I love you. Goodbye.

Papah & I, taken 2 months ago at RS Harum Medika

So many "if only"s 

And unfulfilled wishes

Too many regrets

And words left unsaid

Not enough memories
And too little time

For once I truly understand why some people wish they 

could turn back the time

For once I really get 

what I had 

But sadly not until it was 

too late

Not until he is gone

Yet I know I am and also will forever be grateful 

Because Allah gave me a last chance to be with him

I held his hands, kissed his cheeks 

Whispered prayers and I love yous to his ears

Until the very end

Goodbye, Papah

Allah loves you too much, He wants you back

I love you too but I love it even more knowing that 

you are now in the most wonderful place

By Allah SWT.'s side

Amin.

Dear Kukka: Happy 5th Birthday!

Whenever I feel weak

I look at your energetic self

Whenever I feel angry

I learn from your purity and innocence 

Whenever I feel unworthy

I drown myself in your hugs 

Whenever I feel unloved

I hear your sweet voice whispering “I love you, Bubu”

I am strong. I am calm. I am worthy. I am definitely loved. 

And it’s all because Allah SWT. have sent me an angel, exactly 5 years ago today. 

Happy 5th birthday, Precious Godsend!

You are my pillar of strength and my inspiration

My pride and my joy

My love of my life

My unconditional love and never-ending prayers are with you. 

Forever and always.

Malang I'm in Love

Let me begin this long post with the word: Wow.

I was arranging a trip to Legoland for Kukka when my very well-informed friends told me about Batu Secret Zoo in Batu, Malang. They told me that it was supposedly a very nice zoo. Different from the ones we knew in Jakarta or even Taman Safari. So I started to google. And my amazement started when I first opened the website. Long story short, Legoland can wait. I want to take my animal-lover daughter to this zoo.

Our trip began on July, 1st. The minute we arrived in Malang I already fell in love with the fresh, clean and cool air. They were right. It was cold in Malang. Cooler than Puncak or even Bandung? From the airport we drove straight to our hotel in Batu, The Singhasari Resort. Great place. It would’ve been perfect if the food is at least on good level :D 

That evening we visited Batu Night Spectacular. Another recommendation from another well-informed friend. Lucky me :) Batu Night Spectacular is like, borrowing my mom’s words: “Pasar Malam”. Don’t expect “modern” things around here. The rides are quaint but they seem to be in good conditions. From rollercoasters to the standard merry-go-round. Kukka’s first ride here was the Crazy House. Nauseating for me :p But her favorite part must be the lanterns. The lantern park is probably the most “modern” part of BNS :D You can see lots of lantern with different shapes all over a well-trimmed and clean garden. From a hot air baloon to Mickey Mouse. I’d love to sit on one of the park benches. But it was getting a bit late and Kukka looked already sleepy. We had fun and we drove back to the hotel feeling happy. The cool evening air added value to our visit. So, yes. Batu Night Spectacular is definitely a must-visit. 

The next morning I was once again in awe. It was a beautiful sunny morning with blue sky and cool wind. Somehow it reminded me of Europe... Our view from the hotel was spectacular.

No filter added!! 

It was definitely a great day to visit a zoo. So after a morning swim, off we went to Batu Secret Zoo. 

The view from our pool-access room

It is located in Jawa Timur Park 2, along with Museum Satwa. How was BSZ??? They should’ve named it Batu Spectacular Zoo! Seriously! I would never have thought that there is such a place here! Have they been keeping this place a secret??? Hence the name??? This place reminded me of The Berliner Zoo in Germany! Well, minus the huge forest-like area that is :D But seriously! Batu Secret Zoo is modern, clean and big with animals who actually move and make sounds! The monkeys are screaming, the lemurs replying and the tigers are roaring. They look fit, no too-foul smell anywhere and clean. No skinny tigers in sight, alhamdulillah :) My favorite was the majestic looking Siberian tiger. He (she?) is HUGE!!! And it seemed like I could almost stroke his fur by simply putting my hand on the glass cage... My face was *THIS* close to the Bengal tiger too! On the White Tiger’s area the floor is made of glass so you can watch the tigers playing beneath your feet! Wicked, huh?! 

My Godsend’s favorite was probably Dumbo, a name she gave to a rather small elephant. Probably a toddler? :)) I don’t know why but that elephant was alone. It turned out that Kukka was worried about it being lonely. Rain came in the afternoon. Lucky us we were in the foodcourt. We stayed there for quite a while. Hubster even had a snooze with his head on the table. When the rain stopped Kukka immediately asked to visit Dumbo again. So we had to drive our e-bikes back to the elephant area (Yes, we rented e-bikes! The place was too huge for us to walk through :p). When she saw Dumbo again, she said “Good. You’re fine. You’re doing okay. It’s not raining anymore. You’re not lonely anymore.” Sweetness overload. :) We had a rather hard time to ask Kukka to go out of BSZ. She’s an avid animal lover in a very nice zoo. So...yeah... :)) But it was getting dark. And we still had another place to visit. 

