Dear Kukka: Yes baby?

It's been 2 months since my last post. It's not like there's nothing worth writing for has happened. I was just not in the mood. But like always, you inspire me. Woohooo surprise (NOT!)! 😋 These last couple of days... I mean come on! There's no way I'm not going to write about it. Although most of the stuff we do have to keep it to ourselves, some I do want to put it in writing.

You know that it's been always my dream since forever to have a daughter. A version of Bapa & I combined, who later on can be the one I share personal things to. Good, bad, happy stuff, sad stuff, wishes, secrets, regrets. Absolutely about everything. Well maybe there are some stuff I should keep it to myself because it might hurt your feelings. Or probably even...damage you later on as an adult? 😂 But again... These last 2 years I'm watching you growing up to be a smart, intelligent preteen with super sensitive soul and a sharp mind. I mean... The things you say and comment about... And the questions you ask?!?! Man... I must confess many times you're giving me the chills, baby 😆 It's like you see right through me and there's nothing I can hide from you. Even the words you choose are PRECISE. Not those childish hints which are stupidly too easy to read. None are vague or dumb. As a matter of fact I think many times you're just pretending as if you don't know about some things. It's just because you want to ask me. You want to hear my opinions coming right out of my mouth straight to you. And this is exactly why I always want a daughter. I always want this kind of relationship. This is why I always wanted YOU.

Our conversations now cover various of more...may I say...sophisticated topics? Although silly ones are obviously still there 😏 Lots of topics just get more complicated for me to answer immediately. I have to ask you for some time so I can google first 😅 Better for me to confess that I'm clueless rather than giving you stupid and wrong answers. Right?!? Which in not so near future you will find out anyways and big chance you turn them into jokes to make me look silly. Like you and your beloved Bapa always do 😒 

Our girl talk usually happens before bedtime. When every task of the day is finished and we just lay down together on the bed. Waiting until the Sandman sprinkles his magical sand onto our eyes. Our conversation starts with you asking "Hey Bubu?" and I would smile to myself in the dark, answering "Yes baby?". Then there they are. The questions, the comments, the stories, the what ifs... Often followed by me gasping or holding my breath, thinking very hard how to satisfy your curiousity. I believe once I told myself not to be those kind of mothers who give answers to their children just for the sake of answering. I want to give you the right answers. I want to tell you the truth. Good or bad. Nothing is too gross. None is too innocent. I want to tell you things as it is. It will be quite difficult I pressume. Since you are a smart and sensitive kid. Now... The things I tell you might not as interesting as you hear from Bapa or as you expected them to be. But one thing for sure: they will be honest.

You do have to remember though, baby... It's been already 12 years but I'm still learning here. And I guess I will never stop learning how to be a good mother. Because I'm sure there will always be something new for me to learn. So cut me some slack if I make mistakes, okay? 😉 I'm also the one who you spend most of your time with. Yet it doesn't mean that you can rely on me like every second of the day. The things you can and cannot do are not up to me. It's all you. Although sadly that is not how most people would see. If a child cannot do things, it's always the mother who is to blame. Sad. I know. But that's just how it is. This topic once led to other questions such as how I would feel if you don't want to get married and what if you don't want to have children. I remember I had quite a chuckle before giving you my answers. 

Another update about you is that apparently now I also have to ask for your approval first before posting anything that has to do with you. Pictures, comments, stories, etc. Fair enough. You are not a baby anymore. 😊 Ugly pictures, embarassing stories, private moments and such can only be found in my diary. 😏 But then when the night comes... After our cuddling time and girl talk end... And I'm looking at your beautiful and peaceful sleeping face... At that moment I know for sure... That you will always be my baby. My one and only love of my life. My Baiyi. 😘😍

Dear Kukka: Give Me (More) Time

First I would like to thank you for making me laugh like crazy today. You said something that made me laugh so hard I had tears all over my face. I really couldn't stop! Not until I saw your expression started to change. I noticed that you looked... Sad if not upset. And fortunately just like that I remember when you told me that you didn't like it if somebody is laughing at you. Especially whenever you talk in Bahasa Indonesia. But wait! That's another story. Let me write about what just happened in the car this afternoon. 

When you were still in Kumon class I was checking your twitter account and I saw something funny posted by Majalah Bobo. I told myself "I'm gonna show this to Kukka!" and I did. But unfortunately I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. Seconds after I showed you the tweet, instead of commenting about it, you cringed and complained with a serious yet still very cute face: "I don't want to follow BOBO!" I was... I mean... I thought... I was like... My eyes got bigger, my mouth was opened wide and then I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I laughed sooo hard and soooo long! I really couldn't stop!!! By the time I managed to stop I asked you why you didn't want to follow Bobo. I told you that Bobo is a very nice magazine and that you can learn Bahasa Indonesia by reading it etc. Yet your expression didn't change and you kept saying "I don't want to follow Bobo!". After I managed to control myself, I opened your twitter account and unfollow Majalah Bobo right in front of you. Eventhough I am still in control of every social media account you have, I told you that I was sorry and that next time I will ask you first who you do want to follow. Anyways... Later on it got me thinking... I just realized (maybe for the gazzilionth times) that you, my baby girl, are not a baby anymore and I have to (learn to) accept it. Because you, obviously, don't want to be treated like one.

