Dear Kukka: You and Me

My baby, my beloved. My precious Godsend, my everything. 

It's been too long since my last rambling. If I should start again, why not now? 

And naturally, why shouldn't it be for and about us? 😚 

A lot of things have happened. Good and the worse. The unthinkable. The indespicable. I feel like I'm standing on hollow ground. Yet at the same time I'm floating here and there, not knowing whether I'm gonna land safely or shattered into pieces. I can see the broken glasses, filth and dirt. Every layer hurts so much it practically makes me feel nothing. As if everything just as it is, as it is, as is. Of course nothing is the same. I don't know what to say or how to feel or who to trust anymore but one. For this, I'm giving myself extra credit for still being able to find the unstained side of the dumpster. I can see without doubts that I have a bright side to hold on to. 

You 🥰 

Bebi... You and I are destined to enjoy this incredible ride together. Eversince love "flew" inside me and gave you life... ... Wait. That doesn't sound right but you get what I mean 😆 You and Bubu? We have each other's backs. You're my buffer. I'm your shield. You're my guardian angel. I'm your eternal protector. The fact that you are now a teenager makes it even better! Your sharp and annoying comments, your typical teenager Just-Leave-Me-Alone attitude, your I'm-gonna-shock-Bubu kind of questions aaaaaand our nightly super deep pillow talks... 😉 Every single thing makes our life, especially mine, better than greater. Probably 99% as I pictured it would be if I'm blessed with a daughter. Well I'm beyond blessed!! Although I must say that I'm still not physically and mentally prepared 😂 I mean like those arguments we had? The topics, the words, the physical gestures???? Practically taken out of Hollywood movies!!! 🤣 But like I said: This is why I always wanted and prayed for a daughter. My precious Godsend 🥰 

These past 13-going on 14 years have been one hell of a ride in every way. And Bubu surely is looking forward to many exciting years to come, as long as you're there. Bebi, I'll be right next to you. I love you 😘

Dear Kukka: Welcome To Teenhood!

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I look deep into your eyes and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I shower you with kisses and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I hug you tight and scream "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I whisper to your ears "I love you!"

Well guess what young lady?! Just because you're officially a teenager now it doesn't mean I will stop saying it. Ever. On the contrary I will say it again and again and again and again. Especially when you have a rough day at school, tough times with your friends and when you have your heart broken for the first time. I will definitely be here for you and say "I love you." a million times and more.

Happy 13th birthday my precious Godsend!

Have a blast being a teenager! 

Know your boundaries, keep your mind and body happy and healthy.

Enjoy life and be grateful!

Keep on blooming to be the most beautiful flower, inside and out.

Most importantly remember that you are my number one.

Forever and always.

Oh and like I always say:

"One day you'll understand."

I love you.

What is success?

A couple days ago I had a long talk with an old friend. We talked about our lives, before - now and then. About dreams, goals, achievements and...other stuff. Eventually the conversation lead to the magic word: success. What does it take so people will see you as a successful person? 

Does it involve a big well-paid job? Becoming an accomplished businessman/woman? Company owner? Celebrity? Charity worker? Start-ups owner? Instagram influencer or Youtuber with millions subscribers? Or looking at the current "trend": becoming a highly religious person? I bet most of you will say yes. Those are considered the successful ones. The ones who have "meaningful" lives. What about you? You agree?

Meanwhile way behind lots of closed doors in parts of the world, there are housewives who lay their heads low and bust their sweet asses off to take care of their hubsands, children, households and everything that comes with it. From the eyes of the "successful" ones, it doesn't seem much. Or even nothing! It's nothing to be proud of. What they have in their minds might be "What so special about being a housewife??? What's so difficult about it anyway! Especially if she has a maid! All she has to do is giving orders. Every woman can do it! I can do it!"

Can you? Really?

Can you deal with the pressure that if something is going wrong at home, then it's your fault? Unpaid bills, wrong choice of soap, untrimmed grass, out of stock cooking ingredients? Can you deal with the mean whispers that if your child grows up not as the big family expected she/he would be, then it's your mistake? Poor grades, lack of socializing, bad manners? The list still goes on and I haven't even mention anything about patience, strength, fortitude, acceptance, forgiveness, content, confidence? And don't forget in our circle something crucial belongs to the list: religious.

Oh come on! Lots of career women can and already achieved what you've put on those list, Farika! Oh really? I say: bullshit. Flaunt all those colorful accomplishments you said you've got. I don't buy it. Whether you like it or not, life is about making choices and nobody gets it all. Obviously there's nothing wrong by being a working mother. It's about knowing what you want in life. 

I've always knew I wanted to be a mother, specifically to a daughter. Those who are close to me probably still remember what I had to go through to become one, physically and mentally. Some even labeled me as a very tenacious person and a survivor. Well... I'd like to say I'm lucky. So when I've been finally blessed with what I've always wanted: why on earth I would "waste her away"???????

This month my beloved Godsend will turn 13. Time goes by so fast. Too fast! Kukka is already in junior high and "suddenly" she will move out from our house and has a life of her own. I would love to spend time with her as much as I can before that time comes. I would love to put her to bed and still have our girl talk. I'd die to be the one who she would trust to tell that she's in love for the first time or telling me what she wants to do with her life. I hope I will be the one who hug her when she's heartbroken. I would pray that God would give me more time so I can always be there for her. And when I do, that is what I would call a success. If Kukka does see me as her biggest part of her life, that would be my achievement, my success, my evidence that I have a meaningful life. 

