Doomsday

It was a nice evening. Something or someone called me to go outside. Out from the house, whose I wasn’t very sure. There was a big meadow in front of it. But I could still see the neighbors’ houses. The neighbors started to come out from their houses too and we all gathered in the big meadow. Everybody was looking up to the sky.

The sky. 

It was the most beautiful night sky I’ve ever seen. It was pitch black yet clear and full of sparkling stars. I never saw that many stars before in my life. We were admiring the stars when we finally realized the gigantic, beaming, pale ball on the right side of the sky. It was so enormous as if you could’ve touched it. It took us seconds to finally realize that the pale ball was actually the moon. 

The moon. 

It was so close to the earth I could see the smallest holes on its ground. I was mesmerized. We were all are. It was incredible. Its beaming light drawn us to get closer and closer. The neighbors and I started to walk towards the moon. Some, I remembered, were even reaching out their hands. Trying to touch it excitedly. I was right there behind them, also wanted to get myself nearer to the moon. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. But then I realized. The moon was really THAT close to us. So close that we could ACTUALLY touch it. I was immediately alarmed yet not fast enough to react. The next thing I could remember was the bump. 

The bump. 

It was the strongest bump I’ve ever encountered. Seconds later my neighbors were starting to scream. The most terrifying scream I’ve ever heard. They were like a crazy hoard of mad cows. Running here and there, trying to save their lives. Me? 

I just stood there. Staring at the moon as it continued to crash into earth. I fell. I stumbled. And as I was tossed to the air I finally got it. This was it. It was the end of the world. We were all going to die. Vanished. Forever. And as I finally grasped the concept of the end of days, all I could think of was the fact that my daughter was experiencing the same terrifying things on that very moment too. And she was alone. I wasn’t by her side when Doomsday arrived. 

Then I remembered I began to cry. I was devastated that I couldn’t keep my promise to her. That I would never, ever leave her alone in fear. Yet now, when the world began to crumble, she was all alone. And so was my husband. 

I cried and I cried and I cried. And I believed before the end of days came to an end, I was already dead by then. I died because of a broken heart. So shattered because I broke my promise to my baby and that I couldn't be with the loves of my life until the very end. 

... 

Tears. Racing heartbeats. I opened my eyes and there they were. Still sleeping peacefully on the left and right side of me. My husband and my daughter. Very much alive. As so was I. And then came the morning sun rays through the windows.

Alhamdulillah... One more day to be with them and to shower them with my love.

Never Say Never. Not Until.

My baby would never cry if she’s left alone in the crib. She would lay down nicely & coo happily by herself. My baby would sit tight in the carseat. No one is allowed to hold her on the lap because it’s dangerous. She would not be allowed to sit on the front seat either. Not until she’s 12. And she would always wear the seatbelt. Always.

And when she’s bigger, my child would never scream in public places. My child would sit down nicely during eating the entire time. She would never walk around, jump, run or God forbid, doing headstand. She would never jump up & down on a restaurant chair & take a peek at the chair behind her. She would not be a bully or be bullied. Always sweet & super friendly. She would never hesitate to shake her hand with every person she’s introduced with, with a firm grip & a pretty smile. My child would never cry on her first days of school. She would march down the school aisle with courage & confidence. My child would never do this. Never do that. She would never do bad things like the other kids are doing. Why? Because I would teach & raise her so.

....

There’s a reason why people with child(ren) always say to people who don’t have any “You can’t understand. Wait until you have your own.” I used to throw nasty comments about children who couldn’t behave in public. I would frown to parents who continuously feed their child while the child is running around. I would snap at a child who pushes another, with or without reason. I would be judgmental to parents who allow their child to seat alone in the front seat, without seatbelt on. I would be disgusted to see a child picking food or candy or anything for that matter, which is lying on the floor & puts it in his mouth. And the list would go on.

Over the past 3 years, there’s one crucial thing I’ve learned in raising a child. Never say never. Why? Because every child is different & you can’t always anticipate EVERY situation in raising a child. You might have 1001 of hopes & dreams to have the perfect & ideal child. You might have billions do’s & dont’s stored in your head. You miight think “My parents raised me this-that way. And I turned out to be “perfect”. So it’s doable. I will raise my child the same way if not better.”

Bullshit.

