Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Mood Changer

What could change your mood for the better? Like...in a second. New shoes? A plate of a juicy steak? A simple “Hi” message from a long lost love? A shot of tequila? Hours of playing piano? A nice song with meaningful lyric? A passionate kiss from your loved one? Or a super silly meaningless convo with your besties? 

What?

Mood. A short and simple word. But oh how powerful it can be to affect how you spend a day in your life! Some people even proudly declare themselves as a moody person. I don’t know what’s so great about it but okay... Whatever. 

Me? Well... I consider myself as a moody person and I'm certainly not proud about it. I think a lot of people would agree :D Especially those who are close to me and know me very well. There are times that I can’t hide my mood. If I’m pissed about something...or someone, you could see it immediately on my face. And if I’m happy? Well... You could also notice it easily. Some say I smile more when I am in a good mood. Hmmm... Does it mean I frown most of the time? I wonder :))) And a lot of people also say that they can “see” it in my writings. That makes sense... Since I write a lot about how I feel... 

But... I think my mood doesn’t change that easy. I think. If I am in a bad mood, not even a kiss could change it. I could just do it for the sake of doing it. But it won’t change how I feel. Is that a bad thing? How about a pair of new shoes? Nah. I’m not exactly the kind of girl who’s into fashion. So... I don’t think new shoes, bag or even clothes can change my mood. So retail therapy is out of the list. 

Movies? I love to watch. Anything. Movies, news, talk shows, sitcoms or even cartoons. But mmmm.... Nope. I can spend a whole day having a movie marathon yet still feel shitty. Hmmm... What then?

Ah yes! Of course. Friends! But only the right ones! Not the kind who makes stupid jokes and annoying remarks. They have to be the kind of friends who could make me laugh until my tears come out and my tummy feels like it’s going to explode. They also have to be the kind of friends who I could have meaningful and useful conversations with. The kind who could fill my brain with interesting knowledges yet makes it feel at ease at the same time. Especially now. With me and my brain being....not well...and all.... What else?

................................... Being alone. Yup. I love being alone. At home or in the middle of a crowd. As long as I can enjoy some time all by myself. With a good cup of coffee, a delicious slice of cake or a bar of chocolate, a nice book, my diary and my Mac. That’s it. Those are my mood changers. Sadly it’s kind of hard to be alone these days. Since I CAN’T be left completely alone. So I guess that’s why I’m kinda (more) moody lately. The only time I can be completely alone is inside my walk-in-closet, where my vanity table is. Inside my walk-in-closet I can be alone with my Mac and my diary. Oh and my iPhone! Just in case my mood changes and I want to chat with someone, you know ;) But I guess that’s it. Oh how I miss spending some time all by myself!! Outside my walk-in-closet, obviously! #bigsigh

So....... I guess.... That's it. That’s how I change my mood. How do you change yours??? 


Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Stop

I don't know.
I don't know whether I'm getting better or not. 
So stop asking me. 

I don't know. 
I don't know whether I'm okay with everything or not. 
So stop asking me. 

Stop asking me things you probably already know.
Things you probably know way before I know. 
Things you probably know better than me. 

Especially things you probably know but want to ask me anyway.
Just for the sake just because. 

Stop.


Thursday, August 27, 2015

Smile

What are the things that could make you smile? A nice song? A simple hello from a stranger? A friendly pat from a dear friend? A romantic movie? A surprise phone call from a long lost love? A hug from your child? Or a kiss from your loved one? 

Smile. 

It sounds like a simple and innocent thing to do. But it’s not. Not if it’s a sincere one. The one that comes from the heart. The kind that comes unexpectedly and you do it unconsciously. A smile that you couldn’t stop doing even if you wanted to. A smile that is so wide it seems like there’s a beam of light coming out and blinding others' eyes. 

Smile.

Take a deep breath and just do it. Your head feels lighter and your body shivers from joy. Close your eyes. Can you see those happy memories? These lovely moments you are having? And those that you will share? Can you see the one you love? Holding your hands, stroking your hair, kissing your lips? 

Can you see those moments?
Can you see them? 
Can you see......................


Me?

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Psssst.....

I don't like giving advices. But somehow a lot of friends come to me and ask for one. I don't know why. I'm not exactly the type of person who can explain the things in my head loud and clear. I often have difficulties to find the right words. Or expressions. Especially now. Since there are at least 3 languages going on in my head. There could be 2-3 languages in 1 sentence without me even realizing it. 

