Sunday, May 22, 2016

Hello, Old Me

Long time no see... 
I guess life finally hits you, eh?
What makes you decide to come back? 
Is it time? Reality? Happiness? Or heartache? 

So now that you realize that being yourself is the best way, what is it that you will do exactly? Do keep in mind that certain things have changed for the best. It means follow your intuition and passion but always remember that your actions will turn into a chain of events. Which certainly will in some ways affect your most precious one. And then one day or even sooner, your Godsend will ask you where, when, who, what and why. And by that time, you better have the answers already. 

While you’re preparing for the correct and truthful answers, do enjoy life. With your loving family, your faithful friends and most importantly, with yourself. Because of all people, you should be the one who knows best that... Well... Life is too precious and too short to spend by being somebody but yourself. Remember that you don’t have to be in a clique to feel good. You don’t have to dress or be someplace that you don’t like. You don’t have to own things just because the others have it. You just have to be you. Because once you fill it with the wrong things and the wrong people, it will not be very easy to detached yourself. To hell with others. Yup. You just said “to hell”. Or in german you’d say “Die andere kann doch scheißen gehen.” Hah! Feels good to say it!

And there’s another thing to look forward to. Unpredictability. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Yesterday you were weeping on your bed because you felt so lonely. Today all of a sudden everybody wants to be with you. Then the day after suddenly you are with him and only him. Talking, snuggling, reminiscing and kissing until the sun sets and rises again. Who would’ve guess, right?!

Hey, Old Me! Do remember that the content of your heart is for you to keep. Yet don’t forget to open it up at the right moment for the right person to fill in the existing void. Because many times that void turns out to be pretty seductive. There’s always a possibility to be lost in it and many times it actually feels good. Those things that broke your heart to pieces? It seems that they just vanished! Which will make you even more vulnerable and dangerous. Why?
Because along with it, your true self will start to fade away. 
Then after a while you will become this person you don't like and most sadly, 
somebody you used to hate. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

  • to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
  • to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
  • to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
  • to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
  • to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
  • to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 

Sunday, May 01, 2016

Siblings Yearning

Alarm! Alarm!! Alarm!!! You might have read my last post Why This, Why That. The one about how intense my precious Godsend has been asking me about babies lately. How parents “make” them, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides the baby to be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, etc. Now Kukka’s questions have evolved into wishes, requests.

People, my beloved Godsend is officially on this stage where she wants to have a sibling. 2 to be exact!!! #SiBubufainting. I can’t remember how it started but  Kukka’s baby questions have turned into a specific demand. Almost every day Kukka tells me that she wants a sister and a brother. Yup. 2 siblings. #SiBubufaintingagain. She even has names already!!!! #LOL 

One day we had a convo more or less like this:

Kukka : So Bubu, you already have a daughter, me, right?!?

SiBubu : Yyyyeeeessss.... #worried.

Kukka : So if you had another child, it should be a boy, right? A son, which means he will be my baby brother. 

SiBubu Mmmm...... Not necessarily...... What if ALLAH gives us a girl instead #stillworried.

Kukka : But if you do have a son, he will be my baby brother, right? What name will you give him?

SiBubu : ....................................Trent Reznor? 

Kukka : That’s your favorite singer!!! Cool! I love it! But it’s too long.

SiBubu : ...............................................Treznor?

Kukka : Hmmm..... Treznor Lawendatu. I love it!!! Now if ALLAH gives your next baby a girl, which makes her my sister, I will name her Kiki. No no! With a “q”. Qiqi. It's better. Is it a cool name??

SiBubu : .................Yes.... Very cool. 

So, ladies and gents, after having that convo, almost every day my daughter talks about Treznor and Qiqi #LOL. How she would love them, take care of them, share her toys with them, etc. When Kukka saw me giving away her old toys, she would say “No! That’s for Qiqi or Treznor! Don’t throw it away!”. When we stroll in the mall and Kukka sees something that she likes, she would say “Oh Treznor will love this!” or “I’m sure Qiqi wants this!”. Oh man!!! #LOL

Last night I finally asked Kukka why she would love to have a sibling that much. Her answer....and her expression broke my heart. Kukka said, with her sweet, super cute and please-give-me-what-I-want voice: 

“Because I’m lonely...”

