Girl Talk

Okay. Let me breath in for a while. Inhale. Exhale. Okay. People, the time has come when my daughter likes to ask me lots of questions that involves “grown-up stuff”. Yup. My daughter is 8 years old and she has a very curious mind. Being a very, very smart girl that she is, just like her Opa, Aki, Bapa and Ua Eza, it’s actually a no-brainer that she has a lot of questions in that super mind of hers. You see... Lately Kukka and I have been having conversations which she called "our girl talk". It usually starts with "Bubu, I have a question. But don't tell anyone! This is just for you and me. Our girl talk." And then we shake hands. So, you see. The conversations are top secret :) What I can share to you is that my precious girl's questions are difficult ones. Difficult as in... Well... If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'd know that months ago I had to explain to Kukka about animals mating. It was...quite challenging. And hilarious! The convo occurred because of the “drama” that happened between Blob-Blob and Fluffy. Check out my previous posting if you want to know. 

Then there was this one night, during our usual bedtime convo, Kukka asked me questions that made my eyes got wide, my jaws dropped and finally... The questions made me laugh. Yes. I laughed so hard while hugging her. I must confess though. I was hugging Kukka because I was buying some time to figure out what and how to answer her questions. I was and still am not ready for this. I mean... Come on?!?!?!? 8 years old?? I thought I still have 10 more years to have that kind of conversation with her. But apparently not with kids nowadays. Especially with a very smart and super curious child like mine. Objectively speaking of course. #proudmother 

Now... Because of her challenging questions, whenever Kukka gives me a question that I can't answer (right away), I ask her to give me some time. Afterwards I'll be googling like crazy. I'll also ask my closest friends how to explain to Kukka the correct answer, in the most decent and age-appropriate way. Why? Because I don't want to be a parent who just gives an answer without even thinking how it would later impact my kid. The way Kukka thinks, how she behaves, how she treats other people and so on... I believe it depends on how my husband and I show, teach or explain things to her. Kids nowadays are way more curious. I should be grateful that Kukka comes to me and asks me personally whenever she needs/wants an answer or any kind of information. Many kids search for answers by themselves and lots of them are...misinformed. Why and how? Google and cellphones. Yup. I just found out that many kids are allowed to use cellphones...without adult supervision. And on school days too! Kukka? Weekends and holidays only. Youtube kids channels only on certain hours. Instagram: pictures edited and uploaded by SiBubu, messages/chatting read and personally replied by Kukka only on holidays and weekends. Obviously, EVERYTHING, EVERYDAY is under SiBubu's supervision. Strict? Maybe. But I think it's very important and necessary.

Anyways... I use this moment... This phase... As an opportunity to tell Kukka that she can come to me ANYTIME, to talk and to ask me about ANYTHING. Absolutely anything. No limits. That it’s better for her to come to me than to anybody else. And that there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. So does she? Come to me and ask me about stuff since then? Oooooooh you bet she does!!! :)))) Like what? Oh sorry, guys! TOP SECRET. But if I could give you some examples... Last night Kukka asked me what does *this* mean (*middle finger*) and what does the F word mean. I was shocked. Obviously. But I tried to calm down. Then like always, first I asked her where did she see/hear it. She didn't want to tell me (My daughter is not a rat/squeal. Noted.). She just answered "Somebody said it at school. Just somebody. Not to me. Don't worry, Bubu." Later on, after doing some very, very careful thinking and choosing the proper words, I explained it to Kukka. This is just one example. There are so many comments and questions from Kukka that I can't write them down here :) But one last thing that I can share to you is my feelings.

The feeling of being a very, very grateful person. The feeling of being a very, very proud mom. The feeling of being a very, very happy parent. For having the honor to be the mother of such a beautiful, smart and precious human being whom I can call:
 

"MY DAUGHTER".

Bring it on, 2017!

As I’m writing this post, it’s already 00:32 in January 1st 2017. I’ve just realized that I didn’t write anything in December 2016. My last posting was November 24th. That’s not good. Not for me. It’s like I’m losing the only thing that I love to do, which is writing/blogging. I’m not sure why. It’s not like that nothing interesting is happening. But if you ask me now “What-Where-Why-Who-How”... Mmm... I can’t answer it. I have to cheat first by checking out my twitter, instagram and path accounts. #LOL. But what I do remember is that...

