Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I would like to start this particular post with a question and I dare you to answer it in my comment section: How many times have you been in love? Aaaaaand.... What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in the name of love? Wait. This one you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to, please do. By all means! You can even post your answer by being anonymous. Or not. I dare you again! #LOL 

Now let’s get back to the first question. How many times have you been in love? Me? Geez... I’m not sure. I know, I know. I’m the one who asked you in the first place. I should also be the one who give you the answer, right? But what is love anyways? If I tell you how many boyfriends I had in the past, does it count as an answer? #LOL

But seriously though. Lately I’ve been bothered by this particular question: what is love? Is it that fixated thing you have for a certain someone, which makes you constantly think about him/her? The feeling that makes you want to be with him/her all the time. Or that annoying yet beautiful tingling sensation that everything you see or touch or smell, feels like him/her? Does sacrifice also count as love? Some also say that love makes you capable of doing things that you had never imagine of doing before. Crazy things. Dangerous, silly or even forbidden ones. Is that love?

I’ve heard, witnessed and even experienced a lot of happy stories. All happened because of love. Having Mommy and Daddy as my parents, my brothers and sisters as my siblings, or having my friends, my former boyfriends, my husband, and most of all, my beloved Godsend. All of them are in my life because of love. But unfortunately I’ve also personally experienced a lot of the saddest things in life. And they all also happened because of love. That’s why lately (or maybe since forever), I think that the word love has been taken for granted, misplaced, misused, mistreated and many times highly overrated. Nowadays too many people do things and declare that they’re doing it for love’s sake. But sadly a lot of it turned out to be a disaster instead. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because they’re just saying it without really mean it? Or out of selfishness? Personal image? Safety? 

Oh man! I wonder if this is some kind of a phase that every person has to go through, you know... Wondering what love really is... The Love Phase, as I would like to call it. #LOL 

If it is, then when the right time has come, I would like to tell my beloved Godsend that sometimes... No! MANY TIMES!! I would like to tell my daughter that many times, love, sadly to say, is not worthy. Not if it turns out to bring the worse of you. Not if it attracts the ugliest and dangerous things or people to you. Not if it makes you feel somber, devastated, unwanted or worse... Depressed. 

Yet... Again... If it is some kind of a phase which someday my Godsend HAS TO go through, then there’s nothing I can do about it... Or can I? If I can’t.... Then I would like to tell the whole world that... 

I hate love. 

#frikis2016

Love. 
Smile.
Rest!!!
Forgive.

Apologize. 

Write often. 

Exercise!!!!!!! 
Make it happen. 

Be brave. Speak up. 

Judge less, help more. 

Spend time with Kukka. 

Shit happens. So what!??! 

Accept my flaws. And others. 

Listen to my body, soul and heart. 

Meet my friends in real life more often. 

Make lots of phone calls. Use less chat apps. 

Embrace my old self. Yes. The fun part that is. 

Do whatever makes me happy. Yup! WHATEVER. 
Do crazy things sometimes, or often, IS necessary. 

If shit happens, sit back and relax. Let life do its magic. 

Make new friends, stay in contact with old ones and maintain. 

Haters can kiss my ass. Lovers do come, let’s smooch and hug. 

Never lie to my daughter. Teach her to accept the truth instead. 

Read, remember, read again, recall and actually do all the #frikis2016

Auf Wiedersehen 2015

Well, well. What an epic year it has been. According to my diary, infos from family and friends, and also from the tracks that I've left behind on my social medias’ accounts, my life was quite peachy until... 

March 12th, 2015. 

It was the day when my life has changed possibly for...forever. It was the day I got my first seizure from a rare illness. Yes. I've been told that it's rare. Like... There's no cure yet. You won't find it anywhere in the world. It is called Autoimmune Encephalitis. 

Fancy name. Annoying as hell. I am still suffering from it but so far I’ve managed to live with it. And yes, I’m still praying for that day to come... When my doctor will call me and say that they finally find a cure for it. And that the cure will be available for me and works its wonder. Amin. 

2015 is also the year when I realize that...

...life is short. One minute you are lazying around on your couch while reading your favorite novel and then the next second... You end up lying helplessly on a hospital bed, on the verge of your death. People are already crying for you, thinking that you would never make it. Or even worse, that you were already gone. 

...life is tricky. Suddenly the things that you are not allowed to do or not supposed to have, look so easy to be done and very much available. And yet then there you are... Contemplating about what to do and what to ignore. 

...life is a handful. Oh yes, no shit. Tell me about it. Oh wait. Don’t. 

...life is confusing. You think you know a person. You think you mean something to a certain someone. You think you have a special place in somebody’s heart. Yet all of a sudden they ignore you, he forgets about you, or she thinks you are a burden. Some people feel sorry for you. Some even already shed tears because they think you will not make it. But some maybe only feel sorry and then the next day they already forget all about you. 

