The Fragile

Yes. That’s me. I’m so fragile that it is not safe nor wise to leave me completely by myself. But i’m not helpless. I still can do a lot of things all by myself. Although mostly it’s under supervision. But lately I feel like my biggest fragility is not my physical self. It is my tolerance. 

My feeling and my tolerance towards some things....particular things...have changed to.......almost minimum. Not totally gone but... It’s there but it’s just like...peeking through a mouse hole. Many times I wonder if this sickness of mine has changed some of my personalities. Haha. Well if it does, I hope it’s for the better. :)) Because from what I’ve heard, I should be kept away from stress. And this “new” personality seems to have a good influence on my health. Since I don’t think about things too hard anymore :)))

For example I know people who act like they are the coolest person in the world. But the problem is: they’re not. This person tries to dress like one, acts like one, talks like one and makes gestures like one. You know. The kind who uses the latest “in” words in every sentence that comes out of his mouth. The kind who acts like she's cool and saucy. The kind who makes gestures like he doesn’t care about anything around him. The kind who makes sure that everybody knows that she knows about everything that is happening in this world. Yeah. That kind. In Indonesia we call it "SO ASIK". 

I used to feel annoyed to be around people like this but I acted like it was okay. Sometimes I even went along with it. Pretend that he is "asik". But now???? Nah. I have better things to do. Now, when I’m in this kind of mood, I prefer to be...indifferent. Like not meeting him or not replying her phone calls or messages. And yes, I'm not worried about what she might think or how he might feel about it. I just want to enjoy myself. See, hear, do things and meet people that I DO love. My time is precious. I don’t want to waste it by taking care of somebody else’s feeling but making myself feel miserable. I also feel more indifferent about nothing in particular. Just...Sometimes I feel like....whatever. Which is SO not me. I don’t feel like I need any approval from anyone to do the things that I want to do. If I feel like it, I just do it. As long as it’s not harmful and breaking any rules or anybody’s heart, of course. 

I want to be a better person. I want to have fun. I want to start to enjoy my life. My precious life. By being strong, happy AND healthy. That way I can take care of the people I love. My family. My friends. Well, what do you know!?! 

Maybe fragility will cure my illness. 

Maybe by being fragile I will be stronger. 

Maybe. 

Amen.

Now... Let the fun begin!

Hey, Du...

Wie ist das möglich

Nur 2 Stunden ohne Dich

Fühle ich mich ziemlich schrecklich

Jeden Tag wünsche ich mir

Daß der Zeit ist endlich hier
Und keine Sekunde möchte ich verlier'

Um mit Dir endlich zu sein

Damit ich mich gut fühle und fein

Nie mehr werde ich einsam und allein

Werde ich es jemals schaffen

In Deinen Armen zu kuscheln

Und Dich für Stunden zu streicheln

Du fehlst mir

Ja. 

Du. 

Ohne Spaß...

Fühle mich wie eine 16jährige und fein

Nichts ist wichtiger als die einzige zu sein 

Tag und Nacht denke ich an Dich

Denn jetzt fühlt es sich wirklich möglich

Mein Leben in Ordnung zu bringen 
Und meine Lippen lächeln zu machen

Ist es falsch so zu fühlen

Wenn niemand anders sich bemühen

Meine Tage zu verändern

Mein gebrochenes Herz zu heilen 

Nur an Dich kann ich bedanken
Und für immer werde ich auf Dich warten

Wenn es jemals möglich ist

Daß Du eines Tages mit mir hier bist

Mood Changer

What could change your mood for the better? Like...in a second. New shoes? A plate of a juicy steak? A simple “Hi” message from a long lost love? A shot of tequila? Hours of playing piano? A nice song with meaningful lyric? A passionate kiss from your loved one? Or a super silly meaningless convo with your besties? 

What?

Mood. A short and simple word. But oh how powerful it can be to affect how you spend a day in your life! Some people even proudly declare themselves as a moody person. I don’t know what’s so great about it but okay... Whatever. 

Me? Well... I consider myself as a moody person and I'm certainly not proud about it. I think a lot of people would agree :D Especially those who are close to me and know me very well. There are times that I can’t hide my mood. If I’m pissed about something...or someone, you could see it immediately on my face. And if I’m happy? Well... You could also notice it easily. Some say I smile more when I am in a good mood. Hmmm... Does it mean I frown most of the time? I wonder :))) And a lot of people also say that they can “see” it in my writings. That makes sense... Since I write a lot about how I feel... 