I tend to have strong and different opinions on things. Different than other people. But yes, it seems that for some people, my opinions matter. If I DO give advices, I think very hard and choose the words very, very, very carefully. If I DO give advices, I try to be objective. I try to be in that person's shoes. What if I was in that situation. What kind of things I'd like to hear and not to hear. There are some phrases that I try to avoid, like:

"It's okay."
"You're overreacting."
"Don't cry."
"Don't worry."
"Don't think too much about it."

And so on. 

Why??? Well, have you ever think that the person DOESN'T have any choice but to worry? That she DOESN'T want to cry but it is inevitable? That she DOESN'T want to think too much about it but the problem is right in front of her face? 

So what do I say? Hmmm... Sometimes I say nothing. All I do is hug my friend. Tight. I let her burst some tears and tell me her fears herself. I keep quiet while she's spilling out all her anger into words. I stroke her hair, rub her back, kiss her head and whisper: "Just cry all you want. Let it all out. Your secrets are safe with me. I'm here for you. Anytime. Always." And then I hug her even more tight. Sometimes we end up crying together. But sometimes we end the sadness with a relieved smile. 

Of course this method doesn't work with a male friend :)) Not if I want to keep peace with my husband :))) So it has to involve minimum physical contact and more into serious conversation. That's why with a male friend it's.........rather....tricky. I have to be more reasonable but also give opinions from a woman's point of view. Which is apparently for men, is a very, very, difficult one to understand :p  But that's why my male friend needs me, I guess. Many of them said they like to ask me for advices because I'm a woman but I tend to think (and sometimes ACT) like a....man. Mmmm.... I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or an insult :)))) 

What's the tricky part? Well... It's tricky because it involves a heart-to-heart conversation. I notice that spilling out his heart is not an easy thing to do for a man. So if a man DOES do it, it means that he puts a lot of trust in me. Why? Because a personal conversation involves feelings. And for some men, showing feelings means showing vulnerability. Which is a big No-No :) Aaaaand anything that involves feelings can turn innocent relationships to..... Well..... Do I have to say more? :) 

But now something has changed. Many of the conversations I have with both female and male, start with: "Do you remember when I told you about...." or "Remember when...." or "You do know that I blablabla, right???" and so on. Well, sometimes I do remember but sorry, friends. Many times you have to refresh my memory before you spill out another story :)))))))))) But look at the bright side!!! My forgetfulness could be a good thing! It means that after you spill your heart out to me and I give you advices, you could just go home, feel more relieved and be absolutely sure that your secret is absolutely safe with me! Why????????

Because I might already forget about it the minute we say goodbye!!! :))))

PEACE!!! 


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Boyfriends Matter

Lately my smart little Godsend has been asking - talking about the same thing again and again. I don’t know where this subject is coming from but Kukka has been asking me about boyfriends. Yes. BOYFRIENDS. MY boyfriends. Well, EXES of course :))) 

It started with a simple convo. Well... It wasn’t THAT simple actually... One day Kukka asked me out of the blue:

K : Bubu, Bapa was your boyfriend, right?!
B : Well, yes he was!
K : And then you and Bapa got married and then you are Bapa’s wife.
B : .....Yes.... #startworrying
K : Did you have other boyfriends before Bapa?
B : ...........Why....do you......want to.......know??? 
K : I just do. 

Another day when I was checking my Facebook:

Kukka : Who’s that, Bubu? #lookingatphotoinFB
Bubu : Oh that’s my friend in Vienna. He was my boyfriend when I was young, you know. 
K : Oh, okay. But now you’re with Bapa because you and your boyfriend break up, right?!

BREAK UP????? BREAK UP????? HOW THE HECK DOES A 7YO KID KNOWS THE TERM “BREAK UP”??????? Okay, okay it’s my fault! I was the one who brought up the boyfriend part but...but... BREAK UP?????

One afternoon in the car on the way home:

K : So, Bubu. I want to talk about your boyfriend.
B : WHAT???? WHY?????
K : I think you had a lot of boyfriends. So it means that you broke up a lot of times. And then you met Bapa and you didn’t break up with him because Bapa marry you. 
B : Wwwwwwwwwwhat???? Why do you think I had a lot of boyfriends???
K : I just do. #whispering So, Bubu.... Don’t tell Bapa that you broke up with so many boyfriends, okay?! 
B : #speechless

And then the question got more intense when one afternoon Kukka asked:

K : You need to get married to have a baby, right, Bubu?? You can’t have a baby if you’re not married. I have to get married first. Right?? If I want a baby? Bapa married you and then you have me. Right?! I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. That’s where babies come from, right?! 

