Dear Kukka - Guess Who

Every time I look at you I see the word “beautiful”. 

And then I smile.

Every time I hear your voice I capture the word “mesmerizing”. 

And then I smile.

Every time I hold you tight I feel the word “love”. 

And then I smile.

But then I cry.

I cry for all the fear and pain you had gone through. 

I cry for all the evil-doings and heartbreaks some people have done to you.

I cry for the past, the present and the future. 

If only I could take you to a place where you can always be safe and loved, where you will never know the word hate or experience any heartbreaks, where you have one particular person who you can count on forever...

And then I smile again. 

No, I still can’t take you to that place. But I do have someone who will love you unconditionally. A certain someone who will fight with all her might to protect you, your rights and your existence. A person who will take all the blame and the shame so you wouldn’t have to carry any guilt. Yes, I do have someone you can always count on. 

It’s the very same person whose life has forever changed since the second you’ve been born. 

Your mother. 

Serba-Serbi Supir

Iya, emang ngga beda jauh ceritanya sama postinganku soal pembantu ini --> Sebel. Titik. Tapi sekarang aku juga lagi sebel. Eh...sebel-sebel seneng sih! Karena sejam yang lalu yang disebelin udah keluar!! *diabolical laugh*

So, let's start by tracing back our history of drivers since 2006, shall we!?

1. Our first driver was Maman. Can't really remember his name. On the first month I splurged him with new shirts and everything. Partially because I felt sorry for him for not having lots of clothes. Selain itu juga supaya dia rajin ganti baju jadi deket-deket kita ngga bau :p Lupa gimana udahannya tapi seingetku dia tiba-tiba aja ngilang dan ngakunya ngga dibayar gajinya. Padahal dia yang masih ngutang cicilan handphone ke kita. 

2. We got Dedi from my aunt. He was once my cousin's driver. Clean, sharp, drove well, knew the streets and how to win hearts (read: kiss ass). But he got this annoying attitude. Singkat cerita, setelah beberapa kali bertingkah, akhirnya Ica nurunin dia di lampu merah depan Pasaraya and we drove home by ourselves. :)) Besok-besoknya baru ketauan bahwa ternyata dia suka pamer ke satpam kompleks bahwa dia nilep atau mark up uang kita. 

3. Mas Aji was probably the best driver we ever had. Nyetirnya enak, sopan, jujur, rajin, mobil luar-dalem selalu kinclong, dan lumayan tau jalan. So what's the problem? Well... He wasn't that smart jadi sering kena marah :D Lama-lama dia stress juga kali yaaa! Akhirnya dia yang resign. Sampe sekarang kami masih berhubungan baik (tsaaaaaah!!!). Dia juga beberapa kali bilang ke pembantu kita yang dulu bahwa dia pengen bisa kerja di kita lagi. Tapi sampe sekarang belum jodoh (lagi). 

4. Witono mungkin supir kami yang paling keliatan "pemalas". Selaen tergolong ndut, kalo ngapa-ngapain lamaaaaaa! Jalannya santai, buka pintu-nyalain mesin mobil juga lamaaaaaa! Agak lupa kejadiannya gimana tapi Ica was really angry at him. Kejadiannya tuh pas abis nonton konsernya Imogen Heap. Perpisahannya cukup dramatis. Dia disuruh keluar dari mobil dan pergi detik itu juga. Yang masih bikin aku suka kesel, handphone hasil menang doorprize pas reuni SMP masih ada di dia dan ngga dikembaliin!! Sekali-kalinya menang undian, eh hadiahnya malah diambil orang! Nasib oh nasib!

5. Naaah kalo Pak Rojak nih yang ceritanya ada sedikit di postingan soal sebel itu. Yang abis gajian tau-tau ngilang. But now I think I know the real reason why he left...

