Likes and Loves, Comments and Shares

It's been more than a month since my last blogpost. Not that I didn't have any ideas what to write about. It's just lots of things are going on but not enough time. Like helping Mr. Hubster with his project and studying together with my Precious Godsend for her exams. When I do have time for myself I'm usually already wrapped up in a warm blanket around 11pm 😊 Thankfully today I have some me-time. A light headache and an upset stomach didn't stop me from doing one of the things that I love: blogging. And I'd like to thank Julie & Julia movie for reminding me of the thrill of blogging 😄 I've watched Julie & Julia many times and it still gives me joy. And hunger! But today it gave me something else to think about. Especially when Julie was typing on her blog: 

"Sometimes I can't help but wonder. Is anyone out there reading me? I'm sure you are aren't you? Somebody? Anybody?" 

Seconds later Julie received a notification. She was so happy and she told her friend right away: 

"Christine! I have a comment!" 

Sadly the comment was from her mother who was against this whole blogging thing: 

"Julie, it's your mother. I still don't understand why you're doing this. I seem to be your only reader." 

And poor Julie was pouting again 😅 Then knowing that the movie is based on true stories, I started to compare things from the old days and now... 

Some people love to share things that happen in their lives and some don't. The reasons can be different. Some love to flaunt because they have lots of things to show off. Some seek for attention because they're lonely. Some give or ask for help and charities. While some do it just for fun and pure self satisfaction. It's 2022 and I think nothing has changed. What's changing is obviously the medias where you can share things. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Youtube. Those are probably still the main ones. God knows what else is out there 🤪 And the main reason is still the same: attention. Comments and likes. Which reminds me of one of Hubs' Tokopedia ads 😆

"Ko masih belom ada yang like ya?" 

But I must say... I don't think likes, loves, comments and shares matter that much to me. It used to but not anymore. To prove it just check my stuff and see it yourself. I don't have millions of followers on Twitter and Instagram. But I still tweet as often as I speak. I love to post pictures on Instagram, from an über cute Moochi to a boring music sheet. I rarely get comments on my blog. When I do get 1 or 2, my friends leave the comments on Facebook 😄 But I still love to blog and try to do it as often as I could. Just to get things out of my mind. And heart. 

I know about blogging from my big brother, Eza. Just like I know about many other things 😂 He taught me how to make a blog on Bloglines which is now dead... And of course Eza showed it to me way before social medias became big hits in our country. I guess that's one of the perks of having a very smart and up to date brother? 😆 So yeah... I think the only follower I had on Instagram and who gave ❤️ on my pictures was him. The only person who read my blog and left comments was Eza. The only follower who replied or retweeted my tweets was also him. And I was very excited about it and I still am 😊

Writing to me has always been... Therapeutic? I started writing on a diary since elementary school. I wonder where my diaries are... I remember I have one with a small lock on it 😊 Wow... What did I write when I was...10? Or 11? What secrets did I write that were sooo important that nobody wasn't allowed to read? 😆 Now I'm 46 and I still keep a diary. Probably even more important than ever. Now writing/posting stuff is another way for me to recall the events in my life, both exciting and boring ones. 

So whenever I DO get replies, likes, loves, comments or shares I'm always surprised. Because I don't even expect to have any readers 😆 And I also thought that blogging is dead. But apparently it still very much alive. Not only likes, I also made new friends on these medias, who mostly to this day I haven't met in flesh. But it doesn't matter 😙 I'm also still a bit speechless whenever a friend or two say that they enjoy reading my blog and looking forward to the next post. I never knew that any of my stories can give even the slightest joy to other people's life. 

But here YOU are 😊 And I would love to thank you for that 🤗 I hope my stories can always put a smile on your face, an idea for you to do, or even a big goal for you to achieve. Until next time 😉

Why Wait?

It's just another Sunday night... Nothing new really. I put my baby to sleep, played some games, read books, watched the news, Netflixing, wrote some stories, replied messages etc.. Still. I'm having a hard time to sleep. Might as well make the most of it by blogging about stuff. There are so many things going on in my head right now. Statements, questions, random words... And just minutes ago I had this...thing in my head which I have to get it out. An epiphany? Maybe... All I know is that if I don't start writing about it, I'd be up all night. 

You see... Don't you think it's kind of sad that most people tend to say nice things about you but only when you're already gone? Gone as in... Dead. Deceased. Passed away. Even if you don't know that person very well but still. When you die and your friends are asked to make a comment or say a few words about you, I bet it will be good things. Well... Nowadays you don't even have to ask! I bet she would leave touchy goodbyes on your twitter or Path. He would share thoughtful prayers on your Facebook or apologies to your Whatsapp. She'd blogged about her sweet experiences with you, the deceased. He would let everybody know how he truly felt about you but only when you're already gone. It makes me wonder. What's the point? Why not now while you still can hear it? Why not now while you are able to say something back? And same thing goes to you!

