Today And Forever

 Never once I doubted that you are my reason to live. 

And again today God showed me a solid proof. 

That you are my love, my guardian, my life, my everything. 

Our tears are mine to wipe and the moments are ours to treasure. 

Forever and always. 

I love you Bebi 😘

Parenthood

Probably one of the most complicated things in life. As a mother. As a father. You can't be too hard on your child nor too easy. If you want a perfect child you have to do it just right. Which is obviously impossible. Especially when you're raising your child together with your spouse #Duh Well you know what I mean, right?! Both of you are involved, commited? When it comes to parenting, there will be tons of stuff both of you would disagree with each other. Especially if one of the parents still sees/considers the child as a baby 😅

You think letting your child go biking on a rainy day is bad. Your spouse think it will make her body stronger. The father teaches the child to be polite. The mother tells to just brush other people off. And the list goes on. What most of us as parents often forget is that a child also learns from what she sees and listens. As simple as that. You want your child to be polite. Yet never once you say "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry.". You want your child to be honest. Yet you lie on daily basis. You want your child to be nice. Yet you raise your voice and blame others. You want your child to love you. But first, when was the last time you say "I love you" and mean it?

From the matters you are thinking to the actions you are making to the words you are saying. Your children listen and store everything deep inside their brains. Later on there are possibilities: 1. They will become exactly like you. 2. They will and want to become much better person than you. 3. They will become the person you despise or worse. Maybe there's more. Just leave your comment below. And later on your child will either love you or hate you for it. Some might even need lifetime therapy. 

I personally consider myself to be a very lucky person. I've been raised in a very loving family. I'm sure I've talked about my Mom and Dad, my big sister and big brother like A LOT! 😝 Why? Well... It's because I respect and love them and I love saying and showing it again and again and again. There are some...complications on my side of life story. But the amount of love I've received these past 44 years from my loved ones has been overwhelming, some might be unnecessary or even annoying. I'm sure that's how Kukka feels about her Bubu nowadays 😋 The best part now that she's almost a teenager is how Kukka and I can open up about lots of things. Some even adult stuff 😉 SiBapa also plays his role as a father. Whenever this cute father-daughter couple spend time together they leave SiBubu alone at home.

Anyway... My Precious Godsend and me? We pour our hearts out, share our secrets, what-ifs, fears and regrets. I share my feelings to my girl so we can understand each other better. I advice my daughter not to make the same mistakes I've made. I show my girl how to be strong and patient in the middle of a storm. In short, I try my best to be a good person, for me and her. Because, hopefully, there's a long life ahead of us which we will go through together. As mother and daughter.

And so the parenthood adventure continues. 

Dear Kukka: Yes baby?

It's been 2 months since my last post. It's not like there's nothing worth writing for has happened. I was just not in the mood. But like always, you inspire me. Woohooo surprise (NOT!)! 😋 These last couple of days... I mean come on! There's no way I'm not going to write about it. Although most of the stuff we do have to keep it to ourselves, some I do want to put it in writing.

You know that it's been always my dream since forever to have a daughter. A version of Bapa & I combined, who later on can be the one I share personal things to. Good, bad, happy stuff, sad stuff, wishes, secrets, regrets. Absolutely about everything. Well maybe there are some stuff I should keep it to myself because it might hurt your feelings. Or probably even...damage you later on as an adult? 😂 But again... These last 2 years I'm watching you growing up to be a smart, intelligent preteen with super sensitive soul and a sharp mind. I mean... The things you say and comment about... And the questions you ask?!?! Man... I must confess many times you're giving me the chills, baby 😆 It's like you see right through me and there's nothing I can hide from you. Even the words you choose are PRECISE. Not those childish hints which are stupidly too easy to read. None are vague or dumb. As a matter of fact I think many times you're just pretending as if you don't know about some things. It's just because you want to ask me. You want to hear my opinions coming right out of my mouth straight to you. And this is exactly why I always want a daughter. I always want this kind of relationship. This is why I always wanted YOU.

Our conversations now cover various of more...may I say...sophisticated topics? Although silly ones are obviously still there 😏 Lots of topics just get more complicated for me to answer immediately. I have to ask you for some time so I can google first 😅 Better for me to confess that I'm clueless rather than giving you stupid and wrong answers. Right?!? Which in not so near future you will find out anyways and big chance you turn them into jokes to make me look silly. Like you and your beloved Bapa always do 😒 

Our girl talk usually happens before bedtime. When every task of the day is finished and we just lay down together on the bed. Waiting until the Sandman sprinkles his magical sand onto our eyes. Our conversation starts with you asking "Hey Bubu?" and I would smile to myself in the dark, answering "Yes baby?". Then there they are. The questions, the comments, the stories, the what ifs... Often followed by me gasping or holding my breath, thinking very hard how to satisfy your curiousity. I believe once I told myself not to be those kind of mothers who give answers to their children just for the sake of answering. I want to give you the right answers. I want to tell you the truth. Good or bad. Nothing is too gross. None is too innocent. I want to tell you things as it is. It will be quite difficult I pressume. Since you are a smart and sensitive kid. Now... The things I tell you might not as interesting as you hear from Bapa or as you expected them to be. But one thing for sure: they will be honest.

