Sunday, October 23, 2016


Yesterday was Saturday. It was a very nice day. I woke up in a good shape and in a good mood. Probably because after I took my morning pills, it was easy for me to go back to sleep again. Hence the good mood and fresh feeling. So fresh I decided to start cooking not long after I woke up. The menu was Homemade Carrot Cheese and Chicken Nuggets! Yes. Homemade. It was fun to make and turned out to be quite delicious. How do I know the nuggets were delicious? Because my precious Godsend ate 12 of them in 1 go. Yes. 12. And the nuggets were quite big. Bigger than the ones you find in the supermarkets. Watching Kukka eating my homemade nuggets amazed me. And happy, of course. The tiredness from doing those cutting, chopping, shaping and everything just paid off. And of course, she finished the veggies too. While keeping her company during lunch, I asked Kukka what she wanted to do or where to go today. With a big grin she answered “PIM!”. Specifically. I asked why PIM. She just answered “Because I want to.” Okay. :))

So yes, we went to PIM. Just the two of us because SiBapa had to go to work. When we arrived in PIM, as predicted, it was... F U L L. I was like “Ugh...!”. I really wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but PIM. On Saturday. But I saw Kukka’s happy face. She was so happy and looked very excited. She held my hands and led me the way. Of course. Toys City. The toy store was so crowded and loud. Along the way I reminded Kukka that she was not allowed to buy anymore toys because she already bought a giant Shark and a bunny from Ikea the day before. She just nodded but still she practically dragged me to a specific section in the toy store. And there they were. Pokemon cards. I was like WHAT??????? I asked “So you want to go to PIM just because of these cards???? You want me to buy you these cards????” Kukka picked one pack of cards and with her super cute face and super sweet voice she begged “Please, Bubu... Can I buy this one? Pleeeeeeeeeease??? All of my friends have Pokemon cards. I’m the only one who don’t have them. So when they talk about the cards, I can’t join them and I don’t understand. Because I don’t have the cards. So pleeeeeeease can I just have this one???? Please please please? It’s just one pack and it’s the small one. Not the big one. The mba said it costs 55.000. Pleeeeeeeeeeease? I will be very happy if you buy me one.”

Now. Tell me how a mother could resist such a sweet and polite request from her super cute angelic-looking daughter? And she had a reason too. A good but quite saddening reason. I didn’t know that peer pressure already comes at this stage, 3rd grade. So yes, I bought her a small pack of Pokemon cards. Kukka was very, very happy. I could see the happiness and excitement on her face more than that day when her Bapa bought her a bicycle :)) Afterwards we went to have dinner. Like always, she picked a Japanese restaurant. The restaurant was so full but we were lucky. There was a table for two. While waiting for our dinner to come, Kukka opened the cards and explained them to me one-by-one. To be honest, I didn’t understand it at all. But I went along and asked her questions about them. Then while we were having our dinner, we had our usual girl talk. I asked Kukka if she and her beloved Bapa have secrets that I don’t know about. She answered yes. I said good. It means that she and I could have our secrets too that Bapa doesn’t have to know about. She said yes and we laughed so loud and gave each other a high-five.

While we were having dinner, I had the chance to look around and see the people at the other tables. One thing I’ve noticed and it made me sad... I’ve noticed that maybe 95% of the guests at this restaurant were holding and concentrating on their cellphones. Most of the guests were families. Some with small kids, some with big ones. Some were probably husbands and wives, some maybe lovers. Almost all of them were so busy with their cellphones instead of talking to each other. Right next to our table there were a teenage girl and her mom. Both were busy with their cellphones. And because our tables were so close, I could practically see that they were chatting. Obviously not with each other. The mother who sat close to me? She was chatting via Whats app. Yes. The seats were THAT close. But not close enough for me to be able to read what she was typing :)) And then suddenly I felt so sad...

So this is what we have become... Instead of spending a nice time together, looking eye-to-eye, having coffee, sharing secrets and slices of cakes, people are having conversations with somebody who isn’t there AND ignoring the one who sits right in front of them. Nowadays lots of people would rather talk with others using chat apps instead with the ones who are actually sitting next to them. Or even worse, many use their cellphones to play games instead of having conversations... I don’t know... Maybe I’m thinking too much about it. Maybe deep down inside I AM an old soul, who would rather snuggle under a blanket together in silence than exchanging love messages via cellphones. I’d choose walking hand in hand anywhere over sending selfies from everywhere.

