Happy 14!

Fierce as a lioness. Gentle as a lamb. Firm and funny. Curious and brave. Your voice surely lights up every corner of my heart. Your presence assures me there's such thing as new hope and millions of miracles. Every day I see you become much more than a teenager. More of a young lady with a mind of her own. Arts, opinions, plans and dreams. Some are shared, more still waiting to be heard and seen.

My Precious Godsend

My love, my life, my everything. 

That special day is here again. 

The day The Almighty sent me a wonder. 

The day when I felt über lucky ever since. 

A mother's prayer is the best gift one could get they say.

Accept my neverending prayers, my most sincere amens.

Be kind, be helpful, be grateful.

Share nice words, polite hellos and genuine smiles.

Those things will make your life more than just okay. 

I wish you a very happy and blissful day.

  Bubu's Bebi, 

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY 🥰 

Dear Kukka: Welcome To Teenhood!

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I look deep into your eyes and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I shower you with kisses and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I hug you tight and scream "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I whisper to your ears "I love you!"

Well guess what young lady?! Just because you're officially a teenager now it doesn't mean I will stop saying it. Ever. On the contrary I will say it again and again and again and again. Especially when you have a rough day at school, tough times with your friends and when you have your heart broken for the first time. I will definitely be here for you and say "I love you." a million times and more.

Happy 13th birthday my precious Godsend!

Have a blast being a teenager! 

Know your boundaries, keep your mind and body happy and healthy.

Enjoy life and be grateful!

Keep on blooming to be the most beautiful flower, inside and out.

Most importantly remember that you are my number one.

Forever and always.

Oh and like I always say:

"One day you'll understand."

I love you.

Dear Kukka: HAPPY ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Eleven years ago an angel came down to brighten our life up.

Beautiful, caring, funny, mischievous and smart.

All lightness that can make the gloomiest heart instantly bright.

Along with a pack of toughness to make everything just right.

Her curiousity turns every day an adventure.

Lots of questions about this and that.

Loads of opinions about who, why, when, where and what.

One thing is certain because it has always been there and will forever stay.

It's our endless love for this blossoming flower.

Our precious Godsend.

Our Kukka Aiko Farza.

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you

Dear Kukka: Happy 9th Birthday!

No way! There’s no way you’re 9 years old now!!!! MY BABY???? MY PRECIOUS GODSEND???? 9 YEARS OLD??????? Where did all those baby years go????

Good God… No wonder you’ve changed so much! The way you talk, the gestures you do, the comments you make, the questions you ask! So not….baby-like anymore!!! I’m so saaaaaaaaaad! Yet also very excited at the same time :)) I know, I know. It doesn’t make any sense. Just wait and see until you have your own daughter someday. Then you’ll understand. 

This year we celebrated your birthday in Hard Rock Bali again. I think it was your choice? You were very happy, obviously. The fact that we spent the nights in a hotel and you spent the days on the beach until your skin got all wrinkley, that was your idea to have a perfect birthday. But I wonder why you looked kind of embarrased when the Hard Rock Hotel guys brought you a cake and sang to you Happy Birthday… Because you’re not a little girl anymore? :)

But you did have a great birthday, right? Like I wrote on my instagram on your birthday: 

A beautiful soul was born today. 

9 years ago to be exact. 

She changes my life in ways I could never imagine. 

She’s my godsend, my guardian angel. 

My daughter, the love of my life. 

Meine Liebe. Mein Ein und Alles.

Girl Talk

Okay. Let me breath in for a while. Inhale. Exhale. Okay. People, the time has come when my daughter likes to ask me lots of questions that involves “grown-up stuff”. Yup. My daughter is 8 years old and she has a very curious mind. Being a very, very smart girl that she is, just like her Opa, Aki, Bapa and Ua Eza, it’s actually a no-brainer that she has a lot of questions in that super mind of hers. You see... Lately Kukka and I have been having conversations which she called "our girl talk". It usually starts with "Bubu, I have a question. But don't tell anyone! This is just for you and me. Our girl talk." And then we shake hands. So, you see. The conversations are top secret :) What I can share to you is that my precious girl's questions are difficult ones. Difficult as in... Well... If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'd know that months ago I had to explain to Kukka about animals mating. It was...quite challenging. And hilarious! The convo occurred because of the “drama” that happened between Blob-Blob and Fluffy. Check out my previous posting if you want to know. 

