Dear Kukka: You and Me

My baby, my beloved. My precious Godsend, my everything. 

It's been too long since my last rambling. If I should start again, why not now? 

And naturally, why shouldn't it be for and about us? 😚 

A lot of things have happened. Good and the worse. The unthinkable. The indespicable. I feel like I'm standing on hollow ground. Yet at the same time I'm floating here and there, not knowing whether I'm gonna land safely or shattered into pieces. I can see the broken glasses, filth and dirt. Every layer hurts so much it practically makes me feel nothing. As if everything just as it is, as it is, as is. Of course nothing is the same. I don't know what to say or how to feel or who to trust anymore but one. For this, I'm giving myself extra credit for still being able to find the unstained side of the dumpster. I can see without doubts that I have a bright side to hold on to. 

You 🥰 

Bebi... You and I are destined to enjoy this incredible ride together. Eversince love "flew" inside me and gave you life... ... Wait. That doesn't sound right but you get what I mean 😆 You and Bubu? We have each other's backs. You're my buffer. I'm your shield. You're my guardian angel. I'm your eternal protector. The fact that you are now a teenager makes it even better! Your sharp and annoying comments, your typical teenager Just-Leave-Me-Alone attitude, your I'm-gonna-shock-Bubu kind of questions aaaaaand our nightly super deep pillow talks... 😉 Every single thing makes our life, especially mine, better than greater. Probably 99% as I pictured it would be if I'm blessed with a daughter. Well I'm beyond blessed!! Although I must say that I'm still not physically and mentally prepared 😂 I mean like those arguments we had? The topics, the words, the physical gestures???? Practically taken out of Hollywood movies!!! 🤣 But like I said: This is why I always wanted and prayed for a daughter. My precious Godsend 🥰 

These past 13-going on 14 years have been one hell of a ride in every way. And Bubu surely is looking forward to many exciting years to come, as long as you're there. Bebi, I'll be right next to you. I love you 😘

Dear Kukka: Welcome To Teenhood!

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I look deep into your eyes and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I shower you with kisses and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I hug you tight and scream "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I whisper to your ears "I love you!"

Well guess what young lady?! Just because you're officially a teenager now it doesn't mean I will stop saying it. Ever. On the contrary I will say it again and again and again and again. Especially when you have a rough day at school, tough times with your friends and when you have your heart broken for the first time. I will definitely be here for you and say "I love you." a million times and more.

Happy 13th birthday my precious Godsend!

Have a blast being a teenager! 

Know your boundaries, keep your mind and body happy and healthy.

Enjoy life and be grateful!

Keep on blooming to be the most beautiful flower, inside and out.

Most importantly remember that you are my number one.

Forever and always.

Oh and like I always say:

"One day you'll understand."

I love you.

Dear Kukka: Yes baby?

It's been 2 months since my last post. It's not like there's nothing worth writing for has happened. I was just not in the mood. But like always, you inspire me. Woohooo surprise (NOT!)! 😋 These last couple of days... I mean come on! There's no way I'm not going to write about it. Although most of the stuff we do have to keep it to ourselves, some I do want to put it in writing.

You know that it's been always my dream since forever to have a daughter. A version of Bapa & I combined, who later on can be the one I share personal things to. Good, bad, happy stuff, sad stuff, wishes, secrets, regrets. Absolutely about everything. Well maybe there are some stuff I should keep it to myself because it might hurt your feelings. Or probably even...damage you later on as an adult? 😂 But again... These last 2 years I'm watching you growing up to be a smart, intelligent preteen with super sensitive soul and a sharp mind. I mean... The things you say and comment about... And the questions you ask?!?! Man... I must confess many times you're giving me the chills, baby 😆 It's like you see right through me and there's nothing I can hide from you. Even the words you choose are PRECISE. Not those childish hints which are stupidly too easy to read. None are vague or dumb. As a matter of fact I think many times you're just pretending as if you don't know about some things. It's just because you want to ask me. You want to hear my opinions coming right out of my mouth straight to you. And this is exactly why I always want a daughter. I always want this kind of relationship. This is why I always wanted YOU.

Our conversations now cover various of more...may I say...sophisticated topics? Although silly ones are obviously still there 😏 Lots of topics just get more complicated for me to answer immediately. I have to ask you for some time so I can google first 😅 Better for me to confess that I'm clueless rather than giving you stupid and wrong answers. Right?!? Which in not so near future you will find out anyways and big chance you turn them into jokes to make me look silly. Like you and your beloved Bapa always do 😒 

Our girl talk usually happens before bedtime. When every task of the day is finished and we just lay down together on the bed. Waiting until the Sandman sprinkles his magical sand onto our eyes. Our conversation starts with you asking "Hey Bubu?" and I would smile to myself in the dark, answering "Yes baby?". Then there they are. The questions, the comments, the stories, the what ifs... Often followed by me gasping or holding my breath, thinking very hard how to satisfy your curiousity. I believe once I told myself not to be those kind of mothers who give answers to their children just for the sake of answering. I want to give you the right answers. I want to tell you the truth. Good or bad. Nothing is too gross. None is too innocent. I want to tell you things as it is. It will be quite difficult I pressume. Since you are a smart and sensitive kid. Now... The things I tell you might not as interesting as you hear from Bapa or as you expected them to be. But one thing for sure: they will be honest.

