Dear Dad

Hey Dad...

How are things on the other side?

Life has been tough with this sadness I cannot hide.

Your happy face and content smile.

Your loud laughter that filled every aisle.

Still lingering in my memory.

And will always roam in my heart freely.

"Alhamdulillah" I bet you would say.

If I kissed and asked you "How's your day?"

With those friendly eyes you'd look at me.

And answered "Terima kasih." to my prayers sincerely.

Today I want to add something extra.

Along with a cup from this place you used to like.

Happy 90th birthday Dad 🥰

In sha' Allah with all those good deeds you've done in life,

you'll spend forever with you true love.

My beloved Mom, your loving wife.

Amen

 

The Dengue Diary

On April 24th I received a message from my Precious Godsend during school hours. Her text said that "Hey Bubu... I'm not feeling well, my tummy hurts and my body is pegel. Also I feel like my head hurts a bit. I think I'm warm too. I'm in the UKS, haven't picked up lunch yet". I immediately texted the teacher and picked up my baby at school. Yes. She had the fever. And it didn't go away eventhough I did all the usuals. On the contrary, her fever went up and the weirdest thing was Kukka said that her whole body was really sore. She wanted me to keep massaging her, especially the legs, with minyak kayu putih. Then Kukka asked me if I could sleep in her bedroom and we hugged all night... When I had her in my arms I tried very hard not to cry because of the high fever. It was pretty scary 😢

After 2 days Kukka's condition didn't get any better. She was so weak. It wasn't just because of the fever. But also the not wanting to eat nor drink part. I was confused because it never happened before. I mean eventhough she was down with the flu or even a sore throat, Kukka never rejected any food. But now? No wonder she didn't have any energy at all 😢 On April 26th I decided to take Kukka to RSPI Bintaro. Finally the nurse called her name and we met dr. Liza Fitria, Sp. A. The doctor examined my girl thoroughly and asked both of us a lot of questions. At the end dr. Liza said that Kukka had to take a blood test and she would contact me as soon as the result came out. Late afternoon I received an e-mail from the hospital and dr. Liza called. Just as she had predicted: D E N G U E 😢

Long story short and a couple of blood tests later, on April 29th SiBapa, Kukka and I went to see the doctor. During the check up, dr. Liza gave us a very clear explanation about the dengue fever and why it can be dangerous. Her description about how the dengue fever works was easy to understand. AND I RECORDED THE WHOLE THING! YEAY! 😆

Edited: 

"Kukka ketemu saya tanggal 26. Demamnya Kamis berarti Sabtu hari ke-2. Jadi sekarang hari ke-5. Di awal datang tromobositnya udah di bawah 200 ribu. Lekosit rendah. Normal minimal 5000. Hematocrit berhubungan dengan Hb. Biasanya DBD turunnya lekosit seiring dengan trombosit. Jadi lekosit turun, biasanya trombosit turun juga. Tiap orang beda-beda. Cuma kalau lekosit lagi rendah, virus lagi aktif-aktifnya. Makanya lekosit turun, trombosit turun sampai mencapai titik terendah lalu akan naik. Hb akan naik sendiri padahal ngga dikasih apa-apa. 

Yang dikhawatirkan pada DBD adalah Plasma Leakage: pembuluh darah seperti selang air. Kalau selang air ngga bocor, air ngga keluar sehingga tetap bulet. Karena DBD, ada radang, selang bocor kecil-kecil. Air di dalam keluar. Tergantung bocornya. Ada yang kecil, ada yang besar. Plasma leakage, hb naik. Kalau cairan keluar, pembuluh darah jadi kempot. 

Obat DBD: CAIRAN!!! Untuk ganti cairan yang keluar. Kalau pembuluh darah bagus, sirkulasi ke tubuh bagus. Kalau kempot: SHOCK. Hari ke-4 dan ke-5 adalah di saat DBD kritis. Kebocoran paling tinggi. Apakah 86 titik terendah Kukka? Kalau dirawat, periksa darah 1x sehari. Kalau ngga dirawat, sehari 2x. Kalau dilihat dari hasil lab, lihat kondisi Kukka dipantau di rumah masih aman. Karena tekanan darah bagus, tangannya anget. Biasanya yang khawatir tangan kaki dingin, nadi ngga keraba kuat, pipis berkurang. Bintik-bintik sekarang ngga selalu. Begitu ada perbaikan tromobosit naik sendiri. Cuma kalau makin rendah, makin ketat pemantauannya. 

Tanda bahaya: makin lemas, tangan kaki dingin, dibangunin atau diajak ngomong susah, pipisnya sangat-sangat berkurang. Harus cepat-cepat dibawa! Kalau ngga, ok lah... Salah satu sign penyembuhan: lekosit naik. Tapi ngga selalu berbarengan. Kalau lekosit tinggi sama dengan bakteri. Bakteri obatnya antibiotik. Kalau DBD pasti virus. DBD juga sedikit ada peradangan ringan di liver. Dipencet sakit. Tapi ngga gede."

