Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Momentum

 noun | mo·men·tum | \mō-ˈmen-təm, mə-\

: the strength or force that allows something to continue or
to grow stronger or faster as time passes

  

Someone who is very close to my heart recently reminded me that NOW is my MOMENTUM and that I need to ride on it. What he meant with now is me in my current state, physical and emotional. At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t even understand much about what the heck momentum is. But after spending a lot of time digesting about what he said to me, I started to get it...

Why did he say that now is my momentum? Well... I think all the drama that has happened and still happening in my life, health and personal life wise, is another way of how life is giving me clues that now is the time for me to keep on moving, to grow stronger. And it seems that health wise, I am getting better. As a matter of fact I do have less seizure attacks. At least now I can see the pattern or the causes of the seizures. It’s almost 95% certain I will have seizures when I’m physically or emotionally exhausted or in pain. As on the personal life wise... Now I also look and feel very much at ease and happier. Objectively speaking. Why? Well... I’m not so sure about this but maybe mostly it’s because I don’t remember my problems??? Does it make any sense at all? Well whatever it is, it's working! #LMAO And it's also because now I can see who my real friends and family are. They are those who still stand by my side, no matter what happens. They are those who are helping me to get through, or better yet, riding along on this exciting "episode" of my life... Not running away or even worse, blaming it.

Anyways... This momentum is supposed to help me to have a new and clear mind. My dear friend said imagine as if my brain/mind is a computer which is currently rebooting or defragging. Which...I guess it’s a good thing? #LOL With a “fresh” mind, I’ve been given a chance to start thinking about things differently, to have a different perspective, to be better from every angle, to be more mature, to act wiser and most importantly: to be stronger, physically and emotionally. And I think... I sure hope... I'm getting there. 

Recently once or twice, my friend said to me that whenever we spend some time together, he doesn’t see anything different in me. He said he still sees me as the Farika he knows for 25 years. Yes. That’s how long our friendship has been. For 25 years our relationship has been on and off. There are cycles in our friendship. Meaning there are moments when we didn’t have any contacts at all. But the second we do have communication with each other, it’s always intense. So I guess it’s pretty safe to trust his judgement about me because he does know me very well. Too well actually. So when my friend says he sees nothing different in me, it means that I'm back in the game, people! Even better! I'm riding on my momentum. But most importantly it also means that my defragmentation is complete!!!  

Now can I get an amen??? #LOL 


Saturday, July 16, 2016

Dear Kukka: Happy 8th Birthday!!!

Excuse me but can you tell me again how old you are now??? You are eight years old??? Are you sure, baby?????? I mean... 8????? I’m sorry but I’m having a very hard time to believe it. I know, I know. I say that every year but... Come on!!! EIGHT????? 8???????????????? This year we celebrated your birthday at Oakwood Premier Cozmo Jakarta. I think this is going to be our usual place to celebrate our special occasions. Why? Well... Because so far it has everything we want. Nice place and good food. That’s it. 

Anyways, there was an extra happiness going on this year. Uncle Ferry had spent 2 nights at our home before and that event alone had already made you, made US, very very happy. You had a great time playing with Uncle Ferry, Bapa had a partner to play his favorite online game and I? I had the chance to see two of my beloved people, my baby brother and my baby girl, snuggled up and snoring together from night until the next afternoon. Too bad Uncle Ferry couldn’t be there on your birthday morning. But at least you guys had a great swimming time together before he went home. And I had a superb quality time with your beloved uncle. We've shared moments that we'd probably very difficult to repeat... Especially when he's going back to his campus. Let's just hope he'll finish his study very soon so he can be with us again.

