Saturday, June 27, 2015

Thinking, Wishing, Praying

I've been thinking lately. Yeah... Surprisingly I've been doing it a lot nowadays :)) I guess that's what you do if you "experience" something like....what I'm experiencing right now. You'll think a lot. About the past. About the present. And the future. At least you try very hard to....

Right now I'm thinking very hard about the past. What I've missed when I was....out...of this world :)) I feel like a lot has been happening. Good and bad. Never mind the good ones because everybody always mention it to me again and again. And I thank everybody for doing it. I'm sure it's because they want to make me happy. And I've been told that happiness is one of the cure to my illness. :) 

Now the bad ones... Hmmm... I feel like people aka family-friends, are hiding some things from me. And the heart never lies. I feel like bad and sad things have happened. Before, while or even after I was sick. I guess it's for my own good. Because I've been told that right now I'm still quite fragile. That I can't be burdened with things that could make me anxious. And sadly I must say it is true... These last couple of days I'm feeling very sad because I just remember that someone who I loved very very much has passed away. It happened 2 years ago but I couldn't remember how it happened. And now that I do, I feel like it just happened....yesterday. And now every time I think about it, I cry and cry and cry.... Actually shedding tears right now...as I type.... And after I'm finish crying, I will have difficulty to sleep. Which is actually not good for my health. 

Now that one is a sad moment that I can actually remember. The most annoying part is that there are some sad/bad things that I still can't remember but they're just *there*. In my guts. I still can't figure it out and nobody would tell me. I guess it's for my own good but still... It's annoying. Especially when I realize that people are talking about it and they would immediately change the subject when I join in. It's like everybody knows something but me. I feel like I'm a little kid who got sent to her room because the adults are going to have grown-ups conversations :)) 

I also have been thinking about the future. What lies in front of me. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Ah... The future... Who knows... I sure don't..... All I know is that I want to get better. That I want to be healthy again. Especially for my baby girl, if not for myself. I want to be healthy again because my girl is too smart to have a sick mother. She needs me to teach her things. Especially about life. I want to be with her when ALLAH SWT. give her the best things a girl could possibly have and to remind her that she should always be thankful for it. I definitely want to be with her when bad moments and people lurk into her life. I want to be able to tell her that it's gonna be okay. That she will always have people who love her to help her to get through the tough times. That bad things happen for a reason and many times it turn out to be a good one. And the thing that motivates me the most to be perfectly healthy again is my desire to be always by my Godsend's side. 

So I can always, always, always tell my cheeky girl 
that I love her. Always. 
Amen.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Dear Friend,


Yesterday a very dear friend asked me how he could make me smile to get through the days. Unthinkable days, as he called it. I asked why he asked in the first place. He said because he couldn’t imagine how hard my days must be. “It is hard, isn’t it?”, he asked. There I was. Being silent for a couple of minutes. Thinking of an answer. 

Finally I said, I don’t know. I’m not sure. How come, how is it possible, he asked again. You're going through something unthinkable, he said. Something that nobody would ever think of having. Well, that’s true, I said. And then I finally came up with an answer. 

I said to my friend, I think somebody once told me that I am not special. That what I’m having right now is not something extra ordinary. Because somebody out there, somewhere, is suffering worse than me. Somebody who lost one of his arms or legs, somebody who couldn’t wake up at all, or somebody who lost his ability to control some parts of his body. And then I said to my friend, compare to those conditions, what I’m having right now is....nothing. 

My friend was upset. He didn’t agree with me and asked me not to think that way. Because what I’m suffering he said, IS something. It IS hard. It IS, for healthy people, unimaginable. I smiled. 

Well............. If he put it that way, yes. It IS hard. But when I think about how many unfortunate people out there who are suffering more than me.... Well.... I guess I’m lucky. Very lucky. 

At least I still have my family and friends. At least I still have the ability to speak up my mind and control most part of my body. At least I still can afford to go to the doctor and get the best treatment possible. At least I still have.......... You.

My friend kept quiet. He didn't say anything. He didn't argue with me anymore. But he said "I still don't agree with you. But as long as you're happy..." And then he smiled. And then I smiled. 

And YOU... Thank you for reading my post. I hope you are here because you care. Or at least curious about how I am doing. See. I am blessed :)


Monday, June 22, 2015

39



Yes, I'm still here. 
Angry. By 
the nothingness.
And the unknown.

Yes, I'm still here. 
Oblivious. To the surrounding. 
To life.