Next to BSZ is the Museum Satwa. Now that’s another cool place. A modern looking museum with giant dinosaurs’ skeleton and cool and very dramatic dioramas. No old-smell included like in Museum Zoologi Bogor, obviously :D Being in Museum Satwa somehow reminded me of the movie Night at the Museum :))) Nothing much to say about Museum Satwa other than the above because... Well, it’s a museum. You know what to expect in there. 

That evening we decided to have dinner in the famous Melati Restaurant in Hotel Tugu. The food was delicious indeed. My biggest regret was finding out that the hotel is said to be very creepy (read: historical). I would’ve took a walk around the hotel if I knew it. So yes, I missed the famous creepy painting of Oei Hui Lan and other spooky corners of Hotel Tugu :(

Jatim Park 1 was on the list for the next destination. Unfortunately it was raining and the sky was rather gloomy. But when we arrived in Jatim Park 1 the rain had stopped. Now, Jatim Park 1 claims to be Taman Belajar dan Rekreasi. It was indeed :D It’s like visiting TMII, right to the atmosphere and the quality of the architecture. Now, my daughter was not impressed. It’s totally understandable. Like for example, looking at the puppets in Indonesian traditional clothing gave even me the creeps! Their faces look like...mummies :D The whole park was clean though and the science area was interesting. Just a bit smelly at the Baby Zoo area. But to be honest, I will skip this park if we ever visit Batu again :D 

So, when Kukka asked to go to Batu Secret Zoo again, we said yes. But this time we just followed Kukka’s “order” on where to go and when to stop. After all, we’ve already seen them all. I think :D Oh, on our second visit, we finally managed to take lots of pictures with a super cute and cuddly white tiger cub. As a catlover, this was my personal dream-come-true! I wish I could bring him home with me. I'm sure he will get along with our 3 Maine Coons at home :D

So on the 3rd day we had to leave Batu and headed to Malang, the city and stayed at Harris Hotel. We had dinner at another well-known place, Toko Oen. The whole place brought me back to my grandmother’s old house in Jl. Sam Ratulangi, Menteng. I had Wienerschnitzel and it tasted quite good for a Rp 50.000 steak. But it wasn’t like I’ve expected. Hubster said it must be famous because of the atmosphere and the vintage look of the place rather than the food. 

On July 4th we had to go back home. It turned out 4 days 3 nights wasn’t enough to explore Malang. We didn’t get the chance to see the waterfalls, ECO Green Park, the apple trees etc and we also didn’t have time to try out the famous culinary places :D Maybe next time... Alhamdulillah, the holiday was a blast. We're bringing home one happy Cookie :) 

And if we do ever visit Malang and Jatim Park again, there are things that I will remember, such as:

Bring proper jackets, scarfs and long pants/jeans because it’s C.O.L.D!! Rain jacket for the little one and umbrellas. Buy Paket Sakti from the very first day. 1 ticket, valid for 2 days for Jatim Park 1, Jatim Park 2, ECO Green Park and Batu Night Spectacular. Google more and put all the must-visit culinary places in Notes. 

Oh, and don’t forget to pack extra patience. It’s definitely needed because the people here don’t seem to understand the concept of queuing :D

Peace out. 

37 and My Other Half

Let's blow my candles together, Precious Godsend.

Because you are the one who makes my heart smile 

and my life matters.

Let's live and love! 

You and I.

Always :*

37

What do you write if you felt nothing?

Exactly. 

Goodbye Reception Junior C

Oh where do I start? Where do I begin? Too many happy things to share, yet also some sad events to share. 

You see, today is Kukka’s last day as a Junior in Sekolah Cikal. Some of you might remember my previous post about her first days in her then-new school. Well, what do you know... Time flies. A school year has passed. It’s time to say goodbye to Kukka’s beloved teachers, Ms. Julie and Ms. Irine, and her RJC friends. 

It’s an emotional farewell. Not only for the children, but also for the mothers. I was fortunate enough to have such devoted teachers like Ms. Julie and Ms. Irine for Kukka. They understood her and seemed genuinely cared for her. Kukka’s progress through the year has been nothing but up. And I have the lovely teachers to thank for. I can only hope that Kukka will have new teachers with the same devotion, if not more, like these two ladies. 

And her classmates... It’s pretty amazing to see how they all clicked with Kukka. The chemistry between them was great. I hope it will stay that way because they will see each other again. They might not share the same class anymore, but they surely will share the same playground :)

So I guess the adventure continues. New experiences will be gained and fresh stories will be shared. 

Welcome, Reception Senior :)

Dear Kukka - Guess Who

Every time I look at you I see the word “beautiful”. 

And then I smile.

Every time I hear your voice I capture the word “mesmerizing”. 

And then I smile.

Every time I hold you tight I feel the word “love”. 

And then I smile.

