years to live life as healthy beings. If you choose to be as dumb and ignorant as Donald Trump, who said "It is what it is.", better think it through how your stupidity at the end of the day could effect not only you, but also your loved ones. Salute ;)

*I'm wearing this super cool mask by Wickana Laksmi Dewi. Visit Masker Untuk Indonesia and get one ;) 

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 

I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 

No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 

Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 

Always. 

If You Care, I Dare

Read on about what I'm feeling about my disease... It just occurred to me that it really annoys me when I just had a seizure and people start to say things like “Take good care of yourself!”, “If you’re not taking care of yourself, who will look out for your daughter?” or something like “Think about the wellbeing of your daughter! Therefore you have to be strong, you have to be healthy!”, or “You are making your daughter sad, you know! A child shouldn’t feel or act the way your daughter does. It should’ve been the other way around.” 

And so on and so on and so on. 

Well, guess what?!?!? First of all I NEVER WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE SAD BECAUSE OF ME!!!! I also never have any intentions to be sick around my daughter so that she would constantly be worried about me. How do you think I’m feeling when I see and hear my 7 years-old daughter crying because of me??? Does it ever occurred to you that my heart is breaking into pieces, seeing her burst into tears so sad while I’m holding her in my arms?? Not to mention also hearing she says things like:

“Bubu, you broke my heart when you have a seizure.”

“Can you hear my heart breaking?? It’s because I’m so sad you had a seizure...”

“Bubu, please don’t get too tired. You might get a seizure...”

"I wish I could get really small so I can get inside your body and fight the thing that makes you sick."

“Bubu, don’t have a lot of things in your mind or you might get a seizure.”

My precious Godsend has been encouraging me and saying things that a 7yo is not supposed to be saying to a grown up. Most of all to her mother. A mother should’ve said all those things to her child. Not the other way around. But again, it’s not and never has been my intention. And it really bothers me to hear people saying as if:

I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S FEELINGS

I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S WELLBEING

I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY DAUGHTER’S HAPPINESS

And most of all:

I DON’T CARE ABOUT MY HEALTH

Well, guess what?!?! Saying things like “Don’t get too tired!” or “Go to bed early!” is really, really easy. But if you have what I’m suffering, it’s F U C K I N G  HARD!!! Do you think I want to be tired??? Do you think I don’t want to go to sleep early??? Only God knows how I miss enjoying a good night sleep!! Without any pain in the head, eyes-popping-out feeling and the body feels like it has been beaten up by a bunch of guys, or any kind of interruptions for that matter. But there are 3 options:

1. I fall asleep but I wake up every 1-2 hours and having a hard time to fall asleep again
2. I can’t sleep at all because of all the pain I’m feeling and suffering, physically and mentally
3. I finally am able to fall asleep for hours but only after getting seizures. Because my body is already super exhausted.

The list still goes on but these 3 are the things that popped up in my mind most of the time, if not always. I’m trying to take care of myself, physically and mentally, by doing whatever it takes, you know... Well, as long as it’s legal of course! Because, no! I don’t want to be sick. And once again, NO!!! It is not easy to deal with it nor it is easy to do all the things you’ve been suggesting me to do. There. I said it. Now all of you know how I feel when I hear you say those supposedly encouraging things. You don’t believe me? Well, let’s trade places then! We’ll see how YOU deal with the things I’m dealing now. 

Thank you very much. 

How To Break A Kid

I think the cruelest kind of people are the one who hurt children. They deserve the most terrible punishment the world has to offer. They are the most obvious cowards and they must be mentally disturbed. It’s easy to judge a person who hurt children and then leave the aftermath scars visible to the eyes. But how about people (read: parent) like me? 

A parent could never hurt her child, right? Keeping her child safe is what a mother does. Sure we can’t create a perfect world for our children and there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. But I keep telling myself “TRY. HARD.” It shouldn’t be...too hard... Should it? 

It made me thinking... About that time I yelled at my daughter just because she felt unlocking the door was hard. I accused her for not willing to try harder. And then there was a time when she saw me having a heated argument with somebody. She heard my loud and angry voice and it made her afraid. I also thought about that time when she saw me crying. I let her see the vulnerable side of me and therefore I made her really, really sad. She cried beside me. 

Because I have hurt her... 

And then there are overprotective parents, home wreckers who break up families, parents who always say yes, parents who always say no, cheaters who consciously damage their families and their children's souls, parents who give their kids everything they want, pregnant mothers who hate their unborn babies, grandmothers who say A is prettier than B, grandfathers who favor one grandchild to another, parents who push their kids and don’t accept if they’ve reached their limits. 

It’s tough being a kid. And it’s very easy to break one. 

Doomsday

It was a nice evening. Something or someone called me to go outside. Out from the house, whose I wasn’t very sure. There was a big meadow in front of it. But I could still see the neighbors’ houses. The neighbors started to come out from their houses too and we all gathered in the big meadow. Everybody was looking up to the sky.

The sky. 

It was the most beautiful night sky I’ve ever seen. It was pitch black yet clear and full of sparkling stars. I never saw that many stars before in my life. We were admiring the stars when we finally realized the gigantic, beaming, pale ball on the right side of the sky. It was so enormous as if you could’ve touched it. It took us seconds to finally realize that the pale ball was actually the moon. 

The moon. 

It was so close to the earth I could see the smallest holes on its ground. I was mesmerized. We were all are. It was incredible. Its beaming light drawn us to get closer and closer. The neighbors and I started to walk towards the moon. Some, I remembered, were even reaching out their hands. Trying to touch it excitedly. I was right there behind them, also wanted to get myself nearer to the moon. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. But then I realized. The moon was really THAT close to us. So close that we could ACTUALLY touch it. I was immediately alarmed yet not fast enough to react. The next thing I could remember was the bump. 

The bump. 

It was the strongest bump I’ve ever encountered. Seconds later my neighbors were starting to scream. The most terrifying scream I’ve ever heard. They were like a crazy hoard of mad cows. Running here and there, trying to save their lives. Me? 

I just stood there. Staring at the moon as it continued to crash into earth. I fell. I stumbled. And as I was tossed to the air I finally got it. This was it. It was the end of the world. We were all going to die. Vanished. Forever. And as I finally grasped the concept of the end of days, all I could think of was the fact that my daughter was experiencing the same terrifying things on that very moment too. And she was alone. I wasn’t by her side when Doomsday arrived. 