But that's just me. What about you?

Dear Kukka: Yes baby?

It's been 2 months since my last post. It's not like there's nothing worth writing for has happened. I was just not in the mood. But like always, you inspire me. Woohooo surprise (NOT!)! 😋 These last couple of days... I mean come on! There's no way I'm not going to write about it. Although most of the stuff we do have to keep it to ourselves, some I do want to put it in writing.

You know that it's been always my dream since forever to have a daughter. A version of Bapa & I combined, who later on can be the one I share personal things to. Good, bad, happy stuff, sad stuff, wishes, secrets, regrets. Absolutely about everything. Well maybe there are some stuff I should keep it to myself because it might hurt your feelings. Or probably even...damage you later on as an adult? 😂 But again... These last 2 years I'm watching you growing up to be a smart, intelligent preteen with super sensitive soul and a sharp mind. I mean... The things you say and comment about... And the questions you ask?!?! Man... I must confess many times you're giving me the chills, baby 😆 It's like you see right through me and there's nothing I can hide from you. Even the words you choose are PRECISE. Not those childish hints which are stupidly too easy to read. None are vague or dumb. As a matter of fact I think many times you're just pretending as if you don't know about some things. It's just because you want to ask me. You want to hear my opinions coming right out of my mouth straight to you. And this is exactly why I always want a daughter. I always want this kind of relationship. This is why I always wanted YOU.

Our conversations now cover various of more...may I say...sophisticated topics? Although silly ones are obviously still there 😏 Lots of topics just get more complicated for me to answer immediately. I have to ask you for some time so I can google first 😅 Better for me to confess that I'm clueless rather than giving you stupid and wrong answers. Right?!? Which in not so near future you will find out anyways and big chance you turn them into jokes to make me look silly. Like you and your beloved Bapa always do 😒 

Our girl talk usually happens before bedtime. When every task of the day is finished and we just lay down together on the bed. Waiting until the Sandman sprinkles his magical sand onto our eyes. Our conversation starts with you asking "Hey Bubu?" and I would smile to myself in the dark, answering "Yes baby?". Then there they are. The questions, the comments, the stories, the what ifs... Often followed by me gasping or holding my breath, thinking very hard how to satisfy your curiousity. I believe once I told myself not to be those kind of mothers who give answers to their children just for the sake of answering. I want to give you the right answers. I want to tell you the truth. Good or bad. Nothing is too gross. None is too innocent. I want to tell you things as it is. It will be quite difficult I pressume. Since you are a smart and sensitive kid. Now... The things I tell you might not as interesting as you hear from Bapa or as you expected them to be. But one thing for sure: they will be honest.

You do have to remember though, baby... It's been already 12 years but I'm still learning here. And I guess I will never stop learning how to be a good mother. Because I'm sure there will always be something new for me to learn. So cut me some slack if I make mistakes, okay? 😉 I'm also the one who you spend most of your time with. Yet it doesn't mean that you can rely on me like every second of the day. The things you can and cannot do are not up to me. It's all you. Although sadly that is not how most people would see. If a child cannot do things, it's always the mother who is to blame. Sad. I know. But that's just how it is. This topic once led to other questions such as how I would feel if you don't want to get married and what if you don't want to have children. I remember I had quite a chuckle before giving you my answers. 

Another update about you is that apparently now I also have to ask for your approval first before posting anything that has to do with you. Pictures, comments, stories, etc. Fair enough. You are not a baby anymore. 😊 Ugly pictures, embarassing stories, private moments and such can only be found in my diary. 😏 But then when the night comes... After our cuddling time and girl talk end... And I'm looking at your beautiful and peaceful sleeping face... At that moment I know for sure... That you will always be my baby. My one and only love of my life. My Baiyi. 😘😍

Dear Kukka: Happy 12 & Welcome To SMP Pembangunan Jaya!

Well... I don't care how old you get. You will always be our SiBaiyi. 

Whose cheeks I kiss, sniff and bite every second every day. 

I will always hug you as tight as I can, 

and shower you with kisses no matter how annoyed or angry you get. 

You are a gift from above. Our precious godsend, forever and always. 

HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY! :*

Extra special things happened on this year's birthday. You received so many presents! SiBapa gave you that Nintendo thing including the game Animal Crossing which you've always wanted. By the way your reaction was priceless when we gave you the present. It turned out it's because you didn't expect it but you did know what it was. I guess the shape of the box gave it away huh?! :)) 

And then like it couldn't get any better, your uncles joined in and spoiled you to the max by sending you more presents! Uncle Ferry and Uncle Harry gave you Yooka-Laylee and Pokemon Shield to play with your new toy. Like I said "Dimanjaaaaa!" :p 

Anyways SiBapa and SiBubu also want to congratulate you for officially being a junior high student :) Congratulations! I bet it is going to be another adventurous year. Not only for you but also for SiBapa and SiBubu. Considering that you have to do practically everything from home because of this vicious virus... To tell you the truth I'm actually quite sad that you have to start your new phase of life this way. The "New Normal" way they say. Well I don't like it!! :( I like the NOT normal way. Wait. Or is it the old normal way? :)) Why? Well I would love for you to meet your new teachers in person and make new friends face to face. I would love to see you run around and explore your new school with those curious eyes of yours. I would love to hear your stories when you come home from school. Or even kissing the sweaty-smelly Kukka! Unfortunately everything has to be done via screen nowadays. Internet, cellphones, apps and computers etc. But if that's the best way to do than so be it. Better safe than sorry, right?