My health is getting steadier if not better. Partly because my awesome doctor has figured it out why and when I would get seizures. So yes, my seizure is now “controllable”. And also my appetite. The new pills don’t make me want to eat like every second. All I have to do is taking my pills on time, get enough rest and no stress. Yes. The last part sounds awfully cliché. But it’s true. Because as far as I can remember, the second I worry or overthink about something, my body starts to shiver, my hands shaking and that annoying nausea starts to attack my tummy. And don’t get me started with that awful and strange headache. It’s not just about the pain. It’s that disturbing...feeling of being there and nowhere. You can’t make up your mind what to think, where to be or what to say. You know those swirly scenes in the movies when a person falls into a limbo? When a person just kind of floats around in the middle of nowhere, along with lots of stuff like chairs, tables, books, cats, glasses etc? Yup. That’s how it feels like. No matter how hard you want it to stop, no matter how much you want to...”land”, you can’t. That’s how it feels like. But yes. Now I can control it much better than before.

Besides getting much needed rest, I also try not to give a lot of shit about things that are...shitty anymore :)) I’m trying. But like I said many times before. This illness of mine is some kind of a hidden blessing. Why? Because there are a lot of shitty, sad and awful things that I don’t/can’t remember!!! So yes. It’s not that I don’t want to think about it. It’s because I CAN’T!!! #LMAO Now if that is not a blessing, I don’t know what that is. Hmmm... What else? Oh yeah! I just remember that on January 2016 I did blog about making resolutions! Okay let me check them out. Oh and please do notice that striking one resolution out doesn’t mean that I did it and then stop doing it. It could mean that I already did it and I have to keep doing it and be even better. So let’s see:

Love.
Smile.
Rest!!!
Forgive.
Apologize.
Exercise!!!!!!!
Make it happen.
Write every day!!!
Be brave. Speak up.
Judge less, help more.
Spend time with Kukka.
Shit happens. So what!??!
Accept my flaws. And others.
Listen to my body, soul and heart.
Meet my friends in real life more often.
Make lots of phone calls. Use less chat apps.
Embrace my old self. Yes. The fun part that is.
Do whatever makes me happy. Yup! WHATEVER.
Do crazy things sometimes, or often, IS necessary.
If shit happens, sit back and relax. Let life do its magic.
Make new friends, stay in contact with old ones and maintain.
Haters can kiss my ass. Lovers do come, let’s smooch and hug.
Never lie to my daughter. Teach her to accept the truth instead.
Read, remember, read again, recall and actually do all the #frikis2016, which now changes into #frikis2017

Any changes? Anything new to add? Hmm... Let me see...

Laugh!!!
Dress up!
Be more confident.
Cook (almost) every day.
More girl talk with Kukka!!!
Lose weight!!! At least 10 kilos!!!
Embrace my old self but less crazy!!!
Talk to Kukka in Bahasa Indonesia & German.
Don’t push myself too hard to remember the past.
Create better, healthier and more awesome future instead!!! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!! :)

What’s Your Story?

There’s a saying that there’s a story behind every person. That there is a reason why a person is the way he or she is. Do you agree? I mean, can’t a person be just the way she has always been? Because she is just born that way?

For example this woman, who... Oh I don’t know... Laughing (too) loud in a crowd... Dressing up too much, too weird, too short, too tight, too bright, too gloomy, too sexy... Or being disturbingly flirty to the men who are already taken or basically to everybody. Why does she constantly seek attention from others? What is her reason to be a cheater? Is it because she doesn’t or never get enough affection from the person who supposed to love her? Like her parents? Her husband? Her children? Her friends? Anybody?

Or a man who keeps sending lame jokes, inappropriate pictures or whatever to chat groups like almost all the time. Out of the blue!!! Is this man trying to prove to others that he’s the funniest, the coolest or whatever? Could it be that it’s because he doesn’t get enough attention? Or is he waiting for recognition from anybody at all? Why? Because he is THAT lonely? He feels THAT unappreciated? So he’s looking for it from the replies of the people in the group, RANDOMLY?

There’s this person I know who is always trying to look tough by talking, behaving and looking “rough”. Why does he have to be like that? Turns out it’s because all his life he has to be the “protector” of his family. Because his father is long gone, he has to be “the man” of the house. He couldn’t afford to look soft. Although deep inside he is a cry baby. That's his story.

Then again... It doesn’t always have to be bad things that are happening. It could also be good ones. Like... There’s this another guy I know. All his life he’s done good things. To his family, to his friends, to anybody that he met for all I know. Why is he being so nice? What is his story? Unfortunately I don’t remember much but I do remember that his early life was tough and his mother is his hero. She taught him to be nice, work hard and do good things. He listened. And now he has a good life. The kind of life that he deserves. 

So... Is there always a story behind somebody’s action? I’m wondering because lately there are lots of incidents that I just can’t understand why they are happening in the first place. How could it happened and why? How could anyone do this? Why did she do it? Is it something that she has done before? What is the reason for her to do this and that? Is it some kind of a punishment? Or even a reward????  