Then there was this one night, during our usual bedtime convo, Kukka asked me questions that made my eyes got wide, my jaws dropped and finally... The questions made me laugh. Yes. I laughed so hard while hugging her. I must confess though. I was hugging Kukka because I was buying some time to figure out what and how to answer her questions. I was and still am not ready for this. I mean... Come on?!?!?!? 8 years old?? I thought I still have 10 more years to have that kind of conversation with her. But apparently not with kids nowadays. Especially with a very smart and super curious child like mine. Objectively speaking of course. #proudmother 

Now... Because of her challenging questions, whenever Kukka gives me a question that I can't answer (right away), I ask her to give me some time. Afterwards I'll be googling like crazy. I'll also ask my closest friends how to explain to Kukka the correct answer, in the most decent and age-appropriate way. Why? Because I don't want to be a parent who just gives an answer without even thinking how it would later impact my kid. The way Kukka thinks, how she behaves, how she treats other people and so on... I believe it depends on how my husband and I show, teach or explain things to her. Kids nowadays are way more curious. I should be grateful that Kukka comes to me and asks me personally whenever she needs/wants an answer or any kind of information. Many kids search for answers by themselves and lots of them are...misinformed. Why and how? Google and cellphones. Yup. I just found out that many kids are allowed to use cellphones...without adult supervision. And on school days too! Kukka? Weekends and holidays only. Youtube kids channels only on certain hours. Instagram: pictures edited and uploaded by SiBubu, messages/chatting read and personally replied by Kukka only on holidays and weekends. Obviously, EVERYTHING, EVERYDAY is under SiBubu's supervision. Strict? Maybe. But I think it's very important and necessary.

Anyways... I use this moment... This phase... As an opportunity to tell Kukka that she can come to me ANYTIME, to talk and to ask me about ANYTHING. Absolutely anything. No limits. That it’s better for her to come to me than to anybody else. And that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. So does she? Come to me and ask me about stuff since then? Oooooooh you bet she does!!! :)))) Like what? Oh sorry, guys! TOP SECRET. But if I could give you some examples... Last night Kukka asked me what does *this* mean (*middle finger*) and what does the F word mean. I was shocked. Obviously. But I tried to calm down. Then like always, first I asked her where did she see/hear it. She didn't want to tell me (My daughter is not a rat/squeal. Noted.). She just answered "Somebody said it at school. Just somebody. Not to me. Don't worry, Bubu." Later on, after doing some very, very careful thinking and choosing the proper words, I explained it to Kukka. This is just one example. There are so many comments and questions from Kukka that I can't write them down here :) But one last thing that I can share to you is my feelings.

The feeling of being a very, very grateful person. The feeling of being a very, very proud mom. The feeling of being a very, very happy parent. For having the honor to be the mother of such a beautiful, smart and precious human being whom I can call:
 

"MY DAUGHTER".

Dear Kukka: Happy 8th Birthday!!!

Excuse me but can you tell me again how old you are now??? You are eight years old??? Are you sure, baby?????? I mean... 8????? I’m sorry but I’m having a very hard time to believe it. I know, I know. I say that every year but... Come on!!! EIGHT????? 8???????????????? This year we celebrated your birthday at Oakwood Premier Cozmo Jakarta. I think this is going to be our usual place to celebrate our special occasions. Why? Well... Because so far it has everything we want. Nice place and good food. That’s it. 

Anyways, there was an extra happiness going on this year. Uncle Ferry had spent 2 nights at our home before and that event alone had already made you, made US, very very happy. You had a great time playing with Uncle Ferry, Bapa had a partner to play his favorite online game and I? I had the chance to see two of my beloved people, my baby brother and my baby girl, snuggled up and snoring together from night until the next afternoon. Too bad Uncle Ferry couldn’t be there on your birthday morning. But at least you guys had a great swimming time together before he went home. And I had a superb quality time with your beloved uncle. We've shared moments that we'd probably very difficult to repeat... Especially when he's going back to his campus. Let's just hope he'll finish his study very soon so he can be with us again.

