Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

I was too excited when I met my beloved doc this month... It made me forget to record most of our conversation 😔 Thankfully I did notice that I forgot to push the record button when I was going to show her my seizures videos. But then I forgot to push the record button AGAIN after I showed her my blood test result 😅

Anyways some of our convo went like this:

dr. Rocksy: 

"...kemampuan mengira kiri-kanan, mengira 100-200m itu adalah fungsi salah satu otak sisi kanan. Namanya lobus parietal. Tapi kalau betul-betul "Kok kaya bener-bener nggak pernah liat nih!", nah itu baru di memori... Jadi agak berbeda tempatnya di otak kita."

My reaction: Berarti hampir 100% memorinya yang bermasalah ya dok? 😂

dr. Rocksy:

" 😄 Sebetulnya dari awal memang kenanya di temporal. Temporal tuh memorinya."

I also told The Rocksy about me keep forgetting people's names and faces. As example I told her about SiBapa's team members who often work at our home. Same people but still feel like strangers to me 😅

"Wajahnya inget? Bukan cuma nama tapi juga kadang-kadang ngerasa asing?"

About déjà vus:

"Nah itu ibu konsentrasinya ya... Jadi waktu itu kepikir untuk ngelakuin ini atau ngomong ini. Tapi belum sempet dilakuin udah distraksi. Jadi kadang-kadang waktu kita distraksi itu kita pikir kita sudah ngelakuin padahal belum. Nah kalau untuk yang ini kita latihannya musti lebih PELAN. Ngga boleh banyak kegiatan dalam satu waktu. Satu-satu."

The session was interesting as usual and probably also too...exciting? I forgot to take our 3-mos picture 😞 The Rocksy was very happy when I told her that I'm starting to play/learn piano again. I told her that since this rainy season began and I couldn't go outside to take my 1-hour walk around the block I started to learn a song. It's hard because of... Well... It's been a long time. I forgot most of the notes. My fingers were stiff. I couldn't concentrate. Many times my brain and fingers didn't cooperate. But I guess practice makes perfect. I almost get into the last part of the song so... Wish me luck 😊 

My blood test result is also good. 1 point was red but nothing to be worried about. I forgot what it was but I guess it's pretty much nothing. COVID-19 didn't get into the conversation at all. I take it as a good sign 😊 As for the seizures... Well... 2x/day minimum... But sometimes also none at all. Totally random. Not the foamy mouth -creepy eyes ones. Just... You know... Small seizures. Lots but... Small. We agreed that exhaustion and stress/overthinking/worry are still the main triggers... 

The rest of the conversation was too personal. Like always 😄 But this time I didn't cry! I think... 🤪 My beloved doc was happy to hear when I told her about me playing piano again. Which makes me even happier and excited to keep on practicing 😉 That's what she does to me... Dr. Rocksy. The way she says things to me about what to do and what not to do is... Soothing. She doesn't FORBID or SCARE me. Dr. Rocksy gives suggestions and she encourages me. If something goes wrong, she doesn't even say that it's my fault even if it is, or makes me feel like it is my fault. My doctor never says something like "Ibu gitu sih jadinya gini." or "Harusnya" or "Makanya".

At the end of this month's session I do remember some activities which I should keep on doing: write more, play piano, walk around the block, be with others who make me happy, make more conversations, read, draw, and... Oh! I also told dr. Rocksy that currently I'm sorta addicted to Homescapes 🤣 But I defended myself by showing her how the game goes on my iPad 😆 That it needs logical thinking, quick reaction, memory, ea. Lucky me her nurse who stood next to us nodded her head quickly and said "Oh iya tau Homescapes!" 😂 So I guess I was...safe. But then dr. Rocksy reminded me NOT to play TOO LONG. Aaaaawkaaaaaay..... 😞😅 I guess she's happier with my piano playing then gaming 🤪 Anyway... It's safe to say that my November session was alles gut. Until next time doc... Love you! 😙 

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

"Baru masuk udah ada yang salah!"

Yeah 😅 That's what happened. The doc found out that all this time I've been writing in the wrong book 😂

Dr. Rocksy : "Udah 3 taun aja nih buku ya!" 

About seizures.

Dr. Rocksy : "Setiap Rabu... Ada apakah dengan Rabu? ..." 

About difficulty finding and using the right words, oral and written. 

Dr. Rocksy : "Mungkin ngga ada hubungannya dengan pandemi kita jarang ngobrol? Apa jarang ketemu? Kan agak beda ya ngobrol di ngetik, WA atau..."

"... Tapi kan beda Bu... Kalau sama mba bahasanya yang sederhana. Nggak yang susah-susah. ... Kalau di WA kan kita ada kesempatan untuk mikir, ngetik, beda. Yang susah waktu nulis dan waktu ngomong?" 

About the future.

Dr. Rocksy : "... Sebetulnya ini memang misteri dari otak kita ya... Memang otak kita tuh ajaib banget. Kalau kita sensitif kita jadi seperti bisa memprediksi nih... At least itu bukan sesuatu yang jelek sih... 

... Tidur bisa dibilang baik ya? 

... Nyalain kompor lupa, misal karena apa? Distraction karena handphone misalnya? ... Oh... Sebetulnya memang lagi fokus masak ya??? ... Makanan di microwave sampai udah dingin lagi? Tapi minimal ngga bahaya lah ya! 😄

... Oh yang sering nyasarnya masih? Nyasar di komplek, di supermarket, masih? Kayanya hari ini kita ngga ada pe er. Karena kan kita Mei udah check lab kan... Jadi kalau mau check lab lagi Agustus akhir atau September awal. Terakhir hasil check lab ibu aman sih... Jadi saya pikir 6 bulan lagi aman. Ginjal bagus. Gula bagus. Darah rutinnya bagus. Iya, waktu itu livernya naik tapi itu karena ibu minum obat epilepsi. Tapi naiknya minimal banget kok! ... Telinga masih berdengung? ... Jantungnya bagus. ... Saya mau bilang ibu dingin! Tensi ibu bagus tapi ko ibu dingin... Abis kena AC kali... Perut aman. 

... Coba nanti kalo bisa browsing virgin coconut oil, VCO. Bagus untuk memori. 1 sendok makan aja sehari. Jauh lebih bagus dari pada olive oil sekarang. Karena asam lemaknya tuh baik banget nutrisi buat otak. Yang lain-lain kaya DHA, omega 3, mau ngga? Omega 3 bagus juga untuk nurunin kolesterol." 

About prescription.

Dr. Rocksy : "Ini resepnya bisa diulang 2x. Ketemu lagi November awal." 

About the diary. 

Dr. Rocksy : "Yang belakang yang kita pakai ya..."

About Covid vaccination.