I’ve shared Kukka’s latest request in my Twitter and Path accounts and most of my friends replied with funny comments. Aaaaaaaaaand all of them are on Kukka’s side!!! They said “Give Kukka a sister, Bubu!!!” or “Start making a sister and a brother for Kukka, Bapa and Bubu!!!” and so on and so on. All of the comments made me laughed so hard. I didn’t know what to say to her. Finally I said to Kukka that I don’t want another child. I only want her because I don’t want to share my love for her with another one. Then Kukka said:

“Don’t be selfish, Bubu. That’s not nice. 
You have to share. And you do want to make me happy, right?!?”

*Kukka pretending to hold her baby sister/brother*


SiBubu : Well..... Let me talk to Bapa, okay?

And that, ladies and gents, is how I got out of the conversation. At least for now!!! #LOL 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Why This, Why That

Lately I’ve been getting so many questions and I’m afraid that I might answer them wrongly. Some are easy, but lots are tough. I need to be extra careful in answering these questions because the person who keeps bombarding me with them is a very special person.... Yup. It’s my beloved Godsend. Kukka is officially in this stage now. The stage where everything, every time, anything, anytime, can turn into questions. Why, where, when, who, what. I’m not sure when this started but I can assure you that the questions get tougher each day. Random. Innocent. Funny. But tough to answer. At least for me. 

I think the first question that really startled me was about babies. One night while I thought we were going to have our usual aka standard pillow talk, out of the blue, Kukka asked me how parents “make” babies, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how they eat, where do they get the food from, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides that the baby should be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, why did ALLAH decides to make her a girl, etc. One time she asked me:

“You need to get married to have a baby, right Bubu? You can’t have a baby when you’re not married. I have to get married first if I want a baby. Bapa married you and then you have me. Right? I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. Or vagina. That’s where babies come out from. Right??? And why do some people don’t have any babies? Why do you only have one daughter? Why did you want a daughter and not a son? Do you want another baby? Do you want to have a son? Or another daughter? And why didn’t ALLAH give Oom and Tante X a baby? Why do some people have babies and some don’t?”

And so on and so on and so on. I must say the first time it happened I was like... What the....!!! I wasn’t really ready for those kind of questions. But then I thought questions about babies are pretty standard and I knew that one day she would ask me about it. So I took a couple of minutes to breath...and think...until I was quite confident with myself. So as I found myself fully “armed” with reasonable answers that are suitable for kids her age, I answered Kukka’s questions calmly. No. The answers didn’t involve storks carrying babies from a baby factory or magic dusts from the sky. I answered Kukka’s questions as real and as scientific as possible. And that are appropriate for her age of course. It was hilarious. Watching her expression as I explained to her was... Hilarious! #LOL But then the questions and comments got more intense. And totally random yet still about relationships! 

One time, out of the blue Kukka said to me: “I wonder why some of your friends don’t like each other anymore. As husband and wife. That’s sad.” I was startled and then I nervously asked her whom she was talking about. She said she was referring to some friends of mine who got divorced... Yet one of the most shocking moments for me was when she asked “Bubu, why does Nini don't like Om X (one of my ex boyfriends)? Will you do that to me too if I had a boyfriend one day? What if you don't like him?"

WAKWAAAAAAAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH. MY. GOD. In case you’re wondering, yes. My convo with my girl nowadays gets more and more intense! Typical girl talk. She’s starting to ask me about personal stuff, me as a mother and as a woman. And I’m trying to give her answers as real as possible. Why? Well... Because I personally think kids nowadays should and want to be treated as “real” as possible. They don’t accept make-believe answers anymore like we used to. They are more critical and curious. So I personally think it’s better to give Kukka real answers. Answers that she receives better from me than from somebody or somewhere else. I want Kukka to know that she can ask me about absolutely anything. That no questions are stupid and off-limits. That she doesn’t have to be ashamed. Neither should she hide her curiosity. On the contrary, I always praise her for being so curious. 

