Mom & Dad's Passing: 48 Days Later

January 2025. 

I needed 48 days to be able to write about this... It still feels like a dream. A neverending sad dream which makes me wake up in tears. Even to this day, seconds after I open my eyes... Every morning I often ask myself: is this real? Did it really happen? How can it be? Oh it's impossible! I must be having those kind of hallucinations! I have to snap out of it and try really hard to be present. I can do it! 

But then... The memories slowly crawl back in. And the pictures I have on my phone are proof that... Oh god how can I do this???? A couple of sentences and I'm already having a hard time looking at the monitor... My eyes are full of tears. Am I ever going to be ready or strong or whatever it is that people keep telling me... What's the word again? Oh yeah... IKHLAS. 

Yet again... How do you write when you're still drowning in tears? How do you find the right words to use and which to avoid? How do you pour your heart out when a huge chunk of it is shattered in pieces? How do you express grief using only the right words? How do you do anything at all when a person you love... Wait no! TWO! A couple you've loved all your life, have left you? How do you write about losing your beloved parents? 

On Friday, November 15th at 22:42 WIB my Mom passed away. Then on Friday, November 27th at 21:12 WIB, it was my Dad. He passed away exactly 2 weeks later.

Mom and Dad are gone. Forever. 

It all started when Mom got very sick mid 2024... Everything went downhill afterwards... I knew it was quite alarming and all but... Come on! She was going to be alright!!! I kept thinking oh it's just Mom being grumpy and spoiled. Always complaining about everything. But yes! She was going to be alright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom would never be in that certain state I've always afraid of... 

You see... Ever since I could remember I've always been afraid that something bad would happen to my Mom... Because... Well... For starters... Mom was older than my friends' mothers at school. She was probably the oldest. It always made me... Scared? Worried? Confused? The other mothers at school were still young. I think I was about 9 years old...? Which means Mom was in her 50s... I remember being worried that my mother would pass away very soon because she was old... It was silly. I know. But now.....????????????????????? 

Since the day Mom was submitted into the hospital I always kept my cellphone close. Teteh and Eza never stopped updating me about her condition. Complete with pictures and videos... Reading messages about Mom's latest state always made me felt... How do I say it? Alarmed? Because sadly Mom's condition kept getting worse... Those last couple of days were tough and tiring. I had seizures like 2-4 times a day. The seizures usually happened after I visited Mom. I tried to recite a couple of surahs next to her bed while holding her hand. But it was pretty tough... I choked most of the time because I couldn't stop crying... Because... Well I still cry the second I think of Mom... Or whenever I open our family Whatsapp group... 

And then there it was. Friday night.................. I still remember I never cried that hard in my life... I fell down on my knees and I wailed and wailed and wailed.... I almost lost my breath. Everything hurts. My chest. My head. My eyes. My mouth. My throat. Basically my whole body. But most of all: my heart. And when I arrived in Bogor the next day I saw Mom's body lying on the carpet... Covered with batik cloth. I was allowed to open it to see Mom's face. As long as I didn't drop any tears on her... But I just couldn't... I cried. Hard. Some people hugged me and said "Sabar ya..." and "I know." and many other things. Can't really remember who they were. Every sound seemed like unnecessary distortion. I felt suffocated. The last thing I remember was I decided not to come along to the cemetery because: 1. I might have another seizure and cause troubles. 2. I passed out on the living room carpet when people tried to put Mom's body in the ambulance. ........ So yeah............. I stayed.

I cried myself to sleep that night. And the nights after. Followed by lots of seizures. Plus I was worried about Dad whose health began to decline. Oh wait? Did I tell you that Dad was ALSO submitted in the hospital??? Yes. Mom was in RSUP Persahabatan Jakarta and Dad was in RS Ummi Bogor... Both were in a coma. Teteh, Eza and I tried our best to be with our parents as often as we could. But mostly it was Teteh and Eza... They made schedules who stayed with who and when... 

Those times I visited Dad after Mom passed away I felt... I don't know... I was terrified that his health might get even worse... Everytime I spent time with Dad, the sadness I felt was unbearable... I held his hand and recited a couple of surahs. I shared some secrets and asked "Are you listening, Dad? Are you holding my hand really tight because you're listening? Well... It's a secret okay? Don't tell anyone." Even in a coma Dad still managed to make me laugh. While telling Dad some stories I tried very hard not to mention anything about Mom. My Dad didn't know that the love of his life is gone... Or did he? 