You being a 7th grader is a very big challenge for me too. SiBapa keeps reminding me for the gazzilionth times to leave you alone. To let you do your things on your own. To give you some space. To give you bigger responsibilities. He told me to stop nagging you to do your homeworks. SiBapa said I should not interfere with your daily school things. If you forget something, if you miss your assignments, if you get bad grades, if you get left behind, it will be on your hands. Not mine or Bapa's. And if that's what you deserve, than so be it. Tough? Yes. Mean? Well... Not really :)) It might feel and looks like it sometimes but... To put things short and simple just remember this: you reap what you sow. That "future consequences are inevitably shaped by present actions" - dictionary.com.

Life is an adventure and that is best lived boldy. 

So go have fun with your new teachers and friends, be grateful and polite, stay healthy and always be happy! 

I love you :*

Dear Kukka: Congratulations!

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GRADUATE!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!

After all those ups and downs, dramas, tears, laughters, frustrations, celebrations, tensions, surprises, adventures and everything in between in Sekolah Cikal Cilandak and Sekolah Alam Tangerang, you, my forever-baby-girl, are now off to the next level of your life: JUNIOR HIGH. 

Good God!!! 😅 I'm still having a tough time to believe it. No. To PRONOUNCE it even!!! To say it outloud whenever later on people ask me what grade you are in now. And I would answer "Oh my daughter in first grade...junior high!" 

Don't get me wrong. I'm obviously very happy and excited about it. But to tell you the truth, I'm also kinda nervous. I mean... Come on... You? In junior high? Considering what an adventurous and headstrong girl you are, I bet junior high will be...a blast? 😬 And as I wrote before on the previous post, your teacher, Bunda Rurie said: "Kukka memiliki keyakinan diri yang kuat dan tidak mudah diatur." 😂 Okay, okay, I'm such a drama queen but so what?!?!?! I AM YOUR MOTHER! It's God-given nature to feel and act this way toward your child. And it's totally normal for you to be annoyed and think "Argh! Okay! So what?!?" 😆 BUT!!! Like I've always said to you... 

One day, when you do have a child on your own, you will finally understand why I can't stop hugging and kissing you, why I get angry whenever you do things just for the sake of doing it when I know that you actually can do so much more, why I can't stop biting those smooth, beautiful yet thankfully still chunky long legs, and most of all why I'm having these mixed feelings about you going to the next level of your life. But for sure, babycakes, wherever you are, I'm very proud of and I'm with you all the way.

Ich liebe dich, Mein Ein und Alles. 😘

Thank You Sekolah Alam Tangerang

It's official. Our baby girl is an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GRADUATE. YEAY! :))

Kukka already received her certificate days ago. But this morning the kids, parents and teachers got together via Zoom and had a Lepas Kenang moment. It took quite an effort to get all families together on screen. When the families were ready every student had to say a few words about the time in Sekolah Alam Tangerang. Kukka prepared her speech just the night before. It was 16 sentences long and I must say I'm very proud of her :)

You can tell that Kukka was very serious when she wrote it. The speech was about her feelings as a new student in Sekolah Alam Tangerang, about her struggle, her likes and dislikes, even about the dramas when she had fights and said bad words at school :)) And yes, it was in Bahasa Indonesia and Kukka did it all by herself. Woohoo! That's another part which makes me, and very possibly also her teachers all proud and full of tears of...joy? :) Afterall they were the ones who patiently taught Kukka from Monday to Friday for 2 years. Bunda Rurie, Kukka's teacher also wrote a description of Kukka which I think is totally spot on :))

"Kukka anak yang suka menggambar. Kukka juga suka designing, animating dan drafting karena Kukka memiliki ide-ide imajinasi yang tinggi. Kukka memiliki keyakinan diri yang kuat dan tidak mudah diatur." -Bunda Rurie-

Well yeah... That's SiBapa's girl alright :)) Especially the "tidak mudah diatur" part. I wonder where she got it from :p Anyways personally it was also a very emotional moment for me. Not only because now I have to accept the fact that my kid is an elementary graduate. Practically a teenager. But also because I have to say goodbye to the mothers who have been so nice to me these past couple of years. The moms who have been very patient, very helpful, always reply my questions day and night, and obviously they are fun to be with. I can't even imagine how to get through Kelas 5 dan Kelas 6 without them. I really hope our friendship will last long :)

Finally I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the teachers in Sekolah Alam Tangerang. Because of you, Kukka has become a better person and hopefully everything she has learned in Sekolah Alam Tangerang will be a valuable asset for her future. Oh! And also thank you to Pak Amsari the school security man, who always greets me with a friendly hello and a wide smile :) 

And this is a video beautifully done by Bunda Audrey, Elang's mom. Text and narration by me (which SiBapa & Kukka don't believe at all that the voice-over is MY VOICE -_- )