...life is funny. Today you barely know a person. The next day that same person is the one who is going to feed you, bathe you, take care of you, and if not, also wiping your stinky butt. And also just when you thought everything is lost, you realize that you do have everything. Yup. Life is funny that way.

...life is weird. Your life, your friend’s, your family member’s... It turns out somehow in some ways they are all totally connected to each other. So it also affects each other's life. So be careful, think deep and act cautiously. Because you could be the one who's causing a disaster to a person's life. Or...maybe... The saviour. 

...life is full of temptations. All of a sudden those people who once were in your heart and then gone for some reasons, are back. Just like that. After a while it seems that they also like to stay in some ways. And let’s not start with the new ones... 

...life is precious. That is why you should spend it with your loved ones. It doesn’t have to be every second. But always remember that somewhere, sometime, someone is out there. Waiting for you to come and say that you love her, that you need him, that you are grateful for her being, that you are always there to help him, that you are there to support her, that you will forgive him.

...life is you. Or better said, your life is yours. Don’t expect anybody to know or understand your battle. Nobody does. Only you. So if somebody said he understands what you’re going through, just nod. Because unfortunately, many times there’s no point in arguing. And if somebody doesn’t seem to care... Well... Maybe it’s just because she just don’t. Also remember that there always be a person or two who takes your actions or attitudes the wrong way. Why? Just like I said before. Because he or she doesn’t understand your battle. So just sit back, relax and occasionally, smile like your heart is not actually breaking into pieces. 

Yup! Those points above pretty much sum up my 2015. It’s been one hell of a year indeed. Now let's see if I could still be around to enjoy 2016. ;)

Happy New Year, everybody!

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!?!”

That’s the first thing that popped up in my mind when somebody asks how I could forget something or someone that is really important/significant/fun/terrible/anything for that matter.

Yes. I know. It must be really hard to believe and to understand how a person can forget something that has happened just minutes earlier. Not to mention 1-2 days before. But that’s what’s happening with me right now. NO. I’m not making this up. 

I really DO have memory issues. So don’t come to me, suggesting like I’m making this whole “forget this-don’t remember that” problem a make up story. Or even worse, a LIE. Because... Why would I??? Why would I lie??? Why would I lie about having a serious illness? Why would I lie about forgetting someone or something that is really important? It really upsets me, you know. In Indonesian, it’s way better to ask me “Inget ngga?” (Do you remember...)?. Rather than “Masa sih? Ko bisa???” (Come on!?/Are you for real?/Really?/How is that possible??). Because if you ask me THAT... Well.... 

My answer will be (read the title).

The One That Got Away

Remember when I told you about me reconnecting with the past? Well it’s happening again. Recently a certain person just confessed to me that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. He didn’t leave anything behind. From the way he was feeling the first time he met me until the day we had to say goodbye. I was stunned. But after that we talked. Total confession from both sides and it felt good. For both of us. 

As days past by another certain person “came back” into my life. I can’t remember how but we keep in touch ever since. We exchange a simple good morning or a nice good night, making fun of the past and setting dates when we will see each other again... And...yeah... Belated confessions and apologies are among the things we talk about. And yes, he too said that I’m his “The One That Got Away” girl. Geez! These guys have to go out more :)))) 

Anyways.... It feels good. Reconnecting with the past. Saying things that were left unsaid. Especially the “I’m sorry.” part from my side :D But I have to say it does scare me a little bit. Sometimes I’m thinking “Hey?! Why am I doing this? Is this necessary?”. And yes. It also creeps me out because it feels like I’m racing with time. It’s like I don’t want to wait to say I’m sorry until it’s too late. Too late as in... Well... You know. With my condition and all. I don’t have to spell it out here, right? :D So there you go, guys! To whom it may concern, please do accept my sincere apology :) (Man.. I sound like a total bitch here :)) )

As for the late confessions... Well... It did got me thinking... Is there such thing? What does it actually mean? Two persons. Love each other. Think that they belong together. But for some unfriendly cosmic reasons they are...not. So? I mean... If two persons are not together then... They are simply not meant to be... Well... Together. As simple as that. Right? 

Just because you have problems with your (current) spouse, it doesn’t have to mean that your (current) choice is wrong. And...that you should’ve been with someone else. Right? Or am I wrong? I mean... Especially if you DO love your other half. Problems will always be there. Health, love, money and others... It’s how you face them. With the problems. Do you want to deal with it or run away from it. I guess that’s the question. Or is it not? 

But then again... Who knows? What I do know is that from now on I want to enjoy my life more. And if it means that I should be making contacts with my past then...so be it. Maybe it will do me some good. Besides that... Well... I just want to have fun with my family and most importantly with myself. So my brain can have a good time while it lasts. :p 

Okay here we go then! Let me start by singing this Katy Pery’s song outloud! Everybody!!! 1...2...3.... :))) 

Dear Kukka: I'm Sorry

Mein Liebling. Mein Schatz. 