You do have to remember though, baby... It's been already 12 years but I'm still learning here. And I guess I will never stop learning how to be a good mother. Because I'm sure there will always be something new for me to learn. So cut me some slack if I make mistakes, okay? 😉 I'm also the one who you spend most of your time with. Yet it doesn't mean that you can rely on me like every second of the day. The things you can and cannot do are not up to me. It's all you. Although sadly that is not how most people would see. If a child cannot do things, it's always the mother who is to blame. Sad. I know. But that's just how it is. This topic once led to other questions such as how I would feel if you don't want to get married and what if you don't want to have children. I remember I had quite a chuckle before giving you my answers. 

Another update about you is that apparently now I also have to ask for your approval first before posting anything that has to do with you. Pictures, comments, stories, etc. Fair enough. You are not a baby anymore. 😊 Ugly pictures, embarassing stories, private moments and such can only be found in my diary. 😏 But then when the night comes... After our cuddling time and girl talk end... And I'm looking at your beautiful and peaceful sleeping face... At that moment I know for sure... That you will always be my baby. My one and only love of my life. My Baiyi. 😘😍

Dear Kukka: Happy 12 & Welcome To SMP Pembangunan Jaya!

Well... I don't care how old you get. You will always be our SiBaiyi. 

Whose cheeks I kiss, sniff and bite every second every day. 

I will always hug you as tight as I can, 

and shower you with kisses no matter how annoyed or angry you get. 

You are a gift from above. Our precious godsend, forever and always. 

HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY! :*

Extra special things happened on this year's birthday. You received so many presents! SiBapa gave you that Nintendo thing including the game Animal Crossing which you've always wanted. By the way your reaction was priceless when we gave you the present. It turned out it's because you didn't expect it but you did know what it was. I guess the shape of the box gave it away huh?! :)) 

And then like it couldn't get any better, your uncles joined in and spoiled you to the max by sending you more presents! Uncle Ferry and Uncle Harry gave you Yooka-Laylee and Pokemon Shield to play with your new toy. Like I said "Dimanjaaaaa!" :p 

Anyways SiBapa and SiBubu also want to congratulate you for officially being a junior high student :) Congratulations! I bet it is going to be another adventurous year. Not only for you but also for SiBapa and SiBubu. Considering that you have to do practically everything from home because of this vicious virus... To tell you the truth I'm actually quite sad that you have to start your new phase of life this way. The "New Normal" way they say. Well I don't like it!! :( I like the NOT normal way. Wait. Or is it the old normal way? :)) Why? Well I would love for you to meet your new teachers in person and make new friends face to face. I would love to see you run around and explore your new school with those curious eyes of yours. I would love to hear your stories when you come home from school. Or even kissing the sweaty-smelly Kukka! Unfortunately everything has to be done via screen nowadays. Internet, cellphones, apps and computers etc. But if that's the best way to do than so be it. Better safe than sorry, right?

You being a 7th grader is a very big challenge for me too. SiBapa keeps reminding me for the gazzilionth times to leave you alone. To let you do your things on your own. To give you some space. To give you bigger responsibilities. He told me to stop nagging you to do your homeworks. SiBapa said I should not interfere with your daily school things. If you forget something, if you miss your assignments, if you get bad grades, if you get left behind, it will be on your hands. Not mine or Bapa's. And if that's what you deserve, than so be it. Tough? Yes. Mean? Well... Not really :)) It might feel and looks like it sometimes but... To put things short and simple just remember this: you reap what you sow. That "future consequences are inevitably shaped by present actions" - dictionary.com.

Life is an adventure and that is best lived boldy. 

So go have fun with your new teachers and friends, be grateful and polite, stay healthy and always be happy! 

I love you :*

Dear Kukka: Congratulations!

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GRADUATE!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!

After all those ups and downs, dramas, tears, laughters, frustrations, celebrations, tensions, surprises, adventures and everything in between in Sekolah Cikal Cilandak and Sekolah Alam Tangerang, you, my forever-baby-girl, are now off to the next level of your life: JUNIOR HIGH. 

Good God!!! 😅 I'm still having a tough time to believe it. No. To PRONOUNCE it even!!! To say it outloud whenever later on people ask me what grade you are in now. And I would answer "Oh my daughter in first grade...junior high!" 

Don't get me wrong. I'm obviously very happy and excited about it. But to tell you the truth, I'm also kinda nervous. I mean... Come on... You? In junior high? Considering what an adventurous and headstrong girl you are, I bet junior high will be...a blast? 😬 And as I wrote before on the previous post, your teacher, Bunda Rurie said: "Kukka memiliki keyakinan diri yang kuat dan tidak mudah diatur." 😂 Okay, okay, I'm such a drama queen but so what?!?!?! I AM YOUR MOTHER! It's God-given nature to feel and act this way toward your child. And it's totally normal for you to be annoyed and think "Argh! Okay! So what?!?" 😆 BUT!!! Like I've always said to you... 

One day, when you do have a child on your own, you will finally understand why I can't stop hugging and kissing you, why I get angry whenever you do things just for the sake of doing it when I know that you actually can do so much more, why I can't stop biting those smooth, beautiful yet thankfully still chunky long legs, and most of all why I'm having these mixed feelings about you going to the next level of your life. But for sure, babycakes, wherever you are, I'm very proud of and I'm with you all the way.