But then I cry.

I cry for all the fear and pain you had gone through. 

I cry for all the evil-doings and heartbreaks some people have done to you.

I cry for the past, the present and the future. 

If only I could take you to a place where you can always be safe and loved, where you will never know the word hate or experience any heartbreaks, where you have one particular person who you can count on forever...

And then I smile again. 

No, I still can’t take you to that place. But I do have someone who will love you unconditionally. A certain someone who will fight with all her might to protect you, your rights and your existence. A person who will take all the blame and the shame so you wouldn’t have to carry any guilt. Yes, I do have someone you can always count on. 

It’s the very same person whose life has forever changed since the second you’ve been born. 

Your mother. 

Serba-Serbi Supir

Iya, emang ngga beda jauh ceritanya sama postinganku soal pembantu ini --> Sebel. Titik. Tapi sekarang aku juga lagi sebel. Eh...sebel-sebel seneng sih! Karena sejam yang lalu yang disebelin udah keluar!! *diabolical laugh*

So, let's start by tracing back our history of drivers since 2006, shall we!?

1. Our first driver was Maman. Can't really remember his name. On the first month I splurged him with new shirts and everything. Partially because I felt sorry for him for not having lots of clothes. Selain itu juga supaya dia rajin ganti baju jadi deket-deket kita ngga bau :p Lupa gimana udahannya tapi seingetku dia tiba-tiba aja ngilang dan ngakunya ngga dibayar gajinya. Padahal dia yang masih ngutang cicilan handphone ke kita. 

2. We got Dedi from my aunt. He was once my cousin's driver. Clean, sharp, drove well, knew the streets and how to win hearts (read: kiss ass). But he got this annoying attitude. Singkat cerita, setelah beberapa kali bertingkah, akhirnya Ica nurunin dia di lampu merah depan Pasaraya and we drove home by ourselves. :)) Besok-besoknya baru ketauan bahwa ternyata dia suka pamer ke satpam kompleks bahwa dia nilep atau mark up uang kita. 

3. Mas Aji was probably the best driver we ever had. Nyetirnya enak, sopan, jujur, rajin, mobil luar-dalem selalu kinclong, dan lumayan tau jalan. So what's the problem? Well... He wasn't that smart jadi sering kena marah :D Lama-lama dia stress juga kali yaaa! Akhirnya dia yang resign. Sampe sekarang kami masih berhubungan baik (tsaaaaaah!!!). Dia juga beberapa kali bilang ke pembantu kita yang dulu bahwa dia pengen bisa kerja di kita lagi. Tapi sampe sekarang belum jodoh (lagi). 

4. Witono mungkin supir kami yang paling keliatan "pemalas". Selaen tergolong ndut, kalo ngapa-ngapain lamaaaaaa! Jalannya santai, buka pintu-nyalain mesin mobil juga lamaaaaaa! Agak lupa kejadiannya gimana tapi Ica was really angry at him. Kejadiannya tuh pas abis nonton konsernya Imogen Heap. Perpisahannya cukup dramatis. Dia disuruh keluar dari mobil dan pergi detik itu juga. Yang masih bikin aku suka kesel, handphone hasil menang doorprize pas reuni SMP masih ada di dia dan ngga dikembaliin!! Sekali-kalinya menang undian, eh hadiahnya malah diambil orang! Nasib oh nasib!

5. Naaah kalo Pak Rojak nih yang ceritanya ada sedikit di postingan soal sebel itu. Yang abis gajian tau-tau ngilang. But now I think I know the real reason why he left...

6. Pepen aka Pulung mungkin bisa dikategorikan sebagai supirku yang paling rock 'n roll, baik dari segi penampilan (gonjes) sampe kelakuan. Sebenernya dia tergolong ok. Nyetir ok, hafal jalan plus jalan tikus. Tapi ya itu tadi... Kelakuannya yang sok jagoan bikin aku marah. Udah beberapa kali ditegur jangan so'-so'an, eh dia masih aja kaya gitu pas lagi bawa aku and Kukka. On the way pulang dari Kalimalang, dia marah sama motor-motor sampe buka jendela segala. Yang ada aku yang ngamuk lah! Gimana coba kalo tau-tau malah mobil kita yang dikeroyok??? Orang sinting! Sent him home right after that. 

7. Perpisahan sama Wondo terjadi karena keadaan. Meski sering diomelin karena kebodohannya, tapi kita akur-akur aja. Kayanya :D Supir super alim (and I do mean alim like selalu pamit shalat sedetik sebelum adzan kedengeran) ini akhirnya pamit mau nikah dan cari kerja di daerah istrinya. Padahal udah lumayan lama juga dia kerja di sini... And the hell breaks loose right after he resigned. Welcoming a series of troubles:

8. Pak Subandi emang udah tua. Udah 50an kalo ngga salah. But I decided to give him a shot karena keliatannya dia masih fit. Ngga taunya nyetirnya ngga stabil euy :( Serem banget di jalan tol yang lurus dia malah ngagaleong kiri-kanan. Akhirnya dirumahkanlah dia! Setelah itu baru deh pembantu sama tukang kebun di rumah pada ngadu. Katanya Pak Subandi sombong banget dan genit! Sering pamer punya showroom motor, banyak uang, anak-anaknya pada "jadi orang" dan sambil godain pembantuku dia bilang bahwa dia pengen kawin lagi. Hih!