Why don't you tell her NOW that you love her? Why don't you tell her NOW that you are sorry? Why don't you tell her NOW that her hair looks pretty? Why don't you call him NOW and tell him that you miss him? Why don't you tell him NOW that his writing is mindblowing? Why don't you tell him NOW that his pictures look cool? Why wait? Or even worse, why don't you say anything until all that's left will be if onlys and regrets? So again...

WHY. NOT. NOW?

Who Do You Think You Are?

"Sekali ini aja kok!" or "Just this once!"

This 'magic' sentence... The one you say in moments when you actually think you are God. You think you can control what will, is, and going to happen. 

An innocent and curious child who thinks that putting his hand inside a cage full of dogs won't hurt him. That no dog will bite him. But who knows??? - A woman lets her friend kiss her for old time sake. Just this once. She will not let anything happen further than a harmless kiss. But who knows??? - A man gets drunk and drives his car afterwards. Nothing ever happens before. So he's sure that he'll arrive safely at home. But who knows???

"Who knows?" 

I'm not saying that you should live in fear, that you should worry all the time and end up doing nothing, or not going anywhere anymore. Just like that boy Oskar Schell in Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close movie. It just amazes me really. How some people think of themselves above everybody else. Which makes it even worse, she/he thinks above The One who created her/him. Just because she wears a hijab. Or he has dark spots on his forehead. Or she goes to the church more often than others. And so on and so on. No. That's not a guarantee. A sinful man who gives his last rupiah to the poor could be the one who'll enjoy heaven. While the man who goes to the mosque everyday but treats other people like shit will end up in hell. Human. The most intelligent and somewhat arrogant being ALLAH SWT has created. Obviously intentionally. Because why would HE give the complete package only to us: a brain to think, a heart to feel, and a mind to decide. Heaven or hell. Where you will end up is affected by what you do and for ALLAH SWT to decide. Yes. I'll write it again: it's totally up to The Almighty. Not you. So don't you even bother to act like you are god. It just makes you like an idiot instead.

Ah what am I saying! This is a complicated random thought that I just have to write down :)) I'm not sure why I'm thinking about these things. I guess... It's because the older I get, the more people I meet and...man!!! Humans are complicated!!! Men. Women. Young and old. You think you know them but then... BOOM!!! Something happens which makes you think "What. The. Fuck???" And just like that you lose the trust, the respect or the love you used to have for that certain person. And also from those who you think were and would always be there for you. Perfect timing too. Just when I was trying to be more "social"...

I guess at the end of the day since The Almighty give me the ability to heal myself it’s just me. The one who can mend my own broken heart. Me, myself and only me.

Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned...

It's been 56 days since my last entry. 

And that is NOT good. It's not like I don't have anything interesting to write about or nothing cool to show off. It's just that... It's not...there. The passion to write. One of the things that I love more than anything. It's scary you know... It's sad. Losing passion. It's practically like you are losing yourself really... You don't want that. You shouldn't ever feel it. But well... There are some things you simply cannot avoid. The next step is to find it again. How? That's the big question. As for me... THIS is the answer.

Today I just start to write. To blog to be more precise. About anything that comes out of my mind. Anything that blurts out from my mouth. Yes, I do that sometimes. Especially when I'm alone. I talk to myself while I'm writing. Just like now. It makes writing much easier. It's also fun. Specifically while blogging :)) Try it. But do it whenever you're at home. You don't want people to think you're crazy, right? Now back to this losing passion thing. I don't think I ever feel this way about writing. I still write on my diary though. Sometimes I miss a day or two. But yeah... Besides the fact that it is sort of a must from my doc, writing on my diary is also fun. I love doing it the old way. On a nice looking diary and using a pen. I bring these two things wherever I go. I write while I'm sipping coffee in a cafe and observing my surrounding. Many times also when I'm looking at my beloved Godsend while she's playing with Moochi at home. Usually before I start to write on my diary, I go back a couple of pages or more. I read all the things I've written back in the days. The good and the bad ones. A lot of things could happen afterwards. Sometimes I would feel happy, even laugh outloud like crazy. But many times I also shed some tears. The good thing is after a couple of hours or even minutes later I would forget about the sad things I've written and read. Then I’d start to laugh again, take my pen and use it!