Yes, I'm still here. 
Overwhelmed. With confusion. 
And love. 

Yes, I'm still here. 
Alive. Supposedly well. 
If not better. 




Yes, by ALLAH's will, I think I will still be here. 
Breathing. Praying. Thanking. 

To my ALMIGHTY. 
To my beloved. 
To my friends. 
To my family. 
To you. 


Wednesday, June 17, 2015

That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morrissette


That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

****

Wow... I always loved this song but I never knew that it would be... So............. 
................................................................................................................

Me.



Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Alhamdulillah....

Today I shed some tears again. A lot actually. And I still do. Why? Because I'm beyond happy. I feel so blessed. My long-awaited breakfast session with my girls was already great. But when my lovely friends gave me a 6-days-early birthday surprise, it turned out to be perfect. No, it's not about the present. And yes, of course like always, the present is perfect and very well-thought. Oh I know how the birthday-present-brainstorming is going in this group :)) I can only imagine how funny and super rempong it must have been. But no....


It's the attention my lovely friends are giving me. 
It's the time they've spent thinking about me. 
It's the love they're showering me.

From their thoughts, from their words, from their hearts. 


Thank you so much, my dear, dear friends.
No words can describe how I feel.
But I think the amount of tears I'm shedding right now 
is more meaningful than any word I can ever say.




Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Story of Me

So... Back then, when somebody asked me what was one of the most important things that I’ve been taking for granted all my life, I would probably answer....I don't know. 

But now, I will answer it loud and clear. It’s one of my abilities to use my brain correctly, which is to remember. Being forgetful is.... A pain in the ass. Pardon my french but trust me. Not being able to remember things, especially important ones that involve the most important moments, people or knowledge in your life, is hard. Really hard. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it’s.... 

Well it’s actually very hard to describe. I thought I could describe it correctly by writing it down. Because sooooo many people has been asking me the same questions like what's happening to you; what are you suffering from; how do you feel; how does it feel like; do you remember when blablabla; do you know that now blablablabla. Now I’m writing the answers down so whenever somebody ask me, I would just send him the link of this posting #LOL 

Let’s start with what am I suffering from. Please note that most of the sentences I write will start with the word: "THINK". Why? Read on and you will know :) 

Okay let's start with: I THINK my illness is called Autoimmune Encephalitis, which means there’s something serious going on in my brain. For details, don’t be lazy and click THIS. How did it happened??? Well in my case, unfortunately it’s still unknown. So as far as I know, it’s rare and there’s no cure yet. That’s why the doctors sent my body fluid/blood to Spain to be further examined. So I’m donating my fluids in the name of science :)) And like I said before, it’s very hard to describe. My ability to remember things is very random. For example I remember many things that happened in the past but I couldn’t remember what happened 5 minutes ago. And this goes vice versa. I thought the moment that already happened like 5 years ago, is happening like...now... Or 5 minutes before. Ooooooor I don't remember it at all. This is the best explanation I can give you about what I’m feeling and thinking now. 

As for my mental condition, my family said it has been.....very unstable. Especially when I was in my worst state. Apparently I was submitted in the hospital for a long time. I still have the scar from the IV tubes. I think I got it because I had it for too long and once I pulled the IV tubes by myself when I was having a seizure or an episode or something. And I think Hubs said there was blood all over me. You better double check and ask him because I could probably make these things up :)) 

I could be laughing out loud this minute and the next second I could end up crying uncontrollably for hours. And I also would see things that were actually not there. For instance I would swipe iPad screen....in the air :))  In short, it seemed like I lost my mind. Like...going crazy... Literally.  Why is this happening to me? Well... I wish I could give you a clear answer. But honestly I don’t know. What I do know is that I wasn’t always been the healthiest person on earth. I don’t exercise regularly. I often eat junk food. I took over-the-counter-medicines like they were candies and I don’t get enough sleep. But many also said that it’s happening because I’m under a lot of pressure. That something really bad had happened to me and made me stressed out. So I’m losing my mind because unconsciously there are things that I don’t want to remember. Things that I wanted to get out of my head. And well... What do you know. Voila! They’re gone! Along with other things. Important things. -_- 

It sucks. Really. You don’t want to have what I’m having now. And no, you wouldn't understand it either. Not when you are the healthy one. So be careful in giving me advices because I would probably respond with: "What the hell do you know?!" :) 

I almost don’t have any privacy anymore. Because I still can’t be really be left alone like completely by myself. Especially for a long time. Why? Because I could end up doing something that is dangerous to myself or anybody else or ended up somewhere...strange. And what’s worrying is that I can have seizures like...anywhere anytime. I’ve seen myself having a seizure on our home CCTV recording and man, it was.... Well let’s just say that I understand why the person who is next to me while I'm having a seizure would be terrified, panic and all. Because from what I’ve heard, it was scary. You don’t want to know the details. Trust me. It’s not a pretty situation to describe. And yes, I don't remember any of those terrible moments myself. 