I don’t know... I’m just sad. Really sad and worried. They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Well... I think you know exactly what you have. You just think that you'll never ever going to lose it...

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Dear Kukka: Have fun!

So... I'm writing this after we finally got to talk over the phone, baby girl. For your information I've been waiting for that phone call since... Well... Since you got inside and sit on the bus this morning!

Yes, Kukka... I'm starting to miss and worry about you since the last time we waved goodbye to each other this morning. I still can picture your face on the bus window. I know you were excited to go camping with your friends and teachers. But somehow I also saw that sad-worry expression on your face. And your questions from last night? I remember them very well. Last night our pillow talk was more into QA session. You said "I'm so sad I'm going to leave you. What if you get a seizure and Bapa is not home yet? You're all alone at home..."

What have I done to deserve you? Such a loving and caring daughter. Maybe you can't understand this right now but someday... When you're older, when you have a family of your own, when you have children of your own, you'll understand. You will understand my feelings right now. They're all mixed up. I'm proud, I'm amazed, I'm happy and yes, I'm sad. I'm sad that you have to worry about me that much. I'm sad that you have to think about the bad "What if"s about me. I'm sad to see your worried face when you hugged me and said "Don't have a seizure!" before getting into the bus. I'm sad to hear your first question over the phone was "Are you okay, Bubu?" 

Alhamdulillah I've managed to assure you that I am okay. That you shouldn't worry about me. Yes, after dropping you off at school I did have a minor episode but I also took a very long and much needed nap. So now I am fine. Really! And you made me really happy when you finally started to tell me about your day so far. You said "I'm okay! I miss you too but I'm having so much fun! I'm catching animals and stuff! I catch worms, grasshoppers, fishes and stuff! I miss you, Bubu! Bye!"

3 minutes. Yes, the connection was bad but from your voice I could hear that you were not that interested in talking to me too long #LOL I totally understand, baby! I can't wait until tomorrow so I can shower you with hugs and kisses again until you say "Stop it, Bubu! Okay, that's enough!"I'm sure you have tons of fun right now and I'm so happy to know it. The latest photo I received is you and your friends were sitting by the bonfire, wearing raincoats and singing. So I guess it was...raining? And just now your teacher just informed the parents that you and your friends are already in your tents and ready to go to sleep. 

Well, good night, my precious Godsend... Sweet dreams. We'll see each other again tomorrow, okay? Kisses. 


Friday, September 09, 2016

Dear Kukka: Animals Don’t Get Married

Dear baby girl... First of all I want to say sorry for writing this story down and published it in my blog but... I just have to. Why? Because like always, whenever it comes to you and your questions are hilarious and cute. So I really want to write it down. So this is what just happened about 15 minutes ago:

You just came home from school and got out of the car. You hadn’t even went inside the house yet and gave me a hug. Why? Because you saw Blob-Blob and Fluffy The Stray Cats in our garden and you noticed them chasing each other. You were really worried. You were afraid that Blob-Blob might hurt Fluffy. So you kept following them and tried to separate them when they were fighting in front of our neighbor’s house. I could hear you from our living room how you scolded Blob-Blob for chasing and scratching Fluffy #LOL But then suddenly I heard you crying. First I thought you cried because Blob-Blob hurt Fluffy. Then I went to the porch and saw you running while holding out your finger.

“Bubuuuuuuuuuuuu! Fluffy scratched my finger!!!!”, you cried and screamed. I’m sorry, baby but yes. When I heard you said that, I couldn’t help not to laugh a bit and smiled a lot. Then when I was washing and taking care of your wounded finger, you told me how it happened.

Kukka: “Blob-Blob was chasing Fluffy and he was going to bite Fluffy on the neck. I said “No, Blob-Blob! Don’t hurt Fluffy! Be nice!” And then I was going to separate them but then Fluffy scratched meeeeee!”

This is when I couldn’t help NOT TO LAUGH. So while hugging you and blowing your wounded finger to make it feel better, I tried to explain why Blob-Blob did what he did to Fluffy. I said maybe they were mating. Mating, you asked. Woops. I just remember how much of a curious girl you are. So yeah... Now I had to explain to you what mating is. I explained to you that mating for animals is like.........marrying for humans? So Blob-Blob and Fluffy were trying to make...kittens. #LOL And then I could see your eyes getting wider and at that second I knew I would get more questions from you. Difficult ones. Yup. My problem. I should’ve wait for Bapa and let HIM explaining all of this to you! So yeah, then your questions and comments kept on coming. These are the ones that I still remember:

Kukka: "Blob-Blob can’t marry Fluffy!!! He already got married to Lulu! He can’t do that to Lulu!! Lulu is his wife! Blob-Blob should be nice to Lulu and not get married with other cats! That doesn’t make any sense! That’s not right! If Blob-Blob is married to Lulu then he’s not allowed to be with other cats! He has to be only with Lulu!!!!”