Anyways, how is your story doing so far? In what chapter are you now? The exciting one? The sad one? The boring one? Me? As my friend, you would know that I'm currently in my mind-blowing episode. Pun intended! :)) Well... Whichever chapter you are now, I wish that your story is going great, has more seasons than Game of Thrones and it will have a very happy and blissful ending. Amen. :)

 

Sunday

Yesterday was Saturday. It was a very nice day. I woke up in a good shape and in a good mood. Probably because after I took my morning pills, it was easy for me to go back to sleep again. Hence the good mood and fresh feeling. So fresh I decided to start cooking not long after I woke up. The menu was Homemade Carrot Cheese and Chicken Nuggets! Yes. Homemade. It was fun to make and turned out to be quite delicious. How do I know the nuggets were delicious? Because my precious Godsend ate 12 of them in 1 go. Yes. 12. And the nuggets were quite big. Bigger than the ones you find in the supermarkets. Watching Kukka eating my homemade nuggets amazed me. And happy, of course. The tiredness from doing those cutting, chopping, shaping and everything just paid off. And of course, she finished the veggies too. While keeping her company during lunch, I asked Kukka what she wanted to do or where to go today. With a big grin she answered “PIM!”. Specifically. I asked why PIM. She just answered “Because I want to.” Okay. :))

So yes, we went to PIM. Just the two of us because SiBapa had to go to work. When we arrived in PIM, as predicted, it was... F U L L. I was like “Ugh...!”. I really wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but PIM. On Saturday. But I saw Kukka’s happy face. She was so happy and looked very excited. She held my hands and led me the way. Of course. Toys City. The toy store was so crowded and loud. Along the way I reminded Kukka that she was not allowed to buy anymore toys because she already bought a giant Shark and a bunny from Ikea the day before. She just nodded but still she practically dragged me to a specific section in the toy store. And there they were. Pokemon cards. I was like WHAT??????? I asked “So you want to go to PIM just because of these cards???? You want me to buy you these cards????” Kukka picked one pack of cards and with her super cute face and super sweet voice she begged “Please, Bubu... Can I buy this one? Pleeeeeeeeeease??? All of my friends have Pokemon cards. I’m the only one who don’t have them. So when they talk about the cards, I can’t join them and I don’t understand. Because I don’t have the cards. So pleeeeeeease can I just have this one???? Please please please? It’s just one pack and it’s the small one. Not the big one. The mba said it costs 55.000. Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I will be very happy if you buy me one.”

Now. Tell me how a mother could resist such a sweet and polite request from her super cute angelic-looking daughter? And she had a reason too. A good but quite saddening reason. I didn’t know that peer pressure already comes at this stage, 3rd grade. So yes, I bought her a small pack of Pokemon cards. Kukka was very, very happy. I could see the happiness and excitement on her face more than that day when her Bapa bought her a bicycle :)) Afterwards we went to have dinner. Like always, she picked a Japanese restaurant. The restaurant was so full but we were lucky. There was a table for two. While waiting for our dinner to come, Kukka opened the cards and explained them to me one-by-one. To be honest, I didn’t understand it at all. But I went along and asked her questions about them. Then while we were having our dinner, we had our usual girl talk. I asked Kukka if she and her beloved Bapa have secrets that I don’t know about. She answered yes. I said good. It means that she and I could have our secrets too that Bapa doesn’t have to know about. She said yes and we laughed so loud and gave each other a high-five.

While we were having dinner, I had the chance to look around and see the people at the other tables. One thing I’ve noticed and it made me sad... I’ve noticed that maybe 95% of the guests at this restaurant were holding and concentrating on their cellphones. Most of the guests were families. Some with small kids, some with big ones. Some were probably husbands and wives, some maybe lovers. Almost all of them were so busy with their cellphones instead of talking to each other. Right next to our table there were a teenage girl and her mom. Both were busy with their cellphones. And because our tables were so close, I could practically see that they were chatting. Obviously not with each other. The mother who sat close to me? She was chatting via Whats app. Yes. The seats were THAT close. But not close enough for me to be able to read what she was typing :)) And then suddenly I felt so sad...

So this is what we have become... Instead of spending a nice time together, looking eye-to-eye, having coffee, sharing secrets and slices of cakes, people are having conversations with somebody who isn’t there AND ignoring the one who sits right in front of them. Nowadays lots of people would rather talk with others using chat apps instead with the ones who are actually sitting next to them. Or even worse, many use their cellphones to play games instead of having conversations... I don’t know... Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe deep down inside I AM an old soul, who would rather snuggle under a blanket together in silence than exchanging love messages via cellphones. I’d choose walking hand in hand anywhere over sending selfies from everywhere.