But... I think my mood doesn’t change that easy. I think. If I am in a bad mood, not even a kiss could change it. I could just do it for the sake of doing it. But it won’t change how I feel. Is that a bad thing? How about a pair of new shoes? Nah. I’m not exactly the kind of girl who’s into fashion. So... I don’t think new shoes, bag or even clothes can change my mood. So retail therapy is out of the list. 

Movies? I love to watch. Anything. Movies, news, talk shows, sitcoms or even cartoons. But mmmm.... Nope. I can spend a whole day having a movie marathon yet still feel shitty. Hmmm... What then?

Ah yes! Of course. Friends! But only the right ones! Not the kind who makes stupid jokes and annoying remarks. They have to be the kind of friends who could make me laugh until my tears come out and my tummy feels like it’s going to explode. They also have to be the kind of friends who I could have meaningful and useful conversations with. The kind who could fill my brain with interesting knowledges yet makes it feel at ease at the same time. Especially now. With me and my brain being....not well...and all.... What else?

................................... Being alone. Yup. I love being alone. At home or in the middle of a crowd. As long as I can enjoy some time all by myself. With a good cup of coffee, a delicious slice of cake or a bar of chocolate, a nice book, my diary and my Mac. That’s it. Those are my mood changers. Sadly it’s kind of hard to be alone these days. Since I CAN’T be left completely alone. So I guess that’s why I’m kinda (more) moody lately. The only time I can be completely alone is inside my walk-in-closet, where my vanity table is. Inside my walk-in-closet I can be alone with my Mac and my diary. Oh and my iPhone! Just in case my mood changes and I want to chat with someone, you know ;) But I guess that’s it. Oh how I miss spending some time all by myself!! Outside my walk-in-closet, obviously! #bigsigh

So....... I guess.... That's it. That’s how I change my mood. How do you change yours??? 

Stop

I don't know.

I don't know whether I'm getting better or not. 

So stop asking me. 

I don't know. 

I don't know whether I'm okay with everything or not. 

So stop asking me. 

Stop asking me things you probably already know.

Things you probably know way before I know. 

Things you probably know better than me. 

Especially things you probably know but want to ask me anyway.

Just for the sake just because. 

Stop.

Smile

What are the things that could make you smile? A nice song? A simple hello from a stranger? A friendly pat from a dear friend? A romantic movie? A surprise phone call from a long lost love? A hug from your child? Or a kiss from your loved one? 

Smile. 

It sounds like a simple and innocent thing to do. But it’s not. Not if it’s a sincere one. The one that comes from the heart. The kind that comes unexpectedly and you do it unconsciously. A smile that you couldn’t stop doing even if you wanted to. A smile that is so wide it seems like there’s a beam of light coming out and blinding others' eyes. 

Smile.

Take a deep breath and just do it. Your head feels lighter and your body shivers from joy. Close your eyes. Can you see those happy memories? These lovely moments you are having? And those that you will share? Can you see the one you love? Holding your hands, stroking your hair, kissing your lips? 

Can you see those moments?

Can you see them? 

Can you see......................

Me?

Psssst.....

I don't like giving advices. But somehow a lot of friends come to me and ask for one. I don't know why. I'm not exactly the type of person who can explain the things in my head loud and clear. I often have difficulties to find the right words. Or expressions. Especially now. Since there are at least 3 languages going on in my head. There could be 2-3 languages in 1 sentence without me even realizing it. 

I tend to have strong and different opinions on things. Different than other people. But yes, it seems that for some people, my opinions matter. If I DO give advices, I think very hard and choose the words very, very, very carefully. If I DO give advices, I try to be objective. I try to be in that person's shoes. What if I was in that situation. What kind of things I'd like to hear and not to hear. There are some phrases that I try to avoid, like:

"It's okay."
"You're overreacting."
"Don't cry."
"Don't worry."
"Don't think too much about it."

And so on. 

Why??? Well, have you ever think that the person DOESN'T have any choice but to worry? That she DOESN'T want to cry but it is inevitable? That she DOESN'T want to think too much about it but the problem is right in front of her face? 