You do have to remember though, baby... It's been already 12 years but I'm still learning here. And I guess I will never stop learning how to be a good mother. Because I'm sure there will always be something new for me to learn. So cut me some slack if I make mistakes, okay? 😉 I'm also the one who you spend most of your time with. Yet it doesn't mean that you can rely on me like every second of the day. The things you can and cannot do are not up to me. It's all you. Although sadly that is not how most people would see. If a child cannot do things, it's always the mother who is to blame. Sad. I know. But that's just how it is. This topic once led to other questions such as how I would feel if you don't want to get married and what if you don't want to have children. I remember I had quite a chuckle before giving you my answers. 

Another update about you is that apparently now I also have to ask for your approval first before posting anything that has to do with you. Pictures, comments, stories, etc. Fair enough. You are not a baby anymore. 😊 Ugly pictures, embarassing stories, private moments and such can only be found in my diary. 😏 But then when the night comes... After our cuddling time and girl talk end... And I'm looking at your beautiful and peaceful sleeping face... At that moment I know for sure... That you will always be my baby. My one and only love of my life. My Baiyi. 😘😍

"Gimana, 'Ka?"

I can still hear your gentle voice...

I don't want to say or ask why. 

Because it's not my right and place to say.

I have no doubt that ALLAH SWT, 

already has prepared a better place for you up there. 

All I can do now for you is pray and wish. 

That you are now in a better place. 

The place where you certainly deserve to be. 

As a kind and understanding person.

Who had so much love to give and lots of fun to share.

Thank you ALLAH, for the time you gave me to be with Bapa.

Just the two of us.

For giving me the chance to pour my heart out to him. 

And for giving us the priceless time to listen and to comfort each other.

I will cherish that precious moment for the rest of my life.

Dearest Bapa,

May you now rest in peace that you've longed for and deserved.

And I will surely miss our funny, sweet yet serious deeptalks.

I love you. 

Kukka Goes To Hanoi

So... It started with a phone call from a number I didn't recognized. I almost ignore it like I always do to unknown numbers. But this time I decided to take it. It turned out it was from Skaci, Kukka's computer course. The first thing that popped in my head was "Uh oh... What did she do?" :)) Skaci told me that Kukka was chosen to compete in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp 2019 in Hanoi along with Cloudine, another student from Skaci. I was like "...HUH...?" ASEAN??? Hanoi??? Kukka???" I asked her to repeat everything from the beginning. Slowly. :)) It took a bit of a time before I told Hubster about it. Because... Well... Kukka did win the Skaci Bintaro Cyber Kids 2 years in a row but I didn't expect this to happen. 

Anyways after that surprising phone call, the commotion began. Starting from discussing whether or not we should let Kukka go to Hanoi alone (with Cloudine & 1 Skaci chaperone) to finally deciding that I do have to come along with her to Vietnam. The (next) biggest problem was right on those dates when the event was held, August 12th - 15th, Hubster's schedule was packed. Really. I saw his timeline and there's no free time at all. Finding the right person to go with us was not an easy thing. Why not just me? Well... You know :) Or not? Well... There's always a possibility that I might get seizures like...anywhere? Plane. Hotel. Tourist sites. I could even get lost!!! I still get lost in the middle of my favorites malls for god sakes! This is so annoying -__- So yeah... I really had to have a chaperone of my own :)) Now... I can't really remember how this idea came and who had it first, but after lots of well-thought-out discussions Hubster and I finally decided that I should bring Dewi along to this trip. Yes. THAT Dewi. Our maid. She's been with us a long time now which means we can trust her. Dewi knows my condition and has experiences how to treat me if anything happens. She's smart, healthy and quick. Dewi also has great initiative to do this and that. Basically she was the best person to come along with me and Kukka to Hanoi. It was Hubster who told Dewi about the news. I don't really remember exactly what Hubster said but when he did Dewi surely was very surprised and obviously happy. Next was making a passport for Dewi since she didn't have one. I had the duty to find the best deals of airlines tickets and hotel. We decided to take the same planes, Singapore Airlines, and stayed at Melia Hanoi, the same hotel with the kids and Ibu Sofie, the chaperone from Skaci Pusat. And so the adventure began.