Then I remembered I began to cry. I was devastated that I couldn’t keep my promise to her. That I would never, ever leave her alone in fear. Yet now, when the world began to crumble, she was all alone. And so was my husband. 

I cried and I cried and I cried. And I believed before the end of days came to an end, I was already dead by then. I died because of a broken heart. So shattered because I broke my promise to my baby and that I couldn't be with the loves of my life until the very end. 

... 

Tears. Racing heartbeats. I opened my eyes and there they were. Still sleeping peacefully on the left and right side of me. My husband and my daughter. Very much alive. As so was I. And then came the morning sun rays through the windows.

Alhamdulillah... One more day to be with them and to shower them with my love.

A Heartbreaking Event

Diawali dengan demam 38C Senin (5/7) sore, suhu badan Kukka naik turun terus. Obat penurun panas ngga bantu banyak. Malah di saat Kukka tidur, suhu badannya sampai 40.4C. Pantes aja dia rewel & ngga bisa tidur. Biasanya kalo ngga enak badan atau sakit, Kukka keliatan biasa aja. Ngga rewel, banyak makan, banyak minum, banyak gerak. But not this time... Hari ketiga aku bawa ke lab. Ternyata Kukka kena typhoid/tifes :( Aku yakin 100% Kukka kena tifes bukan dari makanan. Kita curiga dari air kran. Kalo mandi, Kukka suka sengaja mangap supaya ada air yang masuk mulutnya. Sementara air di Kota Wisata itu jelek sekali :(

Akhirnya karena takut dia dehidrasi & kemungkinan DBD, Kukka dirawat di RSIA Permata Cibubur. Masya Allah, sedih banget rasanya liat Kukka di UGD. Meskipun lemes, tenaganya tetep luar biasa pas berontak karena ngga mau dipasang infus. Butuh 3 orang, termasuk aku untuk megangin Kukka. Sambil nangis aku peluk kepalanya & I told her that everything was gonna be okay. Then again, my baby is a brave girl. Belom 5 menit infus kepasang, dia udah “terbiasa”. Malah ngomentarin bantalan penyangganya yang “Purple!” & meski sambil beruraian air mata, Kukka minta “Cake!” Akhirnya sambil nunggu dianter ke kamar, ngemil lah dia :))

Hari pertama di RS, Kukka dijenguk sama cousin kesayangannya, Alyna. Nini, Aki, Ua Fifi & Kaka Nami were there too. Malemnya Enin, Papah, Uncle Harry & Ferry juga dateng. Besoknya temen-temen Kukka dari Kota Wisata juga dateng ngejenguk. Lucu banget! Mereka sampe bela-belain naek taksi berempat + 1 mba. Malah katanya karena ngga sabar nunggu taksinya dateng, mereka nekad pengen jalan kaki ke RS, yang btw jauh banget dari KotWis kalo jalan kaki sih :)) FYI aja nih, temen-temen Kukka ini dari kelas 1 - 5 SD. They love Kukka that much, I suppose.

Alhamdulillah di RS Kukka bisa tidur nyenyak. Panasnya juga turun & stabil. The downside about having to stay at the hospital was Kukka stresssss! Hari pertama sih masih tergolong “normal”. Karena tau ngga mungkin minta sama ibunya, Kukka begging ke mbanya yang biasanya emang selalu ngeiyain permintaan Kukka. Dia minta dibukain infus ya jelas aja mbanya ngga ngasih juga :p Then she picked up the hospital phone & said “Hawow? Bapa! Buka! Bapa buka! Plis...” :D :D :D

Hari kedua level kesabaran Kukka menurun tajam :D Sambil teriak & menggeram, dia tarik selang infusnya & gigitin bantalannya. Duduk dilantai, tendang-tendang tiang infusan, lempar semua barang yang bisa dilempar, digendong ngga mau, didudukin ngga mau. Lama-lama ibunya ikutan stresssss! :D There wasn’t much that I could do except watching her moves so she’d stay safe. Lama-lama ya kecapean sendiri & tidur.

Alhamdulillah 3x diambil darah, hasilnya bikin lega. No sign of DBD. Altho Kukka did develop some kind of rash. Dokter Suraiyah bilang dipantau aja dulu. Bisa jadi kena Rubeola (beda nih sama Rubella). Ngga taunya bener. Selaen tifes grade 4, Kukka juga kena campak!!! Makin lama, ruamnya makin banyak. Muka & seluruh badannya merah-merah. Ya Allah... Pantes aja Si Bebicus ngga berdaya gitu... Knowing that Kukka didn’t HAVE TO stay at the hospital, kita langsung minta pulang. Ica & aku yakin di rumah Kukka bakal lebih happy & insya Allah jadi lebih cepet sembuh :)

And now I’m very happy to share the good news that Kukka is back to her oldself :D I don’t know for sure whether she’s already completely 100% healthy again or not. But her skin is now clear from rash, no fever, drinks lots & lots of water & can’t be stopped from bouncing on the bed. Satu-satunya yang keliatan “agak mengkhawatirkan” adalah napsu makannya yang besaaaar sekali. Kukka eats a lot, yes. But now, it’s like...too much :D

Right now I’m probably the happiest person on earth :) To see my baby girl is healthy & happy really is priceless. Yet I will never forget the feeling when I had to take Kukka to the hospital. I felt like I failed big time. I felt like a bad mother who couldn’t keep her child healthy & stayed away from hospitals...

*Kukka's photodiary in the hospital can be seen here"

FENOMENA ABABIL

Akhir-akhir ini sering inget waktu masih ABG dulu, which was a very, very, very long time ago :D Hidup kayanya seneng-seneng terus. Kalopun ditimpa masalah, paling parah “cuma” gara-gara patah hati. Emang sih dunia serasa ambruk & ngga ada harapan hidup lagi. Tapi begitu udah punya pacar baru, life went on as fast as lightning on a stormy night :p

So yes, I still think ABG’s life was simpler back then. Why? Well, we didn’t spend our time FBing, BBMing, YMing or tweeting, which means more real, human-life socializing. We didn't need the latest BlackBerry or iPhone. We didn’t have the need to update our status every single minute. We didn’t have to show our existence by posting cool “lomo”-ish pictures in FB. Sementara ABG yang aku liat sekarang?