Supir No 9. (Asep) dan No 10. (Kamto) punya persamaan yang bikin aku langsung ilfil. They have 2 wives. Now that sounds like it's none of my business but trust me. It is. Contohnya Si Asep. Baru seminggu kerja, udah minjem uang atau istilah dia "kasbon". Beberapa kali izin ngga masuk dengan alesan ini-itu. Begitu ketauan ternyata dia punya istri 2, aku langsung "Oooooh pantes!" Sebulan setengah kemudian dia aku keluarin karena berbagai macam ke-error-an yang menyebalkan. Dan meskipun wujudnya udah ngga ada, masih aja dong nyebelin! Menurut supir tanteku yang pernah beberapa kali ngobrol sama Si Asep, dia bilang kerja di sini "Euweuh duitan." (Ngga ada uangnya). Padahal dia udah OVERPAID!!! *%!^$

Kalo Si Kamto ini dari pas interview aja udah semangat banget nawarin this particular pembantu. Katanya sama-sama kerja di tempat yang dulu. Di jalan si cewe ini nelepon dan minta ngomong langsung sama aku, which I found awkward and pushy. Jual diri lah dia lewat telepon. Aku mulai curiga. Aku suruh dia dateng untuk interview. First impression: sangat tidak simpatik. NO chemistry at all. Akhirnya daripada cape ngomong, aku tembak langsung "Hubungan kamu sama Kamto apa?". Eh dua-duanya cengengesan. Aku tanya 2x lagi, akhirnya tuh pembantu ngaku "Saya istri mudanya Kamto, Bu." Ok, no thanks and goodbye. That's all I need to know what kind of person she was. Sama Kamto juga chemistry langsung lenyap begitu aja. And I bet they knew. Puncaknya dimulai dari pagi ini, waktu ditanya kenapa mobil yang satunya lagi ngga dicuci. Terus lanjut sampe tadi jalan pulang dari sekolah. Dia SMSan dong cyiiin di jalan! Tegur sekali. Nyampe rumah, bukannya nurunin barang, dia malah asik nongkrong di rumah sebelah sambil nelepon. Tegur lagi. Sambil beres-beres di rumah aku mikiiiir setengah mati "Do I really want this guy to drive my kid and I to school tomorrow?" Eh ngga taunya dia yang buka front duluan :)) Aku sampe ngga inget exactly what he said but I remember I said "Alhamdulillah!" in a quite loud voice :)) Paid his 5 days salary and off he went. 

Jadi ya, based on my conversation with my Mom about Subandi, Asep dan Kamto, we agree that basically they are all liars. Kata Mamah, kalo sampe punya istri lebih dari satu, udah jelas bukan orang bener, jahat dan tukang bohong. Paling sedikit dia ngebohongin istrinya kan buat sama si cewe yang satunya, kata Mamah sambil berapi-api. Sama istrinya aja bohong, ya apalagi sama kita?! So, berdasarkan pengalaman yang menyebalkan ini, I'm going to ask 1 important question di interview supir berikutnya:

"Punya istri berapa?"

What Did I Do Wrong

This is a question I often ask myself whenever an unfortunate event occurs in my life. Especially when I think that I’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t you dare say that I’m one of those people who never think of themselves as the guilty part. I never say I’m never wrong. And I never push anybody to take part of my mistakes to make me less guilty. 

It’s ironic, really. Just when you thought you’ve done almost everything by the book so that you could make a new clean start, something bad happened. And most of the time, it’s because of somebody else’s fuck-ups. Yet the sky slams down exactly on your head. Not his or hers. 

I detest irony. I think it’s one of the many things in life that makes a person just want to quit. It’s one of the reason why a person thinks “Why bother?”. Like, why bother being good if you’re going to be treated bad anyway? Why bother being honest if you’re going to be lied constantly anyway? Why bother being faithful if you're going to be abandoned anyway? 

Sometimes I do think that the best way to survive in this world is to think only for yourself. Being selfish and ocassionaly cruel are the keys of survival. Act like you have nothing to lose and live absolutely carefree. Life seems easier and much more fun if you don’t give a fuck. 

But then again, is that the kind of value you want to teach to your child? 

Dear Kukka: It's about love

People say that if you loved someone, you would and could talk about the person you love every second in a day. Imagine if that love would last for a life time. It means that you’d be gushing about your loved one until the day you die. 

That is exactly what’s happening to me. 