When asked how she felt about food, Kukka: "Ini si buat makanan, sometimes aku rasa kaya ga mau makan. Kolo makan kayanya aku si cuma suka kolo yang tidak besar banget kaya roti kaya gitu. Kayanya si aku mau sup hari ini."

😄😄😄

Kukka's question to her doctor: What do I do to get my ini up? (Trombosit)

SiBapa: Promise to yourself never play cellphone again.

😂😂😂

At the end dr. Liza let us decide: rawat inap or rawat jalan. SiBapa and I, and of course the patient herself, decided: outpatient treatment. But Kukka had to come to the hospital every day and take the necessary blood tests. Because it was more comfortable for Kukka to sleep in her own bedroom and obviously easier for me to take care of my girl, we said okay. SiBapa also said to dr. Liza: "Deket banget." Yeah... It takes less than 5 minutes from our house to get to RSPI Bintaro. Alhamdulillah.

Anyways... In total my strong girl took 7 blood tests like a champ! There was this one time when she had to take blood tests twice a day! Eventhough there was no whining about the tests, the dengue fever did make Kukka sob like a baby. There was this one day when my baby was so frustrated. She got angry and cried and cried and cried then yelled "Kukka ga mau sakit!!!!" 😢😢😢 She also complained with a sad face that she really missed her friends. Aaaaaw 🥹 Yuli said: "Emang kalo lagi DBD jadi mellow banget bu! Yuli nangiiiiis melulu waktu DBD!" Oh my....

Well Bubu was frustrated too... 😭😩 There was nothing I could do for my Precious Godsend... I kissed. I hugged. I gently massaged her whole body and said all the things a sick person would love to hear to make it a little bit better. I fed her like a baby, made sure she drank plenty of water and finished the fresh guava juice which Yuli have prepared until the last drop. At first Kukka didn't like it. She almost gagged. But I practically shoved the big glass of guava juice in Kukka's mouth and made sure she finished it until the last drop 😆 After a couple of glasses later Kukka said that the guava juice wasn't that bad after all 😄 Still... I could not make the pain and itchiness go away 😭 

Yes! Kukka's whole body was very itchy but she couldn't tell where and how to make it go away! It felt like the itchiness came from the inside 😢 Lucky us dr. Liza is the kind of doctor who is willing to be contacted and bombarded with questions by her patients!!! Just like The Rocksy! 😉 I immediately texted dr. Liza. Her explanation: "Itu namanya Rash Convalescent bu. Salah satu tanda2 sembuh dari DBD." 

Alhamdulillah.... And finally on May, 3rd morning Kukka took the final blood test, Bubu texted dr. Liza and she replied: "Udah bagus bu. Ga usah cek-cek lagi. Boleh sekolah." For real??? ALHAMDULILLAAAAH! Both of us screamed happily and I sent the doctor tons of thank yous and many other things!

On May, 5th Bubu's strong girl finally went to school and met her friends who welcome her with "Wow Kukka! You're back!" 

And that's how my brave Precious Godsend beat the dengue fever 💪🏼 

Sing sehat terus ya neeeeng 🥰😘

Mom & Dad's Passing: 48 Days Later

January 2025. 

I needed 48 days to be able to write about this... It still feels like a dream. A neverending sad dream which makes me wake up in tears. Even to this day, seconds after I open my eyes... Every morning I often ask myself: is this real? Did it really happen? How can it be? Oh it's impossible! I must be having those kind of hallucinations! I have to snap out of it and try really hard to be present. I can do it! 

But then... The memories slowly crawl back in. And the pictures I have on my phone are proof that... Oh god how can I do this???? A couple of sentences and I'm already having a hard time looking at the monitor... My eyes are full of tears. Am I ever going to be ready or strong or whatever it is that people keep telling me... What's the word again? Oh yeah... IKHLAS. 

Yet again... How do you write when you're still drowning in tears? How do you find the right words to use and which to avoid? How do you pour your heart out when a huge chunk of it is shattered in pieces? How do you express grief using only the right words? How do you do anything at all when a person you love... Wait no! TWO! A couple you've loved all your life, have left you? How do you write about losing your beloved parents? 

On Friday, November 15th at 22:42 WIB my Mom passed away. Then on Friday, November 27th at 21:12 WIB, it was my Dad. He passed away exactly 2 weeks later.

Mom and Dad are gone. Forever. 