Apparently it's also been forever since the last time I've laughed a lot. How do I know this? Those who are close to me said so. Besides losing the passion to write, I've also lost the passion to have a good time. Why? I don't know. Nobody said anything about this either. You see... Almost all my life I've been known as this girl who likes to have a good time. Too much even. I did what I liked, what I wanted, how I wanted, when and with whoever I chose. No regrets. Well... Not 100% but yeah... But one day, I still don't know why, somehow it changed. I changed. Not in a good way. But now I want to change back to my oldself. So besides (trying) not to give a shit about annoying, insignificant stuff, I start to do the things I love such as:

1. Going to the cinema.

Those who know me wouldn't be too surprised. I LOVE to watch movies. It's one of my biggest hobbies other than writing and drawing. Not only binge watching movies on tv and serials on iPad, I also love going to the cinema. I love to watch new movies on a big screen, in a big theater while munching popcorn and sipping milkshake. Lately I've been doing this particular hobby alone. Why alone? You see... The problem is neither my husband nor my daughter share the same hobby. They can be sooooo boring! Whenever they have some spare time, all they want to do is play game on their computers from dusk ‘til dawn. Meh. But okay. Fine with me. I don't have any problems going to the movies all by myself. It's actually more fun because whenever I watch with Hubster, he always has something to complain about. -_-  Me? I just watch. If the movie turns out to be bad then... #shrug 

2. Me-Timing. This involves enjoying a good book and a decent cup of coffee in a small cafe or browsing books in the book stores. Sometimes I go shopping and check out some new shoes or clothes (Unlike my husband, I don't do this too often :p). Yes. I do have friends. I don't have many of them who I want to spend time with but... Yeah... Most of the time I would rather be by myself. Am I loner? Well I wouldn't say that but... I don't know. Lately I don't know how to behave whenever I'm in a crowd. I don't know what to say or what not to say. I don't know what to wear, what not to wear. I don't know what's in and what's...out. I don't know whether I should laugh or smile, frown or just "Meh." The worst part is I find most people now are phonies, double-faced and annoying like... Big time. I'm afraid the level of my tolerance would suddenly drop to zero. God forbid I'd start to say inappropriate things in return whenever somebody says or does something I don't like. Hence the spending time alone thing is more appealing. And safer :D 

3. Cooking. I've already blogged about this. So I will not write about it again. If you want to know just click this :) 

4. Painting/Drawing. I've also already blogged about this. Sadly to say I didn't finished the Drawtober :( Although I swore that I would finished it. But I will start drawing again. I promise!!! Starting with the painting upstairs which has already been neglected since... I don't know when. 

5. Taking and printing pictures. Choosing the best ones, print and hang them on the walls around the house. This so-called project has been neglected too long. We've been living in this house since 2010 (?) yet there's only 1 big frame with small pictures on the living room wall. I want more. I want Kukka's baby pictures, our wedding pictures, family pictures and also the paintings that I will be making (Wish me luck! LOL). 

6. Last but not least... Finishing my writing. I can't tell you much about this... But as you as my witness, I will finish it! So help me god! :)) 

Adieu!

Lost.

Do you have that so-called “safe place”? You know... That certain place, hideaway, den, sanctuary, shelter, haven,... A place where you feel... Well, safe, obviously. And as a bonus it’s also a place where you always feel welcomed, missed and certainly loved. A place where you can always be yourself, say whatever you want to say, do whatever you want to do. Without ever worrying or even give a shit that somebody out there will judge or scold you? Do you have one? And do you think you need one? Better yet, does anybody need one? 

Anyways... Lately I’ve just realized that a safe place could also be a person. That certain someone who can make you enjoy the moments, together or apart. A person who makes you feel comfortable. A person who lets you be yourself completely. No judging, no pretending. A person who makes you always feel wanted and like I’ve mentioned above: loved. No. I'm not talking about a family member or a BFF aka Best-Friend-Forever. Because a family member or a BFF will always be on your side, no matter what. His or her comments and opinions are not objective. They will always be about you. But a "safe place"... That's a different thing.  

Eventhough he or she knows that you are wrong, you feel fine about it. Both of you feel okay about it. Advices and consolations will be there. But you won't feel any guilt nor shame. Because she'll never say, in Bahasa Indonesia: "Harusnya tuh kamu...." or in english: "You should've...". Nope. None. There's just listen, listen and listen. Then, only then, when you ask for advices, he'll give them to you. With nice and comforting words, calm and encouraging. And most importantly: objective. 

Well... If you do have one, don't let her go. Stay close and keep on sharing. It doesn't mean that you have to talk to each other every single day. This is also the beauty of having a safe place. Eventhough you don't communicate with each other every day, but when you do, it will be intense. It will be more than enough. It will be soothing. And if you do have one, take good care of your relationship. Because when it's broken, you will feel lost. And lonely.

Smooch Moochi

I'm surrounded by kind and beautiful people. Not long after my posting about Flappy's tragic death, a friend from my college years contacted me. Septi. She was one of the girls in the dorm I stayed with. The younger ones :)) We never had any contact besides being friends in Facebook and Instagram. But not long I assume after she read my (blog or Instagram) postings about Flappy's death, she offered me a kitty cat. It was one of the best news I've received since a long time. So long story short, here he is, our beloved kitty cat: Moochi. 