So what do I say? Hmmm... Sometimes I say nothing. All I do is hug my friend. Tight. I let her burst some tears and tell me her fears herself. I keep quiet while she's spilling out all her anger into words. I stroke her hair, rub her back, kiss her head and whisper: "Just cry all you want. Let it all out. Your secrets are safe with me. I'm here for you. Anytime. Always." And then I hug her even more tight. Sometimes we end up crying together. But sometimes we end the sadness with a relieved smile. 

Of course this method doesn't work with a male friend :)) Not if I want to keep peace with my husband :))) So it has to involve minimum physical contact and more into serious conversation. That's why with a male friend it's.........rather....tricky. I have to be more reasonable but also give opinions from a woman's point of view. Which is apparently for men, is a very, very, difficult one to understand :p  But that's why my male friend needs me, I guess. Many of them said they like to ask me for advices because I'm a woman but I tend to think (and sometimes ACT) like a....man. Mmmm.... I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or an insult :)))) 

What's the tricky part? Well... It's tricky because it involves a heart-to-heart conversation. I notice that spilling out his heart is not an easy thing to do for a man. So if a man DOES do it, it means that he puts a lot of trust in me. Why? Because a personal conversation involves feelings. And for some men, showing feelings means showing vulnerability. Which is a big No-No :) Aaaaand anything that involves feelings can turn innocent relationships to..... Well..... Do I have to say more? :) 

But now something has changed. Many of the conversations I have with both female and male, start with: "Do you remember when I told you about...." or "Remember when...." or "You do know that I blablabla, right???" and so on. Well, sometimes I do remember but sorry, friends. Many times you have to refresh my memory before you spill out another story :)))))))))) But look at the bright side!!! My forgetfulness could be a good thing! It means that after you spill your heart out to me and I give you advices, you could just go home, feel more relieved and be absolutely sure that your secret is absolutely safe with me! Why????????

Because I might already forget about it the minute we say goodbye!!! :))))

PEACE!!! 

Boyfriends Matter

Lately my smart little Godsend has been asking - talking about the same thing again and again. I don’t know where this subject is coming from but Kukka has been asking me about boyfriends. Yes. BOYFRIENDS. MY boyfriends. Well, EXES of course :))) 

It started with a simple convo. Well... It wasn’t THAT simple actually... One day Kukka asked me out of the blue:

K : Bubu, Bapa was your boyfriend, right?!

B : Well, yes he was!

K : And then you and Bapa got married and then you are Bapa’s wife.

B : .....Yes.... #startworrying

K : Did you have other boyfriends before Bapa?

B : ...........Why....do you......want to.......know??? 

K : I just do. 

Another day when I was checking my Facebook:

Kukka : Who’s that, Bubu? #lookingatphotoinFB

Bubu : Oh that’s my friend in Vienna. He was my boyfriend when I was young, you know. 

K : Oh, okay. But now you’re with Bapa because you and your boyfriend break up, right?!

BREAK UP????? BREAK UP????? HOW THE HECK DOES A 7YO KID KNOWS THE TERM “BREAK UP”??????? Okay, okay it’s my fault! I was the one who brought up the boyfriend part but...but... BREAK UP?????

One afternoon in the car on the way home:

K : So, Bubu. I want to talk about your boyfriend.

B : WHAT???? WHY?????

K : I think you had a lot of boyfriends. So it means that you broke up a lot of times. And then you met Bapa and you didn’t break up with him because Bapa marry you. 

B : Wwwwwwwwwwhat???? Why do you think I had a lot of boyfriends???

K : I just do. #whispering So, Bubu.... Don’t tell Bapa that you broke up with so many boyfriends, okay?! 

B : #speechless

And then the question got more intense when one afternoon Kukka asked:

K : You need to get married to have a baby, right, Bubu?? You can’t have a baby if you’re not married. I have to get married first. Right?? If I want a baby? Bapa married you and then you have me. Right?! I don’t think I want a baby. I don’t want the doctor to cut my tummy. That’s where babies come from, right?! 

WAKWAAAAAAAAAW!!!! 

And these kind of questions didn’t just end there. There were a lot of others. Similar ones. And NO. The questions are not about S E X. Yet. THANK GOD!!! :)) But it does get more intense. I’ve always noticed that my girl is a super curious one... But I didn’t know these kind of questions would come this...soon. 