Dr. Rocksy : "Vaksin boleh. Kalau kaya Sinovac itu kan relatif sangat sangat aman sebetulnya. Tapi tetep tensi ngga boleh di atas sekian, terus ngga boleh ada orang alergi. Nah alergi ini yang kita ngga bisa tebak... Karena kadang-kadang dulu alergi sekarang ngga. Eeh sekarang ngga alergi besok bisa alergi. ... Yang bener itu sehari sebelum vaksin istirahat bener-bener. Ngga boleh minum kopi, tidur cukup, ... 2 hari setelah vaksin pun masih harus ngga cape-cape dulu. Nah kalo bedanya nih Sinovac, Astra Zeneca, sama nanti Pfizer, atau Moderna. Kalau Sinovac kan dia virusnya sudah mati. Seluruh virus yang sudah mati dimasukkan ke tubuh. Jadi sebetulnya aman banget. Karena tubuh pun udah ngenalinnya udah biasa. Kita vaksin-vaksin kita yang dulu? Yang waktu kita kecil tuh semua rata-rata virus yang dimatikan. Kalau Astra agak beda nih... Dia virusnya ada 1 komponen aja yang diambil. Jadi kadang-kadang tubuh ngelawannya lebih hebat. Karena nggak kenal. Makanya buat anak muda efek sampingnya lebih banyak. Karena anak muda kan ngelawannya lebih hebat... Demam pasti. Kalau yang Pfizer ini lebih spesifik lagi. Hanya RNA-nya aja yang diambil. 1 protein aja yang diambil. Proteinnya si virus. Kalau tadi kan si Sinovac seluruh virusnya dimasukin. Tapi yang udah mati virusnya. Kalau si Astra Zeneca ada virusnya dimodifikasi, kalau si Pfizer dia cuma ambil RNA-nya aja. Bungkus dari inti virusnya. Nah ini relatif sebenernya aman-aman aja tapi efek demamnya ada. Terutama anak muda. Anak muda kan imunnya lebih bagus. Tapi cuma 2 hari ilang kok... Jadi yang paling penting adalah tadi itu! Tidak cape-cape. Karena kadang-kadang pas udah demam tetap aktivitas malah lebih fatal. ... Kalau mau nunggu Pfizer ya ngga apa-apa. Anak ibu juga udah bisa! 

Semua vaksin itu memang tidak bikin kita kebal. Tapi kaya Sinovac 60% lah kita ngga kena. Kalau kaya Pfizer malah 90%. Jadi lebih kuat. Tapi kalaupun kita kena masuk yang 10% kenanya itu, itu kita 97% ngga akan masuk ICU. Iya sebagus itu! 99% ngga akan mati. Jadi kalau untuk kematian dia sampai sekuat itu. Begitu udah divaksin hampir pasti nggak akan mati deh! Gitu intinya. Tapi kalau ngga vaksin, badan kita ngga tau responnya. Bisa jadi tambah malah kemana-mana... Jadinya angkanya sih 99% yang meninggal itu tidak divaksin."

About next session.

Dr. Rocksy : "Ini kontrol ulang, check lab November 2021, tidak perlu puasa. Biasa aja. Ngopi nggak masalah. Saya masih kasih vitamin untuk lever dan omega 3. Tegretol masih 3x ya? Ibu nggak kesulitan minum 3x sehari ya? Nanti kalau kejangnya makin kurang making kurang nanti di November kita kurangin lagi lah 2x lah... 

About memory and concentration getting worse.

Dr. Rocksy : "Lagi ada banyak itu ngga...? Banyak pikiran ngga sekarang? ..."

About Covid vaccination again.

Dr. Rocksy : "Sekarang sih gini... Vaksin terbaik adalah vaksin yang tercepat kamu dapat 😃 Ada kampanye begitu. The best vaccine is the earliest you get. 😄 Kalau ada komorbid, ada penyakit-penyakit lain, jadi si Covid ini kaya ngebangunin penyakit kita. Misalnya kita punya diabet, terus selama ini bagus, terkontrol. Begitu kena Covid tiba-tiba gulanya jadi kacau. Sama tensi juga begitu. Ada pasien saya udah 10 tahun lupus, ngga apa-apa. Sampai dia udah ngga minum obat. Lupusnya aman banget. Eh kena Covid! Langsung tuh lupusnya jadi gila-gilaan! ... 

About Corona virus. 

Dr. Rocksy : "Jadi dia tuh kaya ngebangunin semua penyakit kita yang tadinya udah terkontrol. Nah di situ dia jahatnya... Kalau terlambat akhirnya meninggalnya cepet banget. ... Langsung putih semua paru-parunya, udah berhenti nafasnya. ... Hari ini dateng masih sesak tapi waktu difoto udah putih semua. Besoknya udah ngga ada. Jam... Mainnya jam, udah bukan hari lagi. ... Begitu parunya udah putih, kejar-kejarannya udah jam. Hidup mati memang. Kalau yang divaksin biar pun parunya udah putih, masuk ICU, masuk mesin, seminggu keluar. Bisa! Bahkan umur 90 sekalipun! Ada pasien saya umur 92 tapi sudah divaksin, masuk ICU 8 hari keluar, pulang lho! bagus lho! Saya sampe... Segitu hebatnya nih vaksin??? Abis itu kita kampanyenya gila. Ayo vaksin, vaksin, vaksin! Semuanya kita suruh vaksin! Cuma vaksinnya nih harus bener ya... Dalam arti bener tuh gini... Pas kita ke tempat vaksin, jangan ngerubung sama orang lain. Berarti kita ketularan di tempat vaksin. Jadi pilih tempat vaksin yang pake jam, yang jaraknya bagus. Terus bener-bener abis vaksin kita istirahat dulu..."

Unwritten conversation: TOP SECRET 😜 

See you in November doc 😉

Distance apart, Whatsapp close to heart 

Dear Kukka: Welcome To Teenhood!

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I look deep into your eyes and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I shower you with kisses and say "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I hug you tight and scream "I love you."

"I know! You say it all the time!"

That's what I get whenever I whisper to your ears "I love you!"

Well guess what young lady?! Just because you're officially a teenager now it doesn't mean I will stop saying it. Ever. On the contrary I will say it again and again and again and again. Especially when you have a rough day at school, tough times with your friends and when you have your heart broken for the first time. I will definitely be here for you and say "I love you." a million times and more.

Happy 13th birthday my precious Godsend!

Have a blast being a teenager! 

Know your boundaries, keep your mind and body happy and healthy.

Enjoy life and be grateful!

Keep on blooming to be the most beautiful flower, inside and out.

Most importantly remember that you are my number one.

Forever and always.

Oh and like I always say:

"One day you'll understand."

I love you.

What is success?

A couple days ago I had a long talk with an old friend. We talked about our lives, before - now and then. About dreams, goals, achievements and...other stuff. Eventually the conversation lead to the magic word: success. What does it take so people will see you as a successful person? 

Does it involve a big well-paid job? Becoming an accomplished businessman/woman? Company owner? Celebrity? Charity worker? Start-ups owner? Instagram influencer or Youtuber with millions subscribers? Or looking at the current "trend": becoming a highly religious person? I bet most of you will say yes. Those are considered the successful ones. The ones who have "meaningful" lives. What about you? You agree?