Sure, there’s will be 1 or 2 things from your list that’ll work on your kid. He will behave just like you want him to be. But you’ll also see that not everything will go according to the plan. Not necesarily worse, just...different. That child you’re snapping at the mall, the one who’s screaming on top of his lungs for no reason? That could be your child. And that kid who throws tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, yeah... That could be your child too. And at that moment, you’ll see that there’s nothing you can do about it. Except TRYING to calm your kid down. Whether it’ll work or not, that’s just another issue. Sure, those "kind of" children are annoying. But until you have your own child, try to keep it to yourself & be less judgmental. Why? Because you can't understand. Not until.

There. It's finally said & written down. Now that you have your own 3yo girl, do you finally get it, Farika?

A Mother - Wife in Distress

It’s been 4 months going on 5 since I’m becoming a stay-at-home mother again. But this time almost maid-less (read my raging post about my ex maids & driver) AND nanny-less. Kalo soal ngga punya nanny, itu masalah pilihan. Sejak Mella resign aku emang ngga pernah berniat untuk nyari mba baru buat Kukka. Apalagi sejak kejadian-kejadian menyebalkan dengan PRT setelah Mella. Alhamdulillah selama aku masih kuat, ngurus Kukka sendiri aja deh... Lumayan juga jadi turun 6kg tanpa harus bayar jutaan ke tempat fitness :p

Tapi seorang ibu juga manusia. Ada saatnya stress banget ngurus anak sendiri. Apalagi balita, yang katanya emang lagi nempel-nempelnya sama ibunya. Kemana-mana dibuntutin. Literally it’s like being followed by another shadow. Almost like having a tail on my big butt. Mandi ditungguin. Pipis diintip “What are you doing, Bubu?”. Lagi BAB, ditanya-tanya “Are you finished? Are you finished, Bubu?”. Kalo mood lagi bagus, liat mukanya Kukka nongol mendadak di pintu kamar mandi suka bikin ngakak. Tapi kalo lagi bad mood, rasanya kesel banget. Kaya dikejar deadline setiap detik. Aku hilang dari pandangannya sedetik aja, Kukka langsung teriak “Bubuuuu! Where are youuuu?”. Cute, yes. Annoying, also. There are times when I really want to be by myself & just scream outloud. Not forgetting to put a pillow on the mouth before. Unless I want to scare off the neighbors.

And there are also times when I want to be with someone who I can share my feelings with. An adult who can reciprocate by saying soothing, loving & comforting words. Not reasoning with obvious logic that I already know. And that perfect adult would be my husband. Tapi apa daya punya suami yang alhamduilillah sibuknya setengah mati... Yang susah dicurhatin lewat telepon atau BBM karena ngga fokus nanggepinnya. Mau curhat pas dia pulang, kasian juga. Udah sebulan terakhir ini Ica cuma tidur ngga lebih dari 4 jam. Pulang pagi, berangkat beberapa jam kemudian. As a wife, I feel obligated to hear his curhatan rather than me curhat to him. Almost every time we end up discussing his work. It’s good to see him doing his job so passionately & proud about it. So I try to put my sorrow aside.

Things would be okay for awhile. But a little “mistake” by Kukka can tick me off easily. A spilled glass of milk would be totally fine on a good day. But when I’m stressed, I would raise my voice & naturally Kukka would cry. She’s the easiest & weakest target in the house. She becomes the victim of my depression. After that, seeing her teary droopy eyes break my heart & makes me feel really guilty. Which leads to more stress because now I think of myself as a bad mother. This has been going on for weeks. And I know it’s bad. And dangerous. For everybody. To us, Kukka is an almost perfect child. And it will kill me if she turned out to be “imperfect” just because I couldn’t feel content & make peace with myself.

So now here I am sitting in a cafe while Kukka is at school, blogging, drinking coffee, eating cream cheese bagels. All by myself. Trying to figure things out, how to make myself a better person, a better & loving mother & wife. And just now it hit me. I think it’s okay to be pissed sometimes.

Mothers & wives are not some sort of a super human who can be happy, cheerful, perfect & look pretty all the time. Mothers & wives need their husbands & children to comfort them too. Mothers & wives need excitements & kisses & hugs & gentle words whispered in their ears. Mothers & wives need love to give more love.

Because it’s just how a human is.

Dear Kukka: Happy 3rd Birthday!

Last night, as I kissed you in your sleep,

I thanked God for giving me the chance to see you growing beautifully & healthy.

Today you turned 3, the magic number in our little family. Such a small number but already have such a big heart. Who would ever believe me that you have a warm shoulder to cry on...

As I kissed you again, this time in tears, I'm begging God to give us more time to be with each other. In every tear drop I whispered "If only I could ask for forever, I would." Then I remembered, your being here with me is already against all the odds, if not nearly impossible.

