Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day. It used to be special to me. Why? Because I’m that kind of person who love to celebrate stuff and make ceremonial things a big deal. Well... At least I used to... I think. But now? Not anymore. Nothing ceremonial seems/feels special anymore. New Years, Valentine’s Days, anniversaries... Even birthdays!!! I wonder why... Does it have to do with age? Does it have to do with someone? Does it have to do with my illness? Does it have to do with anything? 

I’ve been thinking... So this is how those people feel. Those who always rolled their eyes at me whenever they saw me running here and there, thinking hard and save money like crazy. Just because I wanted buy something extra special for someone special on special occasions. But now it doesn’t feel like that anymore and I can’t stop wondering why. No. This is not a big thing. It’s just weird. It’s just... So... Not... Me. 

I think it’s also sad because it feels like I'm losing something inside me, you know... Something special. It doesn’t mean that I love him/her/something less than before or that I'm losing a particular interest or a certain faith about certain things. Or that I’m less happy to be somewhere or to celebrate something with someone or many. It’s just... Nothing. And the saddest part about this is that Kukka couldn’t see or get the enthusiasm that I used to have about these kind of things. It’s like she’s missing quite a big chunk of the person I used to be. 

Way before Kukka was born, I would imagine that someday I would have a daughter and with her I would do a lot of fun and exciting things. One of those things is...this. Celebrating. I’ve imagined that the two of us would brainstorm like crazy to find the perfect birthday’s, anniversary's or Valentine’s present for our beloved SiBapa. I could totally picture the two of us arguing because each of us would think that our gift idea for SiBapa was better. “I understand him more than you.” or “I love him more than you.” would come up in those brainstorming sessions. Or the two of us would totally agree on something and excitedly prepare everything to be perfect. Just for our beloved SiBapa. Or for each other. But now? 

Ya ya ya! The part of me who likes to make a big deal of things like THIS is still here. That's for sure. Haha. But the other part? Did something happened? Something so bad it made a part of me gone just like that? Where is it? Where did it go? I think I want it back. I want ME back. The whole package. At least for me and for my girl. I miss the thrills. I miss the moments. I miss the chance to write about those special moments in my blog and in my personal diary. I just... I ..................................