Meanwhile way behind lots of closed doors in parts of the world, there are housewives who lay their heads low and bust their sweet asses off to take care of their hubsands, children, households and everything that comes with it. From the eyes of the "successful" ones, it doesn't seem much. Or even nothing! It's nothing to be proud of. What they have in their minds might be "What so special about being a housewife??? What's so difficult about it anyway! Especially if she has a maid! All she has to do is giving orders. Every woman can do it! I can do it!"

Can you? Really?

Can you deal with the pressure that if something is going wrong at home, then it's your fault? Unpaid bills, wrong choice of soap, untrimmed grass, out of stock cooking ingredients? Can you deal with the mean whispers that if your child grows up not as the big family expected she/he would be, then it's your mistake? Poor grades, lack of socializing, bad manners? The list still goes on and I haven't even mention anything about patience, strength, fortitude, acceptance, forgiveness, content, confidence? And don't forget in our circle something crucial belongs to the list: religious.

Oh come on! Lots of career women can and already achieved what you've put on those list, Farika! Oh really? I say: bullshit. Flaunt all those colorful accomplishments you said you've got. I don't buy it. Whether you like it or not, life is about making choices and nobody gets it all. Obviously there's nothing wrong by being a working mother. It's about knowing what you want in life. 

I've always knew I wanted to be a mother, specifically to a daughter. Those who are close to me probably still remember what I had to go through to become one, physically and mentally. Some even labeled me as a very tenacious person and a survivor. Well... I'd like to say I'm lucky. So when I've been finally blessed with what I've always wanted: why on earth I would "waste her away"???????

This month my beloved Godsend will turn 13. Time goes by so fast. Too fast! Kukka is already in junior high and "suddenly" she will move out from our house and has a life of her own. I would love to spend time with her as much as I can before that time comes. I would love to put her to bed and still have our girl talk. I'd die to be the one who she would trust to tell that she's in love for the first time or telling me what she wants to do with her life. I hope I will be the one who hug her when she's heartbroken. I would pray that God would give me more time so I can always be there for her. And when I do, that is what I would call a success. If Kukka does see me as her biggest part of her life, that would be my achievement, my success, my evidence that I have a meaningful life. 

But that's just me. What about you?

45

Well hello there FORTY-FIVE!

To tell you the truth I had some doubts that I would make it this far. 45 years old. Despite of all the unfortunate events I've been through, I actually feel pretty good about myself. Maybe even better. Why? Well where should I start?

June 22nd, 00:00 o'clock I was at home with my loved ones, covered with a big warm blanket on a comfy bed. I'm healthy, considering. No seizures, no headaches. Then my phone kept on beeping because families and friends started to shower me with heartful birthday wishes. From distant family members to ex boyfriends, from loving friends to acquaintances. Some sent me long and meaningful messages. Some sent me cute emojis and colorful GIFs. One friend I know, a director I used to work with, even sent one a day early 😆 I was especially psyched when I received a message from dr. Rocksy, my neurologist. The first thing that popped in my mind was "Well I made it this far is because of you too. So thank YOU!" 😄 From midnight to midnight again I still received birthday wishes in every apps I have on my phone! I tried to reply every single one of them but please forgive me if I did miss yours 😅

Anyways on my birthday morning I went out to the patio, enjoyed the fresh breeze and the beautiful colors in front of my eyes. The first thing I felt was feeling grateful. I remember once I've stumbled upon this quote "If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we'd be happy with more?" 

This year there was no spending nights in our favorite hotel, no birthday cake and candles or birthday dinner or lunch. We did went out to get my birthday present though. That was the only reason we left the house 😆 Before bed we snuggled together and watched Luca, which btw is a very nice movie. And that my friend, is more than enough for me 🥰

As for my so-called plan for the year ahead, first thing first: accepting reality, not questioning too much, happy thoughts and taking things easy. I also want to be more around people who make me less worried. This is particularly important to me! Less "What ifs" and more "Let's!" All my life I feel like I'm always worried... "Takut ini." - "Nanti itu." - "Gimana kalo nanti gini." - "Awas nanti gitu." It's tiring and evidently it's eating my brain alive bit by bit. The second I'm worried or anxious about something, certain parts of my brain hurts. Like for real! My frontal and temporal lobe hurt. It doesn't feel like a normal headache. It feels more like something sharp is poking the brain, again and again and again. AND THEN a giant rock falls on the top of it and stays there until... Well... In my case until I take my pills. So you see? I don't want to add more pain and huge burden to my injured brain. Most importantly I don't want to pass on this particular bad habit of mine to my cheerful daughter. And hopefully by having a positive mind despite of all the bad things in life that is happening right now, let's just see if it does any good to me. And to you too. Fingers crossed.

Bonus: I've stumbled upon this article about How To Stop Worrying. Worth to read.

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

Again. I forgot to record the first 14 minutes 😓 

Dr. Rocksy: "...Nerima? Saya senang banget sih statement itu. Kalau ngga kita yang nerima diri kita terus siapa lagi, gitu kan?! Jangan terlalu keras juga sama diri sendiri. Gitu kan ya!?! Nah itu satu... Nah depresi ini memang mesti di-support sih... Kadang-kadang apa yang terjadi di lingkungan memang bikin ya tadi... Tambah drop mood-nya. Nah yang kedua gangguan tidur justru. Karena tidur itu kan seperti pada komputer... Restart. Gitu yaa... Jadi memori disimpan jika tidurnya baik, memorinya akan lebih dalem. Tapi kalau tidurnya terganggu, ya kaya nguap lagi. Nah kita mesti koreksi deh soal pola tidur ya..." 

Talked about sleeping pills and other stuff. 

Dr. Rocksy: "...soal depresi, soal insomnianya, itu bisa bikin penurunan. Nah ini penurunannya kalau saya lihat di beberapa poin khusus. Di kesulitan menemukan kata, tapi waktu baca ngga susah. Jadi bukan total fungsi-fungsinya terganggu. Gitu.. Dan beberapa fungsi kreatif masih bagus. Kaya gambar sama nulis masih bisa. 

Memori jangka pendek memang yah... Dari dulu itu salah satu yang paling sulit untuk kita perbaiki. Tapi kondisi brain fog-nya itu yang kayanya bikin orang-orang sekitar jadi ngerasa tidak ada di sini sepertinya kan ya? Bu Farika nih lagi ada di mana sih? Ada di sini tapi ngga ada di sini. Gitu kan ya? Kita kasih nutrisi untuk otaknya ya... Kemarin kan udah kita coba Folavit sama Tebokan tapi kayanya kurang efektif ya... Kita switch ya... Saya mau gantinya pake Brainact dulu. Kita masih ada beberapa suplemen. Nutrisi buat otaknya. 

Tapi yang pasti kejangnya udah ngga. ... Jadi si obat kejang masih kita lanjut ya... Keppra sama Tegretol. Tegretol bisa kita turunin nih! 2x aja sehari. Bagus nih sistemnya 😆 #commenting about my pills & stickers 

Boleh kita turunkan ya? ... Pernah kita turunkan tapi jadi sering? Oh iya ya... Jangan deh... Terakhir September sama Oktober masih sering banget. Nanti deh kita tunggu sampai November ya... .... Yang sampai giginya patah Juli kayanya ya... Yang abis meninggal orang tuanya... Mertua bulan Mei eh April meninggal kan? Abis itu emang agak nge-drop sampai Agustus. Mulai November sih ini bagusnya. Mulai November udah di bawah 10x... Udah mulai jarang ya... Berarti nanti deh kita tunggu sampai November. Obatnya biar ini dulu. Abis ini check lab dulu nanti balik lagi ya!"