So, here I firmly say:

Happy birthday, my beloved Little Godsend.

My baby, my angel, my friend.

My unconditional love and neverending prayers are with you.

Forever and always.

SEBEL. TITIK.

Some of you might say “Ya udah lah... Namanya juga orang kampung.” Or something like “Maklum lah, uneducated people. Kalo educated, ngga bakalan jadi pembantu/supir, dll.” Now, that’s where I think you're wrong. Supir orangtuaku juga “orang kampung”. But he’s smart, polite, caring & everything you wish for in a driver. Sementara yang the so called educated, banyak juga yang kurang ajar, ngga sopan, even stupider in some levels. Eh, kenapa jadi ngelantur begini? Tadi mau ngomongin apa ya?

Oh iya! Aku sebel. Sebel sama para mantan pembantu & supir yang seenaknya resign tanpa bilang. I don’t expect a one-month-notice. Cukup sehari sebelumnya ngasih tau bahwa mau berhenti, udah cukup kok. Lah ini? Pembantu terakhir pake janji mau balik tanggal segini, jam segini. Begitu hari H, baru deh SMS yang isinya full of bull crap. Yang lebih spekta, supir kita yang terakhir. Begitu udah ditransfer gajinya, *poof*, he disappeared. Diteleponin, ngga diangkat. Di-SMS sih ngebales. Tapi isinya cuma “Sy brenti kerja bu, maap”.

KAMPRET.

You know what pisses me off the most about this guy?? Aku masih kepikiran, khawatir, bahwa dia belum sampe di Bintaro, karena ada apa-apa di jalan. Misalnya pas lagi ondewey dia ketabrak, kegiles ato dirampok di jalan kan siapa yang tau?! Ya ngga? I actually worried that his family might not know where he might be either. I called her daughter’s HP, she didn’t answer. Tapi pas di-SMS, ya itu balesannya.

SAPI.

Kalau lagi kaya gini, I wish I was more like Ica. Seringnya mikir yang jelek dulu about other people :D The minute I said that the driver belom dateng, dia udah kepikiran bahwa si supir itu ngabur/berhenti/sejenisnya. Sementara aku masih berusaha keras untuk ngga suudzon. Malah masih mengkhawatirkan keselamatannya. Kaya begini-begini nih yang bikin kapok mau baek sama orang. Terutama sama pembantu, supir dsb. Diperlakukan secara “manusiawi”, malah menzalimi. I practically spoiled them! Katanya kita ngga boleh menzalimi orang susah/miskin. Dosa. Obviously. Nah, kalo mereka yang mengecewakan & menyusahkan kita, gimana? Do I get more pahala out of it?

CRAP.

I’m still so pissed right now. If I made a wish, something like...”may they burn in hell”, is my pahala going to be reduced? :D

UPDATE:

Dan PRT yang aku sewa dari Yayasan Citra Kartini di Bintaro, baru kerja 3 hari, kabur dong sore-sore -_-"

A Brother's Love

Could a little sister be loved by her big brother more than this?

I don't think so either :)

For better reading, click this "To my dear sister on her birthday"

35

Closer to the end yet still far from being wise. Or patient. Not to mention "mastering" even the lowest level of sincerity, being ikhlas. I'm 35 years old yet I'm still having a hard time to accept the fact that sometimes life doesn't go as you've planned or wished it to be. Then I would cry. Asking God for more. To think that for 35 years I've been blessed with so many things...

The most loving parents & siblings. Faithful friends. Good health. Great clothes. Delicious food. Comfortable car. Wonderful home.

A husband & a daughter... And not just like any other. They're the too-good-to-be-true kind of people, whom I get to see every morning as I open my eyes & I can be with almost whenever I want to. They're the most beautiful human beings I've ever seen. Yet I'm still wanting more.

Today I'm turning 35 years old & I'm ashamed.

Dear Kukka,

By the time you’re able to read this, (hopefully) you’d find lots of other “letters” from me, written with overwhelming love & tons of pride to you, my precious little Godsend. I will start with this one, to mark a special day. The day when you successfully slept through the entire night without a diaper :)

It’s been 2 months since you’ve pottytrained. Amazingly, you made it look so effortless. Sure, you’ve peed on the bathroom floor instead of the toilette. And you still squat on the toilette seat during pooping. But it’s a big progress :) These past 2 months, you’ve been wearing diapers only when you were sleeping & when we’re going out.