As you know, you’re not the only one who has new friends over the past six months. As you’ve gained a lot of new friends in your new school, so did I. “The Moms”, you called them. You know, those are the people I’m spending my time with when you’re at school, whom I have breakfast with, share my thoughts and swap stories. Yes, sweetie. Every day :)) Sometimes you would ask me what I do with The Moms. Besides having a quite massive amount of breakfast and caffeine intake (on my side), stalking celebrities on Instagram and shop things which have the price range of Rp 50 thousand to Rp 2mio, we also do a lot of talking. About what, you asked me one day. Unfortunately there are some subjects that I can’t share to you just yet due to its inappropriateness. But today I just realized that most of the time, obviously, inevitably, free-willingly, naturally, and happily, we talk about our kids. 

About you. 

Like today, for instance. Again, for the gazillionth times, I was telling the story about how you came into my life. The process, the waiting, the hoping, the tears, the laughters, the whole ordeal. And you know, every time I’m reliving those moments, the more I realized how lucky I am that Allah have decided to send you to me. My closest friends once told me it all happened because I was commited and strong-willed. 

Yes, I wanted you. Very much. I wanted you so bad, it hurt. The pain of wanting you was more excruciating than all the things I had to go through to be able to have you. Oh baby, I would go through those things over and over again if I had to, in a second! Oh yeah, that’s me I guess. If I wanted something so bad, I just had to have it. Sounds familiar? :p

Well, look at what my persistence has lead me to?! Of course, to the most wonderful child in the/my world. You are the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow after a stormy day. The happiness molecules that were streaming in my blood when I had you inside my tummy must have been good for you. Because here you are, all happy and healthy, smart and cheerful, caring and lovable. My shalihah little Godsend :)

My love for you is big and my will to protect you is also as enormous. I have the size of strength and courage I never knew existed in me. And with Allah’s permission, I will use them to keep you safe and to make sure that you will get your rights and all the things you deserve. Whatever it takes. My own life, if necessary. So that you can value your life and live it to the fullest. 

Babycakes, there will come a time when you probably wouldn’t understand some of the things that I did or do or will do. Some might look unreasonable or even somewhat hurtful to you. But I hope one day you could open your eyes, mind and heart. I sure hope that one day you will realize that this... All of THIS is about you. Always.

Because when I'm with you, I'm living. Anywhere else, I'm merely surviving. 

Knock, Knock

There are only a few houses that I love and never get tired of visiting. My parents’ and my siblings’. Those are the places where I feel genuinely welcomed, loved, happy and somewhat peaceful. 

And then there’s one particular door that I would love to knock on. I never been there but already makes me miss it so much it hurts. 

It’s a place where I’ve been longing to visit since years.  

A house which I can only see in my dreams. 

Its beauty I can only admire through images.

Its magic I can only feel in my racing heart. 

And its owner I love beyond human words. 

I’ve been waiting patiently for the invitation. Patiently. Because I’m aware that impatience, anger and greed will surely get me nowhere. 

Especially to Your house, my Allah SWT. 

Doomsday Anniversary

It's inevitable not to remember. 
Consciously. Subconsciously. 

Which School Is Cool

I’m the kind of parent who believes that a child will accomplished certain things at certain ages. Like reading or counting. While encouragement is necessary, pushing her to learn things beyond her current limit, to me, is unfair. Sure, a child’s mind is a like a sponge. She’ll probably absorbs and memorizes things way better and faster than adults. She might be able to read at 3 years old while others still learn how to say the word “Mom”. But that doesn’t mean that she likes it. If she was an adult, she would probably scream “Hey, Mom! I’m stressed! I don’t want to learn how to read yet!” 

And my question would be “Is it really necessary?” 

I personally love to read to my daughter. I’ve been reading children stories to her since she was still in the womb. It is one of my ideas of spending quality time with her. Now that she’s 4 years old, reading together becomes even more fun. I love the moments where she asks funny questions about the pictures she’s seeing in the book. Or when she changes the characters’ names to her own name and the people she knows. Sometimes she would skips a few pages and makes up stories by herself. 

So I hope you can understand my frustration below. 

My daughter lives in this sad era where people/schools expect her to be able to read and count at the tender age of 4. When she was in preschool, she had to learn the alphabets, numbers AND expected to learn the (english) phonics by heart. She also had to be able to trace letters and numbers without any help. Not only that, her school expected her to color INSIDE the lines. Perfectly. Oh, have I told you that she was only 3 then? 