Kukka Merantau II: To Desa Hanjeli

December 9 - 13th was quite an adventure for my beloved Godsend. And for me actually! It was Kukka's second outing and it was my first time ever being without her and not having any communication whatsoever for so long. This time the outing was called "Merantau II: The Harmonizer - Menjadi Generasi Yang Berani, Peduli dan Bermanfaat" The destination was to Desa Wisata Hanjeli 

Kukka's adventure started right after I dropped her off at school. As you may know by now, things in Sekolah Alam Tangerang is not easy. Travelling included. There was no fancy Full-AC busses or such. The kids and their mentors had to take trains, walked on their own carrying big and heavy backpacks, on-off angkots etc. It really was a tiring adventure. The actvities started very early in the mornings, doing fajr prayers and dzikir in the mosque. They even spent the first night in the mosque if I'm not mistaken. In Desa Hanjeli the kids did lots of activities which they couldn't do in the city. It was quite impressing and I was actually happy when I saw the pictures. I mean... In this adventure Kukka did things that she probably could never do if she's travelling with her parents. She actually stayed in the local villager's house. She learned how to play wayang golek. She went to turtles conservation. She had to use squating toilettes which she doesn't like :)) She planted Job's Tears or Biji Hanjeli. She made this snack which she called "rice crispies" but I think what she meant is rengginang :p Kukka also mentioned that in the village there were lots of chickens and dogs and that the dogs like to eat tempe :)) The most memorable moment for Kukka was when she visited the waterfall in Curug Sodong. She said it was very beautiful. Oh! And Kukka also made this beautiful necklace for me from scratch!

 

There are also lots of stories, funny ones, that are too secretive to share. It involved embarrassing moments that happened to some of her friends hence the secretive. "Don't write the name on your blog!" she said. :)) I asked Kukka how much she missed me. Very much and I cried, she said. Oh baby... I did too... I cried because I missed you so much and I didn't know for sure how you were. And I didn't hear your voice for THAT long!!! It was almost impossible. The maids, Dewi and Yuli always checked up on me. Especially in the evenings. They were really worried I would get seizures and such and because it did happened once or twice. I'm very thankful for having them around :) I did use the time when Kukka was away for my regular check up with dr. Rocksy, having lunch with friends and spent some me-times.

On the day the kids were coming, the moms were very busy preparing surprises. When we picked up the kids from school we made sure that there were no cars on the school parking lots. So the kids wouldn't know that their parents were actually there. Waiting to hug and kiss them like crazy. We decorated the hall, prepared lots of food for the kids etc. 

                                                                    

And when the kids showed up... Oh my... I couldn't hold my tears. I screamed my baby's name, hugged her soooo tight and cried. I was so happy that my baby was back in my arms healthy and happy. My baby looked fresh and healthy alhamdulillah. The only thing that was different was her skin which looked a bit darker. After lots of hugs and kisses I gave her a welcome home gift from SiBapa: 1,700 ROBUX! There's nothing else she would appreciate more. In fact Kukka was probably happier receiving those Robux than being squeezed by her SiBubu :))

Kukka Goes To Hanoi

So... It started with a phone call from a number I didn't recognized. I almost ignore it like I always do to unknown numbers. But this time I decided to take it. It turned out it was from Skaci, Kukka's computer course. The first thing that popped in my head was "Uh oh... What did she do?" :)) Skaci told me that Kukka was chosen to compete in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp 2019 in Hanoi along with Cloudine, another student from Skaci. I was like "...HUH...?" ASEAN??? Hanoi??? Kukka???" I asked her to repeat everything from the beginning. Slowly. :)) It took a bit of a time before I told Hubster about it. Because... Well... Kukka did win the Skaci Bintaro Cyber Kids 2 years in a row but I didn't expect this to happen. 

Anyways after that surprising phone call, the commotion began. Starting from discussing whether or not we should let Kukka go to Hanoi alone (with Cloudine & 1 Skaci chaperone) to finally deciding that I do have to come along with her to Vietnam. The (next) biggest problem was right on those dates when the event was held, August 12th - 15th, Hubster's schedule was packed. Really. I saw his timeline and there's no free time at all. Finding the right person to go with us was not an easy thing. Why not just me? Well... You know :) Or not? Well... There's always a possibility that I might get seizures like...anywhere? Plane. Hotel. Tourist sites. I could even get lost!!! I still get lost in the middle of my favorites malls for god sakes! This is so annoying -__- So yeah... I really had to have a chaperone of my own :)) Now... I can't really remember how this idea came and who had it first, but after lots of well-thought-out discussions Hubster and I finally decided that I should bring Dewi along to this trip. Yes. THAT Dewi. Our maid. She's been with us a long time now which means we can trust her. Dewi knows my condition and has experiences how to treat me if anything happens. She's smart, healthy and quick. Dewi also has great initiative to do this and that. Basically she was the best person to come along with me and Kukka to Hanoi. It was Hubster who told Dewi about the news. I don't really remember exactly what Hubster said but when he did Dewi surely was very surprised and obviously happy. Next was making a passport for Dewi since she didn't have one. I had the duty to find the best deals of airlines tickets and hotel. We decided to take the same planes, Singapore Airlines, and stayed at Melia Hanoi, the same hotel with the kids and Ibu Sofie, the chaperone from Skaci Pusat. And so the adventure began.