Ich liebe dich, Mein Ein und Alles. 😘

Kukka Goes To Hanoi

So... It started with a phone call from a number I didn't recognized. I almost ignore it like I always do to unknown numbers. But this time I decided to take it. It turned out it was from Skaci, Kukka's computer course. The first thing that popped in my head was "Uh oh... What did she do?" :)) Skaci told me that Kukka was chosen to compete in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp 2019 in Hanoi along with Cloudine, another student from Skaci. I was like "...HUH...?" ASEAN??? Hanoi??? Kukka???" I asked her to repeat everything from the beginning. Slowly. :)) It took a bit of a time before I told Hubster about it. Because... Well... Kukka did win the Skaci Bintaro Cyber Kids 2 years in a row but I didn't expect this to happen. 

Anyways after that surprising phone call, the commotion began. Starting from discussing whether or not we should let Kukka go to Hanoi alone (with Cloudine & 1 Skaci chaperone) to finally deciding that I do have to come along with her to Vietnam. The (next) biggest problem was right on those dates when the event was held, August 12th - 15th, Hubster's schedule was packed. Really. I saw his timeline and there's no free time at all. Finding the right person to go with us was not an easy thing. Why not just me? Well... You know :) Or not? Well... There's always a possibility that I might get seizures like...anywhere? Plane. Hotel. Tourist sites. I could even get lost!!! I still get lost in the middle of my favorites malls for god sakes! This is so annoying -__- So yeah... I really had to have a chaperone of my own :)) Now... I can't really remember how this idea came and who had it first, but after lots of well-thought-out discussions Hubster and I finally decided that I should bring Dewi along to this trip. Yes. THAT Dewi. Our maid. She's been with us a long time now which means we can trust her. Dewi knows my condition and has experiences how to treat me if anything happens. She's smart, healthy and quick. Dewi also has great initiative to do this and that. Basically she was the best person to come along with me and Kukka to Hanoi. It was Hubster who told Dewi about the news. I don't really remember exactly what Hubster said but when he did Dewi surely was very surprised and obviously happy. Next was making a passport for Dewi since she didn't have one. I had the duty to find the best deals of airlines tickets and hotel. We decided to take the same planes, Singapore Airlines, and stayed at Melia Hanoi, the same hotel with the kids and Ibu Sofie, the chaperone from Skaci Pusat. And so the adventure began.

Day 1, August 12th

When we arrived in Hanoi a guy from the event picked us up and took us to Hotel Melia Hanoi. His name is difficult for us to pronounce and too hard for me to remember :)) But he is a very nice guy. The minute we all sat comfortably in the car he gave us a box of Vietnamese local cake. They look and feel sort of like mochi. But more colorful. Anyways... After exchanging phone numbers I finally understand the chaperone's name: Dan Le. But still. I couldn't pronounce it correctly. :)) On the way to the hotel we passed by some historical buildings and famous local places. Dan Le gave us informations just like a tourist guide would do. But I didn't pay too much attention because all I wanted was take a shower and just lay down on the bed. AND SLEEP!!! :)) Yes. Those were the first things I did when I finally got in the bedroom which I shared with Dewi. Kukka stayed in the same bedroom with Bu Sofie and Cloudine as she supposed to. I told Kukka again and again that the fact I was there shouldn't change a thing. That she should...pretend that I wasn't there. Just because I tagged along didn't mean that she could sleep in my bedroom and be with me all time. I told Kukka that me being there in Hanoi with her was for my (and her Bapa's) peace of mind. That...at least I was in the same city, the same time zone, the same country with her :)) Then after an evening stroll to a restaurant named Quan An Ngon and back to the hotel,  Dewi, Kukka and I decided to go to sleep. Because we needed it. Very much. Zzz....

Day 2, August 13th

Alhamdulillah I had a very good sleep. I don't think I woke up even once which I usually do since I'm taking the necessary pills. Then at 6am in the morning, when it was time for me to take my morning pills I heard "Selamat pagi Bu..." I almost jumped out of my bed!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT DEWI WAS ON THE OTHER BED NEXT TO MINE!!!! Dewi laughed and thought I was being hilarious. Well... The shock was real!!! :))) Then it was time for breakfast. My favorite moment. My baby and I met in the restaurant. She said she had a pretty okay night sleep :) BTW this was Dewi's first time enjoying breakfast buffet in a hotel. I told Dewi that she could eat whatever she wanted which was served on the buffet. She was like "Huh??? Ngga bayar Bu???" My mistake :) I didn't explain how things are working in a hotel. I guess it was because I assumed that everybody knows :D Minutes after I told her that everything is free, the food, the drinks, the dessert and other stuff, Dewi ate a lot! :)) She basically tried every single thing in the buffet, I had to remind her that we still had 3 more mornings/breakfast times. After breakfast I saw this lady on the Buffalo Tours tourist desk. Her name is Nham Thi Van and her english name is Lucy. Lucy is probably the first and only person in Hanoi who I can understand very well. Her english is excellent! Because I could understand her very well, after I booked a half-day trip to Ha Long Bay, I decided to ask Lucy about other tourist sites in Hanoi. Thanks to Lucy, Dewi and I finally had a tourist map! :)) She circled and written all the places that we should visit. Starting from the hotel and back. Meanwhile this day was Kukka's first day in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp in the hotel's Function Room. And since I already booked a tour for tomorrow, today was the only time Dewi and I could walk around the town and buy souvenirs. Most importantly Mom's wish: a handbag :) 

But first thing first: The Vietnamese Women's Museum. It's on my list and was worth every minute of it. After that Dewi and I went to the Red Bridge on Hoàn Kiem Lake. 