Day 1, August 12th

When we arrived in Hanoi a guy from the event picked us up and took us to Hotel Melia Hanoi. His name is difficult for us to pronounce and too hard for me to remember :)) But he is a very nice guy. The minute we all sat comfortably in the car he gave us a box of Vietnamese local cake. They look and feel sort of like mochi. But more colorful. Anyways... After exchanging phone numbers I finally understand the chaperone's name: Dan Le. But still. I couldn't pronounce it correctly. :)) On the way to the hotel we passed by some historical buildings and famous local places. Dan Le gave us informations just like a tourist guide would do. But I didn't pay too much attention because all I wanted was take a shower and just lay down on the bed. AND SLEEP!!! :)) Yes. Those were the first things I did when I finally got in the bedroom which I shared with Dewi. Kukka stayed in the same bedroom with Bu Sofie and Cloudine as she supposed to. I told Kukka again and again that the fact I was there shouldn't change a thing. That she should...pretend that I wasn't there. Just because I tagged along didn't mean that she could sleep in my bedroom and be with me all time. I told Kukka that me being there in Hanoi with her was for my (and her Bapa's) peace of mind. That...at least I was in the same city, the same time zone, the same country with her :)) Then after an evening stroll to a restaurant named Quan An Ngon and back to the hotel,  Dewi, Kukka and I decided to go to sleep. Because we needed it. Very much. Zzz....

Day 2, August 13th

Alhamdulillah I had a very good sleep. I don't think I woke up even once which I usually do since I'm taking the necessary pills. Then at 6am in the morning, when it was time for me to take my morning pills I heard "Selamat pagi Bu..." I almost jumped out of my bed!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT DEWI WAS ON THE OTHER BED NEXT TO MINE!!!! Dewi laughed and thought I was being hilarious. Well... The shock was real!!! :))) Then it was time for breakfast. My favorite moment. My baby and I met in the restaurant. She said she had a pretty okay night sleep :) BTW this was Dewi's first time enjoying breakfast buffet in a hotel. I told Dewi that she could eat whatever she wanted which was served on the buffet. She was like "Huh??? Ngga bayar Bu???" My mistake :) I didn't explain how things are working in a hotel. I guess it was because I assumed that everybody knows :D Minutes after I told her that everything is free, the food, the drinks, the dessert and other stuff, Dewi ate a lot! :)) She basically tried every single thing in the buffet, I had to remind her that we still had 3 more mornings/breakfast times. After breakfast I saw this lady on the Buffalo Tours tourist desk. Her name is Nham Thi Van and her english name is Lucy. Lucy is probably the first and only person in Hanoi who I can understand very well. Her english is excellent! Because I could understand her very well, after I booked a half-day trip to Ha Long Bay, I decided to ask Lucy about other tourist sites in Hanoi. Thanks to Lucy, Dewi and I finally had a tourist map! :)) She circled and written all the places that we should visit. Starting from the hotel and back. Meanwhile this day was Kukka's first day in ASEAN Cyber Kids Camp in the hotel's Function Room. And since I already booked a tour for tomorrow, today was the only time Dewi and I could walk around the town and buy souvenirs. Most importantly Mom's wish: a handbag :) 

But first thing first: The Vietnamese Women's Museum. It's on my list and was worth every minute of it. After that Dewi and I went to the Red Bridge on Hoàn Kiem Lake. 

The park was beautiful but the weather was too damn hot for me to be on the famous bridge. And there were too many people taking pictures on it. Just looking at the crowd made me dizzy already. So I took some pictures with the red bridge as the background. Just for the sake of having a proof that I was at least NEAR that bridge. Right??? Right???? :)) I took some time to relax on the park bench right next to Hoan Kiem Lake, enjoying the shade under the trees, looking at the people here and there. It was really nice. I think I even managed to snooze a little bit. I can't really remember where Dewi was. I think she did manage to be on the bridge after I told her to go. She made sure I was okay  and bought me a sausage stick for snack. Then the journey continued. It was already noon and I thought it was time to look for some souvenirs. So we went to this area which is apparently quite famous for buying souvenirs. Luong Van Chan Street. I walked passed lots of souvenirs shops but none of them felt right. For example, shop A is too expensive while I considered shop B's owner to be rude. Why rude? Well... I don't want to spend my money in a shop where the owner just sit around on a leaning chair, sweating and "offered" me by pointing the stuff with words that I couldn't understand. She didn't even bother to stand up. No thank you. So I continued to walk and walk again with sweat all over my body. After about 3-4 shops I finally found this souvenir shop which has nice goods and most importantly the young lady in the shop was polite and friendly. After I looked around and finally set my heart on cute notebooks for Kukka's friends and a gorgeous handbag for Mom, it was time to bargain. The bargaining was quite tough because of the language. It was hilarious too. The three of us, the shop lady, Dewi and me used everything to be able to communicate with each other. English, Bahasa Indonesia, Bahasa Sunda, Bahasa Jawa, Vietnamese, Google Translator, fingers, hand gestures, drawings, calculator... :)))) At the end, the young lady gave up :))) I got everything I wanted and didn't have to spend too much. At least not as much as if I went to other souvenir shops. Finally my heart was at ease so I decided to go back to the hotel. After all... The next day would be Ha Long Bay. I needed all the energy I could have. I even ordered room service for dinner so I wouldn't have to move my butt :))

