Abendlied

So nah seh ich deine Augen, dein schönes Gesicht.

So echt fühle ich deine Lippen, die ich kann nie verzicht.

Doch wann kann es wahr sein, 

alles für mich, nur mein allein.

Im Traum ist jetzt das einzige Möglichkeit,

Dich zu haben bis ans Ende des Zeit.

Parenthood

Probably one of the most complicated things in life. As a mother. As a father. You can't be too hard on your child nor too easy. If you want a perfect child you have to do it just right. Which is obviously impossible. Especially when you're raising your child together with your spouse #Duh Well you know what I mean, right?! Both of you are involved, commited? When it comes to parenting, there will be tons of stuff both of you would disagree with each other. Especially if one of the parents still sees/considers the child as a baby 😅

You think letting your child go biking on a rainy day is bad. Your spouse think it will make her body stronger. The father teaches the child to be polite. The mother tells to just brush other people off. And the list goes on. What most of us as parents often forget is that a child also learns from what she sees and listens. As simple as that. You want your child to be polite. Yet never once you say "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry.". You want your child to be honest. Yet you lie on daily basis. You want your child to be nice. Yet you raise your voice and blame others. You want your child to love you. But first, when was the last time you say "I love you" and mean it?

From the matters you are thinking to the actions you are making to the words you are saying. Your children listen and store everything deep inside their brains. Later on there are possibilities: 1. They will become exactly like you. 2. They will and want to become much better person than you. 3. They will become the person you despise or worse. Maybe there's more. Just leave your comment below. And later on your child will either love you or hate you for it. Some might even need lifetime therapy. 

I personally consider myself to be a very lucky person. I've been raised in a very loving family. I'm sure I've talked about my Mom and Dad, my big sister and big brother like A LOT! 😝 Why? Well... It's because I respect and love them and I love saying and showing it again and again and again. There are some...complications on my side of life story. But the amount of love I've received these past 44 years from my loved ones has been overwhelming, some might be unnecessary or even annoying. I'm sure that's how Kukka feels about her Bubu nowadays 😋 The best part now that she's almost a teenager is how Kukka and I can open up about lots of things. Some even adult stuff 😉 SiBapa also plays his role as a father. Whenever this cute father-daughter couple spend time together they leave SiBubu alone at home.

Anyway... My Precious Godsend and me? We pour our hearts out, share our secrets, what-ifs, fears and regrets. I share my feelings to my girl so we can understand each other better. I advice my daughter not to make the same mistakes I've made. I show my girl how to be strong and patient in the middle of a storm. In short, I try my best to be a good person, for me and her. Because, hopefully, there's a long life ahead of us which we will go through together. As mother and daughter.

And so the parenthood adventure continues. 

"Gimana, 'Ka?"

I can still hear your gentle voice...

I don't want to say or ask why. 

Because it's not my right and place to say.

I have no doubt that ALLAH SWT, 

already has prepared a better place for you up there. 

All I can do now for you is pray and wish. 

That you are now in a better place. 

The place where you certainly deserve to be. 

As a kind and understanding person.

Who had so much love to give and lots of fun to share.

Thank you ALLAH, for the time you gave me to be with Bapa.

Just the two of us.

For giving me the chance to pour my heart out to him. 

And for giving us the priceless time to listen and to comfort each other.

I will cherish that precious moment for the rest of my life.

Dearest Bapa,

May you now rest in peace that you've longed for and deserved.

And I will surely miss our funny, sweet yet serious deeptalks.

I love you. 

Take It Easy Being Forty-Three

Yeah… I’m officially 43 years old now. And my beloved Godsend made sure I remember that by saying again and again that I’m old :)) The first person who sent me a birthday wish was MamaHenny. She sent me a long prayer/message at 00:15 am. Then they, my beloved ones who were busy playing games, came to me and started to sing Happy Birthday in their own annoying ways :))

After midnight I started to get lots of messages. Friends and families from everywhere sent me birthday wishes via chat apps, Facebook, Instagram ea. I was very touched by one particular “present”. A message, telling me to read Al-Baqarah:286. It says:

“ALLAH does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! Do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake. Our Lord! Do not lay on us any burden as Thou didn’t lay on those before us. Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear, and pardon us protection and have mercy on us, Thou are Our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people.”