The park was beautiful but the weather was too damn hot for me to be on the famous bridge. And there were too many people taking pictures on it. Just looking at the crowd made me dizzy already. So I took some pictures with the red bridge as the background. Just for the sake of having a proof that I was at least NEAR that bridge. Right??? Right???? :)) I took some time to relax on the park bench right next to Hoan Kiem Lake, enjoying the shade under the trees, looking at the people here and there. It was really nice. I think I even managed to snooze a little bit. I can't really remember where Dewi was. I think she did manage to be on the bridge after I told her to go. She made sure I was okay  and bought me a sausage stick for snack. Then the journey continued. It was already noon and I thought it was time to look for some souvenirs. So we went to this area which is apparently quite famous for buying souvenirs. Luong Van Chan Street. I walked passed lots of souvenirs shops but none of them felt right. For example, shop A is too expensive while I considered shop B's owner to be rude. Why rude? Well... I don't want to spend my money in a shop where the owner just sit around on a leaning chair, sweating and "offered" me by pointing the stuff with words that I couldn't understand. She didn't even bother to stand up. No thank you. So I continued to walk and walk again with sweat all over my body. After about 3-4 shops I finally found this souvenir shop which has nice goods and most importantly the young lady in the shop was polite and friendly. After I looked around and finally set my heart on cute notebooks for Kukka's friends and a gorgeous handbag for Mom, it was time to bargain. The bargaining was quite tough because of the language. It was hilarious too. The three of us, the shop lady, Dewi and me used everything to be able to communicate with each other. English, Bahasa Indonesia, Bahasa Sunda, Bahasa Jawa, Vietnamese, Google Translator, fingers, hand gestures, drawings, calculator... :)))) At the end, the young lady gave up :))) I got everything I wanted and didn't have to spend too much. At least not as much as if I went to other souvenir shops. Finally my heart was at ease so I decided to go back to the hotel. After all... The next day would be Ha Long Bay. I needed all the energy I could have. I even ordered room service for dinner so I wouldn't have to move my butt :))

Day 3, August 14th
While the girls were getting ready to impress everybody with their presentation, my destination was Ha Long Bay. Ah yes... The second you hear that name you'll be thinking of this beautiful place ALLAH has created. To be honest I was a bit worried because I did read here and there that Ha Long Bay now is not as beautiful as it used to be. That there's a lot trash in the water etc. But... When I got there........ WOW. I said good luck and goodbye to Kukka and Cloudine then I got into a luxury bus from Buffalo Tours with Dewi. The bus was full of tourists #DUH. Mostly old couples. The guide's name was... Well... I only remember his english name: Ben. Ben's english is very good. Very understandable :) He's funny too. Ben explained almost every historical building we passed by. The first stop was the pearl farm on the way to the harbour. Ha Long Pearl. OH. MY. GOD. The pearls....... EXQUISITE!!!!! I really wanted them all!!!! Even the smallest one caught my eyes but of course they're very expensive. Even the tiniest earrings cost about... Oh nevermind :)) And so the journey continued. Next destination was the harbour. We got into a cruise ship, one of Genesis Cruise. I recommend it. Worth every penny. Seriously. Anyways... Our cruise stopped at Hang Luón or Luon Cave and it was time for kayaking. Yes. :)) At first I hesitated because it was a medium-sized kayak (10 adults) but then I thought "I'M HERE!!! MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT!". I got in with Dewi and 7 other passengers from the Genesis Cruise and 1 kayaker. We caused quite a ruckus when we got into the kayak. It turned out it wasn't that easy!!! The kayak kept swaying left and right everytime a passenger stepped it. And all of us screamed like it was the end of the world :)) Ben said some passengers did fall down into the water and that story certainly didn't make us feel any better :)) Then we all finally sat down and the kayak moved slowly. All of us listened to Ben carefully and enjoyed the breathtaking view. The kayak moved in to Surprise Cave. When we were in the cave I wondered how it would be like to spend the night inside :D Then we passed by The Monkey Island. It was beautiful AND funny. Why? Well... First of all it's beautiful because the island itself is full of lush trees in the middle of serene water. It's stunning. Aaaaaand theeeen... The monkeys! They were just...there. Minding their own business. I saw a mother with her baby. Then there were these 2 monkeys hanging from the trees. The funniest part of it was the fact that it felt more like they're the one who are watching us. Not the other way around :)) It's like "Oh hey! Humans!!! Aaaawww..." :))) 

