Saturday, June 27, 2015

Thinking, Wishing, Praying

I've been thinking lately. Yeah... Surprisingly I've been doing it a lot nowadays :)) I guess that's what you do if you "experience" something like....what I'm experiencing right now. You'll think a lot. About the past. About the present. And the future. At least you try very hard to....

Right now I'm thinking very hard about the past. What I've missed when I was....out...of this world :)) I feel like a lot has been happening. Good and bad. Never mind the good ones because everybody always mention it to me again and again. And I thank everybody for doing it. I'm sure it's because they want to make me happy. And I've been told that happiness is one of the cure to my illness. :) 

Now the bad ones... Hmmm... I feel like people aka family-friends, are hiding some things from me. And the heart never lies. I feel like bad and sad things have happened. Before, while or even after I was sick. I guess it's for my own good. Because I've been told that right now I'm still quite fragile. That I can't be burdened with things that could make me anxious. And sadly I must say it is true... These last couple of days I'm feeling very sad because I just remember that someone who I loved very very much has passed away. It happened 2 years ago but I couldn't remember how it happened. And now that I do, I feel like it just happened....yesterday. And now every time I think about it, I cry and cry and cry.... Actually shedding tears right now...as I type.... And after I'm finish crying, I will have difficulty to sleep. Which is actually not good for my health. 

Now that one is a sad moment that I can actually remember. The most annoying part is that there are some sad/bad things that I still can't remember but they're just *there*. In my guts. I still can't figure it out and nobody would tell me. I guess it's for my own good but still... It's annoying. Especially when I realize that people are talking about it and they would immediately change the subject when I join in. It's like everybody knows something but me. I feel like I'm a little kid who got sent to her room because the adults are going to have grown-ups conversations :)) 

I also have been thinking about the future. What lies in front of me. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Ah... The future... Who knows... I sure don't..... All I know is that I want to get better. That I want to be healthy again. Especially for my baby girl, if not for myself. I want to be healthy again because my girl is too smart to have a sick mother. She needs me to teach her things. Especially about life. I want to be with her when ALLAH SWT. give her the best things a girl could possibly have and to remind her that she should always be thankful for it. I definitely want to be with her when bad moments and people lurk into her life. I want to be able to tell her that it's gonna be okay. That she will always have people who love her to help her to get through the tough times. That bad things happen for a reason and many times it turn out to be a good one. And the thing that motivates me the most to be perfectly healthy again is my desire to be always by my Godsend's side. 

So I can always, always, always tell my cheeky girl 
that I love her. Always. 
Amen.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Been ur silent reader...be strong mommy kukka, for you truly are an angel sent for her..*shed tears as i read ur stories.btw..my girl will enroll the same school with kakak kukka's...hope she's happy just like kukka :))

Farika said...

Hi Anonymous :)
Thank you for reading my blog. Wish you would give me your name though. Maybe we can be real friends since our kids will go in the same school ;)

vesti said...

Hi mba..maaf klupaan kasi nama.hihi.ofkors,mba farika.if u hv time....do drop me an email so we can talk :). U can reach me at vesti_lisma@yahoo.co.id yaa,mba..sehat2 yaa mba farika :))

Farika said...

Hahahaha! Well hi there Vesti! Nice to finally know you ;) Makasih banget yaaaaa doanya! Hope my blog will continue amuse you heheheh

Farika said...

Btw Vesti punya blog? Mau dong link-nya :)