But last night, as I was putting on you pj, I was tempted to skip the diaper & straight to the panties. I put your blue plastic mat under the bed sheet & reminded you over & over again that you were not wearing any diaper. That you should hold your pee until morning & that you should wake up Mba Iis if you did want to pee. You stopped reading your book & touched your cute butt. No diaper: checked! :)) Then you nodded & said to me “Ok, Bubu.” Of course, I was preparing for the worst. Like being woke up by Mba Iis in the middle of the night because you were all wet & crying. But I slept through the night safe & sound.

And this morning, as I opened my bedroom door, there you were, greeting me with the sweetest smile & cutest voice “Good morning, Bubu!”. You were enjoying your breakfast & watching tv, still in your pj. Which meant only one thing: you didn’t pee on the bed. Yeaaaaaaaay!!! If only you knew how proud I was of you... You didn’t know but I shed some tears when I hugged you. Totally lebay, I know. Wait, you don’t know what lebay means? Of course. What year is it now (your time)? I AM your mother but I couldn't predict the "in" words in the future :p

So, you’re a big little girl now, Kukka. No more diapers during sleepy time, okay? :) And if you did miss a night or 2 & wet the bed, it’s totally fine, don’t you worry. Next month or even less, let’s try going out without wearing one, okay? I’ll be at least tweeting about it to let you know whether it was a successful event or not :))

Always know that in every breath I take, there’s love & prayers only for you, My Little Godsend. Goodbye for now.

-Bubu-

Tearful Goodbye, Little Broken Heart, Old Promise (Re)Vowed

Another story about a sad farewell between my Little Godsend & her beloved “Mba Mewa”. About a mother’s broken promise & God’s friendly reminder.

Akhirnya saat itu dateng juga. Mela hamil. Which meant only 1 thing: she resigned. Demi Kukka, aku udah siapin fisik & mental sebulan sebelum dia pergi. Secinta-cintanya Kukka sama ibunya, Mela udah ikut ngurusin Kukka sejak dia umur 4 bulan. So, as long as Kukka could remember, her beloved Mba Mewa was always there. Paling ditinggal sebulan sekali selama 2 hari. Itu pun suka pake demam ngga jelas. So, ngga kebayang deh kalo ditinggal for good efeknya akan seperti apa.

First thing first. Yang pasti aku harus kembali (bekerja) di rumah karena ngga ada gantinya Mela. She’s good, yes. But not exactly irreplaceable. Tapi aku belum berani nyari orang (apalagi dari yayasan) untuk ngejaga Kukka. I could never leave her with a stranger who would refer Kukka as just another job. So, dengan berat hati, aku ninggalin my new krucil friends at Neo.

Sebulan sebelumnya I told Kukka the truth coz eventho she might not understand it, I didn’t want to lie about it either. Awal-awal Kukka seperti ngga ngedenger kalo dibilangin. Denial kali ya... Tapi seminggu terakhir, Kukka bilang “Mba Mela has a baby in her tummy. She has to go home.” Pas Mela pamitan, kirain Kukka bakal nangis histeris. Ternyata dia malah melengos & tetep sibuk maen iPad. Bahkan ngelirik ke Mela pun nyaris ngga. Sementara Mela-nya meluk sambil bercucuran air mata :)) Only when Mela & her husband’s motor bike was finally out of sight, K started to shed some tears. Sejak hari itu Ica & aku berusaha ngejaga perasaan Kukka. Level manjain agak dinaekin dikit. Hampir setiap hari Kukka diajak jalan-jalan. Paling ngga mampir ke Giant Bintaro, “Disneyland”-nya Kukka :)) So, in a way maybe she’s happier. She has her Bubu around the clock & she gets to go out almost everyday.

Hari ini udah sebulan lebih Kukka ditinggal mbanya. Dia jarang nanyain Mela. Aku juga minta keluarga ato orang yang tau situasi ini untuk ngga nanya ke dia kemana Mela. Biasanya kan orang (dewasa) suka iseng, menganggap pertanyaan seperti “Kukka, Mba Mela kemana?” seolah-olah lucu. Padahal kan itu menyedihkan buat dia. Stressful. Kaya orang baru putus aja. Males banget kan kalo ditanya-tanya kaya gitu. I truly believe that if Kukka wanted to talk about Mela, she would ask. No need to poke her feelings. Dan bener... Sekitar 2 minggu kemudian di suatu sore yang sepi, Ica lagi main game & aku lagi baca buku, tiba-tiba Kukka nanya “Where is Mba Mewa, Bubu?” There was a hint of sadness & maturity in her voice which almost made me cry. I tried really hard to answer her in the coolest, most loving & understandble way. A week later, Kukka had a high fever. She hit almost 39C. I told Ica, maybe this was it. Her way to express the stress. Alhamdulillah setelah dikasih obat penurun panas, her fever went away. Along with the stress, I surely hope. Sekarang Kukka baik-baik aja :) Udah mulai mau berteman sama mba yang satu lagi. Jadi di rumah ada temen lagi yang bisa diajak ngobrol bahasa Indonesia :D