Aaaaaaaaaaand I don’t mean to be “superstitious” or anything like it buuuut there’s something else I’ve noticed. These boyfriends questions come right by the time I started to have contact with my ex boyfriends :)))) It’s so weird. It’s like Kukka is trying to remind me or something. That I HAD boyfriends but NOW I’m MARRIED to her BAPA. So, it’s like she’s warning me: “Don’t do anything stupid, Bubu!!” :)))) 

I know, I know. It’s nonsense. It’s dumb. But that thought did cross my mind. I don’t know what else to think. What I should do actually is ask her what she think a boyfriend is. And what does “break up” mean. Maybe the concepts that she has in her mind are different than mine. Ours. It could be more harmless. Maybe it’s just me who got too panicky. Maybe I should just ignore her questions. Or maybe.... I don’t know. 

What do you think???

SERVUS!!!

I don't intend to sound cocky here... But why do I feel that since I got sick, I think that the German-language wire in my brain keeps on zapping. Many times when I talk, there's one or two German words slipping in the sentences. Sometimes I can not even find the Indonesian or english word for it. I have to think hard. I even have to close my eyes while doing it. Just to find the correct Indonesian or english term for something that I am going to say. Sometimes I succeed. I wonder if the person who is talking to me realize it or not. Because sometimes I fail...

I like to read more articles in German language. I even intend to ask friends of mine in Germany and Austria to send me some German novels. Easy ones of course. Because my German language skill is actually not that spectacular. So far I have only one novel. The one I bought when we went to Austria years ago. A German chicklit so to say. And now I keep reading it again and again. Even though I already finished it. I think. 

I've been googling German language movies and tv serials. So far I haven't find one that I could watch online. I think I have to ask my friends too... I like to watch Deutsche Welle now more than CNN or BBC. Lucky me we have those channels at home. And to make it even more intense, lately I’ve been communicating with someone in Vienna, who is very very dear to me. We could chat in Messenger or replying comments in Facebook for hours. Odd hours of course. Since there’s a 5-7 hours time difference between Jakarta - Vienna. So when I’m awake, he’s still asleep. Or when I’m about to sleep, he’s having his lunch. :))

Anyway I don’t think this is a problem. At least I don’t see it as a big one. Right??? Maybe it’s even a good thing. Maybe I could use this odd situation as an opportunity to teach my daughter German language. Simple one of course. Although so far she’s against it when I mentioned that idea. Hiks... I will keep trying though... Since I already accidentally mention one or two German words to her while we are talking. And when I do, she would asked me “What did you say, Bubu??? It sounds so weird!” 

I told her that if she learned German, we could share secrets. Secrets that we don’t want Bapa to know. And while we’re doing it, we wouldn’t have to hide from him because he wouldn’t understand it anyway. Oh wouldn’t that be fun?!?! Having girl-talks. In German language. Anywhere. :)))

So far I haven’t succeed. I’m not giving up though. In the mean time I will try to sharpen my German language skill even more. Wish me luck!!! 

Or should I say, Wünsch mir Glück!! ;)

Danke, Du

In der letzter Zeit sind meine Tagen sehr schwierig.

Aber dann kommst Du wieder.

In meinem Leben. 

Ich danke Dir...

Für die süße Worte.

Jetzt habe ich jeden Tag etwas schönes,

Zu erwarten.

Ich danke Dir...

Für die liebe Kommentare.

Jetzt habe ich wieder einen Grund,

Zu lächeln.

Auch wenn ich verärgert bin. 

Auch wenn ich traurig fühle.

Auch wenn ich weinen möchte.

Danke, Du. 

Thinking, Wishing, Praying

I've been thinking lately. Yeah... Surprisingly I've been doing it a lot nowadays :)) I guess that's what you do if you "experience" something like....what I'm experiencing right now. You'll think a lot. About the past. About the present. And the future. At least you try very hard to....

Right now I'm thinking very hard about the past. What I've missed when I was....out...of this world :)) I feel like a lot has been happening. Good and bad. Never mind the good ones because everybody always mention it to me again and again. And I thank everybody for doing it. I'm sure it's because they want to make me happy. And I've been told that happiness is one of the cure to my illness. :) 

Now the bad ones... Hmmm... I feel like people aka family-friends, are hiding some things from me. And the heart never lies. I feel like bad and sad things have happened. Before, while or even after I was sick. I guess it's for my own good. Because I've been told that right now I'm still quite fragile. That I can't be burdened with things that could make me anxious. And sadly I must say it is true... These last couple of days I'm feeling very sad because I just remember that someone who I loved very very much has passed away. It happened 2 years ago but I couldn't remember how it happened. And now that I do, I feel like it just happened....yesterday. And now every time I think about it, I cry and cry and cry.... Actually shedding tears right now...as I type.... And after I'm finish crying, I will have difficulty to sleep. Which is actually not good for my health. 