Next was Ti Top Island where you can climb on 400 stairs and if you get to the top of the island you can get the best view down into Ha Long Bay. You CAN. Me? I COULDN'T :)) I caused quite a ruckus here. Before we got out of the cruise Ben already warned us about the 400 stairs that we have to climb to get up. He also reminded us about the heat. So if you think you couldn't make it, just stay in the cruise, enjoy the cold drink and wait for us, he said. Dewi reminded me to think it through. I felt...challenged? I said again and again that I could make it. I would just walk slowly and take my time, I said. Dewi gave up. I think not only she was worried that something might happen to me, but also IF something happened, she would be the one who is responsible for it :)) So yeah... I joined the others and took about 5 steps on the steep stairs. Did I tell you that the weather was very very hot??? Yeah... Okay. 5 stairs more or less. Then I started to shiver. My eyes were blurry and my hands were shaking. Still I thought I could make it. But then my sane self warned me something like "Hey you! If you keep doing this and somewhere in the middle of these steep stairs you get a seizure... You are a danger to other people. You fall down, the person behind you will be next and so on. There are old people here. Think about them" ................. I gave up. I told Dewi I would wait for her in the ship. As if walking back down the stairs didn't already cause a lot of trouble... Our cruise ship already got off the dock because it would be harbouring on the other side of the island!!! It took Ben, the people on the harbour, a very loud speaker and the people on the cruise to come back just to pick me up. Sorry guys... :D Oh yes! Did I already say that IT WAS VERY VERY HOT?????? :D When I got back in the cruise ship the first thing the crew did was giving me a wet towel :D GOD! At that moment all I could think about was the bathtub back at the hotel. But the experience was totally worth every drop of sweat. So while Dewi and the rest of the gang were "fried" outside, some old couples and I were enjoying cold drinks and leaning on comfortable seats. I don't know how long it took until they came back looking like they just got beaten up by sunrays LOL!!! Dewi kept saying that it was the best decision for me to go back to the ship. By the way the most annoying part of this whole trip was the lack of communication I had with Kukka. Although I already connected to the local operator, the signal was bad. All the time I was having fun I also couldn't stop thinking about my baby back in the city. After all... Today was Judging Day....  

And theeeeen finally at 16:05 I received the news from Ibu Sofie - Skaci. "Alhamdulillah dapat SILVER". WOW!!! I was sooooo surprised and obviously proud! I mean... The fact that Kukka was chosen to be one of the kids who represent Indonesia in this event was already a big prize itself. I didn't expect her and Cloudine to win an award. Not to mention Silver!!! Ibu Sofie called and I spoke with Kukka on then phone. She sounded very happy and I think the first thing she asked me was "Are you proud of me?" My precious Godsend :* I couldn't wait to go back to the hotel and shower my baby with kisses. After taking a long bath of course :D So yeah... When Dewi and I finally got back to the hotel, my baby came to my room. I hugged and kissed her like crazy! And of course. The most important part of this winning thing was the fact that if she won any prizes, her beloved Bapa would buy her Robux -_- She reminded me again and again about this. #SIGH 

Anyways since it was the last night in Hanoi, I decided to get an extra bed for Dewi and pushed the twin beds together so that Kukka could sleep with me. While I decided to stay in the room and rest, Dewi asked for permission to go out. She said "Kapan lagi Buu..." :)) I think she came back around 11pm. We flew back to Jakarta the next day and alhamdulillah we arrived at home safe and sound. Healthy and happy :) 

Dear Kukka: HAPPY ELEVENTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Eleven years ago an angel came down to brighten our life up.

Beautiful, caring, funny, mischievous and smart.

All lightness that can make the gloomiest heart instantly bright.

Along with a pack of toughness to make everything just right.

Her curiousity turns every day an adventure.

Lots of questions about this and that.

Loads of opinions about who, why, when, where and what.

One thing is certain because it has always been there and will forever stay.

It's our endless love for this blossoming flower.

Our precious Godsend.

Our Kukka Aiko Farza.

Dear Kukka: Live It Loud!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Today you're officially one of Sekolah Alam Tangerang's 6th graders! One of the big kids. 5th grade was quite a ride. It surely did have its ups and downs. Now Bapa and Bubu are looking forward to join the ride with you on the last grade of elementary school. Am I worried? To tell you the truth, yes :)) But I have faith in you. As long as you keep your promise not to be lazy, pay attention and ... Well just read this post again! Dear Kukka: Please Learn Your Lesson. You know what things I want to say. Bapa will probably add some more later. In private.

Anyways, being a 6th grader (and tomorrow 11 years old tween, In shã Allãh!!) will have its differences, more or less. Surely you will have more responsibilities, from - at school, surrounding and home. This might sound cliché but just be the best of yourself and show it to everybody that you do enjoy the ride! Ask questions when you have doubts and confusions. Share your happiness and help others who need it. Have lots of friends inside and outside the school and do spend time with them. Be nice and always be polite to your teachers. Be brave and don't be scared to be different. Live the life you're excited about. Have goals and try your best to reach them. 

And baby, remember this. Most importantly you always have me. To get some answers, to share your feelings, to show your excitements or just to be with. No words needed. Ich liebe Dich, Mein Ein und Alles. Good luck and have fun! 

Dear Kukka: Please Learn Your Lesson

You did it again. And like I said. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. But I am sad and I am disappointed. Because again, whenever it's about school, you forget. Homeworks. Tasks. Projects. Stuff to bring. Almost anything! And yesterday on Feb 7th you forgot that it was Thursday, which means you have to wear batik to school. But you didn't. Why not? Because YOU FORGOT. #bigsigh This is certainly not the first time that you forget. It happens more and more eversince I've stopped preparing your things for school. SiBapa reminded me that you ARE 10 years old now. You have to prepare everything by yourself. And if you do make a mistake, there'll be consequences.

