Losing Faith - The Death of a Hopeless Romantic

Because life is a long journey, one should have something he can look forward to. Some excitedly planning for New Year’s eve 6 months before. Some couldn’t wait for the day they turn 17. Busy people almost patiently waiting for every weekend to come so they can spend time with their loved ones. Teenagers anxiously waiting for the same date in every month to celebrate their “anniversaries” with their boy- and girlfriends, and then tweet about it like crazy. Somebody is willing to drive across town to find the perfect Valentine’s bouquet. Because everybody needs some excitements in his life. Excitements that come in the form of the thrill of giving, getting, wanting and needing. Of course there are also people who don’t give a crap about these things. That certain dates are just another day which comes and goes just like any other dates. That certain celebrations are a waste of money. That surprises are overated. Everybody is entitled to have his own belief. So there’s no wrong or right. 

What’s sad is when someone who used to believe in those “magic moments” suddenly loses her faith. Losing it makes her numb and ends up living her days more like a programmed robot. Or a ghost. Floating from places to places, just for the sake to be somewhere instead of living the moments and cherishing the beauty of the places she’s been or the company she’s been with. Not to feel anything is a scary feeling that nobody should ever experience in her life. Especially for someone whose life used to be filled with love, fun and excitements. A hopeless romantic, as I called it. A person who thinks that all you need in this world is love. 

For a hopeless romantic, choosing to be indifferent is not an easy task. The moment she tries not to care in the things that she used to believe in is the moment where her life has turned into a neverending hardwork. Because eventhough deep down her heart is still aching to get those magic moments back, she has to try with all her might not to expect anything anymore. Yet in the same time she still secretly waiting to be saved by the very person that she loves to make her believe again. 

Because the saddest, most ironic and probably pathetic part of it all is that, intentionally or subconsciously, “dead” or alive, she is doing it, still... 

In the name of love. 

Shit.

Never thought it would come to this. 

That I would feel the need to leave everything that matters,

and went off on my own. 

That I would let the one and only person that made me still alive today, 

going through days without me. 

Never thought it would come to this. 

That I would still feel the need to do it again. 

And again. And again. 

Not tomorrow or the day after. 

Now. 

Will this feeling ever go away? 

To You, You and You.

Yes, you. 

I know you've been reading my blog. Thank you. I appreciate your interest in my life and I hope you've been entertained by my writings. 

Well, actually I do know for a fact that you like my writings. Not intend to be a cocky bitch here, really. But since you copy-pasted my lines in your Twitter account, in your bio, and only God knows where else, you must like them very much. So much you treated them as if they were your original ideas, your personal life and experiences. What the fuck?!?!? Seriously.

ORIGINAL. Do you know what it means? 

You know, there's a section below every post where you can drop me a comment or two. Just tell me that you like my writings and ask for permission to post some of the lines in your Twitter or anywhere else. With credit, of course. Simply put my name next to it or the url if you're in the mood to be more respectful. That, my youngsters, is the right thing to do. Ask. Don't steal. Don't cheat. 

Nobody likes a thief. And everybody surely hates a cheater.

Dear Kukka: It's about life

Dear Kukka, 

I know you’re only 3.6 years old now. Far too young to learn about life. But who knows? Maybe by the time you read this, you’d be in the perfect age to know a little bit more about life. 

My sweet girl... From the day you were born... No, let me rephrase that. From the day the idea of having you in my life was in my head and set in my heart, you’ve been very fortunate and blessed with so much love. So far you’re living an easy and happy life. Perhaps the only bad moments that you have are the times when I get tough on you and I don’t always give you the things that you want. But one day you’ll thank me for it. Trust me. 

In short, you’re living the toddler’s dream, baby. 

But soon, my precious, your life might start to change. You’ll see that there are times when you can’t see the slightest ray of sunlight or even the so called silver lining in your dark sky. You’ll realize that there are actually some people who want to hurt you, strangers or sadly, even loved ones. There will be days when you discover ugly truths about your friends and families. You’ll also make mistakes, big and small, and some people might ended up hating you for it. Then sadly, there will be times when I, your mother, whose life is dedicated only for you, will not be able to help you or be there for you. Then you’ll realize that nobody is perfect. Not even your parents. Then you’ll get your heart broken and you’ll be drown in tears.

Now that’s when you’ll find out that life is not always a bed of roses. That, my little Godsend, is what you called simply a LIFE. The full package of laughters, tears and bitter-sweet ironies. 

So, as much as I want to, I can’t and won’t promise you that life will always be easy. I can’t even promise you that I will always be there for you. The only thing I can do is to promise you that my love for you will never change. It will be as enormous and overwhelming as right now. And if for some reasons it did change, I assure you my love for you would only be greater. 

There is one more thing that I can promise you though. That if for some reasons I could not help you and be there for you in any way, know that Allah SWT will. 

Always. 

Downward Spiral

In my down days I often wonder. Just basic stuff, really. Like this never ending questions about why bad things happen to good people and bad people often get what they want. Then there’s why there are some who have to pay a really high price until the day they die for some mistakes that they’ve done a long time ago. There’s also a question why some have to live in despair for the rest of their lives because of somebody else’s mistake. And why there are persons who posed as the innocence yet they’re exactly the ones who rip other people’s hearts. 