Day 1, August 12th

When we arrived in Hanoi a guy from the event picked us up and took us to Hotel Melia Hanoi. His name is difficult for us to pronounce and too hard for me to remember :)) But he is a very nice guy. The minute we all sat comfortably in the car he gave us a box of Vietnamese local cake. They look and feel sort of like mochi. But more colorful. Anyways... After exchanging phone numbers I finally understand the chaperone's name: Dan Le. But still. I couldn't pronounce it correctly. :)) On the way to the hotel we passed by some historical buildings and famous local places. Dan Le gave us informations just like a tourist guide would do. But I didn't pay too much attention because all I wanted was take a shower and just lay down on the bed. AND SLEEP!!! :)) Yes. Those were the first things I did when I finally got in the bedroom which I shared with Dewi. Kukka stayed in the same bedroom with Bu Sofie and Cloudine as she supposed to. I told Kukka again and again that the fact I was there shouldn't change a thing. That she should...pretend that I wasn't there. Just because I tagged along didn't mean that she could sleep in my bedroom and be with me all time. I told Kukka that me being there in Hanoi with her was for my (and her Bapa's) peace of mind. That...at least I was in the same city, the same time zone, the same country with her :)) Then after an evening stroll to a restaurant named Quan An Ngon and back to the hotel,  Dewi, Kukka and I decided to go to sleep. Because we needed it. Very much. Zzz....

Day 2, August 13th

Alhamdulillah I had a very good sleep. I don't think I woke up even once which I usually do since I'm taking the necessary pills. Then at 6am in the morning, when it was time for me to take my morning pills I heard "Selamat pagi Bu..." I almost jumped out of my bed!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT DEWI WAS ON THE OTHER BED NEXT TO MINE!!!! Dewi laughed and thought I was being hilarious. Well... The shock was real!!! :))) Then it was time for breakfast. My favorite moment. My baby and I met in the restaurant. She said she had a pretty okay night sleep :) BTW this was Dewi's first time enjoying breakfast buffet in a hotel. I told Dewi that she could eat whatever she wanted which was served on the buffet. She was like "Huh??? Ngga bayar Bu???" My mistake :) I didn't explain how things are working in a hotel. I guess it was because I assumed that everybody knows :D Minutes after I told her that everything is free, the food, the drinks, the dessert and other stuff, Dewi ate a lot! :)) She basically tried every single thing in the buffet, I had to remind her that we still had 3 more mornings/breakfast times. After breakfast I saw this lady on the Buffalo Tours tourist desk. Her name is Nham Thi Van and her english name is Lucy. Lucy is probably the first and only person in Hanoi who I can understand very well. Her english is excellent! Because I could understand her very well, after I booked a half-day trip to Ha Long Bay, I decided to ask Lucy about other tourist sites in Hanoi. Thanks to Lucy, Dewi and I finally had a tourist map! :)) She circled and written all the places that we should visit. Starting from the hotel and back. Meanwhile this day was Kukka's first day in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp in the hotel's Function Room. And since I already booked a tour for tomorrow, today was the only time Dewi and I could walk around the town and buy souvenirs. Most importantly Mom's wish: a handbag :) 

But first thing first: The Vietnamese Women's Museum. It's on my list and was worth every minute of it. After that Dewi and I went to the Red Bridge on Hoàn Kiem Lake. 

The park was beautiful but the weather was too damn hot for me to be on the famous bridge. And there were too many people taking pictures on it. Just looking at the crowd made me dizzy already. So I took some pictures with the red bridge as the background. Just for the sake of having a proof that I was at least NEAR that bridge. Right??? Right???? :)) I took some time to relax on the park bench right next to Hoan Kiem Lake, enjoying the shade under the trees, looking at the people here and there. It was really nice. I think I even managed to snooze a little bit. I can't really remember where Dewi was. I think she did manage to be on the bridge after I told her to go. She made sure I was okay  and bought me a sausage stick for snack. Then the journey continued. It was already noon and I thought it was time to look for some souvenirs. So we went to this area which is apparently quite famous for buying souvenirs. Luong Van Chan Street. I walked passed lots of souvenirs shops but none of them felt right. For example, shop A is too expensive while I considered shop B's owner to be rude. Why rude? Well... I don't want to spend my money in a shop where the owner just sit around on a leaning chair, sweating and "offered" me by pointing the stuff with words that I couldn't understand. She didn't even bother to stand up. No thank you. So I continued to walk and walk again with sweat all over my body. After about 3-4 shops I finally found this souvenir shop which has nice goods and most importantly the young lady in the shop was polite and friendly. After I looked around and finally set my heart on cute notebooks for Kukka's friends and a gorgeous handbag for Mom, it was time to bargain. The bargaining was quite tough because of the language. It was hilarious too. The three of us, the shop lady, Dewi and me used everything to be able to communicate with each other. English, Bahasa Indonesia, Bahasa Sunda, Bahasa Jawa, Vietnamese, Google Translator, fingers, hand gestures, drawings, calculator... :)))) At the end, the young lady gave up :))) I got everything I wanted and didn't have to spend too much. At least not as much as if I went to other souvenir shops. Finally my heart was at ease so I decided to go back to the hotel. After all... The next day would be Ha Long Bay. I needed all the energy I could have. I even ordered room service for dinner so I wouldn't have to move my butt :))