Well you do know that your school is quite tough. There's a deal between the teachers and the students: whoever forget to bring something to school, he/she has to go home by him/herself to get it and goes back to school. And this school means business. You guys have to go home by yourself using a public transportation. Yup. An angkot. I had a conversation once with Bunda Uli that in your case this is impossible for a lot of reasons. So we made a new deal especially for you: do everybody's dishes after lunch. BUT there's another problem :)) You had a bike accident 3 days ago which left some pretty nasty wounds on your hand, arm and knee. The wounds have to be clean and dry which meeeeeans you can't do the dishes!!! Oh man! :))

After a conversation with Bunda Uli and SiBapa's advice, we came up with a solution: you have to go home, get the stuff you supposed to bring to school and go back to school USING AN ANGKOT! Obviously with a chaperone, who is no better than Mba Dewi :) Long story short you had a new experience. Mba Dewi told me that from school to our house you had to change angkot 3 times! You were lucky because none of the angkot was full. Mba Dewi also said that it looked like you enjoyed the ride in some ways :)) You even fell asleep on her lap! You were lucky, kiddo! When I was in school I had to sit next to tukang sayur, crying babies, or people with smelly armpits or body odors! And many times also with some chickens sitting right in front of me! I reminded Mba Dewi to let you count for the fare and give the money to the driver by yourself. Lucky me Mba Dewi recorded the whole thing. I had to laugh when you said "Terima kasih." and waved goodbye to the driver :))

Anyways, this is the consequence that Bunda Uli gave to you because of your lack of attention. That's not all. I expect you to write about your angkot ride experience in BAHASA INDONESIA. I want you to write how much the fare you've spent for you and Mba Dewi, what you saw all the way from here to there, how you felt, what you were thinking when you were in the angkot, basically about anything. AND...it has to be finished by the end of this week. I will double-check it to Mba Dewi. If there's any mistake or lack of information caused by your inattention, there will be some kind of...punishment. You also have pay back the angkot fare to me: yours and Mba Dewi's. Oh wait! You already paid back to Mba Dewi using your savings yesterday before she went home! Good girl :) You see, baby... From this experience I want you to pay better attention, to take good care of your stuff, to remember what you have to bring to school, and you can't always rely on your parents, Mba Dewi or Mas Ari to drive all the way to school just to bring the things you forget!!! 

Mein Schatz, you said yesterday's angkot ride was: "It's kinda nice... I prefer Mas Ari better though." :)) I expect you to understand WHY Bapa and I did this. There's a lot of valuable lessons that I want you to remember. I want you to know that there are many kids who have to ride public transportations or even walk every single day to get around! I want you to realize how lavish your life is. Whenever you want to go somewhere all you have to do is ask your parents, sit inside a very comfortable car: cool AC, pillow and favorite music included, no need to think how to pay for the ride, then without you know it, you've reached your destination. Meanwhile there are kids out there who can only DREAM to sit in a car and enjoy the ride like you have EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

So yeah... That's about it. I hope you've learned your lesson well. I love you, Baiyi :*

Why I Don't Tell Kukka That She's Pretty (Very Often)

And even if I do, I always tell her only after I say prayers in her ears. That she will grow up to be a shalihah woman, healthy, smart, generous, and more. Last I say to Kukka that I hope she will grow up to be a beautiful woman, inside and outside. Usually I say it to her in Sundanese, more or less like this: 

"Sing shalihah ya neeeeeng! Sing pinter, sehat cantik lahir batin yaaaa!" 

I do this every day, almost every time whenever I have the chance.. Why? Because I believe in a mother's prayers for her child. And then I would shower Kukka with kisses until she becomes majorly annoyed and runs away :)) It gets harder by the day though. Since she's becoming bigger, stronger, taller and already has that preteen attitude. Yeah... Kukka already considers my hugs and kisses are bothering.

So... Why don't I tell Kukka that she's pretty very often? Well... First of all I don't want her to grow up to be the kind of woman who thinks that she's so pretty and then behave like a pompous bitch. In Bahasa Indonesia we say it "Sok kecakepan". :)) I also don't want Kukka to think that appearance is everything. I do remind her to take good care of herself, like physically. I always remind her to brush her teeth really well so her mouth won't smell. I remind Kukka to take a shower every day. While having our girls talk, I (still) brush Kukka's hair before bed. I said it'll make her hair healthy and shiny. But I always tell Kukka that being kind and polite will make her even more beautiful.

Lots of my friends or even strangers say to me that I have a beautiful daughter. I just smile and say thank you. Am I proud? Well of course! What kind of mother would I be if I'm not proud to have a pretty daughter?!? The most recent comment about Kukka is from the school. Ever since Kukka got into Sekolah Alam Tangerang she gets teased a lot by the boys. Especially the 6th graders. Kukka doesn't like it. She hates it so much she even gets into fights with them. Hitting the boys with a broom until it broke, coming home crying, looking angry with red puffy eyes. I asked the school what happened. One of their explanations was because Kukka is a new student and she's pretty. So she's an "easy target". The It Girl :)) When the teachers told me and SiBapa, we didn't say anything. We just kept listening to the teacher. I did take a glimpse at SiBapa's face. It was flat. No proud smile or any kind. I smiled and even laughed a bit. In my heart. Not because of the teacher's story. It's because of SiBapa's face! FYI SiBapa is not the kind of person who easily gives praises. Not even to his only daughter. And in this special case I know why. We have the same reasons. And maybe he has more.