I’m sorry, baby. But seriously. Your comments made me laugh sooooo loud! I was laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes. Then I tried very hard to stop laughing because I could see it in your face that you weren’t amused. So after I succeeded to stop laughing and apologizing to you, I tried to tell you the possibilities of why Blob-Blob was “naughty” to Fluffy. Believe me, baby! I felt like a total fool when I was explaining this subject to you!!! But yeah, I did tell you that animals do not get married. They’re mating. They are not like us humans. Yes, when a man and a woman get married, they make a vow to ALLAH. So they have to be faithful to each other and not............get married with other man or woman. That’s why it’s called marriage. While animals, they are mating. Which means......they can Which means it’s okay for Blob-Blob not to be faithful to Lulu. Oh god, I am laughing so hard right now in the living room as I’m typing these words!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Call me a foolish mother or whatever, but yes. Those were the words I’ve used when I tried to explain to you the difference between animals and humans, between marriage and mating. Hey, you didn’t give me time to google or whatever! So I did what I did. I said what I said. #LOL When Bapa comes home, ask him. He will give you a much better answer for sure. Anyways after that I could see that you were digesting my explanation and I knew you would comment about it. And yessir you sure did:

Kukka: “Oooooow okay! So if they’re animals it’s okay for a cat to be with other cat because they are not married. They are not husband and wife. But if humans, people, like us, like you and me and Bapa and other people, it’s not okay. Because it’s called marriage. ALLAH will be very angry if husband and wife did what Blob-Blob did to Lulu. Right, Bubu? Okay. Now I get it. But I still don’t understand why Blob-Blob did that to Fluffy. Because Fluffy is also a Blob-Blob's daughter. So he's mating with his daughter.”

WAKWAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!! Sorry, baby. I’ll be right back! #SiBubupassedout

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

How To Test A Best Friend

Friend. Everybody can be somebody’s friend. Well... Almost everybody. There’s always one or two...or three...or more...who is too much of an asshole to be anybody’s friend. That’s why if you DO have one who matches the definition above, keep him or her close. I consider myself as a very lucky person. I’ve been blessed with lots of friends and some who I can consider as my best ones. I already blogged about this here. Now how do I know which one are my best ones? The easiest way to find out is by seeing the ones who stick around when you hit rock bottom. Then it’s quite safe to say that they are your best friends. Yet there’s another way to test it. How?

Well, this is for those who are already married or at least have a girl/boyfriend. IDEALLY your best friend SHOULD like your partner and it goes the other way around. Right? And life would have been so peachy if they also become best friends. Right? Right?? Imagine how great it would be to spend time all together like eating out, going to the movies or just hanging out while enjoying some cups of coffee. Ah that would be so awesome... Right? Right??? 

Now.... What if....your partner AND your best friend DO NOT LIKE each other???? Even worse... What if they DESPISE one another!?!?! Aaaaaaaand get this!!! They are totally aware of this situation and they don’t even PRETEND to like each other! So yeah... There are (many) times when you have to choose one of them and/or you’ll be stuck in the middle. Not to mention the times when you have to hear them out trashing each other. Sometimes it’s funny. Other times it’s annoying. But yeah... It happens. 

And there's another situation. In this case the friendship involves a man and a woman. This test doesn't involve anybody else but the two of you. Yes. The classic "Can a man and a woman be just best friends" thing. In this scenario you and your friend like each other...too much. Both of you understand each other too well. In many cases it's like you can read each others' mind. You are best friends but... Yeah... Sometimes too much can be just....too damn much. And yes, again, both of you are totally aware of it. 

So this is when the test comes. If things are still normal... If nobody is being weird about anybody... If you still consider each other as friends, good friends, with no hard feelings whatsoever... And even if there is some, you’ll totally understand, you can talk about it to sort it out and in no time you are buddies again... Then I think it’s pretty safe to say that you ARE in fact BEST FRIENDS. So if you do have one or two, keep her/him close. Why? 