Now that one is a sad moment that I can actually remember. The most annoying part is that there are some sad/bad things that I still can't remember but they're just *there*. In my guts. I still can't figure it out and nobody would tell me. I guess it's for my own good but still... It's annoying. Especially when I realize that people are talking about it and they would immediately change the subject when I join in. It's like everybody knows something but me. I feel like I'm a little kid who got sent to her room because the adults are going to have grown-ups conversations :)) 

I also have been thinking about the future. What lies in front of me. ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Ah... The future... Who knows... I sure don't..... All I know is that I want to get better. That I want to be healthy again. Especially for my baby girl, if not for myself. I want to be healthy again because my girl is too smart to have a sick mother. She needs me to teach her things. Especially about life. I want to be with her when ALLAH SWT. give her the best things a girl could possibly have and to remind her that she should always be thankful for it. I definitely want to be with her when bad moments and people lurk into her life. I want to be able to tell her that it's gonna be okay. That she will always have people who love her to help her to get through the tough times. That bad things happen for a reason and many times it turn out to be a good one. And the thing that motivates me the most to be perfectly healthy again is my desire to be always by my Godsend's side. 

So I can always, always, always tell my cheeky girl 

that I love her. Always. 

Amen.

Dear Friend,

Yesterday a very dear friend asked me how he could make me smile to get through the days. Unthinkable days, as he called it. I asked why he asked in the first place. He said because he couldn’t imagine how hard my days must be. “It is hard, isn’t it?”, he asked. There I was. Being silent for a couple of minutes. Thinking of an answer. 

Finally I said, I don’t know. I’m not sure. How come, how is it possible, he asked again. You're going through something unthinkable, he said. Something that nobody would ever think of having. Well, that’s true, I said. And then I finally came up with an answer. 

I said to my friend, I think somebody once told me that I am not special. That what I’m having right now is not something extra ordinary. Because somebody out there, somewhere, is suffering worse than me. Somebody who lost one of his arms or legs, somebody who couldn’t wake up at all, or somebody who lost his ability to control some parts of his body. And then I said to my friend, compare to those conditions, what I’m having right now is....nothing. 

My friend was upset. He didn’t agree with me and asked me not to think that way. Because what I’m suffering he said, IS something. It IS hard. It IS, for healthy people, unimaginable. I smiled. 

Well............. If he put it that way, yes. It IS hard. But when I think about how many unfortunate people out there who are suffering more than me.... Well.... I guess I’m lucky. Very lucky. 

At least I still have my family and friends. At least I still have the ability to speak up my mind and control most part of my body. At least I still can afford to go to the doctor and get the best treatment possible. At least I still have.......... You.

My friend kept quiet. He didn't say anything. He didn't argue with me anymore. But he said "I still don't agree with you. But as long as you're happy..." And then he smiled. And then I smiled. 

And YOU... Thank you for reading my post. I hope you are here because you care. Or at least curious about how I am doing. See. I am blessed :)

39

Yes, I'm still here. 

Angry. By the nothingness.

And the unknown.

Yes, I'm still here. 

Oblivious. To the surrounding. 

To life.

Yes, I'm still here. 

Overwhelmed. With confusion. 

And love. 

Yes, I'm still here. 

Alive. Supposedly well. 

If not better. 

Yes, by ALLAH's will, I think I will still be here. 

Breathing. Praying. Thanking. 

To my ALMIGHTY. 

To my beloved. 

To my friends. 

To my family. 

To you. 

That I Would Be Good - Alanis Morrissette

That I would be good even if I did nothing

That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

That I would be good if I got and stayed sick

That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

That I would be great if I was no longer queen

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

That I would be loved even when I was fuming

That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity

That I would be good

Whether with or without you

****

Wow... I always loved this song but I never knew that it would be... So............. 

................................................................................................................

Me.

Alhamdulillah....