Now, my daughter has a free spirit. She’s kinda like...her parents :D “Rules” like those certainly didn’t suit her personality. I was lucky enough to be there at her side every day to notice that she wasn’t happy with her school. That she was stressed. What was the signs? Well, small things, really. But if you paid more attention to them, you’d know. Like how she often cried during showers in the morning because she didn’t want to go. Or how she would rarely tell me stories about her day at school. Sure, she had her share of fun there. But most of time she just wanted to be out of the school with me. Either going straight home or anywhere else but there. I started to think to look for other schools. One school in particular. I went there and her name was unfortunately on the long waiting list. I kept looking while in the mean time tried to keep my daughter interested in her current school. I often asked about her friends, sung the songs she learned at school loudly at home like a crazy mother and patiently asked her to practice her writings. But I immediately let her play with her pet as soon as I saw a single tear on her eye. I also “taught” her some letters while she was pooping. You’d be surprise by the many letters you could find in the bathroom :p I also taught Kukka how to count 1-10 by counting the steps outloud whenever we found some stairs. 

And that fateful day came a couple of days before the school holiday. I got a call from Sekolah Cikal. They told me Kukka got a slot there if we were still interested. Long story short, here we are :)

I’m not saying that Sekolah Cikal is the best school. But it seems to be the right one for my baby girl right now. Kukka is happier, smarter and always excitedly telling me stories about her friends and even her teachers. She proudly shows me how to write and spell her name all by herself and she already can recites 4 ayahs of Al Fatihah almost by heart. Her Bahasa Indonesia is also improving in a quite impressive pace :D She shows off her drawings to me every day and in her eyes I can see how much she wants to make me proud of her colorful swirls, which of course are OUTSIDE the lines :) I always tell her and show her how proud I am of her. And sometimes she would ask me first "You're proud of me, Bubu?" :)) 

Now I'm happy to say that my Little Godsend is happy at school. And do you know what makes my heart burst with joy? Knowing that she’s doing and learning all those things not because she has to. But because she wants to. 

"I wike Cikaw. I have fun." - Kukka Aiko, 4 yo

Dear Kukka - Another Milestone

Congratulations, babycakes! You did it again! You’ve reached another milestone, another first. Your first sleepover without your parents. Never once I have a doubt that you couldn’t do it. I always knew you’ve always been ready. It’s the people around you who weren’t. But you’ve shown them that you were not a trouble at all :)

You’ve spent a night with Opa and Neti, uncles, aunties and cousins. You’ve shown them your sweetness and independence. I’m so proud of you. I know you did it because you love and enjoy being with your family. I’m grateful for that. 

Family is everything, babycakes. Remember that. They’re the ones who love you. Eventhough sadly, you might find it along the way that their actions don’t seem like it. Some might hurt you, some might ignore you. Some make mistakes because of their ignorance and stupidity. But you’ll learn to understand and forgive them. That’s what being in a family is. Love each other and except their flaws, as they hopefully will do the same for you. 

As for me, I said it once or twice and I will say it a thousand times more. I love you no matter what and I’m proud in everything you do since the first day Allah created you. I’m proud of your cries, your smiles, your singings, your dancings, your anwers, your questions, your protests, your angers. Your everything. 

But then again, I AM your mother. It's simply because you are MY everything.

Ways To Heaven. Or Hell.

I believe in payback time. As much as many times I wanted it to happen now, I believe that if not, it will happen in the afterlife. That’s why I believe in heaven. As strongly as I believe that there is a hell. And to get to one of those places, you’d need a ticket. Or two. Or even more. These kind of tickets will never be sold out. As long as you live, tickets to heaven or hell will be handed to you. The tickets could come in many forms. It could come in a form of a sickness, a grief over a loss of someone you love, a betrayal or a person. Each ticket offers different routes and will determine the classes you’ll ended up in.

I can’t imagine anyone would want to go to hell. But if you do, the ticket to get there is cheap and easy. Perfect for cheap and easy persons who would give away their dignities to get or steal other people’s belongings. If you wanted to go to hell, you don’t need a lot of time to think things through. Because really, whatever your urge is telling you what to do, just do it. Doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong, hurtful to others or not, harmful to yourself or others. Just do it. You’d get what you wanted, quick and easy and quite possibly, fun and exciting. If your actions then created some problems, like well... Ruin other people’s life? Don’t you worry. There’s another easy route to get out of the problem: Ignorance. You’ll be on the express lane to hell. 

And like any other ticket to high end places, the ticket to heaven will be of course, very pricey and many times really difficult to achieve. How expensive, you ask? Price is of course, a very subjective matter. While cheap is cheap, what’s expensive to me might be nothing to you. And you could always try to negotiate because I don't think it's a sin, as long as you do it reasonably. I guess the price also depends on which routes you choose, what you do while you’re on the journey and how you deal with the obstacles you’ll find along the way. The more you pay, the better the seat. Or the bed. Or the house. Or whatever it is you can get in heaven. 

I believe life is full of choices. I choose to take the expensive ticket that has been offered to me lately and carefully paying it bit by bit eventhough the price is dragging me slowly to the bottomless part of the earth. Why? Simply because heaven is where I want to be. 

Insya Allah. 

22 Years Later

This year’s anniversary holiday was really a trip to the past for me. After changing his mind and schedules several times, Husband finally decided on a destination. 

Europe. 