Because 2 weeks later Daddy passed away... 2 WEEKS LATER!!!!! Ya ALLAH... It's like coming straight out of a romantic movie! A couple who made a pact to live and die together! I also found out that Mom and Dad actually went "grave shopping" together! I'm not sure whether I should be laughing or crying... I was like "Harus banget ya berduaan terus!"... And now here I am soaked in tears. Thinking about the couple who showered me with love since Day 1. If there's such thing as too much love, it was theirs for their children.

Everybody who knows me is very much aware of how much I love my family. Especially Mom and Dad. When I posted the news about their passing I was immediately showered by lots of love and supports. Encouraging words keep coming in even to this day! I guess my Dad was right. Despite of all the misfortunes one has in life, according to my Dad: "Hidup itu indah." We should always be grateful and enjoy every second of it. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me. I. KNOW. I guess the easiest way is to start by staying true and close to your loved ones. Make sure you leave each other the brightest smile even during the toughest times.

5 Things To Master In 2025

1. Accept the things I can and cannot change.

2. Smile because life is beautiful.

3. Patience attracts health and happiness.

4. Presence is the best present for others and myself.

5. Love is self explanatory.

Amen.

Happy New Year 2025

 

Enjoy Heaven Dad...

Friday, November 29th 2024

21:12 WIB

I love you Mom...

Friday, November 15th 2024

22:42 WIB

KinoFest 2024 - Festival Film Jerman

It started with me participating a quiz from Goethe Institut Jakarta to win a ticket to Opening Night of KinoFest 2024. The question was very simple: "Dalam ajang Academy Award ke-96, film Das Lehrerzimmer mendapatkan nominasi untuk kategori...?". I was like seriously? 😆 I immediately tweeted the answer and waited. It felt more like a gamble rather than a quiz 🤪 

On Tuesday, the 8th I received a message from Goethe Institut: "Selamat! Kamu terpilih untuk menerima undangan menghadiri pembukaan KinoFest pada Kamis, 10 Oktober 2024. Acara akan dimulai pukul 19:00 WIB di GoetheHaus Jakarta, Jl. Sam Ratulangi 9-15, Jakarta Pusat." I was like YEAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 I really wanted to watch Das Lehrerzimmer! Alhamdulillah after organizing what had to be organized at home (kiddo, house, Moochi etc) I went to Goethe 🙂

It was my first KinoFest. I didn't know what to expect. It was somewhat...confusing at first. Especially because I was there alone. I didn't know anybody 🤷🏻‍♀️ While the guests I saw came either in couples or groups. But being alone in public has never been a problem for me. So yeah... Alles gut 😀 After a couple of opening speeches the movie finally started.

I enjoyed every minute of Das Lehrerzimmer or The Teacher's Lounge 😉🤩 It's funny, exciting, sad, annoying, felt like a light movie to watch when it actually has heavy subjects... I'm not trying to be a movie critic here but yes! Das Lehrerzimmer is totally worth the hype 😃 The end scene almost made me laugh outloud and scream "ALRIIIIIGHT!" 😂 I don't want to give any spoilers. Because if you do have the opportunity to watch this movie, watch! Best with your kid. Or students! 😃 

Then it was time to enjoy dinner and... Well.. Beer of course 🍺 Unfortunately I didn't spend a long time at the after party. I have a kid at home and it was already pass my bedtime 😆 I told this Goethe guy (Entschuldigung aber I kann Ihre Name nicht erinnern 😅) that tonight's event was great and I wished him/Goethe Haus: Vielen Dank für den schönen Abend. Viel Glück und ich freue mich auf den nächsten KinoFest. PROST! 🍻 

Bubu and Kukka at Art Jakarta

It was our first Art Jakarta 2024 and we had a blast! My Precious Godsend and I had another opportunity to see and meet extraordinary artists presenting their masterpieces. Based on our experience from visiting Art Moment, Kukka and I leaved home early because we wanted to arrive at JIEXPO Kemayoran way before opening hour. And again. It was a wise decision. If I remember correctly... 🤔 It seemed that more visitors were there compared to Art Jakarta... Aaaaand it was kinda... Unorganized? Maybe it's just me... And my girl. But that's how I felt. The traffic inside the hall was confusing. We didn't know where to go or what to see first. We, especially me, were like "Wait! Did we already see this? Or haven't we?" Lucky me, my Precious Godsend always reminded me "We saw this one already. Let's go this way! Bubu, yang itu sudah dilihat. Bubu, don't miss this one!" 😂 Many times we did have different interests when I wanted to spend more time admiring 1 particular art while Kukka already wanted to move on to another one. That's one of the reasons why we always have a meeting point. Just in case there's a problem with our cellphones 😉

