46

 Today I open my eyes and see things with my heart.

I grasp the chaotic debris of my shattered self 

and catch a glimpse of the shining lights, 

which fill up the unharmed parts of my soul.

I'm crushed, I'm broken.

I'm blessed and I'm stronger.

Today I'm 46 and I accept the good and the best,

the worst and the unforgiven.

With serenity and for the sake of my sanity,

I'm welcoming the next chapter of my life

with lots of love, gratitude and new hope.

Amen.

Dear Kukka: You and Me

My baby, my beloved. My precious Godsend, my everything. 

It's been too long since my last rambling. If I should start again, why not now? 

And naturally, why shouldn't it be for and about us? 😚 

A lot of things have happened. Good and the worse. The unthinkable. The indespicable. I feel like I'm standing on hollow ground. Yet at the same time I'm floating here and there, not knowing whether I'm gonna land safely or shattered into pieces. I can see the broken glasses, filth and dirt. Every layer hurts so much it practically makes me feel nothing. As if everything just as it is, as it is, as is. Of course nothing is the same. I don't know what to say or how to feel or who to trust anymore but one. For this, I'm giving myself extra credit for still being able to find the unstained side of the dumpster. I can see without doubts that I have a bright side to hold on to. 

You 🥰 

Bebi... You and I are destined to enjoy this incredible ride together. Eversince love "flew" inside me and gave you life... ... Wait. That doesn't sound right but you get what I mean 😆 You and Bubu? We have each other's backs. You're my buffer. I'm your shield. You're my guardian angel. I'm your eternal protector. The fact that you are now a teenager makes it even better! Your sharp and annoying comments, your typical teenager Just-Leave-Me-Alone attitude, your I'm-gonna-shock-Bubu kind of questions aaaaaand our nightly super deep pillow talks... 😉 Every single thing makes our life, especially mine, better than greater. Probably 99% as I pictured it would be if I'm blessed with a daughter. Well I'm beyond blessed!! Although I must say that I'm still not physically and mentally prepared 😂 I mean like those arguments we had? The topics, the words, the physical gestures???? Practically taken out of Hollywood movies!!! 🤣 But like I said: This is why I always wanted and prayed for a daughter. My precious Godsend 🥰 

These past 13-going on 14 years have been one hell of a ride in every way. And Bubu surely is looking forward to many exciting years to come, as long as you're there. Bebi, I'll be right next to you. I love you 😘

ICA - FARIKA - KUKKA WISH YOU

    "MAY YOU BE PART OF PEOPLE WHO RETURN TO PURITY AND PART OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GRANTED GLORY" 

SELAMAT HARI RAYA IDUL FITRI 1443 H

MOHON MAAF LAHIR DAN BATIN

THIS PRECIOUS DAY SHALL BRING 

PEACE, JOY, AND HAPPINESS 

TO YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES

*THE ICA LAWENDATUS*

About Dreams

dream

/drēm/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. 1. 

   a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep.

   "I had a recurrent dream about falling from great heights"

   Similar:

   fantasy

   nightmare

   vision

   hallucination

   • 2. 

     a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

     "I fulfilled a childhood dream when I became champion"

     Similar:

     ambition

     aspiration

     hope

     goal

     design

     plan

     aim

     object

As much as I like to fantasize about stuff I don't dream very often when I sleep. When I do I usually forget about it minutes after I wake up. Aaaand I don't think much about it. But lately it's different. These couple of weeks I'm 90% sure that I dream every single night. It was not a big deal. Not until most of those dreams woke me up in fear, heavily panting, screaming & even drenched in sweat & tears. Yes. Those things happened. Sadly I don't remember what went on in most of those dreams. But in some I do... 