(“ALLAH tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Ia mendapat pahala (dari kebajikan) yang diusahakannya dan ia mendapat siksa (dari kejahatan) yang dikerjakannya. (Mereka berdoa): “Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau hukum kami jika kami lupa atau kami bersalah. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau bebankan kepada kami beban yang berat sebagaimana Engkau bebankan kepada orang-orang sebelum kami. Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Engkau pikulkan kepada kami apa yang tak sanggup kami memikulnya. Beri maaflah kami; ampunilah kami; dan rahmatilah kami. Engkaulah penolong kami, maka tolonglah kami terhadap kaum yang kafir.”)

Perfect :)

After that the day got even better. The 3 of us just chilled out at home, doing our own things, relaxing and waiting for the time to leave for my birthday dinner. Before we left I was very surprised by a beautiful birthday package from my beloved friend, Dinda. I immediately called her, thanked her and I cried :)) It wasn’t just because of the beautiful present, which I bet she totally thought about it thoroughly. I mean come on!!! A coffee mug and a diary??? That’s practically…ME! :)) In the advertising world we say it “very insightful” :p But I shed some tears because of the fact that she spent some time to even think about it and…made it happen! It was one of the sweetest things a friend has ever done for me.

Then it was time for birthday dinner. After doing some "research" we randomly chose a South American restaurant called El Asador. When we got there I was quite surprised by the ambience of the restaurant. I've read that it’s a family restaurant but I didn’t expect it to be that… Relaxing? The place is comfortable, the waitresses are very nice and most importantly: the food is delicious!!! I don’t know why but I’ve been craving for juicy steaks lately. That was also the reason why I wanted to try this restaurant. From the reviews I’ve read, they said that the steak in El Asador is very delicious. And yes it is! Kukka sticked to her choice: Spaghetti Bolognese -__- I ordered Bifes Con Cebolla: Grilled marinated steak, glazed caramelized onions, served with green salad and seasoned french fries. Hubster ordered Chivito Al Pan: Toasted soft bread, churrasco tenderloin steak, lettuce, tomato, beef ham, beef bacon, mozzarella cheese, fried egg, olives, and homemade mayonnaise, served with seasoned french fries. I must admit although my choice was delicious, but when I saw Hubster’s? I was jealous :))) Well… Since the dinner was a success, I’m pretty sure there will be a next time and that Chivito Al Pan is what I’m going to order! The second the waiter came and put down my plate, I immediately digged into that super juicy medium meat. I didn’t even take a picture of it! :)) It was so yummy my plate was super clean! I meant it! I probably only left some sauce stain on the plate but that was it. Ask Hubster! :)) Kukka also finished her spaghetti and the portion was big!!! For dessert I had Flan With Dulce De Leche. It was also delicious and it came with a Happy Birthday song :) Man my tummy was so full I didn’t even order the (birthday) wine that I’ve planned to have :p

So yes! My 43th birthday was lovely. I’m healthy. I spent it with the ones I treasured. I’m showered with love, prayers and thoughtful wishes from those who care about me. I have absolutely nothing to complain about. 

Alhamdulillah :)

Dear Kukka: Happy 10th!

10 years ago I gave birth 

To the most beautiful human being I've ever seen
Never once in my life I knew that such thing was possible

Not even did I dare dream to happen
Not even once did I feel to deserve
That I would or ever could have the chance to be the mother 
Of the most precious and beautiful godsend 

Who changes my life, my views 
And forever takes most of the love I have in my soul 
Only for her and her alone

Happy 10th birthday my beloved Kukka... 

Being your mother is the greatest gift I’ve ever received
Giving you the most sincere prayers a mother ever could
And protecting you from any harm, inside and out
Would be the best things I can and will ever give you back 
As long as I live

 And I thank ALLAH SWT for this once in a lifetime chance 

I love you

Dear Kukka: Happy 9th Birthday!

No way! There’s no way you’re 9 years old now!!!! MY BABY???? MY PRECIOUS GODSEND???? 9 YEARS OLD??????? Where did all those baby years go????