Learning from our previous mistakes, we immediately took Moochi to the vet so he could get all the necessary vaccines he needed. Alhamdulillah so far Moochi is growing to be a healthy kitty. The first days Moochi was with us, he didn't want to eat a lot. We thought that he was just stressed out because of being in a new home. But it turned out that he had some teeth coming out and also some mouth ulcers. Good lord! :)) I didn't even know that cats CAN get mouth ulcers! Alhamdulillah our vet, drh. Yani from Meatball Pet Care Bintaro is a very nice and caring veterinarian. She treated and talked to Moochi as if he was a baby... Like a human one :))) I guess that's how vets got taught in college? :D Thanks to drh. Yani, Moochi is now growing to be a very healthy kitty. He eats a lot too! :) Kukka?

Oh you guess it right! :) Kukka loves Moochi very much! The minute she arrives at home from school, Kukka asks for Moochi. Sometimes I have to remind her to come to ME first and give me a kiss. Instead of running around the house looking for Moochi. The two of them would then spend the afternoon playing together. There must be something about Kukka. But it's like every cat she's been with, it lets her do anything! :)) Moochi got bundled up like a baby, got tossed up in the air like a small child, got dressed up and everything. Sometimes he does run away from Kukka. But most of the time he lets Kukka do whatever she wants.

Me? I love Moochi :) I spoil him that much I'd let him take a nap together with me! Usually around noon the 2 of us would lie down on the sofa. While I'm resting with a book on my hand, Moochi would jumped on the sofa and cuddling next to me. But most of time he sleeps on my tummy, my arm or on my chest. Yes. On my breasts to be exact! :)) This kitty is so weird. Maybe the sound of my heart soothes him. I don't know :) Alhamdulillah so far Moochi is growing to be a very healthy kitty. His vaccines are complete, he eats well and it looks like he's happy to be a part of our family. 

Hubster? Well... This is also funny and weird at the same time. Moochi acts differently around Hubster. It's like he knows that THE MAN OF THE HOUSE is different than the others :)) As if he knows that Hubster is not THAT MUCH of a cat lover. Many times all Hubster needs is to hold a broom in his hand and woooooosh!!! Moochi would run out of the house :))) But I did see Hubster held Moochi a couple of times. And I think I saw Moochi had an alarmed look :))) Well... I guess it's true. Cats ARE smart. It's VERY possible that they DO know who REALLY love them and who doesn't :p

Remember, Remember. To Draw For DrawTober.

Lately it just occurred to me that I like to draw. A lot. Come to think of it this is actually not something new. When I was little I used to draw or paint quite often. Once I even participated in a drawing competition in Fakultas Kedokteran Hewan IPB & won. 4th prize! Not bad, right?! :)) When I was still in Vienna there was an Independence Day Celebration at the Indonesian Embassy. I also participated in a drawing competition. Did I win? I can't remember :)) Anyways... The point is I just realize that writing is not my only hobby. I also like to draw. BUT (yes there's a but :p) I don't have a lot of original ideas. Like...my own! Unlike writing, I can't just picture some kind of a scenery or object in my head & then pour the idea on a piece of paper or canvas or whatever. What I do (for now) is put the words (read: ideas) on Google, click Search & voila! :))

Once I find an image that I like, I try to copy it & add some of my own ideas. Whether it's another object, different colors, anything. So far I'm enjoying it. I also started to paint like... Using an easel, canvas, palette, paint, paintbrush & stuff :)) It's not finish yet but I promise I will. Soon! Then one day I found this DrawTober 2017 thing. I thought okay, why not?! I already have an unused notebook! All I needed was a pencil & an eraser. That's it! I must admit it is very challenging. But also very fun! Every day I try to put something...personal on my drawing. Something meaningful. I don't want to draw...just like that! 

So far I've only on Day 7. Today is my Day 8 & I haven't draw anything. I usually do it after dinner or while putting Kukka to bed. I must admit though... This DrawTober thing needs a lot of commitment :)) Well... Let's consider it as another challenge, shall we?   

Dream, Dream, Go Away. Never Come Again In Any Other Day.

Have you ever had a dream that is so, so sad, you wake up having actual tears in your eyes? Then you couldn't stop sobbing and panting for quite a while... Not until you finally realized that it was just a dream. A sad one. A very, very sad one.

 

Lately I've been having that kind of a dream. Or should I say a nightmare? I don't know why... Sadly (or luckily?) I couldn't really remember what the dream was. Not always. All I can remember that it always involves me losing someone I love. Once it was about the death of someone who I loved very much and the saddest part is... He is actually already passed away. It was like experiencing the sadness all over again... Another time the nightmare was about me...losing my mom...