Me explaining how to get the lab wrongly. Again and again. 😅

Dr. Rocksy: "Ke lab lantai 2... Lantai 2! 😄 Jadi turun lift ke kiri terus ke kiri lagi!" 

An hour later after blood test and quick lunch.

Dr. Rocksy: "Kita sekarang ngebiasain ngga makan siang di rumah sakit. Pokoknya ngga buka masker aja di rumah sakit. Dokternya pada takut 😄 Kalaupun makan di rumah sakit tuh yang di sudut-sudut dulu. ... HBnya bagus ya... Livernya juga oke kok ini! ... Sedikit naik tapi SGPT SGOT masih normal. Fungsi livernya, enzim livernya. Fungsi ginjalnya juga bagus. Gulanya juga bagus. Ok! Cakep! ... Jadi obatnya masih sama, Keppra sama Tegretol. Tambahan untuk vitamin otaknya Brainact. Sama untuk vitamin livernya saya kasih HP Pro. Ngga jadi dikurangin obatnya. Nanti dulu deh... Kita lihat bulan November. Karena hasil livernya juga ngga jelek kok... Jadi saya berani pake dosis tinggi. Caldece terusin selama COVID aja. Kalo udah nggak sih nggak usah. Kalo udah kehabisan pake CDR boleh. ... Antara Agustus akhir atau September awal ketemu lagi. Kalo ada sesuatu mau datang secepatnya boleh. Kalo ngga, WA dulu. Ih! Ngga apa-apa! 😁 "

So all in all yesterday's session was okay. A couple of tears, lots of laughters and heart-to-heart talk. From 10am until 1:15pm. Not bad. But like always. I still got lost. Not to the Morgue but I forgot which floor I was and where I supposed to go. I was also confused how to get to the cashier. Okay... I'm gonna tell The Rocksy about that next time. 😅

Pictures taken, mask off and hugging with permission. 

😉

Just Another Manic Sunday

It's just another Sunday. I'm at home with my daughter & our kitty, doing our own things, & we are all healthy. What more can I ask for? 

Loud noises are starting to come from everywhere. Kids laughing & screaming. Cars & motorcycles. Right now I can hear the ambulance siren blaring loudly from outside the cluster. I hope it's nothing serious... Birds are chirping right outside the windows. Sometimes I wonder whether they are the same birds with the ones who always sing in the morning. I can hear Moochi snoring. He's taking a nap on the dining chair next to mine. That's his current favorite spot. In short, nothing is unusual. Someone once asked me if I ever get bored because it seems that what I do every day is always the same. My answer was: no. Because it true. Nothing is the same, really. 

Since this whole COVID-19 School-At-Home thing I'm at home 24/7 with our 12yo daughter. Sometimes I wish she'd go out with her dad more. But oh well... I think it should be them who solve it out. Not me 😋 I just hope SiBapa won't be too sad or disappointed or too late to realize that his daughter keeps on growing. Then just like that #FINGERSNAP The time when Kukka chooses friends over her parents will come #bigsigh Even now the things she does-says-asks-wonders-and others are already different. AND CHALLENGING! In shāʾ Allāh in 2 months Kukka will turn 13. An official TEENAGER. Oh god... I know this might sound cliché & boring but it's true. My baby girl doesn't have the mind of a typical (almost) teenager. The comments she gives. The questions she asks. The actions she makes. Lately I have this weird feeling that my daughter will be the one who teaches me about life. Not the other way around. Many times I even think that our daughter might be psychic 😂 Well... That's another blogpost to tell. 

Every weekdays I have 2 maids who work in our house from morning until late noon. They have totally different personalities but they get along quite well. Dewi & Yuli like to tell me stories about their lives, here in Jakarta & in their villages. What kind of traditional food they cooked with their mothers & grandmothers, what games they played when they were kids, what kind of troubles they've done. Sometimes, after a lot of "Maaf, Bu..." it is them who ask me questions. The range of questions can be from what is it about that I'm watching on CNN to what is the english word for- 😁 Yes. Dewi & Yuli are learning how to talk in english & it involves a lot of laughters. It was SiBapa's idea & both of them are enjoying it. Of course there are times when the maids are frustrated about it but I think they are grateful too. And then there are times who is ME who's wondering what on earth the maids are talking about. They talk in javanese & most of the times it includes lots of loud laughters. Dewi said one of the reasons why she gets along with Yuli is because they come from the same part of Java & both are the same age. So what they experience, from childhood to marriage life are pretty much the same. So you see? The maids are another reason why my day-to-day life is always different 😋

Taking my daily walk around the block is another story. To you it might sound boring but to me 30 minutes walk feels like a month of adventure. Because of my health walking around 3 houses can be tough & challenging 😅 But also fun! Our cluster is pretty big to walk around & there's lot of things to see. There's a basketball court where the boys shout, fight & play, usually with no sandals. Even now I'm still wondering how they do it. I mean doesn't it hurt their bare feet??? Then there are 2 playgrounds. Usually full of smaller kids with their mba/nannies who feed them milk & snacks, sometimes even very early dinner. Awkward part of my daily walk is when I meet the same person over & over again. Which means we (have to?) smile at each other or at least nod our head again & again 😝 There is though, 1 woman who always takes her daily walk at the same time & never says or even smiles at me whenever we cross each other. I think she takes her walk very seriously 😉 Me? I just enjoy it. Eventhough I walk quite fast I do take the time to "observe" other people's houses. You can tell a lot about a family from how the house look. And of course the kids. You can tell quite a few things about a family from how the kid behaves.

Healthwise is still a very big adventure. Not only for me but sadly also for the people around me. Especially my pretty girl, who I've mentioned above, spends every minute of her day with me. Although now Kukka can take very good care of her Bubu but still... I can see the worry in her eyes whenever I have the lightest seizure. 15 minutes ago I had to stop typing because I could feel a light seizure was...on the way. Which means second seizure of the day, 4th this week. I didn't want to make my baby worried but I also didn't want to get another chipped tooth or a bruised eye. So I laid down on our new super comfy sofa & just breath. Later I realized it was time for the pills... AND next month I have to see The Rocksy! Okay! That one will require a special blogpost 😆

So you see? I'm having 24/7 adventure every single day. Don't you agree? 😉

EID MUBARAK!

Sending our love and good wishes to you all on this Eid.

HAPPY EID MUBARAK 1442 H!

Wishing everyone, our beloved friends and families 

happy holidays, stay safe and always be healthy!

