Thursday, December 31, 2015

Auf Wiedersehen 2015

Well, well. What an epic year it has been. According to my diary, infos from family and friends, and also from the tracks that I've left behind on my social medias’ accounts, my life was quite peachy until... 

March 12th, 2015
It was the day when my life has changed possibly for...forever. It was the day I got my first seizure from a rare illness. Yes. I've been told that it's rare. Like... There's no cure yet. You won't find it anywhere in the world. It is called Autoimmune Encephalitis

Fancy name. Annoying as hell. I am still suffering from it but so far I’ve managed to live with it. And yes, I’m still praying for that day to come... When my doctor will call me and say that they finally find a cure for it. And that the cure will be available for me and works its wonder. Amin. 

2015 is also the year when I realize that... is short. One minute you are lazying around on your couch while reading your favorite novel and then the next second... You end up lying helplessly on a hospital bed, on the verge of your death. People are already crying for you, thinking that you would never make it. Or even worse, that you were already gone. is tricky. Suddenly the things that you are not allowed to do or not supposed to have, look so easy to be done and very much available. And yet then there you are... Contemplating about what to do and what to ignore. is a handful. Oh yes, no shit. Tell me about it. Oh wait. Don’t. is confusing. You think you know a person. You think you mean something to a certain someone. You think you have a special place in somebody’s heart. Yet all of a sudden they ignore you, he forgets about you, or she thinks you are a burden. Some people feel sorry for you. Some even already shed tears because they think you will not make it. But some maybe only feel sorry and then the next day they already forget all about you. is funny. Today you barely know a person. The next day that same person is the one who is going to feed you, bathe you, take care of you, and if not, also wiping your stinky butt. And also just when you thought everything is lost, you realize that you do have everything. Yup. Life is funny that way. is weird. Your life, your friend’s, your family member’s... It turns out somehow in some ways they are all totally connected to each other. So it also affects each other's life. So be careful, think deep and act cautiously. Because you could be the one who's causing a disaster to a person's life. Or...maybe... The saviour. is full of temptations. All of a sudden those people who once were in your heart and then gone for some reasons, are back. Just like that. After a while it seems that they also like to stay in some ways. And let’s not start with the new ones... is precious. That is why you should spend it with your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be every second. But always remember that somewhere, sometime, someone is out there. Waiting for you to come and say that you love her, that you need him, that you are grateful for her being, that you are always there to help him, that you are there to support her, that you will forgive him. is you. Or better said, your life is yours. Don’t expect anybody to know or understand your battle. Nobody does. Only you. So if somebody said he understands what you’re going through, just nod. Because unfortunately, many times there’s no point in arguing. And if somebody doesn’t seem to care... Well... Maybe it’s just because she just don’t. Also remember that there always be a person or two who takes your actions or attitudes the wrong way. Why? Just like I said before. Because he or she doesn’t understand your battle. So just sit back, relax and occasionally, smile like your heart is not actually breaking into pieces. 

Yup! Those points above pretty much sum up my 2015. It’s been one hell of a year indeed. Now let's see if I could still be around to enjoy 2016. ;)

Happy New Year, everybody!

Sunday, December 20, 2015


That’s the first thing that popped up in my mind when somebody asks how I could forget something or someone that is really important/significant/fun/terrible/anything for that matter.

Yes. I know. It must be really hard to believe and to understand how a person can forget something that has happened just minutes earlier. Not to mention 1-2 days before. But that’s what’s happening with me right now. NO. I’m not making this up. 

I really DO have memory issues. So don’t come to me, suggesting like I’m making this whole “forget this-don’t remember that” problem a make up story. Or even worse, a LIE. Because... Why would I??? Why would I lie??? Why would I lie about having a serious illness? Why would I lie about forgetting someone or something that is really important? It really upsets me, you know. In Indonesian, it’s way better to ask me “Inget ngga?” (Do you remember...)?. Rather than “Masa sih? Ko bisa???” (Come on!?/Are you for real?/Really?/How is that possible??). Because if you ask me THAT... Well.... 

My answer will be (read the title).

Friday, December 18, 2015

The One That Got Away

Remember when I told you about me reconnecting with the past? Well it’s happening again. Recently a certain person just confessed to me that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. He didn’t leave anything behind. From the way he was feeling the first time he met me until the day we had to say goodbye. I was stunned. But after that we talked. Total confession from both sides and it felt good. For both of us. 