I don’t know... I’m just sad. Really sad and worried. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Well... I think you know exactly what you have. You just think that you'll never ever going to lose it...

Dear Kukka: Have fun!

So... I'm writing this after we finally got to talk over the phone, baby girl. For your information I've been waiting for that phone call since... Well... Since you got inside and sit on the bus this morning!

Yes, Kukka... I'm starting to miss and worry about you since the last time we waved goodbye to each other this morning. I still can picture your face on the bus window. I know you were excited to go camping with your friends and teachers. But somehow I also saw that sad-worry expression on your face. And your questions from last night? I remember them very well. Last night our pillow talk was more into QA session. You said "I'm so sad I'm going to leave you. What if you get a seizure and Bapa is not home yet? You're all alone at home..."

What have I done to deserve you? Such a loving and caring daughter. Maybe you can't understand this right now but someday... When you're older, when you have a family of your own, when you have children of your own, you'll understand. You will understand my feelings right now. They're all mixed up. I'm proud, I'm amazed, I'm happy and yes, I'm sad. I'm sad that you have to worry about me that much. I'm sad that you have to think about the bad "What if"s about me. I'm sad to see your worried face when you hugged me and said "Don't have a seizure!" before getting into the bus. I'm sad to hear your first question over the phone was "Are you okay, Bubu?" 

Alhamdulillah I've managed to assure you that I am okay. That you shouldn't worry about me. Yes, after dropping you off at school I did have a minor episode but I also took a very long and much needed nap. So now I am fine. Really! And you made me really happy when you finally started to tell me about your day so far. You said "I'm okay! I miss you too but I'm having so much fun! I'm catching animals and stuff! I catch worms, grasshoppers, fishes and stuff! I miss you, Bubu! Bye!"

3 minutes. Yes, the connection was bad but from your voice I could hear that you were not that interested in talking to me too long #LOL I totally understand, baby! I can't wait until tomorrow so I can shower you with hugs and kisses again until you say "Stop it, Bubu! Okay, that's enough!". I'm sure you have tons of fun right now and I'm so happy to know it. The latest photo I received is you and your friends were sitting by the bonfire, wearing raincoats and singing. So I guess it was...raining? And just now your teacher just informed the parents that you and your friends are already in your tents and ready to go to sleep. 

Well, good night, my precious Godsend... Sweet dreams. We'll see each other again tomorrow, okay? Kisses. 

 

Dear Kukka: Animals Don’t Get Married

Dear baby girl... First of all I want to say sorry for writing this story down and published it in my blog but... I just have to. Why? Because like always, whenever it comes to you and your questions are hilarious and cute. So I really want to write it down. So this is what just happened about 15 minutes ago:

You just came home from school and got out of the car. You hadn’t even went inside the house yet and gave me a hug. Why? Because you saw Blob-Blob and Fluffy The Stray Cats in our garden and you noticed them chasing each other. You were really worried. You were afraid that Blob-Blob might hurt Fluffy. So you kept following them and tried to separate them when they were fighting in front of our neighbor’s house. I could hear you from our living room how you scolded Blob-Blob for chasing and scratching Fluffy #LOL But then suddenly I heard you crying. First I thought you cried because Blob-Blob hurt Fluffy. Then I went to the porch and saw you running while holding out your finger.

“Bubuuuuuuuuuuuu! Fluffy scratched my finger!!!!”, you cried and screamed. I’m sorry, baby but yes. When I heard you said that, I couldn’t help not to laugh a bit and smiled a lot. Then when I was washing and taking care of your wounded finger, you told me how it happened.

Kukka: “Blob-Blob was chasing Fluffy and he was going to bite Fluffy on the neck. I said “No, Blob-Blob! Don’t hurt Fluffy! Be nice!” And then I was going to separate them but then Fluffy scratched meeeeee!”

This is when I couldn’t help NOT TO LAUGH. So while hugging you and blowing your wounded finger to make it feel better, I tried to explain why Blob-Blob did what he did to Fluffy. I said maybe they were mating. Mating, you asked. Woops. I just remember how much of a curious girl you are. So yeah... Now I had to explain to you what mating is. I explained to you that mating for animals is like.........marrying for humans? So Blob-Blob and Fluffy were trying to make...kittens. #LOL And then I could see your eyes getting wider and at that second I knew I would get more questions from you. Difficult ones. Yup. My problem. I should’ve wait for Bapa and let HIM explaining all of this to you! So yeah, then your questions and comments kept on coming. These are the ones that I still remember:

Kukka: "Blob-Blob can’t marry Fluffy!!! He already got married to Lulu! He can’t do that to Lulu!! Lulu is his wife! Blob-Blob should be nice to Lulu and not get married with other cats! That doesn’t make any sense! That’s not right! If Blob-Blob is married to Lulu then he’s not allowed to be with other cats! He has to be only with Lulu!!!!”