Now about your birthday... Bapa, you and me. No fancy party, no fuss, just us. You were very excited when you found out that we were going to spend a night at a hotel. We could’ve spent more days but Bapa had to go to Bandung to attend his high school reunion. Anyways, the minute you set your feet inside the hotel building, you were very excited. And on your birthday morning... When Bapa and I woke you up and sang you Happy Birthday... You were so surprised. Even though we only brought you a cheese quiche from Starbucks, decorated with a single candle, your eyes sparkled and your smile was so wide. You kept saying “This is the best birthday ever! You are the best parents! I love you!” And then you hugged and kissed me and Bapa. Now tell me!!! Which parents don't feel proud to have such a loving and grateful daughter?!


Dear Kukka, 
You are the most precious daughter parents could ever wished for. 
There's no day passes by without us thanking ALLAH SWT for giving you to us.

The most beautiful, smart, grateful and loving little girl. 
Our beloved Godsend... 
Our pretty Si Baiyi...


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Surprise, Surprise!!!

Exactly at 00:00 I received a surprise from my babies. They brought me a chocolate birthday cake with a flickering candle and they sang Happy Birthday to me. What a surprise!!! My eyes were immediately teary...

After receiving birthday hugs and kisses from them, they gave a present, with two things inside. Cooking books!!! Hahahahaha! This was such a surprise!!!! One is called Indonesian Kitchen: 300 popular recipes across the archipelago and the other one is Fancy Cookies!!!!! I was laughing because I didn’t expect these and I also was laughing and got teary eyes because.... I mean... Cooking books???????? Does my husband really think that my cooking is or can be THAT GOOD?????? Hahahahahaha!!!! I’ve been cooking him home made food lately and so far my husband likes my cooking. Since then he’s been encouraging me to cook even more often. But I never thought he would think that I could be this good #LOL I mean, come one!!!! Indonesian recipe book??? Indonesian dishes are probably the most difficult ones to cook! But I guess Hubster has that much confidence in me, eh?! After having some birthday cakes we went to bed. And.....................................

When I woke up again this morning, I saw another surprise on the night stand beside me!!!! Oh my God I didn’t expect this at all!!!! I hugged and kissed my love ones and I laughed and laughed and laughed!!! Because I was really, really surprised and also because of the writing on the envelope!!! I was too surprised and too excited to open the present. But then I finally did it. And.....................................................

I laughed again! So hard and even more surprised!!!! A rose gold iPhone 6 SE!!!! The exact type and color I’ve wanted!!! I’ve been whining about wanting this to my husband. I've even browsed about it on the website in front of him! But Hubster always scolded me and said that my current iPhone is still good enough. And that there’s no point of getting a new one, which is true. But now??? I have it in my hand!!! So THIS is the real deal!!!! Hahahahahaha!!! After all these years, my loved ones, especially the big one, can still surprise me.

My babies, thank you soooo much for everything yaaaa! 
Both of you make me really, really happy and feel blessed. 
Not only today, but always. 
And hopefully I can give both of you even more love and happiness in return. 
Kisses!


40

40 years I’ve been living and...man!!! What a life it has been! From the moment I was born to the second I typed the last word on this blogpost, 40 years later. 40 special years. Yes, friends. It's passed midnight. So I guess I could claim that today is  officially my 40th birthday. Horray. Does it feel special? Well... define “special”. 

Contrary to some people’s belief, if not the birthday celebration itself, I think at least you yourself have to believe that your life IS special. That what has happened to you is special. That YOU ARE special. Yes, other people experience the same or even worse things than you. So what??? It doesn’t mean you're not allowed to think that you are special. So do I think I’m special? Yes. I do. 

But this time I’m not feeling any kind of... Hype. It’s a special day but there’s no excitement. It feels like... Another year has just passed by. It’s kind of sad, actually. Since I think I’ve always feel excited when it comes to celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and stuff. But not this time. Does it have to do with being 40? 

Talking about special. I think considering that you yourself are special has significant effects. And to me personally it has 2 different meanings and effects. Special in a good way and in a bad way. The bad way is that I feel especially less. Worthless. Unlucky. Miserable. Lost. Unattractive. Clingy. Unworthy. Vengeful. Unwanted. I also feel that 40 years has passed just like that. In fact, in some ways I feel like my life is going back and forth. That it has a certain cycle. And this time I’m currently at the bottom. Or not?

