Sunday, April 13, 2014

Is It Just Me?

Yesterday was my precious Godsend’s year end school performance. Like any other of her performances, it brought tears of pride in my eyes. But there was something sad about it too. 

This last month I’ve been feeling melancholy. Especially in the mornings and before bedtime. You see, since she was 3 years old, my morning routine always involves waking her up with kisses until she opens half of her eyes and then me carrying her to the bathroom and sat her down on the toilette. It was fine until I started having back pains and finally noticed that she already weighed 20 kilos :)) 

But it wasn’t her weight that made me sad. I distinctively remember that it was her legs that first stroked me. My baby’s legs are not chunky anymore. They’re getting longer and leaner. Sure her chubby cheeks and bottom are still there. But the juicy “meat” that used to hang around on her calves are gone and seem to be replaced by strong muscles. And Allah’s willing, this July she’ll be 6 years old. She’s growing fast. Simply too fast...

On good days I’m thrilled. I keep imagining how awesome my days will be having a big daughter by my side. We will go to the movies, sipping coffee, shopping, traveling, discussing about books and possibly debating about who and what is cool. I imagine my hands will be full, having to raise such a smart and witty girl. I’m preparing myself to be criticized by Kukka about many things like how I cut my hair or my choice of wardrobes. She might be embarrassed by my love for hunky movie stars and hard core music taste. I’m pretty sure Kukka will have mixed feelings when she reads my blog posts about her. And she’ll be probably extra annoyed by my obsession of taking-flaunting her pictures all over the place :D

But on “bad” days... Ah those days are dreadful... My eyes get teary and my heart achy. It seems that having spend 20h/day on school days and 24h/day on weekends together, is not enough. Not enough at all. To think that soon I will "lose" her to school trips or vacations with friends... Or college!! Is this how a mother has to feel for the rest of her life??? Huaaaaaaa ;((( 

And then the moment will come when I have to share, reveal and confess about things. Things that might upset her or break her gentle heart. About my life, hers and ours. About the people we know, knew, love and loved. The thought that she might be angry or judgmental about my decisions terrifies me. She might even love me less. When I think about these possibilities, I instantly wish that she could stay 6 forever...

But then usually my gloomy moments are abruptly distracted by a sudden scream, calling my name 10 times in a row. Or by a needy whine. Or a shocking question. Or a hilarious statement. And most of the time I’m simply slapped back to the present by adoring eyes and a loving hug. It’s like ALLAH SWT is reminding me to enjoy the present rather then worrying too much about the future. And most importantly I feel like He’s telling me to start noticing that I’m doing quite well and that my little girl is the living proof of it. 

Kukka loves to make me laugh and she enjoys to make me proud. She opens up to me and likes to share about her feelings. She apologizes for her mistakes and thank me for the little things I do for her. She's sad to see me sad and always comfort me with pats and hugs. And I'm sure in no time she'll be the one who protect and defend me :)

I guess instead of tormenting myself about the indefinite future, I should just keep doing what I already do best in raising Kukka. And with ALLAH SWT on my side I'm sure I can do it even better. 


Monday, March 03, 2014

Trauma Drama

I was listening to the radio while driving home after dropping Kukka off at her school this morning. The radio hosts had a very interesting guest. A hypnotherapist. She was talking about how a person who suffered from a mental block can be cured with hypnotherapy. She told a story about a female patient who couldn’t get pregnant after years of marriage. I didn’t get how this woman got the idea of undergoing a hypnotherapy but she did. So the therapist hypnotized her and off she went down the memory lane. 

She “arrived” at her past. A very very old past. When she was still in her mother’s womb. She remembered that her father cheated on her mother when she was still in the womb. Her mother was obviously depressed and furious at her father. The mother was so disappointed, she didn’t want to have anything to do with the father. And she despised the fact that she was carrying the cheater’s child. So, the mother kept hitting her swollen pregnant tummy and repeatedly said “I hate you! I hate you! I don’t want you! I don’t want you!”

Weeks later the patient got pregnant. Apparently because she already let go of the past and made the necessary chemicals in her body “healthier and happier”. But after 2 weeks she had a miscarriage. So she went to hypnotherapy again. This time she regained the memory of her parents having a fight in front of her. And her father pointing at her while yelling at the mother “It’s only because of this child that we are still together!”

And then she understood. All her life she’s been feeling unwanted, unloved, forever taken for granted. So subconciously she also didn’t want any child of her own. But again, I’m sure after extensive hypnotherapies, she successfully forgave and let go of her past. She became pregnant again and gave birth to a child. 


I sat still inside the car for 10 minutes. I couldn’t stop thinking how awfully powerful the human mind can be. How a single terrifying event can shape a person and the memory of it ultimately affects how she lives her life. How bad words, which had been heard and buried way inside the brain for a very long time, can still force every chemical and energy to react badly in the body. How the feeling of unwanted can be so destructive, mentally and physically. Hers and others. 

I think that female patient is truly blessed. Not only did she finally get a child, she also doesn’t let her awful past define her anymore. Therefore I congratulate her and I wish for her continous well-being. It takes an indefinite amount of strength to forgive and to let go. I want to tell her that she’s a very strong and courageous woman.  