Today I shed some tears again. A lot actually. And I still do. Why? Because I'm beyond happy. I feel so blessed. My long-awaited breakfast session with my girls was already great. But when my lovely friends gave me a 6-days-early birthday surprise, it turned out to be perfect. No, it's not about the present. And yes, of course like always, the present is perfect and very well-thought. Oh I know how the birthday-present-brainstorming is going in this group :)) I can only imagine how funny and super rempong it must have been. But no....

It's the attention my lovely friends are giving me. 

It's the time they've spent thinking about me. 

It's the love they're showering me.

From their thoughts, from their words, from their hearts. 

Thank you so much, my dear, dear friends.

No words can describe how I feel.

But I think the amount of tears I'm shedding right now 

is more meaningful than any word I can ever say.

The Story of Me

So... Back then, when somebody asked me what was one of the most important things that I’ve been taking for granted all my life, I would probably answer....I don't know. 

But now, I will answer it loud and clear. It’s one of my abilities to use my brain correctly, which is to remember. Being forgetful is.... A pain in the ass. Pardon my french but trust me. Not being able to remember things, especially important ones that involve the most important moments, people or knowledge in your life, is hard. Really hard. It’s sad, it’s frustrating, it’s.... 

Well it’s actually very hard to describe. I thought I could describe it correctly by writing it down. Because sooooo many people has been asking me the same questions like what's happening to you; what are you suffering from; how do you feel; how does it feel like; do you remember when blablabla; do you know that now blablablabla. Now I’m writing the answers down so whenever somebody ask me, I would just send him the link of this posting #LOL 

Let’s start with what am I suffering from. Please note that most of the sentences I write will start with the word: "THINK". Why? Read on and you will know :) 

Okay let's start with: my illness is called Anti NMDA Autoimmune Encephalitis, which means there’s something serious going on in my brain. For details, don’t be lazy and click THIS. How did it happened??? Well in my case, unfortunately it’s still unknown. So as far as I know, it’s rare and there’s no cure yet. That’s why the doctors sent my body fluid/blood to Spain to be further examined. So I’m donating my fluids in the name of science :)) And like I said before, it’s very hard to describe. My ability to remember things is very random. For example I remember many things that happened in the past but I couldn’t remember what happened 5 minutes ago. And this goes vice versa. I thought the moment that already happened like 5 years ago, is happening like...now... Or 5 minutes before. Ooooooor I don't remember it at all. This is the best explanation I can give you about what I’m feeling and thinking now. 

As for my mental condition, my family said it has been.....very unstable. Especially when I was in my worst state. Apparently I was submitted in the hospital for a long time. I still have the scar from the IV tubes. I think I got it because I had it for too long and once I pulled the IV tubes by myself when I was having a seizure or an episode or something. And I think Hubs said there was blood all over me. You better double check and ask him because I could probably make these things up :)) 

I could be laughing out loud this minute and the next second I could end up crying uncontrollably for hours. And I also would see things that were actually not there. For instance I would swipe iPad screen....in the air :))  In short, it seemed like I lost my mind. Like...going crazy... Literally.  Why is this happening to me? Well... I wish I could give you a clear answer. But honestly I don’t know. What I do know is that I wasn’t always been the healthiest person on earth. I don’t exercise regularly. I often eat junk food. I took over-the-counter-medicines like they were candies and I don’t get enough sleep. But many also said that it’s happening because I’m under a lot of pressure. That something really bad had happened to me and made me stressed out. So I’m losing my mind because unconsciously there are things that I don’t want to remember. Things that I wanted to get out of my head. And well... What do you know. Voila! They’re gone! Along with other things. Important things. -_- 

It sucks. Really. You don’t want to have what I’m having now. And no, you wouldn't understand it either. Not when you are the healthy one. So be careful in giving me advices because I would probably respond with: "What the hell do you know?!" :) 

I almost don’t have any privacy anymore. Because I still can’t be really be left alone like completely by myself. Especially for a long time. Why? Because I could end up doing something that is dangerous to myself or anybody else or ended up somewhere...strange. And what’s worrying is that I can have seizures like...anywhere anytime. I’ve seen myself having a seizure on our home CCTV recording and man, it was.... Well let’s just say that I understand why the person who is next to me while I'm having a seizure would be terrified, panic and all. Because from what I’ve heard, it was scary. You don’t want to know the details. Trust me. It’s not a pretty situation to describe. And yes, I don't remember any of those terrible moments myself. 