WAKWAAAAAAAAAW!!!! 

And these kind of questions didn’t just end there. There were a lot of others. Similar ones. And NO. The questions are not about S E X. Yet. THANK GOD!!! :)) But it does get more intense. I’ve always noticed that my girl is a super curious one... But I didn’t know these kind of questions would come this...soon. 

Aaaaaaaaaaand I don’t mean to be “superstitious” or anything like it buuuut there’s something else I’ve noticed. These boyfriends questions come right by the time I started to have contact with my ex boyfriends :)))) It’s so weird. It’s like Kukka is trying to remind me or something. That I HAD boyfriends but NOW I’m MARRIED to her BAPA. So, it’s like she’s warning me: “Don’t do anything stupid, Bubu!!” :)))) 

I know, I know. It’s nonsense. It’s dumb. But that thought did cross my mind. I don’t know what else to think. What I should do actually is ask her what she think a boyfriend is. And what does “break up” mean. Maybe the concepts that she has in her mind are different than mine. Ours. It could be more harmless. Maybe it’s just me who got too panicky. Maybe I should just ignore her questions. Or maybe.... I don’t know. 

What do you think???

Monday, August 10, 2015

SERVUS!!!

I don't intend to sound cocky here... But why do I feel that since I got sick, I think that the German-language wire in my brain keeps on zapping. Many times when I talk, there's one or two German words slipping in the sentences. Sometimes I can not even find the Indonesian or english word for it. I have to think hard. I even have to close my eyes while doing it. Just to find the correct Indonesian or english term for something that I am going to say. Sometimes I succeed. I wonder if the person who is talking to me realize it or not. Because sometimes I fail...

I like to read more articles in German language. I even intend to ask friends of mine in Germany and Austria to send me some German novels. Easy ones of course. Because my German language skill is actually not that spectacular. So far I have only one novel. The one I bought when we went to Austria years ago. A German chicklit so to say. And now I keep reading it again and again. Even though I already finished it. I think. 

I've been googling German language movies and tv serials. So far I haven't find one that I could watch online. I think I have to ask my friends too... I like to watch Deutsche Welle now more than CNN or BBC. Lucky me we have those channels at home. And to make it even more intense, lately I’ve been communicating with someone in Vienna, who is very very dear to me. We could chat in Messenger or replying comments in Facebook for hours. Odd hours of course. Since there’s a 5-7 hours time difference between Jakarta - Vienna. So when I’m awake, he’s still asleep. Or when I’m about to sleep, he’s having his lunch. :))

Anyway I don’t think this is a problem. At least I don’t see it as a big one. Right??? Maybe it’s even a good thing. Maybe I could use this odd situation as an opportunity to teach my daughter German language. Simple one of course. Although so far she’s against it when I mentioned that idea. Hiks... I will keep trying though... Since I already accidentally mention one or two German words to her while we are talking. And when I do, she would asked me “What did you say, Bubu??? It sounds so weird!” 

I told her that if she learned German, we could share secrets. Secrets that we don’t want Bapa to know. And while we’re doing it, we wouldn’t have to hide from him because he wouldn’t understand it anyway. Oh wouldn’t that be fun?!?! Having girl-talks. In German language. Anywhere. :)))

So far I haven’t succeed. I’m not giving up though. In the mean time I will try to sharpen my German language skill even more. Wish me luck!!! 

Or should I say, Wünsch mir Glück!! ;)


Friday, August 07, 2015

Danke, Du


In der letzter Zeit sind meine Tagen sehr schwierig.
Aber dann kommst Du wieder.
In meinem Leben. 

Ich danke Dir...
Für die süße Worte.
Jetzt habe ich jeden Tag etwas schönes,
Zu erwarten.

Ich danke Dir...
Für die liebe Kommentare.
Jetzt habe ich wieder einen Grund,
Zu lächeln.


Auch wenn ich verärgert bin. 
Auch wenn ich traurig fühle.
Auch wenn ich weinen möchte.

Danke, Du.