-ica-farika-kukka-

Skipping School In Bali

Forgive me Blogpost for I have disappeared for quite some time. It's just my head & my fingers don't get along very well lately. And don't start with the memory problem #BIGSIGH There's actually so much going on that is worth to write but... Ow well! Let's just give it a shot with this post. About our last trip to Bali 😊

Yup! We went to Bali. Again. In the middle of the pandemic. I wasn't really surprised because it's just how he is. Yep. I'm talking about my husband, Hubster. SiBapa. With his sudden "Let's!". One day he just said "Let's go to Bali!". Nevermind that his daughter actually had school 😅 So there I was, looking for airplane tickets, official letter from The Rocksy for bringing the pills because God forbid I got arrested because of it 😂 Then of course AirBnB, car rental & places to go after it was sure that the 4 of us, Hubs, Kukka, me & Dewi were healthy - COVID-19 free. Dewi came along because Hubs planned to stay longer in Bali to be with his friends. So Dewi took care of Kukka & I. She came along also to make sure that all of us would be back home safe & sound. Of couse Dewi was very excited about it when I told her about the Bali trip. I asked whether she would mind to come with us during fasting month. Oh yeah? Did I already mention that this is actually fasting month? As predicted Dewi's answer was "No!" 😆

The 4 of us arrived in Bali on April 14th. We went straight to the villa I've found in AirBnB. It wasn't as I thought it would be. Jade Lotus Villa Seminyak was bigger than it appeared on the pictures. It's very big, clean, & nicely decorated. There are 3 big bedrooms with bathrooms which have bathtubs & showers on the open roof side. I couldn't help but wondering whenever I took a shower what if somebody jumped over the wall or as simple as took a peek 😅 There's also a nice swimming pool, an open living room & a kitchen. Kukka shared the room with Dewi. The "minus" part was maybe where the villa is located. We had to go through a small alley first to get there. But it wasn't a big deal. In short, check it out in AirBnB if you're interested. I recommend it. 😉 

Anyways not long after we took a breath in the villa, there came the magic words "Kalo mau tidur sih di rumah aja." Something like that 😁 Weeelll okaaaay SiBapa was right... We went straight to Nasi Tempong Indra for late lunch. Hubs talked about this place since the last time he was in Bali. He raved on & on about its sambel/chili sauce which is in fact very delicious & VERY SPICY. I warn you, if you're not into spicy food, maybe you should try something else or dip in the chili sauce juuuuuust a little bit 😅 I didn't even take pictures of the restaurant because 1. I was too busy eating. 2. I was too full. 3. My mouth was on fire! Next: Double Six. It was a beautiful afternoon. The picture below speaks for itself. Dewi went AWOL almost straight away, after she politely asked me to take pictures of her. Lots of pictures 😁 While Hubs & Kukka had fun in the water, I spent my time just chillin' there, sipping cold drink, listening to 2 guys on stage playing guitar & singing. I think we went back to the villa after my beloved duo had their blast. It was like they had the whole beach for themselves.  

 

Then it was time for me to rest while daddy & daughter went to have a night out with Hubs' friends. Spending time with adults has never been a problem for Kukka so yeah... She videocalled me around 9pm while I was already snuggling in bed. She told me that they're in this cafe & listening to live music. 

My baby said "They're playing indonesian songs but it's actually good. I like it." 😆 I can't remember what time they came back to the villa. I guess it was already pretty late & I assumed they didn't eat or have any snack at this place called Pison. Because daddy-daughter were very hungry & asked Dewi to cook Indomie Goreng. I ended up having very late dinner too 😂 

The next day, April 15th, we had a late breakfast at Revolver Espresso. The food was delicious & the place is nice. Dewi didn't waste much time to ask me to take pictures of her behind the bar, acting as a bartender 😂 After our tummies were full we headed off to Nusa Dua. The scenery was heartbreaking... It was practically a ghost town. I think I saw only 1 or 2 tourists? I guess COVID-19 hit Nusa Dua pretty hard... After doing some shopping we drove through some kind of a forest & ended up in Pantai Melasti. It was beautiful. No filter needed!

If I remember it correctly, I think there were more people at Melasti Beach & it was pretty hot too. Like always, I spent my time away from the water, observing people & taking pictures. We ended the day by having dinner in Pison. Check out its' instagram Pisoncoffee!

April 16th: this time I promised myself to bring back something for my beloved dr. Rocksy 😄 So when we went to Krisna I made sure I bought something for her. I was lucky to have Dewi with me because to tell you the truth this oleh-oleh thing is not...me. Mostly I bring back something from a trip because a certain person ASK me for it. Example: my BFF wanted this dodol rumput laut thingy & I got it for her. Also being inside the big store made me quite dizzy. I was surprised to see the crowd in there since outside, in the city or the beach, it was like a forgotten city, an abandoned island. I wonder if the tourists came to Bali only to shop instead of spending time at the beach. Then we had lunch in Warung Bendega. The duck was yummy! After everyone's tummies were full Kukka, Dewi & I had to take another swab test. It was a drive-through thing. All we had to do is sit in the car, open the window & "give" our noses to have them swabed. The results came back after a couple of minutes. Alhamdulillah all negative. Btw did I mention that the weather was god damn hot??? So when we were back at villa I immediately turned on the AC & just enjoyed being there inside the villa. After a tiring day dealing with oleh-oleh, coming back to a nice & clean villa felt just right 😁 My loved ones one the other hand jumped right into the pool. I guess the pool water must felt way better than just lying on the bed with clean sheets inside a cold bedroom 😅 The rest of the day I've spent packing the suitcases & made sure that I got everything. Oleh-oleh, dirty laundries, getting rid of sands from the sandals, what to put in Hubs' suitcase & others. I also had to make sure that I'd be in good condition for the flight back home. So I think I went to sleep right after everything was packed.

April 17th. Our last day in Bali. I was excited to go home & to see our favorite boy. Oh yeah! Did I mention I texted Yuli & Ari like A LOT to ask how Moochi was doing & to make sure that Ari didn't forget to give him food? Yuli also said that Moochi looked confused & meowed in front of my bedroom all the time. I think he was looking for you, Yuli said 😊 Meanwhile SiBapa seemed excited to stay longer with his friends. I think if he had a month of free time, he'd be spending it in Bali. Nevermind the fact that his wife & daughter were alone at home 😅 Long story short Kukka, Dewi & I arrived at home around 3pm safe & sound. It's true. There's no place like home. At least for me. 😉 

Yet like always, a trip to Bali never fails. All of us had a great time & I have my beloved Hubster to thank for it. Oh! And you know what??? No seizures at all!!! Eventhough the whole thing was tiring I didn't even have like what? Phantosmia? Trembling? Nope. Nothing! The saddest part about this trip was probably to see so many places like stores, hotels, restaurants & many others closed down because of the pandemic. Including my favorite italian restaurant 😢 When we were at the beach I asked a bartender what time they usually open up the bar. He said since the pandemic began there's no more morning session because "Sepiiii..." 😢 I hope everything will go back to normal for everyone's sake... Amen.

Then Bintaro, April 18th 2pm, 2:10 minutes: light seizure!!! Ooooowkaaaay... Does it mean we have to go back to Bali??? 😂😂😂

*Note: I wrote this post based on memory & pictures. Sadly it's very possible that I left something out, sequence of moments fucked up & others. But so what? Right?!