I think it all started when I had dreams about Bapa, my heavily missed father-in-law. I forgot how many times I dreamed about him... But surely it was more than 3-4 times. I remember the dreams were nice, sweet, gentle. Just like he was... One time in my dream Bapa asked me how I was doing. He came to me & we sat together on the swing (which also happened in real life). Bapa asked me why I always look so sad & as the dream faded away, so did he... He held my shoulder as I kissed his hand & said "Jangan sedih terus ya Ka..." Then poof! Bapa was gone. I woke up in tears because I still had a lot to tell him... 😢

After that I think my dreams got weirder... And more often. One time I dreamed about running in the middle of a heavy rain because I missed/couldn't find the car! 😄 I woke up hugging myself & shivering because my clothes were wet. In real life maybe the AC were too cold! 😆 There's also this one time when I had a nightmare like a really scary one. Like...demon & such. I was terrified & I woke up panting hard. I was practically out of breath. Why? Well because in my dream I was trying to escape from that god damn monster! 😄 Do you think this happened because I watched too many scary movies? 😂 

But the scariest dream I had I must say is that particular one where I lost all my teeth. One by one... Each started crumbling into small pieces. At first I noticed one tooth started to wiggle so I pulled it out. But then one tooth fell out on to the floor! I picked it up with trembling hand. Then from the back of my mouth every single one of my tooth started to crumble! Shattered into tiny pieces! I opened my mouth & the pieces of my teeth fell on to my hands. I screamed. I was terrified! I tried to find help but nobody was there. I kept my mouth closed so the pieces won't fall out to the ground. But there were too many! And tiny! I couldn't close my mouth any longer. So I opened it... Then the shattered teeth were all over the floor & seconds later I was practically drowned in them! I screamed. Then I woke up, finding myself screaming in real life. Some dream huh?! 😅

Before I had this terrifying dream I never look up or even try to make sense of any of the dreams I had in my life. I mean it's just a dream! Well except the ones about Bapa... From the very first dream I had about him I knew it was because I missed Bapa very much. And that I am still sad about his passing. As a matter of fact I'm typing this in tears like RIGHT NOW 😅 Yeah... But the shattered teeth & others???

So I started to google about the meaning of dreams. DON'T LAUGH! 😄 You know what?!? It turns out that dreaming about loosing teeth, drenched in rain & others are actually quite common! If you search about it, you'll find the meaning of those dreams. Do I believe it? Well... I can't say that I do. But it sure is fun & quite interesting to read 😊 I guess as long as it doesn't do you any harm then why not? Keep googling! 😝 

I'm actually more interested & curious in why I dream in the first place. Also why the dreams were THAT "powerful" they made me actually do or say things for real while I was sleeping. Sometimes I wonder what would happened if I laugh or cry or scream etc when my loved ones were sleeping next to me 😆 Hubs probably won't comment about it. But my super curious teenager girl? That'll be another story to tell 😆

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

Lots of tests by the doc herself 😅 I was in the room for more than 1 hour!! I bet the patients whose turns were after me hated me for being in the room THAT long! 

Session written below obviously edited/incomplete. Because lots of things are confidential 🤪 If you are wondering WHY I even share these stuff in the first place, it's because I know that I'm not the only one who's struggling/trying to survive. I hope by sharing my sessions with my beloved doc I could help some of you out there by even... Oh I don't know... Letting you know that you are not alone? 

Be happy, stay healthy! 😉

dr. Rocksy: 

"... Sentuh semua lingkaran kecuali yang hijau. Sentuh lingkaran merah bukan persegi putih. Sebagai ganti persegi putih, sentuh lingkaran biru. Selain menyentuh lingkaran biru, sentuh juga lingkaran putih. 

Masih bagus kok! Masih cakep bu! Itu tadi tes bahasa. Di atas 32 masih dihitung normal. .... Tes konsentrasi masih bagus. Konsentrasi atau atensinya ya... Untuk atensi mesti ada alat bantu nih ya... 

Berhitung lebih ke arah mana? Terganggu ya? ... Nah kalau ini lebih ke konsentrasi nih! ... 2x8? 56:8? ... Yuk kita tensi dulu yuk! Kasian ini... Tiduran dulu, tiduran dulu! Jadi perhitungannya jelas terganggu ya! Hitungan sederhana. Jangan stress dulu! Tensinya naik! Tadi yang bahasa lulus lho! 