Good God… No wonder you’ve changed so much! The way you talk, the gestures you do, the comments you make, the questions you ask! So not….baby-like anymore!!! I’m so saaaaaaaaaad! Yet also very excited at the same time :)) I know, I know. It doesn’t make any sense. Just wait and see until you have your own daughter someday. Then you’ll understand. 

This year we celebrated your birthday in Hard Rock Bali again. I think it was your choice? You were very happy, obviously. The fact that we spent the nights in a hotel and you spent the days on the beach until your skin got all wrinkley, that was your idea to have a perfect birthday. But I wonder why you looked kind of embarrased when the Hard Rock Hotel guys brought you a cake and sang to you Happy Birthday… Because you’re not a little girl anymore? :)

But you did have a great birthday, right? Like I wrote on my instagram on your birthday: 

A beautiful soul was born today. 

9 years ago to be exact. 

She changes my life in ways I could never imagine. 

She’s my godsend, my guardian angel. 

My daughter, the love of my life. 

Meine Liebe. Mein Ein und Alles.

Ied Is Coming

Well what do you know… Fasting month is almost over. In 5 hours to be exact (now: 12:50 pm). So it means that tomorrow is Ied, inSha'Allah. The day when families gather together with extra excitement and love fills the air. Unfortunately it’s also the day when unfamiliar faces pop up in front of you and give you awkward hugs and kisses. For some, it’s also the day when you have to answer cringe-worthy questions or comments, such as “Kapan kawin? (When are you going to get married?)" or “Gemukan ya sekarang! (Gaining some weight, have you?)". For me personally, there’s more. No, I’m not talking about my illness. I’m not going to mention how everybody would ask and comment about it as if they really care. It’s about my precious godsend. 

Hubster and I have been blessed with a daughter who has a super cute face and nice features. Ever since she was still a bald baby, Kukka has been showered with compliments. Although she cried like there was no tomorrow :)) But still… Heads were turned, kisses were given and millions of “Aaaaw!"s were said. Heck! Kukka has fans!!! :)) Now the more she’s growing, the more compliments Kukka is getting. And I think Kukka is starting to realize it. Now you see… Here comes the ”problem”. I’ve always…dislike (read: hate) girls who think that they are sooo pretty! Those girls who are too much aware of themselves, especially of their looks. Actually it also goes for boys (or men!). The bottom line is I don’t like people who think that being good-looking make them better than anybody else. Ugh. No way! 

I don’t want my baby girl to grow up to be one of those kids! God forbid. That’s why ever since I could remember, I always give Kukka compliments for being a very caring and very kindhearted girl. Sometimes on her “insecure” days, Kukka would ask me whether I think she’s pretty or not. I have to admit that question makes me feel like I’m a bad and ungrateful mother. Maybe I should praise Kukka more about her looks… Maybe I should give Kukka more compliments everytime she’s all dressed-up whenever we will go out. That’s why lately I’ve been telling Kukka how pretty she looks with her new hairdo or I love the way she mix-and-matches her clothes. 

But afterwards, again and again and again, that along with those physical perks, I tell Kukka that most importantly ALLAH SWT has given her a beautiful heart and a very smart brain. And that is exactly why people love her. Not because she is pretty or because she’s slim and tall. I keep telling Kukka she has a lot of friends because she’s nice, polite and helpful. No matter how difficult she could be, if she does make a mistake, Kukka will apologize (or SiBubu will make her do it! :p). Whenever we come across people how have less, physically or emotionally, I tell Kukka how different our life could be. But look what ALLAH has given us! Good health, comfy home, lots of friends, and most importantly, great love for each other. At the end of the day, I remind Kukka how fortunate her life is and always remember to thank ALLAH for it. Usually after those kind of mother-daughter talk, Kukka will say “I know, Bubu - I understand, Bubu - Yes I will, Bubu.” And most importantly she will hug me tight and say “I love you, Bubu.”

And that, people, 

is how a mother wraps up her day perfectly and the fasting month blissfully. 

Insha'Allah :)

Dear Kukka: Have fun!

So... I'm writing this after we finally got to talk over the phone, baby girl. For your information I've been waiting for that phone call since... Well... Since you got inside and sit on the bus this morning!