Well, okay. Yang rajin update status, posting pictures ato tweeting bukan ABG doang :p Tapi sampe hari ini, aku belom ketemu tuh yang “seumuran” minta di-like statusnya :)) Paling minta di-follow :p So, if you pay attention to ABG’s language in FB or Twitter, term-term kaya gini pasti ngga asing lagi:

“Gue baru update status! Like-in dong!”
“Like-in foto gue dong!”
“Sepi banget! Mention dong!!”
“Yang masih bangun jam segini, RT!”

Hihihihihi! Seriously! These terms crack me up all the time!!! Apparently, semua itu berhubungan dengan eksistensi, which is very, very important buat ABABIL. Ya ngga? :)

And when they do have “serious” problems, social networking sites could make things nastier. Saling menjelekkan & perang status lah... Caci-maki di Twitter lah... Makin mengerikan karena bahasa yang mereka pake juga ngga tanggung-tanggung. Mereka berani & bebas banget berekspresi. Eventho they know that their parents are in their friends’ list :D

Mikirin ABG jaman sekarang mau ngga mau jadi mikirin ABG jaman nanti. Jaman Kukka kalo ABG nanti tepatnya. One word. SEREEEEEEEEEEEEM!!!! :D Model cewe ABG kaya apa dia nanti, what her friends will be like, what sort of things she will into. Tiap liat anak perempuan yang menuju dewasa sekarang jadi selalu bertanya-tanya: Kukka bakal hang out di tempat kaya gini juga ngga ya? Kukka bakal pake baju model itu juga ngga ya? And on and on and on. *sigh* Well.... I guess I just have to wait & see & pray, that whatever type of ABG Kukka will become, she will be a kind-hearted, shalihah little woman :)

And besides, Kukka’s mother is already sign up in almost every kind of social networking sites & she’s a god damn good stalker hihihihihi :p

A Wise Man Said...

A dear friend is in grief. Kaka tersayangnya harus cerai dari suaminya karena si suami selingkuh. Temenku & keluarganya bener-bener terpukul & sedih banget. Mereka bener-bener ngga nyangka bahwa keluarga mereka sampe harus ada yang pisah kaya gitu. Tapi dengan bijak, suami temenku menimpali. And I quote:

“Nah itu salahnya.. Perpisahan itu sesuatu yang mutlak akan terjadi. Penyebabnya cuma 2, meninggal dan cerai. Harusnya kita bisa mikir bahwa sesuatu bisa terjadi, termasuk perceraian. Kalo kita mikir gitu, insya Allah kita akan selalu berusaha menghindari kesalahan sekecil apapun. Sehingga kesalahan yang ada ngga numpuk dan akhirnya muntah sehingga terjadi perceraian.”

Denger kalimat ini, terus terang aku ternganga :D Terpesona abisss... Apalagi mengingat setelan suami temenku ini hihihi... Personally, I think it was very well said. Nobody said marriage is easy & obviously, nobody can predict what would or could happen in the future. All we could do is being the best spouse one should deserve. Treat the other half the way you want to be treated. Setelah itu, akan selalu ada 2 ending. Happily ever after or fucked up in the middle of the journey.

Temenku bilang, susah ya jadi suami-istri jaman sekarang. Banyak banget godaan & cobaannya. Batasan antar temen lain jenis semakin samar. Sun-sunan & panggilan Sayang-Cantik-Ganteng-Sexy-Babe begitu murah diobral. Bikin ngeles jadi gampang, kalo ke-gep sama pasangan lagi imel-imelan ato chatting pake embel-embel “Cantik” ato “Baby”. “Ah, itu kan cuma becandaan antar temen aja. Sama yang lain juga aku gitu!”, kata si tukang selingkuh. Pasangannya cuma bisa sedih sendiri. Emang bener juga sih... Tapi itu juga artinya setiap kali panggilan sayang itu ditujukan buat dia, jadi ngga spesial sama sekali... Belom lagi soal pelukan. Asik-asik aja gitu meluk suami/istri orang. Alasannya kalo ngga lagi mabok, ya biar dibilang gaul & akrab. Ngga kepikir sama sekali gimana perasaan pasangan masing-masing di luar sana. Yang dipeluk sama aja. Ngelesnya ngga enak nanti kalo nolak ato emang doyan. Padahal kalo kita tegas karena benar, aku rasa ngga masalah. Kalo marah, ya emang dianya aja yang edan :p Dan kaya masalah masih kurang banyak, ada lagi satu yang selalu menghantui: masalah M A N T A N.

Aku bilang... Lillahi ta'ala aja... Kalo ngga, bisa sakit jiwa :)

Neverending Problem: MANTAN

Sedikit disingkat ceritanya, temenku. Si Wati, ngebikinin account Facebook untuk suaminya, Si Budi. For some reason, Wati nge-set supaya semua notification yang masuk untuk suaminya masuk ke e-mail di Blackberry-nya dia. So, she knows everything from photo comments to messages in her hubby’s FB inbox. Nothing harmful. Her hubby seemed to enjoy facebooking.

Until one day Wati received a message. Well, actually her husband’s received it. My friend just had the chance to read it before he does :D Message itu dari mantannya Budi waktu SMA. Wati pernah ketemu & dikenalin. Tapi ya sebatas itu aja. Trus ngga pernah ada kelanjutannya karena Budi juga ngga pernah ketemu lagi. Tau darimana? Dari isi message si mantan, of course :) “Hi Budi! Kemana aja? Apa kabar?”

Dibaleslah sama Si Budi, yang ngga tau bahwa di ujung sana Wati lagi deg-degan :D One message lead to another. Si Mantan, kita sebut aja namanya Susi :D, makin rajin nge-message. Kata Wati sih yang diobrolin gitu-gitu aja. Dan yang bikin Wati sedikit lega juga tanggapan Budi yang biasa aja. FYI Susi ini menyebut dirinya dengan “aku” & nge-refer suaminya Wati dengan “Budi”. “Budi nanti ikut reuni ngga? Aku mau dateng juga”, contohnya. Nah, Wati lega bahwa suaminya ngga ikut-ikutan ber-aku-aku, yang I admit it is disturbing when your other half is one of those people. Oh and yes, Budi ikutan reuni. Dan apparently so was this chick. Wati tau karena abis reuni, Susi nge-message lagi. “Budi kemaren pulang jam berapa? Aku pulang duluan.” Sama Budi ngga dibales. Sibuk kali ya :)

Nah tapiiii...ada beberapa message-nya Susi yang langsung di-delete Wati SEBELUM dibaca sama Budi. Why? Karena menurut Wati, isinya “berbahaya” & bisa menjurus ke hal-hal yang ngga diinginkan. Kaya minta nomor teleponnya Budi, salah satunya. Untuk mengenal “lawannya”, mulailah Wati ngelacak Susi lewat FB :D “Kayanya dia bermasalah deh sama keluarganya. Ngga ada foto anak, suami. Isinya foto dugem semua sama dia pake baju-baju sexy.”, laporan Wati pagi tadi. And then she asked me if she’s being irrational & paranoid.