Tapi sebetulnya ibu sendiri dengan kondisi sekarang bisa accept ya, bisa terima ya? Nggak kesel sama diri sendiri? ... Kesel ya? ... Sesederhana itu ya, emang kesel ya... Postur tremor ya... Agak rigid ya... 

Kita tes fungsi kognitifnya ya! Kita mau yang berpikir abstrak nih! ... Standar ya kita gambar jam! Gambar jam dinding lingkaran yang besar, dengan angka yang lengkap. ... Jam 1 lewat 45 menit. .................. Coba benerin lagi jarum pendeknya. ............. Pede? 

(ABOUT 3 MINUTES 15 SECONDS!!!!)

KENAPA perlu waktu lama untuk betul-betul...? Tadi sempet ada nge-blank? Karena waktu awal bikin lingkaran sama bikin angkanya bagus banget. Smooth. Begitu mikir jarum... Dulu ibu selalu pake jam memang. Saya liat sekarang udah jarang. Nah! ... Tapi masih sering toh ngeliat jam? ... Bukan digital ya? PR di rumah, latihan ya... 

Ini lebih ke fungsi eksekutif ya... Kemampuan bikin planning, perencanaan dan memutuskan. ... 

Ini saya minta ibu untuk liat gambar ini 1 menit, liat baik-baik. ... Ada gambar apa aja tadi? ... Bolanya dimanaaaa? Hahahaha! Jadi bola ngga ada yaaaa! 6, 4 bener. 4 dari 6.

Ini kubus. Kira-kira dari 4 ini yang mana yang bisa bikin kubus? ... Sip! Ini masih oke! ... 

Gambar ini copy di sini ya! ... Ini masih bagus ya untuk visual cognitive-nya ya... Sekarang tes berikutnya. Ada attention sama memorinya. ... Cepet nih! Bagus kok... Masih sangat teliti. ... Gambar yang di pantai, yang ngga ada. ... Ini ada shapes-nya yaa... Sebanyak-banyaknya yaaa... Liat ada berapa kotak, kotaknya ada di mana aja... Sadis amat? Hahahaha! ... Di mana tadi dan gambar apa? ... Terus ada apa lagi? ... Salah banyak nih hahaha! Lokasi, letak sama bendanya ya... 

Kalau kita punya 2 roda begini, roda yang besar ini kita putar ke sebelah kanan, akan kemana arah roda yang kecil? ... Logika masih oke ya!

Gambar yang tadi yaaa...! ... Ini ada konsep. Logika juga. Saya ngga ngomong ya! ... Konsep ok, logika juga bagus. Untuk rasionalitasnya masih bagus. 

Terakhir... Yang cocok untuk mengisi kotak ini, yang mana? ... Saya tunjukkan gambar ya... Diinget-inget ya bu gambarnya apa... ... Saya minta ibu sebut sebanyak-banyaknya nama-nama sayur. Saya kasih 1 menit. ... 9, minimum 11. 

Gambar yang tadi saya tunjukkan ke Ibu, ada 4. Sebutin nama gambarnya apa. Tepat sebelum sayur. ... 3 lagi? ... 

Paling keliatan jelas yang lokasi ya.. Ibu kan kebetulan artis. Bisa gambar. Tapi kali ini bukan untuk estetik! Jadi sekarang, masuk ke dapur, liat sebentar, gambar. Ini dimana, ini dimana. Sebelah kanan, depan, belakang. ... Saya senang tes ini karena bukan score yang penting. Tapi apa yang kurang baik, kita coba latih bagaimana. ... Ini yang nggak pakai bahasa. Ini tesnya dari Singapore. Ini lebih ke visual. Kita liat ibu perlu latihan lebih ke visual. Kita perlu latih ke situ sih... ... Ngeliat tapi terus hanya inget sebagian dari komponen yang dilihat... Sama lokasi yang paling jelas... Udah beberapa kali diulang masih salah. 