Yes, Kukka... I'm starting to miss and worry about you since the last time we waved goodbye to each other this morning. I still can picture your face on the bus window. I know you were excited to go camping with your friends and teachers. But somehow I also saw that sad-worry expression on your face. And your questions from last night? I remember them very well. Last night our pillow talk was more into QA session. You said "I'm so sad I'm going to leave you. What if you get a seizure and Bapa is not home yet? You're all alone at home..."

What have I done to deserve you? Such a loving and caring daughter. Maybe you can't understand this right now but someday... When you're older, when you have a family of your own, when you have children of your own, you'll understand. You will understand my feelings right now. They're all mixed up. I'm proud, I'm amazed, I'm happy and yes, I'm sad. I'm sad that you have to worry about me that much. I'm sad that you have to think about the bad "What if"s about me. I'm sad to see your worried face when you hugged me and said "Don't have a seizure!" before getting into the bus. I'm sad to hear your first question over the phone was "Are you okay, Bubu?" 

Alhamdulillah I've managed to assure you that I am okay. That you shouldn't worry about me. Yes, after dropping you off at school I did have a minor episode but I also took a very long and much needed nap. So now I am fine. Really! And you made me really happy when you finally started to tell me about your day so far. You said "I'm okay! I miss you too but I'm having so much fun! I'm catching animals and stuff! I catch worms, grasshoppers, fishes and stuff! I miss you, Bubu! Bye!"

3 minutes. Yes, the connection was bad but from your voice I could hear that you were not that interested in talking to me too long #LOL I totally understand, baby! I can't wait until tomorrow so I can shower you with hugs and kisses again until you say "Stop it, Bubu! Okay, that's enough!". I'm sure you have tons of fun right now and I'm so happy to know it. The latest photo I received is you and your friends were sitting by the bonfire, wearing raincoats and singing. So I guess it was...raining? And just now your teacher just informed the parents that you and your friends are already in your tents and ready to go to sleep. 

Well, good night, my precious Godsend... Sweet dreams. We'll see each other again tomorrow, okay? Kisses. 

 

Surprise, Surprise!!!

Exactly at 00:00 I received a surprise from my babies. They brought me a chocolate birthday cake with a flickering candle and they sang Happy Birthday to me. What a surprise!!! My eyes were immediately teary...

After receiving birthday hugs and kisses from them, they gave a present, with two things inside. Cooking books!!! Hahahahaha! This was such a surprise!!!! One is called Indonesian Kitchen: 300 popular recipes across the archipelago and the other one is Fancy Cookies!!!!! I was laughing because I didn’t expect these and I also was laughing and got teary eyes because.... I mean... Cooking books???????? Does my husband really think that my cooking is or can be THAT GOOD?????? Hahahahahaha!!!! I’ve been cooking him home made food lately and so far my husband likes my cooking. Since then he’s been encouraging me to cook even more often. But I never thought he would think that I could be this good #LOL I mean, come one!!!! Indonesian recipe book??? Indonesian dishes are probably the most difficult ones to cook! But I guess Hubster has that much confidence in me, eh?! After having some birthday cakes we went to bed. And.....................................

When I woke up again this morning, I saw another surprise on the night stand beside me!!!! Oh my God I didn’t expect this at all!!!! I hugged and kissed my love ones and I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Because I was really, really surprised and also because of the writing on the envelope!!! I was too surprised and too excited to open the present. But then I finally did it. And.....................................................

I laughed again! So hard and even more surprised!!!! A rose gold iPhone 6 SE!!!! The exact type and color I’ve wanted!!! I’ve been whining about wanting this to my husband. I've even browsed about it on the website in front of him! But Hubster always scolded me and said that my current iPhone is still good enough. And that there’s no point of getting a new one, which is true. But now??? I have it in my hand!!! So THIS is the real deal!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! After all these years, my loved ones, especially the big one, can still surprise me.

My babies, thank you soooo much for everything yaaaa! 

Both of you make me really, really happy and feel blessed. 

Not only today, but always. 

And hopefully I can give both of you even more love and happiness in return. 

Kisses!

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 

I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 

No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 

Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 

Always. 

