45

Well hello there FORTY-FIVE!

To tell you the truth I had some doubts that I would make it this far. 45 years old. Despite of all the unfortunate events I've been through, I actually feel pretty good about myself. Maybe even better. Why? Well where should I start?

June 22nd, 00:00 o'clock I was at home with my loved ones, covered with a big warm blanket on a comfy bed. I'm healthy, considering. No seizures, no headaches. Then my phone kept on beeping because families and friends started to shower me with heartful birthday wishes. From distant family members to ex boyfriends, from loving friends to acquaintances. Some sent me long and meaningful messages. Some sent me cute emojis and colorful GIFs. One friend I know, a director I used to work with, even sent one a day early 😆 I was especially psyched when I received a message from dr. Rocksy, my neurologist. The first thing that popped in my mind was "Well I made it this far is because of you too. So thank YOU!" 😄 From midnight to midnight again I still received birthday wishes in every apps I have on my phone! I tried to reply every single one of them but please forgive me if I did miss yours 😅

Anyways on my birthday morning I went out to the patio, enjoyed the fresh breeze and the beautiful colors in front of my eyes. The first thing I felt was feeling grateful. I remember once I've stumbled upon this quote "If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we'd be happy with more?" 

This year there was no spending nights in our favorite hotel, no birthday cake and candles or birthday dinner or lunch. We did went out to get my birthday present though. That was the only reason we left the house 😆 Before bed we snuggled together and watched Luca, which btw is a very nice movie. And that my friend, is more than enough for me 🥰

As for my so-called plan for the year ahead, first thing first: accepting reality, not questioning too much, happy thoughts and taking things easy. I also want to be more around people who make me less worried. This is particularly important to me! Less "What ifs" and more "Let's!" All my life I feel like I'm always worried... "Takut ini." - "Nanti itu." - "Gimana kalo nanti gini." - "Awas nanti gitu." It's tiring and evidently it's eating my brain alive bit by bit. The second I'm worried or anxious about something, certain parts of my brain hurts. Like for real! My frontal and temporal lobe hurt. It doesn't feel like a normal headache. It feels more like something sharp is poking the brain, again and again and again. AND THEN a giant rock falls on the top of it and stays there until... Well... In my case until I take my pills. So you see? I don't want to add more pain and huge burden to my injured brain. Most importantly I don't want to pass on this particular bad habit of mine to my cheerful daughter. And hopefully by having a positive mind despite of all the bad things in life that is happening right now, let's just see if it does any good to me. And to you too. Fingers crossed.

Bonus: I've stumbled upon this article about How To Stop Worrying. Worth to read.