Today please give me some time to explain and to apologize to you. It’s about you and me. It’s about me as your mother. It’s about your right as my daughter. It’s about what should’ve been. It’s about what has to be done. 

Meine Liebe Kukka, my apology to you is actually already long overdue but alhamdulillah ALLAH still gives me time to do it. Well, actually right now I’m still doing it on writing... But I promise as soon as you come home from school today, I will apologize to you personally. 

My precious Godsend,

Minutes ago, when I was on my iPhone, like always, checking about useless stuff online, something just...hit me. Something slammed my conscious. I can’t remember what it was or how it started but I’m starting to think about us. About me as your mother. I hope it’s not too late but I just realize that... I am not a good mother. Not good enough. Why?

Because instead of being with you, most of the time I’m pretty much fixated by my social medias’ friends. Laughing at their jokes and not your funny stories. Which I know you actually have a lot to share... But sadly many times I just hear them out. But not really listening to you... 

Because when I’m with you, a lot of times I’m busy chatting with my friends on my chat apps instead of asking you about how your day was at school, your friends, your hobbies. Or about many other things. Like those Puffles you love so much. 

I’m so sorry because you have to call me more than one time to get my attention while I’m busy editing photos instead of admiring your super sweet face... Which is right there in front of me. Already perfectly created by THE ALMIGHTY.

Dear Kukka... 

Mein Ein und Alles. My everything. I’m writing this post while you’re still at school. But I promise as soon as you come home, I will put my iPhone down, shut down my Mac and start apologizing to you. I will tell you that I’m sorry and I hope you will give me another chance to start over. 

I love you, my precious Godsend. Let’s make our relationship as mother and daughter much better, okay? And I’ll show you that I can also be fun like your beloved Bapa. Or maybe even more!!! :p 

Updated: 

I showed Kukka this blog post and I didn't expect this kind of reaction from her. My precious Godsend cried... And while I was wiping tears from her eyes, she said: "Because it's so sad... It's like you... It's so sad..." And this was her expression while reading it. My sweet, beautiful, sensitive precious Godsend :) 

Sehnsucht ist...

...wenn alles was Du sehen kannst ist seine Lächeln.

...wenn alles was Du küssen möchtest ist seine Lippe.

...wenn alles was Du hören kannst ist seine Stimme. 

...wenn alles was Du spüren möchtest sind seine Hände.

Ja.. Deins...

Tag und Nacht. 

In Wirklichkeit. 

Oder nur Träume. 

Egal wann oder wo.

Solange es ist Du bist.

Und kein anderer. 

The Best Teacher Awards

Today (almost) everybody is celebrating Teacher’s Day. In my Facebook timeline there are lots of friends who are saying or sending thank yous to their teachers. Me? I never do that because I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. But this time, I want to. In fact, I really, really want to. I want to say thank you to 2 of the best teachers I’ve ever have in my life. First I want to say thank you to:

My Mom. 

If you really knew me, you must know how much I love and admire my Mom. Not only because to me she’s the best mother in the whole universe. But she really is as a matter of fact a teacher. A very good one too. As long as I can remember, my mom has been teaching english and french almost her entire life. So it means that she dedicates her life not only to her children, but also to her students. Mom used to teach english and french at home and in big companies. But now she teaches only at home. When I was still a little girl, I used to “hang around” (read: crashing) her classes. Many times I wrote and drew stuff on the white board while Mom was busy giving lessons. Sometimes I only sat down, drawing, reading or playing while watching and listening to Mom and her students. Why? Well... I don’t know. Maybe because I didn’t have anyone else to play with?! #LOL It was fun though. Especially crashing a particular english class at home, filled with her good friends. Her students aka “Tante-Tante” are all nice and they laugh a lot. Sounded more like they were hanging out, drinking tea and coffee and enjoying snacks instead of learning a language #LOL 

And you know what?!?!? The class is still going on as we speak!! Yes! Every once a week Mom and her friends/students get together, teaching-learning english in my mom’s living room and have fun. And then once in a month when the class is over, they go out to have mie ayam or bakso in their favorite places. To me a teacher is considered to be a good one if her students are happy with the way she teaches and always looking forward to attend her class. My Mom’s english class is the best example :)

The second Best Teacher Award goes to:

My big brother. 