Or... The really super basic of them all: why life can be such a cliche and so hard sometimes. So hard that it makes the problem seems so surreal. It’s like you’re in a daze. Your surrounding is spinning around and all the colors in the world are almost fading. And you feel like you’re floating. Not ghostly kind of floating. But more like a smoke. If somebody was there to catch you, he couldn’t. You can’t be saved because it’s like you’re there but not exactly here. But then, seconds later you’re back. With good and hard smack on the head. And heart. 

And then your heart starts to bleed again. Back to reality.

The End of The World

January 1st 2012. 

Yeah. Pretty much is. 

A Valuable Heritage From The Inlaws

Bapa-ibu mertuaku punya anak 5. Cowo semua. Ganteng semua. Baik hati dan tidak sombong semua. Rajin menabung dan mengaji...mmm...ngga tau ya :p Tapi yang bikin hati makin luluh, lima-limanya sopan semua. Apalagi untuk ukuran cowo. Mau ke orang tua, muda, perempuan atau laki, suamiku dan kaka-adenya ini sangat santun. Seumur hidup sampe sekarang, belum lagi tuh ketemu sama cowo-cowo model begini.. Kalo bertatap muka, pasti nyapa dengan sopan, ramah plus senyum yang manis dan serius tulus. Konon kabarnya, senyuman maut inilah yang bikin banyak cewe klepek-klepek dan jatuh-bangun :p Kalo ngejawab telepon juga kedengerannya enak dan ramah. Senyumannya pun “kedengeran”, bikin pengen nelepon berlama-lama :))

Nah, setelah pacaran dan sering ke rumah Ica, aku nemuin satu lagi “fenomena” yang bikin aku mikir “Ah, nanti kalo punya anak mau diajarin gini juga!”. Fenomena yang sebenernya basic dan sangat sederhana, yaitu menyapa. Bapak, Ibu, anak-anak dan seisi rumahnya selalu memulai hari dengan saling menyapa “Pagi, Bapak. Pagi, Ibu.” Atau kapan pun kalo mereka baru ketemu hari itu. Awalnya aku agak canggung karena di rumahku ngga ada kebiasaan seperti ini. Dan aku pun harus ngasih tau ke orang-orang sekitar tentang kebiasaan keluarga Ica ini dan supaya sama-sama sopan, mereka pun sebaiknya ngelakuin hal yang sama kalo ketemu Ica. Setelah ngga begitu lama, aku pun jadi terbiasa. At first it felt like an obligation. But then it became like it was the most natural and a nice thing to do when I meet other people. 

Begitu udah nikah, punya rumah dan staf sendiri, urusan sapa-menyapa ini jadi salah satu hal yang paling ribet :)) Setiap ganti supir, PRT, tukang kebon dll, mereka harus di-brief dulu soal kebiasaan Si Bapbap ini. Sama seperti aku dulu, awalnya mereka bingung, malu dan canggung. Ini semakin membuktikan pendapatku bahwa kebiasaan sapa-menyapa ini ngga begitu banyak yang nerapin. Ngga jarang udah liat-liatan, mereka masih planga-plongo dan malah berlalu :)) Ada juga yang harus kena tegur Ica dulu baru mereka mau nyapa. Bukan masalah siapa yang duluan nyapa ya.. Ngga berarti dia supir terus HARUS nyapa duluan terus kita diem aja. Ya yang sewajarnya aja lah..

Nah, sejak Kukka udah bisa berinteraksi sepenuhnya dengan orang lain, kita juga mulai ngajarin dia untuk menyapa. Tentunya kadang-kadang kita harus ngingetin. Ngga jarang juga dia mogok nyapa. Dasar bocah. Tapi alhamdulillah makin hari, Kukka semakin manis. Begitu keluar kamar, kalo dia liat ada crew di sekitar, meski dengan mata setengah melek dia bilang “Pagi, Mas Muw. Pagi, Mba Santi. Pagi, Mas Wondo.” Sore-sore kalo keluar kamar abis bangun tidur, dengan manis Kukka bilang “Sowe, Mas Muw!”. Kita juga ngebiasain Kukka untuk selalu bilang terima kasih dan maaf ke siapapun. Alhamdulillah kalo nerima sesuatu, Kukka bilang “Thank you!”. Kalo nolak ditawarin sesuatu, Kukka jawabnya “No thanks!”. Kalo salah, even to her pet, she says “I’m sowwy, Kwazii!” :))

Seneng dan bangga rasanya liat Kukka kaya gitu. Aku juga yakin para mas dan mba di rumah pun ngerasa seneng, feel welcomed and appreciated. Nah yang bikin aku tambah seneng lagi, udah beberapa kali aku nguping para crew di rumah saling menyapa satu sama lain dengan suara riang “Pagiii!”. Padahal mereka ngga tau lho ada aku di deket situ.. Jadi mereka saling menyapa itu memang atas kesadaran dan kemauan sendiri. Crew ini tergolong formasi baru tapi sepertinya (SEMOGA) mereka cocok satu sama lain dan semakin hari semakin akrab. Semoga kebiasaan yang aku dan Ica terapin di rumah bisa bikin rumah kita tambah nyaman dan penghuninya tambah akrab dan betah. 

Opa and Neti and the grandkids: The Complete Collection :))

Terima kasih banyak atas ajarannya ini, Bapak dan Ibu. 

Semoga kebiasaan manis ini terus diterapkan oleh anak-cucu kami :)