As for me... Well, life is not as practical as it was when Mela was still around. Mau terapi, ke salon, ato sekedar ke ATM sebentar aja, ngga bisa tanpa bawa Kukka. I even canceled my Celebrity Fitness membership :D But everything is fine. My husband & my girl are healthy & happy. Life is good & this whole thing is kinda funny actually.

Dulu, jauh sebelum ada Kukka, aku janji sama diri sendiri to be a stay-at-home mother. I kept my promise for about 2.5 years after Kukka was born. Then I wanted to go back to work. Apparently Allah agreed. I got a job really easy, had fun & made new super cool & funny friends. Janjiku sama Ica & Kukka aku cuma kerja 1 bulan aja. 1 jadi 2, 2 jadi 5. Ica mulai sering nanya “Kapan sih selesai kontraknya?”. Kukka juga hampir selalu nangis kalo aku berangkat ke kantor. Sementara temen-temen & bos di kantor makin “menggoda” & aku pun semakin bingung. Tiba-tiba...TWEWEEEEW!! Suatu siang, lagi asik ketawa-ketiwi sama anak-anak kantor, Mela SMS me with the news. I looked up & grinned :D Saat itu juga yang terlintas di kepala adalah “Waks! Ditegur nih sama Allah gara-gara udah ingkar janji.” Alhamdulillah dikasih tegurannya dalam bentuk kebahagiaan, bukan musibah. I immediately asked Allah for forgiveness & I also apologized to K. Now I’m back to welcoming husband when he comes home every night & I'm there whenever my Little Godsend reaches a new milestone.

I’m so blessed.

Home Sweet (2nd) Home

I CAN’T BELIEVE I haven’t blog about our new home yet!! Padahal udah pindah dari 31 Agustus 2010 lalu. Huaaaa!!

Eniwei... So finally, setelah sekian bulan numpang di rumah kaka ipar, akhirnya we’re back to Bintaro, baby!! To Emerald Garden to be exact. Alhamdulillah our new house has became our “home” in less than a month. Sekarang udah hampir setaun kita tinggal di sini. Sedikit-sedikit mulai nambah furniture. Alhamdulillah 2 bulan terakhir ini udah bisa nambah sofa, karpet, meja makan & piano. Lantai bawah mulai terasa penuh. Ngga kaya kemaren-kemaren. Kosong melompong hahahah!

Yang lucu sekaligus mengharukan tuh liat Ica. Dulu, waktu di Emerald Townhouse, Ica cenderung cuek soal rumah. Keliatan banget ngga niat mempercantik rumah. Kalaupun ada yang ditambah, pasti fungsional. Ternyata, sepertinya, dia emang ngga niat tinggal lama di rumah itu. I loved that house. Yes, it was small. But it was our home then. And I was eager to add this & that in every corner of the house. Tapi ngga disangka-sangka, kita punya “home” baru :)

Nah, di rumah baru ini Ica semangat banget ngedandanin rumah. Belum apa-apa udah pengen nambah & ngerombak ini itu. Pokonya cita-citanya banyak banget deh! :)) Sementara istrinya yang deg-degan karena dihantui terus sama cicilan KPR :D Boleh dibilang, semua “proyek” rumah itu punya Ica. Dia ikut andil (banget) dari mulai urusan bikin kitchen set sampe vas + bunga meja makan :)) Sementara aku cuma andil di penambahan piano kayanya :))

I won’t complain because I absolutely love to see him so enthusiastic about decorating our new home. Kukka? Well, I think she loves her new home too. Meskipun dia harus berpisah sama temen-temen tercintanya di Kota Wisata. Di sini Kukka udah punya banyak temen baru. Oh, and there’s a playground in the park. So, yeah. I’m pretty sure Kukka loves it here :p

We love to live here since Day 1 and I don't know about Ica, but I do imagine us grow old here :) One thing's for sure, we’re looking forward to more rockin’ days to come.

“Untuk Mas Rama & Mba Danty. Thank you so much for letting us stay at your house for such a long time. And naturally, your family are very much welcome at our home, anytime.”

Imaginary Friend Or...

