Saturday, September 26, 2015

The Fragile

Yes. That’s me. I’m so fragile that it is not safe nor wise to leave me completely by myself. But i’m not helpless. I still can do a lot of things all by myself. Although mostly it’s under supervision. But lately I feel like my biggest fragility is not my physical self. It is my tolerance. 

My feeling and my tolerance towards some things....particular things...have changed to.......almost minimum. Not totally gone but... It’s there but it’s just like...peeking through a mouse hole. Many times I wonder if this sickness of mine has changed some of my personalities. Haha. Well if it does, I hope it’s for the better. :)) Because from what I’ve heard, I should be kept away from stress. And this “new” personality seems to have a good influence on my health. Since I don’t think about things too hard anymore :)))

For example I know people who act like they are the coolest person in the world. But the problem is: they’re not. This person tries to dress like one, acts like one, talks like one and makes gestures like one. You know. The kind who uses the latest “in” words in every sentence that comes out of his mouth. The kind who acts like she's cool and saucy. The kind who makes gestures like he doesn’t care about anything around him. The kind who makes sure that everybody knows that she knows about everything that is happening in this world. Yeah. That kind. In Indonesia we call it "SO ASIK". 

I used to feel annoyed to be around people like this but I acted like it was okay. Sometimes I even went along with it. Pretend that he is "asik". But now???? Nah. I have better things to do. Now, when I’m in this kind of mood, I prefer to be...indifferent. Like not meeting him or not replying her phone calls or messages. And yes, I'm not worried about what she might think or how he might feel about it. I just want to enjoy myself. See, hear, do things and meet people that I DO love. My time is precious. I don’t want to waste it by taking care of somebody else’s feeling but making myself feel miserable. I also feel more indifferent about nothing in particular. Just...Sometimes I feel like....whatever. Which is SO not me. I don’t feel like I need any approval from anyone to do the things that I want to do. If I feel like it, I just do it. As long as it’s not harmful and breaking any rules or anybody’s heart, of course. 

I want to be a better person. I want to have fun. I want to start to enjoy my life. My precious life. By being strong, happy AND healthy. That way I can take care of the people I love. My family. My friends. Well, what do you know!?! 

Maybe fragility will cure my illness. 
Maybe by being fragile I will be stronger. 

Now... Let the fun begin!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Hey, Du...

Wie ist das möglich
Nur 2 Stunden ohne Dich
Fühle ich mich ziemlich schrecklich

Jeden Tag wünsche ich mir
Daß der Zeit ist endlich hier
Und keine Sekunde möchte ich verlier'

Um mit Dir endlich zu sein
Damit ich mich gut fühle und fein
Nie mehr werde ich einsam und allein

Werde ich es jemals schaffen
In Deinen Armen zu kuscheln
Und Dich für Stunden zu streicheln

Du fehlst mir


Thursday, September 03, 2015

Ohne Spaß...

Fühle mich wie eine 16jährige und fein
Nichts ist wichtiger als die einzige zu sein 

Tag und Nacht denke ich an Dich
Denn jetzt fühlt es sich wirklich möglich
Mein Leben in Ordnung zu bringen 
Und meine Lippen lächeln zu machen

Ist es falsch so zu fühlen
Wenn niemand anders sich bemühen
Meine Tage zu verändern
Mein gebrochenes Herz zu heilen 

Nur an Dich kann ich bedanken
Und für immer werde ich auf Dich warten
Wenn es jemals möglich ist
Daß Du eines Tages mit mir hier bist

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Mood Changer

What could change your mood for the better? a second. New shoes? A plate of a juicy steak? A simple “Hi” message from a long lost love? A shot of tequila? Hours of playing piano? A nice song with meaningful lyric? A passionate kiss from your loved one? Or a super silly meaningless convo with your besties? 


Mood. A short and simple word. But oh how powerful it can be to affect how you spend a day in your life! Some people even proudly declare themselves as a moody person. I don’t know what’s so great about it but okay... Whatever. 

Me? Well... I consider myself as a moody person and I'm certainly not proud about it. I think a lot of people would agree :D Especially those who are close to me and know me very well. There are times that I can’t hide my mood. If I’m pissed about something...or someone, you could see it immediately on my face. And if I’m happy? Well... You could also notice it easily. Some say I smile more when I am in a good mood. Hmmm... Does it mean I frown most of the time? I wonder :))) And a lot of people also say that they can “see” it in my writings. That makes sense... Since I write a lot about how I feel... 

But... I think my mood doesn’t change that easy. I think. If I am in a bad mood, not even a kiss could change it. I could just do it for the sake of doing it. But it won’t change how I feel. Is that a bad thing? How about a pair of new shoes? Nah. I’m not exactly the kind of girl who’s into fashion. So... I don’t think new shoes, bag or even clothes can change my mood. So retail therapy is out of the list. 

Movies? I love to watch. Anything. Movies, news, talk shows, sitcoms or even cartoons. But mmmm.... Nope. I can spend a whole day having a movie marathon yet still feel shitty. Hmmm... What then?