Then again... Being 40, after all the drama I’ve been through and some are still on going, ALLAH SWT. has given me another chance to live. Not everybody is as lucky as me. I do believe that. So I think it’s pretty safe to say that I AM SPECIAL. Which means I’m also currently... at the top? Confused? Tell me about it!!!!!!

And also that at this age I have a healthy and smart 7 year old daughter whom I love to the moon and back. And she loves me too. Very much. That’s what she keeps telling me everyday. While hugging and kissing me. So... I MUST BE SPECIAL to have earned this honor and responsibility to take care of such a beautiful human being from ALLAH SWT. And with all the ups and downs that every human being has and will go through, I'm still here. Surviving. No. Enjoying.  

And the list goes on and on and it turns out there are too many things to mention. Good... No. Great things. But the bottom line is this: 

I am special. 
And I'm thanking you for making me feel this way. 
Yes, you. 

And YOU, of course. 
My Great and Almighty. 
Thank You.


Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Dear God: Thank YOU

For what? Oh... Nothing new, really. YOU know I'm currently lying down beside my Sleeping Beauty. My Godsend. My greatest gift from YOU. And yes. I am aware that YOU know everything (even before I do!!!) what I'm going to write here but I'm going to write it anyway. For YOU. 

My greatest love just drifted off of to sleep minutes ago. In my arms. Yeah... That's how lucky I am. I have one Sleeping Beauty here cuddling in my arms. Just before she closed her eyes and snored softly, she hugged and kissed me and said "I love you, Bubu." 

Yes. I am THAT lucky. And now, as I'm typing this blogpost, I keep looking at her super sweet face. Yes, thanks to YOU, I can do both things at the same time. Now I'm thinking... How can one be so... Sweet-looking. I'm afraid to say the word "perfect". Although as YOU know, that is the exact word that I have in my head. Well, I know I am her mother but... Just look at her! Those plump cheeks, those pink lips, and that super cute nose... Such a beauty YOU've created here and YOU're giving her to me!!! What did I do to deserve her? What have I done to get this honor to take care of her? As far as I can remember, I've been a pretty chaotic person yet YOU still giving her to me??? YOU're giving me the chance and duty to be her mother??? What have I done to deserve such honor?

Dead God, 
I'm looking at my sleeping Flower Girl, the flower of my life, and I can't stop smiling. It's weird that since I got sick, there are things that I can't remember eventhough it just happens a minute ago. Yet right this second, I do remember how much I've wanted to have this precious girl in my life. I do remember what I had to do and have gone through around 7 years ago. To have her finally in my arms... I do remember all the pain and anxiety that I felt just to have her now snoring beside me. 

Now I'm worried... What if I failed? What if because of my lack of ability as a mother, my girl becomes a failure? What if my decisions crushed her confidence? What if my past-present-future mistakes made her suffer? What if she hated me for it?

Anyways, the positive side of me can't hardly wait to have her as my bestie. I assume that's why YOU're sending her to me, right? I mean, she's 7 now but the stuff she's been asking and talking about with me lately? Totally girlfriends material :))) Sometimes some things even creeping me out. It's like she could totally read my mind AND heart. I thank YOU so much for making her so smart and super sensitive and all, but please please please don't let her grow up too fast. Please give me more time to take care of her and not the other way around. Like she's always telling me in recent times... YOU know... Whenever she hugs and kisses me lately, she says: 

"Don't worry, Bubu. I'll take care of you. I love you."

Dear God, please please please give me more time and let me have the chance to be the one who says: 


No, baby. I love you and I will take care of you. 
Always, my Sleeping Beauty. 
Always. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Hello, Old Me

Long time no see... 
I guess life finally hits you, eh?
What makes you decide to come back? 
Is it time? Reality? Happiness? Or heartache? 

