Tuesday, October 20, 2015

If You Care, I Dare

Read on about what I'm feeling about my disease... It just occurred to me that it really annoys me when I just had a seizure and people start to say things like “Take good care of yourself!”, “If you’re not taking care of yourself, who will look out for your daughter?” or something like “Think about the wellbeing of your daughter! Therefore you have to be strong, you have to be healthy!”, or “You are making your daughter sad, you know! A child shouldn’t feel or act the way your daughter does. It should’ve been the other way around.” 

And so on and so on and so on. 

Well, guess what?!?!? First of all I NEVER WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE SAD BECAUSE OF ME!!!! I also never have any intentions to be sick around my daughter so that she would constantly be worried about me. How do you think I’m feeling when I see and hear my 7 years-old daughter crying because of me??? Does it ever occurred to you that my heart is breaking into pieces, seeing her burst into tears so sad while I’m holding her in my arms?? Not to mention also hearing she says things like:

“Bubu, you broke my heart when you have a seizure.”
“Can you hear my heart breaking?? It’s because I’m so sad you had a seizure...”
“Bubu, please don’t get too tired. You might get a seizure...”
"I wish I could get really small so I can get inside your body and fight the thing that makes you sick."
“Bubu, don’t have a lot of things in your mind or you might get a seizure.”

My precious Godsend has been encouraging me and saying things that a 7yo is not supposed to be saying to a grown up. Most of all to her mother. A mother should’ve said all those things to her child. Not the other way around. But again, it’s not and never has been my intention. And it really bothers me to hear people saying as if:


And most of all:

Well, guess what?!?! Saying things like “Don’t get too tired!” or “Go to bed early!” is really, really easy. But if you have what I’m suffering, it’s F U C K I N G  HARD!!! Do you think I want to be tired??? Do you think I don’t want to go to sleep early??? Only God knows how I miss enjoying a good night sleep!! Without any pain in the head, eyes-popping-out feeling and the body feels like it has been beaten up by a bunch of guys, or any kind of interruptions for that matter. But there are 3 options:
  1. I fall asleep but I wake up every 1-2 hours and having a hard time to fall asleep again
  2. I can’t sleep at all because of all the pain I’m feeling and suffering, physically and mentally
  3. I finally am able to fall asleep for hours but only after getting seizures. Because my body is already super exhausted.
The list still goes on but these 3 are the things that popped up in my mind most of the time, if not always. I’m trying to take care of myself, physically and mentally, by doing whatever it takes, you know... Well, as long as it’s legal of course! Because, no! I don’t want to be sick. And once again, NO!!! It is not easy to deal with it nor it is easy to do all the things you’ve been suggesting me to do. There. I said it. Now all of you know how I feel when I hear you say those supposedly encouraging things. You don’t believe me? Well, let’s trade places then! We’ll see how YOU deal with the things I’m dealing now. 

Thank you very much. 


Reza Anwar said...

To those of you who are reading and those of you who are not but will know anyway from the ones who are (yeah bud I *know* how this social media thang works) and have understanding how this all came about, understand that this is the extent of damage you can inflict on a child. And until this happens to YOU yourself and/or YOUR baby, YOU will not and will never understand the destruction that YOU have created. YOU will keep on thinking that YOUR life is just all dandy and peachy and that it's *always* gonna be like that. Have a good one.

Anonymous said...

Jederzeit wenn dir schlecht geht kannst du mich anrufen, kannst du mir schreiben. ich bin immer für dich da jetzt, ok? Jederzeit. Wann du willst.

Anonymous said...

mein schatz... meine kleine süsse sexy wunderschöne traumfrau

Cheshire Cat said...

dont listen to those ignorants, babe..

Irma Agustanti said...

Baru update ne gw farika...jd membacanya...be brave and be strong yaa...cuekin aja hal2 yang tdk membawa manfaat utk kita. God bless u always yaa.. Allah pasti kasih yg terbaik buat kita. Sehat selalu jg utk kukka.

Wury Handayani said...

dont pick them as your battle, frik. kiss kiss to you and cookie smile emoticon

Anindita Rahardjo said...

Baca tulisanmu bikin aku mikir itu sptnya yg dirasain anakku kalo dia tantrum.. Tau nggak Far..kalo kamu itu hebaat banget sayaaang, cuma orang hebat yang akan ngalamin hal kaya gini. peluuuuuk kencenggggg!

Miund said...

i said it once and i'll say it again. you're one strong being. *peluk*

Gaby Josephine said...

*peluk erat Farika dan Kukka* smile emoticon

Wenni Setiorini said...

Kamu salah satu orang paling kuat yang aku pernah kenal. You'll always blessed Neneng sayang 😙😙😙