 

There is one particular dream that I do remember though. Even to this second. I guess it was THAT scary and sad to me... It was about Kukka. We were in this big and empty building... I held Kukka's hand and we were trying to find out how to get out. The building...or was it an old, creepy house? It looked like a typical old house or abandoned building that you see in horror movies. Anyways... Suddenly, somehow Kukka was gone. When I looked at my side and I looked at my hand, Kukka wasn't there. I wasn't holding her hand anymore. I started to panic. I ran in and out of the rooms inside that big empty building. I screamed and called Kukka's name like million times. Nothing. All I could hear was the echo of my voice, screaming my precious godsend's name. I was out of breath and sweating like crazy... And then I woke up. Crying, sweating, panting, out of breath. For real.

 

The first time I had this kind of nightmare I immediately ran to Kukka's bedroom to check her out. I was so relieved when I saw her still sleeping safe and sound. I hugged Kukka and I started to kiss her until she almost woke up. Then I stopped. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her sweet face. And while doing it I remember that I was still crying... But I guess it was tears of happiness. I was happy that it was just a dream... Well... Happy is not the right word. Because even though it was a dream, it did drain my energy and my emotion. And it's not a very nice thing to feel.

 

Unfortunately that was not the first and the last nightmare I had. As a matter of fact, I just had one this morning. And again, I woke up in tears, still sobbing and panting. Luckily Hubster woke me up and asked me to sit with him on the patio. Just like that I stopped sobbing and woke up like nothing happened. Perfect timing, Schatz :) What was the nightmare about? Luckily I can't remember the detail. But like I said. It was about me losing Kukka. Again.

 

Man, this sucks. Why can't I just dream about something happy? Like... Well I don't know... Traveling around the world? Suddenly speaking 10 languages fluently? Magically being able to make beautiful paintings? Being able to go back and forth to the past to fix the future? Anything! Anything but about me losing my precious godsend. That one dream, I tell 'ya! It really is the one that I wish would never ever come true. 

 

 



What’s Your Story?

There’s a saying that there’s a story behind every person. That there is a reason why a person is the way he or she is. Do you agree? I mean, can’t a person be just the way she has always been? Because she is just born that way?

For example this woman, who... Oh I don’t know... Laughing (too) loud in a crowd... Dressing up too much, too weird, too short, too tight, too bright, too gloomy, too sexy... Or being disturbingly flirty to the men who are already taken or basically to everybody. Why does she constantly seek attention from others? What is her reason to be a cheater? Is it because she doesn’t or never get enough affection from the person who supposed to love her? Like her parents? Her husband? Her children? Her friends? Anybody?

Or a man who keeps sending lame jokes, inappropriate pictures or whatever to chat groups like almost all the time. Out of the blue!!! Is this man trying to prove to others that he’s the funniest, the coolest or whatever? Could it be that it’s because he doesn’t get enough attention? Or is he waiting for recognition from anybody at all? Why? Because he is THAT lonely? He feels THAT unappreciated? So he’s looking for it from the replies of the people in the group, RANDOMLY?

There’s this person I know who is always trying to look tough by talking, behaving and looking “rough”. Why does he have to be like that? Turns out it’s because all his life he has to be the “protector” of his family. Because his father is long gone, he has to be “the man” of the house. He couldn’t afford to look soft. Although deep inside he is a cry baby. That's his story.

Then again... It doesn’t always have to be bad things that are happening. It could also be good ones. Like... There’s this another guy I know. All his life he’s done good things. To his family, to his friends, to anybody that he met for all I know. Why is he being so nice? What is his story? Unfortunately I don’t remember much but I do remember that his early life was tough and his mother is his hero. She taught him to be nice, work hard and do good things. He listened. And now he has a good life. The kind of life that he deserves. 

So... Is there always a story behind somebody’s action? I’m wondering because lately there are lots of incidents that I just can’t understand why they are happening in the first place. How could it happened and why? How could anyone do this? Why did she do it? Is it something that she has done before? What is the reason for her to do this and that? Is it some kind of a punishment? Or even a reward????  