The last time I set my feet on European land was in 1990. It was a very sad, sad day.  And I certainly left a big chunk of heart in Vienna. One of my biggest wishes was to visit Europe and see my friends in Vienna again. Who knew that 22 years later, April 20th, to be exact, I did. 

Our trip began in Paris. It was.... Paris. Need I say more? :) It supposed to be spring already. But the weather was quite chilly. Still, I was the only one who wore thick scarf, boots, long john, gloves AND chattering teeth. Meanwhile Husband and child acted like they’ve been Parisians all their lifes with their “Cold? What cold?” attitude. The highlight of Paris was, of course, NOT The Eiffel Tower. It was Disneyland Paris. My babycakes was totally thrilled to be there. It was such a perfect timing too. Right when she’s in this epic Pinocchio Phase, she actually DID visit Pinocchio’s house. 3 times to be exact. We had to wait in line for about 45 minutes and the ride lasted only around 5. You do the math. 

After that we flew to Germany and stayed at our good friends’ house in Eichwalde. The town was B E A U T I F U L! Almost everything I planned to do with Kukka when we visited Europe, I did it there. We took a walk through the wood, walked along the lake, saw wild ducks and a beautiful swan swam towards us, sat and played in the park. We also vistited Berliner Tierpark, an awesome zoo!! I wish we could go camping there with the lions :))

Now, after Berlin came the city that I’ve been missing for 22 years. Vienna. Right after the plane landed, tears ran down my cheeks. The first thing I wanted to do was contacting my friends IMMEDIATELY! :)) But I had to be patient and waited for dinner time. My friends and I agreed to have dinner at Ristorante San Carlo in Mahlerstrasse (highly recommended, btw). I was excited and afraid at the same time. How wouldn’t I be?! I was about to meet my friends who had a very special place in my heart after 22 years! I’ve been imagining about this event for a very long time. But when the time came, I was totally clueless of how to act, what to say or do. 

We were greeted by Marco, Susanne’s husband. He’s the owner of the restaurant. I know that restauranteurs HAVE to be friendly but the second I met Marco, I could feel his genuine kindness, friendlyness and fun. He led us to the table and there they were. My beautiful friends. There were Susanne and her pretty daughter, Alba, David, Ernst and Nenad :) Good God, I’m smiling and can feel the happiness as I’m typing these words:)) It was a beautiful, beautiful moment. It’s funny to think that we probably didn’t appreciate each other’s presence back then when we were together. Yet 22 years later it seemed like we’ve been the best of friends all this time and nothing has changed. 

Well, except for David. He’s becoming soooo tall and too slim I could feel his bones when we hugged! Yet still talkative and flirtatious, just like when he was 12 :)) Susanne is the same sweet and friendly girl I’ve ever know but now she has a gorgeous mini-her. Ernst is a bit quiet and I couldn’t understand his German very well because he speaks so....Austrian :)) Nenad... Well... Still the same Mr. Nice and Shy Guy and apparently still very healthy too. Still not smoking and drinks alcohol on minimum limit heheh... We spent a couple of hours chatting, eating and laughing. Too bad we couldn’t spend more time because it was getting late and they all had to go to work early in the morning. I think and I do hope I did cherish and appreaciated every second we were together because I don’t know if I ever going to see them again. 

After spending 2 nights in Vienna, we took a night train to Zürich and changed train in Geneve. Our next destination was Chamonix, France. Although we couldn’t find what we were looking for (read: snow) due to a wind storm, but we did have a great time there. Would love to go there again someday. 

Our trip started and ended in Paris. Although she was enjoying the holiday but I knew that My Little Godsend was also getting kind of homesick. The last 2 days in Europe she kept asking for her kitten almost everytime we’re about to ride on a bus, train or airplanes :)) “I miss Kwazii. Are we going to Kukka’s house? Are we going to Kwazii’s house?” she asked. So after 12 days of holiday, we finally flew home. 

And a day or two afterwards, My Little Godsend said “I want to go to Pinocchio’s house. I want to go to Disneyland.” What, you think we can go to Disneyland anytime by bus, girl?? :)) 


And yes, this post turned out to be quite short. But if I wrote the whole details, it would certainly be too long. So I guess I better keep this simple. Besides, I do have some new memories that I rather keep to myself because they were too beautiful to share :)

Dear Kukka: Happy 4th Birthday!

Because of you, I'm happier

Because of you, I'm braver

Because of you, I'm stronger

Because of you, I'm humbler

Because of you, I'm calmer

Because of you, I might be even wiser

And because of you, I know I am better

Therefore I'm forever grateful

There's not a single day gone by without me thanking Allah SWT for creating you 

To be the most important part of my life

To be my heart

Happy birthday, my most beloved Godsend

My angel, my rock, my life

My unconditional love and never ending prayers are with you

Forever and always

Dear Kukka - A Letter From Geppetto

My dear Pinocchio,

Yes, Pinocchio. That’s what you’ve been wanting to be called in the last few weeks or maybe even already a month. I must say this is quite an exciting, unique and hillarious phase. To think that it all started so harmlessly. Me wanting you to know The Disney Classics. Since you never been fond of Disney’s princesses and more into animals, toys and fairies, I was thinking of introducing you to Dumbo, Bambi, Lady and The Tramp, Peter Pan (and The Neverland Pirates heheh..) and...Pinocchio. 

