Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Been there, done that

Lately I’m feeling a bit old. Yeah A BIT! :p And I was thinking… 30 taun aku hidup, rasanya begitu banyak hal yang udah aku laluin. As in mistakes to be exact. Kadang, kalo lagi meratapi hidup, aku suka mikir.. Begitu banyak kesalahan yang udah aku perbuat. Sedih... Apalagi kok kayanya kesalahan yang berat-berat pula :(
Ada masanya aku ngerasa bener-bener terpuruk. Sepertinya the whole universe conspire to make my life miserable. Segala sesuatu seperti mengingatkan aku kepada kesalahan-kesalahanku. Strangers “accidently” talked about IT (baca: dosaku), things related to IT started to appear in front of my eyes from out of nowhere, in movie scenes, song lyrics etc. In short, the word IT seems to haunt me wherever I go. There was no escape. I had to live with it for the rest of my life. For a certain moment, I felt like I was going insane & my head kept saying “If only I could turn back time…”
What? What if I COULD turn back time? Would I do things otherwise? Wouldn’t I do the things I’ve done? Would I’ve made a different decision? Later, in a more sane condition, I would think: No, I would make the same mistake anyway. Sewaras apa pun kondisi aku waktu itu, aku rasa aku akan tetap melakukan kesalahan yang sama. Ato there would be another price that I had to pay in another way. Jadi inget film Butterfly Effect... So what else could I do selaen minta ampun, menyesali & menyesali & berjanji ngga akan pernah mengulangi.
Sambil sujud atau abis shalat, ngga jarang aku nangis sejadi-jadinya sambil memohon ampun. Soalnya dada rasanya sesaaaak banget. Kayanya semua daging, tulang & kulit ngga cukup lagi nahan all my guilty feelings. Dalam waktu 5 menit mungkin, ambruk deh bendungan yang terbuat dari senyum lebar, ketawa ngakak & kegilaan sesaat. Di depan Dia aku ngga bisa nahan lagi. Perhaps in the most humble way there is, I gave myself to Him. I cried & I wailed. And afterwards, just like that, the 10 swollen hippos who have been sitting on my chest are gone. It' s like they've found a better couch to sit on. My head started to feel like butterflies. Flying all over my bedroom. Trying to find the most beautiful flower to smell & get high by it. Of course, eventually the hippos came back. But day by day, they became less & less. Or maybe they just lost some weight :p
Now here I am. Again. Elder. Not necessary wiser. But definitely more forgiving, at least to myself. That’s a start, no? :p Menyesal? Masih dong! Harus malah..mungkin. Paling ngga (harusnya) ada pelajaran yang bisa aku ambil dari setiap kesalahan yang aku perbuat. Dari kesalahan yang udah-udah, aku jadi bisa ambil keputusan yang (lebih) bener di kemudian hari. Aku juga jadi bisa sharing ato ngasih masukan buat temen-temenku yang “terjebak” di dalam situasi yang sama seperti aku dulu. Maybe that way I could spare them the guilt-ride :p Dan, insya Allah aku juga bisa jadi a better me, for myself & everybody else. At the end of the day I got myself thinking again. Maybe making mistakes isn’t that bad after all :)

“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or be who we are.” (modified)

Carrie Bradshaw – Sex & The City

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lebih baik mencoba dan gagal,
daripada tidak sama sekali.

Mistakes are signs for those who are keen to learn.

Farika said...

Thank you for all your encouraging words :)

Anonymous said...

Menyadari kesalahan adalah keharusan, memperbaikinya adalah pilihan :)

Anonymous said...

waah jadi terharu baca tulisan mu iniheheh sama aku juga pernah ngalamin hal yg sama.

nek kuwi jarene menungso yoo mesti gak luput dr kesalahan dan dosa....yg penting kita menyadari kesalahan kita itu udah suatu peningkatan, kemudian berusaha memperbaiki atau minimal mengurangi, itu suatu peningkatan lagi...krn semua juga pasti ada proses koq freak...

terusin sholatnya yaahh ;)

Farika said...

Insya Allah MAs Bimooo :) Jadi terharu juga nih diingetin shalat sama kamu wihihihihih