Why This, Why That

Lately I’ve been getting so many questions and I’m afraid that I might answer them wrongly. Some are easy, but lots are tough. I need to be extra careful in answering these questions because the person who keeps bombarding me with them is a very special person.... Yup. It’s my beloved Godsend. Kukka is officially in this stage now. The stage where everything, every time, anything, anytime, can turn into questions. Why, where, when, who, what. I’m not sure when this started but I can assure you that the questions get tougher each day. Random. Innocent. Funny. But tough to answer. At least for me. 

I think the first question that really startled me was about babies. One night while I thought we were going to have our usual aka standard pillow talk, out of the blue, Kukka asked me how parents “make” babies, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how they eat, where do they get the food from, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides that the baby should be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, why did ALLAH decides to make her a girl, etc. One time she asked me:

“You need to get married to have a baby, right Bubu? You can’t have a baby when you’re not married. I have to get married first if I want a baby. Bapa married you and then you have me. Right? I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. Or vagina. That’s where babies come out from. Right??? And why do some people don’t have any babies? Why do you only have one daughter? Why did you want a daughter and not a son? Do you want another baby? Do you want to have a son? Or another daughter? And why didn’t ALLAH give Oom and Tante X a baby? Why do some people have babies and some don’t?”

And so on and so on and so on. I must say the first time it happened I was like... What the....!!! I wasn’t really ready for those kind of questions. But then I thought questions about babies are pretty standard and I knew that one day she would ask me about it. So I took a couple of minutes to breath...and think...until I was quite confident with myself. So as I found myself fully “armed” with reasonable answers that are suitable for kids her age, I answered Kukka’s questions calmly. No. The answers didn’t involve storks carrying babies from a baby factory or magic dusts from the sky. I answered Kukka’s questions as real and as scientific as possible. And that are appropriate for her age of course. It was hilarious. Watching her expression as I explained to her was... Hilarious! #LOL But then the questions and comments got more intense. And totally random yet still about relationships! 

One time, out of the blue Kukka said to me: “I wonder why some of your friends don’t like each other anymore. As husband and wife. That’s sad.” I was startled and then I nervously asked her whom she was talking about. She said she was referring to some friends of mine who got divorced... Yet one of the most shocking moments for me was when she asked “Bubu, why does Nini don't like Om X (one of my ex boyfriends)? Will you do that to me too if I had a boyfriend one day? What if you don't like him?"

WAKWAAAAAAAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH. MY. GOD. In case you’re wondering, yes. My convo with my girl nowadays gets more and more intense and...fun! Typical girl talk. She’s starting to ask me about personal stuff, me as a mother and as a woman. And I’m trying to give her answers as real as possible. Why? Well... Because I personally think kids nowadays should and want to be treated as “real” as possible. They don’t accept make-believe answers anymore like we used to. They are more critical and curious. So I personally think it’s better to give Kukka real answers. Answers that she receives better from me than from somebody or somewhere else. I want Kukka to know that she can ask me about absolutely anything. That no questions are stupid and off-limits. That she doesn’t have to be ashamed. Neither should she hide her curiosity. On the contrary, I always praise her for being so curious. 

Which takes me to this point where I realize that I have to educate myself more about... Well... Everything. If I want my baby to come to me whenever she has questions, I better have the answers, right? That’s why I have to be in tune with current issues and the latest trends. Because I have one very smart and curious daughter here. Objectively speaking, of course. I need to be “well-armed” so whenever Kukka comes to me with questions....or back-talks, I’ll be ready. Oh God yes, I better be ready because before I know it... 

Teen years are coming and SiBapa will be like...  

Dear Kukka: I Love You

Tonight, as I put you down to sleep, I couldn’t hold my tears to run down from my eyes. No, there’s actually nothing special happening. Today is just an ordinary day. Just like any Saturdays when we’ve decided to stay at home. Bapa is playing game (as we speak or better yet, as I type), I was vegging out in front of the tv and you were using your weekend privilege: playing computer game and Youtubing. Like I said. It’s just our usual way to spend our weekend at home. 