Art Jakarta was full with extraordinary and incredible artworks. Kukka and I were like 2 kids in a giant toy store. I remember how I couldn't stop thinking about the artists behind their masterpieces. To think that there are people who have these kind of talents you know... Unbelievable. I also remember I kept saying to my girl that maybe 1 day her art work will be shown in this kind of exhibition. Who knows right? Amen. 😊

Our visit got even better when I had the chance to have a chat with some of the artists. Great people, great stories, great art. I also have my personal favorites such as:

1. KAPAL TANPA LAUTAN. A collaboration between @mangmoel and @yudisulityoart 😍😍 What can I say about this one other than: BAGUS BANGEEEEEEET!!!! 😱😱😱

2. Alice in Wonderland by @bohemian_27 It's fun, beautiful, interesting, brilliant and everything in between. The objects in the picture were moving for god's sake!! How cool is that!?!?!? Alice, Mad Hatter,... CHESHIRE CAT!!! 😻😻😻 Pinocchio was also there!! Lucky me I also had the opportunity to chat with the brilliant artist himself.  

                               

3. Unfortunately I didn't get the name of this art. But this particular masterpiece reminded me of my everlasting love: Trent Reznor's 😆 - The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails. Those were the series of words that popped up in my head 😆

4. Skeleton Snoopy. Well... Everybody who knows me well must know that I have a thing for skeletons 😆 So when I came across a giant skeleton Snoopy I was... 😱

5. These are simply adorable I wanted to take the arts and the book home!

6. And these are the rest of my favorites: 

When Kukka and I went home we couldn't stop talking about our favorite art pieces. And of course the best part of the day was to see the excitement I saw in my baby's eyes. The exhausted body and super tired legs were all worthwhile 🥰 Until next Art Jakarta ya sayang 😘

Time To Act on Alzheimer, Time To Act on Dementia

When I received a message with this poster from Siloam Hospital I was pretty psyched. Not only because the seminar was related to the brain and memory problems. But the speaker was my doctor, The Rocksy! So hell yeah! I immediately signed up eventhough my condition is not dementia nor Alzheimer 😄 What I had in mind was "Kapan lagi!?!"

I planned out everything. From asking SiBapa for permission to what time to arrive at the hospital to get the best seat. I'm the kind of person who like to ask questions so yeah... Sitting arrangement is important 😋 I left home early because I wanted to grab something to eat somewhere near the hospital. I knew they provided free lunch. But enjoying a meal around PIK sounded more appetizing than eating from a box.

I arrived at the hospital early. The hall was still closed and the event organizer seemed very busy doing this and that. It was already 12pm but the door wasn't open yet. I didn't mind to wait because I brought the new novel I just bought. But minutes later I did start to worry because I didn't see lots of people coming. I mean... I thought the hall was gonna be full you know!?! But what I saw was less than expected. I was like "Huh??? Bener kan seminarnya hari ini??? Tanggal, hari, jam, ngga salah kan??" 😅 I was relieved when the door finally opened. I went immediately inside and sat right in the middle on the second row. I had a perfect angle to see the screen and where The Rocksy would stand. Yet still... There was no guests other than me and maybe 2-3 people 😳 Finally more guests came and had lunch on their chairs. While waiting for the seminar to start I had a chance to observe the attendees. Most of them were... Young. I mean... Possibly younger than me 😆 And they came together in couples or more. I couldn't help not to think who and why they were in the seminar. Are they The Rocksy's patients? Are they here because they wanted to help others? Maybe a friend or their loved ones? Or maybe they attended the seminar just because they're interested in dementia and Alzheimer?