Eza, that’s the way I call him. He is the kind of big brother a little sister could ever wished for. Eza is caring, loving, very protective, helpful aaaaaand eventhough I’m already 39, he’s still spoiling and treating me like I’m 5yo :p I admire Eza like.... Well... There’s no words to describe my admiration to him. To me, Eza is the smartest, coolest, funniest, most handsome big brother in the whole wide world!!!!! It’s like he has answers to every question I have. Whether it’s about technology, health, science, religion, life... You name it!!! Eza knows everything!!!!! Yes!! That’s one very, very proud little sister talking! There’s a lot of things I know that I got from Eza. For example, to my bestie, Neng Keke, I’m her friend who knows a lot about technology. A techie girl so to speak. When she has problems with her phone or computer or stuff, Keke would come to me and ask me how to solve the problem. And she’s not the only one! A lot of my friends come to me and ask me about techies stuff. What they don’t know is that before I give them the answers, I ask Eza first!! HA!!! #LOL

As I mentioned before, Eza is also a very loving big brother. Not only to me, but he loves Kukka like...... Ah.... I don’t know how big his love is for my little girl. But if you see Eza’s eyes when he looks at Kukka.... The only thing you will see is love. And of course, my little girl loves and admires her Ua Eza too!!! Especially now!!! Because lately she’s been spending a lot of time with Ua Eza and learning “cool stuff” from him. Cool as in naughty!!! Like pillow fights, burping outloud, etc. Stuff that Eza used to teach me!! #LOL

So... There you go. Before this day ends, I would like to give these awards to Mom and Eza. 

Mom, there’s no single day goes by without me thanking to ALLAH for letting me have this honor to have you as my mother. I love you and only ALLAH knows how much. 

And Eza... I have no other words to say to you besides “I love you”. I will always be your “Tem Tem”. Always. 

Was wäre wenn...

...ich jetzt die Freiheit hätte, auf einen Flugzeug zu steigen... 

Welchen Land würde ich aussuchen?

...ich jetzt die Möglichkeit hätte, in einen Ort zu sein... 

Welchen Stadt würde ich auswählen? 

...ich jetzt die Chance hätte, jemanden festzuhalten... 

Wer würde ich gerne in meinem Armen haben? 

................................ Du jetzt vor mir stehst, nur Du und ich... Uns. 

Wo, warum und endlich einmal.... 

Wann?

Dear Kukka: Major Milestone

My precious Godsend, 

Today I want to tell you another story about how proud I am with you. Why? Well, there are many things that I’m proud of, of course. But there’s one particular thing, a milestone, a big one, that you’ve achieved and I want to brag about to the whole world. 

By the time you read this, maybe you’ll remember that there was a time when you and I had to spend some nights at Ua Eza and Ua Tanti’s house. Why? Well, to cut the long story short, it’s because of me and my illness. But that’s not what I want to write about now. Like I said, I want to brag about you. About your achievement. 

You, my precious, beautiful, smart girl, have been sleeping on your own, in Ua Eza’s room for 3 nights in a row now!!!! All by yourself!!! There was one night when I sat by your side and told you bedtime stories while I stroked your hair. But the other nights, all I did was hugged you as tight as I could until you said “Ouch! You’re hurting me, Bubu”, tucked you in with Sausagee the Dachshund and Creamy The Cat, showered you with lots of good night kisses and....that was it!!!! You just asked me to leave the night lamp on and the door open. And then you went to sleep!!!! Just like that!!! No tears, no whining, no sad-looking face, no drama at all!!!!!

I must tell you that I’m having mixed feelings now, baby. For sure, I’m soooooooo proud of you!! No doubt about that. But..... I’m also feel kind of sad.... In fact I’m shedding a couple of tears now as I type these words.... Why??? Well.... It’s because... It means that.... You are definitely not a baby anymore :((((( You’re getting bigger, smarter, and most of all, braver. I’ve always know that you’re a brave kid. Sometimes even too brave aka reckless. You hardly ever whine (except when you really want to play Club Penguin and I say NO). You never act like a spoiled brat. You are polite and sweet. You've never been a cry baby except when you WERE one. I don’t think I (or anybody!) will ever forget your epic way of crying when you were still that bald chubby super cute baby #LOL But now...?????? 

Oh God... You, my precious, are one brave little lady!!! And I feel soooo blessed to have you. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re brave and you are compassionate. And I pray to ALLAH SWT. that you’re going to stay this way forever and even better. 

Amen. 

The Bright Side

Ever since I got sick a lot of people keep telling me that everything is going to be okay. That there will always be people who take care of me. That I shouldn’t be worried. And...that I should see the bright side of what is happening to me. 

Hmm.... The bright side... Where is that exactly? To which side should I look up to? The left? The right? Up? Or down? In front of me or maybe behind? 

The bright side.... Hmmm... What is the bright side of not being able to remember things? So far all I can think of is that..... I randomly can’t remember some of the bad things that happened to me. That’s good, isn’t it? Or that if there is a bad moment that I DO remember, a couple minutes, hours or days later I would forget about it again. Is that the bright side of my illness?????

I remember somebody once told me (And no, I don’t remember who it was) that maybe...that’s it! God gives me this illness because God knows that I couldn’t handle the problem so God takes away the ability to remember things out of my brain. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m actually laughing while I’m typing that last sentence! Really! :))) But hey! Who knows?!? Maybe that’s it, you know?!?!