Hmm... Sesaat aku ngerasa bukan orang yang tepat untuk dimintain pendapat masalah mantan or jealousy. Scara di sini juga jealous-an, parnoan & bermasalah dengan hubungan suami & para mantannya :))) Takutnya ngasih komen yang subyektif & provokatif hihihih...! But I told her this:

It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling right now. It’s totally normal. You should be cautious coz we never know what’s going to happen. And many times, it’s the other woman who’s causing this commotion. While your beloved is being the best spouse you could ever wish for. But becoz of this chick, you could end up having an unnecessary fight with your beloved. Next thing you know, the thing you feared most is happening. You do have the ability to do your best to prevent the things you don’t want to happen. But deleting his messages is certainly not one of them :) If Budi happens to find out what you did, don’t you think he would be furious? Right now you have this “luxury” to know almost everything Budi is doing in his FB account. Don’t be greedy :) See what will happen from there. Insya Allah nothing will :)

My dear friend agreed. She also said, reading those messages made her love Budi even more. She immediately called Budi & asked him for a dinner date while we were chatting :) I told her funny how things in relationship work, eh... It’s sad that we have to feel treatened of losing first to appreaciate the people that we love.

Now, FYI i wrote this becoz Wati requested me to do it. She wanted your opinions about her problem. So please be kind & share your thoughts ya... On behalf of Wati, I thank you in advance :)

Simple Life

There were times when I wish my life is just ordinary.
I wouldn't have to wonder what was, is or will happen.
Everything would be predictable.
No drama, no suspicion, no tears or maybe even laughter.
It's just there for me to live in.
With a simple smile and a laid back mind.
My heart wouldn't make an anxious heartbeat.
And it surely would not break.
My mind wouldn't make a crazy twirl.
And it would not turn me in to insanity.
Everything would be okay, if not perfect.
Everything....would be....just fine.
.........................
..............................


Now I'm having a hard time to end this writing.
Especially when my heart is still aching.
Because I'm fully aware that there's no such thing as a simple life.
And if there is, then it wouldn't be called LIFE.
And I probably would not live in it.
Or even like it.

An angel (or) a demon and a baby

Tadi malem, sekitar jam 12 (so cliche, eh?), aku ngalamin kejadian supernatural bareng Kukka :D If you’ve been reading my stories about my little girl, you’d already know that she’s a handful & almost hysterical baby :D Nah, last night, it was one of those moments. Karena aku ngga berani gendong Kukka (coz she kept moving & stretching), aku taro aja di kasur. She was angry, of course. My temperamental little baby hehehe... Udah agak lama baru aku gendong lagi. She was still crying angrily & kept tossing her head right & left. Tapi begitu mukanya ngehadap jendela kamar, dia diem. Her eyes focused on the upper part of the drapes sampe melotot. Aku ganti posisi, matanya tetep tertuju ke situ. Ngga lama kemudian....

She smiled, laughed & cooed again & again :D :D :D :D

It was like she was talking to someone. Sejak menjelang usia 2 bulan, Kukka emang udah bisa diajak berinteraksi. Diajak ngobrol dia senyum, ketawa lebar & ngebales “Hooo... Haooo...”. Tapi biasanya sih belom bisa terlalu lama. Tapi tadi malem....

Hihihihihihihihi... She looked really cheerful & I never saw her that “talkative” before. Pelan-pelan aku ngelirik ke atas jendela. Hiiiiiiiiii....!!! Seketika langsung merinding disko!!! Padahal AC kamar 24 Celcius! Deg-degan juga. Terus aku elus tanganku. Goosebumps! :D :D Sementara Kukka masih asik “ngobrol”. Now this is the part where I found out that I’m not a hysterical woman :p If I were, I’d be running out of the room, screaming heheheh... Instead, I remained calm (padahal deg-degan setengah mati :D) & talked to my baby cheerfully (dipaksa :D)

“Who’s up there, sweetie? Who are you talking to? Is it your guardian angel? Is “it” telling you to be a sweet baby? I’m sure your angel is telling you to go to sleep, ya? Hey, angel... Please tell Kukka not to cry ya... It’s very late for a baby. She should be sleeping right now. Please tell her, okay?”

Matanya Kukka tetep ke arah yang sama. Selesai aku ngomong gitu, Kukka ketawa lebar & ngomong “Hoooo” panjang :D :D Setelah itu, Kukka anteng di gendonganku sampe akhirnya tanpa macem-macem (biasanya pake macem-macem :p), dia tidur pulessssss....

Well, how about that! :D :D :D I was happy of course, that my baby is FINALLY asleep! Tapiiii....pelan-pelan aku juga keluar kamar hihihihih... Serem bow! Aku bukan termasuk orang yang into this kind of “thing”, IF there’s really such a thing. So, truthfully, it was kinda creepy :) But after awhile di luar kamar, setelah tangan mulai pegel ngegendong, I had to go back to the bedroom. Meski tangan masih semi goosebumps, aku mikir. Well, whatever it was, it sure did make my baby laughed & calm. Besides it’s Ramadhan. Katanya kan setan-setan dirantai semua hihihihi... Akhirnya ya udah... Aku taro Kukka di crib-nya (deket jendela :p).

I called Ica & told him all about it. Turned out, dia juga pernah ngalamin hal yang mirip, tapi kebalikannya. Kukka tadinya anteng, liat ke jendela jadi nangis :D Nah, tadi nih, pas abis ganti popok juga gitu. Kukka lagi asik ngobrol sama aku, melotot ke arah jendela, meringis terus nangis. It may sound silly but aku langsung liat ke jendela & said:

“Well, whatever you are, kalo bikin anakku tenang, you can stay up there. But if you bug her, then get the hell out of here & stay away from my daughter!”

Hihihihi! Jadi geli sendiri. Ko jadi ngomong sama gorden ya :)) Kalo kata papahku, Kukka ketemu “temennya” yang dikubur deket jendela kamar (ari-arinya maksudnya :p). Kalo kata aku... Terserah mau ketemu siapa asal jangan marah-marah melulu hihihihi...