I remember only showing you the part where Geppetto had just finished painting Pinocchio’s mouth and danced with the string wooden puppett, Figaro the cat and Cleo the goldfish. It was quite a scene, I admit. The song is nice to sing along and the cute clocks and music boxes made it merrier. I remember you watched it with wide eyes and so seriously. You didn’t say a word. At least not until the dancing scene was finished. And then you said: “Again, pwis!” I played it again. And again. And again. And again. And then I uploaded the full movie on the iPad. And this is when the phase begins :)) 

You’ve been watching it from the beginning until the end like.... Oh, I’m not sure. 12097489265923 million times, maybe? :)) And then you repeat your favorite scenes probably 3 times more? And that’s how you become Pinocchio and “baptized” the rest of us as Pinocchio characters. I’m Geppetto, naturally :) Bapa is Stromboli (because of the similar round belly, I assume?), Kwazii is Figaro, Kaka Namira is The Blue Fairy, Kaka Alyna is Cleo, Uwa Eza is Monstro, Uwa Tanti is Jiminy Cricket, Mas Wondo is Honest John, Mba Santi is Gideon, Aki is The Coach Man, Nini is Alexander (the donkey!!), Oom Anto is Lamwick, and so on. Naming the people you know as the characters in your (recently) favorite movie is actually not a new thing. You used to be Jewel from Rio or Simba from The Lion King. But it never goes out to “public”. 

Now, this Pinocchio phase is epic! Your teachers reported to me that you refuse to be called Kukka and only respond if they called you Pinocchio. You’ve been introducing yourself to new people with a confident hand shake and a firm voice “Pinocchio.” You get angry when we still call you Kukka. You replace the characters’ names in other movies and books with Pinocchio characters. Your favorite line is now “I wanna go home to my Mama” and you’re singing Pinocchio songs all day long. You even made Bapa...I mean, Stromboli, confused when he heard you say “Life is full of temptations.” :))) 

I don’t know if you ever going to remember this still-on-going phase but trust me. I’m not making this up. You can ask about this to the rest of the family or even your (former) preschool teachers one day. Now it seems that you are practicing The Blue Fairy’s famous line “A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose in your face.” Heheh... Tough one, I know. But I’m sure you can say it in no time, babycakes. 

Because nothing is too difficult for a super smart girl like you ;*

Losing Faith - The Death of a Hopeless Romantic

Because life is a long journey, one should have something he can look forward to. Some excitedly planning for New Year’s eve 6 months before. Some couldn’t wait for the day they turn 17. Busy people almost patiently waiting for every weekend to come so they can spend time with their loved ones. Teenagers anxiously waiting for the same date in every month to celebrate their “anniversaries” with their boy- and girlfriends, and then tweet about it like crazy. Somebody is willing to drive across town to find the perfect Valentine’s bouquet. Because everybody needs some excitements in his life. Excitements that come in the form of the thrill of giving, getting, wanting and needing. Of course there are also people who don’t give a crap about these things. That certain dates are just another day which comes and goes just like any other dates. That certain celebrations are a waste of money. That surprises are overated. Everybody is entitled to have his own belief. So there’s no wrong or right. 

What’s sad is when someone who used to believe in those “magic moments” suddenly loses her faith. Losing it makes her numb and ends up living her days more like a programmed robot. Or a ghost. Floating from places to places, just for the sake to be somewhere instead of living the moments and cherishing the beauty of the places she’s been or the company she’s been with. Not to feel anything is a scary feeling that nobody should ever experience in her life. Especially for someone whose life used to be filled with love, fun and excitements. A hopeless romantic, as I called it. A person who thinks that all you need in this world is love. 

For a hopeless romantic, choosing to be indifferent is not an easy task. The moment she tries not to care in the things that she used to believe in is the moment where her life has turned into a neverending hardwork. Because eventhough deep down her heart is still aching to get those magic moments back, she has to try with all her might not to expect anything anymore. Yet in the same time she still secretly waiting to be saved by the very person that she loves to make her believe again. 

Because the saddest, most ironic and probably pathetic part of it all is that, intentionally or subconsciously, “dead” or alive, she is doing it, still... 

In the name of love. 

Shit.

Never thought it would come to this. 

That I would feel the need to leave everything that matters,

and went off on my own. 

That I would let the one and only person that made me still alive today, 

going through days without me. 

Never thought it would come to this. 

That I would still feel the need to do it again. 

And again. And again. 

Not tomorrow or the day after. 

Now. 

Will this feeling ever go away?