Day 3, August 14th
While the girls were getting ready to impress everybody with their presentation, my destination was Ha Long Bay. Ah yes... The second you hear that name you'll be thinking of this beautiful place ALLAH has created. To be honest I was a bit worried because I did read here and there that Ha Long Bay now is not as beautiful as it used to be. That there's a lot trash in the water etc. But... When I got there........ WOW. I said good luck and goodbye to Kukka and Cloudine then I got into a luxury bus from Buffalo Tours with Dewi. The bus was full of tourists #DUH. Mostly old couples. The guide's name was... Well... I only remember his english name: Ben. Ben's english is very good. Very understandable :) He's funny too. Ben explained almost every historical building we passed by. The first stop was the pearl farm on the way to the harbour. Ha Long Pearl. OH. MY. GOD. The pearls....... EXQUISITE!!!!! I really wanted them all!!!! Even the smallest one caught my eyes but of course they're very expensive. Even the tiniest earrings cost about... Oh nevermind :)) And so the journey continued. Next destination was the harbour. We got into a cruise ship, one of Genesis Cruise. I recommend it. Worth every penny. Seriously. Anyways... Our cruise stopped at Hang Luón or Luon Cave and it was time for kayaking. Yes. :)) At first I hesitated because it was a medium-sized kayak (10 adults) but then I thought "I'M HERE!!! MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT!". I got in with Dewi and 7 other passengers from the Genesis Cruise and 1 kayaker. We caused quite a ruckus when we got into the kayak. It turned out it wasn't that easy!!! The kayak kept swaying left and right everytime a passenger stepped it. And all of us screamed like it was the end of the world :)) Ben said some passengers did fall down into the water and that story certainly didn't make us feel any better :)) Then we all finally sat down and the kayak moved slowly. All of us listened to Ben carefully and enjoyed the breathtaking view. The kayak moved in to Surprise Cave. When we were in the cave I wondered how it would be like to spend the night inside :D Then we passed by The Monkey Island. It was beautiful AND funny. Why? Well... First of all it's beautiful because the island itself is full of lush trees in the middle of serene water. It's stunning. Aaaaaand theeeen... The monkeys! They were just...there. Minding their own business. I saw a mother with her baby. Then there were these 2 monkeys hanging from the trees. The funniest part of it was the fact that it felt more like they're the one who are watching us. Not the other way around :)) It's like "Oh hey! Humans!!! Aaaawww..." :))) 

Next was Ti Top Island where you can climb on 400 stairs and if you get to the top of the island you can get the best view down into Ha Long Bay. You CAN. Me? I COULDN'T :)) I caused quite a ruckus here. Before we got out of the cruise Ben already warned us about the 400 stairs that we have to climb to get up. He also reminded us about the heat. So if you think you couldn't make it, just stay in the cruise, enjoy the cold drink and wait for us, he said. Dewi reminded me to think it through. I felt...challenged? I said again and again that I could make it. I would just walk slowly and take my time, I said. Dewi gave up. I think not only she was worried that something might happen to me, but also IF something happened, she would be the one who is responsible for it :)) So yeah... I joined the others and took about 5 steps on the steep stairs. Did I tell you that the weather was very very hot??? Yeah... Okay. 5 stairs more or less. Then I started to shiver. My eyes were blurry and my hands were shaking. Still I thought I could make it. But then my sane self warned me something like "Hey you! If you keep doing this and somewhere in the middle of these steep stairs you get a seizure... You are a danger to other people. You fall down, the person behind you will be next and so on. There are old people here. Think about them" ................. I gave up. I told Dewi I would wait for her in the ship. As if walking back down the stairs didn't already cause a lot of trouble... Our cruise ship already got off the dock because it would be harbouring on the other side of the island!!! It took Ben, the people on the harbour, a very loud speaker and the people on the cruise to come back just to pick me up. Sorry guys... :D Oh yes! Did I already say that IT WAS VERY VERY HOT?????? :D When I got back in the cruise ship the first thing the crew did was giving me a wet towel :D GOD! At that moment all I could think about was the bathtub back at the hotel. But the experience was totally worth every drop of sweat. So while Dewi and the rest of the gang were "fried" outside, some old couples and I were enjoying cold drinks and leaning on comfortable seats. I don't know how long it took until they came back looking like they just got beaten up by sunrays LOL!!! Dewi kept saying that it was the best decision for me to go back to the ship. By the way the most annoying part of this whole trip was the lack of communication I had with Kukka. Although I already connected to the local operator, the signal was bad. All the time I was having fun I also couldn't stop thinking about my baby back in the city. After all... Today was Judging Day....  