I’m sorry, baby. But seriously. Your comments made me laugh sooooo loud! I was laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. Then I tried very hard to stop laughing because I could see it in your face that you weren’t amused. So after I succeeded to stop laughing and apologizing to you, I tried to tell you the possibilities of why Blob-Blob was “naughty” to Fluffy. Believe me, baby! I felt like a total fool when I was explaining this subject to you!!! But yeah, I did tell you that animals do not get married. They’re mating. They are not like us humans. Yes, when a man and a woman get married, they make a vow to ALLAH. So they have to be faithful to each other and not............get married with other man or woman. That’s why it’s called marriage. While animals, they are mating. Which means......they can change....partners. Which means it’s okay for Blob-Blob not to be faithful to Lulu. Oh god, I am laughing so hard right now in the living room as I’m typing these words!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Call me a foolish mother or whatever, but yes. Those were the words I’ve used when I tried to explain to you the difference between animals and humans, between marriage and mating. Hey, you didn’t give me time to google or whatever! So I did what I did. I said what I said. #LOL When Bapa comes home, ask him. He will give you a much better answer for sure. Anyways after that I could see that you were digesting my explanation and I knew you would comment about it. And yessir you sure did:

Kukka: “Oooooow okay! So if they’re animals it’s okay for a cat to be with other cat because they are not married. They are not husband and wife. But if humans, people, like us, like you and me and Bapa and other people, it’s not okay. Because it’s called marriage. ALLAH will be very angry if husband and wife did what Blob-Blob did to Lulu. Right, Bubu? Okay. Now I get it. But I still don’t understand why Blob-Blob did that to Fluffy. Because Fluffy is also a Blob-Blob's daughter. So he's mating with his daughter.”

WAKWAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!! Sorry, baby. I’ll be right back! #SiBubupassedout

How To Test A Best Friend

Friend. Everybody can be somebody’s friend. Well... Almost everybody. There’s always one or two...or three...or more...who is too much of an asshole to be anybody’s friend. That’s why if you DO have one who matches the definition above, keep him or her close. I consider myself as a very lucky person. I’ve been blessed with lots of friends and some who I can consider as my best ones. I already blogged about this here. Now how do I know which one are my best ones? The easiest way to find out is by seeing the ones who stick around when you hit rock bottom. Then it’s quite safe to say that they are your best friends. Yet there’s another way to test it. How?

Well, this is for those who are already married or at least have a girl/boyfriend. IDEALLY your best friend SHOULD like your partner and it goes the other way around. Right? And life would have been so peachy if they also become best friends. Right? Right?? Imagine how great it would be to spend time all together like eating out, going to the movies or just hanging out while enjoying some cups of coffee. Ah that would be so awesome... Right? Right??? 

Now.... What if....your partner AND your best friend DO NOT LIKE each other???? Even worse... What if they DESPISE one another!?!?! Aaaaaaaand get this!!! They are totally aware of this situation and they don’t even PRETEND to like each other! So yeah... There are (many) times when you have to choose one of them and/or you’ll be stuck in the middle. Not to mention the times when you have to hear them out trashing each other. Sometimes it’s funny. Other times it’s annoying. But yeah... It happens. 

And there's another situation. In this case the friendship involves a man and a woman. This test doesn't involve anybody else but the two of you. Yes. The classic "Can a man and a woman be just best friends" thing. In this scenario you and your friend like each other...too much. Both of you understand each other too well. In many cases it's like you can read each others' mind. You are best friends but... Yeah... Sometimes too much can be just....too damn much. And yes, again, both of you are totally aware of it. 

So this is when the test comes. If things are still normal... If nobody is being weird about anybody... If you still consider each other as friends, good friends, with no hard feelings whatsoever... And even if there is some, you’ll totally understand, you can talk about it to sort it out and in no time you are buddies again... Then I think it’s pretty safe to say that you ARE in fact BEST FRIENDS. So if you do have one or two, keep her/him close. Why? 

Because having a best friend makes your life more fun.  

Because talking to your best friend soothes your aching heart. 

Because being with your best friend creates more precious memories.

And most certainly, last but not least, because a true best friend is rare to find.

Trust me. I know.