Which takes me to this point where I realize that I have to educate myself more about... Well... Everything. If I want my baby to come to me whenever she has questions, I better have the answers, right? That’s why I have to be in tune with current issues and the latest trends. Because I have one very smart and curious daughter here. Objectively speaking, of course. I need to be “well-armed” so whenever Kukka comes to me with questions....or back-talks, I’ll be ready. Oh God yes, I better be ready because before I know it... 

Teen years are coming and SiBapa will be like...  

Sunday, April 03, 2016

Dear Kukka: I Love You

Tonight, as I put you down to sleep, I couldn’t hold my tears to run down from my eyes. No, there’s actually nothing special happening. Today is just an ordinary day. Just like any Saturdays when we’ve decided to stay at home. Bapa is playing game (as we speak or better yet, as I type), I was vegging out in front of the tv and you were using your weekend privilege: playing computer game and Youtubing. Like I said. It’s just our usual way to spend our weekend at home. 

Then at around 11pm I’ve decided to put you to bed because I could see that you were actually already sleepy. Very, if I may add. But of course, when I said it was time to go to bed, you whined “But I’m not sleepy...!”. You said it with droopy eyes and sleepy voice. Then I tried to rock you to sleep. But you wanted to hug me instead while we were both lying on the bed. Good for me because... Sweetie, I think you’re getting too big and too heavy for me to carry and rock you like a baby. So there we were, both lying on the bed, with me stroking your hair while you were trying to find the right position to sleep. And of course, while doing it, you kept whining “I’m not sleepy. I don’t want to go to sleep now...” 

At last you found the perfect position to sleep: hugging/wrapping your arms and legs around me like I'm a bolster. You were hugging me so tight I couldn’t sing or even hum you a lullaby. To tell you the truth I even had difficulty to breath #LOL But of course, it wasn’t a problem for me. Actually I always love when we do that. And tonight that was the moment when I started to think...and cry. 

Meine kleine Engelchen, when I unwrapped myself from your tight hug and tucked you in the bed, I couldn’t stop looking at your sweet face. I couldn’t stop kissing your soft and chubby cheeks and your fine hair. I couldn’t stop biting and sniffing your smooth hands. I couldn’t stop “playing” with your super cute nose. I couldn’t stop looking at your pretty face. And that’s when I started to whisper in your ear: 

“I love you.” 

You are the most beautiful, sweet, lovely and precious gift that ALLAH has sent to me. I hope, wish, beg and pray to ALLAH that you will live a long, happy, healthy and blissful life. That you will never ever have to go through or even feel the slightest pain that I have to suffer. And if you do get problems and have your heart broken, which at some point in your life you certainly will, I hope they will only make you stronger and wiser. I pray that you will make the best decisions and that you will be surrounded by good people. And that if you do meet bad ones, they will only make you realize that you have to be way better than them. And baby, at this exact moment I finally truly understand the phrase “I’d take a bullet for you.” Because baby, that’s exactly how I feel about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

Kukka Aiko Farza, my baby, my precious Godsend. Ich liebe Dich, meine kleine süße Schatz. Du bist mein Ein und Alles. You are my strength. You are my rock. You are my forever love. You are my everything. 

Friday, April 01, 2016

Dear Kukka: Boys Make Good Friends

My sweetest baby girl,

By the time you read this, I would love to let you know that you and I are getting even more similar everyday. The latest “thing” is regarding friends. I’ve noticed that you’ve been playing with boys more than with your girls friends. It looks like you get along much better with boys rather than girls. And all I can say is... Well... I’m not surprised. Why? Because I also think that boys make better friends than girls. 

Why? One thing for sure: less drama. Boys tell you things as it is. They rarely act or say the opposite things about how they think or feel. Sure they like to tease you a lot but mostly it’s because they like you. Probably even a lot. That’s one of their ways to express their feelings towards you. Why is that? Well many of them don't think or even realize that showing that they actually like you and enjoy being with you could make things easier to understand. #LOL And if they don't like you, they would... Well... They will not play with you. That's it. No pretending, no talking behind your back. They will just choose other friends to play with. Which is a good thing because there's no point in being with people who doesn't like or want to be with you. But if they do like you, boys can be the best of friends you could ever have. They will help you without any hesitations or even questions. If you're lucky enough you will have friends who will be there for you, take care of you and some even comes to the point where they will be there for you and protect you, physically and emotionally. 