Because having a best friend makes your life more fun.  
Because talking to your best friend soothes your aching heart. 
Because being with your best friend creates more precious memories.
And most certainly, last but not least, because a true best friend is rare to find.

Trust me. I know.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016


 noun | mo·men·tum | \mō-ˈmen-təm, mə-\

: the strength or force that allows something to continue or
to grow stronger or faster as time passes


Someone who is very close to my heart recently reminded me that NOW is my MOMENTUM and that I need to ride on it. What he meant with now is me in my current state, physical and emotional. At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t even understand much about what the heck momentum is. But after spending a lot of time digesting about what he said to me, I started to get it...

Why did he say that now is my momentum? Well... I think all the drama that has happened and still happening in my life, health and personal life wise, is another way of how life is giving me clues that now is the time for me to keep on moving, to grow stronger. And it seems that health wise, I am getting better. As a matter of fact I do have less seizure attacks. At least now I can see the pattern or the causes of the seizures. It’s almost 95% certain I will have seizures when I’m physically or emotionally exhausted or in pain. As on the personal life wise... Now I also look and feel very much at ease and happier. Objectively speaking. Why? Well... I’m not so sure about this but maybe mostly it’s because I don’t remember my problems??? Does it make any sense at all? Well whatever it is, it's working! #LMAO And it's also because now I can see who my real friends and family are. They are those who still stand by my side, no matter what happens. They are those who are helping me to get through, or better yet, riding along on this exciting "episode" of my life... Not running away or even worse, blaming it.

Anyways... This momentum is supposed to help me to have a new and clear mind. My dear friend said imagine as if my brain/mind is a computer which is currently rebooting or defragging. Which...I guess it’s a good thing? #LOL With a “fresh” mind, I’ve been given a chance to start thinking about things differently, to have a different perspective, to be better from every angle, to be more mature, to act wiser and most importantly: to be stronger, physically and emotionally. And I think... I sure hope... I'm getting there. 

Recently once or twice, my friend said to me that whenever we spend some time together, he doesn’t see anything different in me. He said he still sees me as the Farika he knows for 25 years. Yes. That’s how long our friendship has been. For 25 years our relationship has been on and off. There are cycles in our friendship. Meaning there are moments when we didn’t have any contacts at all. But the second we do have communication with each other, it’s always intense. So I guess it’s pretty safe to trust his judgement about me because he does know me very well. Too well actually. So when my friend says he sees nothing different in me, it means that I'm back in the game, people! Even better! I'm riding on my momentum. But most importantly it also means that my defragmentation is complete!!!  

Now can I get an amen??? #LOL 

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Dear Kukka: Happy 8th Birthday!!!

Excuse me but can you tell me again how old you are now??? You are eight years old??? Are you sure, baby?????? I mean... 8????? I’m sorry but I’m having a very hard time to believe it. I know, I know. I say that every year but... Come on!!! EIGHT????? 8???????????????? This year we celebrated your birthday at Oakwood Premier Cozmo Jakarta. I think this is going to be our usual place to celebrate our special occasions. Why? Well... Because so far it has everything we want. Nice place and good food. That’s it. 

Anyways, there was an extra happiness going on this year. Uncle Ferry had spent 2 nights at our home before and that event alone had already made you, made US, very very happy. You had a great time playing with Uncle Ferry, Bapa had a partner to play his favorite online game and I? I had the chance to see two of my beloved people, my baby brother and my baby girl, snuggled up and snoring together from night until the next afternoon. Too bad Uncle Ferry couldn’t be there on your birthday morning. But at least you guys had a great swimming time together before he went home. And I had a superb quality time with your beloved uncle. We've shared moments that we'd probably very difficult to repeat... Especially when he's going back to his campus. Let's just hope he'll finish his study very soon so he can be with us again.

Now about your birthday... Bapa, you and me. No fancy party, no fuss, just us. You were very excited when you found out that we were going to spend a night at a hotel. We could’ve spent more days but Bapa had to go to Bandung to attend his high school reunion. Anyways, the minute you set your feet inside the hotel building, you were very excited. And on your birthday morning... When Bapa and I woke you up and sang you Happy Birthday... You were so surprised. Even though we only brought you a cheese quiche from Starbucks, decorated with a single candle, your eyes sparkled and your smile was so wide. You kept saying “This is the best birthday ever! You are the best parents! I love you!” And then you hugged and kissed me and Bapa. Now tell me!!! Which parents don't feel proud to have such a loving and grateful daughter?!