As days past by another certain person “came back” into my life. I can’t remember how but we keep in touch ever since. We exchange a simple good morning or a nice good night, making fun of the past and setting dates when we will see each other again... And...yeah... Belated confessions and apologies are among the things we talk about. And yes, he too said that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. Geez! These guys have to go out more :)))) 

Anyways.... It feels good. Reconnecting with the past. Saying things that were left unsaid. Especially the “I’m sorry.” part from my side :D But I have to say it does scare me a little bit. Sometimes I’m thinking “Hey?! Why am I doing this? Is this necessary?”. And yes. It also creeps me out because it feels like I’m racing with time. It’s like I don’t want to wait to say I’m sorry until it’s too late. Too late as in... Well... You know. With my condition and all. I don’t have to spell it out here, right? :D So there you go, guys! To whom it may concern, please do accept my sincere apology :) (Man.. I sound like a total bitch here :)) )

As for the late confessions... Well... It did got me thinking... Is there such thing? What does it actually mean? Two persons. Love each other. Think that they belong together. But for some unfriendly cosmic reasons they are...not. So? I mean... If two persons are not together then... They are simply not meant to be... Well... Together. As simple as that. Right? 

Just because you have problems with your (current) spouse, it doesn’t have to mean that your (current) choice is wrong. And...that you should’ve been with someone else. Right? Or am I wrong? I mean... Especially if you DO love your other half. Problems will always be there. Health, love, money and others... It’s how you face them. With the problems. Do you want to deal with it or run away from it. I guess that’s the question. Or is it not? 

But then again... Who knows? What I do know is that from now on I want to enjoy my life more. And if it means that I should be making contacts with my past be it. Maybe it will do me some good. Besides that... Well... I just want to have fun with my family and most importantly with myself. So my brain can have a good time while it lasts. :p 

Okay here we go then! Let me start by singing this Katy Pery’s song outloud! Everybody!!! 1...2...3.... :))) 

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Dear Kukka: I'm Sorry

Mein Liebling. Mein Schatz. 
Today please give me some time to explain and to apologize to you. It’s about you and me. It’s about me as your mother. It’s about your right as my daughter. It’s about what should’ve been. It’s about what has to be done. 

Meine Liebe Kukka, my apology to you is actually already long overdue but alhamdulillah ALLAH still gives me time to do it. Well, actually right now I’m still doing it on writing... But I promise as soon as you come home from school today, I will apologize to you personally. 

My precious Godsend,
Minutes ago, when I was on my iPhone, like always, checking about useless stuff online, something just...hit me. Something slammed my conscious. I can’t remember what it was or how it started but I’m starting to think about us. About me as your mother. I hope it’s not too late but I just realize that... I am not a good mother. Not good enough. Why?

Because instead of being with you, most of the time I’m pretty much fixated by my social medias’ friends. Laughing at their jokes and not your funny stories. Which I know you actually have a lot to share... But sadly many times I just hear them out. But not really listening to you... 

Because when I’m with you, a lot of times I’m busy chatting with my friends on my chat apps instead of asking you about how your day was at school, your friends, your hobbies. Or about many other things. Like those Puffles you love so much. 

I’m so sorry because you have to call me more than one time to get my attention while I’m busy editing photos instead of admiring your super sweet face... Which is right there in front of me. Already perfectly created by THE ALMIGHTY.

Dear Kukka... 
Mein Ein und Alles. My everything. I’m writing this post while you’re still at school. But I promise as soon as you come home, I will put my iPhone down, shut down my Mac and start apologizing to you. I will tell you that I’m sorry and I hope you will give me another chance to start over. 

I love you, my precious Godsend. Let’s make our relationship as mother and daughter much better, okay? And I’ll show you that I can also be fun like your beloved Bapa. Or maybe even more!!! :p 


I showed Kukka this blog post and I didn't expect this kind of reaction from her. My precious Godsend cried... And while I was wiping tears from her eyes, she said: "Because it's so sad... It's like you... It's so sad..." And this was her expression while reading it. My sweet, beautiful, sensitive precious Godsend :)