Now about your birthday... Bapa, you and me. No fancy party, no fuss, just us. You were very excited when you found out that we were going to spend a night at a hotel. We could’ve spent more days but Bapa had to go to Bandung to attend his high school reunion. Anyways, the minute you set your feet inside the hotel building, you were very excited. And on your birthday morning... When Bapa and I woke you up and sang you Happy Birthday... You were so surprised. Even though we only brought you a cheese quiche from Starbucks, decorated with a single candle, your eyes sparkled and your smile was so wide. You kept saying “This is the best birthday ever! You are the best parents! I love you!” And then you hugged and kissed me and Bapa. Now tell me!!! Which parents don't feel proud to have such a loving and grateful daughter?!

Dear Kukka, 

You are the most precious daughter parents could ever wished for. 

There's no day passes by without us thanking ALLAH SWT for giving you to us.

The most beautiful, smart, grateful and loving little girl. 

Our beloved Godsend... 

Our pretty Si Baiyi...

Why This, Why That

Lately I’ve been getting so many questions and I’m afraid that I might answer them wrongly. Some are easy, but lots are tough. I need to be extra careful in answering these questions because the person who keeps bombarding me with them is a very special person.... Yup. It’s my beloved Godsend. Kukka is officially in this stage now. The stage where everything, every time, anything, anytime, can turn into questions. Why, where, when, who, what. I’m not sure when this started but I can assure you that the questions get tougher each day. Random. Innocent. Funny. But tough to answer. At least for me. 

I think the first question that really startled me was about babies. One night while I thought we were going to have our usual aka standard pillow talk, out of the blue, Kukka asked me how parents “make” babies, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how they eat, where do they get the food from, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides that the baby should be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, why did ALLAH decides to make her a girl, etc. One time she asked me:

“You need to get married to have a baby, right Bubu? You can’t have a baby when you’re not married. I have to get married first if I want a baby. Bapa married you and then you have me. Right? I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. Or vagina. That’s where babies come out from. Right??? And why do some people don’t have any babies? Why do you only have one daughter? Why did you want a daughter and not a son? Do you want another baby? Do you want to have a son? Or another daughter? And why didn’t ALLAH give Oom and Tante X a baby? Why do some people have babies and some don’t?”

And so on and so on and so on. I must say the first time it happened I was like... What the....!!! I wasn’t really ready for those kind of questions. But then I thought questions about babies are pretty standard and I knew that one day she would ask me about it. So I took a couple of minutes to breath...and think...until I was quite confident with myself. So as I found myself fully “armed” with reasonable answers that are suitable for kids her age, I answered Kukka’s questions calmly. No. The answers didn’t involve storks carrying babies from a baby factory or magic dusts from the sky. I answered Kukka’s questions as real and as scientific as possible. And that are appropriate for her age of course. It was hilarious. Watching her expression as I explained to her was... Hilarious! #LOL But then the questions and comments got more intense. And totally random yet still about relationships! 

One time, out of the blue Kukka said to me: “I wonder why some of your friends don’t like each other anymore. As husband and wife. That’s sad.” I was startled and then I nervously asked her whom she was talking about. She said she was referring to some friends of mine who got divorced... Yet one of the most shocking moments for me was when she asked “Bubu, why does Nini don't like Om X (one of my ex boyfriends)? Will you do that to me too if I had a boyfriend one day? What if you don't like him?"

WAKWAAAAAAAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH. MY. GOD. In case you’re wondering, yes. My convo with my girl nowadays gets more and more intense and...fun! Typical girl talk. She’s starting to ask me about personal stuff, me as a mother and as a woman. And I’m trying to give her answers as real as possible. Why? Well... Because I personally think kids nowadays should and want to be treated as “real” as possible. They don’t accept make-believe answers anymore like we used to. They are more critical and curious. So I personally think it’s better to give Kukka real answers. Answers that she receives better from me than from somebody or somewhere else. I want Kukka to know that she can ask me about absolutely anything. That no questions are stupid and off-limits. That she doesn’t have to be ashamed. Neither should she hide her curiosity. On the contrary, I always praise her for being so curious. 