Long story short, my condition was bad. Really bad. Now I’m recovering from it and it seems that I’m doing better. Much better. At least that’s what everybody is saying. I still have a lot of medicines that I have to take for like...2 years. I still can’t be left alone and thank God I have BiYeni, my aunty, with me all the time. She’s been taking care of me for months now. She’s my aunty, my nurse, my personal cook, my bodyguard, and most importantly, my friend :) The only thing she doesn’t do is bathe me :)))

Kukka? Well that’s another story to tell but so you know, my darling Godsend is fine, considering what is happening around her... But she knows that her mom is sick and she’s been my guardian angel ever since. Once when I was having an episode and there was saliva or foam coming out of my mouth, she ran to call my aunty and came back with a tissue in her hand. Can you believe that a 6yo could do that?? She really is a Godsend. My Godsend :)

Hubster? He’s been dealing with all the house work now :)) Paying bills and staffs’ salaries, buying groceries, taking care of Kukka from bathing to school projects and 6yo-girl-problems :D Basically everything. Whenever he whines about it, I just grin and occasionally pat his back. Now he knows what kind of problems a housewife and mother has to deal with everyday :)) #highfivehousewives! 

Back to me. I’m still confused. I’m still worried. I’m still sad. I’m still devastated. I’m still angry. I’m still ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 

Help......

Dear Kukka: Welcoming Stroppy Sevens

You are approaching 7. My friends with older children “warned” me about kids turning 7. It sounded like the “Terrible Twos”. And FYI you were NOT terrible when you were two. You were adorable! Now you are 4 months shy of 7. And I’m buckling up now for...a super exciting ride! :))

School drama: checked. 

Resistant to bluffs: checked. 

Teasing and being teased: checked. 

Having problems with friends: checked. 

Debating with me about silly stuff: checked.

Arguing with me with about important matters: checked.

I’m all about standing up for your opinion, babe. But widening your eyes angrily at me while you’re at it? Not nice. But hilarious! I almost burst into laughter when it happened but as a mother I just had to keep my cool. And your arguments? Some of them I accepted, but some which were out of the context and didn’t make any sense at all? They were just too cute not to be made fun of :)) 

But okay, let me be serious now. Honestly you are getting tougher for me to handle. And you are one of the few sweetest, well-behaved kids I know! I don’t know what’s going on inside your mind right now but I imagine it’s overwhelming. It’s hard to be a kid. I know. Now let me tell you this. 

It’s hard to be a mother too. Especially to an intelligent, witty, super curious and strong-willed girl like you. I’m pretty sure you will outsmart me in no time. You’ve been correcting your Nini and your dad’s english since 2 years ago. You've started to challenge my knowledge about our religion since 4yo. I can only imagine what you will criticize about in the next couple of months. My hair? My writings?? My rules?????????? You used to just accept my motherly lectures. Now you’re questioning and refusing some of them. Which later leads to me giving you the I-AM-YOUR-MOTHER look and the magic words: BECAUSE I SAID SO. Which you don’t always accept and then comes the never-ending YES! <--> NO! fight. It’s exhausting and frustrating for me. Seriously. 

Soon you will have even less fear of the list of consequences I’ve made for you if you break our agreement. Like yesterday, when you were grounded and had to sleep by yourself. You accepted it with 1 condition: I had to open the door a little bit. I agreed. I didn’t hear a peep and half an hour later you were asleep. Just like that. No drama. What happened to “You always have to sleep with me, Bubu. I will be very sad if you don’t.”??? I wonder if you've learned your lesson there since you took the consequence pretty lightly :))

I’m having mixed feelings here, kid. I’m excited and I’m looking forward to see you grow. I can’t wait to be able to share, do and talk about grown up stuff with you. But I’m also scared and very sad because it means that you will outgrow the baby inside you. The baby who I've prayed and waited for and love and adore sooooooo much... I’m so not ready for this. Not yet. Then again... I wonder if I will ever be... 

Mayo Diet Survivor

I’m the kind of girl who loves to eat. I eat big breakfast - lunch - dinner and everything in between. I eat fatty, greasy, deep-fried food anytime. I rarely cut back on my portions and I never count calories on my food and drinks. I guess that’s why I never be that skinny-slim girl. I think it’s in my genes too. One time I heard someone in my family said that it was okay to spend money more on food than on anything else. I agreed. I love food. Absolutely. And everything was fine (except the size of my butt and waistline).