Another thing about boys. If you're lucky, you would meet those who are fun AND funny. Some boys can be so fun to be with and they can do or say things that can crack you up. For example I consider myself lucky because I have some friends who are so funny they make me laugh until my tummy hurts. And of course, there's Bapa. He makes us laugh so hard like a lot, right? :) I've been with him since...forever. Yet even to this day he still makes me laugh until tears coming out of my eyes. Or just like your friend, Mika. He’s been friends with you since... I’m not sure but everyday after school you tell me stories about how your day was at school. And Mika, he seems to be always “around” :) One of my favorite moments with you is before bedtime. That’s when you tell me stories about what happened at school and mostly you’re telling me stories about what you did that day with Mika. Mika this, Mika that. Like that night when you told me stories about how Mika “choked” you or that he called you “Poopy Head”. That everytime after he teases you he laughs outloud and runs away. And then you scream for help to your teachers: “Miiiiisssss! Mika said #blablabla to me!” or “Miiiiisssss! Mika did #thisandthat to me!”. But you’re telling me the stories with a happy and amused face. Many times I can't really understand you because you're telling me the stories while you're laughing. By the way I have a video recording for evidence, just in case you’re wondering if I’m making these things up :) And from the look of Mika’s worried/scared face whenever he sees me, I believe in your stories! #LOL

Anyways, another thing is (most) boys don’t whine or cry. I consider myself a very lucky mother because you are not a cry baby. Sure, you do cry. Lately more than you used to, sadly to say. Especially at school when I’m not around and with reasons that are actually pretty lame. But still. You are not an annoying and spoiled cry baby/girl. Just like your Bapa always says “Dia tuh anak baik lho!”. So maybe that’s also a reason why boys like to play with you and vice versa. Because you’re a nice and cool girl. If they tease you, you just chill, laugh and rarely cry. So you see, boys can be a good influence. Because you play with them a lot? :p 

By the way I’m talking about most boys, okay?! Not all of them behave the same way. Some boys are cry babies too. Especially overprotected and spoiled ones. And grown-ups? Well... Men are another thing! #LOL We can talk about them later when you’re................................................................17? :p

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Wien, Ich Komme!!!

I’m starting to write this post with a smile. A wide smile. A wide and happy smile. Yet also with a hint of sadness in my heart and tears in my eyes. Yes, you’re right. I just got back from my favorite city. I’ve just returned from Wien, Österreich. 

It all started with Ernst’s idea to have a Hauptschule reunion. A proper one. Complete with the teachers and both classes, A & B. I don’t remember how it started but yeah... It was his idea. Or as he called it, it was HIS project, HIS baby. The second the date was set, Ernst started to nag me everyday. He wanted me to come. He really wanted me to come. He said everybody expected me to come. I told him it was impossible. First of all because of my health. Second, the expense. Third, I had to have someone who’d accompany me. But yeah, I still tried. I thought what do I have to lose. 

Long story short, Ernst’s nagging sessions paid off. It turned out I could come to the reunion!!! First, I asked my husband and what do you know... He said okay!!! The second person I asked was my doctor and she said okay too!!! She even said that it was a good idea. Traveling and meeting with my old friends could do me good, she said. So that’s it! The next thing I had to do was to find the right friend to accompany me. After a serious consideration and discussion with Hubster, I chose SiTante Erna, my longtime girl and Hubs’ confidant. From that on it was pretty chaotic. I had a lot of things to prepare but I did it excitedly. When everything was settled, tickets and visa and all, I told Ernst the news. There was silence from his side for a couple of seconds and then... He screamed!!! Loud. Very loud. Almost busted my eardrum :))