6. Pepen aka Pulung mungkin bisa dikategorikan sebagai supirku yang paling rock 'n roll, baik dari segi penampilan (gonjes) sampe kelakuan. Sebenernya dia tergolong ok. Nyetir ok, hafal jalan plus jalan tikus. Tapi ya itu tadi... Kelakuannya yang sok jagoan bikin aku marah. Udah beberapa kali ditegur jangan so'-so'an, eh dia masih aja kaya gitu pas lagi bawa aku and Kukka. On the way pulang dari Kalimalang, dia marah sama motor-motor sampe buka jendela segala. Yang ada aku yang ngamuk lah! Gimana coba kalo tau-tau malah mobil kita yang dikeroyok??? Orang sinting! Sent him home right after that. 

7. Perpisahan sama Wondo terjadi karena keadaan. Meski sering diomelin karena kebodohannya, tapi kita akur-akur aja. Kayanya :D Supir super alim (and I do mean alim like selalu pamit shalat sedetik sebelum adzan kedengeran) ini akhirnya pamit mau nikah dan cari kerja di daerah istrinya. Padahal udah lumayan lama juga dia kerja di sini... And the hell breaks loose right after he resigned. Welcoming a series of troubles:

8. Pak Subandi emang udah tua. Udah 50an kalo ngga salah. But I decided to give him a shot karena keliatannya dia masih fit. Ngga taunya nyetirnya ngga stabil euy :( Serem banget di jalan tol yang lurus dia malah ngagaleong kiri-kanan. Akhirnya dirumahkanlah dia! Setelah itu baru deh pembantu sama tukang kebun di rumah pada ngadu. Katanya Pak Subandi sombong banget dan genit! Sering pamer punya showroom motor, banyak uang, anak-anaknya pada "jadi orang" dan sambil godain pembantuku dia bilang bahwa dia pengen kawin lagi. Hih!

Supir No 9. (Asep) dan No 10. (Kamto) punya persamaan yang bikin aku langsung ilfil. They have 2 wives. Now that sounds like it's none of my business but trust me. It is. Contohnya Si Asep. Baru seminggu kerja, udah minjem uang atau istilah dia "kasbon". Beberapa kali izin ngga masuk dengan alesan ini-itu. Begitu ketauan ternyata dia punya istri 2, aku langsung "Oooooh pantes!" Sebulan setengah kemudian dia aku keluarin karena berbagai macam ke-error-an yang menyebalkan. Dan meskipun wujudnya udah ngga ada, masih aja dong nyebelin! Menurut supir tanteku yang pernah beberapa kali ngobrol sama Si Asep, dia bilang kerja di sini "Euweuh duitan." (Ngga ada uangnya). Padahal dia udah OVERPAID!!! *%!^$

Kalo Si Kamto ini dari pas interview aja udah semangat banget nawarin this particular pembantu. Katanya sama-sama kerja di tempat yang dulu. Di jalan si cewe ini nelepon dan minta ngomong langsung sama aku, which I found awkward and pushy. Jual diri lah dia lewat telepon. Aku mulai curiga. Aku suruh dia dateng untuk interview. First impression: sangat tidak simpatik. NO chemistry at all. Akhirnya daripada cape ngomong, aku tembak langsung "Hubungan kamu sama Kamto apa?". Eh dua-duanya cengengesan. Aku tanya 2x lagi, akhirnya tuh pembantu ngaku "Saya istri mudanya Kamto, Bu." Ok, no thanks and goodbye. That's all I need to know what kind of person she was. Sama Kamto juga chemistry langsung lenyap begitu aja. And I bet they knew. Puncaknya dimulai dari pagi ini, waktu ditanya kenapa mobil yang satunya lagi ngga dicuci. Terus lanjut sampe tadi jalan pulang dari sekolah. Dia SMSan dong cyiiin di jalan! Tegur sekali. Nyampe rumah, bukannya nurunin barang, dia malah asik nongkrong di rumah sebelah sambil nelepon. Tegur lagi. Sambil beres-beres di rumah aku mikiiiir setengah mati "Do I really want this guy to drive my kid and I to school tomorrow?" Eh ngga taunya dia yang buka front duluan :)) Aku sampe ngga inget exactly what he said but I remember I said "Alhamdulillah!" in a quite loud voice :)) Paid his 5 days salary and off he went. 