So now that you realize that being yourself is the best way, what is it that you will do exactly? Do keep in mind that certain things have changed for the best. It means follow your intuition and passion but always remember that your actions will turn into a chain of events. Which certainly will in some ways affect your most precious one. And then one day or even sooner, your Godsend will ask you where, when, who, what and why. And by that time, you better have the answers already. 

While you’re preparing for the correct and truthful answers, do enjoy life. With your loving family, your faithful friends and most importantly, with yourself. Because of all people, you should be the one who knows best that... Well... Life is too precious and too short to spend by being somebody but yourself. Remember that you don’t have to be in a clique to feel good. You don’t have to dress or be someplace that you don’t like. You don’t have to own things just because the others have it. You just have to be you. Because once you fill it with the wrong things and the wrong people, it will not be very easy to detached yourself. To hell with others. Yup. You just said “to hell”. Or in german you’d say “Die andere kann doch scheißen gehen.” Hah! Feels good to say it!

And there’s another thing to look forward to. Unpredictability. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Yesterday you were weeping on your bed because you felt so lonely. Today all of a sudden everybody wants to be with you. Then the day after suddenly you are with him and only him. Talking, snuggling, reminiscing and kissing until the sun sets and rises again. Who would’ve guess, right?!

Hey, Old Me! Do remember that the content of your heart is for you to keep. Yet don’t forget to open it up at the right moment for the right person to fill in the existing void. Because many times that void turns out to be pretty seductive. There’s always a possibility to be lost in it and many times it actually feels good. Those things that broke your heart to pieces? It seems that they just vanished! Which will make you even more vulnerable and dangerous. Why?
Because along with it, your true self will start to fade away. 
Then after a while you will become this person you don't like and most sadly, 
somebody you used to hate. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Back From The Dead

You know in those movies or stories where there’s a person, a bad person, who was doing bad stuff... And then she got into an accident or something horrible... Then she ended up in the hospital... Or lying on the street... Slowly hearing the voices around her disappearing... And then she died? Or not. Similar to the scene when Jon Snow was lying on the ground (for Game of Thrones freaks only!). But then she came back to life! Suddenly she heard this “voice” that guided and told her to come back. Then the voice kept telling her to do this and that. Things she never have done before or think capable of doing. Then later on she decided to do those things and went to places she never imagine of going,...and so on. 

Well.... I’m just curious. The thing is... As far as I can remember... There was no voice. At least not in my case. And yes obviously, I’m still alive! It’s just that... It’s very confusing and really hard to describe. Things are still weird for me right now. There are still so many things that I don’t understand. What I do know is that lately I’ve been thinking about life too much. As a matter of fact it’s more like an epiphany. Every day there’s this moment when I realize how quickly life could change. Or how impossible it is for you to predict or control. No matter how hard you’ve tried or wished. That’s when I also understand why the stories about people, sick people, who “came back from the dead”, decide to do things they’ve never done before. Maybe because they’ve been “there”. There as in on the verge of death. They realize that life is short. 

So it would be such a waste of time if you live your life or your goals are only:

  • to please others, especially those who don’t appreciate you      
  • to whine while there are others who live life worse that yours
  • to be sad while there are so many things to be happy and grateful about
  • to follow others whose opinions are not worthy to be followed or even heard in the first place
  • to feel unwanted when there’s actually people who are yearning for your love and simple hellos
  • to feel outcasted while there’s this person who desperately wants to be with you night and day

And so on... 

I think I get it now and I’m trying to do something about it. At least “a“ thing. That’s why bit by bit I’m planning or already doing some changes. Maybe that’s also why those who are closest to me said they already saw something different in me, like...personality wise. In a good way, I hope #LOL I mean... Come on! I’ve been practically given a second life here! If I still do things the same way I did before all these dramas, I must be the biggest idiot on earth. Who knows? Maybe it turns out that I’m changing back to my old self. My real self. But hopefully much better #LOL And ALLAH’s willing, maybe it will make me completely healthy again! No more seizures and memory loss!