A lot of my friends keep telling me that I’m a strong person. Some even say that they admire me! Why? Because they think that not everybody can handle this “situation” that I’m in as good as I can. Well, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m strong. Maybe I do look strong because there’s nothing else I can do. I can’t just sit around and weep all day. It’s happening already and the illness will not go away anyway. At least not any time soon. So.... Here I am. But yeah... Sometimes I do wonder and search for the bright side of all this drama. The first thing that popped up out of my mind is that... It turns out that...

I have a lot of friends.

Alhamdulillah I do :) Friends who I do see a lot, rarely or even not yet at all! I’m always surprised if somebody told me that he or she or they came to the hospital to visit me. That they tried to find out what was going on with me by contacting the people who are close to me or whether I got better or worse.  A lot of my friends also said that they are praying for me and that they are “on my side”. Now... What does it mean actually? Why does one have to be on my side? Of course I’m thanking everybody for that but... Why? Can you help me out here?? 

Anyways.... Another bright side that I do get from this....exciting chapter of my life is that now I know that I have a lot of new friends. Friends who "know" me from my blog :) My silent readers so to say. #wavingtoyou I didn't know that I do have a lot of readers until I received a lot of get-well-soon messages and prayers via e-mails and Comments and mentions on Twitters and so on. You said you've been following my stories from my blog and that you love my writings. Whether it's about me, my family, my friends or about....nonsense :))) 

I would like to thank you for it. I would like to thank you for being my reader, my friend and most of all, my bright side.

#kisskisskiss

Baby Girl No More

I just finished putting my baby girl to sleep. Miraculously tonight it took less than 10 minutes to make her snore comfortably. All I did was just telling Kukka a couple of stories and singing some short lullabies. As I stroked her soft hair and watched her slowly close her sleepy eyes, tears began to fill my eyes. 

This girl... This sweet, cheeky and cute little girl is getting bigger and bigger everyday... And I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I stroke Kukka’s hair and covering her body with a warm blanket, I just realized how much my precious Godsend has grown up now... 

I can't believe how tall my Godsend has become... Her legs are not chunky anymore. Now they are long and lean. Kukka’s cheeks are still full but her sharp chin make them look not as chubby as they used to be... 

I started to kiss Kukka's cheeks again and again and again. And then I started to kiss her eyes, her forehead, her hair, her nose, her hands, her...everything! And my tears kept falling and falling. Oh, only God knows how much I love this sweet little girl! And only God knows how I’m so not ready for her to grow up yet... 

How do you do this? How do you prepare yourself and be ready to accept that your baby is.... Well... Not a baby anymore?! That one day she might not come to you for advices, hugs and kisses anymore. That one day she might choose to keep things to herself rather than tell you about what she wants and what she likes. Or about everything for that matter!! How does a mother do it??? When will a mother be ready for all these things to happen to her precious daughter? Or then again... 

Do I want to be ready????? 

Doc Rocksy Menjelaskan

Karena kejang makin sering, dr. Rocksy berpikir obat yang udah dikonsumsi masih kurang efektif. Awalnya ngga terlalu banyak dilaporkan kejang dan kita semua lebih concern ke memori. Malah dari hasil pertemuan terakhir ada hipotesis bahwa justru karena memori udah semakin baik, kejang justru jadi semakin sering. Karena dengan membaiknya memori, udah mulai ingat masalah yang lagi dihadapi, mikir jadi tambah macem-macem dan justru membuat jadi lebih stress. 

Target berikutnya adalah sebisa mungkin nggak ada kejang! Dan Twitching abortif ngga perlu dikhawatirkan karena listrik di otak tetap cukup stabil. 

dr. Rocksy berteori bahwa dalam 10 tahun lagi otak kita akan berevolusi. Entah gimana internet ngga bisa dianggap remeh! Keberadaannya benar-benar sangat mempengaruhi otak. Kemampuan manusia untuk bisa mengingat dan untuk berkonsentrasi akan jauh menurun. Di samping itu, sebaliknya kemampuan untuk mengolah informasi jadi jauh lebih cepat. Ke depannya, kita udah ngga punya validasi standar normal karena orang bisa jadi sangat bervariasi. Pada akhirnya semua akan dianggap normal selama ngga menganggu keseharian.  

Yang harus juga diwaspadai juga adalah penggunaan komputer dan handphone karena adanya stimulasi cahaya. Kadang-kadang terlalu terang, kadang-kadang terlalu cepat geraknya. Semua itu bisa memicu kejang. Kalau mau pakai komputer atau handphone, pengaturan brightness sebaiknya jangan terlalu terang. Hindari exposure terhadap cahaya. Pasien yang ada riwayat kejang, jangan terlalu terekspos oleh cahaya. Brightness sebaiknya distel di level setengah kurang dikit. 