Anyways, how is your story doing so far? In what chapter are you now? The exciting one? The sad one? The boring one? Me? As my friend, you would know that I'm currently in my mind-blowing episode. Pun intended! :)) Well... Whichever chapter you are now, I wish that your story is going great, has more seasons than Game of Thrones and it will have a very happy and blissful ending. Amen. :)

 

Sunday

Yesterday was Saturday. It was a very nice day. I woke up in a good shape and in a good mood. Probably because after I took my morning pills, it was easy for me to go back to sleep again. Hence the good mood and fresh feeling. So fresh I decided to start cooking not long after I woke up. The menu was Homemade Carrot Cheese and Chicken Nuggets! Yes. Homemade. It was fun to make and turned out to be quite delicious. How do I know the nuggets were delicious? Because my precious Godsend ate 12 of them in 1 go. Yes. 12. And the nuggets were quite big. Bigger than the ones you find in the supermarkets. Watching Kukka eating my homemade nuggets amazed me. And happy, of course. The tiredness from doing those cutting, chopping, shaping and everything just paid off. And of course, she finished the veggies too. While keeping her company during lunch, I asked Kukka what she wanted to do or where to go today. With a big grin she answered “PIM!”. Specifically. I asked why PIM. She just answered “Because I want to.” Okay. :))

So yes, we went to PIM. Just the two of us because SiBapa had to go to work. When we arrived in PIM, as predicted, it was... F U L L. I was like “Ugh...!”. I really wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but PIM. On Saturday. But I saw Kukka’s happy face. She was so happy and looked very excited. She held my hands and led me the way. Of course. Toys City. The toy store was so crowded and loud. Along the way I reminded Kukka that she was not allowed to buy anymore toys because she already bought a giant Shark and a bunny from Ikea the day before. She just nodded but still she practically dragged me to a specific section in the toy store. And there they were. Pokemon cards. I was like WHAT??????? I asked “So you want to go to PIM just because of these cards???? You want me to buy you these cards????” Kukka picked one pack of cards and with her super cute face and super sweet voice she begged “Please, Bubu... Can I buy this one? Pleeeeeeeeeease??? All of my friends have Pokemon cards. I’m the only one who don’t have them. So when they talk about the cards, I can’t join them and I don’t understand. Because I don’t have the cards. So pleeeeeeease can I just have this one???? Please please please? It’s just one pack and it’s the small one. Not the big one. The mba said it costs 55.000. Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I will be very happy if you buy me one.”

Now. Tell me how a mother could resist such a sweet and polite request from her super cute angelic-looking daughter? And she had a reason too. A good but quite saddening reason. I didn’t know that peer pressure already comes at this stage, 3rd grade. So yes, I bought her a small pack of Pokemon cards. Kukka was very, very happy. I could see the happiness and excitement on her face more than that day when her Bapa bought her a bicycle :)) Afterwards we went to have dinner. Like always, she picked a Japanese restaurant. The restaurant was so full but we were lucky. There was a table for two. While waiting for our dinner to come, Kukka opened the cards and explained them to me one-by-one. To be honest, I didn’t understand it at all. But I went along and asked her questions about them. Then while we were having our dinner, we had our usual girl talk. I asked Kukka if she and her beloved Bapa have secrets that I don’t know about. She answered yes. I said good. It means that she and I could have our secrets too that Bapa doesn’t have to know about. She said yes and we laughed so loud and gave each other a high-five.

While we were having dinner, I had the chance to look around and see the people at the other tables. One thing I’ve noticed and it made me sad... I’ve noticed that maybe 95% of the guests at this restaurant were holding and concentrating on their cellphones. Most of the guests were families. Some with small kids, some with big ones. Some were probably husbands and wives, some maybe lovers. Almost all of them were so busy with their cellphones instead of talking to each other. Right next to our table there were a teenage girl and her mom. Both were busy with their cellphones. And because our tables were so close, I could practically see that they were chatting. Obviously not with each other. The mother who sat close to me? She was chatting via Whats app. Yes. The seats were THAT close. But not close enough for me to be able to read what she was typing :)) And then suddenly I felt so sad...

So this is what we have become... Instead of spending a nice time together, looking eye-to-eye, having coffee, sharing secrets and slices of cakes, people are having conversations with somebody who isn’t there AND ignoring the one who sits right in front of them. Nowadays lots of people would rather talk with others using chat apps instead with the ones who are actually sitting next to them. Or even worse, many use their cellphones to play games instead of having conversations... I don’t know... Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe deep down inside I AM an old soul, who would rather snuggle under a blanket together in silence than exchanging love messages via cellphones. I’d choose walking hand in hand anywhere over sending selfies from everywhere.

I don’t know... I’m just sad. Really sad and worried. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Well... I think you know exactly what you have. You just think that you'll never ever going to lose it...

How To Test A Best Friend

Friend. Everybody can be somebody’s friend. Well... Almost everybody. There’s always one or two...or three...or more...who is too much of an asshole to be anybody’s friend. That’s why if you DO have one who matches the definition above, keep him or her close. I consider myself as a very lucky person. I’ve been blessed with lots of friends and some who I can consider as my best ones. I already blogged about this here. Now how do I know which one are my best ones? The easiest way to find out is by seeing the ones who stick around when you hit rock bottom. Then it’s quite safe to say that they are your best friends. Yet there’s another way to test it. How?