Momentum

 noun | mo·men·tum | \mō-ˈmen-təm, mə-\

: the strength or force that allows something to continue or
to grow stronger or faster as time passes

  

Someone who is very close to my heart recently reminded me that NOW is my MOMENTUM and that I need to ride on it. What he meant with now is me in my current state, physical and emotional. At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t even understand much about what the heck momentum is. But after spending a lot of time digesting about what he said to me, I started to get it...

Why did he say that now is my momentum? Well... I think all the drama that has happened and still happening in my life, health and personal life wise, is another way of how life is giving me clues that now is the time for me to keep on moving, to grow stronger. And it seems that health wise, I am getting better. As a matter of fact I do have less seizure attacks. At least now I can see the pattern or the causes of the seizures. It’s almost 95% certain I will have seizures when I’m physically or emotionally exhausted or in pain. As on the personal life wise... Now I also look and feel very much at ease and happier. Objectively speaking. Why? Well... I’m not so sure about this but maybe mostly it’s because I don’t remember my problems??? Does it make any sense at all? Well whatever it is, it's working! #LMAO And it's also because now I can see who my real friends and family are. They are those who still stand by my side, no matter what happens. They are those who are helping me to get through, or better yet, riding along on this exciting "episode" of my life... Not running away or even worse, blaming it.

Anyways... This momentum is supposed to help me to have a new and clear mind. My dear friend said imagine as if my brain/mind is a computer which is currently rebooting or defragging. Which...I guess it’s a good thing? #LOL With a “fresh” mind, I’ve been given a chance to start thinking about things differently, to have a different perspective, to be better from every angle, to be more mature, to act wiser and most importantly: to be stronger, physically and emotionally. And I think... I sure hope... I'm getting there. 

Recently once or twice, my friend said to me that whenever we spend some time together, he doesn’t see anything different in me. He said he still sees me as the Farika he knows for 25 years. Yes. That’s how long our friendship has been. For 25 years our relationship has been on and off. There are cycles in our friendship. Meaning there are moments when we didn’t have any contacts at all. But the second we do have communication with each other, it’s always intense. So I guess it’s pretty safe to trust his judgement about me because he does know me very well. Too well actually. So when my friend says he sees nothing different in me, it means that I'm back in the game, people! Even better! I'm riding on my momentum. But most importantly it also means that my defragmentation is complete!!!  

Now can I get an amen??? #LOL 

Dear Kukka: Happy 8th Birthday!!!

Excuse me but can you tell me again how old you are now??? You are eight years old??? Are you sure, baby?????? I mean... 8????? I’m sorry but I’m having a very hard time to believe it. I know, I know. I say that every year but... Come on!!! EIGHT????? 8???????????????? This year we celebrated your birthday at Oakwood Premier Cozmo Jakarta. I think this is going to be our usual place to celebrate our special occasions. Why? Well... Because so far it has everything we want. Nice place and good food. That’s it. 

Anyways, there was an extra happiness going on this year. Uncle Ferry had spent 2 nights at our home before and that event alone had already made you, made US, very very happy. You had a great time playing with Uncle Ferry, Bapa had a partner to play his favorite online game and I? I had the chance to see two of my beloved people, my baby brother and my baby girl, snuggled up and snoring together from night until the next afternoon. Too bad Uncle Ferry couldn’t be there on your birthday morning. But at least you guys had a great swimming time together before he went home. And I had a superb quality time with your beloved uncle. We've shared moments that we'd probably very difficult to repeat... Especially when he's going back to his campus. Let's just hope he'll finish his study very soon so he can be with us again.

Now about your birthday... Bapa, you and me. No fancy party, no fuss, just us. You were very excited when you found out that we were going to spend a night at a hotel. We could’ve spent more days but Bapa had to go to Bandung to attend his high school reunion. Anyways, the minute you set your feet inside the hotel building, you were very excited. And on your birthday morning... When Bapa and I woke you up and sang you Happy Birthday... You were so surprised. Even though we only brought you a cheese quiche from Starbucks, decorated with a single candle, your eyes sparkled and your smile was so wide. You kept saying “This is the best birthday ever! You are the best parents! I love you!” And then you hugged and kissed me and Bapa. Now tell me!!! Which parents don't feel proud to have such a loving and grateful daughter?!

Dear Kukka, 

You are the most precious daughter parents could ever wished for. 

There's no day passes by without us thanking ALLAH SWT for giving you to us.

The most beautiful, smart, grateful and loving little girl. 

Our beloved Godsend... 

Our pretty Si Baiyi...

Surprise, Surprise!!!