Then things happened. Things that later on affecting not only my mind but also my body. My back and shoulders started to hurt a lot and I rarely slept through the nights. To make my back and shoulders feel better, I started to take pilates classes. And these last couple of years my stomach finally went on strike too. Every day I was feeling bloated and nauseated. Sometimes I threw up without reason. I didn’t know what to do. 

Until one day I came across a friend’s posting on Instagram. She took a picture of her lunch set from a certain caterer and her caption mentioned something about Mayo Diet. I heard about Mayo Clinic Diet but I didn’t know much about it. I stalked on the caterer’s account (@kelincitertidur) and I googled around. I immediately decided that this Mayo thing was the answer to my upset stomach. Maybe there was too much going on inside and it needed a clean break. Long story short, I began my Mayo Diet on November 10th, 2014 for 13 days!!!

It wasn’t easy. Not at all. Even before I started, almost everybody who already experienced it whined that Mayo Diet is really, really, really hard. The food tastes terrible because of the NO SALT rule. The first 3-4 days are critical. Many failed on Day 5. So you see, mentally I was supposed to be down already. But I wasn’t. I figured if you have a strong willpower to do something, you can do it. No matter how hard it is. Even for me. The food lover. And so it began. 

Day 1, 2, 3, 5... I felt fine. I still woke up at 4AM from Monday to Friday, I took care of everything for my daughter, I went to my pilates classes twice a week and my instructor kept the sessions (hard) as it is, I hung out with my friends at cafes and restaurants and watched them eat. Everything was okay. The toughest thing I had to go through during the diet was the fact that I was only allowed to drink coffee ONE CUP every morning. I didn’t mind the bland taste of the beef or chicken, the boring salad, the liters of water and I’ve never cheated, not even by a grain of salt!!! But only ONE CUP OF COFFEE A DAY???? That was.......T O U G H. So every morning for 13 days, after I smelled its mind blowing aroma, I sipped on my one and only cup of coffee niiiiiiiice and sloooooooooow until the last drop :))

One week passed by. I’ve lost around 2kg and 3cm on my waistline. And the most important thing was my tummy felt goooooooood!!! No gassy, super bloated feeling. No throwing up either! And I slept through the nights like a baby. But on Day 9 I started to feel lightheaded. After picking up my daughter from school, I took a long nap that felt more like I was collapsing. Luckily, Ayi, Miss @kelincitertidur herself, was always available for questions. She gave me some advices and I was always on guard of my health. On Day 10-11 I felt better but still a little bit lightheaded. I started to think that my already-low blood pressure must have dropped even more and maybe the lack of salt in my diet had something to do with it. I almost quit but I had only 2 more days to go. I couldn’t quit now!!! So I kept on dieting!!!

Alhamdulillah, last Saturday I’ve finally completed my first diet ever!! I’ve lost 4kg and 5cm on my waistline. I feel great and happy to have lost those extra weight. But above all I’m proud of myself, of my determination, my strong willpower and of my patience. I believed that I could do it and I did. 

I’m officially a Mayo Diet Survivor!!!

A Dying Breed

Dear perfect gentleman, 

Where are you?

Where is the man who opens the doors for women, doesn’t offer to help yet does it anyways, and carries our excess baggages instinctively? Where is he who accompanying us (and waiting!) to the ladies room in the middle of parties and makes sure that his drunk or sick female friends are returned home safely? He who holds our hands while crossing the street, doesn’t kiss-and-tell, and avoids opportunities to be alone with maried women because he respects them (and their spouses)???

No. These things don’t just happen in the movies. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it. Lucky for me, I’ve met one true gentleman, who is fortunately a dear friend of mine. Yeah. ONE. In my entire adult life I’ve only met one. I’ve heard that men are from Mars. But we’re from Venus!! There’s only one planet that separates us so that makes us practically neighbors, no?!? Is it so hard to treat women nicely? 

Many times I wonder and even worry, why certain men (read: pricks) act the way they do. It’s so sad to think that one day my daughter might find an image of a stereotype-looking perfect gentleman next to a picture of a roaring T-Rex... In a museum. Who is to blame? The mother? The father? The world? 

I realize that not all men are bastards and yes, some women are definitely sluts. Yes, the mother, the father and her world might be the one to blame too. But honestly, I don’t see respectful women are on the verge of extinction like gentlemen do. So, I’m asking you once again, my dear gentlemen. 

Where the hell are you???