Yang suka baca blogku, mungkin udah pernah baca post An Angel, A Demon & A Baby. Yang males ngeklik, well... It’s about Kukka & something...(or someone?) yang ngga keliatan? :D Setelah kejadian-kejadian yang ada di post terdahulu itu, aku ngga pernah ngalamin hal yang aneh lagi sama Kukka. Until that afternoon di rumah Tetehku di Bogor...

Kukka lagi asik maen sama sepupu kesayangannya, Alyna. Dia keluar masuk kamar ngambil mainan ini & itu. Sementara aku, Mom & Teteh duduk di ruang TV sambil merhatiin krucils main. Kalau ngga salah Alyna nyuruh Kukka ngambil sesuatu di kamarnya. Kukka langsung lari menuju kamar. Tapi begitu di ambang pintu, dia berhenti mendadak. Ibarat mobil, udah berdecit pasti suaranya karena ngerem tiba-tiba :D Kejadian ini agak aneh so it caught our eyes. Especially my Mom’s & mine. Kukka keliatan agak takut & mundur dikit-dikit, menjauh dari kamar. Pas ditanya sama Nini kenapa, ada apa, dia ngga jawab. Well she did answer but we couldn’t understand a word heheh... She kept pointing to the bedroom & akhirnya ngga jadi masuk. Semua ketawa sekaligus terheran-heran. Tapi terus kejadian ini terlupakan.

Cut to suatu malam di kamar tidurku. Kukka teriak: “Hey you! Where’s the other mother? I wanna go home!” berkali-kali. Awalnya aku cuek karena dia emang biasa merekonstruksi adegan-adegan film. Those lines are from the movie Coraline, one of her favorite movies. Ngga taunya, cek kali cek, dia lagi nunjuk-nunjuk ke sudut deket jendela & pintu kamar mandi. As if she was pointing at someone...

Cut to suatu malam di kamar tidurku lagi :D Sejak mbanya resign, Kukka jadi tidur di kamar kita. Seperti biasa sebelum tidur, Kukka bertingkah dulu. Ajrut-ajrutan, nyanyi, nari, ngehayal, baca buku dll. Begitu waktunya tidur, aku matiin lampu. Awalnya Kukka masih loncat-loncat. Tapi begitu dia menghadap ke sudut deket jendela & pintu kamar mandi, dia diem. She looked at me & said “Look, Bubu! Look!!” *glek* Dengan gaya super cool padahal udah merinding, aku tanya ada apa di situ. Kukka ngga jawab. Tapi dia malah ketawa-ketawa geli sambil gapai “sesuatu”. Lalu dia lari ke arah bantal, menjatuhkan diri & nyamperin ke arah situ lagi & ketawa lagi. Kaya lagi maen Tag :D

Malam lain, kejadiannya juga lain. Begitu lampu dimatiin, Kukka menghadap ke arah yang sama seperti waktu itu, menggumam sesuatu terus ketawa. Tiba-tiba dia ngeliat ke arah pintu kamar mandi, terus lari & ngumpet di bawah selimut. “Come on, Bubu! Inside! Inside! The big bad wolf’s coming!” *glek*

Dua malam yang lalu. Lampu mati, Kukka loncat-loncat di tempat tidur, menghadap pintu kamar mandi & bertanya “Look, Bubu! What’s that? What’s that, Bubu?” *superglek* Lagi-lagi dengan intonasi cool, si ibu bertanya dooong “What are you looking at, Kukka? Is it a ghost? A monster" Sambil bergaya mikir, Kukka: “Hmmm....” trus lanjut loncat-loncat... Agak susah ditebak seperti apa yang Kukka "liat". Baguskah? Lucukah? Seremkah? Soalnya Kukka udah terbiasa & ngga takut liat gambar tengkorak, monster & creepy things :D

*menghela nafas super panjang*

So... What do you think, guys? I'm really curious about this :D Could it be that she’s having an imaginary friend or....else?

*Smile*

Home is where my heart is.

Where my spirit exhilarates and my inner light beams.

Home is where everything feels right.

Where I can hear a strong "click" when that other piece fits perfectly into the shape of my soul.

Home is where my Godsend is.

Home is Kukka.

Thank you for giving me a chance to search what I thought had been missing. Turns out my heart was right all along.

Nothing is missing.

Not when I'm with you.

I love you, my sweet, sweet brave little Godsend.

Our Favorite Guy...

...turns 35 today :)

7

Nobody said marriage life is easy.

But the way you turn problems into riddles

That are almost fun to solve,

Or what ifs into exciting thrills to wonder about.

You make being married feels like an adventure,

A roller coaster ride,

And you surely are one hell of a partner to be in with.