(Soal jam) Ini ya heheh... Karena masalah kena infeksi itu... Fungsinya kan belum pulih normal. ... Bisa sama, progresif atau... Getting worse. That's how our brain works. Jadi kalo kita kena luka, cedera, dia bisa membaik kan ya... Kaya kulit bisa sembuh lagi. Tapi bisa jadi sembuhnya ada parut. Tapi bisa jadi dia ngga sembuh bener malah tambah TUA! Jadi keriput. 1 karena ada proses aging-nya, 1 karena masih ada seizure-nya. Jadi kaya dia mau sembuh, begitu dia seizure dia jelek lagi. ... Jadi worse, iya... 

Ibu harus tes memori lagi. Harusnya kita tes ulang sih... Obatnya karena seizure-nya masih lumayan sering, dosis obatnya kita coba adjust lagi. Tegretol saya mau naikin 3x. 1 macem aja. Karena Tegretol paling efektif buat ngontrol kejangnya. Kalo Tegretol naik udah membaik, justru Keppra mau saya turunin. ... Minum obat pas puasa, sahur, buka puasa dan sebelum tidur. Setuju.

Oke kalau aman-aman aja sih kita ketemu 3 bulan lagi ya buuu..! Jadi bulan Juli. Resep sudah saya bikin bisa diulang sampai 3x. ... Aman-aman tuh kejangnya ngga tambah hebat atau malah ada gejala lain. ... Kalau seizure lebih dari 1x (yang parah) ke dokter, observasi. 

Nanti di rumah gambar jam yaaa! Yang susah tuh 1:45, 11:10, 2:30. ..."

 

Eighteenth

Since we've spent the night making rhyme, 

Continuing it today should be sublime. 

18 years of ups with downs is no crime, 

Consider it like sparkling water with lil bit of lime. 

Fresh and chilled and served in our prime, 

Now let's add more US rather than I'M. 

More patience and love, let's fill our home with joyful chime. 

May the adventure last forever, exciting for a lifetime.

 

HAPPY 18th ANNIVERSARY, YOU 😘

WORLD ENCEPHALITIS DAY 2022

Today is World Encephalitis Day

Please wear something red today, on February 22nd 

to raise awareness for this deadly thief of disease. 

Check out the brilliant The Encephalitis Society for info and ways to help and see the world going #red4WED. 

Be happy, be grateful, be kind and believe us!

And so God willing, you shall be healthy, inside and out.

Sending my love from Indonesia 

to all AE Warriors

all around the world!

Doc. Rocksy Menjelaskan:

4 hours in the hospital. Not bad. Considering... At 9am I met my beloved doctor. As cheerful as one could be, she greeted me with a loud "Gimana kabarnya?" the second I entered her room 😊 The session started serious after I replied with an answer "Not so good..." 

doc. Rocksy: 

"Infeksi saluran cerna tuh! ... 90% mengandung salmonela tuh! ... Kejangnya seminggu sekali ya? Bentuknya juga ringan-ringan ya? ... Tapi mukanya seger ko! Ngga sampe dehidrasi. ... Hari ini ada waktu buat cek lab ya? ... Masih aktif nih... Ususnya masih bergejolak nih... Ke lab dulu, nanti 1 jam lagi balik lagi ke sini ya! ... Ke lantai 2, turun lift ya terus ke kiri. Langsung ke sini. 1 jam kemudian."

And so I went to the lab. Sadly to say the lab was pretty full. Why sad? Well the fact that the lab was full which means... I don't know... A lot of people are...sick? Anyway... While I was waiting for my turn I had to sit between 2 men who wouldn't stop fidgeting their legs. I felt like there was an earthquake coming. So annoying to see and feel 😑 After taking the blood test it turned out I had to wait for 2 HOURS for the result. I thought about calling Ari so I could sleep in the car while he's driving around the block. But then I thought maybe I should get a decent meal in Mandarin Chicken Rice and just wait there. So I just hung around, read a book, tweeted about this and that... I thought about netflixing but it was too loud and distracting. Most importantly I made sure to take notes about what to tell to my doc. About the phantosmia, about the swaying-flying feeling, the dejavus, the mild seizures, the random memories... Anyway 2 hours-ish passed by. So I went back to see my doc and she read my blood test result on her computer.