Then at around 11pm I’ve decided to put you to bed because I could see that you were actually already sleepy. Very, if I may add. But of course, when I said it was time to go to bed, you whined “But I’m not sleepy...!”. You said it with droopy eyes and sleepy voice. Then I tried to rock you to sleep. But you wanted to hug me instead while we were both lying on the bed. Good for me because... Sweetie, I think you’re getting too big and too heavy for me to carry and rock you like a baby. So there we were, both lying on the bed, with me stroking your hair while you were trying to find the right position to sleep. And of course, while doing it, you kept whining “I’m not sleepy. I don’t want to go to sleep now...” 

At last you found the perfect position to sleep: hugging/wrapping your arms and legs around me like I'm a bolster. You were hugging me so tight I couldn’t sing or even hum you a lullaby. To tell you the truth I even had difficulty to breath #LOL But of course, it wasn’t a problem for me. Actually I always love when we do that. And tonight that was the moment when I started to think...and cry. 

Meine kleine Engelchen, when I unwrapped myself from your tight hug and tucked you in the bed, I couldn’t stop looking at your sweet face. I couldn’t stop kissing your soft and chubby cheeks and your fine hair. I couldn’t stop biting and sniffing your smooth hands. I couldn’t stop “playing” with your super cute nose. I couldn’t stop looking at your pretty face. And that’s when I started to whisper in your ear: 

“I love you.” 

You are the most beautiful, sweet, lovely and precious gift that ALLAH has sent to me. I hope, wish, beg and pray to ALLAH that you will live a long, happy, healthy and blissful life. That you will never ever have to go through or even feel the slightest pain that I have to suffer. And if you do get problems and have your heart broken, which at some point in your life you certainly will, I hope they will only make you stronger and wiser. I pray that you will make the best decisions and that you will be surrounded by good people. And that if you do meet bad ones, they will only make you realize that you have to be way better than them. And baby, at this exact moment I finally truly understand the phrase “I’d take a bullet for you.” Because baby, that’s exactly how I feel about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

Kukka Aiko Farza, my baby, my precious Godsend. Ich liebe Dich, meine kleine süße Schatz. Du bist mein Ein und Alles. You are my strength. You are my rock. You are my forever love. You are my everything. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

Dear Kukka: I'm Sorry

Mein Liebling. Mein Schatz. 

Today please give me some time to explain and to apologize to you. It’s about you and me. It’s about me as your mother. It’s about your right as my daughter. It’s about what should’ve been. It’s about what has to be done. 

Meine Liebe Kukka, my apology to you is actually already long overdue but alhamdulillah ALLAH still gives me time to do it. Well, actually right now I’m still doing it on writing... But I promise as soon as you come home from school today, I will apologize to you personally. 

My precious Godsend,

Minutes ago, when I was on my iPhone, like always, checking about useless stuff online, something just...hit me. Something slammed my conscious. I can’t remember what it was or how it started but I’m starting to think about us. About me as your mother. I hope it’s not too late but I just realize that... I am not a good mother. Not good enough. Why?

Because instead of being with you, most of the time I’m pretty much fixated by my social medias’ friends. Laughing at their jokes and not your funny stories. Which I know you actually have a lot to share... But sadly many times I just hear them out. But not really listening to you... 

Because when I’m with you, a lot of times I’m busy chatting with my friends on my chat apps instead of asking you about how your day was at school, your friends, your hobbies. Or about many other things. Like those Puffles you love so much. 

I’m so sorry because you have to call me more than one time to get my attention while I’m busy editing photos instead of admiring your super sweet face... Which is right there in front of me. Already perfectly created by THE ALMIGHTY.

Dear Kukka... 

Mein Ein und Alles. My everything. I’m writing this post while you’re still at school. But I promise as soon as you come home, I will put my iPhone down, shut down my Mac and start apologizing to you. I will tell you that I’m sorry and I hope you will give me another chance to start over. 

I love you, my precious Godsend. Let’s make our relationship as mother and daughter much better, okay? And I’ll show you that I can also be fun like your beloved Bapa. Or maybe even more!!! :p 

Updated: 

I showed Kukka this blog post and I didn't expect this kind of reaction from her. My precious Godsend cried... And while I was wiping tears from her eyes, she said: "Because it's so sad... It's like you... It's so sad..." And this was her expression while reading it. My sweet, beautiful, sensitive precious Godsend :) 

Sehnsucht ist...