Well, this is for those who are already married or at least have a girl/boyfriend. IDEALLY your best friend SHOULD like your partner and it goes the other way around. Right? And life would have been so peachy if they also become best friends. Right? Right?? Imagine how great it would be to spend time all together like eating out, going to the movies or just hanging out while enjoying some cups of coffee. Ah that would be so awesome... Right? Right??? 

Now.... What if....your partner AND your best friend DO NOT LIKE each other???? Even worse... What if they DESPISE one another!?!?! Aaaaaaaand get this!!! They are totally aware of this situation and they don’t even PRETEND to like each other! So yeah... There are (many) times when you have to choose one of them and/or you’ll be stuck in the middle. Not to mention the times when you have to hear them out trashing each other. Sometimes it’s funny. Other times it’s annoying. But yeah... It happens. 

And there's another situation. In this case the friendship involves a man and a woman. This test doesn't involve anybody else but the two of you. Yes. The classic "Can a man and a woman be just best friends" thing. In this scenario you and your friend like each other...too much. Both of you understand each other too well. In many cases it's like you can read each others' mind. You are best friends but... Yeah... Sometimes too much can be just....too damn much. And yes, again, both of you are totally aware of it. 

So this is when the test comes. If things are still normal... If nobody is being weird about anybody... If you still consider each other as friends, good friends, with no hard feelings whatsoever... And even if there is some, you’ll totally understand, you can talk about it to sort it out and in no time you are buddies again... Then I think it’s pretty safe to say that you ARE in fact BEST FRIENDS. So if you do have one or two, keep her/him close. Why? 

Because having a best friend makes your life more fun.  

Because talking to your best friend soothes your aching heart. 

Because being with your best friend creates more precious memories.

And most certainly, last but not least, because a true best friend is rare to find.

Trust me. I know.

Momentum

 noun | mo·men·tum | \mō-ˈmen-təm, mə-\

: the strength or force that allows something to continue or
to grow stronger or faster as time passes

  

Someone who is very close to my heart recently reminded me that NOW is my MOMENTUM and that I need to ride on it. What he meant with now is me in my current state, physical and emotional. At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t even understand much about what the heck momentum is. But after spending a lot of time digesting about what he said to me, I started to get it...

Why did he say that now is my momentum? Well... I think all the drama that has happened and still happening in my life, health and personal life wise, is another way of how life is giving me clues that now is the time for me to keep on moving, to grow stronger. And it seems that health wise, I am getting better. As a matter of fact I do have less seizure attacks. At least now I can see the pattern or the causes of the seizures. It’s almost 95% certain I will have seizures when I’m physically or emotionally exhausted or in pain. As on the personal life wise... Now I also look and feel very much at ease and happier. Objectively speaking. Why? Well... I’m not so sure about this but maybe mostly it’s because I don’t remember my problems??? Does it make any sense at all? Well whatever it is, it's working! #LMAO And it's also because now I can see who my real friends and family are. They are those who still stand by my side, no matter what happens. They are those who are helping me to get through, or better yet, riding along on this exciting "episode" of my life... Not running away or even worse, blaming it.

Anyways... This momentum is supposed to help me to have a new and clear mind. My dear friend said imagine as if my brain/mind is a computer which is currently rebooting or defragging. Which...I guess it’s a good thing? #LOL With a “fresh” mind, I’ve been given a chance to start thinking about things differently, to have a different perspective, to be better from every angle, to be more mature, to act wiser and most importantly: to be stronger, physically and emotionally. And I think... I sure hope... I'm getting there. 

Recently once or twice, my friend said to me that whenever we spend some time together, he doesn’t see anything different in me. He said he still sees me as the Farika he knows for 25 years. Yes. That’s how long our friendship has been. For 25 years our relationship has been on and off. There are cycles in our friendship. Meaning there are moments when we didn’t have any contacts at all. But the second we do have communication with each other, it’s always intense. So I guess it’s pretty safe to trust his judgement about me because he does know me very well. Too well actually. So when my friend says he sees nothing different in me, it means that I'm back in the game, people! Even better! I'm riding on my momentum. But most importantly it also means that my defragmentation is complete!!!  

Now can I get an amen??? #LOL 

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

• to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
• to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
• to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
• to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
• to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
• to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. It used to be special to me. Why? Because I’m that kind of person who love to celebrate stuff and make ceremonial things a big deal. Well... At least I used to... I think. But now? Not anymore. Nothing ceremonial seems/feels special anymore. New Years, Valentine’s Days, anniversaries... Even birthdays!!! I wonder why... Does it have to do with age? Does it have to do with someone? Does it have to do with my illness? Does it have to do with anything? 