Day 3, August 14th
While the girls were getting ready to impress everybody with their presentation, my destination was Ha Long Bay. Ah yes... The second you hear that name you'll be thinking of this beautiful place ALLAH has created. To be honest I was a bit worried because I did read here and there that Ha Long Bay now is not as beautiful as it used to be. That there's a lot trash in the water etc. But... When I got there........ WOW. I said good luck and goodbye to Kukka and Cloudine then I got into a luxury bus from Buffalo Tours with Dewi. The bus was full of tourists #DUH. Mostly old couples. The guide's name was... Well... I only remember his english name: Ben. Ben's english is very good. Very understandable :) He's funny too. Ben explained almost every historical building we passed by. The first stop was the pearl farm on the way to the harbour. Ha Long Pearl. OH. MY. GOD. The pearls....... EXQUISITE!!!!! I really wanted them all!!!! Even the smallest one caught my eyes but of course they're very expensive. Even the tiniest earrings cost about... Oh nevermind :)) And so the journey continued. Next destination was the harbour. We got into a cruise ship, one of Genesis Cruise. I recommend it. Worth every penny. Seriously. Anyways... Our cruise stopped at Hang Luón or Luon Cave and it was time for kayaking. Yes. :)) At first I hesitated because it was a medium-sized kayak (10 adults) but then I thought "I'M HERE!!! MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT!". I got in with Dewi and 7 other passengers from the Genesis Cruise and 1 kayaker. We caused quite a ruckus when we got into the kayak. It turned out it wasn't that easy!!! The kayak kept swaying left and right everytime a passenger stepped it. And all of us screamed like it was the end of the world :)) Ben said some passengers did fall down into the water and that story certainly didn't make us feel any better :)) Then we all finally sat down and the kayak moved slowly. All of us listened to Ben carefully and enjoyed the breathtaking view. The kayak moved in to Surprise Cave. When we were in the cave I wondered how it would be like to spend the night inside :D Then we passed by The Monkey Island. It was beautiful AND funny. Why? Well... First of all it's beautiful because the island itself is full of lush trees in the middle of serene water. It's stunning. Aaaaaand theeeen... The monkeys! They were just...there. Minding their own business. I saw a mother with her baby. Then there were these 2 monkeys hanging from the trees. The funniest part of it was the fact that it felt more like they're the one who are watching us. Not the other way around :)) It's like "Oh hey! Humans!!! Aaaawww..." :))) 

Next was Ti Top Island where you can climb on 400 stairs and if you get to the top of the island you can get the best view down into Ha Long Bay. You CAN. Me? I COULDN'T :)) I caused quite a ruckus here. Before we got out of the cruise Ben already warned us about the 400 stairs that we have to climb to get up. He also reminded us about the heat. So if you think you couldn't make it, just stay in the cruise, enjoy the cold drink and wait for us, he said. Dewi reminded me to think it through. I felt...challenged? I said again and again that I could make it. I would just walk slowly and take my time, I said. Dewi gave up. I think not only she was worried that something might happen to me, but also IF something happened, she would be the one who is responsible for it :)) So yeah... I joined the others and took about 5 steps on the steep stairs. Did I tell you that the weather was very very hot??? Yeah... Okay. 5 stairs more or less. Then I started to shiver. My eyes were blurry and my hands were shaking. Still I thought I could make it. But then my sane self warned me something like "Hey you! If you keep doing this and somewhere in the middle of these steep stairs you get a seizure... You are a danger to other people. You fall down, the person behind you will be next and so on. There are old people here. Think about them" ................. I gave up. I told Dewi I would wait for her in the ship. As if walking back down the stairs didn't already cause a lot of trouble... Our cruise ship already got off the dock because it would be harbouring on the other side of the island!!! It took Ben, the people on the harbour, a very loud speaker and the people on the cruise to come back just to pick me up. Sorry guys... :D Oh yes! Did I already say that IT WAS VERY VERY HOT?????? :D When I got back in the cruise ship the first thing the crew did was giving me a wet towel :D GOD! At that moment all I could think about was the bathtub back at the hotel. But the experience was totally worth every drop of sweat. So while Dewi and the rest of the gang were "fried" outside, some old couples and I were enjoying cold drinks and leaning on comfortable seats. I don't know how long it took until they came back looking like they just got beaten up by sunrays LOL!!! Dewi kept saying that it was the best decision for me to go back to the ship. By the way the most annoying part of this whole trip was the lack of communication I had with Kukka. Although I already connected to the local operator, the signal was bad. All the time I was having fun I also couldn't stop thinking about my baby back in the city. After all... Today was Judging Day....  