Being ungenerous with praises does has its own price though. Especially now that she's in her preteen age, Kukka is becoming even more sensitive and moody. Many times, like out of nowhere, she would come to me and asks "Bubu, do you think I'm pretty?" or "Bubu, do I look beautiful wearing this?" or "Bubu, how do I look? Do I look cute?". Again. I would answer her questions with hugs and kisses and I-love-yous. Sometimes it makes me kind of sad and feel guilty. But again, I answer her questions with prayers, encouragements, hugs and kisses. Aaaaand of course like always, there's a lot of I-love-yous involved :)

I've personally seen and heard stories what lack of love and compassion, physically and verbally, can do to a child. Kukka is my everything. She is Mein Ein und Alles. She is my Precious Godsend. I would take a bullet for her. But again, everything doesn't mean spoiling her like crazy with physical praises and giving her every single thing that she wants. Maybe one day Kukka will blame me for being stingy of praises like this. But one thing for sure, as she gets maturer and smarter, Kukka will be grateful that she has tough parents. Not exactly the best. But SiBapa and SiBubu are pretty...okay? Right, baby girl? :)    

Dear Kukka: Congratulations!

I'm sorry for posting this story waaaaaay too late! Now let's just see if I still can remember what happened on that day. What day? THE DAY WHEN YOU OFFICIALLY EARNED YOUR OWN MONEY! And I was right there beside you :*

It was on August 25th and it started with Oom Popong, my friend, who contacted me & asked whether you & I were willing to be in his upcoming project. It was not my thing but you were totally up to it. Especially when you found out that you were going to get paid!!! :))) The fact that you had to talk in front of the camera didn't freak you out. After all, it wasn't your first time. You were interviewed by Metro TV once: 

   

Belajar Dari Yang Kecil (3) 

-click link- 

It seemed that you also had a good time with Oom Popong. Although just like any other shooting (Been there, done that!), it was tiring!!! We were at the location early in morning but got interviewed hours later. My memory about the whole thing is already blurry. But I do remember that you were very cheerful, totally cool about being on set with lots of people and... Talkative like always? :) Too bad I still couldn't get the video of you from Oom Popong but I did manage to get some pictures when you were being interviewed.

"I felt confident and happy when I was being interviewed by Om Popong. And it was really fun. He asked me a lot of questions about how old I am, and what I did at school. And I answered him with positive answers. I remember too that we had a photosession with you (Bubu). He also asked me about you. About what you do everytime when I'm with you." 

-Kukka-

Well that's my precious godsend :) Very confident. As for me, I do remember I was very nervous and couldn't give a lot of answers. Thank god I didn't get any seizures because of it :))) Contrary to some opinions about me, talking in front of public certainly is not... Me :))) I guess you got those particular positive traits from SiBapa, eh?! :p So what's next on your agenda? Acting in SiBapa's commercials? :)

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you

Being Bubu

Lately I've been thinking about parenting styles. Eversince I wanted I child I promised myself to be a good mother. An ideal one to be precise. You know... The kind who never scold & yell but give encouragements instead. The kind who is not spoiling the child by giving her everything that she wants. The kind who will only give the child the things that she deserves. The kind who makes a list of must-dos & must-don'ts & make damn sure that the kid follows them all. You know... A too-good-to-be-true kind of mother. For example... I want Kukka to know that if she makes a mistake, she has to realize it & apologize. I don't want to be the kind of mother who thinks that her child is always right. That if something is wrong, it must be the other's side's fault. Or even worse, I don't want my child to realize that she makes a mistake & doesn't even WANT to apologize. But of course there's no such thing as an ideal parent.

The older Kukka gets, the more I realize how hard being a mother can be. Sure. Most of the times we get along very well. For example Hubster & I always make sure that Kukka greets everybody & says thank you. Like every morning when Kukka meets our housecrew she would say "Selamat pagi Mba Dewi. Selamat pagi Mas Ari." She also says "Tolong" & "Terima kasih". Alhamdulillah she does all those things just like we taught her to do. Kukka almost always asks for permission. Even if it's just whether she's allowed to eat Nutella sandwich or drink milk between meal times. Or if she's allowed to hear music while doing her homework. Kukka goes to bed at 8pm, accompanied by me until 10pm with the lights off. If it's passed 10pm & Kukka is still jumping around, I leave her to sleep by herself. She doesn't whine or worse, cry. Sometimes Kukka just asks whether she's allowed to turn the lights on or not. After she finishes her meal, Kukka cleans up our dining table & picks up the scattered food on the floor. Before putting the dirty dishes on the sink, she throws the left-over in the trash bin outside.

Kukka loves to ask questions & I try to answer them...age-appropriately. If I don't have the answer, I ask Kukka to give me some time to find out. We share lots of stories before bedtime like my mom & I used to do. Kukka's idea of bedtime stories are about my childhood and lately it becomes more like a Q&A session. It can be about anything. Starting from love like my ex boyfriends or how I met her beloved Bapa to "Bubu, have you ever wondered why some things are satisfying & some don't?".  Or "Bubu, what happens if Donald Trump & Hitler teamed up?". Kukka is also curious about religion. One time she asked me if it's true that there's absolutely nothing that can kill ALLAH SWT. So yeah...  Parenting is difficult & I'm trying to be the best kind of mother that Kukka deserves. 

But of course now that she's getting older, things are getting tougher. Especially when it involves school stuff. Good god! I think 80% there are yelling, screaming even tears involve when it comes to homeworks! "I don't know." & "I don't remember." Everytime I hear those sentences I feel like pulling out my hair! One time things got very dramatic, Kukka cried & screamed "You don't love me anymore!!!" I must admit it was a pretty dilemmatic situation. I wanted to cry but also laughed my butt off when I heard Kukka said that. I mean... Seriously?????? :))) Anyways, as for punishment, the worse I can give to Kukka is no game time. This is like the end of the world for Kukka. One time she said "I'm sitting in sadness." I think it was because she wasn't allowed to play game before she does her Kumon sheets & Bahasa Indonesia. Yes. I can be tough like that. Meanwhile her Bapa can ruin everything by bending the rules. That's why lately Kukka loves to go out with Bapa even when he's actually working.