Which takes me to this point where I realize that I have to educate myself more about... Well... Everything. If I want my baby to come to me whenever she has questions, I better have the answers, right? That’s why I have to be in tune with current issues and the latest trends. Because I have one very smart and curious daughter here. Objectively speaking, of course. I need to be “well-armed” so whenever Kukka comes to me with questions....or back-talks, I’ll be ready. Oh God yes, I better be ready because before I know it... 

Teen years are coming and SiBapa will be like...  

Dear Kukka: I Love You

Tonight, as I put you down to sleep, I couldn’t hold my tears to run down from my eyes. No, there’s actually nothing special happening. Today is just an ordinary day. Just like any Saturdays when we’ve decided to stay at home. Bapa is playing game (as we speak or better yet, as I type), I was vegging out in front of the tv and you were using your weekend privilege: playing computer game and Youtubing. Like I said. It’s just our usual way to spend our weekend at home. 

Then at around 11pm I’ve decided to put you to bed because I could see that you were actually already sleepy. Very, if I may add. But of course, when I said it was time to go to bed, you whined “But I’m not sleepy...!”. You said it with droopy eyes and sleepy voice. Then I tried to rock you to sleep. But you wanted to hug me instead while we were both lying on the bed. Good for me because... Sweetie, I think you’re getting too big and too heavy for me to carry and rock you like a baby. So there we were, both lying on the bed, with me stroking your hair while you were trying to find the right position to sleep. And of course, while doing it, you kept whining “I’m not sleepy. I don’t want to go to sleep now...” 

At last you found the perfect position to sleep: hugging/wrapping your arms and legs around me like I'm a bolster. You were hugging me so tight I couldn’t sing or even hum you a lullaby. To tell you the truth I even had difficulty to breath #LOL But of course, it wasn’t a problem for me. Actually I always love when we do that. And tonight that was the moment when I started to think...and cry. 

Meine kleine Engelchen, when I unwrapped myself from your tight hug and tucked you in the bed, I couldn’t stop looking at your sweet face. I couldn’t stop kissing your soft and chubby cheeks and your fine hair. I couldn’t stop biting and sniffing your smooth hands. I couldn’t stop “playing” with your super cute nose. I couldn’t stop looking at your pretty face. And that’s when I started to whisper in your ear: 

“I love you.” 

You are the most beautiful, sweet, lovely and precious gift that ALLAH has sent to me. I hope, wish, beg and pray to ALLAH that you will live a long, happy, healthy and blissful life. That you will never ever have to go through or even feel the slightest pain that I have to suffer. And if you do get problems and have your heart broken, which at some point in your life you certainly will, I hope they will only make you stronger and wiser. I pray that you will make the best decisions and that you will be surrounded by good people. And that if you do meet bad ones, they will only make you realize that you have to be way better than them. And baby, at this exact moment I finally truly understand the phrase “I’d take a bullet for you.” Because baby, that’s exactly how I feel about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

Kukka Aiko Farza, my baby, my precious Godsend. Ich liebe Dich, meine kleine süße Schatz. Du bist mein Ein und Alles. You are my strength. You are my rock. You are my forever love. You are my everything. 

Dear Kukka: I'm Sorry

Mein Liebling. Mein Schatz. 

Today please give me some time to explain and to apologize to you. It’s about you and me. It’s about me as your mother. It’s about your right as my daughter. It’s about what should’ve been. It’s about what has to be done. 

Meine Liebe Kukka, my apology to you is actually already long overdue but alhamdulillah ALLAH still gives me time to do it. Well, actually right now I’m still doing it on writing... But I promise as soon as you come home from school today, I will apologize to you personally. 

My precious Godsend,

Minutes ago, when I was on my iPhone, like always, checking about useless stuff online, something just...hit me. Something slammed my conscious. I can’t remember what it was or how it started but I’m starting to think about us. About me as your mother. I hope it’s not too late but I just realize that... I am not a good mother. Not good enough. Why?