I’ve been thinking... So this is how those people feel. Those who always rolled their eyes at me whenever they saw me running here and there, thinking hard and save money like crazy. Just because I wanted buy something extra special for someone special on special occasions. But now it doesn’t feel like that anymore and I can’t stop wondering why. No. This is not a big thing. It’s just weird. It’s just... So... Not... Me. 

I think it’s also sad because it feels like I'm losing something inside me, you know... Something special. It doesn’t mean that I love him/her/something less than before or that I'm losing a particular interest or a certain faith about certain things. Or that I’m less happy to be somewhere or to celebrate something with someone or many. It’s just... Nothing. And the saddest part about this is that Kukka couldn’t see or get the enthusiasm that I used to have about these kind of things. It’s like she’s missing quite a big chunk of the person I used to be. 

Way before Kukka was born, I would imagine that someday I would have a daughter and with her I would do a lot of fun and exciting things. One of those things is...this. Celebrating. I’ve imagined that the two of us would brainstorm like crazy to find the perfect birthday’s, anniversary's or Valentine’s present for our beloved SiBapa. I could totally picture the two of us arguing because each of us would think that our gift idea for SiBapa was better. “I understand him more than you.” or “I love him more than you.” would come up in those brainstorming sessions. Or the two of us would totally agree on something and excitedly prepare everything to be perfect. Just for our beloved SiBapa. Or for each other. But now? 

Ya ya ya! The part of me who likes to make a big deal of things like THIS is still here. That's for sure. Haha. But the other part? Did something happened? Something so bad it made a part of me gone just like that? Where is it? Where did it go? I think I want it back. I want ME back. The whole package. At least for me and for my girl. I miss the thrills. I miss the moments. I miss the chance to write about those special moments in my blog and in my personal diary. I just... I ..................................

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

Was wäre wenn...

...ich jetzt die Freiheit hätte, auf einen Flugzeug zu steigen... 

Welchen Land würde ich aussuchen?

...ich jetzt die Möglichkeit hätte, in einen Ort zu sein... 

Welchen Stadt würde ich auswählen? 

...ich jetzt die Chance hätte, jemanden festzuhalten... 

Wer würde ich gerne in meinem Armen haben? 

................................ Du jetzt vor mir stehst, nur Du und ich... Uns. 

Wo, warum und endlich einmal.... 

Wann?

The Bright Side

Ever since I got sick a lot of people keep telling me that everything is going to be okay. That there will always be people who take care of me. That I shouldn’t be worried. And...that I should see the bright side of what is happening to me. 

Hmm.... The bright side... Where is that exactly? To which side should I look up to? The left? The right? Up? Or down? In front of me or maybe behind? 

The bright side.... Hmmm... What is the bright side of not being able to remember things? So far all I can think of is that..... I randomly can’t remember some of the bad things that happened to me. That’s good, isn’t it? Or that if there is a bad moment that I DO remember, a couple minutes, hours or days later I would forget about it again. Is that the bright side of my illness?????

I remember somebody once told me (And no, I don’t remember who it was) that maybe...that’s it! God gives me this illness because God knows that I couldn’t handle the problem so God takes away the ability to remember things out of my brain. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m actually laughing while I’m typing that last sentence! Really! :))) But hey! Who knows?!? Maybe that’s it, you know?!?!

A lot of my friends keep telling me that I’m a strong person. Some even say that they admire me! Why? Because they think that not everybody can handle this “situation” that I’m in as good as I can. Well, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m strong. Maybe I do look strong because there’s nothing else I can do. I can’t just sit around and weep all day. It’s happening already and the illness will not go away anyway. At least not any time soon. So.... Here I am. But yeah... Sometimes I do wonder and search for the bright side of all this drama. The first thing that popped up out of my mind is that... It turns out that...

I have a lot of friends.

Alhamdulillah I do :) Friends who I do see a lot, rarely or even not yet at all! I’m always surprised if somebody told me that he or she or they came to the hospital to visit me. That they tried to find out what was going on with me by contacting the people who are close to me or whether I got better or worse.  A lot of my friends also said that they are praying for me and that they are “on my side”. Now... What does it mean actually? Why does one have to be on my side? Of course I’m thanking everybody for that but... Why? Can you help me out here?? 

Anyways.... Another bright side that I do get from this....exciting chapter of my life is that now I know that I have a lot of new friends. Friends who "know" me from my blog :) My silent readers so to say. #wavingtoyou I didn't know that I do have a lot of readers until I received a lot of get-well-soon messages and prayers via e-mails and Comments and mentions on Twitters and so on. You said you've been following my stories from my blog and that you love my writings. Whether it's about me, my family, my friends or about....nonsense :))) 

I would like to thank you for it. I would like to thank you for being my reader, my friend and most of all, my bright side.

#kisskisskiss