Yes. That’s me. I’m so fragile that it is not safe nor wise to leave me completely by myself. But i’m not helpless. I still can do a lot of things all by myself. Although mostly it’s under supervision. But lately I feel like my biggest fragility is not my physical self. It is my tolerance.
My feeling and my tolerance towards some things....particular things...have changed to.......almost minimum. Not totally gone but... It’s there but it’s just like...peeking through a mouse hole. Many times I wonder if this sickness of mine has changed some of my personalities. Haha. Well if it does, I hope it’s for the better. :)) Because from what I’ve heard, I should be kept away from stress. And this “new” personality seems to have a good influence on my health. Since I don’t think about things too hard anymore :)))
For example I know people who act like they are the coolest person in the world. But the problem is: they’re not. This person tries to dress like one, acts like one, talks like one and makes gestures like one. You know. The kind who uses the latest “in” words in every sentence that comes out of his mouth. The kind who acts like she's cool and saucy. The kind who makes gestures like he doesn’t care about anything around him. The kind who makes sure that everybody knows that she knows about everything that is happening in this world. Yeah. That kind. In Indonesia we call it "SO ASIK".
I used to feel annoyed to be around people like this but I acted like it was okay. Sometimes I even went along with it. Pretend that he is "asik". But now???? Nah. I have better things to do. Now, when I’m in this kind of mood, I prefer to be...indifferent. Like not meeting him or not replying her phone calls or messages. And yes, I'm not worried about what she might think or how he might feel about it. I just want to enjoy myself. See, hear, do things and meet people that I DO love. My time is precious. I don’t want to waste it by taking care of somebody else’s feeling but making myself feel miserable. I also feel more indifferent about nothing in particular. Just...Sometimes I feel like....whatever. Which is SO not me. I don’t feel like I need any approval from anyone to do the things that I want to do. If I feel like it, I just do it. As long as it’s not harmful and breaking any rules or anybody’s heart, of course.
I want to be a better person. I want to have fun. I want to start to enjoy my life. My precious life. By being strong, happy AND healthy. That way I can take care of the people I love. My family. My friends. Well, what do you know!?!
Maybe fragility will cure my illness.
Maybe by being fragile I will be stronger.
Now... Let the fun begin!