Because instead of being with you, most of the time I’m pretty much fixated by my social medias’ friends. Laughing at their jokes and not your funny stories. Which I know you actually have a lot to share... But sadly many times I just hear them out. But not really listening to you... 

Because when I’m with you, a lot of times I’m busy chatting with my friends on my chat apps instead of asking you about how your day was at school, your friends, your hobbies. Or about many other things. Like those Puffles you love so much. 

I’m so sorry because you have to call me more than one time to get my attention while I’m busy editing photos instead of admiring your super sweet face... Which is right there in front of me. Already perfectly created by THE ALMIGHTY.

Dear Kukka... 

Mein Ein und Alles. My everything. I’m writing this post while you’re still at school. But I promise as soon as you come home, I will put my iPhone down, shut down my Mac and start apologizing to you. I will tell you that I’m sorry and I hope you will give me another chance to start over. 

I love you, my precious Godsend. Let’s make our relationship as mother and daughter much better, okay? And I’ll show you that I can also be fun like your beloved Bapa. Or maybe even more!!! :p 

Updated: 

I showed Kukka this blog post and I didn't expect this kind of reaction from her. My precious Godsend cried... And while I was wiping tears from her eyes, she said: "Because it's so sad... It's like you... It's so sad..." And this was her expression while reading it. My sweet, beautiful, sensitive precious Godsend :) 

Dear Kukka: Major Milestone

My precious Godsend, 

Today I want to tell you another story about how proud I am with you. Why? Well, there are many things that I’m proud of, of course. But there’s one particular thing, a milestone, a big one, that you’ve achieved and I want to brag about to the whole world. 

By the time you read this, maybe you’ll remember that there was a time when you and I had to spend some nights at Ua Eza and Ua Tanti’s house. Why? Well, to cut the long story short, it’s because of me and my illness. But that’s not what I want to write about now. Like I said, I want to brag about you. About your achievement. 

You, my precious, beautiful, smart girl, have been sleeping on your own, in Ua Eza’s room for 3 nights in a row now!!!! All by yourself!!! There was one night when I sat by your side and told you bedtime stories while I stroked your hair. But the other nights, all I did was hugged you as tight as I could until you said “Ouch! You’re hurting me, Bubu”, tucked you in with Sausagee the Dachshund and Creamy The Cat, showered you with lots of good night kisses and....that was it!!!! You just asked me to leave the night lamp on and the door open. And then you went to sleep!!!! Just like that!!! No tears, no whining, no sad-looking face, no drama at all!!!!!

I must tell you that I’m having mixed feelings now, baby. For sure, I’m soooooooo proud of you!! No doubt about that. But..... I’m also feel kind of sad.... In fact I’m shedding a couple of tears now as I type these words.... Why??? Well.... It’s because... It means that.... You are definitely not a baby anymore :((((( You’re getting bigger, smarter, and most of all, braver. I’ve always know that you’re a brave kid. Sometimes even too brave aka reckless. You hardly ever whine (except when you really want to play Club Penguin and I say NO). You never act like a spoiled brat. You are polite and sweet. You've never been a cry baby except when you WERE one. I don’t think I (or anybody!) will ever forget your epic way of crying when you were still that bald chubby super cute baby #LOL But now...?????? 

Oh God... You, my precious, are one brave little lady!!! And I feel soooo blessed to have you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re brave and you are compassionate. And I pray to ALLAH SWT. that you’re going to stay this way forever and even better. 

Amen. 

Baby Girl No More

I just finished putting my baby girl to sleep. Miraculously tonight it took less than 10 minutes to make her snore comfortably. All I did was just telling Kukka a couple of stories and singing some short lullabies. As I stroked her soft hair and watched her slowly close her sleepy eyes, tears began to fill my eyes. 

This girl... This sweet, cheeky and cute little girl is getting bigger and bigger everyday... And I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I stroke Kukka’s hair and covering her body with a warm blanket, I just realized how much my precious Godsend has grown up now... 