#BIGSIGH 

Memoriku memang belum seperti yang diharapkan tapi semua (keluarga dan teman) udah bisa menerima kondisiku, which is good. Soal ke Psikolog, dari awal dr. Rocksy udah mendukung dan akan memberikan rekomendasi. 

Bedanya Psikolog dan Psikiater: Psikolog belum sampai tahap sakit, masih tahap kejiwaan dan tidak memberikan obat. Kalau sudah mengganggu kesehatan, pasien baru datang ke Psikiater. Psikiater itu dokter, Psikolog bukan.

Well... Turned out my health is not yet as good as expected. But still, I am very grateful for today... Had a very informative session with my doctor like always and of course, the highlight of the day was: 

I got to spend time with my beloved big brother #kisskiss 

Daddy’s Girl

I probably already said it but who cares! I’m gonna say it again!!!!

DADS WITH DAUGHTERS ARE SO WEAK!!!!!!

And today I just prove that (once again) I’m right! So this morning Hubster, Kukka and I went for a stroll. Hubster bought Kukka a new bike, which she picked out by herself so she would be more determined to learn how to ride a bike. 

So this morning the three of us woke up earlier than we used to, Hubs got into his running outfit, me in my...strolling clothes and Kukka with her new bike. Since it was a nice weather, we decided to go out from the cluster. It was a very nice Sunday morning. A lot of people were jogging, strolling and biking. Young, old, couples, singles, kids. We were having fun but then the drama happened. 

Long story short, Kukka didn’t want to ride on her new bike anymore because she kept falling to the side. After only a couple of tries she already gave up! And it’s not even the 2-wheels one yet!!!! It happened because she was leaning either too much to the left or to the right while she was riding. And for some reason sometimes she stopped pedaling which made the bike.... Well... Stopped. I think Kukka was expecting the bike to keep on moving forward by itself or something. Hubster and I told her to keep on trying and trying and that we would be there to help her. We also tried to make the learning process fun by saying and doing sily things. But Kukka wasn’t eager enough to learn and to make it even worse, tears started to run down from her eyes. Which totally ruined the mood and the moment. 

Hubster snapped. He said something like “Kukka selalu gitu! Nggak bisa dikit, nangis. Kalo kaya gitu terus, kapan mau bisanya?!” And then he got up, carried the bike and walked back home, leaving Kukka and me behind. I knew that Hubster was as disappointed as I was. Not to mention very tired too! I totally agreed with him. This kind of attitude is one of Kukka's bad traits. She quits easily. Sometimes I think it’s because Kukka knows that somebody will always fall for her sad face and ends up helping her. But this time I was surprised. Her dad WAS really upset. I forgot how long it was but I was impressed. Hubster actually managed to be (or at least to look) angry and ignored his precious daughter for a couple of hours!! :))) Eventhough she cried under the pillows and slowly approaching him by asking questions about the game he was playing. When they finally making skin contact (Kukka leaning on Bapa’s body, watching and commenting about the game), I was giving Hubster signs. Yes! I gave him signs NOT TO GIVE UP TOO EASILY to his little girl’s approach!!!! I could totally see it in his eyes that he was about to give up to that cute face. Not to mention the super sweet little voice. The way she says “Bapa...” Well... Yeah... Just like that, after making new promises and deals, Kukka ended up sitting on her beloved Bapa’s lap, sharing hugs and kisses. Totally predictable :))) #Buburollingeyes #Bubuyawning #Meh

Hours later Hubster came to me and made a confession. Yes, he was actually wondering whether he was being too hard on Kukka. He was thinking something like: 

“Apa aku terlalu keras ya... Sebenernya kan dia cuma mau having fun...”  

Dads and daughters. 

SiBapa and SiBuhat. 

#MAJORMEH :))))))

Dear Kukka: November 6th

It was the day when my Precious Godsend asked me about period. Yeah... THAT period. Period/Menstruation. It was because she saw a pack of sanitary pad on my bed. Geez... I really didn’t expect to have this talk THIS soon :)) But I’ve managed to keep my cool and tried to explain it as simple as possible. 

How simple? Well... As simple as telling her that when a girl turns into a teenager, she will experience this “thing” called Menstruation. It’s when every once in a month blood will come out of her vagina. :))) Kukka’s face immediately turned... Like... #unexplainable

“Eeeeeeeeew!!!! I don’t want to have blood in my vagina!!! That’s so gross!!!!”  