...wenn alles was Du sehen kannst ist seine Lächeln.

...wenn alles was Du küssen möchtest ist seine Lippe.

...wenn alles was Du hören kannst ist seine Stimme. 

...wenn alles was Du spüren möchtest sind seine Hände.

Ja.. Deins...

Tag und Nacht. 

In Wirklichkeit. 

Oder nur Träume. 

Egal wann oder wo.

Solange es ist Du bist.

Und kein anderer. 

The Best Teacher Awards

Today (almost) everybody is celebrating Teacher’s Day. In my Facebook timeline there are lots of friends who are saying or sending thank yous to their teachers. Me? I never do that because I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. But this time, I want to. In fact, I really, really want to. I want to say thank you to 2 of the best teachers I’ve ever have in my life. First I want to say thank you to:

My Mom. 

If you really knew me, you must know how much I love and admire my Mom. Not only because to me she’s the best mother in the whole universe. But she really is as a matter of fact a teacher. A very good one too. As long as I can remember, my mom has been teaching english and french almost her entire life. So it means that she dedicates her life not only to her children, but also to her students. Mom used to teach english and french at home and in big companies. But now she teaches only at home. When I was still a little girl, I used to “hang around” (read: crashing) her classes. Many times I wrote and drew stuff on the white board while Mom was busy giving lessons. Sometimes I only sat down, drawing, reading or playing while watching and listening to Mom and her students. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because I didn’t have anyone else to play with?! #LOL It was fun though. Especially crashing a particular english class at home, filled with her good friends. Her students aka “Tante-Tante” are all nice and they laugh a lot. Sounded more like they were hanging out, drinking tea and coffee and enjoying snacks instead of learning a language #LOL 

And you know what?!?!? The class is still going on as we speak!! Yes! Every once a week Mom and her friends/students get together, teaching-learning english in my mom’s living room and have fun. And then once in a month when the class is over, they go out to have mie ayam or bakso in their favorite places. To me a teacher is considered to be a good one if her students are happy with the way she teaches and always looking forward to attend her class. My Mom’s english class is the best example :)

The second Best Teacher Award goes to:

My big brother. 

Eza, that’s the way I call him. He is the kind of big brother a little sister could ever wished for. Eza is caring, loving, very protective, helpful aaaaaand eventhough I’m already 39, he’s still spoiling and treating me like I’m 5yo :p I admire Eza like.... Well... There’s no words to describe my admiration to him. To me, Eza is the smartest, coolest, funniest, most handsome big brother in the whole wide world!!!!! It’s like he has answers to every question I have. Whether it’s about technology, health, science, religion, life... You name it!!! Eza knows everything!!!!! Yes!! That’s one very, very proud little sister talking! There’s a lot of things I know that I got from Eza. For example, to my bestie, Neng Keke, I’m her friend who knows a lot about technology. A techie girl so to speak. When she has problems with her phone or computer or stuff, Keke would come to me and ask me how to solve the problem. And she’s not the only one! A lot of my friends come to me and ask me about techies stuff. What they don’t know is that before I give them the answers, I ask Eza first!! HA!!! #LOL

As I mentioned before, Eza is also a very loving big brother. Not only to me, but he loves Kukka like...... Ah.... I don’t know how big his love is for my little girl. But if you see Eza’s eyes when he looks at Kukka.... The only thing you will see is love. And of course, my little girl loves and admires her Ua Eza too!!! Especially now!!! Because lately she’s been spending a lot of time with Ua Eza and learning “cool stuff” from him. Cool as in naughty!!! Like pillow fights, burping outloud, etc. Stuff that Eza used to teach me!! #LOL

So... There you go. Before this day ends, I would like to give these awards to Mom and Eza. 

Mom, there’s no single day goes by without me thanking to ALLAH for letting me have this honor to have you as my mother. I love you and only ALLAH knows how much. 

And Eza... I have no other words to say to you besides “I love you”. I will always be your “Tem Tem”. Always. 

Baby Girl No More

I just finished putting my baby girl to sleep. Miraculously tonight it took less than 10 minutes to make her snore comfortably. All I did was just telling Kukka a couple of stories and singing some short lullabies. As I stroked her soft hair and watched her slowly close her sleepy eyes, tears began to fill my eyes. 