Ah yes! Of course. Friends! But only the right ones! Not the kind who makes stupid jokes and annoying remarks. They have to be the kind of friends who could make me laugh until my tears come out and my tummy feels like it’s going to explode. They also have to be the kind of friends who I could have meaningful and useful conversations with. The kind who could fill my brain with interesting knowledges yet makes it feel at ease at the same time. Especially now. With me and my brain being....not well...and all.... What else?

................................... Being alone. Yup. I love being alone. At home or in the middle of a crowd. As long as I can enjoy some time all by myself. With a good cup of coffee, a delicious slice of cake or a bar of chocolate, a nice book, my diary and my Mac. That’s it. Those are my mood changers. Sadly it’s kind of hard to be alone these days. Since I CAN’T be left completely alone. So I guess that’s why I’m kinda (more) moody lately. The only time I can be completely alone is inside my walk-in-closet, where my vanity table is. Inside my walk-in-closet I can be alone with my Mac and my diary. Oh and my iPhone! Just in case my mood changes and I want to chat with someone, you know ;) But I guess that’s it. Oh how I miss spending some time all by myself!! Outside my walk-in-closet, obviously! #bigsigh

So....... I guess.... That's it. That’s how I change my mood. How do you change yours??? 

Tuesday, September 01, 2015


I don't know.
I don't know whether I'm getting better or not. 
So stop asking me. 

I don't know. 
I don't know whether I'm okay with everything or not. 
So stop asking me. 

Stop asking me things you probably already know.
Things you probably know way before I know. 
Things you probably know better than me. 

Especially things you probably know but want to ask me anyway.
Just for the sake just because. 


Thursday, August 27, 2015


What are the things that could make you smile? A nice song? A simple hello from a stranger? A friendly pat from a dear friend? A romantic movie? A surprise phone call from a long lost love? A hug from your child? Or a kiss from your loved one? 


It sounds like a simple and innocent thing to do. But it’s not. Not if it’s a sincere one. The one that comes from the heart. The kind that comes unexpectedly and you do it unconsciously. A smile that you couldn’t stop doing even if you wanted to. A smile that is so wide it seems like there’s a beam of light coming out and blinding others' eyes. 


Take a deep breath and just do it. Your head feels lighter and your body shivers from joy. Close your eyes. Can you see those happy memories? These lovely moments you are having? And those that you will share? Can you see the one you love? Holding your hands, stroking your hair, kissing your lips? 

Can you see those moments?
Can you see them? 
Can you see......................


Saturday, August 22, 2015


I don't like giving advices. But somehow a lot of friends come to me and ask for one. I don't know why. I'm not exactly the type of person who can explain the things in my head loud and clear. I often have difficulties to find the right words. Or expressions. Especially now. Since there are at least 3 languages going on in my head. There could be 2-3 languages in 1 sentence without me even realizing it. 

I tend to have strong and different opinions on things. Different than other people. But yes, it seems that for some people, my opinions matter. If I DO give advices, I think very hard and choose the words very, very, very carefully. If I DO give advices, I try to be objective. I try to be in that person's shoes. What if I was in that situation. What kind of things I'd like to hear and not to hear. There are some phrases that I try to avoid, like:

"It's okay."
"You're overreacting."
"Don't cry."
"Don't worry."
"Don't think too much about it."

And so on. 

Why??? Well, have you ever think that the person DOESN'T have any choice but to worry? That she DOESN'T want to cry but it is inevitable? That she DOESN'T want to think too much about it but the problem is right in front of her face? 

So what do I say? Hmmm... Sometimes I say nothing. All I do is hug my friend. Tight. I let her burst some tears and tell me her fears herself. I keep quiet while she's spilling out all her anger into words. I stroke her hair, rub her back, kiss her head and whisper: "Just cry all you want. Let it all out. Your secrets are safe with me. I'm here for you. Anytime. Always." And then I hug her even more tight. Sometimes we end up crying together. But sometimes we end the sadness with a relieved smile. 

Of course this method doesn't work with a male friend :)) Not if I want to keep peace with my husband :))) So it has to involve minimum physical contact and more into serious conversation. That's why with a male friend it's.........rather....tricky. I have to be more reasonable but also give opinions from a woman's point of view. Which is apparently for men, is a very, very, difficult one to understand :p  But that's why my male friend needs me, I guess. Many of them said they like to ask me for advices because I'm a woman but I tend to think (and sometimes ACT) like Mmmm.... I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or an insult :)))) 

What's the tricky part? Well... It's tricky because it involves a heart-to-heart conversation. I notice that spilling out his heart is not an easy thing to do for a man. So if a man DOES do it, it means that he puts a lot of trust in me. Why? Because a personal conversation involves feelings. And for some men, showing feelings means showing vulnerability. Which is a big No-No :) Aaaaand anything that involves feelings can turn innocent relationships to..... Well..... Do I have to say more? :) 

But now something has changed. Many of the conversations I have with both female and male, start with: "Do you remember when I told you about...." or "Remember when...." or "You do know that I blablabla, right???" and so on. Well, sometimes I do remember but sorry, friends. Many times you have to refresh my memory before you spill out another story :)))))))))) But look at the bright side!!! My forgetfulness could be a good thing! It means that after you spill your heart out to me and I give you advices, you could just go home, feel more relieved and be absolutely sure that your secret is absolutely safe with me! Why????????

Because I might already forget about it the minute we say goodbye!!! :))))