Anyway... I went back to Malibu Rising and then suddenly the woman in front of me said hi and asked questions. It started pretty basic like "Udah lama datangnya? - Kok belum mulai ya udah jam segini? - Sendirian? - Ngga makan?" etc. And theeeeeen she asked "Pasiennya Dr. Rocky? - Sakit apa? - Udah berapa lama berobat di sini? - Dapet obat apa? - Kalo kambuh kaya apa?" and she went on and on and on 😂 I did answer some of her questions AND gave hints that I wanted to go back to my novel. But she wouldn't stop talking!!! Aaaaaaaaaand she said "Bentar aku pindah ke situ deh!" Wakwaaaaaaaw! 😂 She sat right in front of me! Thank god I put my bag on the chair beside me. Maybe if my bag wasn't there she would sit right next to me. I did answer some of her questions but luckily she was the one who did most of the talking 😂 I think in 15 minutes I know more about this woman's life tragedy than my family members' 😅 Thankfully a couple of women came and on the same row. Lucky me the first cici started to talk more to the women who happened to be sisters 😆 She said something like "Ayo cerita ngapain nih ke sini? Ayo sharing!" 🤣 And they did! The sisters told us that they attended the seminar because they were worried of their father's condition 😢 So yeah... I was off the hook until the seminar started 🤣

I was even more relieved when The Rocksy finally came and I watched her getting ready for the presentation. Yet still.. The hall was half empty. There were 2 sides of chairs but only 1 side was full. But I guess it was time to start. The moderator said thank you and so on. He asked us to stand up. "Kita dance dulu supaya semangat! Yang paling ok nanti dapat hadiah!" Oh mein Gott! 😂 It was that kepala-pundak-lutut-kaki dance and as predicted I fucked up when the dance got faster. BUT I WON!!!! 🤣 Why???? Moderator: "Ibu yang pakai blazer kuning terlihat paling semangat! Ayo kita tepuk tangan dulu buat ibu!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Thank you Siloam Hospital 🙂

Alhamdulillah the seminar finally started. My doctor saw me and we 👋🏼 at each other excitedly. Kaya ketemu gebetan 😂 During her Welcome - Thank You speech there was something she said that made me sad. The Rocksy said something like: "Jujur saya sedih loh... Yang daftar padahal banyak sekali tapi yang datang cuma setengah aula." I don't know about her but I was pissed. I was like "So typical. Daftar aja dulu. Dateng atau ngga liat nanti." 😒😒 So disrespectful. Well. Fuck 'em. Their loss. Right doc?!? 😉

The Rocksy started the seminar and it was very interesting. I've been her patient since god knows when. But last Sunday was the first time I attended her seminar. The way The Rocksy explained things, the material on the screen, pretty much everything! Padat, singkat, menarik dan penuh makna 😃 So... Dr. dr. Rocksy Fransisca V Situmeang, Sp. N 😉 During those 2,5 hours (?) I listened attentively to pretty much every word she said. Although I knew I would forget about most of it after 2 hours later 😅 While the other attendees took pictures of The Rocksy's presentation, I wrote down the questions I wanted to ask. I mean come on! I bet you can ask for the material probably via e-mail! But you can't have the master presenting it in your living room. Right? Anyways... It was Q&A time. I immediately raised my hand 😂 Surprisingly most of the attendees did have questions. It was... Somewhat...relieving? I mean... When I listened to the questions I was like: Oh I'm not alone... Oh he/she has it worse... Alhamdulillah aku ngga separah itu... And so on... Sad but true. I also shed tears when a woman shared her story and asked about what to do for the rest of her life with that kind of condition 😢 I couldn't help not to think "Ya Allah hidup kok gini amat ya..." 

The gloomy aura of the hall became lively when it was time for The Rocksy to answer questions. We as attendees were very enthusiastic to listen to her professional answers and some couldn't wait to pour their feelings out. An embarassing moment happened when my doc mentioned (and pointed at me?) my name while she explained about how important it is to keep your brain busy. It can be as simple as writing a diary. From storing your what-to-do list in your memory instead of saving it on your cellphone to "Main piano tuh kaya Ibu Farika!" Everybody turned their heads on me! Hadeeeeuh 😅 The Rocksy did mention that she watched videos of me playing piano on my instagram. She also explained to me the positive impact of it for the brain during my last check up. But I didn't expect her to say it in front of other people! Kesannya kaya jago padahal amatir pisan 🤣 

And then it was time to end. I was only an attendee but I was pleased to witness the moment when the moderator ACTUALLY had to apologize that the seminar was completed. It means that the attendees including me really enjoyed and captivated by The Rocksy's seminar 😊 Aaaaand it also means that hopefully more people want to learn about dementia and Alzheimer. From what it means to how to deal with them. That it's best to pay more attention to the symptoms rather than ignore them and say "Ya maklumin aja lah kan udah tua!" ..... How dangerous lack of sleep and stress are to your brain. How childhood trauma can come back to haunt you... And that the people who are closest to you can be the one who fuck up your brain. How important it is to get professional help as soon as possible. And many other things.