Exactly at 00:00 I received a surprise from my babies. They brought me a chocolate birthday cake with a flickering candle and they sang Happy Birthday to me. What a surprise!!! My eyes were immediately teary...

After receiving birthday hugs and kisses from them, they gave a present, with two things inside. Cooking books!!! Hahahahaha! This was such a surprise!!!! One is called Indonesian Kitchen: 300 popular recipes across the archipelago and the other one is Fancy Cookies!!!!! I was laughing because I didn’t expect these and I also was laughing and got teary eyes because.... I mean... Cooking books???????? Does my husband really think that my cooking is or can be THAT GOOD?????? Hahahahahaha!!!! I’ve been cooking him home made food lately and so far my husband likes my cooking. Since then he’s been encouraging me to cook even more often. But I never thought he would think that I could be this good #LOL I mean, come one!!!! Indonesian recipe book??? Indonesian dishes are probably the most difficult ones to cook! But I guess Hubster has that much confidence in me, eh?! After having some birthday cakes we went to bed. And.....................................

When I woke up again this morning, I saw another surprise on the night stand beside me!!!! Oh my God I didn’t expect this at all!!!! I hugged and kissed my love ones and I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Because I was really, really surprised and also because of the writing on the envelope!!! I was too surprised and too excited to open the present. But then I finally did it. And.....................................................

I laughed again! So hard and even more surprised!!!! A rose gold iPhone 6 SE!!!! The exact type and color I’ve wanted!!! I’ve been whining about wanting this to my husband. I've even browsed about it on the website in front of him! But Hubster always scolded me and said that my current iPhone is still good enough. And that there’s no point of getting a new one, which is true. But now??? I have it in my hand!!! So THIS is the real deal!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! After all these years, my loved ones, especially the big one, can still surprise me.

My babies, thank you soooo much for everything yaaaa! 

Both of you make me really, really happy and feel blessed. 

Not only today, but always. 

And hopefully I can give both of you even more love and happiness in return. 

Kisses!

40

40 years I’ve been living and...man!!! What a life it has been! From the moment I was born to the second I typed the last word on this blogpost, 40 years later. 40 special years. Yes, friends. It's passed midnight. So I guess I could claim that today is  officially my 40th birthday. Horray. Does it feel special? Well... define “special”. 

Contrary to some people’s belief, if not the birthday celebration itself, I think at least you yourself have to believe that your life IS special. That what has happened to you is special. That YOU ARE special. Yes, other people experience the same or even worse things than you. So what??? It doesn’t mean you're not allowed to think that you are special. So do I think I’m special? Yes. I do. 

But this time I’m not feeling any kind of... Hype. It’s a special day but there’s no excitement. It feels like... Another year has just passed by. It’s kind of sad, actually. Since I think I’ve always feel excited when it comes to celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But not this time. Does it have to do with being 40? 

Talking about special. I think considering that you yourself are special has significant effects. And to me personally it has 2 different meanings and effects. Special in a good way and in a bad way. The bad way is that I feel especially less. Worthless. Unlucky. Miserable. Lost. Unattractive. Clingy. Unworthy. Vengeful. Unwanted. I also feel that 40 years has passed just like that. In fact, in some ways I feel like my life is going back and forth. That it has a certain cycle. And this time I’m currently at the bottom. Or not?

Then again... Being 40, after all the drama I’ve been through and some are still on going, ALLAH SWT. has given me another chance to live. Not everybody is as lucky as me. I do believe that. So I think it’s pretty safe to say that I AM SPECIAL. Which means I’m also currently... at the top? Confused? Tell me about it!!!!!!

And also that at this age I have a healthy and smart 7 year old daughter whom I love to the moon and back. And she loves me too. Very much. That’s what she keeps telling me everyday. While hugging and kissing me. So... I MUST BE SPECIAL to have earned this honor and responsibility to take care of such a beautiful human being from ALLAH SWT. And with all the ups and downs that every human being has and will go through, I'm still here. Surviving. No. Enjoying.  

And the list goes on and on and it turns out there are too many things to mention. Good... No. Great things. But the bottom line is this: 

I am special. 

And I'm thanking you for making me feel this way. 

Yes, you. 

And YOU, of course. 
My Great and Almighty. 

Thank You.

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 

I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 

No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 

Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 

Always. 

Hello, Old Me

Long time no see... 

I guess life finally hits you, eh?

What makes you decide to come back? 

Is it time? Reality? Happiness? Or heartache? 

So now that you realize that being yourself is the best way, what is it that you will do exactly? Do keep in mind that certain things have changed for the best. It means follow your intuition and passion but always remember that your actions will turn into a chain of events. Which certainly will in some ways affect your most precious one. And then one day or even sooner, your Godsend will ask you where, when, who, what and why. And by that time, you better have the answers already. 