Kukka screamed while holding hers :))))))

And I was laughing so hard and confused at the same time. I really didn’t know how to explain this phase correctly. So after both of us calmed down, cuddling comfortably together on the bed, I asked Kukka to give me some time. I told her that I needed time to think because this is not an easy thing for me to explain. I told Kukka that I would get back to her as soon as possible when I found out the correct and simple way to explain to her about menstruation. She said okay. Lucky me to have such an understanding daughter. :)

NOW!!!! Let’s Google: 

“HOW TO EXPLAIN MENSTRUATION TO YOUR DAUGHTER”

Aaaaaaand.... WISH ME LUCK!!!! :))))

Doc Rocksy menjelaskan:

Sudah 2 bulan lebih, kejangnya masih tidak terkontrol. Pilihannya antara menaikkan dosis obat atau ganti obat. Obat yang dikonsumsi tidak cepat-cepat diganti sampai dosisnya mencapai maksimum. Untuk menentukan dosis, kita perlu tahu juga kadar dosis dalam darahnya. Apakah Tegretol yang sudah dikonsumsi selama sebulan ini bisa dimetabolisme dengan baik oleh tubuh, kadarnya sudah mencapai kadar optimal atau belum. Kalau ternyata sudah optimal tapi masih kejang berarti harus ganti obat karena tidak cocok. Kalau ternyata kadarnya masih rendah, dicoba dinaikkan dosisnya. 

Setiap kali terjadi serangan kejang, sekian jutaan sel di otak rusak. Makin lama kejang, makin banyak sel yang rusak. Kita punya 2 milyar lebih sel di otak kita. Kalau kejangnya ringan, apalagi pasiennya sadar, mungkin tidak terlalu bahaya. Tapi kalau sampai 15 menit, hampir bisa dipastikan jutaan sel rusak. Kedepannya akan bikin lupa-lupanya makin parah. Apapun bisa mencetus kejang. Pikiran, terlambat makan, kurang tidur, dst.

Tujuan obat adalah menstabilkan listrik di otak sehingga tidak mudah kejang. Kalau pasien masih kejang berarti listrik di otak belum bagus. Targetnya dengan obat, kejang negatif. Kalau minum obat sudah bagus tapi stressnya masih??? Perlu dipertimbangkan lagi. Listrik di otak sudah distabilkan tapi masih ada yang terus bikin listriknya naik, ya akhirnya kalah juga... Kalau kurang aktifitas/tidur-tiduran terus, jadi kemana-mana dong mikirnya... Ya stress lagi jadinya... Dari awal dok. Rocksy setuju untuk konsultasi ke psikolog untuk memperkuat dan menghindari pencetus stress. Kalau diperkuat psikologisnya, pencetusnya berarti bisa diminimalkan. 

Kualitas tidur penting banget. Tidur itu ibarat komputer restart. Kalau restart-nya ngga bagus, komputernya jadi gampang nge-hang. 

Kejang di bawah semenit pun bahaya. Obat dianggap berhasil kalau pasien tidak kejang lagi. Pasien epilepsi kalau tidak kejang dalam waktu 2 tahun dianggap sembuh. Obat-obat epilepsi dari awal dibuat untuk pemakaian jangka panjang. Jadinya aman untuk tubuh. Tapi yang harus dipantau adalah fungsi lever. Setiap 3 - 6 bulan harus dicek fungsi lever. Tapi kalau dosis obat masih di range therapeutic, hampir sama sekali tidak ada efek samping. 

Kalau twitching, diajak bercanda langsung hilang. Istilahnya didistraksikan. Bisa langsung hilang. Ada pasien yang sedang anfal, ditepuk, langsung normal lagi, kejangnya tidak jadi. Gambar listrik di otak sudah tajam, terus dialihkan, gelombang jadi stabil lagi. Obat Kepra cuma membuat supaya ngga gampang naik, gelombang listrik tetap di baseline.

Perubahan: 

Sekarang lebih sering ketawa, jauh lebih easy going, dulu sering dan gampang stress. Dulu ngga pernah ketawa. Sekarang lebih easy going mungkin karena lupa banyak masalah. Begitu inget masalahnya apa, langsung kejang. #LOL 

Makanya bisa jadi memorinya mungkin sebenarnya membaik tapi justru hal-hal yang jelek jadi keinget lagi dan malah jadi kejang. Konsul ke psikolog bisa menghindari pencetus kejang. 

Selama ini suasana di rumah dibuat seperti semuanya normal. Terutama untuk Kukka. Bubu ngga dianggap/diperlakukan seperti orang sakit. Ngga ada yang ditutup-tutupin. Kukka juga sebaiknya dikasih tahu Bubu mungkin akan kejang lagi dan kalau sampai kejang, apa yang harus dilakukan (contoh: cari pertolongan, panggil Bapa atau orang terdekat). 

Kalau twitching REKAM!!! Dokter Rocksy pengen liat!!!!

It's time for Kukka to learn how to make a phone call 

to Bapa and Ua Eza!!!!!

Little Queen's Major Dramas

My precious Godsend is 7 years old now. And lately I’ve realized that the year 7 turns out to be the year when more dramas, especially between mother - daughter, is happening. What kind of dramas? Oh, where do I start?!?! #LOL

Let’s start with school drama. 