Now here I am, sitting on the dining chair, with my fingers on the keyboard and looking straight at you, my beautiful 9-going-on-10 year old girl. Today is the first day of fasting month and you spent the day without complaining. Well... You did mention that you could eat all the food on the table but no. Whining? A bit. But no. You didn't complain much. Now you're watching tv while having your all time favorite menu: spaghetti bolognese and broccoli. I can't help not to smile and feeling grateful. ALLAH SWT knows how much I love you, mein Schatz and I am very proud of you. That goes without saying. And it's quite difficult to accept the fact that now you prefer to watch some teenage-highschool serials instead of Pocoyo. That you really like to listen to adult songs on Mustang FM instead of watching Mickey-Minnie-Donald singing and dancing on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And the questions you ask me? I mean the adult-related questions? Dear god... I just can't believe it :)) But I guess I just have to learn harder to be a mother of a 9yo girl. A good friend of mine who has an older child told me that I should be prepared. Because the time will come when you, my precious, angelic kid of mine soon CAN and WILL make me angry, insulted or sad on daily basis. Well actually the time IS already here, isn't it? :)) There's one "drama" that got stucked in my head. You screamed to my face "You don't love me anymore!" and me sobbing on the floor like a lonely old lady? What happened? I don't remember and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a matter of life and death :)) But yeah... It already happened. Good thing Bapa wasn't there huh?! If he was, both of us could be "scolded and grounded" :)))

So yes.. Kukka... As a normal human being with all my limitations, can you please give Bubu more time to accept, to understand and to learn how to be a mother to a super smart, sensitive, beautiful inside-and-out girl like you? Because to be honest it's not easy, you know... Before satisfying your curiousity, I have to google or ask around first. Before giving you some motherly advices, I have to think really careful and really hard. Because I only want to tell you the right things. I only want to give you the best ones. And to do that, I need time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Maybe for as long as I shall live. So again... Give Bubu more time. Please?

Dear Kukka: About Religion...

First of all I would like to thank you, baby girl... It's been a long time since my last post. I don't know why but I really didn't have the desire or ideas to write. Not that there wasn't anything interesting going on... I assure you there's a lot! Especially having you and SiBapa by my side :)) Anyways now that "itch" on my fingers and brain is back. Thanks to you. And there's this thing I want to write about.

I can't exactly recall when this all begins but lately you've been asking me a lot of questions about religion. It's quite...surprising because before that you've been asking me a lot about sex. Now? Still but not that much :) First I thought it's because now is fasting month. But then I keep thinking... No. You've been asking me about religion even before the fasting month began. I think it all started because you were so lazy to shalat :)) And once I found out that you were lying to me. You said you already did shalat but I knew for a fact that you hadn't. I warned you not to lie to me again because eventually I would find out (I saw your mukena was still on the same position as before). I told you again that even if I didn't know that you were lying to me, ALLAH SWT would know. You asked me how. I said "Because ALLAH knows about absolutely everything. Before you even have THE INTENTION to lie to me, ALLAH already knows. ALLAH gave you free will, a very smart brain and a very pure heart to make the right decisions. So it's all up to you. Are you going to get points for doing the right things or commit sins for lying and cheating. Your call." You were absolutely in awe :))) Then you asked me about heaven and hell. How heaven looks like and what happens to humans in hell :))))

So yeah... Since then the questions keep on coming. Some made me laugh into tears & some were too difficult to answer. I even asked you for the chance to google first :)) Especially when you ask me about the surahs I read in the Al Quran and the stories about the prophets. I don't know if I ever asked my mom those kind of questions when I was 8 years old. Too bad I can't remember all of your epic questions but some, fortunately I do. Like the ones you asked me in the car today. While laying down on my lap, looking tired and hungry but still with curious eyes, you asked me: "Bubu, why does ALLAH tell us to fast?". I tried to give you a simple explanation. You listened to my explanation and nodded. You also asked me about Hindu, Buddha, Catholic, Protestant, Jesus and "Why does that god look like an elephant?". And after you saw the pictures, you insisted that Hindu's god is a woman. After a while when I thought you were sleeping, you asked "Bubu, if every religion has different god, it means that there's a lot of gods, right? So which god should we believe in? How do you even know that Islam is the right religion?"

I was like... Oh, baby!!! Isn't it too early to ask me these kind of questions??? On an empty stomach too!!! :)) I could even see the big grin Mas Ari had from the rearview mirror! At that time all I could was hugging and kissing you. But after giving you a simple answer, I reminded you again (and again and again) that you could come to me and ask me about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. That nothing is off limits between us. And if I don't have the answers yet, please give me time to think and to look for them. You said "Okay, Bubu. I love you. And I know that you love me too..." 

Yes, baby. Because that is what matters the most. And then we kissed and hugged...