Happy 7th anniversary, Mein Ein und Alles.

I love you, forever and always.

A Message To A Newly Wed

The other day, I had a conversation with a newly wed. The husband. I asked how married life has been treating him so far. He said one of the best thing about being married is that after a long hard day at work, he can go home, meet his wife & has the right to be a nagging, grumpy, exhausted husband. He got to complain about the little things & got away with it. I was confused because my friend is one of the nicest guys I know & his wife is also a working woman. He said to me “Hey, that’s what a wife is there for. Right?”

I said “What the fuck?!?”

After that I spent the last 20 minutes of our conversation lecturing him, if not yelling. I was so pissed by his way of thinking. Got more annoyed because I know that he’s not the only one who’s thinking this way. Since I’m married & became a mom, I have the privilege to work whenever & wherever I want. I got to experience a little bit of every side of being a wife. So, here's the thing.

Mungkin bisa SEDIKIT dimengerti kenapa banyak orang menganggap bahwa jadi ibu rumah tangga itu ngga cape, ngga sibuk, banyak waktu luang untuk santai & selalu bisa bobo siang. Well, I have news for you, boys (& some girls) We don’t. Sure, some of us have maids & babysitters. Some of us are lucky enough ngga harus nyapu, ngepel, nyuci & nyetrika. Many of us can just order & point to the things you kids should eat & nunggu anak selesai disuapin. But YOU try & run the household for a month. No, I give you a week. A whole week to manage the house & its staffs with their “unique” behaviours, trying to raise a healthy happy smart child, do some work for extra allowance, taking care of yourself, mentally & physically, then occasionally trying to still have a life outside the house.

As for the working wife... Well, do I really need to make a list here??

To you, my dear friend, I say it once again. Yes, a wife is there for you to share your ups & downs. She’s there to comfort you when you tell her about the things that make you angry. She’s there to jump for joy when you tell her how great things were at work. She’s there to take care of you when you’re sick, brightens your day when your mood is down. She’s there for you for whatever & whenever.

But please keep in mind that not only you’re obliged to do the same things for her, most importantly, always remember that a wife is there for you to love.

A Mother Forgives. But Forgets?

I’ve been a daughter for 34 years now & God knows how many times I’ve let my mom sad, angry or down. Especially in my teen years :D Yet she always seems to forgive me & never once mentioned the mistakes I’ve done. She keeps loving, caring, nurturing, protecting & worrying about me like nothing happened. And like normal daughters do, I took her lavish love all for granted. But lately certain events happened & it made me think. About mothers & being one, since I, alhamdulillah, am too a mother now.

Since the beginning of time, I guess, mothers are expected to love her children unconditionally. It means that whenever they make mistakes & no matter how huge the mistake is, mother will, can & have to forgive her children. It is given. I remember watching Tiger Wood’s apology speech. Not touchy at all. Yet the moment I saw his mother sitting there & smiling, I shed some tears. I felt so sorry for her. The son who used to make her the proudest mother on earth, has humiliated her in front of the world. But I’m sure she forgives him. After all, that’s what mothers (supposedly) do. Along with other mothers who had to deal with their pregnant teens, gay children, corruptor sons, mistress daughters, & other problems which might look like it’s impossible to forgive. And as a mother, I dare say that it is possible.

Being a mother really is...indescribable. The most bizarre feeling a human could possible have, I think. And when it comes to your child, it really feels like she can do nothing wrong, which reminds me of my Nini. From my mom’s stories, I’ve learned that my Nini loved her children above all. Her 10 children were ALWAYS right & NOBODY was good enough for them. And she hold on to her version of love until the day she died. And if your child does make a mistake, it seems...normal. It would be just another phase in her life that she has to go through. It’s not the child’s fault. So who’s to blame? Well, we, mothers, blame ourselves for the mistakes you’ve done. Naturally.

So far, all I have to deal with are small mistakes like scrapped knee, runny nose, bump on the head. Kukka’s fault? Noooo! My fault because I didn’t hold her hand tightly. My fault because she got the flu from me. My fault I let her jump on the bed. And I forgive Kukka for not wanting to be held by me, for licking my spoon full of virus, for not listening to me & kept jumping ‘til she banged her head to the wall. Meanwhile, out there, lots of mothers are dealing with bigger things & they too, blame themselves & forgive their children. But do mothers forget?

They say illness comes from the mind. And how many mothers do you see suffering from weak hearts, strokes, or cancers? Some I knew even died from neverending sadness & broken hearts. Who knows what in a mother’s mind... All I know is that I have to remember that mothers are just as human as we are.