While you’re preparing for the correct and truthful answers, do enjoy life. With your loving family, your faithful friends and most importantly, with yourself. Because of all people, you should be the one who knows best that... Well... Life is too precious and too short to spend by being somebody but yourself. Remember that you don’t have to be in a clique to feel good. You don’t have to dress or be someplace that you don’t like. You don’t have to own things just because the others have it. You just have to be you. Because once you fill it with the wrong things and the wrong people, it will not be very easy to detached yourself. To hell with others. Yup. You just said “to hell”. Or in german you’d say “Die andere kann doch scheißen gehen.” Hah! Feels good to say it!

And there’s another thing to look forward to. Unpredictability. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Yesterday you were weeping on your bed because you felt so lonely. Today all of a sudden everybody wants to be with you. Then the day after suddenly you are with him and only him. Talking, snuggling, reminiscing and kissing until the sun sets and rises again. Who would’ve guess, right?!

Hey, Old Me! Do remember that the content of your heart is for you to keep. Yet don’t forget to open it up at the right moment for the right person to fill in the existing void. Because many times that void turns out to be pretty seductive. There’s always a possibility to be lost in it and many times it actually feels good. Those things that broke your heart to pieces? It seems that they just vanished! Which will make you even more vulnerable and dangerous. Why?

Because along with it, your true self will start to fade away. 

Then after a while you will become this person you don't like and most sadly, 

somebody you used to hate. 

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

• to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
• to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
• to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
• to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
• to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
• to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 

Siblings Yearning

Alarm! Alarm!! Alarm!!! You might have read my last post Why This, Why That. The one about how intense my precious Godsend has been asking me about babies lately. How parents “make” them, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides the baby to be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, etc. Now Kukka’s questions have evolved into wishes, requests.

People, my beloved Godsend is officially on this stage where she wants to have a sibling. 2 to be exact!!! #SiBubufainting. I can’t remember how it started but  Kukka’s baby questions have turned into a specific demand. Almost every day Kukka tells me that she wants a sister and a brother. Yup. 2 siblings. #SiBubufaintingagain. She even has names already!!!! #LOL 

One day we had a convo more or less like this:

Kukka : So Bubu, you already have a daughter, me, right?!?

SiBubu : Yyyyeeeessss.... #worried.

Kukka : So if you had another child, it should be a boy, right? A son, which means he will be my baby brother. 

SiBubu : Mmmm...... Not necessarily...... What if ALLAH gives us a girl instead #stillworried.

Kukka : But if you do have a son, he will be my baby brother, right? What name will you give him?

SiBubu : ....................................Trent Reznor? 

Kukka : That’s your favorite singer!!! Cool! I love it! But it’s too long.

SiBubu : ...............................................Treznor?

Kukka : Hmmm..... Treznor Lawendatu. I love it!!! Now if ALLAH gives your next baby a girl, which makes her my sister, I will name her Kiki. No no! With a “q”. Qiqi. It's better. Is it a cool name??

SiBubu : .................Yes.... Very cool. 

So, ladies and gents, after having that convo, almost every day my daughter talks about Treznor and Qiqi #LOL. How she would love them, take care of them, share her toys with them, etc. When Kukka saw me giving away her old toys, she would say “No! That’s for Qiqi or Treznor! Don’t throw it away!”. When we stroll in the mall and Kukka sees something that she likes, she would say “Oh Treznor will love this!” or “I’m sure Qiqi wants this!”. Oh man!!! #LOL

Last night I finally asked Kukka why she would love to have a sibling that much. Her answer....and her expression broke my heart. Kukka said, with her sweet, super cute and please-give-me-what-I-want voice: 

“Because I’m lonely...”

I’ve shared Kukka’s latest request in my Twitter and Path accounts and most of my friends replied with funny comments. Aaaaaaaaaand all of them are on Kukka’s side!!! They said “Give Kukka a sister, Bubu!!!” or “Start making a sister and a brother for Kukka, Bapa and Bubu!!!” and so on and so on. All of the comments made me laughed so hard. I didn’t know what to say to her. Finally I said to Kukka that I don’t want another child. I only want her because I don’t want to share my love for her with another one. Then Kukka said:

“Don’t be selfish, Bubu. That’s not nice. 

You have to share. And you do want to make me happy, right?!?”

*Kukka pretending to hold her baby sister/brother*

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

SiBubu : Well..... Let me talk to Bapa, okay?

And that, ladies and gents, is how I got out of the conversation. At least for now!!! #LOL