And for that, I envy her.   

Monday, February 10, 2014

Dear Kukka: The Reason 

It was just one of those nights before bedtime. Out of the blue you asked me:

"Why did you want me as your kid? Why did ALLAH give me to you? 
Why did you want me, Bubu?"

It was just a simple and honest question, coming out from the most innocent mind. But I was completely stunned. Girl, you really did catch me off guard, here! I forgot how long it took for me to finally answer your question. I remember I laughed and hugged you so tight and you became irritated, impatient and you struggled to get out of my arms. Finally I said something like:

"Because I wanted to have someone who I could love sooooo much 
and that someone would love me back just as much."

Were you satisfied? Of course not. You sat on the bed and looked at me with a straight face. I could see another million of questions in your eyes. And I was secretly wishing that you would just go to sleep. And you did. But not me...

Since that night I couldn't stop thinking about it. Yeah... Why was it exactly? Why did I spent nights and days, praying if not beg, to ALLAH, for giving me the chance to have you? Why did I want a child so bad?

I remember I was so in love with your beloved Bapa. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And because I loved Bapa that much, I also wanted to have another person who was a part of me and a part of him. I was thinking “Oh wouldn't it be nice to have 2 persons who I could love lavishly for the rest of my life?!?” I think that was my first main and most shallow reason... There were obviously a thousand more. But I just realized it now that all of them are plain selfish. Anyway, I never stopped praying for you to come, in whatever ways and conditions.

4 years later... Well...look who finally came :)

A lot has happened since then. Good and bad. Things changed, for the better and the worst. My wishes, my prayers, my goals, my reasons of being and our life together have changed. And naturally, so does my answer to your epic question. 

My dear, my most precious girl,

I think it was never about whether I wanted you or not. It just so happened that I did want you very very very very much! And ALLAH did send you to me. But I think it was more about what I would do and what I would become afterwards. 

Would I be a better wife to your father and he a better husband to me so we could be the best parents for you? Would I be a good mother to you? What kind of values and life experiences would I give and share to you? If I had the privilege to choose, would I be the one who take care of you or the kind that let others do the "job" for me? How strong could I be for you? How far would I go to protect you? And most importantly, what kind of person would I be personally, for me?

If I was given the worst life scenarios, would I pick the right tool to survive? Would I pick the easy way or would I chose the hardest? And would I be on the right path if ALLAH gave me life's gold and glitter? Would I stay humble? Would I be a better individual? Would I at least try to be? Define "better"? Well, the usual standards. Devoted, honest, hard working, loyal, sincere, helpful, caring, brave, patient, smart, humble, careful, happy, fun, faithful wife/daughter/mother... Individual. 

See what you’re doing here to me, babycakes? You’re only 5 yet you already push me to think about things I might never would've thought before. And in a way you also force me to act and live as a better person. Now... Am I? Well I’d like to think that I most definitely am. And I believe that’s why you are here. 

ALLAH loved me so much He made my life easy 
and gave me something visible to hold on to. 


ALLAH SWT. sent you to give me lessons and choices. 
And through you I’ve learned a love that is grander, a will that is stronger 
and a heart that is braver. 
And I’ve chose to be and stay better, stronger, wiser and smarter. 

ALLAH SWT. is being too kind and merciful that while our life keeps changing, 
He had sent you to be, by far, 
the constant good in my life. 
So good that I should never have any reason to derail. 
No reason at all. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Allah says

My girl is a curious one. I don’t know about other kids but mine asks questions like you won’t believe. No, really.

My girl is an overly sensitive one. I don’t know about other kids but mine says things she’s not supposed to or could possibly know (yet). 

Sometimes her questions are so simple. But many are too complicated for me to answer. To make my life easier and to make a special bond between her and our belief since early age, I always try to elaborate the existence of Allah SWT. in my answers or statements. Like for example, instead of saying “I will be angry at you if you don’t finish your meal.”, I say “Allah will be very happy and proud of you if... Allah will say Hmmm Kukka deserves a big chunk of chocolate after her meal.”. Or one day she asked "Why is there a sun?", I said "Because Allah said Sun, shine! And help Kukka to grow tall, healthy, and strong so she can do those summersaults she loves so much." 

I'm happy to say that it's working really nicely. Because one time she asked me "Why was I inside your tummy? Did Allah buy me at the baby store and then make you eat me so I can be inside your tummy?". Sometimes it's so hilarious I couldn't do anything but laugh. Like our last night pillow talk:

Kukka : Bubu, why am I a girl? Why am I not a boy?

Me : Because...Allah said you’d make a shalihah woman when you grow up. A woman with a beautiful face and a very very beautiful heart. So Allah decided to make you a girl but with the energy of a healthy and energetic boy!

Kukka : Hahahaha! And why am I alone? Why can’t I have any brothers or sisters? I want 2 sisters and 1 brother!

Me : *blacked out*

Kukka : Why, Bubu?? Why am I alone??