This girl... This sweet, cheeky and cute little girl is getting bigger and bigger everyday... And I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I stroke Kukka’s hair and covering her body with a warm blanket, I just realized how much my precious Godsend has grown up now... 

I can't believe how tall my Godsend has become... Her legs are not chunky anymore. Now they are long and lean. Kukka’s cheeks are still full but her sharp chin make them look not as chubby as they used to be... 

I started to kiss Kukka's cheeks again and again and again. And then I started to kiss her eyes, her forehead, her hair, her nose, her hands, her...everything! And my tears kept falling and falling. Oh, only God knows how much I love this sweet little girl! And only God knows how I’m so not ready for her to grow up yet... 

How do you do this? How do you prepare yourself and be ready to accept that your baby is.... Well... Not a baby anymore?! That one day she might not come to you for advices, hugs and kisses anymore. That one day she might choose to keep things to herself rather than tell you about what she wants and what she likes. Or about everything for that matter!! How does a mother do it??? When will a mother be ready for all these things to happen to her precious daughter? Or then again... 

Do I want to be ready????? 

Daddy’s Girl

I probably already said it but who cares! I’m gonna say it again!!!!

DADS WITH DAUGHTERS ARE SO WEAK!!!!!!

And today I just prove that (once again) I’m right! So this morning Hubster, Kukka and I went for a stroll. Hubster bought Kukka a new bike, which she picked out by herself so she would be more determined to learn how to ride a bike. 

So this morning the three of us woke up earlier than we used to, Hubs got into his running outfit, me in my...strolling clothes and Kukka with her new bike. Since it was a nice weather, we decided to go out from the cluster. It was a very nice Sunday morning. A lot of people were jogging, strolling and biking. Young, old, couples, singles, kids. We were having fun but then the drama happened. 

Long story short, Kukka didn’t want to ride on her new bike anymore because she kept falling to the side. After only a couple of tries she already gave up! And it’s not even the 2-wheels one yet!!!! It happened because she was leaning either too much to the left or to the right while she was riding. And for some reason sometimes she stopped pedaling which made the bike.... Well... Stopped. I think Kukka was expecting the bike to keep on moving forward by itself or something. Hubster and I told her to keep on trying and trying and that we would be there to help her. We also tried to make the learning process fun by saying and doing sily things. But Kukka wasn’t eager enough to learn and to make it even worse, tears started to run down from her eyes. Which totally ruined the mood and the moment. 

Hubster snapped. He said something like “Kukka selalu gitu! Nggak bisa dikit, nangis. Kalo kaya gitu terus, kapan mau bisanya?!” And then he got up, carried the bike and walked back home, leaving Kukka and me behind. I knew that Hubster was as disappointed as I was. Not to mention very tired too! I totally agreed with him. This kind of attitude is one of Kukka's bad traits. She quits easily. Sometimes I think it’s because Kukka knows that somebody will always fall for her sad face and ends up helping her. But this time I was surprised. Her dad WAS really upset. I forgot how long it was but I was impressed. Hubster actually managed to be (or at least to look) angry and ignored his precious daughter for a couple of hours!! :))) Eventhough she cried under the pillows and slowly approaching him by asking questions about the game he was playing. When they finally making skin contact (Kukka leaning on Bapa’s body, watching and commenting about the game), I was giving Hubster signs. Yes! I gave him signs NOT TO GIVE UP TOO EASILY to his little girl’s approach!!!! I could totally see it in his eyes that he was about to give up to that cute face. Not to mention the super sweet little voice. The way she says “Bapa...” Well... Yeah... Just like that, after making new promises and deals, Kukka ended up sitting on her beloved Bapa’s lap, sharing hugs and kisses. Totally predictable :))) #Buburollingeyes #Bubuyawning #Meh

Hours later Hubster came to me and made a confession. Yes, he was actually wondering whether he was being too hard on Kukka. He was thinking something like: 

“Apa aku terlalu keras ya... Sebenernya kan dia cuma mau having fun...”  

Dads and daughters. 

SiBapa and SiBuhat. 

#MAJORMEH :))))))