To My Beloved Niece

Namira...

I just saw your pictures with your junior high friends.
I'm so happy you grow up to be such an outgoing & fun loving girl.
I'm so proud to see that you have lots of interests & good taste on things.

Am sad tho...
Tears are pouring down my cheeks.
I just can't believe you're this big now.
And apparently you already have a boyfriend now? :)

Oh my God...
I don't think I will ever be ready to see you as a grown up.
I'm not sure I want you to.

How can I?
You used to sleep on my chest when you were a baby.
I changed your diapers & rocked you to sleep.

I'm sorry, love.
But to me, you will always be my baby girl :x


PS:
And I'll be checking on your so called boyfriend with watchful eyes.
Sorry, but I can't help it :p

Colicky baby, anyone?

Beberapa hari sebelum puasa, Kukka kita bawa ke dokter. Aku senewen banget sama “kebiasaan” barunya dia yang nangis ngga karuan dari maghrib sampe subuh. Tidur baru sekitar jam 8an pagi. Bablas emang tidurnya. Sampe ngga bangun untuk nyusu. Tapi aku tetep parno banget. Takut dia kecapean, kurang gizi, sakit badan etc. Tapi menurut dokter (Bambang Tri), itu normal. Istilahnya colic. Semacem fase dalam kehidupan bayi, yang dateng tiba-tiba, ilangnya juga nanti tiba-tiba. Ngga ngerugiin si bayi. Ngga bikin cape ato apa. Tapi bikin orangtua & yang di sekelilingnya stress berat heheh... Menurut dokter, selama bayi masih mau nyusu & berat badan naek, all is good. Kukka kalo nyusu hot banget! Kaya ngga ketemu susu seminggu :p And she’s gaining a lot of weight. So, no worries kata oom dokter. Alhasil pulanglah kita dengan hati yang (sedikit) santai. Tinggal pusing mikirin gimana caranya supaya aku & Ica (terutama aku sih...) bisa istirahat yang cukup karena tiap malem asli begadang.

Eeeh... Ngga taunya begitu masuk bulan puasa, jadwal colic Kukka berubah! Ngamuknya jadi siang sampe abis maghrib! Abis itu dia tidur bablas sampe jam sahur hahahaha! Lumayan juga. Biasanya aku begadang sendirian, sekarang jadi banyak temen. Siangnya aku bisa sedikit istirahat karena Kukka dioper ke neneknya, yang dengan senang hati gendong dia sana-sini. Tapi kalo Kukka udah ngamuk sih panik juga neneknya :p I’m sure you would too kalo denger tangisannya hehehe... Not my intention to exaggerate, but really. My baby cries like there’s no tomorrow :D

Aku baca, tiap bayi yang colic solusinya beda-beda, tergantung bayinya. Ada yang cukup digendong aja, ada yang harus diayun-ayun, ada yang tenang kalo dipijet, ada yang anteng kalo dibawa jalan-jalan etc. Kukka? Well, ada beberapa posisi gendongan & ayunan yang bisa bikin dia tenang. Yang jadi masalah, I couldn’t do any of those :D

Cuma Ica yang bisa. Dia juga yang nemuin tehniknya. Minggu lalu sih lumayan... Ica sakit jadi ngga ngantor selama beberapa hari :D Begitu digendong Ica, Kukka langsung diem. Dalam keadaan “pewe”, dia pasang muka kalem seolah-olah sebelumnya ngga terjadi apa-apa. Bukti nyata bahwa dia abis ngamuk cuma genangan aer mata yang ada di celah matanya. Kadang diiringi senyuman lebar & suara “Haoo” kalo diajak ngobrol sama Ica. Lama-lama Kukka tidur di gendongan bapanya. Tapiiiii pas ditaro di box ato kasur, sedetik kemudian matanya melotot lagi. Nangis lagi. Ngamuk lagi. Yaaaa digendong lagi deh :p Buat Ica, gendong-gendong Kukka, yang beratnya udah 4 kiloan, ada bright side-nya. Itung-itung olahraga. Sama kaya angkat beban katanya heheheh...

Sekarang Ica udah ngantor lagi :( Yang struggle nenangin Kukka ya aku lagi, dengan tingkat kegagalan yang tinggi heheh... Tambah parah karena aku ngerasa Kukka juga ngga nyaman sama aku. Kalo liat bapanya, dia ketawa-ketawa. Matanya sampe melotot berbinar-binar. Kalo sama aku, bibirnya manyun-manyun, tatapannya datar-datar aja. Apa dia bosen sama ibunya? :p Sial hihihi...

Yang pasti aku cape, bingung, bosen, stress... Sampe bekas jaitan sakit lagi & keluar flek lagi...

Jadi makin sering nangis sendiri...
Jadi suka inget masa-masa dulu...
Jadi nyari-nyari yang ngga ada...
Jadi pengen punya “Me Time”...
Jadi makin kangen sama suami... (Eh itu sih selalu ya, Mun :p)

Jadi....aaaah ngga tauuuuuuhuhuhuhuhuhuuuuuuu....! Ngeblog aja sampe ngga jelas giniiiiiiii!!

Bad Days

Ever feel the need to spill your heart out to someone, but that particular someone is hardly there to listen & talk back to you? And even if the person is there with you, the moment never seems right. Or...you’re just too afraid to ruin that small bit of happy moment that you’re finally having & that your words &/ tears would drive that person away...again. Meanwhile, you have all the people in the world, who are willing to listen to you. But sadly, they are not who you need...at this particular moment.

So you end up feeling all sad & depressed when you’re not supposed to be. Feeling alone & lonely when you actually aren’t. Feeling angry & annoyed when you shouldn’t be.

Then what do you do?

Derita Bumil Sedunia

Seuntung-untungnya bumil, karena mungkin ada yang ngga pernah ngerasain mual dsb, tetep aja harus ngerasain sejuta macem “keanehan” laen di dalem bodinya.

Let’s see what’s out there besides the obvious stuff like morning sickness (yang harusnya diganti jadi “sickness” aja karena bisa berasa dari pagi sampe pagi lagi!), bentuk bodi jadi aneh, cepet cape, pusing, kram perut, setiap 5 menit pengen pipis, kunang-kunang atau pingsan mendadak... Yeah, these are the “normal” symptoms. Masih ada lagi??? Ooow jelaaaaaaas!!!