I can't believe how tall my Godsend has become... Her legs are not chunky anymore. Now they are long and lean. Kukka’s cheeks are still full but her sharp chin make them look not as chubby as they used to be... 

I started to kiss Kukka's cheeks again and again and again. And then I started to kiss her eyes, her forehead, her hair, her nose, her hands, her...everything! And my tears kept falling and falling. Oh, only God knows how much I love this sweet little girl! And only God knows how I’m so not ready for her to grow up yet... 

How do you do this? How do you prepare yourself and be ready to accept that your baby is.... Well... Not a baby anymore?! That one day she might not come to you for advices, hugs and kisses anymore. That one day she might choose to keep things to herself rather than tell you about what she wants and what she likes. Or about everything for that matter!! How does a mother do it??? When will a mother be ready for all these things to happen to her precious daughter? Or then again... 

Do I want to be ready????? 

Dear Kukka: Happy 6th Birthday!

Sometimes I wonder, how can this be happening

How can I be this fortunate

How can I be this lucky

I have an angel by my side

One that I can hold

One that I can kiss so lavishly

The kindest, the sweetest

With the prettiest heart above all

She shines like a star

She brightens my days

She's bursting with love

For me, unconditionally

Loved by so many 

And of course, so crazily by me 

She spreads her wings of joy and laughter 

To us all so effortlessly 

Baby, you're it 

You're the one 

The only one for me

You are my inspiration 

You are my definition of love

Happy 6th birthday, my Precious Godsend

My angel of hope, my gift from God

You are the closest to a constant reminder

That I should be grateful to ALLAH SWT

In every breath I take

Remember what ALLAH has blessed you with

Keep counting and nourishing His blessings 

And ALLAH willing, He will only give you more

So much more

My unconditional love and never ending prayers are with you

Forever and always

Dear Kukka: Happy 5th Birthday!

Whenever I feel weak

I look at your energetic self

Whenever I feel angry

I learn from your purity and innocence 

Whenever I feel unworthy

I drown myself in your hugs 

Whenever I feel unloved

I hear your sweet voice whispering “I love you, Bubu”

I am strong. I am calm. I am worthy. I am definitely loved. 

And it’s all because Allah SWT. have sent me an angel, exactly 5 years ago today. 

Happy 5th birthday, Precious Godsend!

You are my pillar of strength and my inspiration

My pride and my joy

My love of my life

My unconditional love and never-ending prayers are with you. 

Forever and always.

Dear Kukka: Happy 4th Birthday!

Because of you, I'm happier

Because of you, I'm braver

Because of you, I'm stronger

Because of you, I'm humbler

Because of you, I'm calmer

Because of you, I might be even wiser

And because of you, I know I am better

Therefore I'm forever grateful

There's not a single day gone by without me thanking Allah SWT for creating you 

To be the most important part of my life

To be my heart

Happy birthday, my most beloved Godsend

My angel, my rock, my life

My unconditional love and never ending prayers are with you

Forever and always

Angel

For years I've asked Allah for a child

A child with the kindest heart

Who'll never hesitate to help those in need

A child with the warmest smile

Who'll brighten everybody's day

A child with the prettiest face

Who'll healed her loved ones' broken hearts

A child with the smartest mind

Who'll make the world a better place to live one day

For years I've asked Allah for a child

Two years ago He sent me an angel instead

Happy 2nd birthday, My Little Godsend

I Got The Blues

Berawal dari malem pertama check in ke rumah sakit. Begitu dateng disuruh tiduran, belly strapped with a thing yang tracking Kukka’s heart beat & aku harus ngitung berapa kali Kukka bergerak (which turned out to be all the time :D). Sementara Ica sibuk kesana-sini ngurus keperluan di RS, aku ngobrol & elus-elus Kukka yang masih di dalem perut. Mendadak diserang rasa sedih & kangen sama Si Baiyi yang amat sangat. Sedih karena besok subuh dia udah ngga ada di dalem perutku lagi. Langsung kebayang betapa kangennya aku nanti sama gerakan-gerakan Si Baiyi, yang udah 9 bulan aku bawa kemana-mana (Damn, I’m crying AGAIN while writing this :D) Aneh banget. Harusnya kan aku seneng ya, bakal ngeliat & gendong Si Baiyi secara langsung...