FYI just a couple of days ago, Hubster & I had to meet Kukka’s teachers. Homeworks problems. Such as missing a lot of deadlines, losing some of the homework paper itself, not understanding what the assignment is and it’s not because she’s not smart enough. Sometimes she’s unable to do the homeworks because she doesn’t even know or remember what the assigment even is. How come??? Well, because she didn’t pay attention AND she didn’t care enough about it. -_- Her teachers told us that our girl likes to daydream and plays pretend in the class all by herself. Many times it looks like she’s talking to somebody who isn’t even there. When her teacher told me those stories, I was grinning widely and screaming inside “JUST LIKE ME!!!!” #LOL Yes! From not-doing-the-homewoks to the daydreaming part. I guess it’s true. Like mother, like daughter. 

Friends Drama. 

My Godsend already has a best friend. Well, I don’t exactly know whether it’s her best friend or not but there’s one particular friend whom she always tells me about everyday. And it’s a boy. A very nice boy :) Polite, well-mannered and smart. After school she tells me stories about what they did together, what they talked about and stuff. Aaaaaand get this!!! The other friends were teasing them! Kukka told me that the other kids teased the two of them about being boyfriend - girlfriend #LOL That they love each other and stuff. Yes!!!! Apparently this drama starts THIS soon!!!! Oh God!!!! When Kukka told me about this I couldn’t help NOT to laugh. I was bursting into laughter until tears were coming out of my eyes. My little girl was so embarassed. She told me to stop laughing and she covered my mouth with her little hands. 

Secret Admirer Drama

One day after school, like always, Kukka told me stories about how her day went. I asked her whether there was something special happening on that day. At first she went quiet. Which was REALLY unusual for her. A couple of seconds later (Yeah.. the “went quiet” thing only lasted like....10 seconds #LOL ) Kukka told me that she received a letter and what she found inside were these words: “I love you, Kukka. From Bobo.” Complete with little love hearts!!! AGAIN!!! I was laughing soooooooooooo hard until my tummy went numb and my voice was gone. I tried very hard to act like a wise mother and started to ask her questions like why do you think somebody gave you a secret letter, do you know who Bobo is, etc. Which after a couple seconds later she replied “I think I know who sent me the letter. But I don’t want to tell you, Bubu.” And she said that she threw the letter away. At first I was kinda upset. I told Kukka that it’s really sad that she’s keeping secret from me, that we should’ve always tell each other about everything. But then I realized that... Well... She doesn’t have to tell me everything. Which leads me to the next point:

Privacy Drama

Yes. I’m starting to teach my daughter about privacy. That everybody deserves his/her privacy. Even a child. About this particular part, I keep reminding her that she should never tell anyone about anything under pressure. That she should always be cautious and ignore the threat like “Awas yaaa kalo ngga bilang nanti ngga dikasih/ditemenin etc blablablabla”. Wherever the threats come from. I realize that although she’s just a little kid, Kukka still deserves her privacy. I want my girl to tell me stuff not because she feels obligated to do it. I want my daughter to share me her stories because she wants to. Because she trusts me. And yes, Kukka knows that I love to write stories about her. And yes, lately, everytime I wanted to write stories about her, I asked Kukka first whether it’s okay or not. “Oh, it’s okay, Bubu. You can write about it.”, she said. And well... Here it is :) But obviously this "respecting privacy" thingy doesn’t always go well #LOL And as a mother, I think, the 5 magic words: “BUT I AM YOUR MOTHER!” will always be in my head and at the tip of my tongue. As much as I want to apply my “wise” thoughts and ideas about bringing up a child, I guess the ego of a mother will always be there. 

Mother - Daughter Drama 

“You don’t love me anymore!”. Those were the exact words that she said to me one day, with tears running down her chubby rosy cheeks. And eventually tears were also coming out of my eyes while I was pouring my heart out in disappointment and anger. I told Kukka that if I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t waste my time and energy telling her what she’ve done wrong. That I would just let her be, doing whatever she wanted, whether it’s wrong or right. That I wouldn’t care about what’s going on with her at all. I don’t remember what happened exactly but yes, we did have that kind of argument already. And yes, the problem was not that....important #LOL 

Oh God... My relationship with Kukka as mother - daughter is getting more and more exciting every day. And, get this! In a way, our relationship also affects my relationship with Hubster. But that's another story in another time to tell ;)

Dich

Hier sitze ich alleine... 

Ich kann Dich nicht sehen. Ich kann Dich natürlich nicht spüren. 

Jedoch denke ich immer und immer nur noch an Dich... 

Zum Glück kann ich Deine Stimme doch noch hören. 

Dann absolut ohne Dich fühlt sich alles so leer. 

Ohne Dich sehe ich nur Grau. 

Mein Herz schreit und bricht. 

Ja, weil ohne Dich reicht es nicht. 

Weil ohne Dich...bin ich...nichts.