It all started when Mom got very sick mid 2024... Everything went downhill afterwards... I knew it was quite alarming and all but... Come on! She was going to be alright!!! I kept thinking oh it's just Mom being grumpy and spoiled. Always complaining about everything. But yes! She was going to be alright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom would never be in that certain state I've always afraid of... 

You see... Ever since I could remember I've always been afraid that something bad would happen to my Mom... Because... Well... For starters... Mom was older than my friends' mothers at school. She was probably the oldest. It always made me... Scared? Worried? Confused? The other mothers at school were still young. I think I was about 9 years old...? Which means Mom was in her 50s... I remember being worried that my mother would pass away very soon because she was old... It was silly. I know. But now.....????????????????????? 

Since the day Mom was submitted into the hospital I always kept my cellphone close. Teteh and Eza never stopped updating me about her condition. Complete with pictures and videos... Reading messages about Mom's latest state always made me felt... How do I say it? Alarmed? Because sadly Mom's condition kept getting worse... Those last couple of days were tough and tiring. I had seizures like 2-4 times a day. The seizures usually happened after I visited Mom. I tried to recite a couple of surahs next to her bed while holding her hand. But it was pretty tough... I choked most of the time because I couldn't stop crying... Because... Well I still cry the second I think of Mom... Or whenever I open our family Whatsapp group... 

And then there it was. Friday night.................. I still remember I never cried that hard in my life... I fell down on my knees and I wailed and wailed and wailed.... I almost lost my breath. Everything hurts. My chest. My head. My eyes. My mouth. My throat. Basically my whole body. But most of all: my heart. And when I arrived in Bogor the next day I saw Mom's body lying on the carpet... Covered with batik cloth. I was allowed to open it to see Mom's face. As long as I didn't drop any tears on her... But I just couldn't... I cried. Hard. Some people hugged me and said "Sabar ya..." and "I know." and many other things. Can't really remember who they were. Every sound seemed like unnecessary distortion. I felt suffocated. The last thing I remember was I decided not to come along to the cemetery because: 1. I might have another seizure and cause troubles. 2. I passed out on the living room carpet when people tried to put Mom's body in the ambulance. ........ So yeah............. I stayed.

I cried myself to sleep that night. And the nights after. Followed by lots of seizures. Plus I was worried about Dad whose health began to decline. Oh wait? Did I tell you that Dad was ALSO submitted in the hospital??? Yes. Mom was in RSUP Persahabatan Jakarta and Dad was in RS Ummi Bogor... Both were in a coma. Teteh, Eza and I tried our best to be with our parents as often as we could. But mostly it was Teteh and Eza... They made schedules who stayed with who and when... 

Those times I visited Dad after Mom passed away I felt... I don't know... I was terrified that his health might get even worse... Everytime I spent time with Dad, the sadness I felt was unbearable... I held his hand and recited a couple of surahs. I shared some secrets and asked "Are you listening, Dad? Are you holding my hand really tight because you're listening? Well... It's a secret okay? Don't tell anyone." Even in a coma Dad still managed to make me laugh. While telling Dad some stories I tried very hard not to mention anything about Mom. My Dad didn't know that the love of his life is gone... Or did he? 

Because 2 weeks later Daddy passed away... 2 WEEKS LATER!!!!! Ya ALLAH... It's like coming straight out of a romantic movie! A couple who made a pact to live and die together! I also found out that Mom and Dad actually went "grave shopping" together! I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or crying... I was like "Harus banget ya berduaan terus!"... And now here I am soaked in tears. Thinking about the couple who showered me with love since Day 1. If there's such thing as too much love, it was theirs for their children.

Everybody who knows me is very much aware of how much I love my family. Especially Mom and Dad. When I posted the news about their passing I was immediately showered by lots of love and supports. Encouraging words keep coming in even to this day! I guess my Dad was right. Despite of all the misfortunes one has in life, according to my Dad: "Hidup itu indah." We should always be grateful and enjoy every second of it. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me. I. KNOW. I guess the easiest way is to start by staying true and close to your loved ones. Make sure you leave each other the brightest smile even during the toughest times.

5 Things To Master In 2025

1. Accept the things I can and cannot change.

2. Smile because life is beautiful.

3. Patience attracts health and happiness.

4. Presence is the best present for others and myself.

5. Love is self explanatory.

Amen.

Happy New Year 2025

 

Enjoy Heaven Dad...

Friday, November 29th 2024

21:12 WIB

I love you Mom...