Another important thing that I have to remember is to never ever expect people to treat you the same way you treat them. Nope. This point might be one of the most valuable lessons I got so far. And one of the most important point to remember forever!!! It turns out life is not THAT “generous”. Sadly but true. If you’re faithful to someone, it doesn’t mean that the person will be faithful to you. If you helped someone, it is very possible that the very next day that person already take you for granted. You think he or she will always be your friend? Nope. You’re sure her love for you is real? Be careful. To her you might have been only a rebound. 

And so on... 

Yeah... I think I get it now. 


Sunday, May 01, 2016

Siblings Yearning

Alarm! Alarm!! Alarm!!! You might have read my last post Why This, Why That. The one about how intense my precious Godsend has been asking me about babies lately. How parents “make” them, where they come out from, what they do inside a mother’s tummy, how do they come out, how a baby turns to be a boy or a girl, how ALLAH decides the baby to be a girl or a boy, why not every couple has kids, etc. Now Kukka’s questions have evolved into wishes, requests.

People, my beloved Godsend is officially on this stage where she wants to have a sibling. 2 to be exact!!! #SiBubufainting. I can’t remember how it started but  Kukka’s baby questions have turned into a specific demand. Almost every day Kukka tells me that she wants a sister and a brother. Yup. 2 siblings. #SiBubufaintingagain. She even has names already!!!! #LOL 

One day we had a convo more or less like this:

Kukka : So Bubu, you already have a daughter, me, right?!?

SiBubu : Yyyyeeeessss.... #worried.

Kukka : So if you had another child, it should be a boy, right? A son, which means he will be my baby brother. 

SiBubu Mmmm...... Not necessarily...... What if ALLAH gives us a girl instead #stillworried.

Kukka : But if you do have a son, he will be my baby brother, right? What name will you give him?

SiBubu : ....................................Trent Reznor? 

Kukka : That’s your favorite singer!!! Cool! I love it! But it’s too long.

SiBubu : ...............................................Treznor?

Kukka : Hmmm..... Treznor Lawendatu. I love it!!! Now if ALLAH gives your next baby a girl, which makes her my sister, I will name her Kiki. No no! With a “q”. Qiqi. It's better. Is it a cool name??

SiBubu : .................Yes.... Very cool. 

So, ladies and gents, after having that convo, almost every day my daughter talks about Treznor and Qiqi #LOL. How she would love them, take care of them, share her toys with them, etc. When Kukka saw me giving away her old toys, she would say “No! That’s for Qiqi or Treznor! Don’t throw it away!”. When we stroll in the mall and Kukka sees something that she likes, she would say “Oh Treznor will love this!” or “I’m sure Qiqi wants this!”. Oh man!!! #LOL

Last night I finally asked Kukka why she would love to have a sibling that much. Her answer....and her expression broke my heart. Kukka said, with her sweet, super cute and please-give-me-what-I-want voice: 

“Because I’m lonely...”

I’ve shared Kukka’s latest request in my Twitter and Path accounts and most of my friends replied with funny comments. Aaaaaaaaaand all of them are on Kukka’s side!!! They said “Give Kukka a sister, Bubu!!!” or “Start making a sister and a brother for Kukka, Bapa and Bubu!!!” and so on and so on. All of the comments made me laughed so hard. I didn’t know what to say to her. Finally I said to Kukka that I don’t want another child. I only want her because I don’t want to share my love for her with another one. Then Kukka said:

“Don’t be selfish, Bubu. That’s not nice. 
You have to share. And you do want to make me happy, right?!?”

*Kukka pretending to hold her baby sister/brother*

................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

SiBubu : Well..... Let me talk to Bapa, okay?

And that, ladies and gents, is how I got out of the conversation. At least for now!!! #LOL