doc. Rocksy:

"Garamnya rendah, sama kaliumnya rendah ya! Harus diganti secepatnya. Fungsi livernya aman, elektrolitnya ngga jelek-jelek banget... Keringet dingin itu dari infeksi saluran pencernaan tuh... Bukan ke arah tifes, apa salmonela, segala macem gitu, bukan. Makan yang bener dan ganti cairannya. ... 2-3 hari ini makan yang lembut aja. Jangan yang keras-keras kaya daging dulu sama yang pedes-pedes. Biar istirahat dulu ususnya. Tadi saya denger kan masih ocok-ocok-ocok. Masih begitu gitu kan?! ... 

Kalo memorinya gimana? Udah lebih enak belum? ... Ngga ya? 😅 Di satu sisi kita memang udah mulai aging kan... Jadi ngga pake sakit juga emang udah mulai lupa-lupa sih biasanya... Di atas 40 kan... 😄 ... Apalagi yang dirasa tambah parah? ... Lagi...banyak pikiran? Hmmm... Kaya tadi ke lab ngga nyasar? Ke kamar mayat... Atau ke lantai 10 ya 😁 Padahal kemana-mana ya! Sukses balik lagi ke sini. ... 

Sebetulnya kan memang kalo kasusnya Farika kan harusnya sih teorinya dia stop ya... Ngga tambah parah. Harusnya malah membaik. Gitu kan... Tapi kadang-kadang memang ada sisa. Nah sisanya ini kadang-kadang bisa balik, kadang-kadang ngga bisa balik. Tapi tetep selama kita masih hidup kan sel-sel di otak itu tumbuh. Apalagi semakin dilatih, semakin tumbuh. Harusnya memang kalo banyak dilatih, banyak dipake, fungsinya akan baik. Ngga usah khawatir. Kalo pun lupa pokonya latih aja terus! Nanti suatu waktu pasti bisa! Tuh kaya sekarang kan ngga nyasar lagi 😄

Untuk kejangnya... Jujur saya kalo ensefalitis itu memang ngga bisa ditebak. ... Ngga ada pola sama sekali ya? Kalo ada polanya enak bisa dicegah ya, kita bisa waspada. ... Gampang kebangun? Dari segi stress ngga? Kan kalo pandemi gini kan bikin kita jadi ngga mobilisasi. Terus ngga ketemu orang. Nah itu kadang ada stress-stress di bawah sadar tuh... (Soal orangtua) Lebih sedih kalo ngga dateng, betul... Kalo seneng malah imun ya malah bagus imunnya 😁 ... Yang pasti tidurnya ngga bagus ya... Tegretol bikin ngantuk ngga? Beberapa pasien soalnya bilang gitu... Keppra juga ngga punya efek ya? Cuaca panas atau dingin, ngga mempengaruhi juga? ... Nanti coba lebih dilihat lagi catatannya ya? Kira-kira apa yang bisa dilihat. Tapi kalo ngga tau juga ya udah ngga usah dipikirin lah 😄 Daripada kita malah jadi bingung sendiri ya! ... Ada tuh pasien saya ensefalitis umur 3 tahun sekarang udah 5 tahun. Masih kejang sebulan sekali 2x. ... Tapi sekarang dia bilang ngga tau deh dok kenapa dok! 😁 Tapi dia kejangnya ngga lama, nengok ke kiri sedetik selesai. ... 