Khusus bagi cewe yang mau hamil aja harus berobat dulu, “penderitaan” dimulai jauuuh sebelum morning sickness. Efek dari obat-obatan yang harus dimakan aja udah menyiksa. Perut terasa ngga karuan. Kembung iya, kram iya, mual iya, sakit juga iya. Belom lagi masalah suntik menyuntik &... Hmm... Mendingan I keep my mouth shut lah daripada scare some women off :p

Nah, begitu ALHAMDULILLAH hamil, baru mulai kerasa gejala-gejala yang tadi disebut di atas. Just when you think that would be all, you’d start to feel some things else. Seperti apa? Oooow well... No biggie. CUMA mendadak sesek napas kaya terserang alergi akut. You know... If you’re allergic to a certain food, terus begitu makan, tenggorokan mendadak menyempit sampe akhirnya kamu ngerasa dicekik. Yup, kaya gitu :D Bedanya... Pas hamil datengnya mendadak. Bisa pas mau tiduran ato ya pas lagi iseng-iseng aja. Just like that. Did I tell you about the backpain?? Ooow... I’m just in the beginning of 5th month but it’s already becoming a problem. And the lack of sleep, OMIGOD! Sebagai a natural born sleepyhead, this one is a particular torture for me. Perut belom melendung amat, tapi udah ngga ada posisi yang enak buat tidur. Terlentang nyesak, minggir kiri/kanan pegel, setengah duduk apalagi! Oya, masalah ehm... Payudara... Yang nyeri & membengkak & membengkak &... Wait... This one's considered to be the best part of pregnancy for some women :D

Yang aku beberin di atas “baru” penderitaan fisik. Gangguan emosional ngga kalah spektakulernya. Perasaan overjoy dalam rangka menyambut si bayi dikombinasi dengan yang negatif. Stress mikirin keselamatan & kesehatan si bayi, mikirin badan yang jadi 11-12 sama dugong, gampang galak-marah-sebel-nyolot, depresi akibat lack of intimacy, sedih & cengeng mendadak, ngerasa sendiri & ngga disayangin, parno & curiga setiap saat, jadi pelupa & super bolot, total lack of self confidence & harga diri, & sooo much more!

The “beauty” of pregnancy...*sigh*

I have no doubt bahwa semua penderitaan ini ngga ada artinya begitu si bayi udah ada di dalam pelukan. Dan bukannya ngga mungkin I’d do it all over again free willingly. Pokonya my heart goes to all pregnant women AND mothers out there. Ibu (baca: PEREMPUAN), emang ngga ada yang bisa nandingin! :)

Tapiii... Gimana nasib bumil yang ditinggal, diboongin ato dikhianatin sama suaminya ya? :( I know it sounds cliche but I've heard that kind of stories many times. I can’t imagine how sad, devastating & humiliating the woman must be...

Makes me want to kill the man... And kiss suami-suami yang SIAGA :D

Astaghfirullah...

Yang namanya musibah emang bisa dateng kapan aja, lewat tangan siapa aja. Kemaren malem begitu sampe rumah, aku “disambut” Mba Tuti yang bermata merah:

“Mba Farika, saya mau minta maaf. Saya ditipu orang...”

Dang! Hal pertama yang muncul di kepalaku adalah dia di-harrass, “diapa-apain”. Hal kedua “Mampus, barang di rumah ilang semua nih!”. Aku langsung liat kiri, kanan, atas, bawah. Semua barang elektronik masih di tempatnya. Aku duduk & listened to the whole story.

Jadi, sore-sore Mba Tuti keluar rumah untuk beli pulsa di mini mart terdekat. Belum sampe tujuan, ada “Pak Haji” berpenampilan meyakinkan manggil dari dalem Avanza/Xenia silver. Katanya dia harus ke suatu tempat tapi alamatnya ilang. Instead, he asked for her hands. Untuk diramal katanya. Mba Tuti, being a polos person that she is, nurut aja. One thing leads to another. Tau-tau dia diceramahin & disuruh ngambil “Barang-barang yang biasa dibawa Ibu & Bapak kalo pergi-pergi.” Buat didoain, dicipratin air suci, biar selamat, ngga dicelakain orang & dapet duit banyak.

Sigh...

Baliklah dia ke rumah. Apparently dalam keadaaan ngga sadar. Karena satpam manggil-manggil & nanya tapi ngga dijawab. Menurut para satpam, Mba Tuti jalan terburu-buru di tengah hujan & ngga ngegubris mereka sama sekali. Ngga seperti biasanya. 3 kali dia bolak-balik di depan satpam (Pager keluar-masuk hanya 1 jadi pasti ketemu satpam yang itu-itu juga). 1. Ngambil barang. 2. Balik ke si penipu kampret. 3. Pulang. 3x itu juga dia ngga negur satpam. Para satpam pikir Mba Tuti lagi ngga enak hati karena abis dimarahin aku. Mereka pikir aku nyuruh Mba Tuti beli sesuatu, salah, dimarahin & nyuruh nuker lagi. Karena Mba Tuti emang keliatan bawa kantong plastik berisi banyak barang. Menurut Mba Tuti, dia baru sadar pas sampe di depan rumah.

Yang ilang? Well... Memang barang kecil-kecil. Tapi kalo dijumlahin nilainya belasan juta & yang paling mengenaskan, barang kesayanganku :(

1. My tokidoki sling bag yang dibeli di Bangkok bareng my BFF & selalu aku bawa kemana-mana
2. My camera, yang sialnya masih ada di dalem tokidoki
3. Parfum Issey Summer Ica & Clinique Happy-ku
4. My fave kacamata Bellinger frame putih (yang SELALU aku pake SETIAP HARI KECUALI HARI ITU!!!) & kacamata Replay Ica
5. Printilan kaya my Biotherm lotion, bedak & sunblock Clinique, gunting kuku, kalung Ica
6. Uang, anting & HP Mba Tuti

Sejauh ini, itu list barang-barang yang diinget Mba Tuti. Ngga tau deh kalo besok-besok dia inget lagi & ternyata masih ada barang laen yang ikut diambil. Eh, salah. "Dikasih".

Penipuan dengan cara hipnotis... Heard a lot about it. But I never thought I would be the victim someday... Ternyata emang bener. Emang nyata. Emang ngga bisa dianggap remeh. Unfortunately, lebih banyak orang jahat daripada yang baek sekarang ini... Sayangnya, hal-hal seperti ini yang membuat kita jadi suudzon-an sama orang laen. Sialnya, kejadian kaya gini yang bikin kita jadi ngga peduli & males ngebantu orang laen.