Dear Kukka, 
You are the most precious daughter parents could ever wished for. 
There's no day passes by without us thanking ALLAH SWT for giving you to us.

The most beautiful, smart, grateful and loving little girl. 
Our beloved Godsend... 
Our pretty Si Baiyi...

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Surprise, Surprise!!!

Exactly at 00:00 I received a surprise from my babies. They brought me a chocolate birthday cake with a flickering candle and they sang Happy Birthday to me. What a surprise!!! My eyes were immediately teary...

After receiving birthday hugs and kisses from them, they gave a present, with two things inside. Cooking books!!! Hahahahaha! This was such a surprise!!!! One is called Indonesian Kitchen: 300 popular recipes across the archipelago and the other one is Fancy Cookies!!!!! I was laughing because I didn’t expect these and I also was laughing and got teary eyes because.... I mean... Cooking books???????? Does my husband really think that my cooking is or can be THAT GOOD?????? Hahahahahaha!!!! I’ve been cooking him home made food lately and so far my husband likes my cooking. Since then he’s been encouraging me to cook even more often. But I never thought he would think that I could be this good #LOL I mean, come one!!!! Indonesian recipe book??? Indonesian dishes are probably the most difficult ones to cook! But I guess Hubster has that much confidence in me, eh?! After having some birthday cakes we went to bed. And.....................................

When I woke up again this morning, I saw another surprise on the night stand beside me!!!! Oh my God I didn’t expect this at all!!!! I hugged and kissed my love ones and I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Because I was really, really surprised and also because of the writing on the envelope!!! I was too surprised and too excited to open the present. But then I finally did it. And.....................................................

I laughed again! So hard and even more surprised!!!! A rose gold iPhone 6 SE!!!! The exact type and color I’ve wanted!!! I’ve been whining about wanting this to my husband. I've even browsed about it on the website in front of him! But Hubster always scolded me and said that my current iPhone is still good enough. And that there’s no point of getting a new one, which is true. But now??? I have it in my hand!!! So THIS is the real deal!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! After all these years, my loved ones, especially the big one, can still surprise me.

My babies, thank you soooo much for everything yaaaa! 
Both of you make me really, really happy and feel blessed. 
Not only today, but always. 
And hopefully I can give both of you even more love and happiness in return. 


40 years I’ve been living!!! What a life it has been! From the moment I was born to the second I typed the last word on this blogpost, 40 years later. 40 special years. Yes, friends. It's passed midnight. So I guess I could claim that today is  officially my 40th birthday. Horray. Does it feel special? Well... define “special”. 

Contrary to some people’s belief, if not the birthday celebration itself, I think at least you yourself have to believe that your life IS special. That what has happened to you is special. That YOU ARE special. Yes, other people experience the same or even worse things than you. So what??? It doesn’t mean you're not allowed to think that you are special. So do I think I’m special? Yes. I do. 

But this time I’m not feeling any kind of... Hype. It’s a special day but there’s no excitement. It feels like... Another year has just passed by. It’s kind of sad, actually. Since I think I’ve always feel excited when it comes to celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But not this time. Does it have to do with being 40? 

Talking about special. I think considering that you yourself are special has significant effects. And to me personally it has 2 different meanings and effects. Special in a good way and in a bad way. The bad way is that I feel especially less. Worthless. Unlucky. Miserable. Lost. Unattractive. Clingy. Unworthy. Vengeful. Unwanted. I also feel that 40 years has passed just like that. In fact, in some ways I feel like my life is going back and forth. That it has a certain cycle. And this time I’m currently at the bottom. Or not?

Then again... Being 40, after all the drama I’ve been through and some are still on going, ALLAH SWT. has given me another chance to live. Not everybody is as lucky as me. I do believe that. So I think it’s pretty safe to say that I AM SPECIAL. Which means I’m also currently... at the top? Confused? Tell me about it!!!!!!

And also that at this age I have a healthy and smart 7 year old daughter whom I love to the moon and back. And she loves me too. Very much. That’s what she keeps telling me everyday. While hugging and kissing me. So... I MUST BE SPECIAL to have earned this honor and responsibility to take care of such a beautiful human being from ALLAH SWT. And with all the ups and downs that every human being has and will go through, I'm still here. Surviving. No. Enjoying.  

And the list goes on and on and it turns out there are too many things to mention. Good... No. Great things. But the bottom line is this: 

I am special. 
And I'm thanking you for making me feel this way. 
Yes, you. 

And YOU, of course. 
My Great and Almighty. 
Thank You.