Jadi ya, based on my conversation with my Mom about Subandi, Asep dan Kamto, we agree that basically they are all liars. Kata Mamah, kalo sampe punya istri lebih dari satu, udah jelas bukan orang bener, jahat dan tukang bohong. Paling sedikit dia ngebohongin istrinya kan buat sama si cewe yang satunya, kata Mamah sambil berapi-api. Sama istrinya aja bohong, ya apalagi sama kita?! So, berdasarkan pengalaman yang menyebalkan ini, I'm going to ask 1 important question di interview supir berikutnya:

"Punya istri berapa?"

What Did I Do Wrong

This is a question I often ask myself whenever an unfortunate event occurs in my life. Especially when I think that I’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t you dare say that I’m one of those people who never think of themselves as the guilty part. I never say I’m never wrong. And I never push anybody to take part of my mistakes to make me less guilty. 

It’s ironic, really. Just when you thought you’ve done almost everything by the book so that you could make a new clean start, something bad happened. And most of the time, it’s because of somebody else’s fuck-ups. Yet the sky slams down exactly on your head. Not his or hers. 

I detest irony. I think it’s one of the many things in life that makes a person just want to quit. It’s one of the reason why a person thinks “Why bother?”. Like, why bother being good if you’re going to be treated bad anyway? Why bother being honest if you’re going to be lied constantly anyway? Why bother being faithful if you're going to be abandoned anyway? 

Sometimes I do think that the best way to survive in this world is to think only for yourself. Being selfish and ocassionaly cruel are the keys of survival. Act like you have nothing to lose and live absolutely carefree. Life seems easier and much more fun if you don’t give a fuck. 

But then again, is that the kind of value you want to teach to your child? 

Dear Kukka: It's about love

People say that if you loved someone, you would and could talk about the person you love every second in a day. Imagine if that love would last for a life time. It means that you’d be gushing about your loved one until the day you die. 

That is exactly what’s happening to me. 

As you know, you’re not the only one who has new friends over the past six months. As you’ve gained a lot of new friends in your new school, so did I. “The Moms”, you called them. You know, those are the people I’m spending my time with when you’re at school, whom I have breakfast with, share my thoughts and swap stories. Yes, sweetie. Every day :)) Sometimes you would ask me what I do with The Moms. Besides having a quite massive amount of breakfast and caffeine intake (on my side), stalking celebrities on Instagram and shop things which have the price range of Rp 50 thousand to Rp 2mio, we also do a lot of talking. About what, you asked me one day. Unfortunately there are some subjects that I can’t share to you just yet due to its inappropriateness. But today I just realized that most of the time, obviously, inevitably, free-willingly, naturally, and happily, we talk about our kids. 

About you. 

Like today, for instance. Again, for the gazillionth times, I was telling the story about how you came into my life. The process, the waiting, the hoping, the tears, the laughters, the whole ordeal. And you know, every time I’m reliving those moments, the more I realized how lucky I am that Allah have decided to send you to me. My closest friends once told me it all happened because I was commited and strong-willed. 

Yes, I wanted you. Very much. I wanted you so bad, it hurt. The pain of wanting you was more excruciating than all the things I had to go through to be able to have you. Oh baby, I would go through those things over and over again if I had to, in a second! Oh yeah, that’s me I guess. If I wanted something so bad, I just had to have it. Sounds familiar? :p

Well, look at what my persistence has lead me to?! Of course, to the most wonderful child in the/my world. You are the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow after a stormy day. The happiness molecules that were streaming in my blood when I had you inside my tummy must have been good for you. Because here you are, all happy and healthy, smart and cheerful, caring and lovable. My shalihah little Godsend :)

My love for you is big and my will to protect you is also as enormous. I have the size of strength and courage I never knew existed in me. And with Allah’s permission, I will use them to keep you safe and to make sure that you will get your rights and all the things you deserve. Whatever it takes. My own life, if necessary. So that you can value your life and live it to the fullest. 

Babycakes, there will come a time when you probably wouldn’t understand some of the things that I did or do or will do. Some might look unreasonable or even somewhat hurtful to you. But I hope one day you could open your eyes, mind and heart. I sure hope that one day you will realize that this... All of THIS is about you. Always.

Because when I'm with you, I'm living. Anywhere else, I'm merely surviving. 