And theeeeen finally at 16:05 I received the news from Ibu Sofie - Skaci. "Alhamdulillah dapat SILVER". WOW!!! I was sooooo surprised and obviously proud! I mean... The fact that Kukka was chosen to be one of the kids who represent Indonesia in this event was already a big prize itself. I didn't expect her and Cloudine to win an award. Not to mention Silver!!! Ibu Sofie called and I spoke with Kukka on then phone. She sounded very happy and I think the first thing she asked me was "Are you proud of me?" My precious Godsend :* I couldn't wait to go back to the hotel and shower my baby with kisses. After taking a long bath of course :D So yeah... When Dewi and I finally got back to the hotel, my baby came to my room. I hugged and kissed her like crazy! And of course. The most important part of this winning thing was the fact that if she won any prizes, her beloved Bapa would buy her Robux -_- She reminded me again and again about this. #SIGH 

Anyways since it was the last night in Hanoi, I decided to get an extra bed for Dewi and pushed the twin beds together so that Kukka could sleep with me. While I decided to stay in the room and rest, Dewi asked for permission to go out. She said "Kapan lagi Buu..." :)) I think she came back around 11pm. We flew back to Jakarta the next day and alhamdulillah we arrived at home safe and sound. Healthy and happy :) 

Dear Kukka: HAPPY ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Eleven years ago an angel came down to brighten our life up.

Beautiful, caring, funny, mischievous and smart.

All lightness that can make the gloomiest heart instantly bright.

Along with a pack of toughness to make everything just right.

Her curiousity turns every day an adventure.

Lots of questions about this and that.

Loads of opinions about who, why, when, where and what.

One thing is certain because it has always been there and will forever stay.

It's our endless love for this blossoming flower.

Our precious Godsend.

Our Kukka Aiko Farza.

Dear Kukka: Live It Loud!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Today you're officially one of Sekolah Alam Tangerang's 6th graders! One of the big kids. 5th grade was quite a ride. It surely did have its ups and downs. Now Bapa and Bubu are looking forward to join the ride with you on the last grade of elementary school. Am I worried? To tell you the truth, yes :)) But I have faith in you. As long as you keep your promise not to be lazy, pay attention and ... Well just read this post again! Dear Kukka: Please Learn Your Lesson. You know what things I want to say. Bapa will probably add some more later. In private.

Anyways, being a 6th grader (and tomorrow 11 years old tween, In shã Allãh!!) will have its differences, more or less. Surely you will have more responsibilities, from - at school, surrounding and home. This might sound cliché but just be the best of yourself and show it to everybody that you do enjoy the ride! Ask questions when you have doubts and confusions. Share your happiness and help others who need it. Have lots of friends inside and outside the school and do spend time with them. Be nice and always be polite to your teachers. Be brave and don't be scared to be different. Live the life you're excited about. Have goals and try your best to reach them. 

And baby, remember this. Most importantly you always have me. To get some answers, to share your feelings, to show your excitements or just to be with. No words needed. Ich liebe Dich, Mein Ein und Alles. Good luck and have fun! 

Why I Don't Tell Kukka That She's Pretty (Very Often)

And even if I do, I always tell her only after I say prayers in her ears. That she will grow up to be a shalihah woman, healthy, smart, generous, and more. Last I say to Kukka that I hope she will grow up to be a beautiful woman, inside and outside. Usually I say it to her in Sundanese, more or less like this: 

"Sing shalihah ya neeeeeng! Sing pinter, sehat cantik lahir batin yaaaa!" 

I do this every day, almost every time whenever I have the chance.. Why? Because I believe in a mother's prayers for her child. And then I would shower Kukka with kisses until she becomes majorly annoyed and runs away :)) It gets harder by the day though. Since she's becoming bigger, stronger, taller and already has that preteen attitude. Yeah... Kukka already considers my hugs and kisses are bothering.

So... Why don't I tell Kukka that she's pretty very often? Well... First of all I don't want her to grow up to be the kind of woman who thinks that she's so pretty and then behave like a pompous bitch. In Bahasa Indonesia we say it "Sok kecakepan". :)) I also don't want Kukka to think that appearance is everything. I do remind her to take good care of herself, like physically. I always remind her to brush her teeth really well so her mouth won't smell. I remind Kukka to take a shower every day. While having our girls talk, I (still) brush Kukka's hair before bed. I said it'll make her hair healthy and shiny. But I always tell Kukka that being kind and polite will make her even more beautiful.

Lots of my friends or even strangers say to me that I have a beautiful daughter. I just smile and say thank you. Am I proud? Well of course! What kind of mother would I be if I'm not proud to have a pretty daughter?!? The most recent comment about Kukka is from the school. Ever since Kukka got into Sekolah Alam Tangerang she gets teased a lot by the boys. Especially the 6th graders. Kukka doesn't like it. She hates it so much she even gets into fights with them. Hitting the boys with a broom until it broke, coming home crying, looking angry with red puffy eyes. I asked the school what happened. One of their explanations was because Kukka is a new student and she's pretty. So she's an "easy target". The It Girl :)) When the teachers told me and SiBapa, we didn't say anything. We just kept listening to the teacher. I did take a glimpse at SiBapa's face. It was flat. No proud smile or any kind. I smiled and even laughed a bit. In my heart. Not because of the teacher's story. It's because of SiBapa's face! FYI SiBapa is not the kind of person who easily gives praises. Not even to his only daughter. And in this special case I know why. We have the same reasons. And maybe he has more.