The Kukka Project

Suatu hari di Kopitiam Oey Bintaro, aku baca sebuah artikel di majalah Sekar. Isinya tentang Unit Perinatologi RSCM yang ngurus bayi-bayi beresiko tinggi, seperti prematur, sakit berat atau cacat bawaan, & banyak dari mereka berasal dari keluarga yang kurang mampu. Dan sebuah kotak kecil berisi info di pinggir artikel ngasih aku ide untuk “ngerayain” ulang taun Kukka yang kedua.

Sebulan sebelum 16 Juli, The Kukka Project, as I called it, “di-launch” via BBM ke keluarga & temen deketku. Isi BBMku adalah sedikit info tentang bayi di Perinatologi RSCM, niat Kukka untuk bersedekah di hari ulang taunnya & aku nawarin “jasa delivery” buat yang ingin ikut nyumbang tapi ngga sempet kesana. Kenapa hanya keluarga & temen deket? Karena aku ngerasa kurang nyaman nyimpen uang orang lama-lama :D Apalagi uang untuk sedekah. Ngga lama kemudian aku announce di timeline Twitter-ku & Kukka dengan hashtag #kukkasproject untuk nge-update para dermawan ybs. Alhamdulillah respon keluarga & temen lumayan juga :) Di Twitter aku juga ngabarin bahwa rencananya pas tanggal 16 Juli, aku & Kukka akan kesana & nyerahin sumbangannya secara langsung. And since we love babies, we wanted to visit them too. Tapi rencana awal terpaksa melenceng karena Kukka masuk RS. I had to wait until she was totally healthy & pas Kukka udah sehat betul, aku sibuk ngurus pindahan :D Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Rabu, 4 Agustus kemaren akhirnya kesampean juga ngajak Kukka ke RSCM. Di sana aku ketemu Penanggung Jawab Administrasi Unit Perinatologi, Ibu Rohjanuarnina (Nina). Setelah nyerahin sumbangan aku diajak keliling liat bayi-bayi yang ada di sana. And this is what I found out...

I saw the poor helpless babies... Sebagian besar tidur di inkubator & masih keciiil sekali :( Kondisi kesehatannya macem-macem. Ada yang prematur & beratnya cuma 800gr, yang kelainan jantung, bahkan ada kembar siam yang ngga terekspos media. Yang paling sedih, banyak dari mereka yang ngga bisa pulang. Alasannya mulai dari karena orangtuanya ngga bisa beli obat-obatan yang dibutuhin anaknya, sampe ada orangtua yang ngga diketahui keberadaannya karena ngasih alamat salah/palsu. Sepertinya mereka emang sengaja ninggalin anaknya yang sakit di situ... I can’t blame them, really. Buat makan sehari-hari aja kali udah susah. Apalagi ngurus bayi yang sakit parah. At least di rumah sakit mereka lebih terawat. Gitu kali pemikiran orangtuanya...

Money is probably this unit’s biggest problem. Cuma sekitar 5% yang “bener-bener” bayar pake uang/cash. Selebihnya di atas kertas berupa surat Gakin dll. Itulah sebabnya meskipun alhamdulillah ada aja yang memberi donasi secara rutin, Unit Perinatologi ini tetep butuh bantuan lebih. Apalagi kalo ada bayi yang harus dioperasi jantungnya. Biasanya mereka cari donatur lagi karena butuh biaya sekitar 40-50 juta... Jadi berapapun jumlahnya, pasti diterima dengan senang hati. Untuk para donatur yang pengen tau secara jelas “kemana” uangnya, Unit Perinatologi bisa ngasih semacam laporan keuangan. Misal Rp X untuk beli popok, Rp X untuk obat apa, dll. Aku sih kemaren ngga mau karena toh sebagian besar yang ikut nyumbang justru pengen anonymous aja :)

Nah, masalah lainnya adalah sepertinya ngga banyak orang yang tau soal Unit Perinatologi RSCM ini. Jadi, ya mungkin aja sebenernya banyak yang pengen bantu tapi ngga tau mesti kemana. Ini juga salah satu objective-nya The Kukka Project. Bukan untuk "gembar-gembor" bahwa Kukka & keluarganya nyumbang ke RSCM...

The Kukka Project simply wanted to inform & remind you that not so far away from the place you are right now, there are babies who are in desperate need of medical care & most of all, your love & attention.

*To you, Kukka's families & friends, we would like to say million of thanks for participating in this small & personal little project. Only Allah SWT can return your kindness in the best possible way. Amin...*