Knock, Knock

There are only a few houses that I love and never get tired of visiting. My parents’ and my siblings’. Those are the places where I feel genuinely welcomed, loved, happy and somewhat peaceful. 

And then there’s one particular door that I would love to knock on. I never been there but already makes me miss it so much it hurts. 

It’s a place where I’ve been longing to visit since years.  

A house which I can only see in my dreams. 

Its beauty I can only admire through images.

Its magic I can only feel in my racing heart. 

And its owner I love beyond human words. 

I’ve been waiting patiently for the invitation. Patiently. Because I’m aware that impatience, anger and greed will surely get me nowhere. 

Especially to Your house, my Allah SWT. 

Doomsday Anniversary

It's inevitable not to remember. 
Consciously. Subconsciously. 

Which School Is Cool

I’m the kind of parent who believes that a child will accomplished certain things at certain ages. Like reading or counting. While encouragement is necessary, pushing her to learn things beyond her current limit, to me, is unfair. Sure, a child’s mind is a like a sponge. She’ll probably absorbs and memorizes things way better and faster than adults. She might be able to read at 3 years old while others still learn how to say the word “Mom”. But that doesn’t mean that she likes it. If she was an adult, she would probably scream “Hey, Mom! I’m stressed! I don’t want to learn how to read yet!” 

And my question would be “Is it really necessary?” 

I personally love to read to my daughter. I’ve been reading children stories to her since she was still in the womb. It is one of my ideas of spending quality time with her. Now that she’s 4 years old, reading together becomes even more fun. I love the moments where she asks funny questions about the pictures she’s seeing in the book. Or when she changes the characters’ names to her own name and the people she knows. Sometimes she would skips a few pages and makes up stories by herself. 

So I hope you can understand my frustration below. 

My daughter lives in this sad era where people/schools expect her to be able to read and count at the tender age of 4. When she was in preschool, she had to learn the alphabets, numbers AND expected to learn the (english) phonics by heart. She also had to be able to trace letters and numbers without any help. Not only that, her school expected her to color INSIDE the lines. Perfectly. Oh, have I told you that she was only 3 then? 

Now, my daughter has a free spirit. She’s kinda like...her parents :D “Rules” like those certainly didn’t suit her personality. I was lucky enough to be there at her side every day to notice that she wasn’t happy with her school. That she was stressed. What was the signs? Well, small things, really. But if you paid more attention to them, you’d know. Like how she often cried during showers in the morning because she didn’t want to go. Or how she would rarely tell me stories about her day at school. Sure, she had her share of fun there. But most of time she just wanted to out of the school with me. Either going straight home or anywhere else but there. I started to think to look for other schools. One school in particular. I went there and her name was unfortunately on the long waiting list. I kept looking while in the mean time tried to keep my daughter interested in her current school. I often asked about her friends, sung the songs she learned at school loudly at home like a crazy mother and patiently asked her to practice her writings. But I immediately let her play with her pet as soon as I saw a tear on her eyes. I also “taught” her some letters while she was pooping. You’d be surprise by the many letters you could find in the bathroom :p I also taught Kukka how to count 1-10 by counting the steps outloud whenever we found some stairs. 

And that fateful day came a couple of days before the school holiday. I got a call from Sekolah Cikal. They told me Kukka got a slot there if we were still interested. Long story short, here we are :)

I’m not saying that Cikal is the best school. But it seems to be the right one for my baby girl right now. Kukka is happier, smarter and always excitedly telling me stories about her friends and even her teachers. She proudly shows me how to write and spell her name all by herself and she already can recites 4 ayahs of Al Fatihah almost by heart. Her Bahasa Indonesia is also improving in a quite impressive pace :D She shows off her drawings to me every day and in her eyes I can see how much she wants to make me proud of her colorful swirls, which of course are OUTSIDE the lines :) I always tell her and show her how proud I am of her. And sometimes she would ask me first "You're proud of me, Bubu?" :)) 

Now I'm happy to say that my Little Godsend is happy at school. And do you know what makes my heart burst with joy? Knowing that she’s doing and learning all those things not because she has to. But because she wants to. 

"I wike Cikaw. I have fun." - Kukka Aiko, 4 yo