Buat temen-temen semua, semoga bisa ngambil hikmah & pelajaran dari pengalaman ini. Pesenku, selalu inget sama Yang Di Atas, waspada, & be smart.

No One Lives Forever

Why is it that almost every time I talk about death, somebody thinks it’s so scary or so afraid that it might be a sign that I would die soon? Not to mention the responses like:
“Ih! Ngomong apa sih!? Udah ah! Serem banget!”
“Hus! Jangan ngomong gitu ah!”

Why? Why can’t I talk about this?

Apa salahnya kalo kita inget bahwa suatu hari nanti, kita SEMUA bakal meninggal? Do you really think we’re going to be in this planet for good? Please deh! Example number 1, yang paling gampang. Stroll by a graveyard. What do you see? News flash. THOSE are dead people. Dead. Gone. Vanish. What do you feel? Scared? Okay. Scared of what? Ghosts?? Kunti? Pocong??? Nggg… Alrite, the last one scares the shit out of me too :D But that’s not the point! Do you want to know how I feel if I drove by a cemetery? Do you know what I see?

Well, I see me in the future. That would be ME lying there, somewhere, someday. My heart would pound really fast and hard. Sometimes a little bit dizzy and got chill in my spine. I would be afraid. But then I would think “It’s okay. Everybody dies.”

Wow.

How true is THAT!?!! EVERYBODY DIES. It’s just a matter of time and cause. But yes, I will be, eventually, not in this life anymore. Then I would get a bit dizzy again. This time it’s not becoz I was afraid (doesn’t mean that I’m not either :p). It’s becoz the feeling is sooo overwhelming! Can you imagine!!! Sekarang, kita ngejalanin hidup sehari-hari masih aware bahwa di "ujung sana" bakal ketemu garis finish. Tapi nanti?? Pas kita udah nyampe ke finish, we’ll live “there” forever and ever!!! Can you believe it?? And no man can ever imagine how life is going to be like “up there”. I’ve tried and I got more headaches :D There would be no ending for us. Only eternity awaits.

And you know what? Like I’ve always said, thinking a lot about death is not that bad. It does sound depressing, I admit :D But really, think about this. Thinking that you could die in any random second, (should) makes you rethink what you’re doing/going to do. Misalnya, mau berangkat ke PS jam 17.30. Udah tinggal berangkat, tau-tau adzan Maghrib. Option 1: Ignore it and catch a cabbie to PS. Option 2: Shalat dulu baru ke PS. Yang paling enak sih ya langsung berangkat. Scara temen udah nunggu, Haagen Dasz udah memanggil. Tapiiii kalo kita mikir “Ih, gimana kalo tiba-tiba pas otw ke PS, kecelakaan terus meninggal dalam keadaan belom shalat Maghrib?? Hiii!” Dijamin, option 2 bakal dipilih tanpa mikir lagi! Ya ngga? Atau kamu lebih takut si Ujang marah karena nunggu lama daripada Tuhan yang marah??? Seriously, this kind of thinking ngaruh banget buat aku yang suka bolong-bolong shalat wajibnya. Ato buat yang mau/lagi slingkuh "Apa jadinya kalo gue mati pas lagi berasyik-masyuk sama si Neneng?" ;))

Which leads me to another thought (boy, I sure think a lot these days :D Useful ones I hope). Udah punya bekal apa ya aku untuk “nanti”?

Have I done, the very least, my daily prayers today?
Have I asked enough forgiveness for my sins?
Have I spent lots of time with my family?
Have I said “I love you”s often to my family and friends?
Have I taken out harsh words from my daily conversations?
Have I stopped hurting people's feelings?
Have I forgiven the ones who’ve hurt me?
Have I forgiven ME?

In overall, am I good enough as a person? I’m not talking about udah cantiknya make-up aku, udah perfect-nya rambutku, udah kerennya bajuku. Pada akhirnya, what’s the point if I don’t look good in front of The Maker??

Like I’ve been saying. No one lives forever. And neither do you.


- Farika, who's far from being perfect but trying very hard to be the very least of it-

Is it just me...

…or time DOES go by so fast?

Seems it was just yesterday, I held my newborn baby niece, Namira, in my arms. Now, before I know it, she’s turning 10 years this month. And yesterday I watched her dance elegantly in a ballet performance with the Royal Academy of Dance. So pretty & so grown-up.

Beberapa weekend yang lalu I’ve spend some time with my younger cousins. By younger I meant, ow well… Elementary School? But nooo!! NOW they are already in college!! Udah popotoan sambil peluk-pelukan sama pacar-pacarnyaaa! Syok juga pas pertama kali liat foto-foto mereka di Friendster :D What the…!?!? Kayanya the last time I saw them, they were like… What? 5? Bukan karena aku jarang ketemu mereka lho sampe aku syok begini. Tiap acara keluarga sih ketemu. Tapi tetep aja. Tiap ketemu lagi, susah kayanya nerima kenyataan bahwa sekarang mereka udah besar-besar. Udah cantik-cantik, ngeroko & doing any other stuff, possibly :p Udah gaya-gaya, rajin clubbing di tempat-tempat “orang dewasa”, pada punya pacar & all…

Minggu lalu aku ketemu temen di ruang tunggu dokter. Seperti biasa, pertanyaan standar yang pertama keluar dari mulutnya adalah “Masih di Dentsu?”. Disusul dengan pertanyaan “Udah berapa lama ya elo di Dentsu?”. Nggg… Ngg… Berapa lama ya? Setaun? 2 taun? Atau jangan-jangan udah 3 taun?? Huweee!! Lama benerrrr!!!! Masa sih udah 3 taun? Akhirnya, bukannya ngobrol sama si temen, aku malah ngahuleng (baca: ngelamun) sendiri. Sambil nginget-nginget lagi dengan ekspresi ngga percaya. Masa iya sih?? Kayanya baru taun lalu deh aku pamit-pamitan di McCann… Ternyata memang bener... Sekarang aja udah ganti “generasi” 2 ato 3 kali, aku (& Ipz) masih aja di Dentsu. Ngga tau karena betah ato karena ngga laku lagi di luaran.