Because when the damage is done, there's no turning back. There are medications and therapies. But there's no cure. When your brain is hurt, the scar will always be there. Some become even wider and deeper until your brain finally shuts down. Forever.

To dr. Rocksy. Thank you so much for such an interesting seminar. I hope you'll do it more often. And yes! I will definitely be there! 😉😄

*Taken Friday, October 4th at Siloam Hospitals Lippo Village Ballroom*

Fly Away Dear Friend...

Sigh... I have so much to say but I don't know where to start... All I know is that I want to talk about families and friends. About time. About life and regrets.

Yesterday Keke and I visited our dear friend Santy who is currently admitted to the ICU. If I remember correctly this is the second time she's been hospitalized... Keke and I heard the news days before and immediately made a date to go to the hospital together. To tell you the truth I didn't know what to expect. All I could think was what to bring for Santy. And I was also worried that I might meet some friends who I used to know but I don't remember anymore. I just don't want to be rude you know? I can't just shake somebody's hand and say "Sorry aku ngga inget kamu siapa." So I was practically glued on Keke's side and we went to the ICU... And there she was... Our friend Santy. On the bed. With all sorts of tubes attached to her body. It took me less than 5 minutes... I couldn't handle it. I broke down and sobbed on Keke's shoulder. I think at some point I did ask Keke lots of "why"s... Man I'm crying as we speak 😭 I don't know if I can do this... Blog about this correctly... But this is my way to "store" memories... So I'm going to keep trying...

In the ICU room Keke and I stood beside Santy's bed... I held our dear friend's leg carefully and started to recite surahs for a person who is ill. Because that was the only thing I could do for Santy. But then... Her swollen hand caught my eyes and... I just couldn't take it... I turned back to Keke and cried in her arms. Keke tried very hard to calm me down. I said I couldn't stay there and see Santy in that condition. I also didn't want to make her mother even more sad. But I think I did... Because when Santy's mom reached out her hand I saw a couple of old teary eyes... I kissed her hand... I didn't know what to say... "Sabar ya Tante - Semoga Santy cepat sembuh ya - Jangan sedih ya Tante" didn't sound right... But when Santy's mom gently hugged me and said "Doain Santy ya..." I wept. Because those were the same words I said to her... That I will pray for her dear daughter. Keke immediately took me outside the room and we stood there. I cried and cried. And then my teeth started to chatter and my hands were shaking. I had a seizure. I think this BFF of mine started to panic and kept saying "Gimana ini? Dol! Gimana dong? Dol! Aduh!" And then you know what???? I had to calm her down!!!! ME the one who was HAVING the seizure!!! 😂 But the more Keke panicked, the more she made me laugh 😂 I was like "Ini sahabat kok ya ngga ada gunanya! 😂"

Eventually the seizure stopped and Keke took me to this big room where a lot of people were sitting/resting/sleeping on the carpet. It's a place where the patients' families and friends rest without having to leave the hospital. I saw a couple of familiar faces. Santy's husband, Yoga, and her sister, Mba Kiki. I was still shaking a little bit. That's why I think I didn't say much. I'm just glad I had the chance to visit Santy... All I can do for her is send prayers... 

After that Keke and I went back to her office to grab some lunch. The place was packed since well... It was lunch hour. Duh! 🤪 Thankfully Didi came to the rescue and he managed to find a table for the 3 of us. Lunch with these 2 is always... Fun 😄 We exchanged stories, some useless yet some were "heavy" 😆 We made each other laugh and oh I don't know... They just sort of saved my day 🤗 

I went home with a smile on my face and tears in my heart. All the way home I couldn't stop wondering... Why is it that somebody has to get sick first, or sadly passed away, to have her/his families and friends to get together, spend time, share stories and laughters and, ............................................................................................................................................................

As I was typing the words above, Keke called me at 8:20pm.... Santy just passed away with her family by her side... 😢😢😢

Inna Lillahi Wa Innaa Illaihii Raji'un.

 

Rest in peace my dear friend... I'm so sorry we didn't spend a lot of time together... In shāʾ Allāh you are now not in pain anymore... Love you San...

*Picture sent today, August 29th by Keke*