And theeeeen finally at 16:05 I received the news from Ibu Sofie - Skaci. "Alhamdulillah dapat SILVER". WOW!!! I was sooooo surprised and obviously proud! I mean... The fact that Kukka was chosen to be one of the kids who represent Indonesia in this event was already a big prize itself. I didn't expect her and Cloudine to win an award. Not to mention Silver!!! Ibu Sofie called and I spoke with Kukka on then phone. She sounded very happy and I think the first thing she asked me was "Are you proud of me?" My precious Godsend :* I couldn't wait to go back to the hotel and shower my baby with kisses. After taking a long bath of course :D So yeah... When Dewi and I finally got back to the hotel, my baby came to my room. I hugged and kissed her like crazy! And of course. The most important part of this winning thing was the fact that if she won any prizes, her beloved Bapa would buy her Robux -_- She reminded me again and again about this. #SIGH 

Anyways since it was the last night in Hanoi, I decided to get an extra bed for Dewi and pushed the twin beds together so that Kukka could sleep with me. While I decided to stay in the room and rest, Dewi asked for permission to go out. She said "Kapan lagi Buu..." :)) I think she came back around 11pm. We flew back to Jakarta the next day and alhamdulillah we arrived at home safe and sound. Healthy and happy :) 

Dear Kukka: Live It Loud!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Today you're officially one of Sekolah Alam Tangerang's 6th graders! One of the big kids. 5th grade was quite a ride. It surely did have its ups and downs. Now Bapa and Bubu are looking forward to join the ride with you on the last grade of elementary school. Am I worried? To tell you the truth, yes :)) But I have faith in you. As long as you keep your promise not to be lazy, pay attention and ... Well just read this post again! Dear Kukka: Please Learn Your Lesson. You know what things I want to say. Bapa will probably add some more later. In private.

Anyways, being a 6th grader (and tomorrow 11 years old tween, In shã Allãh!!) will have its differences, more or less. Surely you will have more responsibilities, from - at school, surrounding and home. This might sound cliché but just be the best of yourself and show it to everybody that you do enjoy the ride! Ask questions when you have doubts and confusions. Share your happiness and help others who need it. Have lots of friends inside and outside the school and do spend time with them. Be nice and always be polite to your teachers. Be brave and don't be scared to be different. Live the life you're excited about. Have goals and try your best to reach them. 

And baby, remember this. Most importantly you always have me. To get some answers, to share your feelings, to show your excitements or just to be with. No words needed. Ich liebe Dich, Mein Ein und Alles. Good luck and have fun! 

Take It Easy Being Forty-Three

Yeah… I’m officially 43 years old now. And my beloved Godsend made sure I remember that by saying again and again that I’m old :)) The first person who sent me a birthday wish was MamaHenny. She sent me a long prayer/message at 00:15 am. Then they, my beloved ones who were busy playing games, came to me and started to sing Happy Birthday in their own annoying ways :))

After midnight I started to get lots of messages. Friends and families from everywhere sent me birthday wishes via chat apps, Facebook, Instagram ea. I was very touched by one particular “present”. A message, telling me to read Al-Baqarah:286. It says:

“ALLAH does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! Do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake. Our Lord! Do not lay on us any burden as Thou didn’t lay on those before us. Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear, and pardon us protection and have mercy on us, Thou are Our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people.”

(“ALLAH tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): “Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami bersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri maaflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.”)

Perfect :)

After that the day got even better. The 3 of us just chilled out at home, doing our own things, relaxing and waiting for the time to leave for my birthday dinner. Before we left I was very surprised by a beautiful birthday package from my beloved friend, Dinda. I immediately called her, thanked her and I cried :)) It wasn’t just because of the beautiful present, which I bet she totally thought about it thoroughly. I mean come on!!! A coffee mug and a diary??? That’s practically…ME! :)) In the advertising world we say it “very insightful” :p But I shed some tears because of the fact that she spent some time to even think about it and…made it happen! It was one of the sweetest things a friend has ever done for me.

Then it was time for birthday dinner. After doing some "research" we randomly chose a South American restaurant called El Asador. When we got there I was quite surprised by the ambience of the restaurant. I've read that it’s a family restaurant but I didn’t expect it to be that… Relaxing? The place is comfortable, the waitresses are very nice and most importantly: the food is delicious!!! I don’t know why but I’ve been craving for juicy steaks lately. That was also the reason why I wanted to try this restaurant. From the reviews I’ve read, they said that the steak in El Asador is very delicious. And yes it is! Kukka sticked to her choice: Spaghetti Bolognese -__- I ordered Bifes Con Cebolla: Grilled marinated steak, glazed caramelized onions, served with green salad and seasoned french fries. Hubster ordered Chivito Al Pan: Toasted soft bread, churrasco tenderloin steak, lettuce, tomato, beef ham, beef bacon, mozzarella cheese, fried egg, olives, and homemade mayonnaise, served with seasoned french fries. I must admit although my choice was delicious, but when I saw Hubster’s? I was jealous :))) Well… Since the dinner was a success, I’m pretty sure there will be a next time and that Chivito Al Pan is what I’m going to order! The second the waiter came and put down my plate, I immediately digged into that super juicy medium meat. I didn’t even take a picture of it! :)) It was so yummy my plate was super clean! I meant it! I probably only left some sauce stain on the plate but that was it. Ask Hubster! :)) Kukka also finished her spaghetti and the portion was big!!! For dessert I had Flan With Dulce De Leche. It was also delicious and it came with a Happy Birthday song :) Man my tummy was so full I didn’t even order the (birthday) wine that I’ve planned to have :p

So yes! My 43th birthday was lovely. I’m healthy. I spent it with the ones I treasured. I’m showered with love, prayers and thoughtful wishes from those who care about me. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. 