Being ungenerous with praises does has its own price though. Especially now that she's in her preteen age, Kukka is becoming even more sensitive and moody. Many times, like out of nowhere, she would come to me and asks "Bubu, do you think I'm pretty?" or "Bubu, do I look beautiful wearing this?" or "Bubu, how do I look? Do I look cute?". Again. I would answer her questions with hugs and kisses and I-love-yous. Sometimes it makes me kind of sad and feel guilty. But again, I answer her questions with prayers, encouragements, hugs and kisses. Aaaaand of course like always, there's a lot of I-love-yous involved :)

I've personally seen and heard stories what lack of love and compassion, physically and verbally, can do to a child. Kukka is my everything. She is Mein Ein und Alles. She is my Precious Godsend. I would take a bullet for her. But again, everything doesn't mean spoiling her like crazy with physical praises and giving her every single thing that she wants. Maybe one day Kukka will blame me for being stingy of praises like this. But one thing for sure, as she gets maturer and smarter, Kukka will be grateful that she has tough parents. Not exactly the best. But SiBapa and SiBubu are pretty...okay? Right, baby girl? :)    

Just Another Chapter In Being Parents

Let me take a deeeeeeeep loooooong breath, iiiiiin & out...........................................................................................................

Okay. I'm ready. So here's the story. The last couple of weeks have been stressful & very tough for the three of us: Hubster, Kukka & I. Why? Well... Some of you who know us (quite well) must notice (by now) that we are the kind of family who like to do things... Differently and mostly without any planning in advance :)) The latest unplanned "thing" is about Kukka's education. Which iiiiiiiiis: to move Kukka to another school. Yes. You read that right. Kukka doesn't go to Sekolah Cikal Cilandak anymore. The school she had been going since she was in Kindergarten (Junior & Reception Year). Why so sudden??? Right when Year 5 just started & there's only 1 year left? Well... There are lots of reasons. 

But if you ask Hubster why, his answer is simple & consistent: SiBapa wants his beloved baby girl to be happy & have fun :) He wants Kukka to enjoy her childhood & do things that she loves. Of course without neglecting the Must-Study subjects like...math :p Yes, Kukka. You still have to STUDY FRACTIONS EVERYDAY! Me? I totally agree with my husband. So after a long & well-thought-out discussions, we started to look for schools especially that are closer to home. It was very difficult. Especially because lots of schools don't accept new student anymore since the new semester has began. Kukka already missed 1-2 weeks of studying. Also there are many schools which don't accept new kids anymore because they already reached their quota. Fortunately though there were schools that still have seats & are able to accept Kukka as their new student. BUT of course, nothing is THAT simple. Kukka had to take some tests: english, math & Bahasa Indonesia. .............. Yeah :D It was totally predictable in which subject Kukka received a low score. Yes. Bahasa Indonesia. :D It's funny to think that at first Hubster & I were more worried about Kukka's math. That's why Hubster gave her a private "intensive math course" at home with the motto:

(MATEMATIKA MATEMATIAN - MATH TO DEATH)

As you probably can predict from the picture above, there were tears but also laughters during this course. Kukka said her beloved Bapa is better in math & explaining things than me but he is very scary :)) Oh yes girl! I bet lots of people who knows your dad will totally agree with you :))) But everything paid off. Kukka's math is getting better. Thanks to her beloved SiBapa. Meanwhile I am in charge in teaching Kukka Bahasa Indonesia. This is not easy for me because I'm never good in teaching. Hell in some cases I'm not even good in explaining simple stuff!! :)) And since I got sick, there are 3 languages that mixed together in my brain: Bahasa Indonesia, english & german. Sometimes even sundanese!!!! Many times I have to struggle to stick to 1 language while talking to other people. It's easy when I speak in Bahasa Indonesia AND english because most of my family & friends speak english too. But not many of them speak german! So it's easier for me to chat through apps than to talk face-to-face because I have the chance to look up in the german-english dictionary first! :)))

Now back to Kukka! 

Alhamdulillah after Kukka went through observations & trials at potential schools & SiBubu spending lots of sleepless nights, finally on Friday, July 27th, I received a message that Kukka is accepted in Sekolah Alam Tangerang. For you who don't know & curious about SAT, just click on the link. The second we got the message, Hubster & I were sooooo relieved & obviously grateful. Because unlike Kukka, who btw IS THE ONE who DIDN'T HAVE any school at that time, was totally cool about it -_- She was just like "Yeay! I got in Sekolah Alam!" and then back doing her own thing. Kids nowadays. Unbelievable. Well... Kukka was actually more worried about my condition rather than hers. She was worried because I was very stressed out & many times she saw my hands shaking uncontrollably. I even had diarrhea for days!!! :))

Aaaaaaaaand of course not long after I received the news that Kukka is accepted in SAT, other schools sent me messages too. Guess what? Kukka is accepted. Yup. Life likes to have fun with your...life!!! :))) First you're sooo stressed out that your kid might not get accepted in ANY school. The next second you're confused about how to write a polite & friendly Thank-You-But-No-Thanks note to decline others. But thankfully the other schools were nice & understanding. Thank you very much :)

Now here we are... The Ica Lawendatus. Ready for a new adventure. Because in SAT apparently the parents are expected to be very involved. Once a month, on a Sunday, parents have to come to school to know how their kids are doing. No excuses. This is going to be very interesting. Right Bapa??? :)))

As to you, my precious Godsend, congratulations! Have fun in learning at your new school & be a good girl :*

-Kukka ready for her first day of school at SAT- 

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you