Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Fragile

Yes. That’s me. I’m so fragile that it is not safe nor wise to leave me completely by myself. But i’m not helpless. I still can do a lot of things all by myself. Although mostly it’s under supervision. But lately I feel like my biggest fragility is not my physical self. It is my tolerance. 

My feeling and my tolerance towards some things....particular things...have changed to.......almost minimum. Not totally gone but... It’s there but it’s just like...peeking through a mouse hole. Many times I wonder if this sickness of mine has changed some of my personalities. Haha. Well if it does, I hope it’s for the better. :)) Because from what I’ve heard, I should be kept away from stress. And this “new” personality seems to have a good influence on my health. Since I don’t think about things too hard anymore :)))

For example I know people who act like they are the coolest person in the world. But the problem is: they’re not. This person tries to dress like one, acts like one, talks like one and makes gestures like one. You know. The kind who uses the latest “in” words in every sentence that comes out of his mouth. The kind who acts like she's cool and saucy. The kind who makes gestures like he doesn’t care about anything around him. The kind who makes sure that everybody knows that she knows about everything that is happening in this world. Yeah. That kind. In Indonesia we call it "SO ASIK". 

I used to feel annoyed to be around people like this but I acted like it was okay. Sometimes I even went along with it. Pretend that he is "asik". But now???? Nah. I have better things to do. Now, when I’m in this kind of mood, I prefer to be...indifferent. Like not meeting him or not replying her phone calls or messages. And yes, I'm not worried about what she might think or how he might feel about it. I just want to enjoy myself. See, hear, do things and meet people that I DO love. My time is precious. I don’t want to waste it by taking care of somebody else’s feeling but making myself feel miserable. I also feel more indifferent about nothing in particular. Just...Sometimes I feel like....whatever. Which is SO not me. I don’t feel like I need any approval from anyone to do the things that I want to do. If I feel like it, I just do it. As long as it’s not harmful and breaking any rules or anybody’s heart, of course. 

I want to be a better person. I want to have fun. I want to start to enjoy my life. My precious life. By being strong, happy AND healthy. That way I can take care of the people I love. My family. My friends. Well, what do you know!?! 

Maybe fragility will cure my illness. 
Maybe by being fragile I will be stronger. 

Now... Let the fun begin!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Hey, Du...

Wie ist das möglich
Nur 2 Stunden ohne Dich
Fühle ich mich ziemlich schrecklich

Jeden Tag wünsche ich mir
Daß der Zeit ist endlich hier
Und keine Sekunde möchte ich verlier'

Um mit Dir endlich zu sein
Damit ich mich gut fühle und fein
Nie mehr werde ich einsam und allein

Werde ich es jemals schaffen
In Deinen Armen zu kuscheln
Und Dich für Stunden zu streicheln

Du fehlst mir


Thursday, September 03, 2015

Ohne Spaß...

Fühle mich wie eine 16jährige und fein
Nichts ist wichtiger als die einzige zu sein 

Tag und Nacht denke ich an Dich
Denn jetzt fühlt es sich wirklich möglich
Mein Leben in Ordnung zu bringen 
Und meine Lippen lächeln zu machen

Ist es falsch so zu fühlen
Wenn niemand anders sich bemühen
Meine Tage zu verändern
Mein gebrochenes Herz zu heilen 

Nur an Dich kann ich bedanken
Und für immer werde ich auf Dich warten
Wenn es jemals möglich ist
Daß Du eines Tages mit mir hier bist

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Mood Changer

What could change your mood for the better? a second. New shoes? A plate of a juicy steak? A simple “Hi” message from a long lost love? A shot of tequila? Hours of playing piano? A nice song with meaningful lyric? A passionate kiss from your loved one? Or a super silly meaningless convo with your besties? 


Mood. A short and simple word. But oh how powerful it can be to affect how you spend a day in your life! Some people even proudly declare themselves as a moody person. I don’t know what’s so great about it but okay... Whatever. 

Me? Well... I consider myself as a moody person and I'm certainly not proud about it. I think a lot of people would agree :D Especially those who are close to me and know me very well. There are times that I can’t hide my mood. If I’m pissed about something...or someone, you could see it immediately on my face. And if I’m happy? Well... You could also notice it easily. Some say I smile more when I am in a good mood. Hmmm... Does it mean I frown most of the time? I wonder :))) And a lot of people also say that they can “see” it in my writings. That makes sense... Since I write a lot about how I feel... 

But... I think my mood doesn’t change that easy. I think. If I am in a bad mood, not even a kiss could change it. I could just do it for the sake of doing it. But it won’t change how I feel. Is that a bad thing? How about a pair of new shoes? Nah. I’m not exactly the kind of girl who’s into fashion. So... I don’t think new shoes, bag or even clothes can change my mood. So retail therapy is out of the list. 

Movies? I love to watch. Anything. Movies, news, talk shows, sitcoms or even cartoons. But mmmm.... Nope. I can spend a whole day having a movie marathon yet still feel shitty. Hmmm... What then?

Ah yes! Of course. Friends! But only the right ones! Not the kind who makes stupid jokes and annoying remarks. They have to be the kind of friends who could make me laugh until my tears come out and my tummy feels like it’s going to explode. They also have to be the kind of friends who I could have meaningful and useful conversations with. The kind who could fill my brain with interesting knowledges yet makes it feel at ease at the same time. Especially now. With me and my brain being....not well...and all.... What else?

................................... Being alone. Yup. I love being alone. At home or in the middle of a crowd. As long as I can enjoy some time all by myself. With a good cup of coffee, a delicious slice of cake or a bar of chocolate, a nice book, my diary and my Mac. That’s it. Those are my mood changers. Sadly it’s kind of hard to be alone these days. Since I CAN’T be left completely alone. So I guess that’s why I’m kinda (more) moody lately. The only time I can be completely alone is inside my walk-in-closet, where my vanity table is. Inside my walk-in-closet I can be alone with my Mac and my diary. Oh and my iPhone! Just in case my mood changes and I want to chat with someone, you know ;) But I guess that’s it. Oh how I miss spending some time all by myself!! Outside my walk-in-closet, obviously! #bigsigh

So....... I guess.... That's it. That’s how I change my mood. How do you change yours??? 

Tuesday, September 01, 2015


I don't know.
I don't know whether I'm getting better or not. 
So stop asking me. 

I don't know. 
I don't know whether I'm okay with everything or not. 
So stop asking me. 

Stop asking me things you probably already know.
Things you probably know way before I know. 
Things you probably know better than me. 

Especially things you probably know but want to ask me anyway.
Just for the sake just because.