Me : Because......when Allah was about to put you inside my womb, Allah said to me “Bubu, I’m going to give you a daughter. Just one daughter. And she’s going to have your whole heart. I don’t want you to share your heart with another child. Your heart is just for Kukka. Because this one is a very very special girl. Okay, Bubu? You have to love her and take care of her with all your heart.” Allah said that and of course I immediately said yes. 

Kukka : Hahahahah that’s so weird!! But why??

Me : Because Allah sent you to be my guardian angel. You are my godsend, remember? You’re here to be a reminder for me so I will never ever forget to thank Allah for everything. You're here to be the person who I love unconditionally, no matter what. Allah said to you “Kukka, be Bubu’s daughter. A shalihah one. Love her, take care of her, defend her. Be her reason to live and love only because of Me. Make her remember to say My name, all the time. Now, Super Kukka, awake!” And THAT’S how Allah made you Super hero Kukka and then put you inside my womb.

Kukka : WHOA!!! So cool!!! And then I was in your womb and I was swimming and then the doctor cut your tummy and pulled me out. 

Me : Yes! :)))


Kukka : But Bubu... Why don’t I have any wings?? Angels have wings, you know. 

Me : ... Pssst... Did you hear that?? Allah said it’s time to sleep. No more talking. Good night, babycakes... *covering my mouth with a pillow so she won't hear me laugh*

And that’s ladies and gents, is how I get out of conversations gone wild :)))

Monday, October 28, 2013

One or None

I have one child. Only one. And no, I don’t have any plans to add another. Unless of course Allah SWT. decides otherwise. But no. My one and only child is Kukka. So please stop asking or telling me to have another. I know your intentions might be well. But stop. Just stop. 

First of all, it’s rude. Adding another child or not is a private matter. You don’t know what a couple have to go through to have a child. You don’t know why a couple decide not to have another child or one at all for that matter. You don’t know whether there are any complications between them. You don’t know about their health conditions. You just don’t know and you don’t have any right to know. By asking this question you make the couple, or at least one of them, feel vulnerable. Some may even feel obligated to answer. 

Second, if “Kapan Kukka dikasih adik?” is your idea of basa-basi, you should stop right there. Seriously. I don’t need and never been a fan of small talks. If you don’t have anything say to me, then don’t say anything. Keep calm and walk away. I won’t be offended. If you are truly my friend, you will have many other things to say to me.

Finally, I strongly believe that not all mothers deserve to have their children. Having one only defines you as a person who could give birth to a child. But not necessarily a mother. A mother to me is a person who raises you, nurtures you, feeds your body and soul, listens to you, scolds you for your best interests, loves you to the point where it looks more like showing off, and protects you with her life without second thoughts. 

I only have one child but I dedicate my life to her. I’m giving her my time, my strength, my energy, my thoughts, my values, my knowledge, my fortune, my pride, my love. Unconditionally. I celebrate her well-being and I work hard to fix her flaws. I’m doing my best to raise Allah’s precious amanah. Meanwhile there are children who are practically raised by their nannies or gadgets, un/intentionally ignored by their parents, working or stay-at-home ones, rich or poor. If you can’t or won’t raise one child as best as you can, why bother to have another one or two or even three? 

I rather focus on raising Kukka so she can be a valuable person, to herself and others. I might not be the best mom in the world but Allah knows how hard I try every single day. I prefer to have ONE shalihah daughter than 2 or 3 children whom I can not raise well. Children who could grow into adults with no hearts and brains. Adults who betray, hurt, start wars or steal from other people. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what my daughter will do or be in the next 15 years. What life-changing decisions she will make and what kind of chaos she will create. But I do know that, in shaa Allah, every little thing I’m giving her right now will not go to waste. One day it will shape her into the person I wish she will become. A good one. 


Friday, October 11, 2013

Good morning, Tooth Fairy

Yesterday was a big day for my precious Godsend and I. She lost her first baby tooth. And how convenient! It happened just when she started to be fascinated by the Tooth Fairy from the movie The Rise of the Guardians. She had been asking me again and again with the same question for days: “When will my tooth fall out? If it falls, will the Tooth Fairy come to my house?” 

Well, it happened. So this morning I put 5 Rp 1000,- coins and 5 chocolate coins under her pillow. Each represents the year of her age, 5 years old (and 3 months). I woke her up and whispered that she should check to see if the Tooth Fairy came last night. Still with her eyes closed she lifted up her pillow. And then I saw that cute mouth of hers curved into a faint happy smile, still with extremely sleepy eyes :)) She looked at them, counted, took a chocolate coin and grinned at me 

“Can I eat this now???” 

OF COURSE! Why would she care about the Rp 5000 worth of coins??? Chocolate coins are sooo much better :)))

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Dear Kukka: Baby Tooth Out!

Oh my God oh my God oh my God!!! It finally happened!! Today! This morning! In the car! While we were on our way to school! While you were enjoying you crackers and cheese! It really did fall out! That sweet little baby tooth you’ve been pushing back and forth with your chubby fingers. It fell out! 

Congratulations, babycakes! Losing your first baby tooth is a big thing. It means you’re one small step closer to being a big kid. Just like you’ve always wanted :) 

But remember and please, please, please do understand that to me, you will always be a baby. MY baby :*