 

By Elly Risman: SUATU SAAT KITA AKAN MENINGGALKAN MEREKA. JANGAN MAINKAN SEMUA PERAN

Kita tidak pernah tahu, anak kita akan terlempar ke bagian bumi yang mana nanti, maka izinkanlah dia belajar menyelesaikan masalahnya sendiri. Jangan memainkan semua peran.

Ya jadi ibu.

Ya jadi koki.

Ya jadi tukang cuci.

Ya jadi ayah.

Ya jadi supir.

Ya jadi tukang ledeng.

Anda bukan anggota tim SAR! Anak anda tidak dalam keadaan bahaya. Tidak ada sinyal S.O.S! Jangan selalu memaksa untuk membantu dan memperbaiki semuanya.

#Anak mengeluh karena mainan puzzle-nya tidak bisa nyambung menjadi satu, "Sini...Ayah bantu!".

#Tutup botol minum sedikit susah dibuka, "Sini...Mama saja".

#Tali sepatu sulit diikat, "Sini...Ayah ikatkan".

#Kecipratan sedikit minyak, "Sudah sini, Mama aja yang masak".

Kapan anaknya bisa?

Kalau bala bantuan muncul tanpa adanya bencana, apa yang terjadi ketika bencana benar2 datang? Berikan anak2 kesempatan untuk menemukan solusi mereka sendiri.

Kemampuan menangani stress, menyelesaikan masalah, dan mencari solusi, merupakan keterampilan/skill yang wajib dimiliki. Dan skill ini harus dilatih untuk bisa terampil. Skill ini tidak akan muncul begitu saja hanya dengan simsalabim! Kemampuan menyelesaikan masalah dan bertahan dalam kesulitan tanpa menyerah bisa berdampak sampai puluhan tahun ke depan.

Bukan saja bisa membuat seseorang lulus sekolah tinggi, tapi juga lulus melewati ujian badai pernikahan dan kehidupannya kelak. Tampaknya sepele sekarang... Secara apalah salahnya kita bantu anak? Tapi jika Anda segera bergegas menyelamatkannya dari segala kesulitan, dia akan menjadi ringkih dan mudah layu.

Sakit sedikit, mengeluh. Berantem sedikit, minta cerai. Masalah sedikit, jadi gila. Jika Anda menghabiskan banyak waktu, perhatian, dan uang untuk IQ nya, maka habiskan pula hal yang sama untuk AQ nya.

AQ? Apa itu?

ADVERSITY QUOTIENT

Menurut Paul G. Stoltz, AQ adalah kecerdasan menghadapi kesulitan atau hambatan dan kemampuan bertahan dalam berbagai kesulitan hidup dan tantangan yang dialami.

Bukankah kecerdasan ini lebih penting daripada IQ, untuk menghadapi masalah sehari-hari? Perasaan mampu melewati ujian itu luar biasa nikmatnya. Bisa menyelesaikan masalah, mulai dari hal yang sederhana sampai yang sulit, membuat diri semakin percaya bahwa meminta tolong hanya dilakukan ketika kita benar2 tidak sanggup lagi.

So, izinkanlah anak Anda melewati kesulitan hidup...

Tidak masalah anak mengalami sedikit luka, sedikit menangis, sedikit kecewa, sedikit telat, dan sedikit kehujanan. Tahan lidah, tangan dan hati dari memberikan bantuan. Ajari mereka menangani frustrasi. Kalau anda selalu jadi ibu peri atau guardian angel, apa yang terjadi jika anda tidak bernafas lagi esok hari?

Bisa2 anak Anda ikut mati.

Sulit memang untuk tidak mengintervensi ketika melihat anak sendiri susah, sakit dan sedih. Apalagi menjadi orangtua, insting pertama adalah melindungi. Jadi melatih AQ ini adalah ujian kita sendiri juga sebagai orangtua.

Tapi sadarilah, hidup tidaklah mudah. Masalah akan selalu ada. Dan mereka harus bisa bertahan. Melewati hujan, badai, dan kesulitan, yang kadang tidak bisa dihindari.

_Selamat berjuang untuk mencetak pribadi yg kokoh dan mandiri_

I copy-pasted this article and I say: AMEN TO THIS!!!

World Encephalitis Day 2021!

 

Today is World Encephalitis Day! 

Please wear something red on February 22nd 

to raise awareness for this deadly thief of disease. 

Check out the brilliant The Encephalitis Society for info and ways to help.

Thank you!

Parenthood

Probably one of the most complicated things in life. As a mother. As a father. You can't be too hard on your child nor too easy. If you want a perfect child you have to do it just right. Which is obviously impossible. Especially when you're raising your child together with your spouse #Duh Well you know what I mean, right?! Both of you are involved, commited? When it comes to parenting, there will be tons of stuff both of you would disagree with each other. Especially if one of the parents still sees/considers the child as a baby 😅

You think letting your child go biking on a rainy day is bad. Your spouse think it will make her body stronger. The father teaches the child to be polite. The mother tells to just brush other people off. And the list goes on. What most of us as parents often forget is that a child also learns from what she sees and listens. As simple as that. You want your child to be polite. Yet never once you say "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry.". You want your child to be honest. Yet you lie on daily basis. You want your child to be nice. Yet you raise your voice and blame others. You want your child to love you. But first, when was the last time you say "I love you" and mean it?

From the matters you are thinking to the actions you are making to the words you are saying. Your children listen and store everything deep inside their brains. Later on there are possibilities: 1. They will become exactly like you. 2. They will and want to become much better person than you. 3. They will become the person you despise or worse. Maybe there's more. Just leave your comment below. And later on your child will either love you or hate you for it. Some might even need lifetime therapy. 

I personally consider myself to be a very lucky person. I've been raised in a very loving family. I'm sure I've talked about my Mom and Dad, my big sister and big brother like A LOT! 😝 Why? Well... It's because I respect and love them and I love saying and showing it again and again and again. There are some...complications on my side of life story. But the amount of love I've received these past 44 years from my loved ones has been overwhelming, some might be unnecessary or even annoying. I'm sure that's how Kukka feels about her Bubu nowadays 😋 The best part now that she's almost a teenager is how Kukka and I can open up about lots of things. Some even adult stuff 😉 SiBapa also plays his role as a father. Whenever this cute father-daughter couple spend time together they leave SiBubu alone at home.

Anyway... My Precious Godsend and me? We pour our hearts out, share our secrets, what-ifs, fears and regrets. I share my feelings to my girl so we can understand each other better. I advice my daughter not to make the same mistakes I've made. I show my girl how to be strong and patient in the middle of a storm. In short, I try my best to be a good person, for me and her. Because, hopefully, there's a long life ahead of us which we will go through together. As mother and daughter.

And so the parenthood adventure continues. 