Ngga sampe sakit banget kepalanya? ... Oh? Minum obat? ... Riklona boleh dipake kalo ngga bisa tidur. Kalo pas lagi jelek banget tidurnya. Kalo cuma semalem ngga bisa tidur ngga usah diminum. Tapi kalo udah 2 malem nih ngga bisa tidur minum aja. 1/2 tablet. ... Sip! Kalo aman-aman kita ketemu April? Bisa? Foto? Boleh 😁" 

To A Great Year Ahead

 

Project Kukka Denta

It was just another weekend when Kukka and I had a conversation about our plans during school holiday. Then we had a deal that when the holiday started and Bapa said "OK!", we would visit an Orthodontist to get Kukka's teeth fixed. After spending lots of time on Google and asking lots of friends, I finally made a decision which ortho to visit. The Kakas, Namira and Alyna, were the one who told me about drg. Ardiny Andriani, Sp.Ort in Klinik Denta. So I told SiBapa about it, called Klinik Denta and long story short, I made an appointment for Kukka. From the very beginning Kukka was... Well... She's just pretty cool about the whole thing. I told her about my experience when I wore braces very long time ago. I said that it would hurt but that it would be worth it. And that tomorrow we would just have a talk with the ortho.

And so Kukka and I met drg. Dini on Wednesday. Like The Kakas said, she's very nice. drg. Dini also explained things very clear and most importantly, I didn't forget to record the whole thing! 😆 Kukka was happy and proud when drg. Dini said that her teeth are in good condition. Meanwhile I was surprised that Kukka's case is not considered as a tough one. Her case is...totally...normal! No tooth need to be pulled out and that it will take only 1.5 years for Kukka's teeth to be perfectly aligned. So I asked what the next step was and what or where did Kukka has to go or do. In her fully covered body with post apocalyptic-like costume drg. Dini said "Sekarang bisa." Kukka and I were like... 😳😳 

Things certainly have changed like A LOT since... 1997? I think that was the year when I got my teeth fixed. Sadly not by an ortho so the result is not very good. It turns out nowadays you don't have to get your jaw scanned in... Oh I don't know! A lab??? You don't have to get your whole teeth...casted? All you have to do is visit an obviously good orthodontist, sit down nicely, open your mouth widely and be patient 😆 The procedure lasted from 12pm - 3pm. I was there the whole time. I asked a lot of questions because... Well like I said! Things certainly have changed since 1997 😂 While Kukka was busy with drg. Dini I chatted with SiBapa and sent him some pictures. He was also shocked when I said that the procedure would be done right away. The cost was also a big topic of our conversation since it was certainly not cheap 😂 But alhamdullillah alles ist gut 😊

Around 3pm the project was finished. Kukka kept saying that it didn't hurt at all. drg. Dini and I reminded her that the pain WOULD come probably later on at night or the day after. Before we went home drg. Dini explained about lots of things. I told Kukka to pay extra attention when drg. Dini explained about how to brush the teeth and how to change the rubber bands. Later on we said goodbyes and make sure that we will see each other again next month. I "warned" drg. Dini that I might text her lots of questions and she was totally okay about it. Alhamdulillah.

The minute we got home Kukka showed off her teeth to the maids who were very shocked and to Moochi who didn't care at all 😂 Kukka also sent a selfie to her dad and her beloved Uncle Ferry ☺️ Around dinner time Kukka said that it started to hurt. "Heheh... I know baby... I know..." so I kept saying that while hugging and kissing her again and again. I told Kukka that if the pain was unbearable drg. Dini said it's okay to take Panadol. But, as I predicted, my girl only complained like a couple of times and didn't shed a tear 😊 Her dad is more of a whiner than she is 🤪 Body's aching here and there from fitness session, he whines the entire day and demands our full attentions 🤣 Meanwhile his daughter keeps it to herself most of the time. I know how painful it is. I do remember. Although drg. Dini said thanks to the newest technology wearing braces is not as painful as it used to be. But it still hurts... My girl was more emotional when she had to change the rubber band. It was a bit difficult. I could hear how pissed off she was when she lost 1 rubber in the bathroom because it...snapped away? 😂 I offered her my help but she wanted to do it by herself. Perfect. It's been a long tiring day and Bubu needed the rest 😉

And so is the story about Kukka and her first day wearing braces. Wish us luck! 😉