Alhamdulillah :)

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you

Dear Kukka: Have fun!

So... I'm writing this after we finally got to talk over the phone, baby girl. For your information I've been waiting for that phone call since... Well... Since you got inside and sit on the bus this morning!

Yes, Kukka... I'm starting to miss and worry about you since the last time we waved goodbye to each other this morning. I still can picture your face on the bus window. I know you were excited to go camping with your friends and teachers. But somehow I also saw that sad-worry expression on your face. And your questions from last night? I remember them very well. Last night our pillow talk was more into QA session. You said "I'm so sad I'm going to leave you. What if you get a seizure and Bapa is not home yet? You're all alone at home..."

What have I done to deserve you? Such a loving and caring daughter. Maybe you can't understand this right now but someday... When you're older, when you have a family of your own, when you have children of your own, you'll understand. You will understand my feelings right now. They're all mixed up. I'm proud, I'm amazed, I'm happy and yes, I'm sad. I'm sad that you have to worry about me that much. I'm sad that you have to think about the bad "What if"s about me. I'm sad to see your worried face when you hugged me and said "Don't have a seizure!" before getting into the bus. I'm sad to hear your first question over the phone was "Are you okay, Bubu?" 

Alhamdulillah I've managed to assure you that I am okay. That you shouldn't worry about me. Yes, after dropping you off at school I did have a minor episode but I also took a very long and much needed nap. So now I am fine. Really! And you made me really happy when you finally started to tell me about your day so far. You said "I'm okay! I miss you too but I'm having so much fun! I'm catching animals and stuff! I catch worms, grasshoppers, fishes and stuff! I miss you, Bubu! Bye!"

3 minutes. Yes, the connection was bad but from your voice I could hear that you were not that interested in talking to me too long #LOL I totally understand, baby! I can't wait until tomorrow so I can shower you with hugs and kisses again until you say "Stop it, Bubu! Okay, that's enough!". I'm sure you have tons of fun right now and I'm so happy to know it. The latest photo I received is you and your friends were sitting by the bonfire, wearing raincoats and singing. So I guess it was...raining? And just now your teacher just informed the parents that you and your friends are already in your tents and ready to go to sleep. 

Well, good night, my precious Godsend... Sweet dreams. We'll see each other again tomorrow, okay? Kisses. 

 

Surprise, Surprise!!!

Exactly at 00:00 I received a surprise from my babies. They brought me a chocolate birthday cake with a flickering candle and they sang Happy Birthday to me. What a surprise!!! My eyes were immediately teary...

After receiving birthday hugs and kisses from them, they gave a present, with two things inside. Cooking books!!! Hahahahaha! This was such a surprise!!!! One is called Indonesian Kitchen: 300 popular recipes across the archipelago and the other one is Fancy Cookies!!!!! I was laughing because I didn’t expect these and I also was laughing and got teary eyes because.... I mean... Cooking books???????? Does my husband really think that my cooking is or can be THAT GOOD?????? Hahahahahaha!!!! I’ve been cooking him home made food lately and so far my husband likes my cooking. Since then he’s been encouraging me to cook even more often. But I never thought he would think that I could be this good #LOL I mean, come one!!!! Indonesian recipe book??? Indonesian dishes are probably the most difficult ones to cook! But I guess Hubster has that much confidence in me, eh?! After having some birthday cakes we went to bed. And.....................................

When I woke up again this morning, I saw another surprise on the night stand beside me!!!! Oh my God I didn’t expect this at all!!!! I hugged and kissed my love ones and I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Because I was really, really surprised and also because of the writing on the envelope!!! I was too surprised and too excited to open the present. But then I finally did it. And.....................................................

I laughed again! So hard and even more surprised!!!! A rose gold iPhone 6 SE!!!! The exact type and color I’ve wanted!!! I’ve been whining about wanting this to my husband. I've even browsed about it on the website in front of him! But Hubster always scolded me and said that my current iPhone is still good enough. And that there’s no point of getting a new one, which is true. But now??? I have it in my hand!!! So THIS is the real deal!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! After all these years, my loved ones, especially the big one, can still surprise me.

My babies, thank you soooo much for everything yaaaa! 

Both of you make me really, really happy and feel blessed. 

Not only today, but always. 

And hopefully I can give both of you even more love and happiness in return. 

Kisses!

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 

I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 

No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 

Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 

Always. 

Why This, Why That

Lately I’ve been getting so many questions and I’m afraid that I might answer them wrongly. Some are easy, but lots are tough. I need to be extra careful in answering these questions because the person who keeps bombarding me with them is a very special person.... Yup. It’s my beloved Godsend. Kukka is officially in this stage now. The stage where everything, every time, anything, anytime, can turn into questions. Why, where, when, who, what. I’m not sure when this started but I can assure you that the questions get tougher each day. Random. Innocent. Funny. But tough to answer. At least for me. 