Friday, November 15th 2024

22:42 WIB

KinoFest 2024 - Festival Film Jerman

It started with me participating a quiz from Goethe Institut Jakarta to win a ticket to Opening Night of KinoFest 2024. The question was very simple: "Dalam ajang Academy Award ke-96, film Das Lehrerzimmer mendapatkan nominasi untuk kategori...?". I was like seriously? 😆 I immediately tweeted the answer and waited. It felt more like a gamble rather than a quiz 🤪 

On Tuesday, the 8th I received a message from Goethe Institut: "Selamat! Kamu terpilih untuk menerima undangan menghadiri pembukaan KinoFest pada Kamis, 10 Oktober 2024. Acara akan dimulai pukul 19:00 WIB di GoetheHaus Jakarta, Jl. Sam Ratulangi 9-15, Jakarta Pusat." I was like YEAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 I really wanted to watch Das Lehrerzimmer! Alhamdulillah after organizing what had to be organized at home (kiddo, house, Moochi etc) I went to Goethe 🙂

It was my first KinoFest. I didn't know what to expect. It was somewhat...confusing at first. Especially because I was there alone. I didn't know anybody 🤷🏻‍♀️ While the guests I saw came either in couples or groups. But being alone in public has never been a problem for me. So yeah... Alles gut 😀 After a couple of opening speeches the movie finally started.

I enjoyed every minute of Das Lehrerzimmer or The Teacher's Lounge 😉🤩 It's funny, exciting, sad, annoying, felt like a light movie to watch when it actually has heavy subjects... I'm not trying to be a movie critic here but yes! Das Lehrerzimmer is totally worth the hype 😃 The end scene almost made me laugh outloud and scream "ALRIIIIIGHT!" 😂 I don't want to give any spoilers. Because if you do have the opportunity to watch this movie, watch! Best with your kid. Or students! 😃 

Then it was time to enjoy dinner and... Well.. Beer of course 🍺 Unfortunately I didn't spend a long time at the after party. I have a kid at home and it was already pass my bedtime 😆 I told this Goethe guy (Entschuldigung aber I kann Ihre Name nicht erinnern 😅) that tonight's event was great and I wished him/Goethe Haus: Vielen Dank für den schönen Abend. Viel Glück und ich freue mich auf den nächsten KinoFest. PROST! 🍻 

Bubu and Kukka at Art Jakarta

It was our first Art Jakarta 2024 and we had a blast! My Precious Godsend and I had another opportunity to see and meet extraordinary artists presenting their masterpieces. Based on our experience from visiting Art Moment, Kukka and I leaved home early because we wanted to arrive at JIEXPO Kemayoran way before opening hour. And again. It was a wise decision. If I remember correctly... 🤔 It seemed that more visitors were there compared to Art Jakarta... Aaaaand it was kinda... Unorganized? Maybe it's just me... And my girl. But that's how I felt. The traffic inside the hall was confusing. We didn't know where to go or what to see first. We, especially me, were like "Wait! Did we already see this? Or haven't we?" Lucky me, my Precious Godsend always reminded me "We saw this one already. Let's go this way! Bubu, yang itu sudah dilihat. Bubu, don't miss this one!" 😂 Many times we did have different interests when I wanted to spend more time admiring 1 particular art while Kukka already wanted to move on to another one. That's one of the reasons why we always have a meeting point. Just in case there's a problem with our cellphones 😉

Art Jakarta was full with extraordinary and incredible artworks. Kukka and I were like 2 kids in a giant toy store. I remember how I couldn't stop thinking about the artists behind their masterpieces. To think that there are people who have these kind of talents you know... Unbelievable. I also remember I kept saying to my girl that maybe 1 day her art work will be shown in this kind of exhibition. Who knows right? Amen. 😊

Our visit got even better when I had the chance to have a chat with some of the artists. Great people, great stories, great art. I also have my personal favorites such as:

1. KAPAL TANPA LAUTAN. A collaboration between @mangmoel and @yudisulityoart 😍😍 What can I say about this one other than: BAGUS BANGEEEEEEET!!!! 😱😱😱

2. Alice in Wonderland by @bohemian_27 It's fun, beautiful, interesting, brilliant and everything in between. The objects in the picture were moving for god's sake!! How cool is that!?!?!? Alice, Mad Hatter,... CHESHIRE CAT!!! 😻😻😻 Pinocchio was also there!! Lucky me I also had the opportunity to chat with the brilliant artist himself.  

                               

3. Unfortunately I didn't get the name of this art. But this particular masterpiece reminded me of my everlasting love: Trent Reznor's 😆 - The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails. Those were the series of words that popped up in my head 😆

4. Skeleton Snoopy. Well... Everybody who knows me well must know that I have a thing for skeletons 😆 So when I came across a giant skeleton Snoopy I was... 😱

5. These are simply adorable I wanted to take the arts and the book home!

6. And these are the rest of my favorites: 

When Kukka and I went home we couldn't stop talking about our favorite art pieces. And of course the best part of the day was to see the excitement I saw in my baby's eyes. The exhausted body and super tired legs were all worthwhile 🥰 Until next Art Jakarta ya sayang 😘