The Story of Me

So... Back then, when somebody asked me what was one of the most important things that I’ve been taking for granted all my life, I would probably answer....I don't know. 

But now, I will answer it loud and clear. It’s one of my abilities to use my brain correctly, which is to remember. Being forgetful is.... A pain in the ass. Pardon my french but trust me. Not being able to remember things, especially important ones that involve the most important moments, people or knowledge in your life, is hard. Really hard. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it’s.... 

Well it’s actually very hard to describe. I thought I could describe it correctly by writing it down. Because sooooo many people has been asking me the same questions like what's happening to you; what are you suffering from; how do you feel; how does it feel like; do you remember when blablabla; do you know that now blablablabla. Now I’m writing the answers down so whenever somebody ask me, I would just send him the link of this posting #LOL 

Let’s start with what am I suffering from. Please note that most of the sentences I write will start with the word: "THINK". Why? Read on and you will know :) 

Okay let's start with: my illness is called Anti NMDA Autoimmune Encephalitis, which means there’s something serious going on in my brain. For details, don’t be lazy and click THIS. How did it happened??? Well in my case, unfortunately it’s still unknown. So as far as I know, it’s rare and there’s no cure yet. That’s why the doctors sent my body fluid/blood to Spain to be further examined. So I’m donating my fluids in the name of science :)) And like I said before, it’s very hard to describe. My ability to remember things is very random. For example I remember many things that happened in the past but I couldn’t remember what happened 5 minutes ago. And this goes vice versa. I thought the moment that already happened like 5 years ago, is happening like...now... Or 5 minutes before. Ooooooor I don't remember it at all. This is the best explanation I can give you about what I’m feeling and thinking now. 

As for my mental condition, my family said it has been.....very unstable. Especially when I was in my worst state. Apparently I was submitted in the hospital for a long time. I still have the scar from the IV tubes. I think I got it because I had it for too long and once I pulled the IV tubes by myself when I was having a seizure or an episode or something. And I think Hubs said there was blood all over me. You better double check and ask him because I could probably make these things up :)) 

I could be laughing out loud this minute and the next second I could end up crying uncontrollably for hours. And I also would see things that were actually not there. For instance I would swipe iPad screen....in the air :))  In short, it seemed like I lost my mind. Like...going crazy... Literally.  Why is this happening to me? Well... I wish I could give you a clear answer. But honestly I don’t know. What I do know is that I wasn’t always been the healthiest person on earth. I don’t exercise regularly. I often eat junk food. I took over-the-counter-medicines like they were candies and I don’t get enough sleep. But many also said that it’s happening because I’m under a lot of pressure. That something really bad had happened to me and made me stressed out. So I’m losing my mind because unconsciously there are things that I don’t want to remember. Things that I wanted to get out of my head. And well... What do you know. Voila! They’re gone! Along with other things. Important things. -_- 

It sucks. Really. You don’t want to have what I’m having now. And no, you wouldn't understand it either. Not when you are the healthy one. So be careful in giving me advices because I would probably respond with: "What the hell do you know?!" :) 

I almost don’t have any privacy anymore. Because I still can’t be really be left alone like completely by myself. Especially for a long time. Why? Because I could end up doing something that is dangerous to myself or anybody else or ended up somewhere...strange. And what’s worrying is that I can have seizures like...anywhere anytime. I’ve seen myself having a seizure on our home CCTV recording and man, it was.... Well let’s just say that I understand why the person who is next to me while I'm having a seizure would be terrified, panic and all. Because from what I’ve heard, it was scary. You don’t want to know the details. Trust me. It’s not a pretty situation to describe. And yes, I don't remember any of those terrible moments myself. 

Long story short, my condition was bad. Really bad. Now I’m recovering from it and it seems that I’m doing better. Much better. At least that’s what everybody is saying. I still have a lot of medicines that I have to take for like...2 years. I still can’t be left alone and thank God I have BiYeni, my aunty, with me all the time. She’s been taking care of me for months now. She’s my aunty, my nurse, my personal cook, my bodyguard, and most importantly, my friend :) The only thing she doesn’t do is bathe me :)))

Kukka? Well that’s another story to tell but so you know, my darling Godsend is fine, considering what is happening around her... But she knows that her mom is sick and she’s been my guardian angel ever since. Once when I was having an episode and there was saliva or foam coming out of my mouth, she ran to call my aunty and came back with a tissue in her hand. Can you believe that a 6yo could do that?? She really is a Godsend. My Godsend :)

Hubster? He’s been dealing with all the house work now :)) Paying bills and staffs’ salaries, buying groceries, taking care of Kukka from bathing to school projects and 6yo-girl-problems :D Basically everything. Whenever he whines about it, I just grin and occasionally pat his back. Now he knows what kind of problems a housewife and mother has to deal with everyday :)) #highfivehousewives! 

Back to me. I’m still confused. I’m still worried. I’m still sad. I’m still devastated. I’m still angry. I’m still ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 

Help......