I think the first question that really startled me was about babies. One night while I thought we were going to have our usual aka standard pillow talk, out of the blue, Kukka asked me how parents “make” babies, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how they eat, where do they get the food from, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides that the baby should be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, why did ALLAH decides to make her a girl, etc. One time she asked me:

“You need to get married to have a baby, right Bubu? You can’t have a baby when you’re not married. I have to get married first if I want a baby. Bapa married you and then you have me. Right? I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. Or vagina. That’s where babies come out from. Right??? And why do some people don’t have any babies? Why do you only have one daughter? Why did you want a daughter and not a son? Do you want another baby? Do you want to have a son? Or another daughter? And why didn’t ALLAH give Oom and Tante X a baby? Why do some people have babies and some don’t?”

And so on and so on and so on. I must say the first time it happened I was like... What the....!!! I wasn’t really ready for those kind of questions. But then I thought questions about babies are pretty standard and I knew that one day she would ask me about it. So I took a couple of minutes to breath...and think...until I was quite confident with myself. So as I found myself fully “armed” with reasonable answers that are suitable for kids her age, I answered Kukka’s questions calmly. No. The answers didn’t involve storks carrying babies from a baby factory or magic dusts from the sky. I answered Kukka’s questions as real and as scientific as possible. And that are appropriate for her age of course. It was hilarious. Watching her expression as I explained to her was... Hilarious! #LOL But then the questions and comments got more intense. And totally random yet still about relationships! 

One time, out of the blue Kukka said to me: “I wonder why some of your friends don’t like each other anymore. As husband and wife. That’s sad.” I was startled and then I nervously asked her whom she was talking about. She said she was referring to some friends of mine who got divorced... Yet one of the most shocking moments for me was when she asked “Bubu, why does Nini don't like Om X (one of my ex boyfriends)? Will you do that to me too if I had a boyfriend one day? What if you don't like him?"

WAKWAAAAAAAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH. MY. GOD. In case you’re wondering, yes. My convo with my girl nowadays gets more and more intense and...fun! Typical girl talk. She’s starting to ask me about personal stuff, me as a mother and as a woman. And I’m trying to give her answers as real as possible. Why? Well... Because I personally think kids nowadays should and want to be treated as “real” as possible. They don’t accept make-believe answers anymore like we used to. They are more critical and curious. So I personally think it’s better to give Kukka real answers. Answers that she receives better from me than from somebody or somewhere else. I want Kukka to know that she can ask me about absolutely anything. That no questions are stupid and off-limits. That she doesn’t have to be ashamed. Neither should she hide her curiosity. On the contrary, I always praise her for being so curious. 

Which takes me to this point where I realize that I have to educate myself more about... Well... Everything. If I want my baby to come to me whenever she has questions, I better have the answers, right? That’s why I have to be in tune with current issues and the latest trends. Because I have one very smart and curious daughter here. Objectively speaking, of course. I need to be “well-armed” so whenever Kukka comes to me with questions....or back-talks, I’ll be ready. Oh God yes, I better be ready because before I know it... 

Teen years are coming and SiBapa will be like...  

Dear Kukka: I Love You

Tonight, as I put you down to sleep, I couldn’t hold my tears to run down from my eyes. No, there’s actually nothing special happening. Today is just an ordinary day. Just like any Saturdays when we’ve decided to stay at home. Bapa is playing game (as we speak or better yet, as I type), I was vegging out in front of the tv and you were using your weekend privilege: playing computer game and Youtubing. Like I said. It’s just our usual way to spend our weekend at home. 

Then at around 11pm I’ve decided to put you to bed because I could see that you were actually already sleepy. Very, if I may add. But of course, when I said it was time to go to bed, you whined “But I’m not sleepy...!”. You said it with droopy eyes and sleepy voice. Then I tried to rock you to sleep. But you wanted to hug me instead while we were both lying on the bed. Good for me because... Sweetie, I think you’re getting too big and too heavy for me to carry and rock you like a baby. So there we were, both lying on the bed, with me stroking your hair while you were trying to find the right position to sleep. And of course, while doing it, you kept whining “I’m not sleepy. I don’t want to go to sleep now...” 

At last you found the perfect position to sleep: hugging/wrapping your arms and legs around me like I'm a bolster. You were hugging me so tight I couldn’t sing or even hum you a lullaby. To tell you the truth I even had difficulty to breath #LOL But of course, it wasn’t a problem for me. Actually I always love when we do that. And tonight that was the moment when I started to think...and cry. 

Meine kleine Engelchen, when I unwrapped myself from your tight hug and tucked you in the bed, I couldn’t stop looking at your sweet face. I couldn’t stop kissing your soft and chubby cheeks and your fine hair. I couldn’t stop biting and sniffing your smooth hands. I couldn’t stop “playing” with your super cute nose. I couldn’t stop looking at your pretty face. And that’s when I started to whisper in your ear: 

“I love you.” 

