January 2025.
I needed 48 days to be able to write about this... It still feels like a dream. A neverending sad dream which makes me wake up in tears. Even to this day, seconds after I open my eyes... Every morning I often ask myself: is this real? Did it really happen? How can it be? Oh it's impossible! I must be having those kind of hallucinations! I have to snap out of it and try really hard to be present. I can do it!
But then... The memories slowly crawl back in. And the pictures I have on my phone are proof that... Oh god how can I do this???? A couple of sentences and I'm already having a hard time looking at the monitor... My eyes are full of tears. Am I ever going to be ready or strong or whatever it is that people keep telling me... What's the word again? Oh yeah... IKHLAS.
Yet again... How do you write when you're still drowning in tears? How do you find the right words to use and which to avoid? How do you pour your heart out when a huge chunk of it is shattered in pieces? How do you express grief using only the right words? How do you do anything at all when a person you love... Wait no! TWO! A couple you've loved all your life, have left you? How do you write about losing your beloved parents?
On Friday, November 15th at 22:42 WIB my Mom passed away. Then on Friday, November 27th at 21:12 WIB, it was my Dad. He passed away exactly 2 weeks later.
Mom and Dad are gone. Forever.
It all started when Mom got very sick mid 2024... Everything went downhill afterwards... I knew it was quite alarming and all but... Come on! She was going to be alright!!! I kept thinking oh it's just Mom being grumpy and spoiled. Always complaining about everything. But yes! She was going to be alright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom would never be in that certain state I've always afraid of...
You see... Ever since I could remember I've always been afraid that something bad would happen to my Mom... Because... Well... For starters... Mom was older than my friends' mothers at school. She was probably the oldest. It always made me... Scared? Worried? Confused? The other mothers at school were still young. I think I was about 9 years old...? Which means Mom was in her 50s... I remember being worried that my mother would pass away very soon because she was old... It was silly. I know. But now.....?????????????????????
Since the day Mom was submitted into the hospital I always kept my cellphone close. Teteh and Eza never stopped updating me about her condition. Complete with pictures and videos... Reading messages about Mom's latest state always made me felt... How do I say it? Alarmed? Because sadly Mom's condition kept getting worse... Those last couple of days were tough and tiring. I had seizures like 2-4 times a day. The seizures usually happened after I visited Mom. I tried to recite a couple of surahs next to her bed while holding her hand. But it was pretty tough... I choked most of the time because I couldn't stop crying... Because... Well I still cry the second I think of Mom... Or whenever I open our family Whatsapp group...
And then there it was. Friday night.................. I still remember I never cried that hard in my life... I fell down on my knees and I wailed and wailed and wailed.... I almost lost my breath. Everything hurts. My chest. My head. My eyes. My mouth. My throat. Basically my whole body. But most of all: my heart. And when I arrived in Bogor the next day I saw Mom's body lying on the carpet... Covered with batik cloth. I was allowed to open it to see Mom's face. As long as I didn't drop any tears on her... But I just couldn't... I cried. Hard. Some people hugged me and said "Sabar ya..." and "I know." and many other things. Can't really remember who they were. Every sound seemed like unnecessary distortion. I felt suffocated. The last thing I remember was I decided not to come along to the cemetery because: 1. I might have another seizure and cause troubles. 2. I passed out on the living room carpet when people tried to put Mom's body in the ambulance. ........ So yeah............. I stayed.
I cried myself to sleep that night. And the nights after. Followed by lots of seizures. Plus I was worried about Dad whose health began to decline. Oh wait? Did I tell you that Dad was ALSO submitted in the hospital??? Yes. Mom was in RSUP Persahabatan Jakarta and Dad was in RS Ummi Bogor... Both were in a coma. Teteh, Eza and I tried our best to be with our parents as often as we could. But mostly it was Teteh and Eza... They made schedules who stayed with who and when...
Those times I visited Dad after Mom passed away I felt... I don't know... I was terrified that his health might get even worse... Everytime I spent time with Dad, the sadness I felt was unbearable... I held his hand and recited a couple of surahs. I shared some secrets and asked "Are you listening, Dad? Are you holding my hand really tight because you're listening? Well... It's a secret okay? Don't tell anyone." Even in a coma Dad still managed to make me laugh. While telling Dad some stories I tried very hard not to mention anything about Mom. My Dad didn't know that the love of his life is gone... Or did he?
Because 2 weeks later Daddy passed away... 2 WEEKS LATER!!!!! Ya ALLAH... It's like coming straight out of a romantic movie! A couple who made a pact to live and die together! I also found out that Mom and Dad actually went "grave shopping" together! I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or crying... I was like "Harus banget ya berduaan terus!"... And now here I am soaked in tears. Thinking about the couple who showered me with love since Day 1. If there's such thing as too much love, it was theirs for their children.
Everybody who knows me is very much aware of how much I love my family. Especially Mom and Dad. When I posted the news about their passing I was immediately showered by lots of love and supports. Encouraging words keep coming in even to this day! I guess my Dad was right. Despite of all the misfortunes one has in life, according to my Dad: "Hidup itu indah." We should always be grateful and enjoy every second of it. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me. I. KNOW. I guess the easiest way is to start by staying true and close to your loved ones. Make sure you leave each other the brightest smile even during the toughest times.
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