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

"Ensephalitis tuh kalau pada perempuan angka kejadiannya sering bareng sama yang namanya teratoma. Teratoma itu tumor jinak yang bawaan lahir sebetulnya. Biasanya di daerah rahim. Jadi kita mesti cari setiap perempuan kena ensephalitis NMDA mesti cari ada teratoma atau ngga. Waktu itu saya periksa tuh CT Scan-nya! Memang ngga ada teratoma. Tapi SEINGAT saya nih ya kayanya ada sesuatu. Makanya saya pengen evaluasi ulang. 

Tapi yang sekarang bagus nih! Cakep! Cuma ada kista kecil sih di livernya. #censored Ngga apa-apa! Itu mah biasa! Ngga bahaya sama sekali. #censored Ini foto perut dibelah tengah nih ya! #censored Ini paru-paru. Ini lambung. #censored Ini kistanya, diukur ngga nyampe 0,5. Kista itu kantong isi air. Ini rahimnya aman. Justru bersih banget! Yang lain-lain oke lho! Oke banget semuanya. Ini kandung kencingnya bagus. Ginjalnya juga bagus. Udah! Cakep semua. Kista tadi abaikan saja. Sama sekali ngga bahaya. Ngga ada batu.

Ayo kita lihat buku diary ya! Makin jarang nih syukur ya! #censored Yang sampai bener-bener pingsan ngga ada ya... Lebih banyak gemeter, gigi gemeletuk. Oh tapi ini ada nih yang sampai ngga ingat apa-apa! Kejang sampai kaku kegigit bibir gitu ngga ada ya! Telinga berdengung? Coba ke THT ya! (Udah pernah, aman) Pendengaran sampai terganggu? Kalau orang ngomong harus benar-benar keras? Harus diulang?? Oh iya ini kejangnya hampir setiap Senin nih! Kenapa? Habis weekend... Ini namanya I don't like Monday bener-bener nih! #LOL 

Secara umum dari segi serangannya kita bersyukur ya jauh membaik ya... Cuma... memori nih yaaa... Belum pulih lagi ya... Malah tambah turun ya... Rasanya apa? Bener-bener susah untuk disimpen atau lebih kaya ngga fokus? Memang ilang ya... Biarpun sudah fokus agak sulit untuk disimpen gitu ya? Deja vus. Susah tidur makin sering ya.. Sampai mimpi buruk ngga ya? Pas bangun rasanya sedih atau mood-nya jadi low banget... Overall, di luar mimpi, perasaan sendirinya gimana? #censored

Saya kasih suplemen tambahan ya... Asam folat aja sih... Mudah-mudahan bisa bantu retain memorinya. Ibu kan sebenernya termasuk rajin tuh! Diary selalu diisi, recording. Salah satu melatih memori memang adalah pertama memperbaiki fokus atau atensi, tidak melakukan beberapa hal dalam satu waktu. Lakukan 1 hal pada 1 waktu. #censored Kedua bikin lebih slow, lebih lambat. Karena once kita in a rush, lagi buru-buru biasanya memorinya juga jadi lebih gampang menguap. Makanya sebetulnya orang-orang yang suka multitasking terus terburu-buru itu akhirnya ngga pernah bener-bener kesimpen memorinya. Nah ini karena ada underlying-nya ya... Sebelumnya pernah kena ensephalitis jadi seperti kita belajar baru lagi ya.. Cuma ini kok ngga lulus-lulus gitu ya! Ke Siloam aja masih nyasar terus! Waduh! #LOL 

Kalau angka gimana? Hmm... (berhitung) Makin parah ya? Ngafalin nomor telefon atau nomor rumah, susah banget ya... #censored 

Pada akhirnya banyak enjoy lah! Menikmati. Ngga apa-apa sih! Lupa itu banyak untungnya kok! Jadi ngga dendam, jadi ngga marah, jadi ngga stress gitu ya! (dulu tukang dendam) Langsung dikasih jadi lupa ya! #LOL 

Sakit kepala masih? Keleyengan ya... Yang sampai jatuh kaya naik kapal ngga ya?

Itu hal yang bagus ya belajar pakai kamus! Itu sekarang lagi direkomendasiin baca kamus. Saya juga baru baca beberapa penelitian tentang itu. Kita itu kan katakanlah tahu 100 ribu kosa kata tapi jarang kita pakai. Paling yang kita pakai 1000. Jadi dengan membaca kamus kita nemuin lagi kata-kata tuh kaya manggil lagi memori-memori yang jaman... Iya, ngga seru banget baca kamus. #LOL Tapi ya banyak merangsang otak. 

Kayanya obat sekarang dosisnya cocok ya! Tes memori lagi abis lebaran aja yah! Mei. 

Lupa tahun ngga boleh lho...! Kalo udah tahun tuh... Lupa tahun kayanya bukan karena lupa tapi lebih karena angka. Angka jadi kaya ngga interest. Jadi makin gampang banget ngelupain angka karena numbers tuh bukan sesuatu yang bermakna. Tapi tetep lho! Kalau perlu nyobek kalender ya itu kebiasaan baik! Nyilangin tanggal ngga apa-apa, susah jaman sekarang nyari kalender sobek. Dengan mengisi diary kan juga ada tanggal. 

Puasa ngga masalah kaya tahun lalu. (Tau diri aja) #censored Oh itu pas yang mertua meninggal... Jadi mertua meninggal tuh Maret... Abis itu kacau deh sering kejang. Pernah vertigo juga. 

Tebokan. Buat telinga yang berdenging. (Kena ensephalitis jadi tuli) Ada tapi jarang sih... Mungkin karena efek samping obat. 

Saya masih ada beberapa yang pengen di-check up aja. Kaya kolesterol, kekentalan darah, nanti aja habis lebaran. Itu rutin sih kalau bisa setahun sekali. Kadang-kadang kalau kekentalan darah tinggi, kolesterol tinggi, mengganggu pendengeran juga. Karena aliran darahnya jadi kurang bagus. 

(SUDEP) Yang paling khas kejang itu kalau kegigit. Jadi kalau pagi lho kok ada darah? Nah itu pasti kejang! Tanda khas abis kejang tuh 1. Kegigit. 2. Ada biru-biru. 3. Atau ngompol. Emang kalau bisa jangan tidur sendiri. Kalaupun sendiri, ada orang deket, samping kamar, jadi kalau ada apa-apa bisa kedengeran. Atau ya CCTV. Gara-gara Bu Farika semua pasien saya suruh pasang CCTV lho! 

Obat lanjut ya! Cuma tambah vitamin Folavit dan Ginko ya... Buat telinga ya! Ketemu lagi Mei akhir ya! 

Dear Kukka: Yes baby?

It's been 2 months since my last post. It's not like there's nothing worth writing for has happened. I was just not in the mood. But like always, you inspire me. Woohooo surprise (NOT!)! 😋 These last couple of days... I mean come on! There's no way I'm not going to write about it. Although most of the stuff we do have to keep it to ourselves, some I do want to put it in writing.

