Sunday, April 13, 2014

Is It Just Me?

Yesterday was my precious Godsend’s year end school performance. Like any other of her performances, it brought tears of pride in my eyes. But there was something sad about it too. 

This last month I’ve been feeling melancholy. Especially in the mornings and before bedtime. You see, since she was 3 years old, my morning routine always involves waking her up with kisses until she opens half of her eyes and then me carrying her to the bathroom and sat her down on the toilette. It was fine until I started having back pains and finally noticed that she already weighed 20 kilos :)) 

But it wasn’t her weight that made me sad. I distinctively remember that it was her legs that first stroked me. My baby’s legs are not chunky anymore. They’re getting longer and leaner. Sure her chubby cheeks and bottom are still there. But the juicy “meat” that used to hang around on her calves are gone and seem to be replaced by strong muscles. And Allah’s willing, this July she’ll be 6 years old. She’s growing fast. Simply too fast...

On good days I’m thrilled. I keep imagining how awesome my days will be having a big daughter by my side. We will go to the movies, sipping coffee, shopping, traveling, discussing about books and possibly debating about who and what is cool. I imagine my hands will be full, having to raise such a smart and witty girl. I’m preparing myself to be criticized by Kukka about many things like how I cut my hair or my choice of wardrobes. She might be embarrassed by my love for hunky movie stars and hard core music taste. I’m pretty sure Kukka will have mixed feelings when she reads my blog posts about her. And she’ll be probably extra annoyed by my obsession of taking-flaunting her pictures all over the place :D

But on “bad” days... Ah those days are dreadful... My eyes get teary and my heart achy. It seems that having spend 20h/day on school days and 24h/day on weekends together, is not enough. Not enough at all. To think that soon I will "lose" her to school trips or vacations with friends... Or college!! Is this how a mother has to feel for the rest of her life??? Huaaaaaaa ;((( 

And then the moment will come when I have to share, reveal and confess about things. Things that might upset her or break her gentle heart. About my life, hers and ours. About the people we know, knew, love and loved. The thought that she might be angry or judgmental about my decisions terrifies me. She might even love me less. When I think about these possibilities, I instantly wish that she could stay 6 forever...

But then usually my gloomy moments are abruptly distracted by a sudden scream, calling my name 10 times in a row. Or by a needy whine. Or a shocking question. Or a hilarious statement. And most of the time I’m simply slapped back to the present by adoring eyes and a loving hug. It’s like ALLAH SWT is reminding me to enjoy the present rather then worrying too much about the future. And most importantly I feel like He’s telling me to start noticing that I’m doing quite well and that my little girl is the living proof of it. 

Kukka loves to make me laugh and she enjoys to make me proud. She opens up to me and likes to share about her feelings. She apologizes for her mistakes and thank me for the little things I do for her. She's sad to see me sad and always comfort me with pats and hugs. And I'm sure in no time she'll be the one who protect and defend me :)

I guess instead of tormenting myself about the indefinite future, I should just keep doing what I already do best in raising Kukka. And with ALLAH SWT on my side I'm sure I can do it even better.