Sering juga aku ditanya, udah nikah berapa lama. Aku jawab “Baruuu…” sambil nginget-nginget taun berapa sih kita nikah! Ada kalanya sampe harus buka cincin kawin dulu & liat grafirannya :D Abis I feel like it has been forever sama Ica. Considering the fact that aku udah dari ‘97 bareng dia. Tapi kalo ditanya udah berapa lama nikah, I always feel like baru kemaren kita nikah di Kebun Raya. Nah, “kemaren”nya itu ternyata udah 3 taun yang lalu :)

Hah… Jadi lupa ingatan gini… Kalo dipikirin everything feels so surreal. Mungkinkah ini gejala kiamat udah deket (kayanya ngga ada deh di Al Quran :p) atau ini yang disebut Keke as ciri-ciri tuwirdotcom? :D

Oy...

What happens to you waktu dilanda stress? Keringet dingin? Jantung deg-degan? Insomnia? Makan berlebihan? Atau yang lebih spektakuler? Kaya misalnya… Ngompol (padahal umur udah 20 lebih. Kalau masih 3 taun sih ya ngga usah diomongin kaleee!). Atau pingsan mungkin? Ada ngga sih orang stress sampe pingsan? Mungkin Keke kalo liat setan ya :D Iseng-iseng tadi browsing, eh nemuin list efek yang bisa terjadi kalo orang stress. Iseng-iseng, aku bold-in yang pernah aku rasain kalo lagi stress.

1. Frequent headaches, jaw clenching or pain
2. Gritting, grinding teeth
3. Stuttering or stammering
4. Tremors, trembling of lips, hands
5. Neck ache, back pain, muscle spasms
6. Light headedness, faintness, dizziness
7. Ringing, buzzing or "popping sounds
8. Frequent blushing, sweating
9. Cold or sweaty hands, feet
10. Dry mouth, problems swallowing
11. Frequent colds, infections, herpes sores
12. Rashes, itching, hives, "goose bumps"
13. Unexplained or frequent "allergy" attacks
14. Heartburn, stomach pain, nausea
15. Excess belching, flatulence
16. Constipation, diarrhea
17. Difficulty breathing, sighing
18. Sudden attacks of panic
19. Chest pain, palpitations, frequent urination
20. Poor sexual desire or performance
21. Excess anxiety, worry, guilt, nervousness
22. Increased anger, frustration, hostility
23. Depression, frequent or wild mood swings
24. Increased anger, frustration, hostility
25. Increased or decreased appetite
26. Insomnia, nightmares, disturbing dreams
27. Difficulty concentrating, racing thoughts
28. Trouble learning new information
29. Forgetfulness, disorganization, confusion
30. Difficulty in making decisions.
31. Feeling overloaded or overwhelmed.
32. Frequent crying spells or suicidal thoughts
33. Feelings of loneliness or worthlessness
34. Little interest in appearance, punctuality
35. Nervous habits, fidgeting, feet tapping
36. Increased frustration, irritability, edginess
37. Overreaction to petty annoyances
38. Increased number of minor accidents
39. Obsessive or compulsive behavior
40. Reduced work efficiency or productivity
41. Lies or excuses to cover up poor work
42. Rapid or mumbled speech
43. Excessive defensiveness or suspiciousness
44. Problems in communication, sharing
45. Social withdrawal and isolation
46. Constant tiredness, weakness, fatigue
47. Frequent use of over-the-counter drugs
48. Weight gain or loss without diet
49. Increased smoking, alcohol or drug use
50. Excessive gambling or impulse buying

Gila! Setelah diliat-liat lagi, ternyata lumayan banyak ya?? Malah ada yang kurang! I think tekanan darahku, yang emang udah rendah, langsung ngedrop drastis kalo lagi stress. Kunang-kunang bermunculan. Kepala rasanya didudukin gajah gendut. Lemeeeeees banget. Semua muncul serentak dalam waktu beberapa detik setelah suatu kejadian yang micu si stress kamprito itu dateng. Weks! Segitu stress-nyakah akuuu?? Kenapa juga?? Ngeposting postingan ngga penting, efek stress jugakah? Gawaat! Gawaat!!

Duh… Jadi stress nih mikirin aku stress…


PS: Perlu dicatet poin 20 membuktikan bahwa stress itu bener-bener membahayakan :p

A Cry For Help

Emang pada dasarnya manusia itu ngga ada yang sempurna. Pasti ada cacatnya, pasti banyak dosanya. Tapi aku liat ada juga kok orang yang at least dari luar, keliatan cukup ideal. Tingkah lakunya ngga pernah mengundang marah ato kesel orang lain. Yang ada mungkin bikin orang laen iri. Selalu keliatan sabar, nerima, bijaksana dll. Pokonya banyak deh ‘ilmu’nya. So, it means that, seperti ilmu-ilmu laennya, all those ‘noble’ qualities, which one doesn’t have, could be earned by learning, yes?

Kalo gitu, gimana caranya belajar ngilangin rasa marah & benci terhadap sesuatu ato seseorang? What does it take supaya ngga pernah lagi berprasangka buruk terhadap sesuatu ato seseorang? Belajarnya gimana supaya bisa jadi orang yang bener-bener sejujur-jujurnya ikhlas & pasrah terhadap apapun? Gimana caranya ngilangin keinginan to tear somebody’s eyes out & throws 5 liters of spit to his/her face? Gimana cara ngilangin ke-over-pedean that I can do almost anything I want, yang dengan sombongnya ngerasa bahwa the only help I'd need would be only my brain, my cuteself & probably science & technology? Gimana caranya supaya kata-kata kaya !#^&, *%!@ ato @#$# ngga muncul di otak apalagi keluar dari mulut? Gimana caranya jadi orang sabar? Gimana caranya jadi orang yang selalu halus tutur katanya? Gimana caranya jadi orang yang bener-bener ngga pernah pamrih? Gimana caranya untuk ngga pernah ngucapin ato bahkan mikir “Tuh kan, gue bilang juga apa!” ke orang laen ato ngomong “Kalo gue gini, kalo gue gitu”? Gimana caranya jadi orang yang bisa selalu senyum dengan tulus? Gimana caranya jadi orang yang bisa ngucapin AKU CINTA KAMU WALAUPUN, & BUKAN KARENA? And most of all…

...gimana caranya nyerahin diri seutuhnya ke Yang Maha Besar, tanpa mengharapkan apapun in return?

*sigh*
I always thought that Lust is my biggest sin in life. Turns out it's Vanity who loves to be on top :(

Help.
Please.