And then the time came. On March 3rd SiTante and I arrived in Vienna. And there he was, Ernsti, already waiting for us by the Ausgang. I was sooo happy to see him. After a tight big hug between us and proper introduction between SiTante and Ernsti, we drove to the apartment where we would stay for the next 10 days. It was a nice small apartment which was perfect for the both of us. Ernsti showed us how things around the apartment worked and then he left us to rest. And man did we need it!!! SiTante and I dozed off like we haven’t slept for days. Well, we practically hadn't with the time difference and all... But since then everything was great. SiTante and Ernst got along very well. Too well actually #LOL The chemistry between them was awesome. I was so grateful I brought the right friend with me. The language difference between them didn’t matter. From Day One they already teased and made fun of each other. All I had to do was laugh and occasionally save SiTante from Ernsti’s “bullying”. But yeah... The two of them became friends in a sec. Their friendship already involved shouting-yelling and making fun at each other, shoving and even lifting-up-and-throw-down on Ernsti's side #LOL

Then the night came. The reunion. The long-awaited “Klassentreffen”. I was so excited yet also nervous. I practically begged Ernst to stay by my side the whole night because I was scared. But he said he wouldn’t do it. On the contrary he said he would ignore me and stayed away from me so that I would spend time with the others. At first I was upset but then... Well what do you know?!? I had sooo much fun!!! And I wasn’t even a second being clingy to Ernsti!! #LOL But what made the night even greater for me was the fact that everybody still remembered me and they expected me to come. They were very happy and thankful that I came. Frau Maresch, my class teacher, was hysterical when she saw me. Frau Löffler, my PE teacher, was so happy to see me she practically squeezed me. After that the kids came. Some I still remember, some changed so much I had to ask for their names :)) Especially the one from the B Klasse. But from my class, A Klasse, I had no problem to remember. My favorite boys, Nenad and David, my girls, Susanne and Monika, Tanja, Sonia, Bettina, Zeljko, Kathrin, Cemile, both Alexanders, Frau Tomecek, and many others! They were all there! The reunion was a success!!! I didn’t expect to see them all in one place like that. And the most surprising thing was my German was good!!! Everybody understood me!!! #LOL I think I used minimum english word that night. In short, the reunion was a blast. 

So having the stress of arranging the reunion behind him, the next days Ernst took SiTante and me out around Vienna. We visited the Schönbrunn, Donau, Prater, Rathaus, etc. We couldn’t visit a lot of places because Ernst had to work but SiTante didn’t care much about tourist sites. Every day before Ernst picked us up, SiTante went shopping for shoes!!! She said she’d be out to go jogging but then... She came with 3-5-6 until 12 boxes of shoes!!!! #LOL Thank God I chose to stay at the apartment, watching tv and sipping coffee!!! As for my health, I had minor episodes but it wasn’t bad. No seizures whatsoever. I just had to rest for a while and then everything went back to normal. On March 8th there was a surprise. A very lovely surprise. SiTante and I woke up in the morning and saw snow flakes falling from the sky :) We were sooo excited because we didn’t expect to see any snow since it was already March. But there it was. SiTante’s first encounter with snow. It wasn’t much but it was still pretty. On March 10th, I met Susanne, Monika and Alexander Dietrich for dinner. It was very nice to see them again since the day after would be my last day in Wien. 

Then it came. The day when we had to go back to Jakarta. On March 11th morning Ernst, Alysha, Lena, SiTante, David and I went for a superb lunch and some coffee in Donau Zentrum. After that David and I said our goodbyes. It was so sad but I was also very happy being able to meet this bad boy before I flew back home. After that it was time for us to go to the airport. And yeah... It was really time. I gave Lena and Alysha big hugs and showered them with kisses. These sweet, sweet girls... I’m so looking forward to see them next year, hopefully in Jakarta. I didn’t expect it but yeah... Saying goodbye to Ernsti and his girls after 10 days was hard. As SiTante and I went inside the gate, Ernst and his girls made funny gestures, shouted goodbyes and blew kisses in the air. People were looking at us. It was like a scene from a movie #LOL Tears were running down my cheeks... I couldn’t control it. Lucky me a nice lady next to me gave me a tissue. I was still shedding tears when the plane was already between the clouds.  

And so that’s how my adventure in Vienna ended. The closure was sad, sweet, beautiful and certainly worth to remember forever. Last but not least, I would like to thank Ernsti for being such a sweet, sweet friend and a great host. And of course thank you to my lovely SiTante, for taking care of me and being with me, all the way from Jakarta to Vienna, in sickness and in health. 

Ich liebe Dich.