I don't know about you, other mothers. But lately I feel like I'm the bad guy here. I'm the one who say NO. I'm the one who say it's bathtime, it's bedtime, it's homework time, it's no-tv time, it's Kumon time, it's Bahasa Indonesia time. I'm the one who is not fun. I'm the one who want only the best for my baby.

Yeah. I am the mother. :) 

Dear Kukka: Give Me (More) Time

First I would like to thank you for making me laugh like crazy today. You said something that made me laugh so hard I had tears all over my face. I really couldn't stop! Not until I saw your expression started to change. I noticed that you looked... Sad if not upset. And fortunately just like that I remember when you told me that you didn't like it if somebody is laughing at you. Especially whenever you talk in Bahasa Indonesia. But wait! That's another story. Let me write about what just happened in the car this afternoon. 

When you were still in Kumon class I was checking your twitter account and I saw something funny posted by Majalah Bobo. I told myself "I'm gonna show this to Kukka!" and I did. But unfortunately I didn't get the reaction I was expecting. Seconds after I showed you the tweet, instead of commenting about it, you cringed and complained with a serious yet still very cute face: "I don't want to follow BOBO!" I was... I mean... I thought... I was like... My eyes got bigger, my mouth was opened wide and then I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I laughed sooo hard and soooo long! I really couldn't stop!!! By the time I managed to stop I asked you why you didn't want to follow Bobo. I told you that Bobo is a very nice magazine and that you can learn Bahasa Indonesia by reading it etc. Yet your expression didn't change and you kept saying "I don't want to follow Bobo!". After I managed to control myself, I opened your twitter account and unfollow Majalah Bobo right in front of you. Eventhough I am still in control of every social media account you have, I told you that I was sorry and that next time I will ask you first who you do want to follow. Anyways... Later on it got me thinking... I just realized (maybe for the gazzilionth times) that you, my baby girl, are not a baby anymore and I have to (learn to) accept it. Because you, obviously, don't want to be treated like one.

Now here I am, sitting on the dining chair, with my fingers on the keyboard and looking straight at you, my beautiful 9-going-on-10 year old girl. Today is the first day of fasting month and you spent the day without complaining. Well... You did mention that you could eat all the food on the table but no. Whining? A bit. But no. You didn't complain much. Now you're watching tv while having your all time favorite menu: spaghetti bolognese and broccoli. I can't help not to smile and feeling grateful. ALLAH SWT knows how much I love you, mein Schatz and I am very proud of you. That goes without saying. And it's quite difficult to accept the fact that now you prefer to watch some teenage-highschool serials instead of Pocoyo. That you really like to listen to adult songs on Mustang FM instead of watching Mickey-Minnie-Donald singing and dancing on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And the questions you ask me? I mean the adult-related questions? Dear god... I just can't believe it :)) But I guess I just have to learn harder to be a mother of a 9yo girl. A good friend of mine who has an older child told me that I should be prepared. Because the time will come when you, my precious, angelic kid of mine soon CAN and WILL make me angry, insulted or sad on daily basis. Well actually the time IS already here, isn't it? :)) There's one "drama" that got stucked in my head. You screamed to my face "You don't love me anymore!" and me sobbing on the floor like a lonely old lady? What happened? I don't remember and I'm pretty sure it wasn't a matter of life and death :)) But yeah... It already happened. Good thing Bapa wasn't there huh?! If he was, both of us could be "scolded and grounded" :)))

So yes.. Kukka... As a normal human being with all my limitations, can you please give Bubu more time to accept, to understand and to learn how to be a mother to a super smart, sensitive, beautiful inside-and-out girl like you? Because to be honest it's not easy, you know... Before satisfying your curiousity, I have to google or ask around first. Before giving you some motherly advices, I have to think really careful and really hard. Because I only want to tell you the right things. I only want to give you the best ones. And to do that, I need time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Maybe for as long as I shall live. So again... Give Bubu more time. Please?

Dear Kukka: Happy 9th Birthday!

No way! There’s no way you’re 9 years old now!!!! MY BABY???? MY PRECIOUS GODSEND???? 9 YEARS OLD??????? Where did all those baby years go????

Good God… No wonder you’ve changed so much! The way you talk, the gestures you do, the comments you make, the questions you ask! So not….baby-like anymore!!! I’m so saaaaaaaaaad! Yet also very excited at the same time :)) I know, I know. It doesn’t make any sense. Just wait and see until you have your own daughter someday. Then you’ll understand. 

This year we celebrated your birthday in Hard Rock Bali again. I think it was your choice? You were very happy, obviously. The fact that we spent the nights in a hotel and you spent the days on the beach until your skin got all wrinkley, that was your idea to have a perfect birthday. But I wonder why you looked kind of embarrased when the Hard Rock Hotel guys brought you a cake and sang to you Happy Birthday… Because you’re not a little girl anymore? :)

But you did have a great birthday, right? Like I wrote on my instagram on your birthday: 

A beautiful soul was born today. 

9 years ago to be exact. 

She changes my life in ways I could never imagine. 

She’s my godsend, my guardian angel. 

My daughter, the love of my life. 

Meine Liebe. Mein Ein und Alles.