Selesai nangis yang ini, aku denger ibu di tempat tidur sebelah, ditelepon temennya. Kayanya si temen nanya soal kerjaan trus nanya dia ada dimana. Si ibu jawab dengan suara lemes & bindeng “Di RS nih... Abis keguguran...” Weks :( Nangis lagi aku! Tapi ngga lama karena beberapa kali “terganggu” sama suster. Before I know it, si ibu sebelah udah dipindahin ke kamar laen.

Tiba-tiba dateng ibu berikutnya. This one looked like she’s really in a great deal of pain :( Yang lebih kasian lagi, masih harus ngejawab pertanyaan suster! Ibu ini lagi bleeding as we speak! Keguguran... Masih muda emang kehamilannya. Kalo ngga salah denger, 5 minggu. Yang pasti, dia nangis-nangis, antara sedih & kesakitan kayanya :( Lagi-lagi aku ikutan nangis. Ngga tau kenapa aku merasa bersalah, tidur di sebelah 2 ibu yang baru aja keguguran, sementara aku lagi sibuk ngitungin gerakannya Kukka, yang bakal lahir besok pagi.

Ngga lama dateng suaminya. I expected him to be affectionate & supportive. Eeeeeh yang ada, dia malah ngomong “Udah ah jangan nangis! Paling sakitnya sama kaya kamu kalo lagi mau dapet kan! Ya udah mau digimanain lagi..” “Paling”??? “Jangan nangis”???? Sumpah, pengen aku tampar suaminya!!! Yang tadinya sedih & feeling guilty berat, berubah jadi murka :D Untung ngga lama kemudian aku dipindahin ke kamarku. Jadi ngga perlu ngedengerin komentar-komentar ngga penting si suami itu. My deepest sympathy to the ladies... I hope you’ll recover soon.

Nah, yang tadi blues pra melahirkan, if there’s such a thing huehuehue... Yang setelah melahirkan lebih parah lagi. Kayanya dipicu dari ngeliat Ica yang begitu sigap & attentive banget ngurusin Kukka yang baru lahir. Ganti popok, bersihin pipis & pupi, bangun & gendong Kukka even di tengah malem buta menjelang subuh... Padahal seumur hidup Ica ngga pernah gendong anak kecil, apalagi bayi merah :D Dan itu semua berlanjut, alhamdulillah sampe sekarang :) Tiap ngeliat Ica kaya gitu, diem-diem aku nangis terharu huehuehue... Ngga nyangka bakal segitunya sih... Pokonya aku jadi mellow banget lah! Aku sempet stress sampe nangis pas malem pertama di rumah. Gara-gara susah nyusuin & Kukka histeris banget! Tapi untung ada Ica :) Yang tadinya nangis, jadi ketawa lagi. Pokonya selama Ica cuti, seminggu pertama ngurusin Kukka, hidupku nyaman deh!

Tapiiii begitu 2 hari menjelang Ica masuk kerja lagi...hueee! Kembali beruraian aer mata hkkhkhkhkkk! Sedih, kangen, panik, takut, sayang, bangga, terharu, semua jadi satu. Such a weirdo, I am :p Padahal waktu itu sih Ica-nya masih di depan mata. Tapi sedihnya udah ngga ketulungan. Dan bener kan, begitu ditinggal Ica ke kantor, Kukka nangis, aku nangis juga! Bedanya, Kukka nangis karena lapar, sementara ibunya keilangan bapanya... Ngga jelas banget wakakakak!!

Tadinya malu mau ngaku ke Ica, atau ke siapa pun :D Tapi ternyata temen-temenku juga ngalamin hal yang sama kok ;p Setelah sharing, malah jadi geli sendiri. Tanggapan Ica tentang “keanehanku” ini juga enak-enak aja. Malah jadi lebih perhatian, meskpun aku tetep ngerasa dinomorduakan setelah Kukka ;p Tapi yaaa....sudahlah hehehe...

I guess I should enjoy this “Ica Blues” while it lasts :)