Long story short, my condition was bad. Really bad. Now I’m recovering from it and it seems that I’m doing better. Much better. At least that’s what everybody is saying. I still have a lot of medicines that I have to take for like...2 years. I still can’t be left alone and thank God I have BiYeni, my aunty, with me all the time. She’s been taking care of me for months now. She’s my aunty, my nurse, my personal cook, my bodyguard, and most importantly, my friend :) The only thing she doesn’t do is bathe me :)))

Kukka? Well that’s another story to tell but so you know, my darling Godsend is fine, considering what is happening around her... But she knows that her mom is sick and she’s been my guardian angel ever since. Once when I was having an episode and there was saliva or foam coming out of my mouth, she ran to call my aunty and came back with a tissue in her hand. Can you believe that a 6yo could do that?? She really is a Godsend. My Godsend :)

Hubster? He’s been dealing with all the house work now :)) Paying bills and staffs’ salaries, buying groceries, taking care of Kukka from bathing to school projects and 6yo-girl-problems :D Basically everything. Whenever he whines about it, I just grin and occasionally pat his back. Now he knows what kind of problems a housewife and mother has to deal with everyday :)) #highfivehousewives! 

Back to me. I’m still confused. I’m still worried. I’m still sad. I’m still devastated. I’m still angry. I’m still ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 

Help......


Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Dear Kukka: Welcoming Stroppy Sevens

You are approaching 7. My friends with older children “warned” me about kids turning 7. It sounded like the “Terrible Twos”. And FYI you were NOT terrible when you were two. You were adorable! Now you are 4 months shy of 7. And I’m buckling up now for...a super exciting ride! :))

School drama: checked. 
Resistant to bluffs: checked. 
Teasing and being teased: checked. 
Having problems with friends: checked. 
Debating with me about silly stuff: checked.
Arguing with me with about important matters: checked.

I’m all about standing up for your opinion, babe. But widening your eyes angrily at me while you’re at it? Not nice. But hilarious! I almost burst into laughter when it happened but as a mother I just had to keep my cool. And your arguments? Some of them I accepted, but some which were out of the context and didn’t make any sense at all? They were just too cute not to be made fun of :)) 

But okay, let me be serious now. Honestly you are getting tougher for me to handle. And you are one of the few sweetest, well-behaved kids I know! I don’t know what’s going on inside your mind right now but I imagine it’s overwhelming. It’s hard to be a kid. I know. Now let me tell you this. 

It’s hard to be a mother too. Especially to an intelligent, witty, super curious and strong-willed girl like you. I’m pretty sure you will outsmart me in no time. You’ve been correcting your Nini and your dad’s english since 2 years ago. You've started to challenge my knowledge about our religion since 4yo. I can only imagine what you will criticize about in the next couple of months. My hair? My writings?? My rules?????????? You used to just accept my motherly lectures. Now you’re questioning and refusing some of them. Which later leads to me giving you the I-AM-YOUR-MOTHER look and the magic words: BECAUSE I SAID SO. Which you don’t always accept and then comes the never-ending YES! <--> NO! fight. It’s exhausting and frustrating for me. Seriously. 

Soon you will have even less fear of the list of consequences I’ve made for you if you break our agreement. Like yesterday, when you were grounded and had to sleep by yourself. You accepted it with 1 condition: I had to open the door a little bit. I agreed. I didn’t hear a peep and half an hour later you were asleep. Just like that. No drama. What happened to “You always have to sleep with me, Bubu. I will be very sad if you don’t.”??? I wonder if you've learned your lesson there since you took the consequence pretty lightly :))

I’m having mixed feelings here, kid. I’m excited and I’m looking forward to see you grow. I can’t wait to be able to share, do and talk about grown up stuff with you. But I’m also scared and very sad because it means that you will outgrow the baby inside you. The baby who I've prayed and waited for and love and adore sooooooo much... I’m so not ready for this. Not yet. Then again... I wonder if I will ever be...