You are the most beautiful, sweet, lovely and precious gift that ALLAH has sent to me. I hope, wish, beg and pray to ALLAH that you will live a long, happy, healthy and blissful life. That you will never ever have to go through or even feel the slightest pain that I have to suffer. And if you do get problems and have your heart broken, which at some point in your life you certainly will, I hope they will only make you stronger and wiser. I pray that you will make the best decisions and that you will be surrounded by good people. And that if you do meet bad ones, they will only make you realize that you have to be way better than them. And baby, at this exact moment I finally truly understand the phrase “I’d take a bullet for you.” Because baby, that’s exactly how I feel about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

Kukka Aiko Farza, my baby, my precious Godsend. Ich liebe Dich, meine kleine süße Schatz. Du bist mein Ein und Alles. You are my strength. You are my rock. You are my forever love. You are my everything. 

Dear Kukka: Live The Moment

You know how much I love to take photos, right? Especially of you. I love it too much that now it looks like it’s starting to bother you. Lately you’d cover up your face with your hands whenever I aim my iPhone camera on you. And while doing it, you’d say “Never!”, stick out your tongue and do that funny wrinkly thingy with your super cute nose. I used to be able to “force” you to take pictures. But now??? Many times I’ve failed. You’re a strong-willed little kid, that I’ve noticed. When you say no, it means... Well... No. I wonder where you got that particular trait from. #leeringatSiBapa 

So as I was saying... Lately I’ve failed to take pictures of you. The ones that I wanted. It makes me sad because to me it feels like I’m losing moments that I want to store forever. Your Bubu is a sentimental and sensitive woman. Go check my closet. I’m sure you can find restaurant receipts, some trinkets and lots of other meaningless stuff that I’ve kept since centuries ago. And all of them must have something to do with a special someone, moment, or...anything! 

Same thing as writing in my diary. And blogging. And tweeting. And Facebooking. And Instagraming. And Pathing. And so on. I do all of that because I want to keep all those special moments that I’ve been through with you. To me it’s all about storing memories. Not flaunting the places we’ve been or the persons we were with. It’s not about showing off your cuteness nor your intelligence. Nope. I do all of that for me. Not even for you or SiBapa. Only for me. Yes. I’m THAT selfish. Do you know how many times I wished I’ve recorded our conversations? Especially lately, when the things we talk about and the questions and comments you give are... Incredible. I always know you’re a very curious and smart girl. Objectively speaking, of course. But seriously, many times your questions and comments are just... Phenomenal. But... Like I said before. Lately I’ve failed to take your pictures, videos or voice. Because you didn’t allow me to and I’ve been wondering why. And then something happened. 

It was bedtime. 3 books later we turned off the light, lying side-by-side on the bed and held hands. And then you started to ask me questions. A lot of them. And it wasn’t kids stuff. Apparently you are already too smart for that, eh?! The questions you asked me... They blown me away. I was in awe and needed a couple of seconds before I could give you answers. I had to be very careful in answering because you, young lady, are also keen in giving sharp feedbacks. Then our Q&A conversation turned into some kind of a discussion. A very interesting one about all sort of stuff. Some were kids stuff, some were... Well... Pretty grown-up subjects. Our discussion was also fun and hilarious. The comments you gave, made me laugh so hard until tears were coming out of my eyes. Why? Because your comments were sharp, smart, funny and very much unpredictable. 

Slowly as the night drifted away, I heard your voice got softer, your questions and comments lesser and your breath heavier. Yet your hand held mine tighter and you snuggled up to me even closer. I kissed your head and I stroked your hair, while continuing telling stories. Mostly about you and me. Then I heard your soft snore and I looked at your sweet face. Seconds gone by and turned practically into minutes. Yet I still hadn’t have enough looking at you. You, my precious, are so pretty. To me you are the prettiest human being I’ve ever seen. I haven’t realize that you’ve grown this much. You don’t look like a baby anymore. You are now officially a “girl”. And then it hit me. 

All this time I've been too busy trying to record everything. I didn't fully enjoy the moments because I was constantly storing them. Yes, by this time, I can't recall every single thing we've talked about and my illness makes it even harder to remember. But I DO REMEMBER that we had so much fun yesterday evening before bed. I do remember I had to wipe my tears again and again because your comments were so funny. I do remember how smart you were. I do remember how you startled me and caught me off guard by your sharp questions. I do remember the feeling and the moment... It was... Beautiful. And most of all, irreplaceable. 

My beloved Godsend,

if you asked me now what kind of questions or comments you've made yesterday and how "serious" our pillow talk went, I'm sorry but I can't give you any answer. Why? Well... Because... You know heheh... Damn AE! But what I can tell you for sure is that we had fun. That we shared a beautiful moment together and we enjoyed every second of it. We might not remember everything but one thing is certain. 

We were living the moment. And we shall continue to do so. Until the end. 

*Picture above is not candid. Thank you for posing, baby #LOL

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love.