You know that it's been always my dream since forever to have a daughter. A version of Bapa & I combined, who later on can be the one I share personal things to. Good, bad, happy stuff, sad stuff, wishes, secrets, regrets. Absolutely about everything. Well maybe there are some stuff I should keep it to myself because it might hurt your feelings. Or probably even...damage you later on as an adult? 😂 But again... These last 2 years I'm watching you growing up to be a smart, intelligent preteen with super sensitive soul and a sharp mind. I mean... The things you say and comment about... And the questions you ask?!?! Man... I must confess many times you're giving me the chills, baby 😆 It's like you see right through me and there's nothing I can hide from you. Even the words you choose are PRECISE. Not those childish hints which are stupidly too easy to read. None are vague or dumb. As a matter of fact I think many times you're just pretending as if you don't know about some things. It's just because you want to ask me. You want to hear my opinions coming right out of my mouth straight to you. And this is exactly why I always want a daughter. I always want this kind of relationship. This is why I always wanted YOU.

Our conversations now cover various of more...may I say...sophisticated topics? Although silly ones are obviously still there 😏 Lots of topics just get more complicated for me to answer immediately. I have to ask you for some time so I can google first 😅 Better for me to confess that I'm clueless rather than giving you stupid and wrong answers. Right?!? Which in not so near future you will find out anyways and big chance you turn them into jokes to make me look silly. Like you and your beloved Bapa always do 😒 

Our girl talk usually happens before bedtime. When every task of the day is finished and we just lay down together on the bed. Waiting until the Sandman sprinkles his magical sand onto our eyes. Our conversation starts with you asking "Hey Bubu?" and I would smile to myself in the dark, answering "Yes baby?". Then there they are. The questions, the comments, the stories, the what ifs... Often followed by me gasping or holding my breath, thinking very hard how to satisfy your curiousity. I believe once I told myself not to be those kind of mothers who give answers to their children just for the sake of answering. I want to give you the right answers. I want to tell you the truth. Good or bad. Nothing is too gross. None is too innocent. I want to tell you things as it is. It will be quite difficult I pressume. Since you are a smart and sensitive kid. Now... The things I tell you might not as interesting as you hear from Bapa or as you expected them to be. But one thing for sure: they will be honest.

You do have to remember though, baby... It's been already 12 years but I'm still learning here. And I guess I will never stop learning how to be a good mother. Because I'm sure there will always be something new for me to learn. So cut me some slack if I make mistakes, okay? 😉 I'm also the one who you spend most of your time with. Yet it doesn't mean that you can rely on me like every second of the day. The things you can and cannot do are not up to me. It's all you. Although sadly that is not how most people would see. If a child cannot do things, it's always the mother who is to blame. Sad. I know. But that's just how it is. This topic once led to other questions such as how I would feel if you don't want to get married and what if you don't want to have children. I remember I had quite a chuckle before giving you my answers. 

Another update about you is that apparently now I also have to ask for your approval first before posting anything that has to do with you. Pictures, comments, stories, etc. Fair enough. You are not a baby anymore. 😊 Ugly pictures, embarassing stories, private moments and such can only be found in my diary. 😏 But then when the night comes... After our cuddling time and girl talk end... And I'm looking at your beautiful and peaceful sleeping face... At that moment I know for sure... That you will always be my baby. My one and only love of my life. My Baiyi. 😘😍

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

I forgot to record the session (again) so what I'm writing here is a more-or-less and conclusion things :)

1. First mistake: I made the appointment at 11am. Knowing that I was going to take some kind of a test, 11am is too late. DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!

2. This time I did remember to give the stickers to the nurse, letting The Rocks know that I was already in the waiting room. Thank God! :))

3. The Rocks wasn't very happy when she saw my Buku Harian Epilepsi. "Wah banyak sekali kejangnya!" she commented. I was... Well... All I could do was grin and said "Yah... Gimana dong..." My "self-defense" was that the seizures happened on the timeline during Kukka's exams and graduation from elementary school. Followed by a couple of exams and acceptance to junior high. Also because of Bapak's passing... Yes... I'm still very sad about it. I told The Rocks (in tears) that I still cry whenever I remember Bapak. As a matter of fact I'm shedding tears like...right this second...

4. The COVID-19 pandemic. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is stressed out because of it. Why am I stressed out? Well... Obviously I'm sort of disappointed that Kukka still can't go to school and make new friends in person. This whole School From Home thing is not good for my kid (yours probably too...). She's spending more and more time looking at screens, computer and cellphone, because she has to (and of course she's enjoying it very much -_-). Another thing that pisses me off is I can't go and enjoy my weekly pilates session with Mba Ira :( Believe it or not I really miss pilates. Not only the session but also the me-time I always have when I go to Perfect 10. Having coffee and snack before or after the session in random cafes, enjoying all the way from home to Dharmawangsa Square. And many other things. Being in constant fear, uncertainties, paranoia, disappointment and anxiety because of this god damn virus makes me... Not very well. I told The Rocks all about it.

5. I took a memory test yesterday and it was EXHAUSTING!!! I forgot the doctor's name who did the test with me. How ironic :D It was a young man and he was very nice. The things he said and the way he explained the tests were very clear. The young doctor was very patient too. But I think when I started to have a minor seizure during the test, he looked kinda... Worried? Well excuse me, doc! But I was in the hospital from 10:38am - 3:09pm!!! What do you expect? :)) Young doc immediately called The Rocks, who still had a patient with her when I started to shiver. The seizure ended when The Rocks came. Couldn't explain anything to her but the young doc did that already (probably even better than me). As conclusion: it was because I WAS EXHAUSTED. And to make it even worse the tests scores are not so good. Oh by the way the memory tests' names were MMSE and MoCA

6. Homework from The Rocks: continue the daily afternoon walk, which she thinks is a very good thing (as long as I have someone with me and I'm not tired). Also the blogging, writing project and keep on drawing! Because my memory is getting worse I have to read a book. Preferably a book with short stories or an article and then write a review about it like 1-2 pages based on what I remember. NO CHEATING! :p

7. My beloved doctor said that she has another patient who has the same illness like mine and the patient is pretty depressed about it :( Then somehow her patient came across/being told about my blog and has been reading about my "adventure". Somehow my stories is helping the patient. Good to hear :) Then The Rocks started to go on about why me not making some sort of a community that can help each other. Hmmm... Okay doc... I'm taking it into consideration :) I mean I can hardly remember what to do tomorrow :)) How can I take care of a community???? 

8. Tegretol's (white pill) dose is changed (back?) to 3 times a day because of all the seizures I'm having :( 

9. Next exam February 2021: Lab and abdominal CT Scan. She told me we already did it (5 years ago when I was submitted to the hospital) since one of the causes of Autoimmune Encephalitis is a tumor in the abdomen. The Rocks told me that the next one is not a must. More like an evaluation. Should I?

Anyway... November's session is done. Very long but pretty okay. It took hours and hours and it made the maids AND Ari, the driver, very worried. They kept sending me texts, asking me whether I was okay and where I was. The maids and Ari got even more worried because I didn't reply any of their texts :))) At the end of the day I managed to go home with a light heart and a pretty calm mind. And when I arrived at home I slept and I slept and I slept like the dead. 

I would love to end this post with a major thank you to my favorite doctor. And this time I didn't forget to take our 3-monthly picture!! YEAY! :)